Movie MunchTime

Two buddies sit on a bench and talk movies. Sloppy thinks trailers should be illegal, and Spud is tired of explaining why he’ll only sit in Row E. Together, they live for the cinema. Except when there’s butter on the popcorn. Dairy intolerance, you see.

[moviemunchtime]

Avengers: Age of Ultron Review!!!

SCORES

Sloppy – 10/10

Spud – 15/10

Superheroes do epic things, again.

Spud: How do you start. It’s the most epic thing I’ve seen in my life.

Sloppy: The last act is the most epic thing I’ve ever seen in my life. Hands down. They keep taking it to the next level. They lead the charge for the future…

Spud: Gave you everything you want.

Sloppy: That last act… Oh my god…

Spud: No wonder Joss Whedon almost died making this. He’s an immortal man.

Sloppy: I know! Okay, let’s start with the big questions. Is it better than the first one?

Spud: Oh, certainly.

Sloppy: Yes, it absolutely is.

Spud: And we watched the first one right before this. It has no action, not compared to this. This opens with the best fight scene.

Sloppy: “You know your favourite part of The Avengers? That’s the first shot of this movie. But better.”

Spud: Captain America throws a bike. Like, he’s riding a bike. Like, he’s sitting on it. Riding it. Driving it. And then he throws it. Like, rides it… then throws it… HE THREW A BIKE!!

Sloppy: Is it funnier than the first one?

Spud: Yes. All that fast wit, the Joss Whedon snark…

Sloppy: So many moments that the audience roaring with laughter.

Spud: It’s so fast and snappy. I don’t know how he does it.

Sloppy: Does it have more emotion?

Spud: God, the emotion. It’s so ripe.  It’s beautiful. Fresh for the picking.

Sloppy: All those 6 billion people on Earth who complained there wasn’t enough Hawkeye in the first one…

Spud: Immediately becomes the best character ever in this.

Sloppy: Tumblr’s gonna go mental with him. The action is better.

Spud: The combos. The Avenger’s combos. Every time they move. It’s the most epic thing.

Sloppy: Black Widdow using Cap’s shield.

Spud: Thor hitting the shield with his hammer!!

Sloppy: Vision and Iron Man and Thor working together!!

Spud: FAHK OFF! It was so good.

Sloppy: Vision… He was everything I wanted him to be.

Spud: He was so damn cool. He looked so damn cool.

Sloppy: I’m gonna use the word. He looked breathtaking. Seriously, one of the best-looking CG creations I’ve ever seen.

Spud: How about Quicksilver? He was different from Days of Future Past, but still amazing! Still so fahking cool. Still funny. What do people want?! He’s funny, he’s cool, he has amazing moments. WHAT DO THEY WANT?!

Sloppy: People are the worst kind of species. They’re so spoilt. What does Joss Whedon have to do to make you have fun? How can you see what we just saw and just shrug your shoulders? DON’T YOU LIKE JOY?!?

Spud: What will please you?! I mean, the Hulkbuster fight!! Oh my god.

Sloppy: Bringing down whole buildings.

Spud: Producers throwing all their money at Whedon.

Sloppy: He splits all the Avengers up several times during this, so at least ONE of them is in a fight somewhere on Earth.

Spud: Every other scene is a fight. I might have to revise my rating for the first movie.

Sloppy: What. Do you know what you’re saying right now? It’s like your favourite movie ver.

Spud: But… it’s just not Age of Ultron! It takes two hours until we get a proper battle. In this one, it’s every ten minutes!!

Sloppy: Whedon is a master juggler. It astounds me. There are so many things...

Spud: SO MANY THINGS going on in this!!!

Sloppy: The editing room… I can’t imagine… But he did it. The other thing he did that’s just brilliant is how he never forgets that all action has consequence. He shows the pain the damage caused by all these superhero fights. Maria Hill picking glass from her feet. Someone’s always saving a civilian.

Spud: Yeah! Like Iron Man checking the building for people before he throws someone into it. It’s something no other superhero franchise does. Whedon is aware of collateral damage. These guys are heroes – they don’t want anyone to get hurt besides the bad guy. It’s done so well in the Hulkbuster fight near Wakanda.

Sloppy: They teased that name!

Spud: They dropped it. And they also finally acknowledged the Infinity Stones. Saying that word every minute.

Sloppy: Feige having to spell it out for everyone. He comes  up to the chalkboard during the movie. “See this? This is the mind stone. Can you say “mind stone”?”

Spud: “Mind stone!”

Sloppy: “Very good!”

*********WARNING!! SPOILER TERRITORY BELOW!!!*********

*********WARNING!! SPOILER TERRITORY BELOW!!!********* *********WARNING!! SPOILER TERRITORY BELOW!!!*********

*********WARNING!! SPOILER TERRITORY BELOW!!!*********

*********WARNING!! SPOILER TERRITORY BELOW!!!*********

*********WARNING!! SPOILER TERRITORY BELOW!!!*********

Sloppy: The New Avengers!! 

Spud: OH MAN THE NEW AVENGERS! The new team!! I seriously thought Vision would die this movie. I thought he’d be a one-off.

Sloppy: He’s pretty much Jesus.

Spud: So Infinity War Part 1 will be the New Avengers losing a battle, then try to get the old team back? Because Hawkeye’s with his family, Iron Man’s retired, and Hulk’s off in Fiji.

Sloppy: Poor Scarlett… That relationship worked so well, by the way.

Spud: It felt so real.

Sloppy: Joss Whedon still made it Black Widow flirting with Bruce Banner. It wasn’t cheesy. No one was acting out of camera. She was a full-on flirt.

Spud: Scarlett Johansson is brilliant. She was incredible. That bit where she drops out the plane on her motorbike!

Sloppy: I love that Whedon sat himself down and said, “Alright, you’ve gotta make a 7-minute action scene with all the guys who don’t have super powers. That’s your challenge.”

Spud: So true. And he did it! You know who also knocked it out the park? James Spader. Ultron was amazing.

Sloppy: It took me a bit to get used to him having a sense of humour.

Spud: Well he has Tony Stark’s humour.

Sloppy: Yeah, but you know me and my robots. Takes me a while to see them as people. But once I settled for his jokes, I loved him.

Spud: He looks insane. Just watching him on screen. This 9-feet tall robot. That little mouth moving.

Sloppy: Andy Serkis is unstoppable.

Spud: That guy can do every voice known to man.

Sloppy: I wouldn’t have recognised him if you hadn’t told me. He can do anything.

**** AND NOW FOR THE DR JOHN JOKE ***

(Some context. Our film studies teacher, Dr John, thinks the best movies ever are 1940s French neo-noirs, and such…)

Spud: We’re gonna walk in next week and he’ll be all like, “This film here is the pinnacle of cinema.” And I just have to, “No it’s not, Dr John. No it isn’t. have you seen Age of Ultron? You seen that last act, Dr John? There’s literally a floating city, and an army of robots.”

Sloppy: “A whole city floating. FLOATING, Dr John. None of this Orson Welles running through the sewers of Vienna nonsense, right?  It’s a city!”

Spud: “And it’s floating.”

Sloppy: “And there’s an army of robots—“

Spud: “A whole army of fahking robots, Dr John.”

Sloppy: “They’re fighting a team of heroes with superpowers, Dr John.”

Spud: “Dr John, sit down. Sit down right here, Dr John, and watch this movie.”

Sloppy: “That’s a giant green rage monster, Dr John.”

Spud: “The monster jumps from a giant, flying ship to a floating city, in one leap Dr John.”

Sloppy: “The ship’s as big as an island, by the way. It’s huge.”

Spud: “And it’s flying.”

Sloppy: “Samuel Jackson is piloting it.”

Spud: “Samuel Jackson with an eye patch, Dr John.”

Sloppy: “Are you listening to me, Dr John?”

Spud: “It’s called a lightsaber, not a beamsword, you fahk.”

Sloppy: *laughs*

Spud: “The giant green monster is in love with an assassin, by the way.”

Sloppy: “A death assassin.”

Spud: “She kisses him then pushes him over the edge so he will turn into the monster.”

Sloppy: “No, NO DR JOHN! Get away from that 80th anniversary edition of The Third Man on Blu-Ray.”

Spud: He doesn’t know what Blu-Ray is. Probably watches that movie on the original film reel. He stands there rotating the camera himself.

Sloppy: He puts the film reel in a zoetrope. Watches it through the slits.

Spud: *laughs*

*** NOW THAT THAT’S OVER WITH ***

Sloppy: There’s practically no fighting anywhere in the U.S. They really are EARTH’S Mightiest Heroes. Finally a superhero movie that doesn’t put America at stake, again. Joss knows that if there are lives at risk, it doesn’t matter where the fight takes place. It’s just as important.

Spud: This movie was just… AAAAAHH!!! It was just…

Sloppy: Glorious. Seeing the Star Tower as the Avengers HQ made me the happiest person. I felt like I was 6-years-old. Had to stop from giggling through the whole scene.

Spud: You know what I loved so much? They completely ignored Iron Man 3. It was like that movie never existed.

Sloppy: The biggest “fahk you” to Shane Black.

Spud: Tony Stark retiring the suit. Taking the arc reactor out his chest. Nup. Never happened.

Sloppy: Poor Shane Black. Everyone at the viewing party, watching Age of Ultron, and he’s just in the corner, standing at the snack table. “Hey Mum, can you pick me up? No one’s talking to me…”

Spud: “But guys, I had that Mandarin joke.” And Feige’s just, “WALK HOME, SON!”

Sloppy: *laughs*

[moviemunchtime]

The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water Review - Drop on the Deck and Munch Like a Fish

SCORES

Sloppy – 4.0/10

Spud – 4.0/10

When a diabolical pirate above the sea steals the secret-- Wait. This film had a plot?

Sloppy: Umm…

Spud: Uhh…

Sloppy: Uuummmm…

Spud: Uhhh…. I don’t know!

Sloppy: I’m trying to think of a way to sum up that last 15 minutes.

Spud: The rap battle… What the hell.

