@theartofmadeline
d e v o n
noise dept.
Janaina Medeiros
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open
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Mike Driver
taylor price
Cosmic Funnies
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hello vonnie
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@mnicole9287
The pretty clouds in Jefferson, Texas. T. J. Taylor Home. And Former George Washington Carver Elementary where I spent my Pre-K 😭 #imisshome #karnacktx #illbebackoneday #myheartisalwaysthere I went to #uncertaintx today too, my true home. Maybe shouldn't have done that on such an emotional day. R.I.P. Marshalene aka Grandma. #fuckcovid19 (at Karnack, Texas) https://www.instagram.com/p/CSsxawogQTp/?utm_medium=tumblr
#beauty #rockquarry #nature #swimminghole https://www.instagram.com/p/5NqGxsKn4s/?igshid=1qdq3or53w3o6
It’s been a while...
So, here we go again with a huge span of time that I went without saying a word; and needless to say there has been a ton of drama in my life since. (Who would I be if there weren’t unwanted, extremely improbable amounts of insane drama attached to me?!) Anyway, I suppose I will start with an update.
The last thing I posted was a depressed expression of how Ethan left me feeling when he broke up with me without even having a real reason. Hmm... not too long after that I lost my job at Everi, had to move back in with Josh, got a new job at the casino, worked at Walmart, did a fuckton of stupid shit, ... okay getting ahead of myself as usual... where was I? Oh, yea, so I was being petty because Ethan was being a dick, so I had Duston contact his SGT and get my external and My Heart. I know it was like really moronically petty and it left me zero reason to contact him other than the little bit of stuff that he had left with me or that I had borrowed from storage. A little after he broke up with me, Duston really tried to help me realize what a fucking idiot I’ve been most of my life and helped me to try to focus on making sure the kids and I are taken care of. (of course I’ve fucked up again since then.. but again.. who would I be if I didn’t?)
Back to what I was saying, when they were on the way back here from across the pond I got a message from Duston that was a photo of the back of Ethan’s head and arm and said “Guess who I got sat by on the ride home?” ... I was like “HIM” lol. Then my heart sank because I knew I would not get to see him or tell him welcome back or anything like that. As a matter of fact the last thing I said was *On Asa’s FB page/photo BTW* Welcome home Ethan. Because Heaven forbid I tell him welcome back to the good ol’ US of A, apparently that was grounds for FB blocking material. I was like are you frickin’ serious? I didn’t do anything awry to this man and this is the treatment I get? I kinda get it now, but when it happened I was even more devastated. I just talked to Chan and he said last he heard he had moved on and was doing good. In some ways I’m extremely happy for him, in others I’m extremely selfish and wish I could kick him in the dick. However, after losing his grandma, a potential niece/nephew, and Asa all within a short span of time right before the anniversary of his older brother’s death, I think he’s had enough heart ache. I really do wish him the best, I just wish he would apologize and that we could have remained in the friend-zone. That would have been fine with me.
Moving on: (but still going back) After I had lost the trailer house, my car broke down and almost killed Chris, Jade, and Issac, Ethan took the truck away from me and I lost my job at Everi I was pretty much forced to move back in with Josh or in to a homeless shelter.. not sure which would have been worse. I was finally getting on the right track I thought. I got a job at walmart, got my car fixed (so i thought), was losing weight and looking good, being more social, etc. But, then Jessica. Oh.. how I have come to loath that name (No offense to the one Jessica I love from the casino). This Jessica was somehow involved in a 3 way love triangle betwixt Joshua, Stephani, Cody G, and Issac. This bish.. I thought I was nuckin’ futz... I don’t have shit on her. Anyway, finally that drama died down and I got a job at the casino in the cage that I had been waiting for forever. I started making decent money, got a decent car and without telling anyone moved out. Then right when that was happening, out of the blue Owen asks me if he can still come out here. It’s been pure insanity since.
