More Than My Body Back

My Journey to rediscover the Woman I was before I became the Mommy I am- is moo. Because when a child is born, so is a mother; a new creature who can temporarily live independently of its parts: woman and mother, but whose parts cannot exist independently of the new whole.

[morethanjustmybodyback]

Do they make a ‘Benjamin’ button?

Sometime during this past summer, I realized that ever too quickly, a season in my life was coming to a close- a season I always knew would be short…but some days of it felt so long I was totally stunned to discover, that in the blink of an eye, it was almost over.  

5 years ago in August my life changed forever. And it just did again..I haven’t written a blog post in about 4 years…this is not a coincidence.  Kids start being mobile and I don’t know how other moms out there do it but i wasn’t blogging anything, because then there would be a child banging on my laptop. I also started out my pregnancy both enrolled in my first semester of graduate school and one day into adopting a 75 lb. pitt bull with separation issues (neither of these things were planned to coincide with pregnancy…but something I’ve learned in the past 4 years, once sperm hits egg you can pretty much throw the word ‘plan’ out of your vocabulary totally unless you’re referring to the (inevitable every mommy has it and if you say you don’t you’re a liar) plotting of your fantasy escape.  But I digress.  

I think the shock and realization of this ‘changing of seasons’ was compounded when about 4 days ago I got a phone call telling me that my child had been taken off the wait list for our town’s free PreSchool. This meant that (less than 7 days before the start of school) we were going from our beautiful. cozy, around the corner, we’ve been there for two years nursery school’s ‘4 year old Kindergarten Readiness Program’, to…school.  Big boy school.  I’m not going to lie.  The honest first thought I had when this woman informed me the (truly) amazing news that we had been chosen off the wait listed for this great TUITION FREE program where my child would be able to get the same exact educational goals met without paying tuition commiserate to my car payment was, “NO!!! I’M NOT READY!!!! IT IS TOO FAST!”

And I’m not ready.  And it is too fast.  From before I was even pregnant, our plan was: ‘stay home with the baby until he’s in school”.  I fixed my eyes on the purpose and (refused to) looked anywhere else. But now, he’s going to school.  An elementary school.  With a backpack that is bigger than he is, but he said it looked like space so of course I got him whatever one he wanted since I was suppressing inner mommy sobs after the meet and greet with his teacher at the school with the big kid desks and chairs. 

That time…that ‘stay home with the baby’ time…it’s now closer to the end than even the middle.  In the blink of an eye, the most precious days of my life are in the twilight of their hours, and that ‘baby’ walked away tall and strong long ago.  And I never even noticed.  Maybe I was looking under the couch for a special Lightening McQueen- no the OTHER one exactly like that one!, or maybe I was doing laundry or hiding in the bathroom wishing for a moment of silence but I missed the in between getting ready part where you wear mid level clothes and no jacket and arrived smack dab in the middle of a Queen Elsa caliber winter where a handsome boy stands chatting away, where my baby once cooed and lit up when I entered a room. 

My heart is so full of emotions that burst and overflow at will these last few days…*JOY!!* at having had not only the miraculous blessing of this time in the first place; but *GRATITUDE!* for the even more miraculous gift of “knowing” this time would be finite (and I say “knowing” because NOTHING can truly prepare you for the speed with which the time passes) , and not only are they limited, but there are far less of them in a lifetime than any other kind. *THANKFUL* You showed up. *THANKFUL* You paid attention.  *THANKFUL* You made it fun. *THANKFUL* You treasured it. *THANKFUL* You documented it- in various forms; written, photo, embedded into your heart, your mind, written across your very core, and etched into your soul….and it’s over *ACHE* *PAIN* I can see the end clearly marked. *ACHE* *ACHE* *PAIN* *PAIN* *CURIOSITY*.  I don’t think I have ever experienced anything as truly as bittersweet as the realization that while my time with my baby is forever over *PAIN* *PAIN*, I knew before they ever started that that best days of my life were coming, and that they would be fleeting.  