Sloppy: *laughs* When they were storyboarding that – like, 12 people in one room – who was the one responsible for going, “Yeah man, that’s tops. A dolphin and a seagull doing an Epic Rap Battle. Great stuff!”

Spud: And you know me, I LOVE my themesong raps during the credits. That’s a Spud trademark. But FOUR songs?! FOUR?! And they were just not good.

Sloppy: They were just weird. None of them were “cool”. That pseudo-sexual hippy-tune about a dude who’s in love with Sandy? “Sorry Mr. Krabs, I know the daughter you had, but I have my squirrel here in the sand.” What the hell. He’s singing about fucking a squirrel.

Spud: Who was it for? Did they expect everyone would’ve walked out by then, so they all got high and just threw that in there.

Sloppy: It was written by some dad who’s never seen the show, and his children run around the house singing this Epic Rap Battle stuff, so he thought that’s what people wanted in a SpongeBob movie.

Spud: But it wasn’t even between SpongeBob and Plankton… Is it just me or, I feel a little sick.

Sloppy: I’m nauseous. I really am. It was so trippy. Like, the show is weird, but it’s not THAT.

Spud: Planets colliding, the ethereal dolphin… SpongeBob does gross close-ups, and weird faces, like doing weird things with their bodies. The show is UGLY! Kids love it. Kids are gross. The show understood kids, and it respected them, too. This didn’t have any of that. They talk down to kids, every joke is safe and stupid. I mean, sorry to be talking seriously about SpongeBob, but this movie just did not get it!

Sloppy: The scene in SpongeBob’s brain – the writer has never seen the show, that must be it – because it was all about food. SpongeBob isn’t obsessed with food. That’s not a trait of his.

Spud: It was all just desserts and sweets! Singing donuts… There are so many things they could’ve referenced.

Sloppy: Well yeah, the movie as a whole – there are so many storylines you could’ve chosen, and you went with THAT one.

Spud: The first movie was about him facing the fact that he needs to grow up. That’s the best thing you could do with SpongeBob. AND the movie and the show are known for their amazing songs. You can still remember all the songs!

Sloppy: I remember them, too. Every word. Brilliant songs.

Spud: The song in this was—

Sloppy: Atrocious. The only word for it.

Spud: It had no melody! *singing* “And now we’re going to rhyme, and now we’re not in time.”

Sloppy: *singing* “And now we’re going to sing with a lot more syllables than before just because I can’t think of any short sentences right now!” And what was that song playing at every time-travel montage. “Diggy-dang-dang, diggity-dang.” Had nothing to do with SpongeBob, it was just some dumb kids song that the dude’s children were into, so he put it in the film. It was completely out of place, but… in the most brilliant way.

Spud: It is the most spectacular ending I’ll see all year, in terms of “what the fuck?!”

Sloppy: The whole movie, too. I’m actually really happy I saw this, just because of how amazingly baffling it all was.

Spud: The show goes weird places and is very unexpected. I mean, you never know what’ll happen next.

Sloppy: And this was on a whole other level. You seriously couldn’t even GUESS what would happen next. They dropped acid. They really did.

Spud: The repeating jokes… Tee-Am. Like, building up to the big moment when Plankton can say “team”.

Sloppy: Mel Brooks should’ve come in and smacked ‘em around. “I said you tell a joke three times! THREE TIMES!! NOT THREE-HUNDRED!!!” Unbelievable.

Spud: And the pirate storyline. Antonio Banderas. That was the weirdest thing.

Sloppy: Yeah! That was… Woah, I’m actually trying to figure that out. What the hell was all that about? The book, the treasure—

Spud: The skeleton.

*They both try to make sense of where all that fit in with the rest of the film. It takes them a while.*

Spud: The first movie had such a simple story! They have to bring back King Neptune’s crown before he kills Mr. Krabs! It’s simple and it’s awesome and this is… it’s just fahked!

Sloppy: A team of people worked on this!

Spud: Did you see all the names in the credits??

Sloppy: People got paid for this! This was their JOB! And it was just so lazy. The jokes were so desperate! So stupid! So cringey!! God, I’m kinda angry.

Spud: Ooh, we should mention the kids in the cinema. None of them laughed. One kid laughed ONCE the entire movie.

Sloppy: God, you’re right. I mean, I enjoyed the first act. The whole food fight was good fun.

Spud: Yeah, that was funny.

Sloppy: Then they took a dark, dark turn…

Spud: Look, I’m so happy it exists. Especially the songs. I love that I’ll be able to rewatch those on YouTube and just laugh at them. Laugh at the fact that they happened.

Sloppy: I think I need to watch A Little Chaos now. I need a movie that makes some GODDAMN SENSE!!

Spud: Rating?

Sloppy: Rating?! Aaghh, I did laugh. Like it got a good laugh from me now and then, but the rest of it is making me angry.

Spud: They sodomised SpongeBob. Not only that, they sodomised SpongeBob with all that money. I imagine something like Wolf of Wall Street, with SpongeBob tied to the bed and they’re throwing money at him as he’s being screwed. I’m going with a 4.

Sloppy: Yeah, I’m with you there. Oh, and the seagull poop at the beginning! That was hilarious.

Spud: Then they just overdid it with the poop jokes. Poop jokes?! KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE!! GAAHHH!!

[moviemunchtime]

Run All Night Review - “I Will Find You. I Will Munch You.”

SCORES:

Sloppy - 7.0/10

Spud - 7.0/10

Mobster and hit man Liam Neeson has one night to figure out where his loyalties lie: with his estranged son, Mike, whose life is in danger, or his longtime best friend, mob boss Ed Harris, who wants Mike to pay for the death of his own son.

(Sloppy and Spud power walk from the cinema to their film history class.)

Spud: You know, there were a lot of little things in this that made me go, “Ahh, cool.”

Sloppy: It tried to do something new with these characters and their relationships.

Spud: Well even the camera transitions. I loved that. Watching it zooming all over the place to the next locations - going through trains and windows...

Sloppy: Ghost cam. The camera was like the best cab driver in New York. “Where you going, man? Neeson’s house? Man, I getchu there in 10-seconds flat!”

Spud: *laughs* I imagined it was held by that Koopa cloud guy in Mario Kart.

Sloppy: *laughs* I have no idea what that cloud guy’s name is. Poor thing, he works so hard. “Ooh, nobody talks to me... They all take me for granted...”

Spud: *laughs* But yeah, the characters were really interesting. I haven’t seen a mob movie do that sort of thing. Neeson’s best friend is after his son. That phone call was such a great scene - probably the one that impressed me the most.

Sloppy: “Your son’s dead...”

Spud: “You know what needs to happen now.” Pretty great.

Sloppy: I liked seeing a Neeson movie where the person he’s protecting isn’t pining for his help. His son hated him, Neeson accepted that, didn’t want his son turning out like him. Lots of interesting stuff going on there.

Spud: That’s the thing, Neeson was so greasy here. A killer, a drunk Santa... But he can be as greasy as he wants and we still love him. He’s a big teddy bear.

Sloppy: He’ll always be the good angel on my shoulder.

Spud: Nah mate, good AND bad angel.

Sloppy: Bad angel, “Kill him.” Good angel, “Yah, kill him.” Aww, okay! 

Spud: *laughs* The action sequences were fun, I thought. Him chasing a cop was cool - again, the little things.

Sloppy: The whole apartment sequence was pretty kickass. 

Spud: What the hell, Common... his character was so--

Sloppy: Cartoony.

Spud: Yeah! He had his green, night-vision eye glass. But only on one eye. He just keep the other one closed the whole time? I’m also disappointed he didn’t have a Run All Night rap for the end credits.

Sloppy: “Common, you can either have the end credits rap or the eyeglass. You can’t have both!”

Spud: I bet he’s the one who pitched the idea. “Yo, check this out. I’m a futuristic-rapping-pirate-ninja-black-assassin!”

Sloppy: *laughs* And we got out slow-mo gunshot at the end.

Spud: The staple of every Neeson movie. It was awesome. So, rating?

Sloppy: Ooft. A high 7.0 - I can’t give it 7.5 because I don’t think it was that memorable.

Spud: I’m the same. I mean, I really liked it, but it didn’t do anything that made me jump out of my seat like, “Awwww shiiiit!” It was no The Equalizer.

Sloppy: Definitely not. Oh crap, we’re so late for class! Imagine if we told him, “Sorry, Dr. John - lover of surrealism and ‘30s French noir - we went to see the new Liam Neeson action movie.”

Spud: He’d just look at us like, “You know what needs to happen now.”

Sloppy: *laughs*

[moviemunchtime]

Top Five Review - Finger Up the Munch

SCORES

Sloppy – 6.0/10

Spud – 6.0/10

A popular comedian tries to make it as a serious actor, but no one’s interested.  Meanwhile, his reality-TV star fiancée talks him into broadcasting their wedding on her TV show. Can the beautiful Rosario Dawson save the day??

*Sloppy switches on their high-tech audio recording device (an iPhone) *

Sloppy: Here we go. Doing it old school style.

Spud: We don’t need no boom mic!

Sloppy: Let’s try steer clear of any “black voice”.

Spud: There were two white people in this movie.

Sloppy: Yep, and one of them was a red-headed gay man.

Spud: And his gay boyfriend.

Sloppy: What does that tell ya…

*Sloppy then goes into great detail about the “finger in the bum” scene. He seems a bit too focused on it…*

Spud: Look at you! It was like one scene in the movie! One scene! Your making the whole theme of this review, “fingers up bums.”

Sloppy: *laughs* So what did you think of the movie?

Spud: I thought it was fine. I sat back, I consumed a movie—

Sloppy: Consumed? Like, with a dessert spoon?

Spud: I consumed it. I got to see Jerry Seinfeld in a strip club – my two favourite things, as you know. I laughed a few times. I got to hear “that shit cray” every five minutes. It wasn’t special, or anything.

Sloppy: Chris Rock’s very likeable.

Spud: He is. He’s very likeable. I don’t know how many parallels to his own life he was drawing here.

