sometimes psychotic

Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everybody I've ever known. ~ Humanus Alice.26.PDX,OR Bipolar type I, PTSD, Anxious mess. I need a place away for my thoughts, and this is it. ~ I have found happiness to be a difficult emotion to appreciate, Particularly when you're submerged in it. It's odd how one can manage to drown in something so beautiful; yet not even realize you've hit the water until you find yourself in a desert. Deserted.

[foreverinwonderland]

After nearly 11 years, I’m gonna call it quits on this blog, and all my other tumblr blogs.

Foreverinwonderland, missingfromreality, wildlydistorted, politicswontsaveus, fuckyeahsinglespeeds, and hersmileonemoretime... I’ve disabled all that I can and will be removing this platform from my device and brain.

Tumblr has been a very special place for me since I was 16, pregnant with a 25y/o’s baby, totally unknowing what lay ahead. I’ve found solace within this website. There were many dark moments, where the most I could focus on were the words spilling out of my fingertips. And multiple humans I’ve met on this site have become my irl acquaintances/friends.. even one as a partner.

While I sought comfort in the countless blogs I follow, bad actors also exist here. When I was 18, I was stalked, harassed, threatened. People would send me my location and terrorize me with the threat of gang rape... it drove me off using tumblr daily. Something I once found so safe and endearing was being ruined.

As the years passed and I cycled thru different eras of my life. There were many times I attempted to return. I’ve sporadically posted for probably half of my tenure. But recently, that’s become impossible. An overly sensitive, jealous partner of mine has brought back up all these repressed fears of being watched. This overwhelming feeling of being unsafe.. regardless of how many times I’ve tried to draw this boundary — trying to carve out a safe place for me to express my thoughts and emotions in a healthy manner — this person hasn’t respected my pleas for 2+ years.

His inability to understand I was a different person when I was 19 than I am now, as a 28 year old gender-non-confirming ACE, has made it absolutely impossible to feel safe. The words to explain how much dread it fills me with to be so misunderstood, especially by someone who I’ve poured my mind and soul out for, they utterly escape me.

I don’t get it.

How many times must I try to convince someone that my ex boyfriend from when I was 19 isn’t someone I think about, isn’t someone I long for, isn’t someone I plan to run away with — that person is a literal stranger to me. A person who’s broken my trust in major ways — YEARS ago, who only crosses my mind when I’m being accused of being in love with him.

How plain is that to understand? I feel like I should be heard when I say these things... and even the times I think I am — he’s lying! He promises to not bring up my ex, but then does, again and again. Over and over.

Why torture the person you supposedly love? Why constantly remind me of my ex boyfriend who hurt me? Why hurt me with my past?

Of course, now I can plainly see, my current partner will never believe me. They choose to believe what they want, and they always have. No amount of my energy or prose will allow them to see or hear me for who I truly am.

So to avoid anymore extra bullshit, I give up. Perhaps later I’ll find a new place to express my deepest, heartfelt emotions and thoughts to the universe. Maybe not.

If I’ve learned anything, its to give in when you know it’s a lost cause. And this has been the epitome of a lost motherfuckin cause.

Peace and love ✌️

[missingfromreality]

Rosemary Demi-Glaze Pork Chops

This is the 3rd HelloFresh box I’ve received, and I gotta say, I love the service. It’s encouraged me to start cooking again, something I haven’t been doing much of these last three years... (I think once I quit working as a cook, I stopped wanting to cook at home..)

It gives me great recipes for later on, as I save all the recipe cards I get and even screenshot/save recipes from their app that I don’t end up ordering... the box is around $55 with the discount I used (definitely use a discount! Especially the 12 free meals one!) and it gives me three meals, with two servings of each. So one meal for dinner, one for later on or the next day. They give you exactly the ingredients you need, which is super helpful for me, as I’m usually cooking for just myself.

There’s something stimulating about prepping vegetables, the ritual of laying out each ingredient in a different way, getting everything ready to put together into a complete dish... I feel so accomplished when I plate a meal. It’s a sense of confidence I don’t get from many places in this new COVID-world... so it feels good to feel like I’ve done a good thing for myself. I’m proud of the food I eat when I’m the one preparing it. And seeing as tho when I get take out, it easily passes $20/person, $55 is a small price to pay for 6 delicious meals that I know are wayyy better for my brain/body than the junk I’ve been getting from delivery apps...

(Also, yes, I finished cooking after 5am 🙌 better to do it late than not at all hahah)

[naturaekos]

““No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.””

—

[allisonmckenzieart]

Thanks to @readytoglare for keeping me entertained while I work!! I enjoy listening to her  ♥

[missingfromreality]

Giulia seems like a great human, I adore her videos 🥰

[naturaekos]

“The most precious gift we can offer anyone is our attention.”

—

[amargedom]

[drip-2-hard]

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1998)

[amargedom]

“Many of us have been running all our lives. We have the feeling that we need to run—into the future, away from the past, out from wherever we are. In truth, we don’t need to go anywhere. We just need to sit down and look deeply to discover that the whole cosmos is right here within us.”

—

[missingfromreality]

I started using this iOS app called “365 & Me” 🪶 everyday, it gives a new prompt question. Some of the ones I’ve answered over the last month include:

Who understands you without words?

What was the last lie you told?

What bores you?

You get an envelope with your day of death. Would you open it?

And so on...

It’s quite interesting to think about, as they’re mostly things I don’t frequently ask myself... Also there’s something cathartic about writing about my life. It brings things to the surface that have been lurking just below being seen...

My prompt for today was, “A brave decision you took recently?” Something I have trouble answering because I don’t find myself to be brave. So I answered it like it was asking ‘what was a hard decision I’ve made recently?’

There’s always that little voice in the back of my head that tells me to just give up. That I’ll never have a better life, that I’ll never find another person who will understand and love me.

Regardless of how loud that little fucker gets, it’s imperative that I learn to squash that tiny voice and bust out the loud speakers to remind me that my happiness / mental well-being is more important than trying to get someone to love and believe me.

[amargedom]

“Don’t get to the end of your life and regret all the things you didn’t do.”

— Rhonda Byrne

[amargedom]

“Wherever you go, go with all your heart.”

— Confucious

[naturaekos]

“I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”

— F. Scott Fitzgerald

[naturaekos]

“A mistake repeated more than once is a decision.”

— Paulo Coelho

[amortizing]

“So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they’re busy doing things they think are important. This is because they’re chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.”

— Mitch Albom

[pikaole]

Marine life artwork over the past year :)

[ Patreon / twitter / insta / shop ]

[naturaekos]

“You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world…but you do have a say in who hurts you.”

—

[naturaekos]

“Go out and do something. It isn’t your room that’s a prison, it’s yourself.”

—