New blog. Just started writing fics (mostly Marvel, especially Yondu at the moment). Some NSFW.
Masterpost is pinned. And here’s also a link to a list of my Fav Fics from other authors because the tumblr tag search feature is crap and I wanted to actually be able to find them when I want to read them. Feel free to browse as well.
Here's a list of some stuff I've written. So far it's mostly for Yondu from Guardians of the Galaxy.
Yondu:
How Bad Do Ya Need It? (NSFW) - Yondu walks in while you’re having some “Me time”
Time of Your Life (NSFW) - You are a call-girl on Contraxia and Yondu is your new client.
Intoxicating Discovery, Fantasies Fulfilled (NSFW) - Yondu discovers that he can smell Terran arousal, and finds this new revelation very interesting.
Welcome Surprises (NSFW) - Yondu comes back after a job and decides to surprise you with something fun he picked up while he was away.
Imagine 1 - Imagine you get roped into a game of truth or dare with the Guardians.
Imagine 2 (NSFW) - Imagine you’re the first Terran Yondu has been with, and the first time you have sex with him he discovers a certain special spot that becomes his new favorite thing to play with.
Imagine 3 (NSFW) - Imagine Yondu brings you to his quarters after you’ve been teasing him all day.
Kraglin:
Quiet (NSFW) - Yondu is giving orders to a group of Ravagers on a job at night, so Kraglin decides to have some risky fun with you in the dark.
Peter Quill:
Needs (NSFW) - Peter accidentally catches you taking care of your “needs” and you are super embarrassed about it, but what happens when you accidentally walk in on him later?
"Fuck, Peter!" (NSFW : Peter/Gamora) - Peter is giving Gamora the time of her life
Multi:
Sharing the Pleasure (NSFW) - Reader has some "fun" with Gamora and Mantis.
And here's also a link to a list of my Fav Fics from other authors. (Made because the tumblr tag search feature is crap and I wanted to actually be able to find them when I want to read them. Feel free to browse as well.)
Nandor/Reader (Slow burn) Nadja finds what you've been hiding- she's... pretty unhappy about it.
Warnings: Slow burn- eventual NSFW, Smut (but not in this chapter)
The vampires had been invited next door for a "Superb Owl" party, which you gathered was their misinterpretation of "Superbowl" but a shake of Guillermo's head told you it wasn't worth correcting your masters on the matter. He'd already tried.
As far as Guillermo, he was tasked with finding virgins for the vampires to dine on when they came home. He opted to go alone, providing your excuse for you by assuming you needed to catch up on chores from the previous night.
You didn't argue, glad you'd have some time alone.
However, in all this time to yourself you managed to get so caught up on your chores, that you managed to get ahead. This left you with so much free time over the next couple days that you were unable to use your chores as an excuse to avoid leaving the house.
This resulted in you accompanying everyone else on a hunt, which began normally enough, but somehow ended with you covered head-to-toe in someone else's blood when Nadja got a little too excited in a back alley.
By the end of the night you were beyond ready to just take a shower and go to bed.
Unfortunately for you, Nadja also wasn't much one for personal space.
When the water finally ran clear and you were sure you'd gotten all the blood out of your hair you stepped out of the shower to dry off. However, right as you were reaching for a towel Nadja bursts in the bathroom asking if you'd seen where Dolly had gone.
Startled and naked, you pull the towel in to cover your front and turn around to face her, exclaiming, "Mistress!"
You weren't sure if you were really expecting an apology, but you also weren't expecting the silence that followed, or her to abruptly close the bathroom door, leaving the cameramen outside.
From their perspective the door appeared to close on it's own, and for all intents and purposes it did. Nadja had frozen in place right before it shut, locking the two of you away from view. Well, aside from the hidden camera in the smoke detector which pointed toward the mirror, anyway.
In the bathroom, Nadja's face was stony.
"Mistress?" you ask, now worried she was upset with you for somewhat scolding her.
"What has happened to you?" Her voice held a hard edge. Low and angry.
Unsure you had heard her, confusion filled your eyes. "Mistre-" you begin, before enough shock finally wore off for you to remember what she would have seen on your naked form.
Nadja suddenly approaches you, grabbing you by the shoulders and turning you, as if afraid you might run away before she could take a better look. "What bastard donkey shit has laid a hand on you!"
"Mistress-!" is all you can manage to get out, willing her to lower her voice before anyone else came in.
Large patches of green laced with purple streaks covered your back, arms, and upper thighs. The bruises were days old and healing.
Nadja glared as she took in every mark. "Who!?" she demanded. "No one is allowed to harm my familiar! Who did this!?"
Tears welled in your eyes. "Mistress, please…" You attempt to pull from her hold but she instead spins you back to face her once again before pulling you close to her. Too close.
"How did this happen!? Who did this to you!? Do not make me ask again!"
Face now smooshed against her chest, you attempt speech, "Please…" you choke back a sob, "Please don't tell the others, Mistress."
You can feel Nadja sigh, and she's quiet for a moment. Finally she answers, "You have my word as a woman," she pulls you from her chest to look you in the eyes, "I will not speak a word of this to the others, as long as you promise to tell me how this happened."