These aren’t the best days of our children’s lives; they’re the best days of ours.  We get the enormous gift of having them all to ourselves, of watching their lives unfold, experiencing everything with them for the very first time…                 From not being able to put them down, to not being able to catch them, we are, all the while watching.  Watching our child become the purest form of who they essentially are; before the other voices come, the teachers, the peers, anything outside your protective bubble of “Mommy approved” influences comes into play, in the days their teacher spends more hours with them than you do.  We get to see this beautiful creature evolve from the infant who stared so intently into your eyes and you wondered what they were thinking into this little person who walks along life with you all day every day narrating it all from their slightly shorter stature.  We get to notice the tiniest change in ability or skill, yet are still totally shocked and delighted at the big leaps in development.  I think that’s a trend I’ve noticed in my journey so far in this thing called parenting, a lot of times Mommy has so many small details to make sure get taken care of, she misses what is coming up right in front of her.  And from breastfeeding on demand, to purposely inching away from him slowly in the living room but not TOO FAR so he would both be able to form security in his own independent playing and also at the same time still see me and know he was free to explore in safety (Master’s Degree? While raising a baby? No potential for overthinking whatsoever)- every action of my life for the past 4 years geared toward helping my most precious miracle grow into his own little person…kept me distracted of the fact that….he went ahead and did.

So many questions come up for me now, as a woman, a wife, a mother, a possessor of aforementioned title of higher education, but right now, as the last days of this beautiful season called ‘baby’ disappear through my fingers like sand through the hourglass…I’m allowing a momentary inner mommy lament.  While I steal as many snuggles as he will let me and soak up every word and thought and eyelash, inside, the Mommy of my baby is dying.  Tomorrow, the mother of the new kid here will be born.

When we brought home the backpack and put all his school supplies *ACHE* into it, I said, “try it on for Daddy!”, and he said, “No Mommy, it’s too big for me”.  Of course I said, “No baby, it’s perfect”.  But inside, my heart whispered, “it is.  It is too big for both of us”…

[morethanjustmybodyback]

The Happiest Hour

Before I had my son, I went to Happy Hour probably excessively.  My girlfriend and I would average about 3 times a week, and go out on the weekends.  I loved going out, hated staying home.  I 'needed' my social life.  

Of course a baby changes that.  For the first few months you're just trying to keep your head above water and if you're nursing you can't even leave the kid for more than 2 hours (or if you're my son, 45 minutes).  Once you get into the swing of things you don't want to screw up his schedule, and any free moment you have is spent catching up on the shit you didn't get done around the house, or napping.  

Now that my son is 6 months old, he is in a pretty good routine, has a pretty solid bedtime.  My husband has no problem staying with him and encourages me to 'get out'.  Every once in a while I head to Happy Hour again.  The first time I felt like a wild beast let out of a cage, couldn't believe I had been inside for so long without socializing with people, was ecstatic to be 'back'....for about an hour and a half. Then I was ready to go home to my son.

My husband and I went to a wedding, a formal FDNY function, I've gone out with the girls a few more times.  Every time I try to enjoy myself as much as possible but am always thinking of my son.  This is not to say once you have a baby your life is over.  Mommy needs 'me time' VERY MUCH.  But things are going so fast, he is changing so rapidly, every moment is precious.  

I feel so blessed to be able to be a stay at home Mom.  To be able to share every moment, every first.  To see his face light up every time I come into the room.  To watch him learning and growing right before my eyes.  It truly is a miracle that my husband and I have created.   

Becoming a mother has changed me so much.   For me now, the happiest hours are the ones I spend with my family <3

[morethanjustmybodyback]

Never forget

Tomorrow marks the 11th anniversary of the darkest day in our generation.  Being married to a fireman is hard every day.  It is especially hard on the day we remember the fallen, the heros who ran in to save others and never came out.  

I live on Staten Island, an island heavy with firemen.  A place shaken by the events of that terrible day.  Before my husband goes to work I hold his face, I kiss him, I hold him tight, I tell him 'Keep my baby safe'. My husband joined the FDNY after September 11, thankfully I never had to experience that day as a 'firewife', only as a New Yorker.  As a New Yorker that day haunts me like no other.  Being married to a fireman has made it that much worse.

Like all memorable days in history, we all remember where we were when the towers were hit. We all have, and have heard, countless stories of how we should have been there, how we were late, how we narrowly avoided the chaos, the screaming, the dust....