It was a whirlwind romance never meant to last. Hearts were broken, shattered into tiny pieces of glass; you might be able to put it back together, however there will be shards that you will never find to make the piece whole again.
At first it felt like being on top of the world, now you’re left in the cold with no one to hold going over it in your mind a thousand times. What did I do wrong? What did I say to make you go away? Why did you tell me you owed me eternity if you weren’t prepared deliver? How can you miss me yesterday, but not today? How could you ask me to wait, yet you didn’t have the patience? While I sit here and cry, do you even think about me? Do you wonder if I cry alone at night while you live your life full of smiles?
Would you even care if I disappeared?
You made me feel loved and respected, I don't know how much longer I can travel down this path of rejection; constantly haunted by pain, regret, and lonliness I linger on with hope that I'll eventually forget. Forget the memories both happy and sad, forget the words that you said that made me feel so bad. Forget all the promises that you made in vain, when it came down to we; only I remained. I hope you'll realize the mistake that was made, but until then I'll be here with the shattered remains of my heart wondering where I went so wrong and made it all fall apart.
I mean it.
some fucking resources for all ur writing fuckin needs
body language masterlist
a translator that doesn’t eat ass like google translate does
a reverse dictionary for when ur brain freezes
550 words to say instead of fuckin said
638 character traits for when ur brain freezes again
some more body language help
Valentine’s Day 2018
I know that yesterday I was keeping a stiff upper lip when it comes to the whole Valentine’s Day thing, and I was okay until I saw a friend sent his wife flowers from over there. Now, I’m not so tough. I’m a little broken up about it. I try so hard not to compare because every situation is different and I do know that his MOS is different from Ethan’s so he might not be as busy right now as my guy. (He’s also been in for a lot longer and has been deployed before, so he has done this a time or two.. or six.) I honestly don’t want or expect anything because that’s just not who I am, but I do hope that he at least lets me know he is okay today. I am really missing him. Seeing everyone already celebrating this “day of love” is really a slap in the face at the moment. It will only get worse as the day goes on. I will definitely be happy when it becomes the 15th. (Half price candy day.. duh!!!!! I get to eat my feelings instead of feel them!!!!)
February 13, 2018
Today was supposed to be a good day. I got off of work, went to the gym for almost 2 hours. Went to get some sushi, then go home and sleep for a little while before the little one gets home from school. But, it just couldn’t go that way could it? I get home and had to fight with my brother. AGAIN. About the same old things. Why can’t we just coexist peacefully. I realize he’s a grown man who needs to get a job and do for himself, but I also know how it is to be where he is right now. Depressed, confused, scared to be alone, bi-polar, angry, full of animosity for the life that we were forced into by shitty parents and our own bad decisions. So, here I am consistently torn between what I should do as a sister and what I should do to help him as a person. I love him and I don’t want to see him suffer, but the only thing that brought me back from the brink of death was a fun little trip to Red Rock. (A mental health facility.) That trip will sober you up real quick. You will realize that you would rather have your freedom than be “locked up” like a prisoner. Told when to eat, when to sleep, watched in the shower if you’re going to shave, everything taken away from you except for a communal phone that you only get a few minutes to talk on a day if someone chooses to call you. It is not a fun experience. Not to mention the food sucks and you are made to take your medicines day and night. I wanted to get out of there so badly I would have done anything. And I did. I faked my way out. “I’m socializing, I’m taking my meds, I’m going to stay with mental health when I get out of here.” Boom, free. But, I did seek counseling afterwards, which was pretty much all I needed in the first place, I was just at a loss and in denial about the effect it would actually have on my life.