Sloppy: He hasn’t made a serious movie. He’s made movies that’ve been canned by the critics, but they were comedies.

Spud: Ahhh.

Sloppy: This is such a genuine movie. Yeah, I found it easy to lay back and go, “It’s okay, Chris Rock. You can tell me your problems. I’m here for you, buddy.”

Spud: I wanted more of the Haiti movie, Uprize! There was only that one clip they kept showing us. I wanted so much more!

Sloppy: I was hoping they’d play some scenes during the credits. That would’ve been hilarious.

Spud: He was being too serious about joking about being too serious.

Sloppy: I don’t think he’s a strong writer. There were very basic writing conventions here that don’t really work for audiences anymore, especially for a movie about two adults.

Spud: I thought the way he chopped up the sequences, like with the flashbacks, was really weird.

Sloppy: It took a while to figure out where we were at, timeline-wise.

Spud: Yeah, like one second we’re in the past, then the future, then the present. And it never told you, you just had to work it out.

Sloppy: Some moments were a bit—

Spud: Forced.

Sloppy: Yep. When he eventually breaks and starts drinking again, he has just half-a-beer and then he’s slurring his words and throwing shit at the police.

Spud: What a lightweight. And all the scenes with his wife-to-be – I don’t know if we were meant to sympathise with her – but I was just thinking, “God, stop whining.”

Sloppy: She was hardly a character.

Spud: Flimsy.

Sloppy: Rosario Dawson is great, though. She’s fun to watch. And so are a lot of the side characters, actually.

Spud: Like his bodyguard. “Ooh, these honey-glazed nuts are my shit!! OOOHH!! HOT DAMN!!”

Sloppy: *laughs* And his family…

Spud: And the stand-up comics…

Sloppy: That’s just it. The only thing that really bugged me about this movie was that Chris Rock himself wasn’t that funny. All his jokes were flat.

Spud: He’s a funny guy. I don’t know why he didn’t put his best jokes in here.

Sloppy: It’s about him discovering comedy again, so maybe that was the point, but… If the lead in a comedy film isn’t making me laugh… that’s a problem.

Spud: I don’t want him to be discouraged, though. I want him to keep making movies. He’s got potential.

Sloppy: Yeah, true!

Spud: Can he just make Uprize? What do we have to do to make that happen?

Sloppy: Please!

Spud: I would watch the shit out of that movie. And Chris Rock’s just going, “Guys, it was a joke!”

Sloppy: *laughs* I give it a 6.0.

Spud: A six-point-fi—oh!!

Sloppy: But it’s not a saddened, dejected 6.0.

Spud: It’s like one of those Pompeii 6.0’s. I was entertained.

Sloppy: I was quite happy sitting in the cinema, holding my water, watching this movie.

Spud: Just water? You had popcorn, too.

Sloppy: It was cold popcorn. I don’t promote cold popcorn.

Spud: *laughs* And I had my warm box. (Editor’s Note: Their popcorn was cold, so they tried putting it in the microwave but that just made the popcorn boxes warm.)

Sloppy: Watching this movie made me realise just how white we both are.

Spud: Speak for yourself.

Sloppy: “Do you have that on rye bread, perchance?”

Spud: Hey! Leave my tuna-and-avocado-on-rye sandwiches alone…

Sloppy: *laughs*

[moviemunchtime]

Chappie Review (Spoiler Free!) - I am alive. I am conscious. I am Spud.

SCORES

Spud – 6.0/10

Chappie has feels, Jackman has cargo pants, and Ninja has a lot of angry teenage girls storming to his house holding Molotovs and bricks.

***

Spud: Well, Mr. Curious – Mr. Blomkurious – ask away.

Sloppy: How much of Hugh Jackman is in this movie?

Spud: More than you are led to believe. There are two stories going on: Hugh and Patel fighting over Artificial Intelligence, and these gangsters teaching Chappie to help them on a heist to get the money for this big motherfahker named Hippo. And this guy speaks with a heavy South African accent, so they give him subtitles.

Sloppy: Are you kidding me? That’s hilarious.

Spud: Now here’s the thing about Hugh Jackman. This is the main reason I was entertained. He’s always wearing his cargo pants, shirt tucked in, his mullet, saying “mate” all the time and—NO JOKE!—he sits there brooding as he spins a rugby ball.

Sloppy: Aahh! That’s amazing!

Spud: I love it! I want that every day! “Mate, you got me angrier than a frog in a sock.”

Sloppy: *laughs* “Got me more burned up than a ranga on a cricket field.”

Spud: Second reason why this is a 6.0, and not an abomination. In the first half, I really cared about Chappie. I know you don’t get the whole robot thing—

Sloppy: Don’t get it. “Just a bunch of wires, mate.”

Spud: Chappie’s just—he’s a cutie. He’s got this little voice. Sharlto Copley did the voice and motion-cap, and did an amazing job. Oop, I just found a picture of Hippo. Look at this.

Sloppy: Let me feast my eyes on—woah, what a mug! Neil Blomkamp, what are you doing. Man, you’re looking at 90 minutes of Elysium right there. That’s the first two acts. Except right in your face and swearing.

Spud: Ugh. There’s a scene where kids are pelting Chappie with bricks, and he’s cowering in the corner, “I want to go home!”

Sloppy: Aaaaww, this sounds like the most unfair movie.

Spud: And there’s a bit where he’s on fire, running down the street. And the movie tells you that he’s got the mind of a human child. So it’s just, wow you’re straight up torturing children.

Sloppy: Who writes this stuff? Who wants to watch that?? What’s the message???

Spud: I know! That’s the thing! You want the movie to be this debate over A.I. in a futuristic world – but it just keeps going back to these gangsters.

Sloppy: Are they as bad actors as everyone says?

Spud: Yes.

Sloppy: Because I like Yolandi. She seems cool, and she’s very talented.

Spud: She’s nice. She’s like his mother.

*Spud goes on to tell Sloppy the ending*

Sloppy: See, it seems like there’s a bunch of meaning there. It seems like a message about motherhood, and innocence, and your responsibilities as a parent.

Spud: But there just isn’t. It’s an ugly movie.

Sloppy: Are the action scenes any good?

Spud: There’s a lot of slow-mo, but I like my slow-mo. They’re not anything to shake your head at, but they don’t make you go, “Woah, that was great.” But look, Blomkamp knows how to set up a world. The gangster’s hub world is really cool. It’s a great movie to look at. I was never bored, but sometimes I was hating it.

Sloppy: Not bored, but hating it.

Spud: I wanted Chappie to be nice at the end, and maybe he sacrifices himself…

Sloppy: Blomkamp doesn’t do “nice.”

Spud: There’s so much potential here! Can someone remake Chappie in ten years?

Sloppy: *laughs* Well, the most important question I have is: are you saddened that I refused to go with you? Should I have been there?

Spud: You would have hhhhaaaaaated it!

Sloppy: “Man, just come. It’ll be fun. C’mon, man. Chappie!” If you were to go back in time…

Spud: Stay far away. Don’t do it. You would have come out fuming. And next he’s doing one of your favourite sci-fi movies.

Sloppy: Yeah… Hey, we don’t know. Maybe it’ll end with Sigourney Weaver skull-fucking an alien.

Spud: *laughs*

[moviemunchtime]

Inherent Vice Review (Spoiler Free!) - Muncho Panukeiku!!!

SCORES

Sloppy – 8.5/10 

Spud – 7.5/10

It’s 1970, drug-fueled Los Angeles. Detective Larry “Doc” Sportello finds himself caught up in three investigations, meeting many craaazzzy people doing craaazzzy things.

***

Our two favourite film reviewers drive home from the theatre…

Spud: *in a dumb cartoon voice* Well Sloppy, is this gonna be an interesting conversation?

Sloppy: *in an equally, if not more-so dumb cartoon voice* Hooh, I think it will be a VERY interesting conversation, Mr. Spud!

Spud: *singing* Mmmmotto panukeikuuuuuu!!

Sloppy: *equally, if not more-so singing* It’s MunchTiiiime!!

Spud: Let’s get this ball rolling.

Sloppy: Okay, I’ll get it rolling. What the fuck, Paul Thomas Anderson!

Spud: What. The. Fuck. What the hell was—what the—I just don’t—

Sloppy: Did he see the reviews for The Master and think, “Caaww, I’ll show them! I’ll REALLY put ‘em through the ringer with this next—“whoop!

At this point, Spud’s P-plate drops from the hook on the windscreen.

Spud: What was that?

Sloppy: Uh… hold on. You’re gonna need that.

Spud: Oh! Put it on! NO the other way!! NO THE RED SIDE!

Sloppy: I’m trying—it won’t—it won’t hook on! Oh god, we’re so illegal right now!

Spud: THERE’S A HOLE!!

Sloppy: WHERE?!?!

Spud: GOD, THERE’S A HOLE!! JUST TURN IT AROUND—

Later:

Spud: So yeah, it was like Paul Thomas Anderson and Joaquin Phoenix holed themselves up somewhere, smoked a lot of bongs, wrote a script and just stared at it like, “This is art.” Oh, and they were mumbling to each other the entire time.

Sloppy: And Josh Brolin comes in, throws a table. Anderson’s just, “YOU’RE IN THE MOVIE!” And Brolin’s, “DAMN RIGHT!” Josh Brolin was phenomenal.

Spud: He’s hilarious. He made the movie watchable.

Sloppy: I think it’s amazing how—I mean, it’s like everyone time-traveled to 70s LA and shot this movie. The production design, the clothes – it was out of this world. And they never broke that illusion. You know, I’ve never seen a movie that made me feel this way.

Spud: I felt like I was tripping.

Sloppy: Yeah, like a paranoid drug trip.

Spud: Maybe that was the point.

Sloppy: That was 100% the point. I think Paul Thomas Anderson could not care less if you were following the plot of this movie.

Spud: There is no way someone followed this. No way. Probably some wanker walking out of it like, “AW YEAH MOIT, I UNDERSTOOD THE WHOLE THING! WHACKER-DOO!!”