 But not everyone is so lucky.  274 families on this island experienced the heartbreak of watching their loved ones walk out of the house for work, and never return.  Regular people just going about their daily lives.

Honestly, no words can describe September 11.  There exists no phonetic in the English language that can truly capture the raw emotion, the fear, the despair of that wretched day.  

We can only promise to remember.  To remember the smiles, and laughs, and voices of those who were lost.  We can only hold our loved ones a little tighter. We can only not go to bed angry. We can only be proud of our FDNY and NYPD.  And we can only pray....in the end we can only pray.  Dear God, Please...keep my baby safe....

[morethanjustmybodyback]

Being a Mommy means

Never getting to take a nap.  

Never getting to take a minute to collect your thoughts.

It means not being able to sleep when your baby is stirring, and even if Daddy gets up you lay awake to listen to make sure he's doing it right.

No sick days.

No time off. 

No thank yous.

No you're doing a good job. 

No semi annual review to validate your efforts.

It means smiling when inside you're dying, crying only alone in the shower.  Holding it all together for everybody all the time.  Staying put when you want to run away, standing firm when you want to rip your hair out.  Making it all look effortless.  

And getting up in the morning, and doing it all over again.

[morethanjustmybodyback]

Mommy as Incubator?

Life is funny sometimes.  After enduring around 9 months of pregnancy bliss (read sarcasm) , 24 or more hours of labor, you push and push until that baby who you have carried and nurtured and sung to and dreamed of.....looks exactly like his father.  

I read somewhere that there is a weird evolutionary component to this going back to Caveman times where if the father didn't recognize the baby he wouldn't go out and hunt food and therefore humans evolved to look like their fathers immediately after birth.  I don't know how true that is, but I thought I'd put it out there.  (My husband demands to see evidence of the 'Caveman mirror' the dad looked in every morning, to which I said, shut up).

I will admit, when my son was born he was my husband's tiny clone, he shall call him Mini-Me, the whole 9.  But as he grew, his face started changing.  He still resembles my husband but he is also starting to look like me.  Some days he even looks like my sister!  But nobody in my husband's family can see it.   If there is a characteristic on my baby they cannot immediately assign to my husband, they find another obscure relative (Uncle's twice removed!!) to pin it on.  Every time I encounter a relative who hasn't seen the baby in a while the first thing I hear is, 'Oh, he is ALL Matthew'.  

What the hell?! I not only contributed half of the kid's DNA, I did all the work cooking him! It's become a joke at this point between my mother in law and I because I just tell her, well he does look like me.  And we laugh.  

But he does.  Damn it.  

[morethanjustmybodyback]

What do I DO all day?!?! The Battle-cry of the Stay at Home Mom.

The dreaded question that strikes rage into the heart of every Stay at Home Mom.  Whether it's a single friend who doesn't get why you can't get a mani/pedi, or your ungrateful husband complaining about how hard he works, being asked 'What do you do all day?' surely makes every SAHM's blood boil.  

Well, you asked so I will try to answer (without scratching your eyes out).  

It's hard to say when my 'day' begins, so I'll start with bedtime.

6:30/7:00pm baby goes to sleep.

11:30 baby wakes up for bottle.  1:30 baby wakes up for bottle.  3:30 baby wakes up for bottle....and starts to rock n roll! My son refuses to lay in bed with us, when he wakes up he wants to be entertained.  We go downstairs and start our day.  A little playmat time, some exasaucer fun.  Jumpy chair anyone? 6:30 if I'm lucky he will take another bottle.  More playtime.  Around 8am Mommy has something for breakfast, and we have some delicious baby food!  Time for our walk.  After our walk, Mommy showers while baby sits in his chair in the bathroom singing to the ventilation fan.  He tolerates this until it's time for me to get dressed, then he starts yelling.  I rush around trying to pull some clothes on and we go back downstairs.  I look at the clock. OMG it's only 10am.  Another bottle. 

Around this time fussiness sets in and Mr. Crankypants is ready for his first nap (yes, that's right, since waking up at 3:30am).  On a good day, darling baby will fall asleep in about 15 minutes after fighting it with every ounce of strength he has.  I know I have a limited time here, so I start rushing around to finish the laundry, the cleaning, the cooking and whatever else I have to do for the day. I also usually have to run upstairs approximately 4 times to pop the pippy back in his mouth when he starts stirring.  I fix myself some lunch.  Usually the exact moment I put the plate on the table is when my baby decides to wake up. Ok, let's hang out some more.  

