Hello! *waves* I've resolved to get more active in fandom! Since I can't gif, can't write, can't draw, I'll be trying to carve out my space with what I can do: leave long-ass comments on multichaptered fics on ANYTHING and write a goddamn ramble in tags. MY GOAL: unashamedly write comments in many (not all) of my reblogs (with gifs where applicable oh god gifs) and send an ask EACH TIME an ask meme crosses my dash. It's an easy goal, I think. My AO3 is: Eekhoorntjes (and I need to clean out my bookmarks there, too ;o; yikes) I hope you have a lovely day <3
I know I’m not the first person to say this but fandom’s seeming need to shove any character dynamic into some kind of familial role (siblings, father-son, mother-daughter etc) increasingly feels just as stifling and dismissive of platonic love as making every relationship romantic does.
I dunno man do you view all of your close friends as siblings cause I sure don’t. and I definitely don’t think of them as parents
As more and more people are being forced to switch to Windows 11, Microsoft's most AI-malware-ridden OS yet, I've been putting together articles and links for how to undo the damage and save your battery, your RAM, your disk space, your privacy, and your sanity from this bullshit.
FIRST:
The easiest way to get rid of the majority of the bullshit that Windows is forcing on us, as of October 2025, is this one-stop-one-click debloat solution from a modern day hero:
A simple, lightweight PowerShell script to remove pre-installed apps, disable telemetry, as well as perform various other changes to customi
It's very easy, even if you're not tech savvy or get scared of pop up windows saying "ARE YOU SURE?" Yes, you are sure, I promise. This program takes maybe two minutes and will save you SO MUCH pain, time, and money (and exploitation).
Now that you've done that, here's the cleanup, to catch the little shit that the debloat might have missed (most of this will already be done by debloat, but hey, it's good to double check).
Microsoft wants to put AI everywhere on your PC, but you can take back control.
Even just reading about some of these features makes me angry. Fucking Copilot and "Discover" AI scrapers are in Notepad. NOTEPAD. And then there's this uncanny valley garbage:
No uncanny valley video calls for me, thanks! (Also, what else is it doing while it scans your face and listens to your calls? What else, microsoft? Because there was a lot of memory being assigned to this program for a simple "smooths your skin" add on).
Tired of Microsoft pushing ads throughout Windows 11? Here are the settings you can tweak to turn them off and reclaim some privacy.
The truly insane number of places they have stuck ads on your own home computer is sickening. Become Unmarketable.
Bonus:
Some background programs you probably don't need that are taking up space and how to remove them (Microsoft forums, 2024)
Your Samsung Galaxy Phone comes with 22 apps you don't need (Android Police, 2025)
How to disable the AI in firefox (still the only browser that lets you do this permanently) (Windows Report, 2025)
It’s incredibly important to me that the anime decided to include this scene that wasn’t in the manga. In the manga, Maomao does pass out in Jinshi’s lap after saving him from what was obviously an assassination attempt.
HOWEVER, the manga cuts off at this point, keeping strictly in Maomao’s perspective, and cuts straight to when she regains consciousness in bed after being treated for her injuries. The manga doesn’t show how she got back. They SAY how, and she briefly mentions, “wow that must have been embarrassing; he carried me back,” but we don’t SEE it. We don’t get to feel the true impact of what that means. But the anime DID show us, and holy shit.
They SHOW us how taboo this is. They show Jinshi carrying her out of the temple, after a public attempt on his life.
They show us the shock and horror on Lakan’s face as Jinshi silently walks past him. Horror at the state his daughter is in, horror at another man—a man with a status he could never dare to question—staking such a public claim over his child, horror at the fact that he could never have this level of closeness with her (as Maomao would never allow it).
Everyone hides their gazes, as is their custom when someone of his rank passes by, but the air is different this time. Jinshi is furious, he’s terrified, and he could not give a single shit about how inappropriate it looks to these palace officials.
The shot that slowly follows her trail of blood—even though it’s a small detail—that in particular leaves such a intense impression of how poignant this is for him.
Maomao talked about this scene in the manga like it was nothing to her. She did what she set out to do: she saved the person who was targeted by the attack. She didn’t even know the target would be someone she knew. But she has no idea that this happened afterwards as a result of her bravery. To her, it likely wasn’t even an act of bravery at all. She acted on impulse; she did what she knew was the right thing to do.
The anime didn’t need to include this, because the manga didn’t show it. But damn, I’m so glad they did.
I think it’s easy to forget how Ah-Duo and the Emperor’s relationship haunts the romantic narrative between Maomao and Jinshi.
It’s not addressed often, but based on what little we’re told, it’s very likely that Ah-Duo was (and still is) the love of his life.