Sloppy: *laughs* “It was a little too simple. He should have taken it to some other places.”

Spud: Ugh. Filth.

Sloppy: Whatever you think about movie structure, or how dialogue works, this film could not give less of a shit. There are so many moments where no one’s answering each other’s questions. And moments where a guy will say something and the other just won’t respond, like maybe he didn’t hear it, then say something completely unrelated.

Spud: There are too many moments where a character’s talking really slow, and really quiet, saying something really meaningful, and so I just don’t know what’s going on. And there are all these character arcs that come out of nowhere, and you just don’t care.

Sloppy: The directing, though. This guy knows exactly where to put a camera.

Spud: Oh my god, some of those shots…

Sloppy: That scene at Planet Chick.

Spud: God that was so funny. That looked incredible.

Sloppy: And what was with the line of guys following him, who suddenly drop to the ground? Sometimes you wonder if the camera is just as paranoid as the characters are. You don’t know if what you’re seeing or hearing is actually happening.

Spud: The whole movie was like an inside joke between him and himself.

Sloppy: How about the acting? You’ll never see any better acting than in a Paul Thomas Anderson film.

Spud: Joaquin Phoenix, holy crap.

Sloppy: He lived in that role. He was mind-blowing. And he also never broke the illusion.

Spud: Never drop the con!

Sloppy: *laughs*

Spud: Get Will Smith behind the camera. D.O.P… . Director of Pussy.

*both laugh*

Spud: So what’s the rating?

Sloppy: I have no idea, I need to see it again. It feels weird giving it a rating.

Spud: It feels like it deserves two ratings: one for when you’re sober, and one for when you’re off your freaking tits.

Sloppy: *laughs* Um…  I’m going with my gut. I’m giving it an 8.5.

Spud: WOAH! THAT’S HUGE!

Sloppy: There were scenes where I had no idea what was going on with the story, but that didn’t matter so much because everything else was incredible – the directing, acting, production design, the soundtrack… I just need to watch it again and figure it out. What about you?

Spud: It was funny, but I need more from a movie with a 10-minute scene of Joaquin Phoenix and Owen Wilson just whispering and mumbling to each other. I’m leaning towards a 7.5.

Sloppy: Anderson’s just putting these crazy characters in this crazy world, and you’re either in or you’re out.

Spud: I reckon the author of the book went to see it and was just, “What the fuck? What did you do?!” The book might be a straight-up mystery thriller.

Sloppy: *laughs* It’s just a picture book by Roald Dahl.

Spud: *laughs*

[moviemunchtime]

Focus Review (Warning: Spoilers) - Never Drop the Munch

SCORES

Sloppy – 8.0/10

Spud – 7.5/10

Will Smith and Margot Robbie steam up the big screen in this twisty romance set in the thrilling world of con artists.

***

(Editor’s Note: I’ve done my best to recreate the … “eccentricities” at the beginning of this review. Things get off to a weird start, to say the least. Must’ve been something in the water.)

Sloppy: I want more American films to have Australian characters.

Spud: *laughs* “Yah fahk! You’re bloody six-inches taller yah fahk!”

Sloppy: “Get the fahk outta here, mate. Nah, I love yah. But get the fahk outta here!”

Spud: “YAH FAHK!!” That’s what it’s like down here.

Sloppy: That’s every day.  

Spud: Wait, are you recording?

Sloppy: Yeah!

Spud: Oh!

Sloppy: Sneakin’ up on ya.

Spud: So what did you think????

Sloppy: OOOH!! Well I thought it was mighty—

Spud: Did you fffffocus? HA HAAAAA HA HAH!!

*both snigger like idiots*

Spud: Okay, we gotta calm down.

Sloppy: Yeah, I will….. Smith. WAAH!!

Spud: AAAGHH!

Sloppy: AAAAAAGHHH!!

Spud: Don’t you MARGOT THERE!!

Sloppy & Spud: WAAAAAGHHHH!!! AAHH-AHHH-AHHH!!!

Sloppy: YOU’RE ROBBIE-ING ME OF MY JOKES! OOOOHHH!!!

Spud: AAAAHHH!!!!

Sloppy & Spud: WAAGHGHHAHAAAGHHHAGGHHH!!!!

Spud: PSYCH! I’M ACTUALLY YOUR FATHER!!!!

*both laugh*

*both laugh for way too long*

*I think they’ve lost it*

Sloppy: *wiping tears* Christ…

Spud: Phew.

Sloppy: Okay…

Spud: It’s nice having Will Smith back, all charming. Even when he does that thing with his face – scrunching it all up. The mega-pout.

Sloppy: Like when he’s about to say something serious.

Spud: “Alright, ya’ll. I’mma tell you how it is. Holler down, holler down.”

Sloppy: I thought the chemistry between the leads was great.

Spud: Margot Robbie… Wooh.

Sloppy: She’s awesome. She’s a lot of fun.

Spud: It’s great that she’s getting this recognition. Just a few years ago, on our Neighbours.

Sloppy: I also liked how unpredictable the movie was. I really didn’t know how it was going to play out.

Spud: I thought the 3-years jump was a bit jarring. It seemed like the movie was split in half. My favourite sequence, in my humble Spuddy opinion, was the hitman going shopping, then getting in the car… He’s buckling up and “AAAGHHH!!!”

Sloppy: *laughs* That was a really cool sequence. I thought the directing in general was—god, it was just a damn sexy movie.

Spud: It was a sexy movie! It was steamin’!

Sloppy: A knockout. If I’d been sitting in Row A I’d have fogged up the whole screen. I’m guessing you liked the first half a lot more than the second.

Spud: I still enjoyed the second half, but yeah, everything with the group of con-men was fun as hell. They talked about how doing that one big con was just a fantasy, but I really wanted it to become that movie. I was loving it.

Sloppy: I was along for the ride, going wherever the writer wanted to go. Great chemistry, clever sequences, and the soundtrack was INCREDIBLE! But I couldn’t keep up with the last ten minutes. C’mon guys, one twist at a time!

Spud: It got ridiculous. They just didn’t care. Plot twist every minute. It just stopped making sense.

Sloppy: BD Wong pops up at the end, “And I was the one behind all the—“ NO! Cut to credits! CUT TO CREDITS!

Spud: I half-expected him to jump out of the trunk of the car at the end, “It all went according to plan!”

Sloppy: *laughs*

[moviemunchtime]

Seventh Son Review (SPOILER FREE) - Abandon Hope All Ye Who Munch Here

SCORES

Sloppy – 5.5/10

Spud – 4.0/10

Yes, we could go on and on listing all the ridiculous plot holes, but there’s only one thing you have to know about Seventh Son…

***

Spud: Jeff Bridges. What the hell, man. What. The. Hell.

Sloppy: *laughs* He was acting like one of the Muppets.

Spud: What was he thinking?

Sloppy: Did he go up to Ben Barnes before shooting like, “Hey Ben, this director’s a huge pussy. I can get away with anything. Check this out. MURR-MURR-MURR-WAAAARRRRRD!!”

Spud: The director’s like, “Uh-umm, M-Mr Bridges. Um, th-th-that’s not exac-exactl—“

Sloppy: “EY! You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to Oscar Winner Jeff Bridges?!”

Spud: He takes his Oscar out, “Go on, say it.”

Sloppy: That performance was something else… I kinda liked it.

Spud: See, THIS is being laughably bad.

Sloppy: What’s your number?

Spud: 4/10. He was the only thing keeping this mess together. Oh, him and Tusk - the beautifully and totally unnecessarily deformed sidekick.

Sloppy: I have to give it a 5.5 – Jeff Bridges is the most entertaining thing here, and he’s in it for 85% of the movie. I smiled every time he opened his mouth.

Spud: I want a shirt—can someone make me this shirt?—with Tusk and Mesh (the Elephant Man from Jupiter Ascending) together, and a love heart between them. Best unnecessary sidekicks ever.

Sloppy: 2015, year of bizarre Oscar Winner performances and deformed man-beasts.

[moviemunchtime]

A Most Violent Year - Munchfellas

SCORES

Sloppy – 8.0/10 

Spud – 7.5/10 

Oscar Isaac plays an honest-Joe who just wants to make good money to provide for his family. Unfortunately, 1981 New York was full of assholes. Plus his wife, Jessica Chastain, is a bit of a nutter.

~

Spud: That Rabbi squad, rocking up in that clown car.

Sloppy: *laughs*

Spud: With those curls—do you have those curls? Have you hidden them somewhere?

Sloppy: Yeah, just gotta untie the strings and they’ll come bouncing down.

Spud: Was that compulsory at your school? Did they come check every morning?

Sloppy: “Shoes. Tie. Cur—oi, where’s them curls, mate?” Teacher gets out the ruler to make sure they’re at the same length.

Spud: Do they have a name?

Sloppy: Payot! See, the kid’s are learning something from reading this.

Spud: Payot, our word of the day. We’re like a Jewish Sesame Street. Alright, back on topic. What did you think of the movie?

Sloppy: Poor Oscar Isaac. Ever movie, he just can’t catch a break. In this he’s trying so hard to be honourable, but everyone’s screwing him over.

Spud: Then you‘ve got Inside Llewyn Davis—

Sloppy: --where he just wants to sing some songs, but they won’t let him. And before that, Zack Snyder casts him in Sucker Punch. Oscar Isaac just can’t win.

Spud: *laughs* That’s okay, he’ll be in Star Wars... and probably die.

Sloppy: That’s a shame, because I love Oscar Isaac. I love looking at him.

Spud: I love his presence.

Sloppy: The man knows how to work a close-up.

Spud: That great scene where he’s teaching the new salesmen how the job works. His staring.

Sloppy: You know what I’m gonna say...

Spud: *dweeby, squeaky-voiced Sloppy impression* “I loved it!!”

Sloppy: I love mah slow burns, and maaan was this movie a sloowww-ass burn!

Spud: If it was Cameron Diaz and Leslie Mann talking about makeup for two hours, you would love it.

Sloppy: *laughs*

Spud: Dat slooowwww buurrrnnn.

