i've been writing this £d log over the course of 2 days, it mainly focuses on my lack of interest in £ating so if that's triggering to you.. ig do what you will
i censored all the numbers and everything else you assholes may be pissy about so don't. report.
[VENT]
it's strange because i genuinely have no interest in eating.
i went on a trip with my class, me and this girl went to UGO to get lunch. i obviously made an excuse of not being hungry, which wasn't even a lie. it rarely ever is nowadays. while waiting for her to finish her bowl i noted this;
looking around, i see all of these people around us eat the foods i have no problem with, foods i'd most likely like, if not just tolerate
and yet i have absolutely zero interest in putting that stuff into my mouth
chewing...
swallowing...
having to pick up another forkful...
repeat the action...
until... it's gone? until... the plate is clean?
wtf is the point of that
it's all... such a hassle..
food has become too complicated for me to enjoy
in every meal i see the imperfections, the wrongness
it really kills my appetite
getting into nutrition was my number one mistake from the start
how do i switch from grieving not being able to eat foods i used to enjoy, to this ABSOLUTE disinterest in taste and chewing?
it's like i'm mourning the person i used to be
but then i see the ribs on my chest and a sick satisfaction blinds me
and to think i was never even overweight in the first place...
seeing the changes in my body only fuels one thought
god this is real... it's finally real
this is my reality now, it's really happening
it's happening to me of all people
what an addictive feeling, how can it not be?
i never cared much for food anyways
deep down i've always known that i was meant to be like this.. this time i'm just finishing the job.
this is real.....
it soon will be. if i persevere till the end. if i try just a little bit longer.
it'll all be my sweet sweet deserved reality
skinny people get treated better anyway
maybe i could deserve that too?
a self-imposed belief system that tells me i could receive kindness and not feel wrong afterwards
that i do have value, despite being utterly stupid and forever ugly in the face and in my mannerisms
i can't truly bring myself to care about anything anymore.
[number] kg??? not like it changes anything.
even the scale is lying i know what i see when i look at my body and every fiber of it is screaming that it's not enough
BMI lies, it's inaccurate, it doesn't know shit.
"come eat, you've gotten really skinny"
leave me alone stop making shit up just to force me into taking bites to make yourself feel better
i'm so tired.......
eating takes up so much of my energy..............
it weighs my stomach down and sits in its pits like a rock
digestion makes me feel heavy and weak, i can barely move half the time
and the aftertaste in my mouth is impossible to get rid of i hate it i hate it i hate it
i wish i could get energy from the sun like solar panels or some shit why am i organic why do i have organs why do those organs need fuel in this despicable vile way that is eating
sitting hurts. leaning hurts. i'm ashamed of showing my back because of how prominent my spine is. i get nightmares about it.
i get nightmares about my family finding out
about my secrets surfacing and everyone finding out, everyone knowing everything and thinking i'm ānōrēctīc
i'm not though, i'm just weirdly depressed..
their concerned looks, the sadness in their eyes, the horror in their expressions, the disappoinment, the anger that seeps out after the pleasantries
what a shameful display of skin and bones
how can one be insecure about their bones? about their bløød clotting too fast? about their organs working so goddamn hard for them despite their relentless nightly pleas for it all to stop?
i just wanted to feel like myself...
i just wanted to be comfortable with myself
i just wanted to shed a bit of the shame i felt around my existence
i just wanted to take control over my life
i just wanted to be in control
i just wanted to prove that there's ONE THING that i CAN control
i just wanted to do this on my own turf, play by my own rules, be the man of my house
i just wanted and wanted and wished and pleaded and failed i failed i failed i keep failing repeatedly and yet i don't stop
i told myself i would stop but i don't seem to able to...
i'm tired of thinking about this.
with a bit of luck i'll drop dead during summer.
what do you call this mindset anyway?
am i pro recovery or just elbows deep?
i talk about this disorder as if i had some leverage against it, some upper hand because i eat more than 3 cucumber slices and a rice cake a day but do i really? i used to think [number] was too low. now i just dismiss it if that happens to be my intake for the day
i truly couldn't care less about myself
i don't care about anything, actually.
