Rarely in life do things ever go as we planned, almost never. Sometimes the outcomes are better than we planned, but sometimes things happen out of our control that we have to reconcile with. This has been my first month as a parent!
When my doula gave me an outline of a âbirth planâ she encouraged me to look at it more like âbirth preferencesâ, because in labor especially things rarely go according to plan. I understood the idea, and really wanted to be able to be flexible, I even told myself and others âwhatever it takes to get her out safe I am willing to doâ but in my heart, I really wanted things to go a certain way.
I wanted to go into labor naturally and not have to be induced, as well as being able to labor at home as long as I could. Well my water broke on its own but I did not go into labor so I had to be started on Pitocin once I went into the hospital, no labor at home. I had heard certain things about Pitocin and its effects on labor so my mind was extremely closed to using it, but I didnât really have a choice.
Along with not using Pitocin, I wanted an entirely drug free labor, as well as no internal monitoring devices. I wanted the freedom to labor where I wanted when I wanted, especially utilizing the large luxurious tub they have in their rooms! I thought this freedom would help me get through the delivery all naturally. Well of course, my body had different plans. Upon being admitted to the hospital I had a fever and was diagnosed with an infection in my uterus of the amniotic fluid. WHAT?! What does that mean for me? What does that mean for my baby? At this point I was in a state of fear beyond the frustration of having to use Pitocin.
Because of the infection, every idea I had about my labor had to be thrown out the window. I had to have an internal monitor to track my contractions, so no tub. The pitocin had to be kicked up every 30 minutes so that an extended labor would not put me or the baby in jeopardy, and I had to be started on antibiotics in my IV. My entire labor I fought the nurse on the amount of Pitocin she was giving me (when I say fought I mean on my part being stubborn, she was nothing but a SAINT and following doctors orders), I kept asking for them to take the internal monitor out so I could get in the bath, but that was a no go (they had to monitor my contractions were strong enough for a productive labor) so I could not use that technique I was looking forward to. I made it to 7cm dilated when I finally couldnât take the pain anymore, and opted for an epidural. I do NOT regret that decision, it allowed me to store up the energy I needed for pushing! My doc gave me a timeline for when she needed to be born only due to the risk the infection was putting on me and her. So to add insult to injury, I was racing the clock!
I went in to the hospital at 7AM and baby Brooklyn was born at 8:27 that evening! After a close call for a c-section she was here! She was out! The joy was indescribable, seeing her squished purple body, holding her close to me and looking at the face I was imagining for 9 months! It was over, I was done with labor, after 9 months of dreading what it would be like! Or so I thought. My body was so tired from laboring that it did not do what it was supposed to afterwards and I lost 3x the amount of blood that I was supposed to. Luckily my doctor was quick to my side, and he got it under control. This extended my recovery at home about 2-3 weeks, but I will go into that another time!
At the end of the day, the long hard 14 hour day, my daughter was as healthy as could be! My fever broke the next morning and my infection was gone! I had an amazing doctor who allowed me as much freedom as he could to do it the way that I wanted. I prayed for my nurses while I was pregnant and I got the exact nurses I was supposed to get. Tatiana stuck closely with me the entire time, was patient with me, helped support my efforts the best way she could and alongside my doctor allowed me as many liberties as she could. Before Brooklyn was born her shift was over, she did shift change and went to finish her notes and head home. To my surprise, 1.5 hours later when all was done I saw her head peeking around the corner, she said she couldnât leave without seeing it through.
I still think about that day, mostly beaming with pride that I did something I was really afraid of, but sometimes I have to catch myself when I think of the negatives, I can get caught in a cycle of fear and anxiety. There were so many things that zigged when I wanted them to zag and I really do have to reconcile with that, but why not just look down at my daughter sleeping in her bouncer and leave it at that. She was my goal, she was my prize, she was and still is my motivation for doing the things that are hard!