She was the Emperor’s childhood sweetheart. She was his only consort for over a decade. Ignoring how rare that is—how it would have been encouraged for a prince to take more than one concubine—he refused to take on any other consorts for the first ten years after Jinshi's birth. He only accepted other concubines after the former emperor passed away, and he ascended the throne.
For as the current emperor, he could no longer avoid the obligation of taking other consorts, producing heirs—especially since he knew Ah-Duo could no longer bear him children.
Despite losing her womb, the child Ah-Duo gave him is the only one that has survived into adulthood. A child he dotes on, loves dearly, and who he deeply wants to be his heir, despite Jinshi's clear objections. And it makes sense why he'd want Jinshi to succeed him. He's the only child he bore with the woman he loves most, who bears such an uncanny resemblance to her, who shares her intelligence, charm, and cleverness.
He loved her so much that he kept her—a woman who could never get pregnant again—in the rear palace for over eighteen years. It hurt their relationship to have her caged there. The one solace they had was being able to be near Jinshi as he grew up.
And by the time the Emperor gives in to the political pressure to replace Ah-Duo with a younger (fertile) consort, he does something that we haven't seen any other emperor do so far: he allowed Ah-Duo to leave the rear palace. Not only that, he gave her the Southern Imperial Villa: an entire compound (comparable to a small palace itself) to call her own in the royal capital, where she can live her life comfortably and privately. It isn't true freedom—not really—since she doesn't have jurisdiction to travel the world as she's always wanted, but it's a hell of a lot more freedom than any other consort has ever received up to that point.
And he leaves the palace often to visit her there. This is extremely uncommon; in theory, an emperor should have no further reason to interact with a former consort if the woman cannot serve the baby-making purpose she was chosen for. He gave her a residence in the royal capital because wants to keep her close. He wants continued access to her, even after she's comfortably installed in her new life outside the palace.
Jinshi knows all of this, and is painfully aware of how easily history could repeat itself with him and Maomao. Jinshi knows how trapped and stifled Ah-Duo felt in the rear palace, knows it strained her relationship with the Emperor, knows that it ultimately pushed her away from him, emotionally. It did not affect the Emperor's love for her, but it did affect Ah-Duo's love for him.
Jinshi watched his own parents' romantic relationship fall apart due to the absolute power that came with his position. He wasn't able to avoid claiming his title as the Moon Prince; he'll do anything he can to avoid making Maomao feel the same way Ah-Duo felt.
Why Rumi and Jinu's patterns flashing pastel orange when they are feeling something for each other in my Kpop Demon Hunters fic: tax evasion?
So I had to pick a colour to symbolise when Rumi and Jinu are super into each other in Tax Evasion.
Kpop demon hunters has such amazing colour symbolism happening. The cyan/magenta/yellow thing they have going on is amazing! This movie is a masterpiece.
Some of the other colours I would have picked already have a prominent association in the film, eg pink for demons, so I needed something different.
So if you are a reader and you are curious, I picked orange for a few reasons.
Orange Is Attention-Getting
One study found that orange is considered a playful but friendly color. Jinu in my fic really brings out Rumi's playful side. Poor Rumi doesn't get to engage in her playful side very much, but Jinu brought it out in the movie (we see you miss jumpscare), so I wanted to extend that idea.
Research showed that longer-wavelength colors, such as orange, tend to induce higher levels of arousal. So orange is also a horny colour (get it, girl).
Orange Is Happy
People also commonly describe the color orange as bright, happy, and joyful. Orange is the color of bright sunsets and citrus fruit. In a lot of colour symbolism (not the children's hospital kind) orange is to symbolise happiness and energy. And while things are awkward these two are both incredibly happy around each other.
Orange Is Spiritual
The color orange is often associated with spiritual practices, including meditation and compassion.
In Southeast Asia, Buddhist monks wear orange robes that symbolize simplicity and letting go of materialism.
I just feel like there is also a spiritual/soulful connection between these two. I feel like The Honmoon reacting to Jinu the same way it reacted to Rumi when they were harmonising means something.
What does it mean!?!?!?
I have no idea but I feel like it will be something soulful
if theres a pompous/pretentious character who never gets thrown around like a gross rag, or they never have some ego breaking event happen to them then whats the fucking point
Morel and Knov, just like Knuckle and Shoot, are an older version of Gon and Killua. In other words, they are partners who efficiently complement each other and they have similar traits to respectively Gon (Morel) and Killua (Knov).
