Fly high and Dream big

The name's Cid. Nowadays I just make my livin' flyin'. Ya know what ya love and what ya gotta do? Just &*#$in' do it! You're the only one that can. Ya see the big red fortress up there? Her name's Azrael and she's my latest.

[yossyislandd]

they need to invent hormones that turn you into a dragon

[fractiousrvt]

#hormones to treat a reptile dysfunction 

@followthebluebell​ you cannot leave this in the tags!

[vulcandroid]

i will never be over the fact that during first contact a human offered their hand to a vulcan and the vulcan was just like “wow humans are fucking wild” and took it

[roachpatrol]

Humanity’s first contact with Vulcans was some guy going “I’m down to fuck.”

Vulcans’ first contact with Humans was an emphatic “Sure.”

[lilian-cho]

@sineala

[star-lord]

#iiiiiiiiiiiiii mean vulcans had been watching humans for a long time#they knew the significance of a handshake but still#they had to find some fast and loose ambassador#willing to fuckin make out with a human for the sake of not offending them on first contact#lmao#star trek give me the story of this fast and loose vulcan

[moonsofavalon]

“sir…these…these humans…they greet each other by…” *glances around before furtively whispering* “by clasping hands…”

*prolonged silence* “oh my…”

“sir…sir how will we make first contact with them? surely we…we cannot refuse this handclasping ritual, they will take it as an insult, but what vulcan would agree to such a distasteful and uncomfortable ritual??”

*several pensive moments later* “contact the vulcan high command and tell them to send us kuvak. i once saw that crazy son of a bitch arm wrestle a klingon, he’ll put his hands on anything”

[evilminji]

Elsewhere, w/ kuvak: “….my day has come.”

[lierdumoa]

The vulcan who made first contact with humans is named Solkar guys. Y’all just be makin’ up names for characters that already have names.

Bonus: here’s a screencap of Solkar doing the “my body is ready” pose right before he shakes Zefram Cochrane’s hand:

[adreadfulidea-deactivated202402]

I swear Vulcans only come in two types and they are “distant xenophobes” or “horny on main for humanity”. Also apparently this guy is Spock’s great-grandfather and frankly that explains everything.

[kaijuerotica]

Hey so I looked into this at one point and that handshake literally created a lifelong telepathic bond between the two of them, and basically all of Solkar’s descendants were later obsessed with humans, including freaking SPOCK, so I’m not saying that handshake was so gay and good that it created an intergenerational telepathic bond between Solkar’s descendants and humans, but I’m also not….not….saying that.

[tanukiham]

actual footage of first contact makeouts

[saucefactory-deactivated2019103]

The slow deliberation with which Solkar takes Cockrane’s–I’m sorry, Cochrane’s–hand… The sheer sensuality witch which Solkar infuses an otherwise borderline impersonal social ritual… It clearly shows a very conscious knowledge, on Solkar’s part, of what the significance of the handshake is in Vulcan terms and of how affected he is by it.

That’s why he’s so slow in doing it, and so sensual. A part of Solkar can’t believe this is happening, despite it being a perfectly logical thing to expect from a human, and the rest of him can’t believe how good it is.

I bet that if the camera zoomed in any further we would see the dilation of Solkar’s pupils and a quickly-repressed shiver of delight. Cochrane’s firm, businesslike clasp is probably (in sexual terms) being perceived as a deliciously carnal display of dominance.

No wonder Solkar is all like, “TAKE ME, YOU WILD-MANNERED BARBARIAN WITH ENTICINGLY ROUGH CALLUSES.”

[explorerrowan]

And so we find out that yes, there is such a thing as bottoming in Pon-farr.

[zinglebert-bembledack]

Every time this post comes round my dash, it just gets better.

