pouring 5% of my feelings out in here since 2014

[moonlightsilver]

These days I’ve been spiraling into anxious states. I am trying to reduce the peaks of my anxiety by putting myself more in social places. And trying to eradicate the weaknesses I think I have

[moonlightsilver]

what is it that sets me apart from everybody else? what is it? 

[moonlightsilver]

am i good for anything?

[moonlightsilver]

I am gonna go and do a pray. Oh Allah Taála forgive me

[moonlightsilver]

I am overwhelmed, and I know exactly why I am. I was about to say I don’t know but that has to change. I am tired of giving answers in idk. I need to change my approach because often time i do know the answer but I don’t know just feels like a safer answer to give, a less tentative in terms of thinking. 

The reason of me being overwhelmed is that i am not happy with myself, I am degenerating in terms of personal progress, in terms of personal growth. With the passage of time i am not getting better in anyting instead i’m stagnant, in this plac e where i have been for so many years. i hate myself I hate myself. there are people who wants to know me, wants to be friends with me, wants to talk to me, but here I am a 5 grader stuck in a 23 year old body. My mind freezes in situations is what my problem is, or it goes into a hurricane mode, where my thoughts are jumping inside, are in constant static motion. I hate myself, I am not an effecient person. wny am i not an effecient person. Why do i not meet the deadlines. I hate myself because I am not a good communicator, I am not very good in expressing my thoughts and emotions. why is that so? I need Allah. There is chaos, a panic building up inside of me, and it’s overwhleming me, why am i not progressing? why am i not growing in terms of personal skills? kuddos to people who do, I just want to be better too. 

[moonlightsilver]

i don’t want tot be superstitious

[moonlightsilver]

Since my degree is design and communication I have to get better thorugh vigourous practice in drawing, sketching, creativity, ideas, vocabulary, story telling, expression, cameras. Basically anthing that involeves ART and Communication. And so this is it the start of my journey, the road is long but i am going to make it. And i am going to come out as a polished worth-full being.

[moonlightsilver]

Today is the start of a new beginning as much as i had to convince myself to not right ‘maybe’ at the beginning of the sentence, i am adamant to call quits to all of my old toxic habits and relationships! Its done all done! i am done with it all! and now my only and only companion is my Allah swt. Who have been my truest companion since day one, but it was me who got lost in the way and sabotaged my connection with Allah. Today, I need no one but Allah alone. , and i crave Him, and long to get closer to my God, to the almighty, to the one and only. Please ya Allah, please forgive me, and help me move forward. Protect me like you always have, and give me grace and beauty and respect and compassion and kindness and gratefulness and gratidude <3 Ameen. I love You the most.

[moonlightsilver]

Guess i am going to use this blog to post my feelings and what ever  is on mind.

4th may 2020 

[islamic-art-and-quotes]

A woman and a man are both beings who are on a quest… for the same truth and the same peace.

Tariq Ramadan (via islamic-art-and-quotes)

[thepowerwithin]

Try to pay special attention to taking care of yourself. If you’re hungry, feed yourself. If you’re tired, take a nap. When you’re ready to take on the world each day, get out there and shine your light! Create positive affirmations for yourself, and say them at the beginning of each and every day; things like;

Today will be an amazing day! Today I am filled with energy and love! Today I will give it my all and go to bed leaving the world a better place!

It’s astounding how things as simple as words can impact our beliefs. Please try to make moment to do this; whether it’s in the shower, on your way to work, or before bed. Even if you don’t believe what you’re saying, you must continue, for sometimes it takes a while to alter one’s attitude and state of mind.

[thepowerwithin]

Not only is your life a gift to you, but it is also a gift in the lives of those around you. You are valued and cherished not only by yourself, but by those that stay close to your heart. Always remember that you are far more important than you may likely realize.

[moonlightsilver]

Btw, one more reason why I'm sitting here is because I needed the vitamin D. I've been sitting in closed rooms that I have started feeling sunlight deficiency...felt iternally weak even though, been eating healthy... so I decided to be outdoors in the college, I feel good

[moonlightsilver]

Nothing to do. Sitting on the college bench. My very good friend is sitting right beside me talking to her very good friend and I'm here typing this, flashing my double, triple chin to everybody as my head is bowed down looking at my phone as I type... GOSHH!! I should have stayed where I was or atleast being in the library would have been betterrrr :((((. My friend not even glancing at me. This time too shall pass and nobody will remember this. Why am I such an outcast. Why? It's funny as I ask myself this. It's just is. Duddeeee gooood friend I'm sitting right beside you and you ignoring the hell of me. Now when I need my earphones the most, I don't have them with mee... wow luck, wow life. Guys playing basketball beside me..I just hope it doesn't hit me. Gooddyyy my class is about to start in 13sih minutes. My back hurts sitting at this still position. No nothing to do still. This tumble account is my saving grace.

[moonlightsilver]

I thought I did so good in this test. But ended up with such a bad result. And now the day that was going so good so far, has been ruined. Whyy. I put in so much effort on this and people who are weaker than me got way higher than me. I'm demotivated....

[moonlightsilver]

I don't want people to like me for my appearance. I mean I do but also fall in love with (who I am).

[moonlightsilver]

Just observing a woman from afar and thinking, 'wow, she's good looking', isn't the deal, rather find her attractive the way the she is, and who she is. Love the way her lashes slightly touch her skin as she blinks. Or the way she's totally involved in her books. Or the slight blush on her cheeks. Her passion and how much efforts she puts in her work/task. Fall in love with the low key and minute things. The other big things (shiny hair, her walk, her clothes) will just be complimentary when you actually fall for the person inside.