This is when we do our errands. I get him cleaned and dressed and pack him into the car.  I complete whatever mundane errands I have to do (post office, bank, grocery store) at record breaking speed because I have given birth to the only child on Earth who HATES the car.  The fewer times we get in and out the better.  All the while I am carrying my 18 pound child in his incredibly heavy infant seat, along with whatever groceries or other parcels I am lugging about.  (My mother recently asked me why my arms were so chiseled, and I laughed at her).

Once we get home it's time for another bottle, and then the real fun begins.  At this point in the day my baby gets very tired, but refuses to nap.  He refuses to do ANYTHING but be held.  And I am not permitted to sit down while doing this holding, so we sway, we pace, we dance.  This witching hour of his goes on for about 3 hours.  (Again, diesel arms).  Finally 5:00 comes, time for dinner.  We have some more delicious baby food.  Time for the bath!!! My baby LOVES bath time.  He happily sings, and kicks and chews his hands until the inevitable end of the bath when he pees in it.

After our bath we get our jammies on, have another bottle play for a bit and then go to bed.  Repeat.

Oh, and around 4:30 I usually get a blinding headache that reminds me to eat something and I pee about twice a day.  I'm covered in spit up, I change diapers ALL DAMN DAY.

Being a Stay at Home Mom is a grueling, tiring, endless job with no breaks, no vacations or time off.  The pay sucks and there is little to no support.  You are the whole team.  You are the teacher, the coach, the cheerleader and the medic.  Nobody asks how you're feeling or even how your day went.  

But the benefits are immeasurable.  I don't get a health plan, but I get my baby's smile.  I get to hear him coo and sing and yell his little head off.  I get to see him rollover for the first time, find his first tooth and watch him taste his first food.  For the million little smiles that we share, the days and nights of tiny moments that nobody will ever get to experience or understand, my time with him is priceless.  

But make no mistake....I'm fucking tired. 

[morethanjustmybodyback]

The view on my morning walks.  Good for the soul.

[morethanjustmybodyback]

Beware the Sanctamommy

From the day I announced my pregnancy I started getting unsolicited advice.  Every woman who I ran across decided I needed her to tell me something.  Women who hadn't had babies in 20 years, women who had never had babies! Most of the time, this advice was meant to be helpful, and came from a kind, loving place.  MOST of the time.

And then there is the Sanctamommy.  They are everywhere, hiding in your next door neighbor or random obscure relative.  You may have known them forever, but until you get pregnant they remain disguised as their alternate persona.  But make no mistake, the minute your pee hits that stick their true colors come out.

There are a few different kids of Sanctamommy I have come across.  There is the Passive Aggressive Nose Turner Sanctamommy.  This SM won't outright scold you for your choices, merely ask in a horrified tone "You let him sleep on his belly??", then turn her nose up, sniff and say 'Well, it's YOUR baby....'  She's a bundle of fun.

Then there's the Super Aggressive Sanctamommy.  These SMs have extreme views about just about everything.  Breastfeeding, belly sleeping, baby wearing, circumcision, vaccination, cloth diapering, no crying.....and make no mistake Sancatamommies fall on both sides of all these issues.  But wherever they fall, they land hard.  There is NO compromise in the land of the Sanctamommy, and if you aren't doing it THIER way, you're doing it the wrong way, and your child will surely suffer irreparable damage from you terrible awful parenting.

Then there's my favorite type of Sanctamommy, I encountered her on my pregnancy message board site.  It's the woman pregnant with her first child who knows EXACTLY the answer to every parenting question and has no doubt that her soon to be baby will be perfect as a result of her perfect parenting.  She is very rigid in her views and will take suggestions from no one, because she's done RESEARCH.  Oh the mighty power of google.  If she googled it, it must be true. Or her grandmother told her, or she read What to Expect When You're Expecting.  Whatever place she has gotten her information from is the ONLY place, and she is unwavering.  She is rude, pushy and judgmental.  But most of all she is confident!  Her baby will NEVER belly sleep, and formula will NEVER pass her child's lips.  To these SMs I say good luck.  

