(Because his videos are the funniest and most uplifting thing I know)
“Me and my flip-flops are ready to go.”
*Alone in the woods* A: *weirdly calm* “There’s something walking towards us from behind you guys.” *B and C freak out*
“How can someone be so cute?”
“I thought you were watching?” “Yeah, I was, I stopped paying attention.”
“My scuba suit protects me from your bullshit.”
“God, fucking damn it A, you piece of…good job.” “What was that?” “I’m rebranding myself as the nice guy.” … “You lasted all but 7 seconds.”
“English is not my first language, okay?” “You’re American.”
“A, what’s wrong with him?” “Many things.”
“I have got a plan!” “Which is?” “A terrible plan.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever spoken to you when you’re not eating.”
“A, I think you should take one for the team and run off as bait as the rest of us survive.”
“I’m under attack by a bucket!”
“I haven’t heard a word of the briefing, I was too amazed by the hand gestures.”
“We have a small technical issue.” “Which is?” “I seem to have run out of bullets.” “…it’s been five minutes.”
“You need your medication, come back here!”
“Why do you have a gun, A?” “’Cause it’s Thursday.”
“You lied to me!” “It’s not my fault you’re an idiot.”
“I really like dolphins, I wanna see one!”
“You can’t have a secret dance club, we have a job to do!”
“If A starts saying something odd, just ignore him/her/them.”
“There are civilians in the village.” “I think the way you pronounce that is acceptible casualities.” “NO.”
“So you’re now just gonna kill people for just being tempted for deserting?”
“I’d like for you to know you are a piece of human shit.”
“OH MY GOD ALMIGHTY, JESUS CHRIST, MARY AND JOSEPH!”
“Turns out these are just the noises A makes when he/she/them is alone in his/hers/their room.”
“Clearly we lead different lifestyles.”
“Were you dropped on your head as a child?”
“SHUT UP, I’m trying to impose Zen you dumb bitch!”
*inhales helium* “Fuck you A.”
“Do NOT search that on Google!”
“I don’t know whether to eat Pringles, breathe or laugh!”
“He’s never gonna shut up about that now.”
“No more button pressing, okay?!”
“Everything is black, is this heaven?”
“Really? You’re gonna hide under the building like a house cat?”
“A? Can you stop touching my knee?”
“Um, my vision has gone green.” “You have green sunglasses on.” “Ah, that might be the reason.”
“If you’re not on a no-fly list somewhere in the world, someone is not doing their job.”
“Don’t open that.” “Wha-” *explosion* “…You could have told me you put a freaking bomb in there!”
*runs by* “EVERYTHING IS OKAY!”
“I HAVE ACHIEVED ULTIMATE POWER!”
“Did you see the way my hips were moving?”
“Are you in the habit of tattooing everyone unconcious?”
“My echolocation was not very effective.”
“Is he going to go sulk in the corner?”
“That’s um… staggeringly unhelpful actually.”
“No, I’m having a snack, leave me alone.”
“Do those things and then jump off a bridge.”
“Look, think of it as science.”
“A,” “Yes?” “I want you-” “I want you too!” “-to…” “Oh we were talking about something else, my bad.”
“I didn’t appreciate your insults to my mother yesterday.”
“I have an auto-sniper and exactly zero shame.”
“Ahahahahaha, you’re so- fuck you.”
“Whenever you do something awesome it’s ‘Oh look at me’ but whenever you screw up it’s ‘Oh we’re a team’.”
“You are actually hiding in a hedge.”
“Don’t worry boys, pappas’ got this.”
“I know Psychology, I use it on you.” “What do you you mean you use it on m-” “Nevermind.”
“A continues to amaze me.”
“We only had about three hundred bullets, and you’ve just wasted all of our ammunition in case we get attacked?”
“Dude, something’s happening.”
“I literally have no control over myself.”
“I just wanted you to know that I genuinely despise your existence you piece of shit.”
“In my eyes A, you are a beautiful caterpillar.” “What?!”
“Oh no, what appears to have happened?”
“I will not leave you A.” C: ”I will.”
“I do not trust you, turn around!”
“Where were you guys when they were trying to BLOW UP THE FRICKING BUILDING?!”
“Sorry, is this supposed to be spooky?”
“Make it interesting…nOT THAT INTERESTING!”
“I thought there was a guy in front of me but it was my own shadow.”
“Well we can tick ‘genocide’ off our to do list.”
“That’s a lot of dead people.”
“You ran in front of a machine gun?!”
“I don’t have Medi’stuff’, I didn’t expect the two of you to be this incompetent.”
“Stop parkouring and come get this jewelry.”
“I don’t want to look because I’m scared.”
“Something just went ‘boom’.”
“Okay, that wasn’t where I left it!”
“We’re gonna go around the tornado.”
“No, no, no, don’t you dare say you can’t fly! FLY!”
“You’re so useless it’s not even funny.”
“Hey guys, I have an idea, why don’t you fuck off?”
“I’m going to hide and if that fails…surrender.”
“Dipshit?” “Hmm?” “….the fact that you responded to ‘Dipshit’…”
“I have been trapped in my bathroom for the last 3 hours.”