Sloppy: As long as Jessica Chastain comes in at the end to scream at them. 

Spud: She’s so great in this.

Sloppy: She’s so good. Y’know what I really loved about this? Most gangster movies are about how everyone has that breaking point; everyone has a dark side. But this one’s so much more optimistic. There are good people in this world.

Spud: Even when he’s holding that gun to the thief’s eye, he has every reason to shoot him, but he’s like, “Nah, you can go. It’s a’ight.” I really liked that side of the movie. Except, the movie’s called A Most Violent Year, and there was like one or two deaths in this.

Sloppy: Yeah, well J.C. Chandor (writer/director) must have read somewhere that 1981 was New York’s year with the highest crime-rate, and decided to throw a decent man in the middle of that.

Spud: It’s more of a setting than a story.

Sloppy: Yep, Isaac’s just trying so hard to earn that money.

Spud: That why he couldn’t set it in 2015, because the guy would’ve just set up a Kickstarter. 

Sloppy: *laughs*

Spud: The Mexican kid in this movie... Julian. Man that guy had pouty lips.

Sloppy: Those lips quivered! Must’ve studied at Eddie Redmayne’s school of lip-quivering. Spud: Oh god, Redmayne... *Jupiter Ascending voice* “I buy oil...”

Spud & Sloppy: “...AND I SELL IT!!!”

*both laughing*

Spud: Seriously though, the movie feels like an original idea. The world of oil. Guys hijacking oil trucks.

Sloppy: It feels very fresh. And it’s not a shocking movie. It’s not a dark movie. It actually has quite an awesome message. Always take the high road; don’t let the world get to ya.

Spud: But it has very tense moments. I kept catching myself with my head in my hands. I just got a little tired of...

Sloppy: The room conversations.

Spud: The room conversations, yeah.

Sloppy: How ‘bout the look of the film? The colour? Beautiful. 

Spud: It has a distinct look. It does feel like 1980s New York.

Sloppy: I sat up in my seat every time there was a wide shot of the city. This guy – this J.C. Chandor – he knows how to shoot a movie. All those rich yellows... Mmmm... it was like watching a Lindt chocolate bar.

Spud: You talking about David Oyellowello?

Sloppy: *laughs* David Ollewello—awella-wella-wella-mm “Tell me more, tell me more!”

*both laughing*

Sloppy: What are you giving this movie?

Spud: I’m giving it a 7.5.

Sloppy: I really enjoyed the journey he took this character on, so for me it’s an 8.0. I think it’s Chandor’s best film yet.

Spud: He’s a cool director. I’m looking forward to what he does next. Chappie 2, hopefully. 

Sloppy: Man, what actor would say no to being in Chappie 2? I think Spielberg would get into acting to be in Chappie 2. 

Spud: And Martin Scorsese.

Sloppy: Blow the whole budget on those huge metal eyebrows, getting the mechanics right to get them wiggling.

Spud: *laughs* Making those huge glasses blink. “I am conscious. I am Martin.” 

Sloppy: *laughs* God, how did we get here...

[moviemunchtime]

Project Almanac - Munch to the Future

SCORES

Sloppy – 3.0/10

Spud – 3.0/10

Dumb teenagers do dumb things and we’re old and grumpy and Sloppy can’t believe Spud talked him into seeing this.

~

Spud: Firstly, let me say... I’m sorry.

Sloppy: Two dollars! It cost you two dollars to buy our tickets! I could’ve time traveled to being 8-years-old and bought a small, plastic Feraligatr figure for two dollars!! 

Spud: I didn’t know it was just gonna be white kids doing white-kid stuff.

Sloppy: The kids run on the stage with their favourite band and everyone’s just cool with it! There’s a line of believability, guys!! It was just embarrassing to watch. All I could see was the writer lying on a therapists couch.

Spud: That dialogue... “Oh my god, the light’s went out!” Hilarious. It’s like the writer was bullied as akid, so now he’s sitting at his working desk: “Ooohhh, if I could go back! The things I could’ve been! I’d get the hot girl!”

Sloppy: Some of the lines in this movie... “Wow David, you’re like a superhero!” And it does not give one single fahk about logic. Like, there are movies with plot holes, and sometimes you can look past them. But this one shows you its plot holes – shoves them in your face – and hopes you turn the other way.

Spud: They’re creating so many versions of themselves! We see them!

Sloppy: But they hope you don’t question how these characters are sneaking around ALL these versions of themselves they’re creating. I mean, are they killing them?? What’s going on there?? The good things I can say is that I enjoyed his friends Christie, Sam and Adam. They were fine.

Spud: Yeah, I enjoyed Adam. But Christie was that pretty blonde chick who we’re supposed to believe has no friends and gets bullied. That never happens.

Sloppy: And why would "the hottest and most popular girl in school" be sitting alone at lunch— 

Spud: --doing her homework.

Sloppy: And no, I’m sorry, you DO NOT take your camera to the hospital where your best friend lies in a coma.

Spud: That’s the thing. There’s so reason for this to be a found-footage movie. There’s no reason. At all. 

Sloppy: It’s just a gimmick. And how long was it before they started time-travelling?

Spud: I swear to god it was like 45-minutes. The movie started at about 9:35.

Sloppy: I checked my phone. It was exactly 10:20 when they time-travelled for the first time. Ridiculous.

Spud: Half the movie was, “Ooh, we need nitrogen! Ooh, we need hydrogen! Ooh, now we need—“

Sloppy: GAAHH! Skip it! Just skip all that! Who cares?!

Spud: Back to the Future, they cover all that in under twenty minutes.

Sloppy: I felt so old watching this... First time I was consciously aware of this – when all the male characters are saying how hot one of the girls are, but all I see is some baby-faced child.

Spud: And how they thought it was so fun retaking that science quiz like ten times. That just wasn’t fun for anyone.

Sloppy: “Yo, teach! That’s how y’do it dawg!”

Spud: “That’s how it is! Boom!” Whitest kid alive. “I’m gonna have sex with all these pretty girls! WoOOoAaaAH!” God. So what you gonna give the ol’ Project Almanac?

Sloppy: It’s hard, I shouldn’t have been sitting in that cinema.

Spud: It’s just not for us.

Sloppy: You know that not even a speck of me was, “Yeah, you know, I’ll check out Almanac.” It’s the last movie I should be sitting down to watch. I had no right to be there.

Spud: But you gotta rate it based on your experience, not others... 

Sloppy: Look, it’s stupid as shit.

Spud: Even if it is for kids younger than us, kids should be watching better shit than this. I’m just sayin’, holy crap.

Sloppy: I can see 14-year-olds watching this going, “Yeeaaahh man, farkin’ lollapalooozaaaa!” 

Spud: “Lollapalooza wahs sah gr8!”

Sloppy: “Sah sick!” 3.0

Spud: Yep, 3.0.

Sloppy: This movie lives in a world where everyone has a camera ready. There’s a huge jumbo plane going down – ON FIRE – and someone’s standing there, ready with a camera to get a nice close-up. It crashes, massive explosion, and he’s walking towards it, zooming-in. Perfectly stable shot.

Spud: Man, that was Jake Gyllenhaal on the scene. 

Sloppy: *laughs and claps* Well done.

[cinemagal]

The 87th Academy Awards Winners

[moviemunchtime]

Kingsman: The Secret Service - Munch Another Day (Full Spoiler Warning)

SCORES 

Sloppy: 9.0/10 

Spud: 9.0/10

A spy organisation recruits an unrefined, but promising street kid into the agency’s ultra-competitive training program just as a global threat—oh forget it. It’s Matthew Vaughn’s ultra-violent love letter to James Bond. See it.

~

Spud: Where to start.

Sloppy: At the beginning, when the building’s exploding. Those effects...

Spud: With the text coming out. I was like, “Oh no, this is going to be corny.”

Sloppy: Yeah a bit of me was, “Oh well, this is kinda cheesy...” But as it went on, and the music’s kicking in, I went, “No, Matthew Vaughn knows exactly what he’s doing here.”

Spud: He’s a genius. The moment it clicked for me—see, I was a bit iffy at the beginning ‘cos I couldn’t figure out what the tone was.

Sloppy: It’s odd at the start. It’s too serious.

Spud: It was really serious. But once it cuts to Mark Hamill in the ski resort, and the super- charming Bond-type walks in, the music’s all like “dee-neeooww!!” And then he gets cut in half. Ohhh, this movie!

Sloppy: And there’s that line, “I’ve always thought today’s spy films were too serious.” You tell ‘em, Matthew Vau—nah, but Skyfall—you tell ‘em!!

Spud: By the end, it pretty much becomes a Roger Moore Bond film, with the mountain base...

Sloppy: And it still does the dumb things these movies used to do. Like when there’s ten badguys shooting at the hero, and they’re all in this tight hallway, but they’re all missing. I can see people going, “This is dumb.” But, I dunno, I think it’s intentional. It totally worked for me.

Spud: And Samuel Jackson playing this not-at-all menacing bad guy. He’s kinda laughable. It was fun.

Sloppy: I actually thought the bad guy and his plot were really clever. If that was in a Bond film today, I’d be all for it.

Spud: It was a really cool idea.

Sloppy: Even the spy school. All that stuff was really great!

Spud: The dog. I loved that dog.

Sloppy: Oh yeah. “Let’s get every girl squeeching in their seats.”

Spud: I loved how he was such an unlikely hero. He’s the last person you’d expect to be this charming, extremely likeable guy.

Sloppy: It worked well because of the stepfather story. Spud: It had legit tense moments. Like when the mum’s hacking through the door to get to the baby. That was intense!

Sloppy: That was super intense!

Spud: That was, holy shit.

Sloppy: That’s the thing. It was a very funny satire and, at the same time, a genuinely good, tense spy movie.

Spud: Yeah! Like when they shoot Colin Firth, ‘coz I’m thinking, “Well, if you want this to be a franchise, then of course you keep Colin Firth.” Nup. Shot him in the face.

Sloppy: It’s brilliant because, if this will be a franchise, what an amazing origin movie this is. 

