Hogwarts Headcanons

Ravenclaw • Horned Serpent • Ombrelune • Hawk Patronus

[headcanons-at-hogwarts]

I cannot emphasise enough how much I dislike JK Rowling.

[headcanons-at-hogwarts]

Sirius: *stubs toe* Chicken noodle!

James: Hold up, what did he just say?

Peter: Remus has been trying to get him to swear less, so now he sounds like-

Sirius: Crusty eggnog motherf-

Remus: Sirius...

Sirius: flower, mother flower. Mamma mia, this is hard.

Lily: Oh my God, just fucking swear.

[headcanons-at-hogwarts]

James: Look! Pads! Lily and I are wearing the same sweater, we’re matching! It’s a sign!

Sirius: Mate-

Remus: Look Casanova, for the fiftieth time, we are wearing UNIFORM.

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Remus: *hugs Sirius from behind*

Sirius: *leans into him*

Remus: Eat all my chocolate again and we’re done, capisce?

Sirius: *still chewing* ...

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Remus: Merlin, it’s so bloody obvious that James is still smitten with Lily after all of this time but she’s completely oblivious! How can people not see what’s right in front of them?

Sirius: *wearing a ‘Please date me, Remus’ shirt* Haha, yeah. Funny that, isn’t it?-

[headcanons-at-hogwarts]

Remus and Sirius: 3, 2, 1... Happy New Year! *kiss*

Peter: Guys, it’s not even midnight, stop snogging everytime the microwave goes off.

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Lily: And did you ever take Marlene on a date?

Sirius: Yes, in Hogsmeade, where no one saw us.

Lily: And how long have you been dating Marlene?

Sirius: Three months.

Lily: And your boyfriend’s name is?

Sirius: Remus.

Lily: Right.

*AUDIBLE GASPING IN THE GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM*

Sirius: P-Pardon me.

Lily: Yes, Sirius?

Sirius: I was... confused. See, I thought you said friend; Remus is just a friend.

Remus: *gets up dramatically* You BITCH!

Sirius: Remus, wait! *chases after him*

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James: *rushes into dorm* Guys, I have a plan - but I need someone to help out!

Sirius: I went last time.

Peter: So did I.

James, Sirius, Peter: *all turn to Remus*

Remus: Damnit, wait no, I - can, can we spin the wheel instead?

Sirius: *spins makeshift cardboard wheel with all of their names on* It landed on Remus!

Remus: *already out the door*

Peter: Motherf-

James: Well, I guess if Remus REALLY doesn’t want to do it, I’ll take SOMEBODY ELSE.

Remus: *head peeks around door* Rea-

Sirius: *manhandling Remus* Got him!

James: Woohoo! Let’s go!

Remus: Ugh, I should have hung out with Evans.

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Albus: *carves ‘Albus + Gellert’ into a tree trunk*

Gellert: You absolute nerd.

Gellert: *carves ‘4ever’ into the tree*

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Ginny: *pulls a successful prank on Harry*

James: I’m so bloody proud, our Harry really won out with that girl.

Lily: Again, not the criteria most people would use to praise their daughter-in-laws.

Sirius: But valid nonetheless. *high fives James without looking up*

Lily: *to Remus* Can you believe these idiots?

Remus: Haha, I know right. *softly high fives Sirius as Lily turns around*

Lily: *still facing forward* I heard that.

Remus: Merlin!

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Remus: Hey, I think we have a problem.

Sirius: What? The fire?

Remus: What fire?!

Sirius: You know what, forget it. Your problem sounds more interesting, I’m all ears.

Sirius: ...

Remus: ...

Sirius: Wha-

Remus: *under breath* Did you accidentally start a fire with Prongs again?

Sirius: ...No.

Remus: *sigh of relief*

Sirius: This time it was Evans’ fault, mostly.

Lily: *frantically grabbing fire extinguisher from wall* Snitch!

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Remus: Darling, when I said “bring me back something from the beach”, I meant like - a shell.

Sirius: *struggling to hold a seagull* Well, you didn’t make it explicitly clear.

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James: Hey Moony, what colour are Sirius’ eyes?

Remus: The colour of the clearest sky emerging from the gentle dawn, the calmest ocean by the flinty shore; sparkling sea foam - magnetic and alluring, powerful and bright - bubbling over with pure energy and light.

James: What?

Remus: I said grey.

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Remus: *sitting quietly, probably reading a book*

Sirius: Merlin’s Beard, how could someone even be that ADORABLE?! OUTRAGEOUS. Ugh.

Remus: *proceeds to literally not move a muscle*

Sirius: *to James* You see what I have to DEAL with EVERYDAY?! It’s unbearable!

James: Mate, you can’t stop talking about him; just ask Remus out, I’m sure it can’t go that badly.

Sirius: Fine! Well, I’ll, I’ll see what the people have to say about it! *turns to group* Do you think I sh-?

Marlene, Dorcas, Peter, Alice, Frank, Lily, Madam Pomfrey, Professor McGonagall, Dumbledore, the Fat Lady, Mrs Norris, Nearly Headless Nick, the Giant Squid: YES.

Sirius: *crying* BUT IT’S SCARY.

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Sirius: Remus is too tall for me to kiss, what should I do?

James: You could throw a book at him so he’ll drop down briefly enough for you to meet at the same eye-level as he ascends back up to the clouds to live amongst the giants.

Remus: Prongs, I’m only 6’7”!

Lily: ‘ONLY’?! *crunches popcorn* Pads, I’d recommend standing on a small, portable stool.

Frank: Or better yet, a table. *high fives James*

Alice: Hmm, you could try wearing really high-heels?

Dorcas: No, Sirius’ heels are already high enough to twist his ankles at any sudden movement, we don’t want to kill him.

Peter: Maybe grab his neck and climb up on him like a spider monkey.

Marlene: Dude, just jump up as high as possible and hope for the best.

Remus: Or you could do none of that and just ask me to lean over?

[headcanons-at-hogwarts]

Sirius: Darling, Dumbledore called - we have to go help Marlene and Alice, apparently the Death Eaters have them surrounded in Nocturn Alley.

Remus: Go without me! I’ll grab my wand and be with you in just a second.

Sirius: Of course!

Remus: And Sirius?

Sirius: Yes?

Remus: Be careful.

Sirius: Pffft, I’m always carefu- *walks straight into doorframe*

Remus: *raises eyebrows*

Sirius: In DANGEROUS situations, Moony.

Sirius: *apparates out*

Remus: That bloody liar.

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Remus: Where have you been?! I was worried sick!

Sirius: *soaking wet* James and I decided to fight the giant squid because she stole his lunch, but we tried to do it wearing his invisibility cloak - long story short: that didn’t work, we lost the cloak and then we spent three hours trying to fish it back out with the squid attacking us.

Remus: ...

Remus: Sirius, love of my life, sun to my moon, yee to my haw, what the actual fuck?

Sirius: *blushing* I’m the love of your life?

Remus: *panics*