[gallifreyanwriter]

#somehow the idea of vulcans being Horny On Main always gives me the giggles#like literally all they had to do#was be like actually#hand contact is very intimate for our species#and im p sure humanity as a whole would not find that insurmountably weird#there are human cultures that dont shake hands#vulcans are logical enough to think that through on their own#so clearly that vulcan was just down to fuck#down to fuck in a public#professional diplomatic situation no less#and he did not fucking care who knew it (via kittykatthetacodemon)

[hazeldomain]

Some Vulcan: we could probably just explain that handshakes are intimate in our culture

Solkar, rubbing lip gloss on his hand: don’t tell me how to do my job 

[one-time-i-dreamt]

I was drawing a bunch of pentagrams in my notebook during math class because I was bored and I think I drew 150 pentagrams in total before a devilish-looking guy wearing a red suit broke down the door of the classroom and yelled “wHAT the fUCK do you wANT?!”

[almost-always-eventually-right]

this username escapes me every single time

[zoozve]

i cant stop thinking about this post

[tikkety-tok]

"No that’s an oil tank I’m not interested" 😂

[thatdisasterauthor]

HOLY SHIT I JUST FOUND THE BEST FUCKING HOUSE EVER. I NEED IT IMMEDIATELY SOMEONE GIVE ME $3.75million RIGHT NOW.

What even is this??? Why are there so many shapes? Why is there a fake mining tunnel with cars about to drop off a bridge like in a bad western?

There is just. So much going on here. And I love all of it. Supposedly that garage fits 11 cars and comes with a lift and a painting setup.

IMAGINE the DND games you could have right here.

Look at this fucking castle shit. Apparently there’s a huge dumbwaiter to bring up your firewood. And does that support pole have a tiny rock climbing wall???

OH MY GOD IT DOES. And there’s a piano with…rails? IDK.

I have 10% of an idea what’s happening here but is that…bench? covered in a string of heads??? With some kind of…prayer kneeling thingy at the end there? What is happening. What kind of weird religious bastard built this place?

I have so many questions about this random mining tunnel thing. So fucking many.

There’s even a 3D tour available: https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/36570-Us-Highway-24-N-Buena-Vista-CO-81211/2076799379_zpid/?

[gallusrostromegalus]

Hey katy I know what house we’re stealing in the event of an apocalypse.

[thatdisasterauthor]

AGREED.

[akela-nakamura]

@katy-l-wood​

So that table you pointed out? It’s got a secret Easter Egg. It’s got laser engraved place mats. With….interesting names on them. 

They say “Loader,” “Shit Nipper,” “Motor Man” and more I can’t make out or get a good angle on. It’s like the Seven Dwarves of place mats. 

[thatdisasterauthor]

HOLY SHIT. What the fuck???

AND DOES IT ALREADY HAVE A MAP IN THE MIDDLE?! Is this actually already a DND table?

[akela-nakamura]

I don’t know!!! It’s a GIANT table with engraved names.If they AREN’T using it for DnD, they don’t deserve it. But the mine shaft leads to two bedrooms, one of which the fake rail you can see outside leads into, but it’s blocked by a window. Two MORE bedrooms are a floor above and lead right into each other. Like I cannot figure out how you’d get into the other bedroom without waltzing past the bed, the tub that isn’t enclosed, and the open bathroom sink. There are three microwaves (so far) in the house, and only one is in the kitchen. Everytime I think this place can’t get any weirder it DOES.

[thatdisasterauthor]

Right? I’ve gone through what I THINK is the whole house three times now on the 3D tour and every round just raises more questions.

[funny-tik-toks]

Ponies of 2020

[probsjosh]

the pony is out for blood

[business-as-usual-bats]

I can't

Stop laughing

[aheartinruins]

It's a beautiful day and you are a horrible horse

[lastoneout]

Every day horses wake up and choose violence

[rotmance-deactivated20210324]

hey, so. i made a quiz that’s probably niche and hyperspecific to my interests but. i promise it’s fun, okay

anyway, allow me to assign you one of my favourite mythological ‘tropes’ in this short quiz!

(i know mythology doesn’t have tropes but i couldn’t think of a better word.)