Spud: It was the best world. The idea of a gentleman club being a spy agency. All the gadgets..

Sloppy: Oh my god, the tech! That’s the one thing people missed in Skyfall – the lack of cool technology. This made me think, “Yeah, why aren’t they doing that in the Bond films anymore?”

Spud: Can we just talk bulletproof umbrella. Sloppy: And it’s see-through. Spud: And a gun. The best thing. Sloppy: They have the knife in the shoe, the poison in the pen, but it all still works! It’s still fun! 

Spud: The final showdown with Leg Girl. Everything with her was incredible.

Sloppy: Leg Girl. It was so satisfying. We get lots of people getting chopped up by her metal legs, in slow-mo. I was completely satisfied.

Spud: It was fahkin’ great. And what about Colin Firth.

Sloppy: There’s a movie I love called A Single Man, where Firth plays a gay man. Whenever I show that movie to a friend, they all say the same thing when it’s over: “I didn’t know Colin Firth was gay.” And that’s how I felt after Kingsman. “Man, I really need to check all the other great action films Colin Firth’s been doing.”

Spud: *laughs* He’s amazing!

Sloppy: Why hasn’t this been a thing?!

Spud: It’s his first action scene ever, if you exclude his one in Bridget Jones’ Diary.

Sloppy: Hey! We ain’t excluding shit.

Spud: Beating up Hugh Grant in a fountain. Who can forget it? It’s a classic.

Sloppy: *laughs* He did 80% of his own stunts. (Editor’s Note: The boys have done their research.)

Spud: That first fight scene, in the pub – you can tell that’s all him. And it’s so fahkin’ cool. 

Sloppy: Okay, maybe I’m a bit crazy because I loved it too much, but the fight scenes... the way they were done...

Spud: Say it.

Sloppy: I haven’t quite... seen... anything like that.

Spud: Yep. Nothing I’d ever seen before. It was kinda slow-motion, but it wasn’t.

Sloppy: *claps* Thank you! I thought I was going a bit bonkers.

Spud: It’s all in real-time, but he does these quick zoom-ins.

Sloppy: It was like the movie was slowing down for half-a-second every time someone got hit. It gave it this cool comic-book feel, where the focus is on every punch.

Spud: That’s exactly it. Umm, and what about the scene everyone was disappointed in? The exploding heads?

Sloppy: WHAT?!

Spud: Every review I’ve read has mentioned that as a disappointment.

Sloppy: I put down my water, pulled my feet up on the chair, put my head in my hands, because I know I was about to see the most glorious thing. And god it was glorious.

Spud: Oh thank god. Yeah, I loved that so much. These Technicolor fireworks!

Sloppy: It wasn’t gory. It wasn’t gross or tasteless. That would’ve have been anything special. They were this miniature Technicolor nuke-bombs.

Spud: Are we going to talk about that scene? Leaving it till the end.

Sloppy: The Church scene. I can only think of Scorsese and maybe some Tarantino moments where music, editing, choreography, camerawork, everything comes together to form this perfect dream bubble straight from a director’s mind.

Spud: It’s the best carnage I’ve ever seen in my life. From the moment it starts, when Firth goes, “Oh, fuck it.” It just goes. It goes and doesn’t stop. I can’t wait to see it again. Next week. I’m seeing it next week. I’m so jealous of my past-self, because right now my past-self is watching that scene.

Sloppy: *laughs* I haven’t been that blown away by a sequence since like... well, it reminds me of the dance-opening to Guardians of the Galaxy, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt jumping all about the hotel in Inception. I almost had tears in my eyes. It’s going to be very controversial, though.

Spud: It’s just a bit of fun. I mean, if you’re going to have a massacre in a church, it may as well be THAT church.

Sloppy: It’s Inglorious Basterds. He was just teasing a fantasy.

Spud: This movie was just unbelievably entertaining. I think, when I see it again, I’ll love it even more, because I’ll know what to expect. It’s such a shame Colin Firth won’t be in the next one.

Sloppy: Hopefully someone else will pick him up for another action movie. 

Spud: Let’s make him the next Liam Neeson.

Sloppy: *gasps* Whoo-whoo.

Spud: Calling it now.

Sloppy: A Liam Neeson and Colin Firth—

Spud: Buddy-cop action movie! CCAAWWWW!!!!

Sloppy: CAAAWWW!!!

Spud: The best thing!

Sloppy: Anyone reading this, please. Crowd-fund it. I’ll pay for the whole thing.

[killerlizardsfromouterspace]

[moviemunchtime]

Welcome home, Spidey.

[moviemunchtime]

The Theory of Everything - A Brief History of The Munch (Full Spoiler Warning)

SCORES

Sloppy: 8.5/10

Spud:8.5/10

A film about the relationship between the famous physicist Stephen Hawking and his wife. The boys must’ve missed the whole “Stephen Hawking” bit…

~

Sloppy: What we’re gonna do now is try prove that we’re not the same person with the same opinions.

Spud: Yes, okay. I hated Felicity Jones.

*the most uncomfortable silence*

Sloppy: . . . well.

Spud: Uh, I thought we were doing a back ‘n forth kinda thing.

Sloppy: Oh! Alright, um, well . . . I hated . . . um . . . no, sorry, I’m way too distracted by what you just said.

Spud: I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Bring back Felicity! She’s so beautiful!

Sloppy: SO beautiful! If Felicity Jones talked to me at a party, you would think that I was Stephen Hawking.

Spud: *laughs*

Sloppy: I’d be tripping all over myself. My speech would be all slow and slurred, “Y-y-youuu’re pree-prettyy.”

Spud: We’re making ALS jokes now?! This is a new low.

Sloppy: I’m complimenting her!

Spud: I’m not joining in. Gotta maintain my Spud-tegrity.

Sloppy: But she’s just—that smile!

Spud: Those eyes… that voice… Let’s just talk about Felicity Jones for an hour then call it.

Sloppy: I’m sitting there for the first 20 minutes of the film going, “This is a nine. A nine-point-five. Look at her. Oh, now she’s in a dress. This is a ten.”

Spud: Which dress you talking about?

Sloppy: During the fireworks.

Spud: Yes. Yes.

Sloppy: My problem was that in the second hour of the movie, she became a bit of a grump.

Spud: Yeah well, to be fair, she was kinda sick of Stephen Hawking’s shit.

Sloppy: *laughs* She didn’t know she had to deal with him for that long.

Spud: Only signed up for two years.

Sloppy: And I don’t care what disease you have, if you’re married to Felicity Jones—

Spud: —you’re gonna pull through. We gotta stop making this all about Felicity Jones.

Sloppy: Let’s talk about someone else in the movie. Um . . .

Spud: Who was it about again?

Sloppy: Well that’s my gripe with this movie. It focused on her too much in that second half.

Spud: At the start, they set it up to be about Stephen’s goal to find the theory of everything.

Sloppy: Definitely, sure.

Spud: And as it goes on, we get less and less of his science and less of his achievements. He says a line, “I’m gonna write a book” which happens to be a huge bestseller, and they don’t even mention that. They don’t mention it was sitting on the bestsellers list for over 200 weeks in a row.

Sloppy: Yep, I completely agree. The script was a bad equation. They weren’t balancing the science with the soap opera stuff.

Spud: Boom. Too much soap.

Sloppy: When the new guy comes into their life (Jonathan Jones) you know exactly what will happen and think it’ll all be done in the next twenty minutes.

Spud: And it’s the rest of the movie. I mean, of course they’re gonna get together.

Sloppy: Stephen Hawking didn’t seem too surprised, either. He’d figured it out pretty quickly.

Spud: They think it’s such a huge moment, when she goes back into the church for him, and when Stephen tells her he’s leaving with Elaine.  

Sloppy: But it’s not.

Spud: It’s not.

Sloppy: And I only found out afterwards that he married Elaine! Why omit that from the movie?! That would’ve made me the happiest person!

Spud: Yeah, let’s not see him finding someone who loves him for who he is now, not who he was.

Sloppy: It makes no sense.

Spud: And they end it with that awkward scene with the queen, followed by an awkward conversation in the garden.

Sloppy: The movie is so British. For some reason they think meeting the Queen is Hawking’s greatest achievement – great enough to end the movie on. It fell flat for me.

Spud: So flat. But! The acting was incredible. Felicity Jones crying when they break up, that was very moving.

Sloppy: And Eddie Redmayne…

Spud: Performance of the year.

Sloppy: How do you do that?

Spud: How. The way he did the slow deterioration…

Sloppy: It was very brave. They even got to the point where the audience couldn’t understand what he was saying. That made him getting the electronic voice so much more powerful.

Spud: I also really enjoyed the scenes with Harry Lloyd.

Sloppy: The most British guy on the planet.

Spud: And the most charming.

Sloppy: “Sod off you soggy, flaky, biscuit, crumb, old fellow!”

Spud: *laughs*

Sloppy: British oozing out of every pore.

Spud: The movie is pretty much The Imitation Game but featuring a different famous person. Even the tall, dark, charming best friend. It has the same story beats. Except, what I think I liked more about Imitation Game was that it did focus on the guy’s achievements. At least we had a sense of everything he’s accomplished.

Sloppy: I agree. When I left the movie, I still felt like I had to look Hawking up on Wikipedia and do some reading.

Spud: Yep, I did that. It needed another half-hour. I mean, his decision to disprove his own theory—

Sloppy: That’s fantastic!

Spud: And it’s just this throwaway line.

Sloppy: To get a laugh.

Spud: That’s huge, and so interesting! Look, there are still so many great things about this movie. The acting being number one, I reckon.

Sloppy: Acting was the best, I think the cinematography was beautiful, and the director gave us some great shots. The coffee—how do you get that?

Spud: With the cream? I know, that was great. The movie had such a nice look to it. We gotta keep a close eye on this director.

Sloppy: A good keen eye on him.

Spud: Him and Redmayne and Felicity Jones.

Sloppy: This Eddie Redmayne, he could be...

Spud: One of the big ones. I hope he gets the Oscar for this.