It is interesting to compare these three generations of partners. As a matter of fact both Knuckle and Shoot overcome their flaws/make progress, while, in Gon and Killua’s case, Killua grows, but Gon almost dies because of his unsolved issues. Finally, Knov is not able to face his flaw and leaves Morel to struggle alone:
It is as if the three couples of hunters offer different outcomes to the same kind of dynamic. In the meta about Knuckle and Shoot, I have written about the younger generations:
Shoot is meant to stay level-headed and to stop Knuckle from doing stupid things. This is how their partnership works, but here he completely gives up the role he is supposed to have and is simply honest with his friend. He feels humiliated by the fact that his opponent has not shown any respect for him and he wants Knuckle to avenge him because of this. It is not logical and it is surely not what Knuckle should do, but it is still what Shoot feels and this is why it is important for him to convey it and to make it known.
Shoot’s choice is the opposite of Killua. As a matter of fact Killua too has a moment where he has to choose if to be honest with a friend or to repress his feelings for the sake of the mission and he chooses to keep silent and not to convey how he feels to Gon. This ends up taking a toll on Killua and on his dynamic with Gon. He acts the best he can and avoids the mission to be compromised, but he also loses a chance to communicate with his friend and this leads to the both of them suffering later on.
Shoot’s choice to share his emotions with Knuckle might have been irrational and might have led Knuckle to put himself in danger, but is also something which strengthens the bonds between the two.
In this meta, the focus will be on the older one, so Knov, Morel and their bond will be analyzed.
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Chapters: 2/20
Fandom: KPop Demon Hunters (2025)
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Mira & Rumi & Zoey (KPop Demon Hunters), Jinu/Rumi (KPop Demon Hunters)
Characters: Rumi (KPop Demon Hunters), Mira (KPop Demon Hunters), Zoey (KPop Demon Hunters), Jinu (KPop Demon Hunters)
Additional Tags: The girls all love each other, But they have stuff to work through, And Rumi’s demon powers to figure out, Zoey pov, Zoey’s vision board, Trust Issues, communication skills, accidentally making demon ex boyfriends pop out of a sword but not in a sexy way, friendship focus, Zoey fixates on Finacial crimes, and misdemeanors
Summary:
“What I don’t get is where is all the money from their merchandise going?” Rumi asked. “I mean they’re demons. What do they need money for?”
“You think the demon boy-band has been sent by Gwi-ma to commit the grand crime of tax evasion?” Mira asked.
“I mean, I wouldn’t put it past them. Tax evasion is a demonic thing to do,” Zoey reasoned.
A tale in which Rumi accidentally makes her evil, scheming, no-good, demon boyfriend pop out of her sword (not in a sexy way), and now the girls have to deal with his shenanagins, finding out the truth about demons, repairing their friendship, re-building trust and potential tax evasion. A Zoey POV story.
not all ships are For wanting them to be in a happy healthy relationship together. sometimes shipping two characters means you want them to be erotically obsessed with each other and become entwined in a mutually toxic love affair for a few months and then horrifically break each other's hearts and never speak again. sometimes you want them to be codependent best friends with enough repression to explode a submarine who only make out/have sex when they're at their worst. sometimes you want them to pine after each other for years, never say anything, and then die. sometimes you want them to kill each other. this, too, is shipping
Okay, this might sound crazy, but listen, I’ve been doing some serious thinking and I believe Beans is actually a chimera ant. You might say this is a reach, but I’ve done some digging and I’ve managed to put it all together in a way that I hope will piece everything together.
First, we need to really just, take a good look at Beans himself.
Do u ever think about gons fishing rod and killuas skateboard being opposite/fuel to each other while representing smth bout their holder:
Do u ever think about how killuas skate gets him to go faster while gons fishing rod needs him to be patient
Do u ever think about gon owning a fishing rod is him wanting to be seen mature in an island full of fishermen adults who sees him as a kid
Do u think about killua owning a skate in a household that needs him to be mature while he want to be seen as a kid
Do u think bout . At the end of the day, how the village people trusts gon to be mature for his age while the Zaoldyck see killua as a kid who cant chose for himself his own life choices
Do u ever think about how killua stops using his skate when he first meets gon to equal his pace, do u think about gon making killua wait for him to pick leorio's bag
Do u eve think about how killua stopped having the skate around after he went home and came back 10/10 willing to equal gons pace unlike the rest of the hunter exam
Do u ever think about gon losing/dropping his fishing rod whenever he wanted things to go faster (ex: hanzo's fight, first fight with gido, canary beating him up)
And getting it back again when he was willing to be patient (ex: most of the hunter exam, 2nd fight with gido)
Do u think about him losing it entirely in Greed Island, the VERY arc he starts to be very CLEARLY less patient
The same place his dad was preparing him of the world
Do u think about how in CAA gon starts going faster than killuas pace
In the palace invasion when he runs further than him cus he was unwilling to stop at all
Do u ever think about Killua being the one to stop him and return him to his senses
Do u think about how in the last scene of the first chapter they met killua wants gon to teach him how to use a fishing rod while gon asks him to teach him about his skate
Do u ever think about neither of em getting their item back cus they grew out of it, a part that would never completely restored, aka change
Okay going to try and make this coherent because the amount of wish association all through Killua's character development makes me want to chew plaster.
