Mr. Silver's School for Wayward Dominants @mrsilversschool - Tumblr Blog

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theropegeek

rope safety: never leave a tied up person unsupervised

a fantasy i’ve heard about a lot is “being tied up and left in the closet while my partner goes out for the evening.”

ok, i’ll admit that’s actually sorta hot.

but here’s why you should never, ever try it:

some ties create positional asphyxia

that means it gets harder to breathe over time, in ways that might not be obvious at first.

if you get too exhausted to breathe, and you can’t get out, you’ll die.

over time the ropes can slip around

staying in one position for a long time really sucks. so eventually, the tied up person will start to squirm around to stretch different sets of muscles.

that’s a great opportunity for something to end up slipping around their neck, or onto a nerve (creating short-term paralyzation), etc.

escaping people do crazy shit

i’ve met occasional “escape artists” who pride themselves on wriggling out of rope.

i tend to wince when i watch that, because the process frequently involves twisting joints, squeezing nerves, and coming on the verge of dislocating shit.

it’s probably not a bad idea to do that Never.

but if you do, then you definitely don’t wanna do it by yourself.

after a while, ties that started out comfy can get dramatically worse in surprising ways, especially as muscles tire out or body positions shift. if the person gets sick of it and tries to squirm out,

then you may find yourself explaining to McGruff The Crime Dog why there’s a dead naked hottie tied up in your closet.

so remember kids: just say no to leaving tied up people alone.

swallowmywords-tastemythoughts

10 things a submissive needs but won’t say out loud / beautiful bond — it’s a beautiful bond

1. Please touch us

Cuddle us, spoon us, grab the small of our backs. Kiss our foreheads and make us feel small. We crave your hands all over us. We love them no matter where they happen to land—be that on our asses or up our skirts.

Just. Touch. Us. It reminds us that we’re yours.

2. Take pride in us

Relish in the fact that we’re yours—that we belong to you and no one else. Smile when we enter the room because you know we’re walking toward you. It lets us know you care. It makes us want to be better for you.

3. Let us cry

When we are sad or angry, or pissed the hell off. When we drink too much…especially when we drink too much, let us cry our eyes out. Let us be messes, with mascara running down our cheeks and pints of ice cream in our hands. Let us be okay with not being okay once in a while. This one requires no action from you, just that you be okay with it when it happens.

4. Forgive

Despite how hard we try, we will make mistakes. We will fuck things up, say things wrong, do things crazy, and when that happens we need you to forgive us. We’re not talking immediate forgiveness, or that a price won’t often be paid for it, but forgiveness that comes eventually. We need to know that the slate has been wiped clean, all trespasses have been forgiven…and when it happens, don’t forget to let us know. See number 5.

5. Communicate…. often!

We need this.. If we don’t discuss something, it will fester in our brains forever, eventually driving us crazy. A three minute conversation could ease hours of worry for us once an uneasy feeling sets in. If that can be prevented with a few sentences, please take the time to speak them. Honestly, like two seconds of your time could stop our heads from exploding….and you don’t want to clean up that mess, do you?

6. We want you to make us feel pretty

Not that you don’t make us feel super sexy pretty darn often, but once in a while, it’s good to actually hear. Tell us our ass looks great in our yoga pants, that our hair looks especially shiny today. Tell us you like our new boots. Notice something small and compliment us about it, and our hearts will swell for days. Compliments let us know what it’s like to look through your eyes. Those are glimpses of the world we don’t often get to see.

7. It’s the little things

Some of these are sounding cliche, but are just so fucking true. Sure, your big gestures of grandeur are admired, but it is often the small things that get our cheeks turning red. Leave a note on the mirror in the morning telling us to have a great day. Sit next to us during a movie you have no desire to see. Take the dog out in the morning so we can sleep in for an extra 10 minutes, remember what ice cream we prefer to eat when we cry. If you do these things, we’re yours for life.

