Qualified Rancher of Digital Monsters

this is where i talk about monsters online. if you'd like one reviewed, just send an ask

[monster-rancher-3]

CASANUVA - YOKAI WATCH

i’m gonna be honest with you. you’re probably the second most charming yokai i’ve ever seen. i don’t normally trust when games feature love-themed characters (and yokai watch isn’t my idea of a shining example of quality control in action) but here you are, magnificent.  -HEART SHAPED GUN HANDS <3 <3 <3  -beautiful long hair -bell bottom jeans (a teal that breaks up your colors nicely) -little wing feet -contemporary cupid

RATING: IDEAL RECIPIENT FOR CHOCOLATE

you are just such a snazzy little ghost. you must get stopped on the street everywhere you go. your heart themed outfit should inspire admirers to shower you in sugary confections as an apology for even daring to waste a moment of your time. your confidence is legendary and your design is so good that it almost makes me want to play yokai watch again, and thats not an easy feat.

[monster-rancher-3]

ALOLAN SANDSLASH - POKEMON

the first thing i want to get out of the way is - yes, you look just a little bit like sonic. it’s not really even that close a resemblance, but you’re blue and you have blue spikes and that’s really all it takes. i don’t think it defines you (especially considering that you really are not all that fast.) 

the one thing you two do have in common is that you are way past cool. everything about you, from how you look to how you move/sound, is just the most badass thing i’ve ever seen. you look like you could kill anything but you spend most of your time sleeping in trees. maybe you have more in common with sonic than i thought.

-can accidentally stab someone, giving them contact frostbite -is still called ‘sandslash’ despite changing your whole brand -sloppily spills snow around as you run -no.1 presidential candidate to kids who like cool things.

RATING: ICE COLD (COOLER THAN BEING COOL)

everyone on the committee has confirmed it, you are extremely cool. despite having sort of a fragile type combination, and being an all-in-all a rather chill fellow, you have some SERIOUS intimidation skills. you could have crumbled when faced with the task of living up to the shadow of a classic, but you glistened and glittered like a magnificent grinch ice sculpture on a chilly december day. 

[monster-rancher-3]

GARCHOMP - POKEMON

you’ve got a pretty polarizing reputation. i hope i’m not the first one to tell you but some people really have a problem with how you’re both a shark and a dragon who lives underground. me? i couldn’t be more stoked by those features. realizing you look sort of like an airplane makes me feel like i’m flying. when you’re rendered in any engine thats not using cell shading, i have to wonder what you’re made out of. you look way more like a painted human being than i thought you would- that’s all.    -getting paid big dollars for all the anime and game appearances -probably the most popular dragon type since charizard -looks like an airplane but goes underground - awesome -little star on your head

RATING: COOL FRIEND THAT GOT DETENTION

you keep telling me that you ‘definitely are capable of flying around’ with your big fish arms, but none of your friends will confirm it and you’re apparently too tired from your fight with rayquaza (that you won) to prove it to me yourself. you’ve got the makings of a weird little kid who convinced 12 year old me that their dad built them a robot wolf. only time will tell if i grow old to realize you were always making really mean jokes or that you were always the butt of them. for now, i am gullible, and i trust you.

[monster-rancher-3]

PAOLUMU - MONSTER HUNTER

wings, large bat face, optional body-consuming orb, you’re the whole package. no part of the face you’re making right now suggests that you’re the type to respond well to criticism, which makes me glad that i don’t have much. mostly i am interested in celebrating your wonderful soft ball and beautiful big ears. word on the street is that people have been picking a lot of fights with you. i can’t say i approve. i’m not sure that any coat is worth robbing the world of your fun beach ball visage and horrifying cave predator demeanor. -optional deflated ball edition for lazy mondays -extremely hard tail that can pop all balloons that outshine yours. -your eyes are in your ears -incredibly cute giant fingertips we’re all proud of

RATING: MODEL PRETENDING THEY JUST WOKE UP

yeah, we all saw you rub your eyes and do the big yawn, but you’re dressed to the nines with the sharpest eyeliner i’ve ever seen. i’m not saying you’re lying about waking up five minutes ago, but i’m not saying you’re not lying.

despite sometimes being a little showy, you’ve got a great sense of humor and a strong understanding of self - good to spend time with and to get to know. we all could learn a bit from your flexibility of wardrobe that lends itself both to function and to form. please follow me back on instagram.  ( requested by @slouchers )

[monster-rancher-3]

BURMY - POKEMON

just looking at you burmy i’m pretty sure that people have not been very nice to you. i’m worried that people are bullying you online. burmy don’t listen to them, okay? you’re everything, you deserve the world. it is so cool that you’re a little worm covered in leaves/trash/sand. it is awesome that you can just go on the ground and make a sick outfit for yourself.

i only found out recently that you’ve got a whole little worm body under there and you aren’t an upside down head hanging by a funny string- it was a shock to say the least but it honestly only made you cooler.

-split evolution line representative of the sexual dimorphism in bagworms -tend to look like you’re screaming  -prefers baggy clothes even in summer -can have a funny pink head:

RATING: MY COUSIN CHET

so I don’t have a cousin chet, but if i did- i feel like you’d be a lot like him. always wearing baggy clothes, listening to strange music, in a constant state of motion. everyone in the family is sure you’re going to just grow into a bigger version of you but you might surprise us all and change completely. we believe in you no matter what. follow your dreams.

[monster-rancher-3]

SKULLWAVE - MONSTER RANCHER

sometimes (even when you’re a badass pirate ship robot) you get stressed out and hide in your cone form. i appreciate that. your harpoon hands were a little scary at first but now all i can think about is what a commitment to aesthetic you must have. 

this part is a little bit puzzling to me, though. not sure if this is something you personally requested or perhaps a mean prank that the rest of the monsters played on you, but it does interfere with your “don’t mess with me, i’m sharp all over” brand just a little bit.  -apparently used to be a real pirate ship -was the monster i obsessed about having but never did when i was 8 -incredible color palette -best fusion of robot/pirate aesthetics i’ve ever seen -still has bad days

RATING: NOT A BATHROOM

i hope i’m not stepping out of line when i say that to me you seem to be much more than anything a simple bathroom could be. everything from your slick paint job to your random horn that seems unrelated to everything else just screams ‘late 90s perfection.’ never change, skullwave. i love you.