12 results, including:

world-bearing cosmic turtle

guy who gifts humanity and gets punished for it

monster’s even more scary mother

a beast with hidden legendary wisdom

heroic horse who is king over other horses

lady descending to underworld

shape shifter who isn’t exactly evil but causes a lot of mischief

king asleep in mountain till needed

primeval sentient abyss of ocean/space/creation

extremely hot extremely idiotic hero

benevolent luck-giving animal whom nobody can find

the vegetable lamb of tartary (which is not a trope but it’s epic and needed to be included)

[sabertoothwalrus]

I found this post I’d made a while ago and decided to animate it:

[sabertoothwalrus]

this is such a specific emotion that’s unique to the sibling experience and if you don’t have siblings, please understand that this emotion does not contain nearly as much anger or annoyance as it does bafflement, fondness, and too-tired-to-process-this

[sabertoothwalrus]

yeah he is in fact the youngest I’m glad you could tell

[prokopetz]

The whole “capitalism gave you the Internet” thing is especially funny if you actually work in network infrastructure, since one of the first things you’ll learn is that many software technologies that are absolutely critical to the day to day functioning of the Internet are being maintained on a volunteer basis by small, decentralised teams working in whatever free time their day jobs leave them, and that we’d have a crisis on our hands within thirty days if any one of those maintainers were to get hit by a bus and nobody stepped up to replace them. Like, the whole commercial edifice of the Internet rests on the continuous unpaid labour of a relative handful of people who are essentially just doing it for fun.

[hammerheadshart]

if you’re interested in reading more about it

[literallymechanical]

[keepcalmandcarriefischer]

[rohirric-hunter]

Hey does anyone have that painting of the Argonath but they’re dabbing? I don’t need it for anything but I do want to inflict it on all my followers again.

[a-simple-gremlin]

Here you go

[rohirric-hunter]

Thank you!

[lontra-ohiensis]

still not over how much I love this

[tenporcupinesinnertrenchcoat]

Posts that would kill a peasant from 1173

[everybidenjusthavegoodtime]

*releases pack of dads into home depot* go……be free

[hotcommunist-deactivated2019032]

invasive species encroach on lesbian territory

[dreaming-shark]

This is a common misconception because they’re such similar environments, but you should be aware that dads are native to Home Depot, while lesbians are actually native to Lowe’s. At this point, however, both dads and lesbians have made themselves at home in both Home Depot and Lowe’s to the point that trying to separate them back into their original ranges would probably do more harm than good to the delicate ecosystem of large chain hardware stores.

[ailithnight]

A properly raised and socialized Dad will be perfectly comfortable cohabiting with Lesbians. Its not really “encroaching on another’s territory”. You wouldn’t say that about foxes in a forest that also homes bobcats, would you? No. It’s just two different species that have both evolved to live in similar/the same environment. As long as they recognize each other as equals, Dads and Lesbians are more than capable of cohabitation.

Now, if you were to release a pack of Lumberjacks into a Lowes or Home Depot, that’s where chaos will reign. Being adapted to a far harsher and more demanding environment, the Lumberjacks would simply push Dads and Lesbians both out and also consume far more than a sustainable amount of resources. It would be like releasing bears at a country club.

[chequerootlurks]

As a former timber-harvester… I feel this is potentially accurate in theory. But highly improbable in actuality.

Lumberjacks, like most megafauna species generally require more space than the average hardware store, even a big box store could provide. The misconception is that Lumberjacks are a social species because of how they often work and live together.

This is a matter of necessity, not preference, and a survival technique for thriving under the LogBoss.

A “pack” of Lumberjacks, if not under the environmental pressure of a LogBoss will naturally disperse until they each have a wide territory.

Lumberjacks rarely fight for territory.

One on one, a Lumberjack could drive out a Dad or Lesbian, however the latter tend to travel in social packs.

Lumberjacks will passively retreat on the presence of large numbers of people. Kind of like Sasquatch.

Getting a “pack” of Lumberjacks assembled would be hard enough unless they were forced into a Hardware Store by a LogBoss. In that case, they would already be in a heightened and potentially agitated state far above their natural behavior. This artificial scenario can be likened to a circus animal running amok. If it had been in the wild, the incident would not have occurred.

Free-roaming Lumberjacks are the cryptids of the Hardware ecosystem. They are surprisingly quiet and unobtrusive.

Please stop labeling Lumberjacks as dangerous roving social predators. They are intermediate level omnivores and remarkably peaceful unless threatened.

[thatdisasterauthor]

As a hardware store worker I can say that this is all 100% accurate.