As a fair warning, this analysis ended up being long as hell, and I didn't even include everything I could've said. This is also just one lens to analyze Killua's story arc with, and I feel there are other valid interpretations of some of these moments. This is just one of mine, so keep that in mind please.
One last warning that this analysis does discuss emotional manipulation and abuse, as is par for Killua's background.
Let's set the stage with one important piece of info: Killua's birthday.
Killua's birthday is July 7th, the same day as Tanabata. Tanabata is a folklore-rich festival where according to legend, the two lovers, weaver Orihime and cowherd Hikoboshi, represented by the two stars, Vega and Altair, are allowed to reunite once a year after separation. A popular custom of Tanabata is to make wishes by writing them down on tanzaku, then hang it on a bamboo tree so that the wish might one day come true.
Tanabata is also known as the Star Festival. Please keep this in mind, because I'm going to come back to it.
To finish setting up the lens for this analysis, I'm going to need to dig into the game-changer scene for Killua's early characterization - his confrontation with Illumi at the end of the Hunter Exam, and specifically, the exact nature of Illumi's manipulation of him.
I say "game-changer" because it really is - up until this point, it's kind of fair to not fully know what to think about Killua. Certainly, he seems excited to hang out with Gon (he approached him first, after all) and he's friendly enough, but he's also arrogant and claims to be motivated mainly by boredom. For all intents and purposes, Killua seems set up to be Gon's dangerous yet charismatic rival... but then this scene happens and it completely turns it all on its head.
Because Killua may have mentioned his family was controlling before, but he seriously downplayed the severity of it - likely because he has no point of reference for how awful his situation actually is other than it makes him feel bad and trapped. Illumi's appearance immediately shifts our understanding of Killua from runaway murder kid with annoying murder family to straight-up victim of emotional abuse, and dissolves his cockiness instantly to terror.
What does all this have to do with wishes? Glad you asked. Let's look at some of Illumi's dialogue.
[ID: A screenshot from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. Killua looks up, sweating and conflicted, as Illumi tells him "You don't want anything or wish for anything." End ID.]
This is the crux of Illumi's (and the family's) control. Killua's desires do not align with the family trade. They must be excised from him.
When Killua insists that he does have something that he really wants, Illumi says "Tell me what it is you want", in a mockery of a certain other sibling who would have helped fulfill this wish - Illumi asks only so he can completely dismantle it. And Killua isn't even really surprised at Illumi's words, just heartbroken. You can tell this isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened.
Killua states his wish quite fervently; he really means it. But his words are not rebellious, nor cathartic. Instead, he answers Illumi quietly, as if fearful or ashamed, almost reminiscent of a sinner's confession.
[ID: Two screenshots from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. In the first Killua looks down with a troubled expression, saying "I want to become friends with Gon...". In the second, his face is hidden as he stands with hands clenched at his sides with a spotlight on him. He says "I'm sick of killing people..." End ID.]
It's such an innocent, simple want.
And Illumi proceeds to make him feel like even something so simple is harmful and selfish of him... not to the family, but to Gon.
In a matter of a few minutes, Illumi breaks down Killua's wish by:
Acknowledging this desire, but twisting it into something that will inevitably fade over time, thereby causing Killua to doubt his own conviction and feelings -> "Gon is a novelty, a radiant presence who has piqued your curiosity. No more than that."
Acknowledging that Gon is someone important to Killua, and undermining this by telling him that by his very nature, he will eventually bring harm to Gon, which makes him feel as though Killua cannot trust himself to be a good friend -> "If you try to be friends with him, you will one day want to kill him... because you are, by nature, a murderer." (As a... delightful... bonus, this is also apparently how Silva and Illumi justify their treatment of Killua to him - "This is the essence of your existence and we taught you accordingly." Like they adapted to Killua's nature, instead of them molding Killua into who they wanted him to be.)
Delivering an ultimatum - to fight Illumi and win, or else Gon will die - that Killua is doomed to fail due to his upbringing and the needle in his head. Since Killua doesn't know about the needle, he assumes this is his own personal failure, something Illumi feeds into -> "You're just not qualified to make friends."