Tears running down your face, you nod.
---
"I can not help but feel there is a sadness about Nadja and Laszlo's familiar." Nandor said in his talking head interview a couple days after Nadja had cornered you in the bathroom.
"I attempted to ask Guillermo, but he claimed he'd been so busy attempting to hunt virgins that he hadn't had the time to get into her personal life."
Camera cuts to a flashback of Guillermo saying exactly that, and looking quite stressed as he brushed his master off and rushed out the door.
Back to Nandor. "He was quite snippy with me… I wonder if I'm going to soft on him…" He frowns and looks into the distance for a moment before regaining his thoughts.
"Anyways, I don't want to ask the other vampires. Colin Robinson would no doubt bore me to death with pointless theories, and I don't want Nadja or Lazslo to think I am becoming too invested in their familiar- Oh! There she is now!" The last sentence was said much quieter, as if he were afraid you might hear him. He gestured out the door of the library to you dusting in the foyer.
Now whispering to the camera crew, "You see, look at her! Her eyes hold a sadness, and the way she carries herself tells of a burden! It is a pity to watch!"
The camera, however, cannot see any of what he describes. Your back has been facing them the entire time. The crew notice nothing concerning your posture while dusting.
One of the cameramen asks Nandor a question.
"What-?" he responds, seeming reluctant to take his eyes off you, but finally does. "No- I do not know what happened to Jerry. I did not even notice we got a new camera guy. Hello back there." He lets out a short chuckle and wave to the person behind the camera. "Maybe Nadja got hungry."
Cut to interview with Nadja. She's filing her nails and appears bored. "No. I have not seen this 'Terry' camera man you speak of. Maybe he ran away." She abruptly stands up. "I'm bored. I think I will go have sex with Lazslo now."
The camera then cuts to a strange clip, appearing to be from a phone flailing around as if it's owner is trying desperately to capture the moment but is being impeded in a struggle. The audio is hard to make out, but something is being snarled about the cameraman giving the wrong answer, and something else about "How dare you witness and withhold this information from me!" Suddenly Nadja's face comes sharply into focus, her expression one of disgust, before the phone is clearly chucked aside into the grass, face up. There is only screaming for the remainder of the clip.
Back to Nandor, the camera now shows him from afar having approached you in the foyer. Whatever he's saying is muffled, but it seems to have made you laugh- or at least smile, for the first time in days.
Nandor/Reader (Going to try a slow burn this time) There's something Reader needs to do, but she REALLY doesn't to. Surely it can't be that bad... right?
Warnings: Slow burn- eventual NSFW, Smut (but not in this chapter)
Aside from discovering that not only had all the ghost commotion from the previous night actually been real (and you'd missed it!) but also that somehow Nadja's ghost was now inhabiting a little porcelain doll, you had a largely uneventful day.
The day was mostly spent attempting to wrap your mind around how your mistress's ghost could be in a doll when she stood right in front of you- but in the end you just accepted it and promised Nadja that you wouldn't tell the guys about "Dolly."
Turns out this new development didn't really add anymore work to your chores either, as Nadja opted to keep Dolly to herself. This was fine by you, of course, as you weren't sure how you felt about a doll that could move on it's own- but perhaps you'd watched too many horror movies growing up.
Regardless of all that, you were starting to become increasingly aware that despite having only been in the house for little more than a week, you severely needed more clothes. You could only mix and match (and wash blood out of) the three outfits you had brought with you so many times.
You'd buy more, but you hadn't been paid yet. Guillermo had mentioned something about a bi-weekly paycheck, and something else about a delayed pay period. You supposed you could ask for an advance, but that felt too embarrassing, and you weren't even sure if you did ask that they'd grant you one. Asking your new coworker, Guillermo, if you could borrow money was a definite no given you didn't know each other. A not small part of you was also afraid of looking unprofessional, and you just really could not lose this job.
Well, that really only left one option, didn't it?
You were going to have to go back... there.
Just for a little bit. Ten minutes, fifteen tops. Just long enough to grab some clothes and then you'd be out of there and never need to return. Easy, right?
Still, it was the last thing you wanted to do- so you opted to put it off.
---
Begrudgingly, you woke up early the next day to make a, hopefully, quick afternoon trip to get your things and hoped you could make it back soon enough to get a few more hours of sleep before needing to tend to your masters.
An unnoticed cameraman was filming some daylight B-footage of the house when he saw you up in the middle of the day and decided to try and follow you.
The camera watches from the window as you hop into a cab, and runs out the door as it drives off. The shot switched from landscape to portrait mode upon exiting the door, as if the cameraman had ditched the professional camera for his iPhone for the purpose of easier stalking. The arm of the cameraman can be seen hailing another cab and then his muffled voice instructs his cabbie to follow yours.
Cut to a view from inside the cameraman's cab of you getting out in front of a cheap-looking apartment building. You walk in with your empty backpack over your shoulder, and the camera cuts to inside the building. The cameraman is following about 20 feet behind you as you navigate up the stairs and into a hallway.
At one point you turn around, clearly feeling followed, but the cameraman ducks back into the stairwell to avoid being seen.
Peeking again from the stairwell, the camera shows you looking around, appearing nervous, before entering one apartment near the end of the hall.
