Heroine of THISTLE AND WEEDS

Est. June 18th ♊ No dope. Ace and oblivious as fuck. Also terrible at social interactions. I love terrible puns and jokes! http://www.archiveofourown.org/users/writing_shorts_but_failing

[everyteenager4free1]

[beastliness]

happy 10 year anniversary to the puppet master that cursed my dick

[blumineck]

Archery x flower arranging

This was actually really fun!

Anyway, don’t forget I’m still raising money to test a bunch of things in a suit of armour:

The Bluminarmour Project

Blumineck is trying to fun a video series doing fun and serious historical and fantasy testing in fitted plate armour.

[thisauthorisscreaming]

Does it count as 'sword in the stone' if it looks more like 'sword in the cairn'...?

[the-knights-who-say-book]

fantasy book with witches and wizards and magical people but all magic has a price, like

main character, in awe and slightly terrified: what did you have to give up to be able to control storms with your mind?

powerful enchanter, fighting back tears as they pull down the hood of their cloak to reveal a knotted oily mess: my beautiful luscious hair….no matter how many times i wash or brush it, it always looks like this

main character: [horrified gasp]

[the-knights-who-say-book]

fortune teller: and speak up when asking your question, these are my cards so they share my partially-deafness

other character, sympathetically: oh, had to trade good hearing for seeing the future?

fortune teller: no, asshole, i was born with it. i got seeing the future for trading in my ability to wink

[the-knights-who-say-book]

there’s a legend in this fantasy land about a powerful enchanter who traded their ovaries for the power to create earthquakes. the grumpy semi-sentient force of nature who negotiates these magic deals had thought it was pretty great one, sure to make the recipient of the deal regret making it soon enough (after all, the point is having to suffer a bit in exchange for magic, because life sucks even in magical fantasy kingdoms)

however, soon afterwards, the Grumpy Semi-Sentient Force of Nature realized the enchanter had been ecstatic to be rid of periods and didn’t care about not having biological children. the GSSFN felt somewhat cheated by this and ever since has had a strict no-trading-internal-organs policy

“fucking humans messing with the system,” it was quoted as saying

[the-knights-who-say-book]

actually, cheating the Grumpy Semi-Sentient Force of Nature out of the suffering it hopes to inflict with the magic deals is a time honored tradition in Magical Fantasy Kingdom, which is primarily made up of sassy little shits. most of the kingdom’s mythology is made up of trickster figures

there’s the legend of the smooth-talking thief who managed, by describing a certain talent of hers as “the ability to form small growths out of her skin and then reabsorb them” with enough quick confusing descriptions to trade the ability to get pimples for the power to become invisible

there’s the boy who brought the GSSFN a bucketful of cold, liquid silver in exchange for the power to cure a certain sickness, only for the GSSFN to realize once the sun had come up that the bucket contained only water reflecting moonlight

there’s the monarch who offered to trade in their power to destroy people with only their words for the seemingly much less valuable power to turn one grain of rice into two grains — only for the GSSFN to realize later it had gotten the ruler’s cutting sarcasm in payment for a power that could end a famine

[the-knights-who-say-book]

every year the Grumpy Semi-Sentient Force of Nature gets visits from tens of jewish witches and wizards solemnly offering to give up eating all foods that come from pigs or eating meat at the same time as dairy in exchange for the powers they want

“DO YOU THINK YOU’RE FUCKING CLEVER” says the GSSFN, who has frankly had enough of this shit

[oshadefiant]

my feelings right now as an academic

[oshadefiant]

how to talk to government agents

[oshadefiant]

How to train your government agent

[oshadefiant]

Self-indulgent Ed/Ren

[pokemon]

Origins of Astonishment (circa, 1997). Digital-medium

[kittystar39]

this is the official pokemon tumblr account posting the origin of shocked pikachu

[defectivegembrain]

Oh so when Clifford the Big Red Dog grows to enormous size you love and accept him, but when I, Fenrir

[annikathewitch]

Okay, as much as I love Rocky extending Grace's life without telling him, consider: Rocky *does* tell Grace, Grace just then somehow manages to like. Horrendously misinterpret what the treatment is actually for. Like.

Eridian Doctor: We went through the human genome and found a bunch of places with old broken DNA repair mechanisms so we came up with a gene editing therapy that fixes them in order to extend your lifespan.

Grace: *flashbacks to when Rocky found out that humans can experience long term effects from lower doses of radiation exposure and Grace wasn't being as careful as he should have been back when they first met because he still thought this was gonna be a suicide mission*

Grace (internally): Oh, so cancer prevention! Got it!

Grace: Sounds good!

*like 100 years later*

Grace: Hey Rocky, how am I not dead yet?

Rocky: ???

[pig-lota]

Eridian doctor: this treatment will increase your bone density to prevent them breaking

Grace internally: Oh right, low gravity can cause bone degradation. Makes sense that after so long in space it'd be good

Grace: sounds good to me!

One modification to the LPR5 gene later

Grace falls off a cliff

Grace: Hey why didn't I break any bones???

Rocky: ??? We made your bones strong statement

They add more salt or something to the water in his enclosure so that he can still swim comfortably despite the increased density.

[originaldouble]

Human rocky and pebble grace

[cleanlenins]

🥚

[evergreen-femme]

had to share this

[wizardshark]

In every way this is set up to be a joke like any other short video, it even uses the trope of main character in a wig to represent their mom, but it isn't funny at all. It's just sweet and nice

[uniformedwater]

music not hitting, phone not hitting, Minecraft not hitting, food not hitting, mouth taste like blood, death comes for us all

[writerman]

Forgot to turn off a specific mod

laughed so hard I cried

turned it into a gif

[vonlipvig]

i'm actually curious, what trinkets do you guys have on your keychains? 🗝️