And it's the last point that breaks him. The first two shoot down Killua's present wish, but the last proceeds to shatter any hope he might've had of wishing for anything similar in the future - he has told him that his desires are weak, temporary, inherently dangerous to those around him, and worst of all, aren't enough on their own for him to deserve friendship and love from others. And the clincher: Killua feels like all of this is his own fault, that there is something inherently dangerous and wrong with him!
So, it doesn't even matter to Killua anymore if he fails the Hunter Exam. To him, he just failed the only test that mattered.
10/10 manipulation, Illumi. Fuck you, seriously.
Killua's character arc is mainly his quest and struggle to refute Illumi's arguments and to shake off the manipulation and the ways in which his family have molded and controlled him. And by far, the most difficult part of his conditioning to shake off is this idea that he is undeserving of anything more than what he is already given.
It's almost like the family has drilled it into him that wishes are dangerous. How interesting.
Thankfully, however, there are two parties to Killua's wish here - Gon, too, is a part of it, and it is not simply his reciprocated desire to be Killua's friend that saves him, but also his recognition of Killua's situation for what it is (notably, when no one else correctly identified the true issue).
"You know it wasn't his choice. You manipulated him, kidnapping his spirit!"
The ensuing Zoldyck family arc emphasizes that Gon is 100% correct: the main hold Killua's family has on him isn't physical - it's all emotional.
Killua breaks one of his shackles when Milluki threatens to have his new friends killed, but he only breaks the rest when Zeno tells him he's free to go. So, if Killua could break loose at any point, was this still a rescue like Gon said?
Well, yes - just because he absolutely could've broken out physically at any time, that does not mean he could just leave. That's the nature of situations such as this - it's not as simple as "just leaving". Support is necessary, as is actually having something tangible outside the situation to go to - otherwise there is little point to leaving at all. Gon (and Kurapika and Leorio) showing up to free Killua showed him that his wish was reciprocated and allowed him to break one cuff - this is the start of his journey, but he still has a long ways to go. Notably, he again hesitates and closes off when Silva asks what he wants.
[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 42. In the first, Silva asks Killua "...would you like to see [Gon]?" Killua's expression is complicated in the next panel - he's closed off and uncertain. Silva continues "Be honest, Kil... what do you want?" End ID.]
Killua will backtalk and casually break his shackles and death glare his family... but he's too fearful to voice his wants aloud.
And once again, asked by his father what he wants, he is subtly set up to fail. His wish is granted, but made conditional - "Do not betray your friends", something Killua is regrettably set up to do by virtue of the needle in his head that he, again, doesn't know about. Silva fully expects him to fail and come back home, disillusioned, believing it's his own fault due to his "nature", and trusting in Silva still as a "reasonable" figure in his life.
This condition placed on his friendship is what drives much of Killua's fear and insecurity with regards to Gon for much of the series - the idea that Killua has to earn his right to friendship, and that if he doesn't, he will lose it, one way or another.
It really makes me wish that Killua had actually gotten to hear Gon's views on friendship from the beginning of the Zoldyck Family arc, because it entirely refutes this entire philosophy. He even outright refuses to go through the Testing Gates at first, purely because he thinks the sentiment of needing to prove yourself just to be friends is completely outrageous - he only relents because there is no other way.
[ID: Two screenshots from episodes 21 and 22 of the 2011 HxH anime adaptation. Gon looks up at Illumi and firmly states "[Killua] doesn't need to earn the right to be my friend!" In the second, Gon's face is seen in profile and close up as he asks "Why would you test your friends?" End ID.]
I doubt it would've truly prevented Killua's insecurity from manifesting even if he had heard this, to be honest - his issues with usefulness are very deep-rooted in his upbringing - but still, it would've been nice for him to hear, I think.
However, that's not to say that this exact sentiment doesn't come through in their interactions.
Gon, as Killua's friend, cares about what Killua actually wants and wants to make sure Killua knows that - and that's part of what makes the Whale Island conversation between them really important.
[ID: Two images, both of the same scene from HxH chapter 64, and episode 37 of the 2011 anime. In the manga panel, Gon has turned his head to look at Killua directly, who looks shocked and taken aback, to say "I like hanging out with you." In the anime screenshot, Gon has turned his whole body to face Killua, and says "I think it's fun to be with you." End ID.]
I see a lot of people chalk this up to just Gon being Gon, but it reads to me as much more deliberate than even his usual honesty. He's turned so he's looking directly at Killua, which is a sure way to make his words come across clearly. The lead up to this is Killua, again, not knowing or being able to vocalize what he wants. He doesn't have a goal to work towards like Gon, he only knows what he doesn't want - he's a mix of envious and admiring towards Gon, who knows what he wants and simply goes for it.