There's a time lapse of random traffic in the hallway before the footage slows to normal when a man turns into the hall from the other end and makes his way to the same apartment you had just gone in maybe 5 minutes prior.
He enters and after a couple minutes things start to get loud inside that apartment. Very loud. Something smashes to the floor, the man is yelling, but the words can't be made out. More smashing.
The camera slowly, unsurely, starts to move down the hall, closer to the apartment.
You start to scream. More crashing can be heard.
The camera jerks then starts to waver, as if the cameraman can't decide whether to get involved or not. Possibly questioning if his job was worth "not getting involved" or not.
Moments later, you crash out the door, running past the camera, not even noticing the cameraman was there. The camera attempts to chase after you, but you run out of the building and are lost before the cameraman can make it outside.
A cross-fade with the words "Two Hours Later" brings the next shot back to the house- and back into landscape mode. It's nearly sunset and you're quietly entering through the front door, the hood of your jacket pulled up hiding your face, clutching your notably full backpack to your chest.
The camera follows you from afar, watching you make your way to the bathroom, and cuts to the sounds of muffled cries through the closed door.
Another cross-fade with the words "One Hour Later" brings the next shot. Camera is now positioned 10 feet from left of the door, watching it open as you exit the bathroom, hood now down, with your backpack, which you then take to your room before greeting your masters.
---
"I'm a little worried about our new familiar." Nadja looks over to Laszlo next to her on the couch. "I mean, her work is still excellent as ever- but she's been very quiet."
Laszlo nods and says to the camera, "Yes, I've noticed as well," he turns back to Nadja, "but I wouldn't worry too much, my darling. Maybe she's going through her menstruation. You know how human females get."
Nadja slaps him on the chest and scolds him for being an idiot- one would think for the sexism, but instead she follows up with, "You silly donkey! We would smell the blood if she was on her mene!"
Lazslo frowns and strokes his beard a moment as he says, "Oh- I do believe you're right! I'm sorry, darling- how foolish of me."
The camera cuts to Colin Robinson sitting in his favorite chair drinking some coffee.
"Yeah, I noticed she's been acting weird, but I haven't seen much of her to be honest."
Multiple flashbacks appear of you avoiding not only the the cameras but everyone else, clearly more than you did before. In every shot you seem to be trying to keep to the more shadowy parts of the house to work in and if someone other than your masters walked by you ducked away.
Back to Colin, "Just as well. Her energy isn't as fun to drain lately. Too much anxiety. Don't know what that's about- couldn't give a darn."
The camera lowers to the floor before cutting away to Nandor and Guillermo.
"I'm not sure what's going on with her, she hasn't talked to me about anything," Guillermo says, half-frowning. "But yeah I've noticed she seems a little jumpy lately."
"Well, did you get the extra candles like I told you to?" Nandor asks him, accusingly.
"No, I-"
"I told you, Guillermo! I think she is frightened of the dark! And you've let this house fall into darkness!"
Another flashback, this time of you dusting in a darkened hallway, lit only from what light trickled out from the adjoining rooms. Nandor is walking past and attempts to say hello, but you jump out of your skin the second he opens his mouth.
Nandor immediately apologizes. "Oh! I am so sorry! I did not mean to frighten you!"
You shake your head, not meeting his eyes. "No, no, you're fine, I just- uh…"
Nandor immediately jumps to the wrong conclusion when you take half a second too long to explain. He gestures to the non-working light fixtures. "Oh! Silly me- I should have guessed! It must be because of the darkness! These hallways are too dark!"
Before you can correct him he's already walking off, yelling for Guillermo and ordering him to acquire some more candles for the hallways. You're left behind, just shaking your head and turning back away from the camera the second you notice it.
Back to Guillermo, he frowns. "Master, she's a grown woman. I really don't think she's afraid of the dark."
"Then explain why she's been so reluctant to leave the house at night?! Hm?? Last night she made many excuses to avoid accompanying us on our hunt!"
"Master, I think she just wanted to get ahead of Nadja's laundry."
A brief cut to you giving that exact excuse to Nadja and Lazslo, but them insisting you accompany them on the hunt anyway.
"No, silly Guillermo!" Nandor stood to gesture out the covered windows. "It's because of the darkness outside! She was like a skittish lamb the whole night." Becoming more serious, he continues, "I think you should take her out with you more on errands. Help to cure her of her fear of the dark. You can start with going out tonight to get more candles."
Guillermo sighs and just stares at the camera in annoyance.
The next shot is one of you and Guillermo from afar.
He's explaining to you that Nandor has convinced himself that you are afraid of the dark and he won't let it rest until you are "cured" of this fear. Before you can refute anything Guillermo is pleading for you to just go along with this. Go to the store with him tonight, then the two of you can return and claim you have miraculously been cured of your "fear of the dark."
You frown, and you're about to attempt an excuse for why you can't; something about having chores you need to finish for your masters, when Nadja, Laszlo, and Nandor all approach the two of you in the hall.
Now, a closer shot with the camera.
"Ah good! The two of you are already together!" Nadja exclaims with a clap of her hands before addressing you, specifically. "Nandor has told us why your behavior has been so odd recently. So, you are to go run errands with Guillermo, tonight."