Now that I don’t have a counselor, I really wish I did. I just don’t trust anyone like I trusted Elyse. She was the only counselor I’ve ever been able to really open up to. After four years of seeing her, I feel like she left me with a decent amount of coping skills. I still need to work on a lot of things, I mean counseling is not magic, but I am way better than I was back then for sure. I want this for him. I want my brother to be able to get through at least the majority of the days without being sad, thinking people hate him, and just being destructive to himself. It breaks me down, probably more than it does him. Then, on top of all this mess with him, I started to feel sick again. I am not wanting to go back to the doctor. I’m worse than a child, I know. I just want to go a few weeks without feeling like complete garbage. I’ve been doing the “5 positive things a day for a month” that Ethan said I had to do. It has helped. Of course “today” which was mostly before midnight was crappy so I had a lot of trouble coming up with anything. I guess I would say 1. My kids are okay. 2. Ethan seems to be okay, I really don’t know as I haven’t heard from him in about three days. (No news is good news?) 3. I went to the gym again today. I had a good experience there. 4. I got sushi! Cheaper than I normally would have paid for it and it was authentic and fresh made. Thank you Pruitt’s :) 5. I still have a job for now. hahaha. (I forgot Ethan said food doesn’t count.. so I still need one more. I’ll think of something I’m sure.)
So, I got to work last night and a co-worker asked me if I was upset because I missed Ethan and it’s close to Valentine’s Day. I almost started laughing. She wouldn’t understand this, but the whole time I was with Josh I didn’t get anything for Valentine’s Day. We might go to the store the day after and buy some half priced candy because that’s the kind of person he is. He doesn’t believe in buying things at full price. The more he can get off of it, the more he gets off. So to speak. So, no flowers, no cards, no jewelry, no candy, no clothes, nothing. I think it’s safe to say that not getting anything from Ethan or being able to be with him on V-Day will not phase me in the least. If you don’t expect anything, then you can’t be disappointed right? I would be happy just to get a message saying he’s okay. That would be the greatest gift I could get this year. He did ask me about a month ago what my favorite flower was, so maybe I’ll get a letter with some roses on it or something. That would be sweet and I would very much cherish it para siempre.
Anyway, I just wanted to get this off of my chest. I know no one reads my blogs so this is the perfect place to let my feelings out without dumping everything on Ethan, Karina, or Nick. Anyone who does so happen to read this, I hope you have a wonderful day.
M. Nicole
Kindness is often mistaken for softness and let me tell you, friends….that is a mistake you don’t want to make.
Kind people are not born that way, they do not stumble into it, kind people are forged in fire and darkness and imploding stars…they have steel cores. Throw a punch and you’re going to break your hand.
Kind people are kind because they know firsthand that life isn’t.
“The helper seeks to help because he knows what it is to be helpless”
Hidden, or disappearing, fore-edge painting is a technique that dates back to the mid 17th century, when London bookbinders began decorating not the flat edge of a text block, but rather the gently fanned edge. Doing so caused the image to appear and vanish depending on how the pages were held. In some cases, as with the views of Boston and Philadelphia above, two different scenes were painted on either side of the fore-edge, so that only the gilt edge is visible until the pages are fanned in one direction or the other.
There’s more about these fore-edge paintings on the From the Stacks blog!
Fore-edge painting of York Cathedral. Thomas and Katharine Macquoid. About Yorkshire. 1894. New-York Historical Society.
Double fore-edge painting of oval views of Hull and Olney, with decorative surrounds. John Scott. The Life of the Rev. Thomas Scott, Rector of Aston Sandford, Bucks. 1836. New-York Historical Society.
Double-fore edge paintings of Boston and Philadelphia. Washington Irving. The Sketch Book of Geoffrey Crayon, Gent. 1864. New-York Historical Society.
Fore-edge painting of Eton from Windsor Castle. Thomas Gray. Poems and Letters. 1867. New-York Historical Society.