But this conversation makes it clear that they have a shared wish - they both want to be friends, and they'd both like to stay together. It's not about earning, to Gon, it's only about if they both want the same thing - mutual, not conditional. There's a nice almost call-and-response type dialogue here, where Gon asserts that he likes spending time with Killua (very directly lol), then shares that Killua is the first friend his age he's had. This prompts Killua to say that Gon is his first friend ever, and that he does have fun with him. And just like that, Gon replies "Then let's stay together!" and pointedly includes Killua's desire to find a goal in their, now shared, upcoming journey.
Overhead, a shooting star appears in the sky. A mutual wish is granted.
[ID: A panel from HxH chapter 64. The night sky is full of stars. In the centre is a shooting star. End ID.]
Hm. Stars. Remember how I told you to keep that in mind, all the way back at the beginning? Their association with Tanabata, making a wish on a shooting star, etc. etc.?
Well, buckle up because this star is going to make you experience so much sadness now.
[ID: Panels from HxH chapter 286. The first is a conversation between Killua and Meleoron where Killua asserts he intends to "go down in flames with [Gon]". When Meleoron looks concerned, Killua brushes off the declaration as a joke. In the second image, Killua is turned away, his outline pale, as Meleoron thinks "Why... did you looks so sad... back there?" The last image is a cloudy night sky filled with stars. At the centre of the panel is a shooting star. End ID.]
Yeah, it makes its reappearance directly after Killua has "jokingly" resolved to die with Gon if it comes down to it, after "since it means nothing to you".
I am assured, in Japanese, the word choice here is 心中 (shinjuu), the word for double suicide, where the intent is to die at the same time in the same manner in order to be reunited in the afterlife. The implication here is that Killua, having increasingly grown insecure in his place by Gon's side but unable to voice this, knowing that Gon is hurtling down the path of no return, thinks back to their conversation under the stars where they both mutually wished to stay together and, because he believes that it is no longer possible for him to help Gon, has resolved to stay by his side in death, and after it.
...holy shit, kid.
[ID: Two screenshots from the 4th ending of the 2011 anime. In the first, Gon and Killua stand back to back as meteors fall around them. In the second, they stand facing away from the audience towards a body of water under a night sky filled with stars - Gon throws a stone, which flashes in the air like a shooting star. End ID.]
And of course, here's the shooting star again in the 2011 anime's Nagareboshi Kirari ending, as well as it being the subject of the song itself and rather explicitly referencing that wish to go on a journey together, to stay together, because... Madhouse hates us. I guess. :'(
What started off as a simple wish for a friend deepened into a wish to always stay by Gon's side. This is largely good at first! Killua is able to explore and experience genuine friendship, to get a taste for freedom, and use the power of his fervent wish to protect his dear friend in order to rid himself of Illumi's needle. However, the more Killua wants, the more he traps these wishes in monologues within his own head and does not voice them aloud. Part of it is that he already feels he's been given much more than he deserves - seeing himself as a creature of darkness and Gon as light - but a greater part of the issue here is not that Killua is afraid to wish for things, but that he is afraid wishing without "compensation" will inevitably lead to horrible repercussions - namely, losing who he loves.
In order to feel worthy of staying with Gon, of earning his friendship, Killua works hard to help Gon achieve his goals, taking on the role of wish grantor, growing to do practically anything needed to support him for seemingly nothing in return - but that's not 100% true. Killua wants at least some appreciation, whether he admits it or not - it's a security thing, and it also clearly makes him happy, even if he's not great at accepting it. He insists in Chimera Ant arc that friends don't need to thank friends, but this declaration always read as very sudden to me or like a rationalization, and it's relevant to remember that this is at the peak of Gon isolating himself and self-destructing before his eyes, and Killua's own insecurity regarding his importance to him.
Killua might not mind doing things without thanks, but that doesn't mean he doesn't like to hear that Gon appreciates him. He clearly does appreciate verbal confirmation of their bond! We know this.
[ID: Two screenshots from the 2011 anime. The first is from episode 61. Killua smiles down at the ground with his hands in his pockets, the colours having gone soft and bright. The second is from episode 70 during the dodgeball match. Gon smiles determinedly in the foreground as Killua looks shocked next to him. End ID.]
Keeping all this in mind, Killua's story, or at least this part of it, couldn't have concluded in a better way than his rescue of Alluka, the wish grantor.