Lazslo continued for her, "And you will continue to do so, each night, until you are no longer afraid of the dark." His voice held a finality. That was an order.
You start to protest, before realizing they would likely only take that as confirmation that you were, indeed, afraid of the dark- or worse, assume insubordination. You couldn't risk losing this job, not now.
Instead, you nod with a slight sigh of defeat. "Yes, masters."
Camera cuts to you and Guillermo walking to a corner store. You have the hood of your jacket up again, but it can be excused for the cold.
"You know I'm not actually afraid of the dark, right?"
"Yeah, I figured." Guillermo sounds mildly annoyed, but more towards the circumstances Nandor has placed him in than towards you.
"So... why do they think that?"
"No idea. Sometimes they just… get an idea in their heads and there's really no point in arguing. Easier to just play along."
Camera cuts again to the two of you inside the store.
Guillermo notices that not only have you left your hood up- which on it's own isn't that weird, but that you seem to be looking around each aisle as if afraid someone was out to get you. That, and you jumped at least twice when you happened to encounter someone else in the store. He pretended not to notice, but glanced at the camera with an expression of, 'Yeah, something is definitely weird with her.'
While checking out with a box of light bulbs you ask him, "Do you really think we can convince them after one trip?"
"Yeah. We just go home, say you're cured, and they'll forget about it by tomorrow."
"Really?"
Cut back to the mansion as you and Guillermo enter the house.
Guillermo announces to an empty foyer, "Guess who got over her fear of the dark... super quickly!"
You wince, but notice all four vampires coming from the direction of the fancy room. All appear excited, aside from Colin, who seems momentarily confused before that's overtaken by boredom and he simply leaves.
"Yay!" squeals Nadja. "We knew that would work!"
"Yes, but first we need to put it to the test, my darling," Laszlo explains.
"Test?" you question.
"Yes, our dear familiar. A test- to be sure you are truly cured!"
You glance at Guillermo who simply shrugs with a grimace. He hadn't expected this either.
Looking back toward your masters you say, "Uh, sure? What do I need to do?"
You are lead down the hall to the basement door, and told you are to stand in the dark at the top of the stairs for 5 minutes without screaming or begging to be let out and that would prove you were "no longer afraid of the dark."
To get it over with you obey and enter the basement for a very boring 5 minutes. When it was over the vampires open the door and cheer at your success while Guillermo gives you an apologetic look.
You're pulled into the hallway by Nadja who gives you a hug, and at some point you hear Colin's voice cheering from behind you as well. You were surprised that curing a fear you didn't even have would get you this much attention, but you endured regardless, just waiting for it to be over so you could go to bed.
Moments later Guillermo confusingly cries out, "No, no, Colin, wait!" and it didn't take too long for you to figure out why.
Colin had come up behind you in the celebration with a cooler full of ice water and dumped it over your head. Everyone ceased celebration, leaving you standing soaking wet and freezing in the hallway.
Collin continued to cheer for a few moments before realizing the others had stopped. His cheers then died into awkward mumbling.
"What the hell, Colin Robinson!" Nadja scolded, moving towards you as you wiped the water from face and attempted to catch your breath.
Lazlo frowns at him. "What were you thinking!?" He hands you a handkerchief to dry your face, and you accept it despite the blood in the corner, not wanting to be rude.
"Humans- humans do that at celebrations," he explained, awkwardly.
"At football games, you idiot!" Guillermo scolded.
"Guillermo! Do not yell at Colin Robinson!" Nandor reprimanded.
"Sorry, Master."
Nandor nods at Guillermo, then turns to Colin. "They only do that at football games, you idiot!" He throws up his hand in an irritated gesture. "Fucking guy-"
The camera briefly cuts to Colin in the talking head position.
"Yeah, I knew they only do that at football games. I was just hungry and it seemed like a good opportunity to feed." He shrugs, completely unapologetic.
Back to the scene in the hall, Colin is apologizing.
"I'm sorry, I didn't real-"
Nadja gasps loudly, cutting him off mid sentence. "Oh! My sweetie baby darling! What has happened to your pretty face!"
Attention has fully turned back to you as you attempt to turn away and tell her it's nothing, but she isn't having it and holds your face in her hands to get a better look. She's stronger than she looks and you find you cannot move from her grasp.
"A black eye?" Nandor says in surprise. He looks at Guillermo, who shares his shock.
Laszlo, just as surprised as them, "How did this happen?"
Nadja now has the handkerchief and is wiping at your face to get a better look and sees how much makeup is on the rag. "Oh- have you been hiding this under makeup all this time?"
"Mistress, it's nothing, really. I'm just clumsy." You manage to pull your face way, but only because she lets you. You don't meet any of their gazes. "I walked into a door, is all."
Nadja frowns, not satisfied with that answer.
Eager to change the subject you ask, "Masters, can I please be excused to change out of these wet clothes?"
Laszlo answers before Nadja can. "Of course! Go ahead and take the rest of the night off as well, a reward for overcoming your fear of the dark."
You simply nod and quickly enter your room, which awkwardly -yet conveniently- happened to be the door right across the hall from the basement.