We all have lofty ideas when we are pregnant about the 'right' thing to do for our babies and unfortunately if there's a right thing to do, it leads us to believe there is a wrong thing.  I had hoped my back sleeping baby would breastfeed until he was a year old.  I was never going to plop him in front of the t.v.  He wasn't going to go in the pool or wear sunscreen or start solids until he was at least 6 months old.  Cut to my screaming child starving himself with the way he decided to nurse, who wouldn't sleep for 6 weeks except on my chest.  To make my child happy and comfortable, I supplemented with formula and plopped him on his belly.  He loves carrots and the pool and won't be sunburned on my watch! And my happy little baby sits in his bouncy chair and dances his little heart out watching Yo Gabba Gabba.  THAT'S RIGHT I SAID IT! 

Suck on that Sanctamommies.

[morethanjustmybodyback]

My perfect little man <3

[morethanjustmybodyback]

My birth story.

So as I promised, once labor came everything got better. Here is my birth story.

At 37 weeks 5 days I had my normal OB appointment.  She said the baby looked great and I could go anytime and be totally safe.  I asked her to strip my membranes, which she agreed to do, saying '38 weeks is the perfect time to have a baby, although I've stripped a lot of membranes and it has never worked before....I'll see you next week'  Membrane stripping....well it hurts like a bitch.  But I had been through many painful (no not uncomfortable, PAINFUL) internal exams at L&D during all my preterm labor scares and this was nothing compared to an FFN test.  (Note: an FFN test is a ridiculous barbaric practice that involves forceps and no lubricant is allowed because it messes up the test. It gives NO REAL information and I have no idea why they do it. I had about 7 of them).

Anyway.  I had my membranes stripped and my husband and I left and got some lunch.  I was expecting my water to break any moment.  No such luck.  I went walking, my usual 3 miles.  I did one entire mile 'curb walking' (which is supposed to induce labor).  Came home, showered...nothing.  This was it.  I was done.  This baby was never coming out.  I went to bed very depressed.  

Two more days passed and still nothing.  I had hit my 38th week, the time my doctor said was 'perfect' to have a baby. I broke out the big guns.  That's right, I will admit it.  I drank Castor Oil.  I actually consulted my doctor about it a few weeks prior and her response was 'Go ahead and try it. It will clean you out but it won't work. Pitocin is expensive don't you think we'd use that instead if it did?'. I did try it that week, and it didn't work.  So I figured at 38 weeks if I drank it, at least I wouldn't poop during birth lol.  (Don't get me started on prenatal vitamin induced constipation!!). So I tried it.  I drank it at 4:00, and yessiree it cleaned me out.  But the same thing happened a week prior when I drank it.  I gave up.  I was defeated. I went to bed.

Around midnight I was awakened by a pain....a pain I had never felt before. None of my preterm contractions had been like this.  This. Was. It.  I called my husband upstairs and he started timing them.  He tried to rub my back but I just needed to breathe and focus.  We called my OB and she said go to the hospital since the contractions were 10 minutes apart for an hour.  OMG this was it!!! We got the bag, we got the car....we went!!!! 

We got to the hospital, we checked in. By the time we got there my contractions were 8 minutes apart.  By the time we got hooked up to the monitor they were 3 minutes apart.    I was examined. I was told 'You are only 2 centimeters which means you are not in active labor.  Go home and try to get some rest.  Come back if the contractions get stronger or are 2 minutes apart'. WHAT?!?!?!!? We went home....stunned.

So at 3am when we got home my husband fell asleep.  I kept having contractions.  They got STRONGER.  I got up from the bed and started pacing.  I went into the bathroom and got on the floor.  There was no clock in there so I couldn't time them, but they were coming FAST AND HARD.  I got on my hands and knees and I rocked.  I rocked and I prayed.  "Dear God, please let my water break. If my water breaks they can't send me home. Please let my water break. Please God, break my water".  I also had to pee a lot.  Getting on the toilet hurt so bad I had to close my eyes.  Then I started seeing blood.  I knew it was the bloody show, my Doctor told me I had already lost my plug.  

