Asexual potato wedge

[monkeynumber5]

What do we do?

If gay and lesbian people get out of the closet… What does an asexual do? Crawl out of the cupboard? Parade out of the pantry? Waltz out of the wardrobe?  Caught in the cabinet?

[monkeynumber5]

Made a deer out of chocolate

[monkeynumber5]

Conversation I had with a colleague

Dom:   “What sound does a chicken make in Dutch?”

Me:      “Well the same sound every chicken makes.”

Dom:   “Noooo, no they don’t! Do they make the cluck-cluck sound?”

Me:     “Yeah.”

Dom:   “I don’t believe you!”

Me:     “Okay they don’t, but I’m not supposed to talk about it because it’s a secret sound.”

Dom:   “Oh yeah! Like when the baby’s learning the sound of the animals. The cow goes…”

*Baby: “Moo.”

Dom:   “The pig goes…”

*Baby: “Oink-oink.”

Dom:   “The chicken goes…”

*Baby: “Shhhh, the foreigner is here.”

Me:     “Exactly.”

[monkeynumber5]

Nightmare

Last week I dreamt three times that one-twentieth of the human population randomly started to float and grow little wings. They would float to their soulmate and the further away they were, the higher they would float. And when I say soulmates, I don’t mean the romance in it, but the best buddy for life kind of thing. But of course people tend to fall in love with someone with who they have a special connection so that also happened. People started calling them angels.

In my dream I also started to float and grow little black wings. I was very confused because I’m a little asexual potato wedge who don’t like humans very much. I assumed I would float to one of my best friends because she is the light of my life, but I started to float higher and higher. I floated overseas and lands, crashed into a French woman who was panicking and a man who I couldn’t understand, all the way to the other side of the Earth… But I wake up every time I’m about to land.

And when I say dreamt I mean nightmare because I’m terrified of heights.  And when I wake up I still feel the sensation of crashing to the ground.

[monkeynumber5]

Pick-up line

One time I was working in a chocolate company for my internship and they made little chocolate pick-up trucks for a car dealer who had a showroom a few doors next to us.

My colleague was getting the chocolates out of the moulds and put them neatly in one big row. I looked him straight in the eye and said: “That’s the best pickup line I’ve ever seen.”

He didn’t understand and that’s why I don’t have any faith in humankind.

[monkeynumber5]

‘I wish I had your confidence’

‘Haha, bitch get your own’ I laugh while I internally crumble from anxiety.