Those remaining in the hallway exchange awkward looks, the silence only being broken by Laszlo announcing he and Nadja would be retiring to their crypt. They then brushed past everyone else to make their way to the staircases.
Brief cut to a shot peeking into Nadja and Laszlo's crypt from the door. They are arguing.
"I can not believe you just believed her! Why would she have hid her eye with makeup if it was an accident!"
"My darling, it's simple. She was embarrassed by her own clumsiness, and didn't want us to think of her as such!"
Nadja shakes her fists in frustration at him and shuts herself in her coffin.
Laszlo waits a moment before asking, "So, are we not having sex then?"
"No!" comes her muffled reply.
Back to the hall, as soon as Nadja and Laszlo had left, Colin follows suit, saying, "Yeah, I'm out." and making a hasty retreat to the basement.
After a moment of being alone in the hall Guillermo finally asks, "Would you like me to help you into your coffin, Master?"
Nandor stared at your door as he replied. "Yes, Guillermo, I think it's time I took my slumber." He allowed Guillermo to guide him to his crypt, just down the hall from your room.
Nandor/Reader (Going to try a slow burn this time)
Reader answers a job listing to be Nadja and Laszlo's new familiar- will she find more than she intended?
Warnings: Slow burn- eventual NSFW, Smut (but not in this chapter)
"So- we have a new familiar!" Nadja exclaims excitedly to the camera, her hands clapping silently in glee.
Laszlo, sitting next to her on the sofa, adds, "Yes, after what happened to Topher- poor chap…" he and Nadja share a brief mournful look, "we had Gizmo place another of those advertisements on Craig's List."
The camera cuts to a flashback of Nadja and Laszlo bickering over a bored-looking Guillermo. A laptop is open on his lap and the couple are debating what information they want to include in the ad. Camera then cuts to what Guillermo had to say about the situation.
"Yeah, at this point I just ignore them and copy/paste the same ad. They go through so many familiars I started keeping a copy saved on the computer." He shrugs un-apologetically.
Back to Nadja and Laszlo, Nadja is still beaming as she says, "We got a response right away!"
"Leave it to good old Craig-" Laszlo tips his pipe in approval, "he always manages to get the word out there."
"Yes- and we already interviewed her, and she's perfect!" Nadja clasps her hands over Laszlo's and grins at the camera before it cuts away again to the pair asking you questions in the library.
You're sitting in an old armchair that has seen better days, with Nadja and Laszlo opposite of you on a sofa. "So, my dear," Laszlo says, "you say you have experience cleaning, but how to you feel about getting blood out of clothing?"
"Well, I'd say I do definitely have plenty of experience in that department," you reply a little awkwardly, suspecting that an explanation would be TMI for a job interview- regardless of the fact this was obviously not a normal sort of job you were interviewing for.
Nadja interrupts as Laszlo is about to speak again, bolting up from her seat with a, "You're hired! I have so many bloody bloodstained dresses!"
Laszlo, who clearly seemed to have more questions, merely shrugs and joins his wife in standing, coming over to shake your hand and congratulate you on the new job.
"Oh- thank you!" You stand before taking his hand to shake. Getting hired after only two questions was certainly a surprise, but you weren't about to argue. "When do I start?"
"Now." Nadja replied, causing you to blink in response. "Gizmo!" she beckons before you can respond, "Come train our new familiar!"
Guillermo appears in the doorway looking annoyed at the couple, but smiles at you as you approach.
"Uh, hi," you give a little wave as you draw closer, keeping your voice low as you ask him, "Hey, these cameras aren't here, like all the time, are they?"
Nadja heard you anyway. "Oh! I think our little familiar is camera shy! How cute!" she gushes to her husband.
"Yes, indeed, my love." He replies before shrugging to add, "Well, better break her of it."
Nadja nods in agreement and the pair approach you. Before you can protest she grabs you by the shoulders and unceremoniously moves you over to the camera crew. "Here, why don't you introduce yourself to the nice camera men while I go find where I put those dresses."
You laugh nervously at the camera as she and Laszlo leave the library. Turning to Guillermo for help, he only offers a sympathetic smile as he scratches the back of his head- a move you took to mean you were on your own.
The camera cuts briefly to Collin Robinson in the corner looking delighted before cutting back to you.
You swallow. "Um… hi. I'm- I'm Nadja and Laszlo's new familiar." You wring your hands, not sure of what to say. "I um… well I decided to take this job because I just… needed a change… and uh- well, the ad made this seem like it would be quite the change, so I responded… and well… here I am!" You laugh nervously again.
One of the crew motions to get your attention and mouths to you a question.
"Oh! My name! Yes… My name is-"
You're cut off by the sound of Nadja yelling upstairs to someone named Nandor. She sounded angry, and so the crew quickly lost interest in you and rushed past you to see what the commotion was about and where.
You breathe a sigh of relief and Guillermo chuckles while motioning you out into the foyer. Collin looks mildly disappointed that his meal had been cut short.
"Don't worry, you get used to the cameras," Guillermo assured. "Before long you'll forget they're even there." He side-eyes a camera that you still hadn't noticed was trained on the pair of you as you reached down to grab your backpack from where you had sat it outside the library doors. "I'll show you to your room first and you can put your bag in there," he offered.
