Hi Victoria, thank you for your wonderful Feverwake stores. The setting was very interesting and I loved your ideas about magic. The way you brought up all the (social) issues in the books, how you depicted Lehrer and how you developed Noam and Daraâs love story was really great. I think a learned a lot about abuse through your story and by discussing it with a friend. However, I still donât understand why after everything Noam still felt so attached to Lehrer. (I'm sorry, I need another ask.)
"When realizing what an evil manipulative, narcissist bastard he is and seeing how he abused Dara and him, I hoped there could only be one feeling left: repulsion â and certainly not longing. Could you explain that to me or give me a reference to a source for "self-study". I am so bewildered by that fact. Also, did Noam fell for Dara and Lehrer at the same time or is what he felt for Lehrer very different to his love for Dara? Then what's the difference? Thank you and I'm sorry for bothering you!"
This is a good question! It's a little hard for me to explain personally I think because of personal trauma/experience, but I do have some good resources for you:
https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/why-do-i-love-my-abuser/
https://lifeisloveschool.com/articles/why-do-i-miss-my-abuser/
https://chaynpakistan.org/my-health/stockholm-syndrome-do-you-still-love-and-miss-your-abuser/
Some key quotes from the above links:
- [Stockholm syndrome] can develop as a consequence of traumatic bonding, whereby reward and punishment create fierce emotional bonds that to others may appear âirrationalâ.
- Emotionally bonding with an abuser is actually a strategy for survival for victims of abuse and intimidation. In threatening and survival situations, we look for evidence of hope â a small sign that the situation may improve. When an abuser/controller shows the victim some small kindness, even though it is to the abuserâs benefit as well, the victim interprets that small kindness as a positive trait of the captor.
- Victims can look positively on abusers and controllers for not abusing them, when in a certain situations they would expect it (victoria note: for example Noam's insistence that things with him and Lehrer are different because he hasn't been 'as bad' with Noam as he was with Dara, so therefore things are okay)
- During the relationship, the abuser/controller may share information about their past â how they were mistreated or wronged. Sympathy may develop toward the abuser.
- While these feelings can be difficult to understand, they arenât strange and they arenât wrong. Love isnât something that just disappears overnight. Itâs a connection and emotional attachment that you create with another person.
- Abuse typically doesnât happen right away in a relationship, and it tends to escalate over time as an abusive partner becomes more controlling. You may remember the beginning of the relationship when your partner was charming and thoughtful. You may see good qualities in your partner; they might be a great friend to others, or maybe they contribute to their community. Itâs not shameful to love someone for who they could be, or for the person they led you to believe they were.
- You might feel that if you could just do or say the ârightâ things, the person you fell in love with would stay and the abuse would end.
- Abusive partners are human beings who are complex, like everyone else. They may be dealing with their own traumas, past or present. As their partner, you care about them, and maybe you hoped you could help or âfixâ them.
- A victim of childhood trauma relives the nightmare of their traumatic childhood when they fall prey to an abusive partner. The abusive partner slyly assumes the all-powerful parental role, while the victim regresses to a child that is eager to earn approval and avoid punishment
As for how Noam's love for Lehrer and for Dara differed, I ultimately think that what he felt for Lehrer wasn't real love. It was desire for unconditional acceptance...which Dara couldn't give him (because true unconditional acceptance is actually not healthy). It was desire for a father figure. It was wanting to be the exception to the rule--the only person Lehrer trusted, the only person Lehrer could rely on, etc. His relationship with Lehrer fulfilled Noam's needs of acceptance, parental love, and--maybe most tragically--being able to help/support someone. Noam at the time was completely devastated by his inability to help Dara, and his sense of complicitness in Dara's presumed death. He thinks he and Lehrer are similar, that he can help Lehrer in a way he couldn't help Dara, that he can fix Lehrer's old traumas and help him through his grief and that they will together emerge stronger for it. And so every time Lehrer hurts him, to Noam it's just another sign of things he needs to fix, it's just a symptom of Lehrer's trauma. When Lehrer would then, after, be gentle and apologetic, it's a sign that he is fixable, that if only Noam is good enough and loyal enough, he can save him. And realizing/remembering about Dara, and then about the abuse in his own relationship with Lehrer...it's kind of too late, he's already gotten himself enmeshed in this codependent relationship where his emotional needs are entirely at Lehrer's whim.
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