8. Remember things

Speaking of little things, try to remember them. Things like how we take our coffee and the name of that bitchy girl who sits next to us at work. Remember anything. Three weeks from now, bust out some silly story we told you over dinner one evening in great detail. Remember something we’d never expect you to store into your internal drive. Remember our first concert together, and our best friend from kindergarten’s name. The more obscure the better.

9. Deal with us

When we’re singing in the car. When we drink too much wine. When we completely melt down. Deal with our pasts, and when we don’t feel pretty. Deal with our stretch marks and insecurities, our early bedtimes and exhaustion. Deal with our mood, and how we load the dishwasher the wrong way. These things silently tell us that you’ll be by our sides regardless of how nerdy, silly or utterly hopeless we can get.

Finally, the most important thing we need from you that we’ll never say out loud:

10. Be the most stable thing in our lives

Be stronger than us. Be the one person in our world that won’t turn on us or walk away. When life becomes scary and confusing, and we just need something solid to hold onto, please be our anchor. It’s because of you that our awful days are easier to get through. Don’t be perfect. Just be there. It’s the only real requirement on this list.

thelost33

This! All of this!! ❤❤❤

thecallofthenorth-deactivated20

💜

mrsilversschool

Although this is all undeniably true for a submissive, it's important to realize that all this is also part of a healthy vanilla relationship as well.

asexual-domme

Things to Say to Someone in Top Drop/Dom Drop

I’m okay

I love you

Thank you

It’s alright

I’m not hurt

I’m not hurt too badly

You’re lovely/wonderful/kind

I enjoyed it

It was worth it

Take your time

Do you need anything?

Do you want a cuddle?

Do you want me to get dressed/take the collar off/put the crop away?

Do you want to talk about it?

I’m here

You’re not a bad person

Top drop/dom drop usually comes from shock, guilt or insecurity about the way you have just treated someone whose well-being you care about very much. Like sub drop, it is usually accompanied by a fall in endorphins and general energy levels. Especially for aces (who I find have a greater need to be in the right mindset/’zone’ for play and intimacy), a ‘snap’ moment where you break out of play mode can throw you emotionally, and the end of play causes a similar reassessment or double-take at what happened during the scene.

Dominants in drop require the same kind of care as subs, but a different kind of reassurance.

maddigans

So important.

tooprettytolive

We need to reassure our tops!

toodomforyou

This question is less directly with bdsm. What advice do you have for a girl who doesn’t want to get sexual too soon but the guy keeps asking “ok, so no sec? Is blowjob ok? Oh, it’s not? Why not? Is sucking on my nipples ok?” And I want to wait until marriage for sexual stuff but we can still have fun with power exchange, like him bossing me. Some guys don’t understand that bdsm can be done without sex. And I can’t just say “get out” because they’re nice as they politely ask me these things...

Hi Anon,

I’m going to sound a little harsh here. It’s not because of you, but it’s because of the situation.

Here’s the thing. Guys like this know exactly what they’re doing. They know that if they’re nice enough, then you won’t tell them to get out. They know that if they keep badgering you about something you’ve clearly stated is a limit, you won’t get too mad because they aren’t being overtly rude about it.

But here’s the thing. They’re not being nice. They’re not being polite. Being polite is respecting someone’s limits. Being nice is understanding that someone doesn’t want to have sex and backing off. What they’re doing is rude, mean, and selfish.

You abso-fucking-lutely can say “get out.” Because they’re not respecting you, at all.

When you say, “I don’t want to have sex until marriage,” these guys have two options.

A. They can respect that, enjoy a non-sexual relationship with you, and you two can have a nice relationship.

B. They can say, “This isn’t for me, as I’d like to have a relationship with someone in which we have sex before marriage.” And then you two can go your separate ways.

Neither of these options include pestering you about your decision, trying to get you to bend your limits, or being whiny little pissants because they’re horny.