"Thanks."
He lead you between the double grand staircases into a hall. He gestured to the door on the left. "That's my master, Nandor's, room. You'll meet him here in a bit I'm sure."
"Oh." You recognized the name as the one Nadja had just been screaming curses at.
Guillermo then walks to the door directly across from Nandor's room, "And this is the kitchen." He opens the door to allow you a glimpse of what would be a very lovely vintage kitchen, if not for the fact it appeared in desperate need of a clean.
He then leads you toward the end of the hall, stopping at the door in the right, and then points to the door on the left. "That door leads to the basement, there's not much down there except for Collin's room and some storage." Opening the door on the right he continued, "And this is where you'll be staying."
Inside the room was quite dusty and filled with old boxes. The walls were cracked plaster covered in peeling blue wallpaper. To the right and side of the door you noticed a cot with a bedside table and an old trunk at the foot of it.
Seemingly noticing your disappointment he spoke again. "Yeah… normally Nadja and Laszlo's familiars sleep upstairs in the antechamber next to their room, but I thought you might prefer… not to."
You raise an eyebrow.
"You see they…" he rubbed the back of his head, unsure of how to phrase it. Eventually he decided to just be blunt. "They have a lot of sex. Like, a-LOT, a lot. I thought you might get more sleep down here."
"Ah-" you say in realization, tossing your bag onto the cot as if to confirm your agreement with Guillermo's assumption and signalling you were no longer disappointed in the arrangement.
Guillermo laughed. "Yeah, sorry I didn't have time to arrange a proper bed." He closed the door and continued. "We weren't expecting a response to the ad so quickly. I'll look into getting a fresh one delivered."
"Guillermo!"
The loud voice rang out from behind and startled you. Turning to see who was yelling, you laid eyes on an admittedly quite attractive man who was marching up the hall with something in his hands.
He had long dark hair with half tied up in a bun, a neatly trimmed beard, and wore a well-tailored tunic beneath a deep red velvet cloak trimmed with fur.
Your cheeks began to heat when you realized you had become so taken with his appearance that you had no idea what he was saying, and you quickly snapped yourself out of it and attempted to gather the conversation between the two.
"Master, I'm not sure how you managed to do… that, but I'll have to look up how to fix it later. I need to train Nadja and Laszlo's new familiar."
'So this must be Nandor then,' you thought, looking at the object in his hands. It appeared to be some sort of music box, of which the aforementioned cape seemed to have inexplicably gotten wound into.
"Oh, may I?" You gestured towards the music box. "I might be able to help."
Nandor frowned slightly, looking you up and down as if he wasn't sure, but ultimately agreed with a, "Very well." Then, looking pointedly at Guillermo, "Let's see if the new familiar can be more useful."
Guillermo rolled his eyes as you took hold of the music box, and Nandor's cape- which he was still wearing- and looked it over. Just as you hoped, the drum was removable, and with a little gentle force, you were able to pop it out and free Nandor's cape.
Nandor let out a happy laugh that his cape was no longer stuck in the music box. "I am free! Thank you, new familiar!" He threw a look at Guillermo before continuing. "Now I must return this music box to Nadja-" he voice lowered a bit as he finished his sentence with, "before she follows through on her threat to cut off my balls…"
With that, he swished his cape and retreated back the way he came, leaving you with Guillermo again in the hall.
You turn to him with a grimaced smile. "Sorry…"
Guillermo shook his head in an attempt to hide his annoyance at his master. "Don't worry about it." Then, gesturing down the hall with a half-forced smile, "Let's go ahead and finish the tour, shall we?"
You nod and follow his lead when the camera cuts out.
---
Camera opens on the following day when Guillermo is training you on the various chores that need done around the mansion.
The two of you are in the library, with you dusting the shelves while Guillermo is describing the importance of the newspaper stuck to the window panes and that it should be checked periodically to ensure full coverage.
Nadja and Laszlo happen to walk in at this moment, and begin to beam and praise you on how clean the bookshelves are.
Before you really get a chance to fully thank them, Nadja then starts in with jabs at Guillermo, asking why the shelves we never this clean under his care.
You bite your lip and wince at him apologetically, but like the previous night he waves you off with a shake of his head as way of telling you not to worry about it.
The rest of your night was spent largely avoiding the cameras the best you could while you did various chores, while also avoiding Nadja and Laszlo noticing that you were avoiding said cameras, lest they make you do another interview.
Nadja would find you periodically throughout the night and ask you to do things for her, and then praise you when you finished the task. Unfortunately, this was often accompanied by her bashing Guillermo for his work if he was within earshot. However, gratefully, Guillermo didn't seem to take her insults to heart, and he later told you that he just tunes them out anymore because Nadja and Laszlo were just, "like that."
As far as Nandor was concerned, the two of you didn't see or interact much beyond a polite nod while passing in the halls, though Nandor did find himself quietly intrigued by your lack of fear for a rat that you'd found in the kitchen.
---
After the rat you did resolve to spend a good bit of time cleaning the kitchen during the next day before spending the night doing various chores for your masters, like getting stains out of Nadja's dresses or washing… other fluids... off of various surfaces. Guillermo was right- they did have a lot of sex… Everywhere.