i don't need the added stress of going to the kitchen, trying to fish out something edible while getting bombarded with comments and disapproving looks from my family members
i'd much rather just rot in my bed
i don't care about the number on the scale
i don't care about looking like a skeleton
i don't care about nutrition deficiencies
i have nothing to do all day and snacking is not something i'd be interested in, given the poison that comes with it
i only care enough to get [number]g of protein into my body every day and if i can do that for less cālōrīēs i do. otherwise i couldn't give less of a shit about any of it
i don't get hungry and i don't have cravings
i treat eating as something akin to brushing my teeth. it's just something i know i have to get done to prevent the long-term consequences
the weight loss is just a fucking bonus.
all i feel is tired, but that wouldn't improve if my food intake was normal, i've been tired before
i've always been tired. tired is my default.
my body is aching whenever i eat, as though it were sucking the energy out of me like a fucking parasite
my throat hurts.. swallowing feels like glass shards trying to pass through
it takes so much energy for food to slide down to my stomach, the nutrients getting picked out and distributed
my organs can't keep up with the process that occurs in digestion
it makes my chest hurt and my limbs feel heavy
i don't want to think about this 24/7 i'm so tired
planning my next meals day after day over and over and over without an end
stay under the line, maximize, minimize, too greedy, not enough, too pathetic you're always pathetic you're doing this wrong everything's wrong
will they see you? they will see you. they will cause problems. they will disprove. so hide your portions and hide your 'meals'
hide whatever's left of you so you can survive barely keep yourself afloat
what enjoyment do you get out of life? none. because it doesn't fit under the line. it doesn't matter silly, look what you've done
how did we end up here, huh?
it feels like my body is collapsing in on itself
and i even struggle to DRINK now because i hate the liquid scraping down my throat and getting stuck in my stomach and then having to be disposed of JUST LEAVE ME ALONE
persistent worms in my brain, they'll forever keep drilling into my head and never come out. they'll nibble at the tissue of my brain until i'm dead
i'll rot from the inside out, first the body, then the mind. or is my mind already rotting? the worms are dead and decomposing deep within its core.
i'm too tired to fight. too tired to try. too tired to even hold myself upright and finish writing this.
i'm not making sense. this whole work makes no sense, i'm just spitting bullshit white on black for no other reason than to get it out and maybe post some of it to... i don't even know. reach someone?
but you don't understand. you'll never understand me. you'll never know what i'm going through and how i feel.
you'll never know how deeply i desire to relapse. how tempting it is to give up. how much i long for a reachable end. how much exhaustion i'm subjected to daily, how much of this shit i'm battling every hour of my days, how utterly sick i am of myself and of my life.
i don't care about anything that has yet to come, i've made that part clear enough. all that's left to do is look forward to my demise.
i wish i could get energy from the sun like solar panels or some shit why am i organic why do i have organs why do those organs need fuel in this despicable vile way that is eating
I haven't actually liked anything I've eaten in a month. My parents made fried turkey slices and I couldn't have any. Still warm in the pot, waiting for me, smiling like little sunshines while I forced down a sad cold salad instead.
I'm so sick of this. I want to stop but seeing the scale go down is too fucking addictive for me to stop
If I could eat anything rn I'd have the meat with the potato salad my parents made for lunch along with everything else I've been wanting to try. Hell, I'd even go on holiday just to experience a restaurant meal and a huge ice cream with toppings or something
and the thing is i COULD have all of that but i'm just convinced that i can't?? BITCH WHO'S STOPPING YOU???? 😂😂😂😂😂
why am i whining like a starving orphan when i'm the one doing this to myself lol it's not that serious
Can't even grab one fucking piece of bread without my family giving me shit for it. How am I THAT unlucky to always have them run into me when I'm in the kitchen?????????? That interaction alone made me leave empty handed and beyond irritated but FINE. I won't eat anything. My nutrition is shit, FINE. I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. Fuck appetite am I right?! Fuck trying and fuck recovery and fuck fuck fffuckfuckfuckufkcffuckufk all of this
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