[swindle94]

now how in the FUCK am i supposed to leave tumblr when a god tier post like THIS is just is just waiting for me daily?!?!?!

[fromchaostocosmos]

question where does the “art student” or “DIYer” “crafter” or “soap maker” or “miniaturist“ etc. who has ventured into the store for supplies fall into the ecosystem/what is their impact of said ecosystem?

[terulakimban]

Most of the above are native to craft and hobby stores (art students, historically, are native to museums, but having been introduced to hobby stores, have found a niche for themselves and thrived), but all can be seen in hardware stores on occasion due to territorial overlap. They are generally low-impact, as they tend to stick to specific small areas and primarily utilize different resources. While a large group of any of them can be disruptive (art students, in particular, are known to travel in packs), in general, they are more likely to have territorial disputes with one another than with the local fauna. 

A point of clarity -“crafter” is a bit misleading; while it conjures a specific image, much like ‘fish’ or ‘reptile’ it actually covers a broad array of wildly disparate species, and in general, more descriptive nomenclature is preferred. Fiber artists in particular are a genus to watch out for, particularly in groups. Beware a roving pack of domesticated quilters. They fear nothing, will go anywhere, and due to their social nature, will often seek interaction from other species that thrive best in solitude. They are quite friendly, and will happily adopt members of other species; the concern is that their adoptees do not always wish to be adopted. 

[agender-thanos]

Ok, who’s been keeping this post from me? This is top tier, beautiful artwork and I want to know why I’ve never seen this before.

[makis-2am-thoughts]

@world-heritage-posts

[ivan-fyodorovich-deactivated202]

though I still love Chronicles of Narnia the older I get and the more I learn the clearer it becomes to me why it would have driven Tolkien completely insane

[off-brandhipster]

The Santa part almost ruined their friendship

[ivan-fyodorovich-deactivated202]

Tolkien: you can’t just patch random things together because you like them, everything has to fit together in a dense textural weave of reasonable causes and effects

Lewis: and then the witch from the other dimension turns the fox to stone for having a contraband tea party …

[intjint]

Tolkein is the nerd that complains that characters’ costumes and weapons are impractical and Lewis is the nerd that thinks the designs fuck

[bespectacled-ghost]

[prokopetz]

It can be difficult to understand just how routine-oriented cats can be if you’ve never owned one. If my oven timer goes off and I’m slow responding to it, my cats will run and fetch me and lead me right to it, because the beepy thing means the human is supposed to go into the kitchen, and are they the only ones around here who give a damn about the Rules?

[electricpentacle]

One night my partner decided to stay up and play video games whilst I got an early night, and the cat responded to this by running from the bedroom to the living room yelling, because only ONE human had gone to bed and so IS IT BEDTIME OR NOT HUMANS, MAKE UP YOUR MINDS, THIS IS NO WAY TO RUN A HOUSEHOLD.

[platypusisnotonfire]

My cat wakes up 5 minutes before my alarm every day. If I get up early and turn the light on, he wakes up, squints and blinks but follows me into the kitchen and sits VERY ANGY wincing at being awake too early but refusing to be asleep if mom is awake. And just glares at me.

[punkjabi]

[gummybearattacktheworldofdespair]

[oranberryblissey]

This is the definition of Chaotic Evil.

[littlebabysandboxburritos]

NOOOOOOOOO

[enbies-and-felonies]

I kept saying “why are you like this” more and more, and then it was just “no, nooo. nO, OH GOSH WHY”

[random-chaos-thoughts]

I went from “Gosh, that was a close one!” to feral anger very very quickly

[reagan-slayer69]

HAHA! EVIL

[gallusrostromegalus]

Hey!  This is the work of Joseph Hersercher, who makes Rube Goldberg Machines and it’s some of the funniest shit on the internet.  The above is from “Pass the Pepper” which is available on his Patreon (Srsly, subscribe, it’s incredible), but here is it’s earlier companion piece, Pass The Salt:

[agoodjake54-deactivated20150429]

[ruinedchildhood]

Jinkies

[jesterday00]

Jeepers!

[dollfacemcghost]

Zoinks!

[galvaniccorsair]

Ruh roh!

[paperandpencilsandskips]

FUCK