Admittedly this was a less desirable part of the job, but you knew it could be worse so you did your best without complaint. At least Nadja and Laszlo seemed pleased with your work, and you got steal glances at Nandor every now and again.
You didn't really attempt to speak to him, nor him to you, but occasionally you would overhear him making a funny comment to one of the others and would hide your smile so as to not appear obvious that you were listening.
This doesn't go unnoticed by Colin Robinson, however. Over the next day and a half he can sense you're developing a bit of a crush on the oldest vampire in the house, and decides to take it as an opportunity to feed off you.
"Embarrassment can be quite satisfying energy to feed from," Collin says to the camera, sitting in his favorite chair in the foyer, "and it's usually quite easy to get, too. I noticed Nadja and Laszlo's new familiar has started to 'fancy' Nandor- that means that she's taken a liking to him romantically- but she seems to be in denial of those feelings in interest of being professional."
Cut to several clips of you making goo goo eyes at Nandor only to turn away when he looks in your direction; smiling when he walks in the room; and clips of you giggling behind your hand at quips you found funny- even if they really weren't that funny.
"So, I've found ways to feed by teasing her about it."
The camera cuts to Collin walking up to you, coffee cup in hand, and saying, "So, looks like you want to engage in coitus with Nandor." He winks at you and continues, "That means you'd like to have sex with him."
There's a brief cut back to Collin in his chair as he says, "I've also been experimenting with condescension to drain energy. That's when you act patronizing or pretentious towards other people."
Camera cuts back to you looking mortified and immediately denying his allegations, to which Collin simply grins and says, "Me thinks you protest too much…" as you quickly leave the room, face burning. The camera pans to Guillermo, who had been minding his business reading a book until that point, looking quite surprised at what had just taken place.
Now Guillermo is in the talking head position. "No-" he laughs. "There's no way she has a crush on Nandor! She's only been here, like, three days." He laughs again, but his expression betrays his uncertainty.
The camera follows you down the hall. You aren't sure where you're going, but you're interrupted by Laszlo stepping into the hall.
"Oh! There you are!"
"Did you need something, Master?" you ask him, hoping that he needed something that would allow you to shut yourself away for awhile while you completed the task.
"Yes, actually." He motions behind you and you realize he's beckoning Guillermo over. "Gizmo- I think it's time you make yourself useful and teach our new familiar how to go about disposing the bodies- Nadja and I just happened to finish a couple in the dining room," he flippantly gestured up the hall, "and after that I think it's time you began teaching this fine young lady how to hunt us down some virgins."
You wordlessly nod in agreement, to which Laszlo seemed delighted. He clapped his hands together and moved past the two of you, calling out to his 'lovely lady wife' and beckoning her for another round of sex.
You weren't exactly thrilled about these assignments, but you knew it was bound to happen sooner or later.
If someone had told you you'd be disposing of dead bodies for vampires just last week you would have laughed. Yet, here you were, freezing your ass off while standing over a shallow hole, holding a shovel, and listening to Guillermo instruct you on the importance of keeping an eye out for cars, what to do if you accidentally dig a grave too close to an existing one, and to always check the body for a wallet/money before burying it.
You were even less excited when it came time for Guillermo to teach you how to pick up virgins, but you told yourself that maybe you could find a way to make sure you only brought bad people back to your masters. Real assholes. People no one would miss.
You wouldn't find out that night, however, as the hunt went bust. The two of you arrived at what appeared to be a strip mall, but Guillermo noticed a sign on the door you were about to enter said that the Pokemon tournament for that night had been cancelled.
Guillermo apologized that he wouldn't get to show you the ropes, but assured you it would be ok that the two of you returned empty handed that night. "Our masters usually prefer to hunt for their regular meals themselves anyway. The virgins are more of a convenience thing, really. They like to keep some stocked around the house for special occasions, but they don't really need us to keep them fed."
You nodded in understanding and followed him back to the mansion, hiding your relief and hoping this information meant there was a chance you wouldn't personally need to hunt people down for your masters- or at least not that often.
By the time you returned it was nearly sunrise. Guillermo bid you 'good morning' and went to help Nandor into his coffin as you made your way to your room.
Nadja and Laszlo were already upstairs- you could tell by the faint sounds of them fucking from above- but they had already told you the first night that they needed no assistance getting in or out of their coffins.
You were grateful, because after tonight all you wanted to do was go to sleep.
---
The next night Nadja became convinced the house had ghosts after an incident in the library, though none of the men, save Guillermo, seemed to believe her.
You were on the fence about the whole thing, honestly. You'd never really seen a ghost, but you supposed if vampires were real, then why not?
Regardless, you bit your tongue at Nandor's crystal balls jokes, as well as the jokes from the other guys, to keep from upsetting Nadja during the seance. However, the guys succeeded in pissing her off anyway with their toilet humor.
She stormed off, ending the seance in a huff, and Laszlo decided to dismiss you for the night, explaining in a mournful, low voice that he had to clean up this mess on his own now.
