Monologuish

Thoughts from inside my head that I can't share with anyone except anonymously.

[monologuish]

Every time I visit the OBGYN

[minus-the-negative]

[monologuish]

God damn.

[monologuish]

You are responsible for your own happiness

So, you know how sometimes you’re on Facebook, you watch a video and then you look up, realize it’s been an hour and half and you’ve fallen down the rabbit hole of video scrolling? I was doing that the other day and came across a video of Will Smith talking about marriage and relationship.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=nUwzrqcPujg

Now, I didn’t necessarily go into this endless video scrolling with the idea that I wanted a motivational pep talk from Agent J. But that’s how it turned out. I’m watching that video and I start tearing up, like, I did not expect to receive words of wisdom from a viral video. But I did and that’s kind of awesome. I heard the words “I am responsible for my own happiness” and it was like a lightbulb turned on.

Lately, life has not been easy. I’ve been stressed and pissy and have found my mental health has been in a downward spiral. I have not been happy. So when I hear those words, I’m kind of dumbfounded.

My partner and I met and got engaged in under a year. It was so fast. Crazy fast. Sometimes I forget that. We got married less than a year later. Again, CRAZY FAST. And so I’m sitting here with the revelation that we’re still getting to know each other. And we will be getting to know each other for probably the next 30 years or more. Neither of us have a TON of experience with relationships either. This year, we’re also putting ourselves through the stress of moving multiple times and some big financial decisions. Why did it not occur to me that this could fuck up our relationship if we weren’t careful?

So last night, when we were dropping off to sleep, I rolled over, offered a backrub and proceeded to take 15 minutes and remind them why I was with them. Why I love them. Why they’re beautiful to me. And to remind them that, despite the stress, the disagreements and the worry, I’m not going anywhere. Hearing this outpouring, they seemed to go still and just try to take it in. So I gave them a quick hug and said “I love you”. And the “I love you, too” I got in return sounded different than it normally does. More reserved, but deeper.

My realization has been that my responsibility for me own happiness also means being honest with my partner about how I feel about them and our relationship (the good and the bad) because (surprise) they can’t read my mind and I can’t read theirs.

[stayprettyandsmile]

Be yourself 🌻

[cirxe]

my favourite headcanon is pureblood wizarding society being 110% okay with queerness. like, nobody talks about it or bothers to come out, because it’s just assumed you’re probably some shade of bisexual. the slytherin dorms don’t stop boys going into the girl’s rooms like in gryffindor because bruh, as if that’s going to do anything about the amount of sex anybody’s having. homophobia is just another reason why muggles suck.

my other favourite headcanon is draco’s giant ass crush on harry potter being the the longest-standing form of entertainment in the slytherin common room. drinking games (”take a shot every time malfoy mentions potter” “do I look like I want alcohol poisoning”). bets (“a galleon says malfoy’s up that tree so he can jump down dramatically when potter walks past” “no way, but I’ll bet the same he’ll mention his father while trying to flirt” “deal”). continued exasperation (“potter’s ass on that broom is going to cost us the quidditch cup. I don’t think malfoy’s even tried looking for the snitch yet.” “every fucking year this shit”).

my third favourite headcanon is a gay muggleborn from a loving-but-homophobic family walking in on this giant gay-loving mess. maybe they’re sorted into slytherin, maybe they just befriend the one slytherin who’s not a douchebag to muggleborns, but either way they end up spending time around them and their total lack of heterosexuality. girls publicly making out on the first day back after hols and everyone telling them they’re gross because merlin, we all know you saw her like two days ago, daphne. neverending ending jokes about potter’s dick and draco malfoy’s desire to sit on it. slytherins who don’t even like each other holding hands in the corridor when they go past homophobic muggleborns.

one day this poor muggleborn is hanging out with the slytherins and finally realises their sexuality is totally a-ok here, and they’re thrilled to the point where they interrupt the elaborate planning of a snape-centric shampoo intervention to blurt, I’M GAY. and the slytherins just look at them, totally unimpressed and kinda confused. one says, “yeah, and do you want a medal or something?” because they really don’t get how big a deal this is. another yells, “that reminds me! I heard parkinson fucked malfoy and guess whose name he moaned as he came” and everyone just simultaneously groans cos their quidditch chances against gryffindor are so fucked this year