I wanted to go back to the hospital, I timed the contractions, they were coming every 2 minutes and they were STRONG.  But as a first time mom, I was intimated.  I had been sent home once, I didn't want to be 'that person' and keep going back to the hospital.  So I kept rocking.  Then, around 6:30am my contractions stopped.  I couldn't believe it. I cried.  I went through all of this pain and exhaustion for NOTHING? I just laid there and cried.  Around 8am I crawled back into bed with my snoring husband, I was pretty tired. I tried to get some sleep.

Around 10 am my phone rang, it was my OB.  She said 'Come into the office today let me check you, I don't want you to go the whole weekend without being checked'.  Well!! I popped out of bed and went on a walk! Bounced on a pilates ball for an hour! Tried to convince my husband it was a good idea to have sex.  I was NOT GOING THROUGH THIS AGAIN!!!!!! Well, ok he refused to have sex with me. But I digress.  We went to the doctor.  On the car ride there the contractions started up again. 8 minutes apart by the time we got there.  We walked in and I told her about my bloody show.  She said 'Oh probably from all the internal exams let's have a look'.  I got in the stirrups and said to her in a desperate, pleading voice....'is there anything you can do? Strip my membranes again?' She said 'No...you're at 4cm if I did that your water would break.  You're in labor go to the hospital'. OMFG!!!!!!!!! My husband almost left without me.  I shed some tears of relief and we went on our way.

 Honestly, compared to my pregnancy, (after the 24 hours of laboring alone in my house) my labor was a breeze.  I denied an epidural until I was 5cm and my OB broke my water (once that happened it was a whole new echelon of pain- God knows what he is doing. I thanked him later for NOT breaking my water at home).  I rode the contractions and dealt with labor just fine.  Then it was time to push.

After 3 hours of my lovely epidural I was overcome with the realization that this was gonna fucking hurt.  I looked around, and surrounding me were my husband, my mother, my sister, my OB and my nurse (who just happened to be my neighbor of 11 years).  All of these people who I had looked to for help, support and strength in my life....NOBODY could push this baby out but me.  That was a life changing moment for me.  I had to do this, all by myself.  I wanted this baby out and I was the only one who could get him out.  This was a truly empowering moment (although at the time, it kinda sucked).

Bless my baby's heart he came out in 6 pushes.  My darling little chicken weighed 6 pounds 1 ounce.  As soon as he came out they put him to my chest for immediate skin to skin.  I breastfed him for 2 hours and nobody was allowed to touch him but my husband and me.  My world changed that night. And I have never looked back.

My universe will never be the same.  I'm glad you came.

[morethanjustmybodyback]

Coincidence? I think not.

While I was having my hair done during pregnancy my stylist warned me that when the baby turns 4 months old, the mommy's hair starts falling out.  Well, my hair always falls out so I wasn't too worried.

Cut to now.  My son turns 4 months old.  We enter, the '4 month sleep regression' . Yet another gem nobody ever told me about.  My little rockstar starts partying at 2, 3am....for the DAY.  MAYBE he will go down for a nap around noon.  If he feels like it.  This goes on for about a week or so....and then I start noticing...my hair is falling out. Coincidence? 

Furthermore; my darling baby, who was born with luxurious locks? HIS hair has started falling out! Between his hair, and my hair, our hair is everywhere! (I feel a Dashboard Confessional chorus coming on....) 

My baby is starting to resemble Peter Boyle in his hair style.  And my sleep deprivation, is literally causing me to pull out my hair.  Gotta love it! lol

[morethanjustmybodyback]

Make no mistake.  It was ALL totally worth it <3

[morethanjustmybodyback]

No! I'm not glowing!!!!

“Pregnancy is the most natural thing in world!”

“It was the best time of my life!”

“I wish I could be pregnant forever”

These are ACTUAL quotes from women in my family.  I call bullshit.  Pregnancy for me was nothing short of a mind-fuck. I will admit that I am a bit of a control freak, and quite frankly pretty vain.  These two qualities are NOT conducive to pregnancy.  First off, your body no longer belongs to you.  Your favorite food now makes you wanna puke.  Say goodbye to all those lattes you love so much. Cocktails? Ha!