Now, I could probably write an entire other analysis on Alluka and Nanika alone, but for the sake of not making this any longer than I already have, I'm going to go through only a few points. Alluka is incomprehensible to her family because they make no attempt to understand her, with the exception of Killua. The only thing they do seem to understand, when explained to them, is the demands made after Nanika grants a wish - this, of course, fits neatly into their own predetermined views on "earning" and "punishment". However, beyond this, they make no attempt to understand her, and since her power is deemed dangerous and uncontrollable, she is locked away.
They are worried, first and foremost, that Alluka will bring harm to the family, and there's two ways in which this could be true:
As a function of failing to fulfill her requests, of course
Because she, just by existing, threatens the family's status quo
I stated at the beginning that Killua's desires do not align with those of the family business, and he's always apparently been more open to understanding others - he asks Alluka and Nanika questions to understand them, and treats them with respect, while his family are more so focused on subjugating anything that might be a threat. This is what Illumi tried to drill into Killua after all; never fight a superior opponent - everything is about assessments of relative strength, which leaves no room for open-mindedness or getting to know people.
Faced with a daughter who is clearly incomprehensibly powerful, and a son, the would-be inheritor of the family trade, who is showing a disturbing amount of willingness to befriend instead of retreat from her, the family made the decision to excise Alluka not just from where she could "harm" the family power-wise, but also likely to secure their control over Killua, who they then set about practically programming to not have any more wishes for himself, or at least to not be able to vocalize them without fear of loss or retribution.
The family's nickname for Killua is "Kil" or "Killu", which is deeply fascinating to me as a reader - nicknames are expressions of endearment, typically, and I actually don't doubt that here. Killua's family does love him, but their love comes with conditions. He must be molded into the perfect son, and every part of him that doesn't fit must be excised.
So: Killua's memories of Alluka are suppressed with the needle, and she is further cut from his life by dropping the "a" from his name (the Zoldyck children are named like a game of shiratori - Illumi -> Milluki -> Killua -> Alluka -> Kalluto). The nickname is also like a command or order "to kill", which is of course what they want him to do.
Saving Gon through saving Alluka and Nanika forces Killua to have to face down the last and hardest of Illumi's manipulations to shake, and that's the notion that a wish, that kindness and friendship and love, cannot be unconditional without severe repercussions - where the people he cares about get hurt because of him, something he cannot envision being forgiven for.
It's a little sad to me that after spending most of the series struggling against his family's teachings that they didn't lead to Killua betraying Gon at all, as he'd feared... but to him betraying Nanika, by sending her away.
Here is this little girl with a bloodstained past, incredibly powerful and dangerous and capable of amazing feats, treated as some evil thing by those who fear her. But she is kind at heart. Her true strength lies in healing, not killing. And she only takes commands from Killua.
Illumi thinks this is because Killua is the only one with control over her. Killua believes this is because she wants praise. They're both partially correct, but this is not the full reason Nanika does what Killua asks of her.
[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146 of the 2011 anime. In the first, Nanika smiles and says "I love Killua." In the second, Killua looks at her, stricken. End ID.]
Nanika loves him. Everyone has been trying to figure out all these complicated rules and conditions on her wish granting and why Killua is the one exception, but the answer is exceedingly simple. She loves him, and wants to do nice things for him so he can have his wishes granted. It's the only way she knows to get the love that she wants in turn.
Just like her brother, Nanika makes herself useful to earn love and appreciation from someone who accepted her when no one else did.
Even though he knows Nanika just wants to help, he still sees her presence as a danger to the person he sees as pure and innocent who must be protected. He sends her away because her "nature" is to be a threat to Alluka's safety, even if she doesn't intend to be. Killua's fear of Illumi and repercussions causes him to make a horrible mistake.
And Alluka tears into him for it.
[ID: A set of panels from HxH chapter 336. A furious Alluka glares and asks Killua if he made Nanika cry. When Killua stutters, she demands he apologize to her. End ID.]
You tell him, girl.
Oh hey, this looks a little familiar, huh?
"Apologize to Killua!" says Gon to Illumi after Illumi sends Killua away.
Nanika should not be the one punished for the actions of those trying to control her. She certainly shouldn't be forced to leave those she loves, or have to earn love from them.
And neither should Killua.
[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 336. Alluka yells, tears in her eyes, "If you're going to protect me... you have to protect Nanika too!!" Killua looks shocked, then his eyes widen. End ID.]
It's interesting to me that this is the line that snaps Killua out of his fear enough for him to properly speak with Nanika and apologize. One party cannot receive all the protection, nor can the other only give and give limitlessly.
Killua makes it clear to Nanika when speaking with her that he will protect her, and that she doesn't need to earn affection from people by granting their wishes. He promises they will both be there for each other - Killua will praise her whenever she wants, and not just when she does something for him, but he also doesn't refuse Nanika's desire to grant his wishes. It's mutual, not conditional.