Sloppy: Hands down. Not even a competition. I think this is an 8.5, and comes a little bit above Imitation Game for me, only because of Miss Jones.

Spud: For me it’s a little below Imitation Game, because that movie felt more sure of itself. Still an 8.5, because of the acting, and that incredible first hour.

Sloppy: A spellbinding first hour. Did I mention Felicity Jones?

Spud: Not yet, no.

Sloppy: What you may not know about me, I’m also crazy in love with Emily Watson, so when she turns up as Jane Hawking’s mother… well that made all the sense.

Spud: Emily Watson? That grouch face?

Sloppy: GROUCH FACE?!??!!

Spud: Look at her IMDb photo. Tell me that’s not a grouch face.

Sloppy: No man, look—no Emily Watson jokes. That’s a new low. I’m not joining in. Review over.

[moviemunchtime]

Foxcatcher - Call Me The Golden Munch... Or John. (Full Spoiler Warning)

SCORES

Sloppy: 9.5/10

Spud: 8.5/10

The greatest Olympic Wrestling Champion brother team joins Team Foxcatcher led by multimillionaire sponsor John E. du Pont as they train for the 1988 games in Seoul – a union that leads to unlikely circumstances.

~

Sloppy: *moaning* Do we have to do this?

Spud:Yes we do.

Sloppy: But I’m so afraid…

Spud:Why? Because you loved it?

Sloppy: . . . . . . . . . yeah.

Spud: There it is.

Sloppy: *cowardly whine*

Spud: (Doing a sloppy Sloppy impression) “It was a beautiful movie, man. I really liked all the shots of the snow. And I really like when Steve Carell stares at things, it was really symbolic.”

Sloppy: . . . . . . . . . yeah

Spud: “And I liked how they never used sound. The silence really added to the tension”—get your dick out your hands.

Sloppy: You know I’m a Simon & Garfunkel fan.

Spud: Hmm.

Sloppy: And there’s that joke.

Spud: Well have I told you . . . I really liked it, too.

Sloppy: WhooOOaaAAaAHHhhHH!!! *collapses*

Spud: *laughs*

Sloppy: Oh… phew… oh god… oh man… that’s the biggest weight off my chest…

Spud: It is the slowest of burns, though.

Sloppy: That’s what I thought. I know you and your slow burns.

Spud: This is gonna be the difference between my rating and yours.

Sloppy: That sausage better be nice and crispy and taste delicious at the end of this slow burn.

Spud: That was exactly it. Halfway through I’m thinking, “Man, this better pay off.” And it all did with that amazing, fantastic, just leap-out-your-seat, what-the-fahk ending. Did you know the story before you went in?

Sloppy: I knew that he killed someone. I didn’t know who.

Spud: See, I had no idea. I thought this was just a wrestling movie. And when it happened, my heart stop. I mean, holy shit.

Sloppy: There’s that moment when – and this was when I knew this movie was gonna be one for the books – when he’s a the shooting range, the day after “wrestling” with his boys.

Spud: And they run past him.

Sloppy: They’re interrupting him, sort of half-mocking him. And as he stares at them you hear five gunshots—one for each man. Were you getting a hint that this was all leading up to something big?

Spud: I just got a feel of the ol’ menace. It didn’t go over my head, but I didn’t think he was actually going to kill Mark Ruffalo, in his driveway. Isn’t that the most visceral death you’ve ever seen?

Sloppy: It was so intense. And the wife comes out the house and du Pont immediately points the gun at her, ready to fire. No hesitation. What a disturbed man.

Spud: I loved all the insight into his backstory. Like, the scene where he’s trying to impress his mum with the wrestling. *shudders*

Sloppy: I couldn’t be cringing harder. Oh my god. He makes them all sit down, then shows them the most basic move because it’s the only one he knows.

Spud: Yeeesh.

Sloppy: He gets down on the floor and tells the guy to get on top of him—aaeeuughh. I can’t.

Spud: It was so bad. Yeugh. And when he’s wrestling the old guy and you see Channing Tatum pay the guy off after.

Sloppy: The look on that old dude’s face. “Just get me out of here.” And du Pont’s having the best time.

Spud: So uncomfortable.

Sloppy: I looked up the writers on IMDb and—can I dollop some history on you?

Spud: Dollop it on me. Dollop it all over my—um, yeah go on.

Sloppy: . . . No, go ahead and finish that joke.

Spud: *laughs*

Sloppy: No, no. If you have a winner, say it.

Spud: What was that about the writers?

Sloppy: *laughs* One of the writers (E. Max Frye) has only written two projects before this. Capote and a story arc for In Treatment. What’s really interesting is that that arc is about the main character (a psychotherapist) seeing a therapist for himself.

Spud: Ahhh, that’s cool. He has a knack for picking people’s brains.

Sloppy: Yeah, he knows how to write people and reveal things about them that you just don’t want to see. He goes too deep!

Spud: No fear. He’s going deeper than Channing Tatum’s blonde highlights.

Sloppy: *laughs* It’s the cringiest movie, but in the best way. My brain was going a mile-a-minute throughout every scene. There was so much going on.

Spud: When he wears that golden jumpsuit.

Sloppy: *claps* That jumpsuit. With the eagle behind him, too. I was laughing so hard.

Spud: Steve Carell. The fahk.

Sloppy: The performances – that’s a whole other rant.

Spud: Save that for later.

Sloppy: The other scene I just adored is when they’re in the chopper. You’re thinking, “Ooh, this is a big deal..” And they get there, du Pont’s going around introducing Mark to everyone, but no one cares about who they are. You end up thinking, “Why the hell is Mark giving a speech anyway?”

Spud: And Mark gets that call, “I’m calling on behalf of Mr. du Pont.” And his response is, “Who?”

Sloppy: Do we ever see him actually coaching these guys?

Spud: No.

Sloppy: Not once.

Spud: Channing Tatum was amazing, I thought. When du Pont tells Mark he’s bringing his brother over, Mark’s all, “I don’t wanna see my brother.”

Sloppy: He has no idea how to express emotions. He immediately storms off and cuts his hair. He’s like a baby gorilla.

Spud: And Mark Ruffalo shows up and he’s just the sweetest, least-threatening guy. Channing Tatum definitely deserves more recognition.

Sloppy: I think he deserves an Oscar nomination, but that’s just me. It’s a Silver Linings Playbook moment, realising Channing Tatum can do anything now. Action, Drama--

Spud: Comedy!

Sloppy: I’m really interested, what are you rating it?

Spud: As much as I can appreciate how the slowness helps the story, it doesn’t mean I wasn’t bored during those scenes. I give it an 8.5.

Sloppy: I found it fascinating. The characters were the most fun to analyse. For me, it’s one of the best movies of the year. 9.5.

Spud: We haven’t talked about Steve Carell! He’s just… how does he do it?

Sloppy: You completely forget he ever played likeable people. He disappears. What’s he gonna do next??

Spud: He’ll be the next Bond villain.

Sloppy: Idris Elba as Bond. Steve Carell as the villain.

Spud: Mark Ruffalo as the Bond girl.

Sloppy: *laughs* Yes please. Someone make that movie right now.

[moviemunchtime]

American Sniper - 360 Munch-Scope (Full Spoiler Warning)

(Editor’s Note: Tonight, on a very special MunchTime…)

SCORES

Sloppy: 8.5/10

Spud: 8.0/10

Navy SEAL sniper Chris Kyle’s pinpoint accuracy saves countless lives on the battlefield and turns him into a legend. Back home to his wife and kids after four tours of duty, however, Chris finds that it is the war he can’t leave behind.

 ~

Sloppy: I can’t believe this came out of Clint Eastwood’s old, crinkly, brain.

Spud: His old, crinkly, right wing, Republican…

Sloppy: *laughs* He’s not even hiding it anymore.

Spud: Owner of a billion guns. Hunter of all wild beasts living in his backyard. Impregnator of worried women.

Sloppy: Convincing them the Arabs are out to get us.

Spud: Maybe the movie’s quite a bit racist.

Sloppy: But goddamn that directing. Like, it could’ve just been the most gung-ho, “fahk-yeah America!” movie we’ve ever seen. But it was so intense!! Edge of your seat!

Spud: It probably still is the most gung-ho, “fahk-yeah America” movie I’ve ever seen, BUT! He knows what he’s doing with those action scenes.

Sloppy: I’ve never seen a movie from him that’s as full-out action as this, right? Has he?

Spud: Umm, it reminded me a little of Jersey Boys.

Sloppy: *laughs*

Spud: I mean, he made them in the same year, so I can understand…

Sloppy: God, he did, didn’t he. I can tell which bucket he was sinking that time and money into.

Spud: On one set there’s, “Myyyy giiiirlll!” And the other—

Sloppy: Sand storms. Drills to the head.

Spud: The most beautiful Arabian, Olympian, parkour, superhuman sniper …

Sloppy: Look, okay, let me defend the man of the hour. I’m defending this beautiful Arabian sniper god who can be in any location at any time.

Spud: He’s just a phone call away, man. He’ll give ya his business card.

Sloppy: *laughs* Okay, so bear with me. This is actually what I felt in the movie while watching it. I know how it’s gonna sound…

Spud: Okay.

Sloppy: I thought the Arabian sniper god was symbolic of Bradley Cooper thinking he could go up against things in the war that were bigger than him. The guy was a symbol of Cooper’s addiction. And at the end, when he chooses to take that 2000 yard shot even though his team’s telling him, “Don’t do this, you’ll fahk us all,” -- that’s the breaking point. He’s consumed by the addiction and makes that fatal mistake.

Spud: Holy shit man, that’s a good interpretation.

Sloppy: Eastwood makes intelligent movies. I don’t think it was JUST for cool sniper v. sniper battles sake.

Spud: Now, here’s my big question. There are things in this movie that are pretty racist. There’s 5-10 minutes spent on every American death, but a-second for each Arabian one. The villain with the drill, who has limbs all chopped up in his house. You never see the good side of the Arabs. So here’s the question. Is it Clint Eastwood painting these people as savages, or is it him portraying Chris Kyle’s point of view, so it has to be all exaggerated and one-sided?