Not about to argue with some free time, you opted to spend the rest of the night cleaning up and organizing the storage room you were sleeping in to make it a bit nicer as a bedroom. The bed Guillermo had ordered came in the day before and you'd yet to get a chance to set it up.
Through the night you did hear bits of commotion, but you brushed it off. If your masters needed you they'd call you by name.
As you opened the box for the bed frame you heard Laszlo yelling to Nandor something about a ghost on the front lawn- and shook your head at this obvious prank, wondering if it worked but doubting it did. It was nice to know your boss has a sense of humor.
Some point later as you were settling the mattress onto the finished frame Nadja could be heard loudly complaining about something upstairs- but you couldn't make it out. Probably just her yelling at Laszlo again for making a mockery of her seance.
After making the bed you decided to organize some of the boxes in the room, and found a decent quilt in one of the boxes. Doubting that anyone would mind if you used it, you placed it on your new bed before taking a break to watch some Netflix on your phone.
You were able to watch a full movie with little distraction from the others in the house causing ruckus, and decided to get ready for bed once it was over. The hallways were dark and empty on your way to the bathroom. Guillermo must have already blown out all the candles and gone to bed himself.
While returning to your room it struck you that you didn't feel creeped out at all in the big old house, even with the vampires. In fact, as you set your alarm for the next night you realized you were actually more relaxed than you'd been in weeks. If that didn't say anything about your prior conditions, nothing would.
With that thought you cozied up under the quilt, and prepared to sleep.
And perhaps you'd been more tired than you'd thought, for just as you were starting to nod off, you could have sworn you heard a horse.
Rose Tyler was so iconic…no job. no father. hopping planets wearing approximately 10 lbs of waterproof drugstore mascara. a man at home who knew full well she was getting her back blown out by debate team captain space alien David Tennant on the regular and would still hang out with her every time she deigned to grace him with her presence. She killed the Devil? what a great character
There is a lot of dangerously regressive misogyny being labeled “feminism” coming from young women in fandom today and it’s kind of breaking my heart.
Shitting on one female character to lift up another is not the vibe.
Saying a rape survivor can’t be the main character of a romance novel because depicting her having consensual sex would be disturbing is not it either.
Maybe learn a little bit of the history of a character and who wrote them in what circumstances before you proclaim them perfect and use them as a weapon against female characters and fans.
Calling for anything that might be triggering to anyone to just be banned or “fade to black” is really dangerous and has precedent.
Where have they learned to kink shame like that? Kink is *by definition* consensual.
If you don’t like something fictional, what we aren’t gonna do is attack the real human beings that do. That’s no kind of feminist praxis. You aren’t defending anyone.
And they seem to be brand new here because I keep seeing them uplift the hyper-femme, soft, tradwife, girly-girl aesthetic and trash the strong, fighter, warrior, archetypes saying things like “we’ve had too many warrior women and it’s time to let women be soft.” No sense of history whatsoever.
Just makes me sad. And you can’t really engage with them because they call any hint of opposition or criticism “misogyny” against them.
why are dudes in fanfic always getting hit with freight train orgasms. why not an orient express orgasm, classy and romantic. where are the shinkansen train orgasms? his orgasm hit him like the TGV atlantique breaking the passenger rail speed record. like the shanghai maglev, his orgasm was a feat of engineering but something of a commercial disappointment.
this shit is soooooo infuriating to me like some people have trouble climaxing through NO fault of their own—maybe it’s a natural variation of their bodies maybe it’s medication side effects maybe it’s trauma—it’s actually really common and it’s something that makes a lot of people feel really ashamed and miserable… you haven’t “masturbated yourself into dysfunction” in fact masturbation often helps you get better at figuring out what makes you climax like !!!!!!! and even if you HAVE been hitting the vibe too hard recently you can always cool off for a week or two until you get in the mood again. your clit isn’t ruined forever. christ. this chewed-gum approach to sex simply does not have a basis in fact. pleasure is not a scarce resource
Sometimes, in fandom, we just want to write id-tastic fic that rolls around in tropes that might be viewed as problematic. But we don’t want to address the problematic side of things in this particular fanwork; we just want to roll around and wallow.
It is considered courteous to give readers a heads-up via use of AO3 tags. I propose a tag that signals that a given fanwork is for rolling around, not giving a measured evaluation of anything. The MCU has carved out a space for this sort of fic with the “HYDRA Trash Party” tag, for which I commend them. Trash Party is a bit too specific to cover all of the ground I’m thinking of here, though; I propose “Dead Dove: Do Not Eat.”
For those of you not familiar with Arrested Development, Michael Bluth finds a paper bag in the freezer labeled “Dead Dove: Do Not Eat.” He opens the bag, finds a dead dove, and reacts as follows:
[gif of a white man saying “I don’t know what I expected” in a deadpan manner]
The “Dead Dove: Do Not Eat” tag would essentially be a “what it says on the tin” metatag, indicating “you see the tropes and concepts tagged here? they are going to appear in this fic. exactly as said. there will not necessarily be any subversion, authorial commentary condemning problematic aspects, or meditation on potential harm. this fic contains dead dove. if you proceed, you should expect to encounter it.”
(more at KnowYourMeme: http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/i-dont-know-what-i-expected)
