?????

vent account, tw for EDs, SH and sui ideation

[mkkaferty]

every swallow feels like swallowing glass in a thick puddle of blood

[mkkaferty]

Can't even grab one fucking piece of bread without my family giving me shit for it. How am I THAT unlucky to always have them run into me when I'm in the kitchen?????????? That interaction alone made me leave empty handed and beyond irritated but FINE. I won't eat anything. My nutrition is shit, FINE. I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. Fuck appetite am I right?! Fuck trying and fuck recovery and fuck fuck fffuckfuckfuckufkcffuckufk all of this

[mkkaferty]

dare i post these...

[mkkaferty]

my stress level is SKYROCKETING only at the mere thought of food and i can't even talk to anyone about this

[mkkaferty]

I don't even like feeding myself what's the point

[mkkaferty]

such a beautiful day out there i love it here i love all of you

[mkkaferty]

I just want this all to stop I just want this all to stop I just want this all to stop I just want this all to stop I just want this all to stop I just want this all to stop I just want this all to st

[mkkaferty]

I've been so detached from myself and my emotions and everything I do that I just... broke down after simply sitting in a chair for an hour with my thoughts

But we ball am I right

[mkkaferty]

totally forgot about yesterday's moment of weakness lol how are we doing internet nation

i'm great

[mkkaferty]

food is consuming my whole entire mind

it's got a grip on my throat and it burns through my thoughts

[VENT]

i'm wasting my days to mindless scrolling mukbang shorts like a braindead lowlifer

i keep thinking about food and planning my next meals, anxious it won't be enough and simultaneously fearing it's too much.

and suddenly it's 100 am and i'm losing sleep by watching people eat on the internet goddammit

i don't even like watching that shit

matter of fact, I DESPISE IT. leave me alooooone

zero calorie drinks are becoming a fear food.

the bar keeps moving lower and lower i can't stop it's all consuming i just want a break i want to do a few very low days and fuck macros and fuck consistency and fuck nutrition and nausea and dizziness and headaches

i must be obsessed with food since i can't get my mind off of it for the LIFE of me. i don't even crave shit, i don't feel hunger. i don't feel anything. i don't fantasize about binging or cheat days or erasing what's left in my stomach

hammed in by a sick fascination with seeing people chew. chained to the meaningless hours i wait for my next eating window. confined in the self-imposed walls of restriction, unforgiving in it's rigid structure and thinking thinking thinking thinking always fucking spinning that hamster wheel

and admitting this is fucking humiliating but i'm so sick of my brain and its AUDACITY to still try to DENY it's dealing with an eating disorder because "i can stop whenever i want it's not hard" ahahahhhhahahaha then why don't you??

inject a syringe into my brain and pump till the needle comes clean. sedate this noise, i'm begging

[mkkaferty]

omggggg WHY is this so hard just get better or worse idc but not THIS

[margaretmcpoyle]

I super do not want to

[mkkaferty]

I don't want to do anything I hate drinking I hate sitting I hate laying down I hate my phone because nothing amuses me and nothing sparks my interest, not comfort not shame not impending doom not music not social interactions nothing awakens any emotion in me but otherwise life's alright ig just kinda lame

[mkkaferty]

it's just... pshhhh, y'know? shrug, yeah. and the world keeps spinning but it's like. eh whatever

[kisseism]

undiagnosing myself. there is nothing wrong with me i am #normal

[mkkaferty]

🙂‍↕️

[mkkaferty]

suddenly chewing food up and spitting it out afterwards sounds appealing to me

[mkkaferty]

My partner is destroying themself and there is nothing i can do about it.