Mommy Darkness

Stop eating my captain crunch.

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I guess I shouldn't have?

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Typical Morning Shenanigans

"Time to stop playing and get ready for school."

"3 more minutes"

"Zero more minutes.  And also don't forget to brush your teeth. I will smell your breath before exiting this room!"

"I brushed my teeth yesterdayyyyyyyyyyy mommyyyyyyyyy."

"Please go get dressed.  What do you want in your lunch?"

"Chocolate pancakes and pizza."

"In reality. For school. In a lunch box."

"I want a new lunch box the one from the FROZEN movie."

"What do you want in your tummy. During your lunch. In the classroom. Tell me now or I'm making you healthy things only."

"Ok! ummm not that. or that. Can you put my hair in a long braid like this long?"

"Why are you still naked?!"

"I'm ready!"

"You can't wear a flower girl dress to preschool.  How can you climb on the playground in that?"

"Mommy I don't climb." (eye roll - really she rolls her eyes at me)

"Go change and hurry! And please put on your shoes and socks."

"Why aren't you wearing shoes?"

"Because I'm a mother and rules don't apply to me. When you are a mother you will understand. Why are you STILL NOT DRESSED??"

" I didn't want that kind of juice box I wanted the other kind!" (they are both the same kind just in different colored boxes)

"Are you ready to go?"

"You didn't do my hair!"

"You still don't have shoes on!"

"Mom. Stop freaking out. I'll put them on in the car.  Pinky promise."

"Fine. Hold on I need coffee."

"Ugh mom. I'm gonna be late for school!"

Every. Single. Day. End scene.

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Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house.

-Louis CK

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Happy Administrative Assistant Day! (or whatever they pretend we are)

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Happy Easter!

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Lelli Kelly is clearly NOT a mother

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1. I’m sorry to call at 2 a.m. but I don’t think we’ve ever discussed your philosophy on vaccinations.

2. I did a quick Google search on my phone and have to strongly disagree.

3. It turns out that we actually live closer to your home than to your office. Could we just schedule something at your...

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No Seriously. These are some of my 3am thoughts:

1. Did Cher Horowitz really settle for Paul Rudd after saving herself for Luke Perry? Luckily and if you've seen Luke lately, you know it wasn't the woooorst decision in the world.

2. There should really be weight limits for bathing suit shopping.  There is no reason why we all have to suffer watching a fat person in a fringe bikini desperately try to get all 300lbs on top of the raft. 

3. There are three types of people to stay away from based on movie choices: Men who's favorite movie is "American Psycho," mothers of toddler girls that haven't seen "Frozen," and elementary school students who watch "Chucky" movies.

4.  Balloons are the fucking worst.  When they start to lose air, they float into your room in the middle of the night when the air conditioner is on and scare the shit out of you and force you to wake up your husband to stab it, take out the air, and put it in the fucking trash before you put him in the trash for buying it.

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Coachella Truth #56

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A working mom’s open letter to Gwyneth Paltrow

DITTO

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The Only Thing Worse Than a Sick Man Is a Sick Child.

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#LazyGirlProblems: 23 Signs You're Staying In Tonight

It's Friday at 11 am and you're already exhausted thinking about the possibility of going out.

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Bippity Boppity... Truth!

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Throw Back Thursday: Manly Men Edition

In honor of Valentine's Day and "throw back Thursday", ladies and gentlemen, I bring you: The Manly Men of Yesteryear.

These men are REAL MEN.  The ones women fantasize about while they look across the dinner table at their husband wearing skinny jeans, thick glasses with no prescription lenses, and part time jobs. 

The men of yesteryear did not own small dogs, they did not kill a spider in the bathroom by throwing a book at it, they did not drink blended alcoholic beverages and they did not diet.

Let's take a moment to remember the good ole days.

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Truthful Tuesday: Baby vs. Toddler

1. SICK CHILD: When my daughter was a baby and got sick, she would cuddle with me and sleep all day and I'd feel bad for even the slightest runny nose she had to suffer with.  Now that she's four years old, the only time she comes near me is to sneeze on my face and shove Kleenex at me to wipe her nose. Newsflash: If  you can wipe your ass, you can wipe your own nose.

2. GETTING DRESSED: There was a time it would take 5 minutes to get my daughter dressed and out of the house. I'd pick out some fabulous outfit only me and my friends on instagram would appreciate, grab my diaper bag and we'd be out of there. Now, it's like a 40 minute process of 10 outfit changes and chasing her through the house with a hair brush. When did she become Paris Hilton?

3. CAR RIDES: The days of the car seat facing backwards with those crinkly toys and fuzzy books that keep them occupied before they pass out is something I miss often.  Now I have a midget back seat driver who wants to listen to the same songs on repeat as background noise for the 100 questions about where we are going, what we are going to do after that and if she can get a new toy for no reason at all.

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Tina Fey Understands Me.

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The Only Valentines Day Cards that Matter

Fully stole this from Buzzfeed. Fyi.