Honestly, I need to get some chill. Normal shit freaks me the fuck out. It just feels like there isn't really a place for me. There are so many typical high school and college experiences that I never had, so there's like this missing bond between me and everyone else because it isn't just about an experience. It's social. I don't have that thing in common with them. I am Other, and I always feel like that. I mean, I know it's because I spent those years dealing with bone marrow failure, and that's a pretty good reason to be socially stunted, but it is frustrating. People have all these fun stories about the night they stole a cop's horse or whatever the fuck people do when they're drunk, and I'm like...my mom used to pull my teenaged ass around in the wagon at night when I was allowed out of my hospital room??? I just can't relate. The priorities of healthy people confuse the hell out of me. I was obsessed with productivity and not wasting time, probably because I had good reason to believe I was dying in the near future. I didn't really plan past graduation. Even living until graduation was a stretch. So I hear these stories and instead of wishing I was there I'm wondering what they were actually supposed to be doing at that time. But I get put in these situations and there are so many nuanced things I have no clue about and I spend the whole time wondering how many blunders I've made and if I'm interacting correctly and saying the right things so it's like I'm not really even there.