Continuation Feb. 8, 2018
Back at work. It was an eventful day that I got to spend with my Marlisha! I’ve missed her so. I have just been either working or sleeping lately so we haven’t really hung out much. We chilled out and watched some YouTube, took some field trip money up to Tristan’s school for his Disney on Ice event that happens on April 6th, then we went out to lunch at Villegas. The food was amazing! (As usual!) I even heard from Ethan today. Just when I was starting to feel really down, he brings me back up with just a short, sweet message. I don’t know how I got so lucky, but I am determined not to squander it. This week has been so good I’m almost scared I’m going to jinx it. (If you believe in that sort of thing, like I do. It’s like everything is going so well that something bad just has to happen right?) But, Tristan won the entire first grade spelling bee yesterday and I could not be more proud. Brian has been doing fairly well this week. And Jade even came over to visit! I missed that turd too. (And I know Brian missed his best friend.) I hope that everything stays on the path that it has been. I still miss my rock, but at least I know he’s okay. <3
February 8, 2018
All I want on days like this is for my head, my heart, and my body to gain perfect alignment and allow me to feel whole. That is even harder for me to do now than it was before.
I gave my heart to someone who has flown thousands of miles away to fulfill his dream of being in the Army to serve a purpose that is greater than himself. If you ever met him, you would know that even without the military, he lives to be of service to others. He’s always willing to help; wanting to make everyone elses’ lives to be full of joy. I just want to repay him for all that he’s done. Not just for me, but for everyone around him. I can’t give him anything but love, but I will never stop striving to give him everything he needs and deserves, just like he does for everyone else. He’s my rock, my motivation, my world. I can hardly wait to see him again. I feel as if I’m going to fall to pieces before he makes it back. Especially during these times where he’s not communicating how he’s feeling or what he’s doing. I know some things can’t be said, but other things can. I wait patiently day by day hoping and praying that his feelings will not change for me. Or that when he comes home he won’t want someone who is more than what I am. (More ambitious, beautiful, disciplined, just more...)
Because of some of the discussions we’ve had I try very hard not to think this way and the majority of the time I’m okay. I think, “he wants me the way I am.” Other times, like now, I think; “He’s going to get here and be very disappointed.” I don’t want to disappoint him, I just know myself. I want to change and to grow, and I hope that he will still be willing to stand by my side while I go through this very long, strenuous, nearly impossible task. I say that t’s nearly impossible because I have so many issues: PTSD, Chronic Depression, and a serious Anxiety problem. I wish I didn’t have these things to deal with. (Especially due to the way it has affected my children. They deserve so much more, so much better. I try every day to be better than the day before. Sometimes I fail. I do my best not to beat myself up on those days, it’s just difficult not to when you know you want to do better and you can’t seem to get it right.)
Anyway, I’m going to get off here and get ready to go home. Today will be a better day than yesterday.
To whoever loves me next, I’m sorry if I’m afraid of you or if days of flirting turn to radio silence, without warning. I’m sorry if I make you say the words over and over and over until I believe them. (I’m sorry if I don’t believe them.) I will probably spend more time worrying about losing you than I spend trying to keep you. Trouble is, every single time I’ve ever thought something was too good to be true– I’ve been right. Understand, I will know how to be vulnerable with you, but I won’t know how not to regret it. And I have no idea how deep we’ll be into this relationship before I admit I’ve never done this before. Not really. Not in any way that counts. Before I admit that I know how to put my body inside someone else’s but not how to make it beautiful. I probably won’t be easy to love. Too many people loved me badly, I’m not sure I know how to do it right.
Ashe Vernon (via thelovejournals)
One of the most amazing things that can happen is finding someone who sees everything you are and won’t let you be anything less. They see the potential of you. They see endless possibilities. And through their eyes, you start to see yourself the same way as someone who matters. As someone who can make a difference in the world. If you’re lucky enough to find this person, never let them go.
Susan Colasanti, So Much Closer (via the-book-diaries)
reasons i haven’t replied back:
- i’m socially exhausted - i don’t have the time right now - i don’t know how to reply - i have a bad memory and got distracted - i’m having a depressive episode and don’t have the energy to socialise
not reasons i haven’t replied back:
- i’m ignoring you just because - i hate you - i’m fed up with you - i don’t want to be your friend anymore
