transparency

closed my eyes and counted down fell into the deep blue sea a dive in which i never came back up

[pokeholics]

[hilarioushumorfromouterspace]

[montau-k]

i’m back bitches

and i’m better than ever 

[paprika]

[eye-know]

[ofmiceandcheeze]

[mocheon-deactivated20180917]

[montau-k]

07/20/2016

dear sujin,

here is your deadline in a year you will no longer have obligations to people who drive you insane if not obligations, interactions, words, faceless gifts, etc etc etc  by 7/20/2017 you will be reasonably more content you will have new ears and new voices to help you feel better and less alone fuck i’m so angsty fuck fuck fuck

[montau-k]

and you know, i gotta say, i think i did this thing right

i made new friends and kept the ones that mattered

reasonably better year

[montau-k]

this blog is a wasteland nobody i grew up with is on this desolate stratosphere of rebloggable pictures and soundbytes 

i kind of like it it’s like i’m in that big vaccuum of a room squidward is in when he’s alone and then slowly goes insane

[montau-k]

when do things get better? or easier? what if i die feeling like it never got better? what if i die feeling like i never experienced the same level of happiness i may have had as a child? the truth is i don’t even remember the sheer, blind fury of happiness every child sinks themselves in. was it real? was it true? i’ve been watching a lot of videos of old people -- old people with alzheimers, old people with terminal illnesses, old people who refuse to die -- and i wonder if they ever lie awake at 7 pm at night after some tasteless porridge and shredded chicken and rack the shelves in their brain to find their four-year-old self. do they find them? do they think they find them? do they recreate what they think is real? are they afraid it is unreal? or do they let those wide-awake dreams rock them to sleep? how can it be unreal if they feel real, they might ask. 

2016 was worse than 2015 and 2015 was slightly more terrible than 2014 

was it? i don’t remember

[kruel-kid]

[montau-k]

7 years? 7 years.

half moon bay, yosemite, weed, kid cudi poster, raking leaves, ice skating, the counter, majical cloudz, san francisco, astronauts etc, wombat, necklaces, denim jacket, belly rub, thai grata, fooling around in the sand, overlooking santa cruz cliffs, hiking, castle rock, water polo, speech and debate, the way you bite your thumb when you’re thinking, natural history museum, this is how you lose her, weekend uber, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, santa monica picnic, red vans on accident, ice cream mochi, mac miller, the gym, chocolate chip pancakes, berkeley, saying i love you, saying i love you too

there’s more, there’s more, there’s more  something is splintering the memories i am trying to recall i am so afraid to forget anything, anything, anything 

i’m sorry i didn’t write about you more

[montau-k]

so much to do not gonna do it tonight what am i doing stress rashes alive and well

[montau-k]

what the fuck am i doing

[montau-k]

happiness is not the goal; it is a side effect

“And researchers just love to tell us, that money doesn’t buy happiness. I know what you’re thinking, how much do researchers make?

Everything in this world is going up. And happiness is going down, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

How many of us, I wonder, can recall that childhood moment when we experienced happiness as a state of being.

That single moment of untarnished joy. That moment when everything in our world, inside and out was alright. Everything was alright.

But now we’ve become a colony of adults and everything is all wrong. All the time! It’s as if we were on a quest to get it back.

And yet the more we focus on our own personal happiness, the more it is useless.

In fact, it’s only when we are otherwise engaged, you know, focused on, absorbed, inspired, communicating, discovering, learning dancing, for heavens sake that we experience happiness as a by product, a side effect.

Oh no. We should concern ourselves not so much with the pursuit of happiness, but with the happiness of a pursuit.”

[moviecapss]

[housewitchgreen-deactivated2020]