MRHDVS

24, A diary of self-reflection into past trauma.

[mrh-dvs]

What the fuck was I thinking.

I rode the bus for free, three dollars a day to live on and you either starve or remain still. You need to travel to make money, but you also need to eat or your legs become weak.  

[mrh-dvs]

I feel like I’m 15 again writing angry love letters to my ex boyfriend on msn

[mrh-dvs]

I spent my youth hating my body and crying about the size of my thighs being ridiculously thick in proportion to my body. I’ve covered my arms during sweltering Australian summers because my mother said they were huge. I’ve gone days without eating, and some days where I would eat crumbs, feeling faint & crazy. I would enter a room and immediately realise I was the largest girl in the room. When I entered my 20s, I realised I no longer cared for diets and weight loss, I had been loved, hated, fucked, formed meaningful friendships & relationships regardless of what size I was. And now, being 23 I’m considerably bigger than what I was, but I also feel I’ve been relieved of one less anxiety, caring about what size I am - and it feeels sooo fucking good.

[mrh-dvs]

I called in sick to work today because my anxiety convinces me I'm sick. Last night it gave me a 4 hour headache and pressure at the back of my head until 3 am in the morning. So instead of working today I'm going to take lots of Valium and see my friends in the city and its so sunny and nice outside but I don't notice because I'm clenching my jaw so hard it's making the right side of my face numb.

[mrh-dvs]

On Thursday evening I watched a man jump to his death while I was eating dinner. I saw him fall from the top floor so fast and silently I thought someone had dropped their jacket. From the third floor I watched helplessly while people stared in disbelief, crying, screaming, watching. His left leg was twisted and his right leg was jerking around, he was alive at that point. I'm grateful I didn't hear the sound of impact as it would probably haunt me forever, but one thing that unsettles me the most was that while he was laying on the ground still alive, he still looked like he wanted to die.

[experimentthree]

[experimentthree]

[mrh-dvs]

inspired by Vincent Cassel’s face in La Haine 

i wanted to make him colourful 

[mrh-dvs]

every time i go to the art store i always end up leaving with a pencil colour that catches my eye, the cashier always comments that i choose such pretty colours so I thought I would make a pretty print :) 

[mrh-dvs]

anatomically correct 

[mrh-dvs]

i feel bad for neglecting this page and my art lately

i am trying to find love and joy in everything i do 

[mrh-dvs]

Untitled, 2013

Pencil on Stonehenge 

[mrh-dvs]

i’m full of wisdom and thc 

[mrh-dvs]

when you rip bongs and play bowie at maximum off your balcony for ur neighbours

[mrh-dvs]

everynight i try to do a bit of drawing before bed but i lose interest really fast and get super anxious. i blame technology and alcohol tbh

[mrh-dvs]

Skipped my Iranian film class to do????

[mrh-dvs]

Was originally going to say how much i like drawing with charcoal and wax paper but then tumblr made me reduce the size of the image and the quality took out all the shading and sucked the essence from the drawing i h8 technology fk u