Sloppy: Well… I can’t speak for other people, only for myself. I don’t need a movie to tell me, “There’s also good Iraqi people” for me to think “there’s also good Iraqi people.”

Spud: I’ve read articles about the surge of racist tweets since the movie’s come out, and how people are clapping and cheering when Arabs die in the film. That shit’s terrifying.

Sloppy: it’s terrifying, but do you honestly think Clint Eastwood was sitting in his director’s chair like, “Yes, the American people will finally know of these savage Arabs!! I hope the people rise up and beat Muslims in the streets!”

Spud: No, but it still comes off that way! He should’ve put something more in there, like shown that they are normal people. They’re good and decent people.

Sloppy: I think the idiots coming out the movie with racist thoughts had a racist bone in their body long before the movie. If a kid shoots someone in the street, and you find out he was a big Grand Theft Auto fan – do you blame Rockstar? Or is the blame on his upbringing and what surrounds him for creating his broken sense of what’s right and wrong?

Spud: Yeah, it’s tough. But the movie felt a bit like a video game. At points it was like I was watching Call of Duty.

Sloppy: I watched this movie just looking for a well-told story about a man who was broken by war.

Spud: Everything about his post-traumatic stress was phenomenal. Everything back at home was insane.

Sloppy: It was incredible. It was such a tight movie.

Spud: Bradley Cooper in a redefining role.

Sloppy: How do you get those looks in your eyes?!

Spud: I know! That look he did when he’s told his friend died, when his eyes just twitch. Or the one in the car dealership!! And when he runs into his brother!!

Sloppy: He was such a three-dimensional character, and it was all in the eyes!

Spud: When he attacks the dog! There were so many incredible scenes.

Sloppy: Amazing. It’s the best war movie I’ve seen since The Hurt Locker. The best Eastwood movie since Mystic River.

Spud: I’m so conflicted over the “propaganda” feel of the movie… But I’ve been thinking – it’s from the point of view of the character. He’s all messed up because his experiences in the war were messed up.

Sloppy: I think you just hit it. You’re absolutely right. These are his experiences – very unfortunate experiences – that made him the man he was. It’s not a documentary about the war in Iraq. It’s a story about this one man.

Spud: And sure, the movie is crazy gung-ho, “hell-yeah America!” but… so is America.

Sloppy: Aaaaah. Well done.

Spud: *laughs* There’s a lot of backlash against the real Chris Kyle, and how the movie doesn’t bring up things about him. I don’t know if that’s fair, because this is a version of him.

Sloppy: That’s exactly what I say. If you want to go deeper and learn more, everyone’s more than happy for you to pick up the book and read the interviews. This movie takes something from his story.

Spud: It’s about post-traumatic stress disorder. It’s not actually about, “Oh cool, look how great a sniper he was.”

Sloppy: Yep, exactly.

Spud: I wanted to say something else, I’m trying to think…

Sloppy: Say something funny! Please!!

Spud: *laughs* I liked the ending! I liked his wife closing the door as she looks at the man who’s going to kill her husband. The movie robbed us of having that—well, Chris Kyle probably thought he’d get a heroic death.

Sloppy: It was an unfair death. It didn’t make any sense. The man was mentally disturbed. It’s very sad. Anyway, good on Clint Eastwood. 85 and pumps out a movie like this.

Spud: It was very gripping. Emotionally gripping.

Sloppy: Bradley Cooper deserves every nomination he’s getting.

Spud: ALL OF THEM!

Sloppy: I loved it so much.

Spud: You’re signing up to the SEALS tomorrow.

Sloppy: Yes!

Spud: I would pay money to see you go through that initial training. The guy with the hose, screaming at you. I’d pay to watch you go through that.

Sloppy: *laughs* I’d just be screaming right back at him, “WAAAAGHHH!! WAAHH!!!”

Spud: “NO! OH GOD!! COLD WATER!!!” *laughs*

Sloppy: I looked up the standards the army expects from soldiers, like fitness-wise. I’d fail. They wouldn’t use me.

Spud: They can use me for emergency rations.

Sloppy: *laughs* “We’re running out of sandbags… Where’s that Spud kid?”

Spud: *laughs* Oh no.

[moviemunchtime]

Paper Planes - Munch, Munch and Away!

SCORES

Spud:7.5/10

An imaginative children’s film about a young Australian boy’s passion for flight and his challenge to compete in the World Paper Plane Championships in Japan.

~

Sloppy: Let’s talk about something delightful.

Spud: Let’s talk about the Australian film industry finally giving us something fun.

Sloppy: *sings* Let’s talk about planes, baby. Let’s talk about planes and me.

Spud: *joining in* Let’s talk about which Australian kid is gonna take over Hollywood.

Sloppy: Yeah!

Spud: Ed Oxenbould!

Sloppy: The uprising!

Spud: He was in that Steve Carrel movie (Editor’s Note: Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Title Choice) and now this. He’s going places.

Sloppy: Wow. He’s profilic . . . is that the word?

Spud: Prolific.

Sloppy: Prolific. I’m tired. I’m gonna munch on these macadamias.

Spud: The thing about Paper Planes is it’s not just a dumb ol’ stupid kids movie that parents have to sit through. It’s actually dealing with some pretty heavy stuff. Like Sam Worthington’s role, he’s a single widowed dad. His wife died six-months ago, so he’s dealing with grief the whole movie.

Sloppy: *mouth full of macadamias* Oh boy…

Spud: It’s completely immobilised him, he can’t get off the couch, he goes through these horrible mood swings.

Sloppy: Would you say he can’t . . . fly? That’s he’s lost his . . . wings?

Spud: Eyy, there you go.

Sloppy: Okay, so – there’s a moment in the trailer where this CG rocket goes flying over their heads.

Spud: *laughs*

Sloppy: My question is, how much of that’s in the movie? If I do decide to see it, how many CG-rocket moments am I going to get?

Spud: *laughs* That’s the only moment.

Sloppy: Phew!! Biggest sigh of relief.

Spud: You know what you do get? You get the most evil child-villain Australia has ever brought to the Australian screen.

Sloppy: YES! I love that stuff! Dicky kids!

Spud: It’s so funny. He’s such a little fahk! He calls his dad by his first name. He pushes a kid down the stairs…

Sloppy: Perfect.

Spud: He’s so cocky. It’s amazing. All the greasy stares, it’s so much fun.

Sloppy: *gasp* You’re saying good things.

Spud: And the fat kid you saw in the trailer -- he’s hilarious. He’s genuinely so funny, this little kiwi kid. Right at the start, the main character walks into the classroom with his Nokia phone, playing Snake. All his friends are on their iPhones and 3DS’s and stuff. And then the Māori kid stands up, points at the main character and goes, “Oi. Nice phone, Dylan. Did you get a call from 1997?”

Sloppy: *laughs*

Spud: I’m just, “This caaahnt!”

Sloppy: *laughs* I’m won over.

Spud: It’s a cute movie. The thing is, it’s full of cheeze. It’s dripping with cheeze. The most grilled-cheezey sandwich.

Sloppy: And you know I’m lactose intolerant.

Spud: Nah mate, just take your Lacteeze. That’s what I did.

Sloppy: *laughs* So what kid of cheeze? Swelling music as the kid hugs his dad?

Spud: Yeah, there’s lots of that. But the kids will love it. There’s a scene where the kid takes his grandpa to a World War 2 museum, and they have this pretend dogfight. Everything goes black-and-white, the war music comes on…

Sloppy: Ohh, yeah-yeah-yeah.

Spud: Yeah, you know… But the grandpa’s actually a fun character. He’s a playboy at his retirement home. When they have to raise money for the kid’s ticket to Japan, the grandpa shows up with all these grannie biddies on his arms.

Sloppy: *laughs*

Spud: And “my milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard” is playing in the background. How’d they get that song? That must’ve been the whole budget.

Sloppy: Would’ve had the biggest fight in the producer’s office to get it. “I need the song, man! It’s gonna bring the whole thing together, man! This is my vision!”

Spud: *laughs*

Sloppy: Australia doing their portrayal of a Japanese paper planes competition must’ve been hilarious.

Spud: There was a ceremonial cutting of the paper, and they used a samurai sword.

Sloppy: Brilliant. Those subtle stereotypes.

Spud: What I did love though is that the kid doesn’t fall for that pretty, white, Aussie chick with beach-blonde hair as she comes out of the surf wearing her 6-year-old’s one-piece swimsuit, you know. He falls in love with the Japanese girl.

Sloppy: That’s the Australian way. We make fun of everything, but it’s because we secretly love it.

Spud: It’s because we’re better.

Sloppy: *laughs*

Spud: You know who’s in this? David Wenham! Fahkin’ Faramir!

Sloppy: David Wenham! You always like him. He made Van Helsing sort of—it’s like the one stop-off on a six-hour road trip. Just like, “Ahhhh, David Wenham.”

Spud: “Ah good, he’s here.”

Sloppy: “Give us an ice-cream.”

Spud: It’s like I, Frankenstein. “Ahhhh, Bill Nighy.”

Sloppy: “Ahh, thank you. Y’got some water there? Yeah, I’ll have some of that. Cheers.”

Spud: One last thing I wanted to say. All Paper Planes needed to do was supervise their Foley artist. Every time there’s a scene with people clapping, it’s just this crowded stadium going crazy. “WHaaAaa! WoOOoOO!!”

Sloppy: *laughs* You hear Beyonce singing Amazing Grace.

Spud: *laughs* There are gripes, but it’d just be mean of me to list them what. For what it is, it was lots of fun.

Sloppy: I didn’t know it was based on a true story.

Spud: Yeah, the actual guy was credited in the movie as “paper plane consultant”.

Sloppy: . . . wow. Were the planes mental? Like, were they cool? Did any have machine guns on them?

Spud: *laughs* Yeah the evil kid jumps in his own plane and starts mowing them down.

Sloppy: Yeeesss!