Several people have pointed out how Nasir is *shutting down* or *putting his Tiberius mask back on*, which I completely agree with.
Now I made a post yesterday how both Agron and Castus were basically telling Nasir how he feels/how he has to feel/what he’s supposed to do. What occurred to me today while rummaging through my huge drawer of Nasir feels, is something that pisses me off to no end.
Nasir retreating to showing barely a reaction at all (again: in regards to both Agron and Castus), made me think that maybe that is because he tries to see the blame in himself. He obviously thinks that both Castus and Agron are wrong in what they are saying to him, but he becomes quiet, possibly pondering over a) he may have shown Castus the wrong signals and b) how Agron may actually be right in his decision and the more mature/responsible one in the conversation.
If we assume that a slave/master relationship is classified inherently abusive, then Nasir’s reaction would be absolutely fitting, because there are still traces of this mindset that he hasn’t shaken off yet. I don’t think a year (maybe?) is enough to get rid of behavioural structures that were once ingrained and essential for survival (!!!). I am convinced that this stuff still shapes some of his interaction with people, even if he doesn’t want it to.
Abusive partners tend to make their partner believe that everything is their fault, and partners being abused often accommodate to their partners, to avoid conflict. (I know this is *very* generally spoken and not really academic, I’m just speaking from personal experience, which of course totally shapes my opinion on this.). I feel like Nasir is not really over this. Of course the relations between a slave and his dominus are wildly different from a romantic relationship, but I feel like some basic things still linger within Nasir and reflect in his behaviour when it comes to the people he is closest to.
When Castus tells him that Nasir must like him, even though he said several times that he didn’t, Nasir seems to immediately doubt himself (that’s my interpretation, although I have read it from other people too). That is exactly why this scene made ME froth and foam at the mouth. Because that’s exactly a manipulating technique abusers use. Making you question yourself and your behaviour over things that didn’t even occur to you before, making you blame yourself. (Disclaimer: I’m not calling Castus an abuser here, just saying that he did certain things in this particular scene that might be familiar to Nasir.)
If Nasir thinks that maybe he “invited Castus by behaving a certain way”, then my heart will be shattered. The thought that Nasir even for a minute thinks about this, makes me hurt. Badly.
And then Agron. Holding a speech (hmmm…), illustrating his points about how it is totally right for him to seperate and how everything is done out of love for Nasir, that he has to leave him, even though Nasir says he doesn’t want him to. Agron thinks he’s stating pure facts in this conversation, rather than the debatable opinion they are, and doesn’t allow Nasir to protest or interject really.
Nasir obviously doesn’t think Agron’s right in this. Yet he falters and kinda gives in to Agron’s opinion, and the look upwards when he and Agron hug is so telling. He doesn’t know what to do. Then, when they give each other the infamous *goodbye nod*, it seems to me like the doubts about his own feelings have prompted Nasir to try to just stop feeling at all. His face. Nothing. Remember his eyes when he talked to Agron before, and then look at his face. There is nothing left.
My heart strongly wishes for Nasir to have come to the conclusion that nothing will change Agron’s mind anyway, so he refuses to let the pain consume him. BUT, if Nasir actually, because of the things illustrated above, gave in to doubting himself, up to the point that he tricked himself into thinking that maybe afterall Agron was right and he himself didn’t think it through well enough…then again, my heart will be shattered.
To be clear: I’m not calling Agron or Castus abusers here, I’m just saying that maybe Nasir reacts to them in a way that previously was the only one he knew, because of the abusive nature of his relations from when he was a slave. And that is one of the things that hurt me the most about this episode.
I believe in Nasir. I want to. I want him to realize that the life that once was all he knew, if forever over.
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