Pondering @mmmkaii - Tumblr Blog

today-ifuckedup

Today, I fucked up... by being a wiseass to a Canadian Border Agent

At the Canadian border, driving to Vancouver from Seattle with friends:

Canadian Border Agent: “Gentlemen, do you have any drugs, firearms, or dangerous materials in the vehicle?"

I lean out the window towards the officer and whisper: ‘Yeah, sure man, whaddaya need?"

Result = a 4 hour delay for being a wiseass.

quotes2liveby-blog1

Clear your mind

bellecs

ofgeography

so here’s a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!

here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:

disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing.

sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.

so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY—

here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:

it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.

so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.

EXCEPT, OF COURSE:

you have to pay for pay per view.

so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”

AS A FAMILY.

and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.

“i received the tv bill today,” my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. “does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?”

as a reminder, a quick table survey:

my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)

my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)

my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent)

me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography

silence.

my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”

silence.

my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.

my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”

WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?

“don’t expose my kid to that crap.”

DON’T

EXPOSE

MY KID

TO THAT CRAP

“if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room.”

I CAN’T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT

IN THE LIVING ROOM

but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?

are you fucking kidding

i did not want to go to porn prison

the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:

my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for

my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wife’s sister’s porn preferences

my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister’s husband’s porn preferences

but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?

are you fucking kidding

this is the best thing i’ve ever done

ohcurtains

what an amazing story

agirlcalledfrost

I LOVE IT SO MUCH WHEN OFGEO’S PORN PRISON STORY COMES AROUND AGAIN FROM A TOTALLY UNRELATED SOURCE

SERIOUSLY THIS ONE HAS LIVEJOURNAL ROOTS MAN IT DOESN’T GET MORE THIRD PARTY THAN THAT ofgeography CONGRATULATIONS

thenathanzed

Like Rachel Dolezal, I am also transracial

bantamazadeh

mmmkaii

When you're done with life

cheese24k

mjwatson

holy shit you guys

holy shit holy fuck we are not worthy we do not deserve to live on the same planet this does

tastefullyoffensive

I will never be as cool as Scooter.

tastefullyoffensive

(photo via foamingturtle)

mmmkaii

When you accidentally have the front camera turned on.

lisquid

This will be the cutest video you will see today. My grandparents found baby sea turtles on their doorstep this morning so they released them one by one!

fats

please turn on your volume omg

manda

this made my night

sadellite

My heart

mmmkaii

This will put a smile on yer face.

ollielephant

cumonthevoid

none pizza with left beef

the-chocolate-chip-pancake-blog

It should be a rule of Tumblr to always reblog none pizza with left beef

babymarkers

ive missed you

montparnah-deactivated

#THIS IS MY FAVORITE FUCKING THING JUST THE BEEF#YOU COULD TELL THE POOR CHEF WAS JUST FUCKING#DISGUSTED#WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS#WHAT THE F U C K IS THIS#WHO THE FUCK ORDERS A#A /NONE/ PIZZA?? JUST BEEF ON THE LEFT???#FUCK IT#F U CK IT#JUST COOK THE FUCKING DOUGH#HERE LET ME THROW THIS FUCKING HANDFUL OF OBLONG BEEF CHUNKS AT YOUR NONE FUCKING PIZZA#FUCK YOU#FUCK YOU AND ALL YOU STAND FOR#LEFT FUCKING BEEF (via askscientistcarlos)

ineffable-raccoon

I love None Pizza with Left Beef.

tonyswirl

3th time i’ve reblogged this

microdeers-moved-blog

3th

victoriaringsinyourears

tumblr people love this. reddit people love this. 4chan scum loves this. there is just something intrinsically hilarious about none pizza with left beef. bless