My sister (who is equally if not more body conscious as I am) told me, ‘Eat! You’re growing a person!’ So my first month, I ate.  I added carbs back into my diet and allowed myself some frozen yogurt.  I gained 5 pounds that month.  My OB was not happy, ‘we really prefer if you gain 3 per month’.  Really? She’s giving me crap over 2 pounds? Ok, I will be more careful.  I only ate whole wheat bread, kept up the walking everyday, didn’t give in to those cravings for ice cream I had every morning.  Gained 5 pounds that month too.  WTF.  Another tongue lashing from my OB.  At my next appointment when I had AGAIN gained 5 pounds my husband implored her to be gentle, he knew I was losing grip.  No matter what I did my body packed on 5 pounds every month and the baby was the size of a pea (or a lentil or whatever dumb food reference they give you at that time). I got warned with a stern finger wagging of the dangers of Gestational Diabetes if I did’t curb my eating, how dangerous being overweight can be for the baby.  I SWORE to her my diet wasn’t bad.  No matter what I did I gained 5 freaking pounds every freaking month until my 6th month.  Then it started being 6, 7….my eating did NOT warrant this weight gain.  I was miserable.  I gained a total of 60 pounds in my 38 weeks of pregnancy.  This made me really feel great.

That wasn’t even the only problem!!! Around my 2nd month, my skin (that never betrayed me even as a teenager!!!) erupted into acne that made me want to say LOOK AWAY I’M HIDEOUS! Oh, and guess what, you can’t use anything on your skin when you’re pregnant.  No Clearasil, no acne wash, NOTHING.  Just sit there and feel ugly. My nose grew about 4 times it’s normal size.  People swore I was having a girl because the baby ‘had stolen my beauty’.  Just what I wanted to hear.  I carried all in my nose!!!

Allright so now I’m fat, pimply, and ugly.  I can’t bend down to tie my shoes and my boobs are the size of my head and HURT.  Then came my baby shower.  I started having contractions at my shower and from that point on was in L&D about once a week for the next 8 weeks or so. I had to take Procardia, a medication designed to stop contractions.  What?!? Take medication??!!? I’m pregnant!!! Just do what they tell you to do.  

Lay in bed, fat, pimply and in pain.  Getting comfortable is a joke with the pressure on your hips and once you find a good spot you most assuredly have to pee.  Oh, and you can’t lay on your back or you will cut off blood flow to the baby and you can’t eat cold cuts because you will get Listeria and you have to count the kicks and if you don’t feel that baby moving at least 10 times an hour there’s probably something horribly wrong!!!

FOR THE LOVE OF PETE!!! Finally my doctor was convinced I wasn’t going into premature labor, since the medication I had to take made me (you guessed it) DIZZY, and nauseous but wasn’t doing anything to stop my contractions. She diagnosed me with an irritable uterus and sent me packing.  

I truly expected that as soon as I stopped taking that medicine I would immediately go into labor.  No such luck.  The weeks dragged on.  My weight creeped up.  Pimples popped out.  I HAD HAD IT!!!! 

But I just had to lay there and wait.  Pregnancy is nothing if not a humbling experience. Luckily once I got to giving birth, it all got much better….

[morethanjustmybodyback]

Dizzy!!!

I will be totally honest. I HATED being pregnant. I loved feeling my baby kick, and hearing his heartbeat.  But that was it.  I hated having to pee every 37 seconds, I hated how my face and body changed, I hated being starving and after eat 3 bites feeling like I was so full I couldn’t breathe.  But MOST of all, I hated being dizzy.

I had an extremely hard time with blood sugar and electrolytes during my pregnancy, because, well that’s what happens during pregnancy.  And for someone who has had LOW blood pressure her whole life (standing up too fast- you’re sitting back down!) pregnancy put a whole new spin on it.  

My entire pregnancy without warning I would get dizzy.  Fall off your feet, see spots dizzy.  As I have mentioned I have struggled with anxiety attacks in my life, and they always started by me feeling dizzy.  So every time I started to feel dizzy I thought I was randomly having a panic attack.  The only word I can use to describe this is frightening.  When I asked my OB about it she said it was a simple issue of blood sugar and electrolytes and she recommended eating peanut butter in the morning (best thing a doctor has ever said to me!).  The peanut butter worked but only until mid afternoon.  I found myself having to snack every 2 hours even when I wasn’t hungry to keep myself stabilized. Great that’s all I needed more weight gain.  