And on the heels of this "betrayal", Killua asks for what he never thought he could receive - forgiveness. And even though Nanika is clearly still very upset...
[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146. In the first, Nanika and Killua face each other, both of them teary. Nanika says "Kay." In the second, he has pulled her into a hug. Nanika is teary, her fingers gripping Killua's back tightly. End ID.]
...she doesn't even have to think about it.
I do think Killua still has a ways to go, but he is in a position right now to learn from his relationship with his sisters about balance - that love is not just selfless devotion, but also allowing those who love you to help you and make you happy too. I think that's what unconditional love is, in a way - supporting and working together with the people you love to make each other's wishes come true.
I rewatched the chimera ant arc, and I realized something I'm not sure I've heard many people talk about. There are obvious parallels between meruem/komugi (or pitou) and gon/killua, but I actually think each royal guard parallels a different side of killua and his devotion to gon. These are just some instances I thought of off the top of my head, so if anyone has additional thoughts please feel free to add!
Pitou
I'm sure I'm not going to say much that hasn't been said already regarding killua/pitou, but I still want to include him. Pitou wants to protect komugi because she is someone who is important to the king, who is important to pitou. Killua is helping gon get kite back because kite is important to gon, who is important to killua. So when gon tells killua it must be easy for him because it doesn't mean anything to him, killua is so upset because it DOES mean a LOT to him, because gon means a lot to him. I think pitou's protective nature is supposed to reflect killua's.
Pouf
I've never seen killua and pouf compared together before, but when I rewatched the caa, I thought it was very in-your-face.
Pouf is extremely jealous of komugi, admitting to himself that he doesn't want meruem to be with "that woman". He tries to kill/hide her from meruem because he knows that if he sees her, he'll remember that she is the most important person to him.
I think this is supposed to show the internal extent of killua's jealousy of palm. He stalks gon and palm on their date, he actively does not like her... but he also tried to keep palm away from gon while he was waiting for pitou to finish healing komugi, because he thought gon seeing palm would be his final straw and breaking point, because he believed palm to be more important to gon than himself.
Pouf also believed he failed as a royal guard because he couldn't protect meruem when it mattered most, which is very similar to killua, who believes he isn't "qualified" to be gon's friend, especially when he continues to run away instead of protecting him.
I think pouf represents killua's dramatic, jealous low self-esteem side. Any time pouf is having one of his very dramatic flamboyant monologues, it really just sounds like explicit reasoning behind many of killua's actions in the caa that may not be shared directly to the audience, but is through pouf.
Youpi
Now this one was a bit harder to see, but it was often stated that youpi was more "beast" compared to the other guards, and he operated more on animal instinct. This is similar to how killua goes into his assassin auto-pilot mindset. Youpi can also morph into different bodies to make it easier to kill, like how killua can morph his hand to be sharper to kill. (I admit this might be a reach but it's still interesting!) They are also both transmuters i believe. If you have more to add on this please do! I do think youpi is supposed to show killua's instinctual side.
Conclusion:
I think all 3 royal guards represent different aspects of killua's nature and how they relate to his devotion to gon. Each guard member wants to protect meruem (the light that illuminates all), and killua goes the entire arc obsessing over how he can protect gon, who he deems to be shrouded in such bright light he has to look away. He doesn't feel like he's worthy to be by gon's side (similar to the royal guards) but he wants to put everything he can into protecting him, even if it means hurting/sacrificing himself in some way (also like the royal guards... pouf and youpi giving meruem their life energy.. pitou sacrificing himself so gon couldn't use nen again... etc). The royal guards are also inherently skilled beings who were born for a purpose, like killua.
This is just a more organized version of my thoughts, so it might not be the most coherent, and I'm sure I'll have more to add later!
I'd add that Youpi was drawing attention away from the King. (That is what Killua did when he and Gon had arrived in the forest.)
Youpi fought with Knuckle and ended up not killing him out of respect--Killua fought with Ikalgo and ended up not killing him for similar reasons. (Shoot made it out, but barely, and the dart siblings died. The team-ups weren't enough to beat Youpi and Killua respectively.)
In another life, Youpi and Knuckle would have become friends like Ikalgo and Killua did, is what I'm saying, but tragedy struck more for the royal guard. I'd also say that both are surprisingly level-headed when they get in their killer mode that others read as a fit of rage!
(And when Gon talked to Meleoron in the forest, he pointed out that if Gon put his foot down, Killua would go along with his plan. That's so much like the King putting his foot down and the Royal Guards swallowing their objections and going along with what he thinks is best. Killua as a narrative mirror to the royal guards works so well!)
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