[bixgirl1]

How is this the BEST THING I’VE EVER READ IN MY LIFE?!?!? 😂😍😂😍😂😍😂😍

[thegaylibrarian]

@missfloralfox we care about your money not your sexuality

[melonmemes]

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

7 Quick Tips for Changing a Negative Mood

1. Change your environment, or leave the room.

2. Switch your thinking, or redirect your thoughts

3. Go outside and get some exercise

4. Listen to the music which usually lifts your mood

5. Look at the old photographs which always make you laugh

6. Text or call a friend who’s really going through tough times

7. Be nice to a stranger – play it forward – and be kind.

[monologuish]

Need advice

Really struggling today and I need advice. I have a moderately high sex drive and need physical affection. My SO has a lower (sometimes MUCH lower) sex drive and doesn’t like cuddling or physical affection. We’re in a long term committed relationship, but it seems like one of us is always struggling. Either I’m not happy because they’re not giving me what I need or they’re not happy because they feel inadequate and pressured. Admittedly, neither of these are intentional. And we’ve tried to compromise, but have hit hurdles.

My question: what the fuck do I do now?! I want (and plan) to be with this person for the rest of my life, but I have this almost primal (too Neanderthal like of a word? Instinctual?) need for physical affection that isn’t being met. They don’t want an open relationship (in fact they were quite traumatized over it) and neither do I, but I’m struggling with how to get my needs met and THEIR needs met when compromise seems impossible.

[monologuish]

Just adjusted my boobs in a new sports bra I'm trying and now it looks like they're cross-eyed.

[monologuish]

Relationships are hard AF

I’ve been getting progressively more and more frustrated and discontent with parts of our relationship and I’ve been (badly) attempting to hold it in for so long that it has turned into a depressive episode and I spent our first day of vacation walking around in a funk trying not to cry. SO knew something was wrong and tried to comfort me, but I was not having it. And I think I really did a disservice to them in that. We went back to our hotel, climbed into separate beds and I proceeded to attempt to silently cry myself to sleep. SO, after a while, climbed into my bed and slowly drew me out and got me to talk about all the shit whirling around in my head. And I think we’re in a better place now. We’re at least in a more open place. I just… I’ve been holding this all in (and getting bitter about it) because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings. And now even though everything is out in the open, I feel like I made things worse.

[monologuish]

Do I get to reblog myself? 'Cause this is still accurate.

[monologuish]

Feeling out of control

I feel like when ever I make myself vulnerable by being open and honest, I get rewarded by anxiety and silence from whoever I am trying to open up to. My mother told me today that my eyes look sad and I nearly burst into tears. Took my first Xanax today in almost six months because I felt like I could not get myself to calm down. My heart has been racing all day and my blood pressure skyrocketed. So Xanax it is. I'm still not doing well, but at least now I don't feel like I'm going to die or the world is ending.

[monologuish]

Working with old people

I am going to say something and it's going to come across as a bit ageist, but here it is: I am sick and tired of working with 50+ women that can't seem to do anything vaguely technological on their own. Like one of our people had a full on crisis because Excel was "giving her gibberish". All it was was that she needed to expand the column because it was showing ###### to signify the column wasn't wide enough. And then boss THREE TIMES IN A ROW sends me whole email campaigns to implement that are completely disregarding best practices and something I have told her every single time. Also, don't come to me with your Word questions. FUCKING GOOGLE IT LIKE THE REST OF US DO!

[monologuish]

First appointment with MFM specialist

...and beyond anxious right now. Partner isn't too happy about having to go either.

[monologuish]

Pets...

Sex instantly becomes awkward and creepy when the cat tries to join you in bed...

[monologuish]

I'm feeling really overwhelmed right now

I think it's probably PMS plus stress, but holy shit I am not doing well. I broke down in tears at my desk today and just came to grips with the fact of how much I hate my job. But I do it because I have bills to pay and it's the only thing I'm relatively good at. I'm not even particularly talented, just okay. But I'm so tired of the monotony and the stagnancy. I know not everyone is cut out for entrepreneurship or being a genius, and yet it feels like I just missed the boat on doing anything with my life.

[gifbro]

[tastefullyoffensive]

One cool cat.

[monologuish]

In need to teach my cat to do this...

[monologuish]

Going into Tuesday like