Friends and family suggested drinks to balance electrolytes like Vitamin Water or Gatorade.  I drank the Gatorade once before an appointment and my OB rushed into the room where I was waiting demanding to know what I had consumed that morning because the sugar content was so high in my urine.  Oooook. No more Gatorade. So I struggled through the rest of my pregnancy with this awful anxiety inducing dizziness. It sucked.

[morethanjustmybodyback]

Smart mommy, Smart phone!

Most of us have Smart phones these days and as a new Mom, I decided I needed to put mine to work for me.  Of course I use it to do all my social networking, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, taking tons of pics of my super cute kid and uploading them to said sites so everyone I know can see how super cute he is.  But on my quest to shed the baby weight I found some interesting things on my phone.  Basically, wanna lose weight? There’s an app for that!

I find one of the hardest parts about being a new mom, (especially a stay at home mom) is the isolation.  You really don’t talk to anyone but your kid 99% of the time.  My husband works 24 hour shifts so those stints of baby talk can get a little maddening.  Your single girlfriends think your baby is cute sure….but they don’t visit.  It’s just the way of life and you accept it and try to connect in other ways.  Cue the internet.

During my pregnancy I became active on Babycenter and established a great group of online friends.  We complained about our aches and pains, our husbands, our doctors, you name it.  Now that we have all given birth, we complain about our weight (and still our husbands).  I discovered a great app called Myfitnesspal for my IPhone where it not only logs your calories, exercise and water intake but also lets you have ‘friends’.  The social networking feature of this app is great.  It has a newsfeed like all the other sites, but says things like ‘Kate logged in under her calorie goal today!’ or ‘Mary has not logged in for 3 days, maybe she could use some encouragement’.  

As we all know, a personal trainer would be the easiest way to lose weight lol.  Someone standing in your face screaming at you to keep going, cheering you on that you CAN do it goes a long way.  But in lieu of spending what could surely be better spent on diapers you can get this free app that lets your pals do the same.  

Another thing it’s hard to do with an infant is exercise (other than lifting that heavy infant of course).  Pop in a work out video and your kid is guaranteed to wake up from their nap.  Go to the gym? Ha! When? My solution has been to walk.  Get out, everyday and walk with that stroller.  I did it my whole pregnancy and started up again when my son was 5 days old.  And yes, it’s August in New York City.  It’s friggin hot.  Cue my Smartphone.  Check the old Weatherbug and get out there before it becomes too scorching.  5am walks have become a great quiet time for my baby and I, and hey we are up anyway, may as well be burning calories! 

[morethanjustmybodyback]

What the flush?!!? The Niacin component in my fight against Post Partum Anxiety

First I will start off saying, I am not a doctor and I don’t pretend to know any medical facts.  I can only share my own experiences.  That being said, I have struggled with Post Partum Anxiety to the point of panic attack.  It is very scary especially having a little one to take care of and a husband that works 24 hour shifts.

I began a diet regime that came with supplements, and one of them made me very hot and red in the face.  Immediately I started freaking out.  Luckily my husband was nearby and asked to see the bottle of pills.  He told me to calm down, it was just a ‘niacin flush’.  WTF is a niacin flush? (my response). Niacin (also known as Vitamin B3) can dilate the blood vessels and create a flushing of the skin, which indicates a temporary Niacin saturation.  Ok, so what?  I started googling it because well….I don’t take anything my husband says as absolute truth lol.  I found that in addition to lower cholesterol Niacin has the side effect of reducing anxiety, promoting relaxation and improving sleep.  Holy great unexpected side effect!!! Now that I was thinking about it, after the flush I did feel very relaxed.

Because of this diet, I stumbled upon this ‘amazing discovery’ lol.  I have since purchased Niacin supplements and have popped one (100mg) when I have felt a panic attack coming on.  It’s not perfect, and it doesn’t always make me feel 100% better but it always helps.  I feel way safer doing this than popping an Ativan or similar anti panic meds.

Like I said, I found this out by accident and only relied on Dr. Google for my info, but I thought I would share :)