Tell them to get out, Anon. You said it yourself - some guys don’t understand that BDSM can be done without sex. There are guys out there that do understand this, and I have full faith in your ability to find them. These guys that you’re dealing with now? Not even remotely worth your time.

-SD

universityofkink

This is a serious problem for a lot of females. I once knew a guy who did the same exact things as anon is describing, and he ended up sexually assaulting me.

He soon got tired of asking nicely, when he already knew the answer. So he would start pushing me. And suddenly my “no” was met with being put up against a wall or threatened.

It’s not right - he knows the answer, he’s pushing your limits on purpose in order to manipulate you or find a time to take advantage of you.

I wish I knew what I know now back then, but all I can do is hope that you take @toodomforyou ‘s advice and mine and try your best to get out of that situation and relationship.

toodomforyou

Thank you for sharing your story. I know it can be hard to talk about such a harrowing experience. I am so sorry you had to go through that.

Thank you for using your story to help others not face the same situation that you did.

Anon, please read this.

-SD

lone-wolf-pup-deactivated202103

I tell guys I have a strict 3 date rule. As in I won’t do anything sexual until after the 3rd date. Alot of guys try to push it by saying “well if we really get along you’ll change that right” or “but it’s hard to find time for that many dates/the distance is too long so can’t we just skip it.” Those are the guys I know to immediately drop because they can’t respect my limits and can’t respect my no without badgering.

toodomforyou

“It’s hard to find time for that many dates” gtfo with that shit. The excuses they’ll pull out of their asses, I swear!

-SD

toodomforyou

Also, just to confirm, I did consciously make the decision to wait until marriage, myself. Men who will wait and respect those boundaries do exist. You don’t have to put up with these lies.

- WJS

owned-little-kitten

Just to make these people as what they are: predators, perpetrators in the making, or rapists if they’ve already succeeded.

Moving the goal post is a classic technique of abusers and rapists. Men know that women shy away from a strict and direct “no” of of fear what will happen to them. That fear is justified. So einem have learned to land men softly when declining a request.

Rapists know that and shamelessly use that fact as their modus operandi. They coerce the woman into sexual activities. That’s sexual assault or rape, depending on how far they go.

A decent person will immediately back off if they meet anything but enthusiastic consent, possibly even apologise. They’ll encourage you to take as much time as you need or want to be comfortable and enthusiastic.

mrsilversschool

I realize that I’ve got more to say about this.

Respecting boundaries is, itself, a sign of strength. Let’s say you don’t want to take no for an answer, so you push, test, wheedle, whine, whatever. What this means is they’ve already won you over. They stop thinking, “Do they want me?” but “Can I safely back off?” Basically, it tells them that more time and effort needs to be placed in finding a way out, instead of finding a way in.

Why does that matter? First, there’s the whole potential-rapist thing, and that’s horrible, and you don’t want to do that. But even beyond that, by pressing, they start needing to think of you as someone to avoid instead of someone to attract.

But when you back off, they can’t be sure you’ll keep wanting them anymore. They have to start consciously thinking about how to keep your interest. Also, they know you’ll back off when they ask you to, so they feel safer getting closer. So maybe they’re not saying yes now, but the chance they’ll say yes later goes up.

And even past that, they’ll tell their friends. And their friends will start wondering what attracts you, and feel more comfortable being more intimate around you.

Respecting boundaries really sets you up for a win-win.

But what does respecting boundaries mean?

It means stepping back and not approaching the subject again. If you, say, ask for a blowjob, and they say no, or sound ambivalent, it doesn’t mean asking for a blowjob again later or tomorrow or next week. That’s pushing, and that’s what you want to avoid. That’s when you start looking like a creep. You never bring it up again. You wait for them to do so. If they’re feeling comfortable around you, they’ll know there’s the possibility you’ll want it, and they will feel comfortable bringing up the subject.

And besides, there’s all sorts of smaller interactions that you get access to in the process. Being able to provide that comfort, that safety, that knowledge that you won’t just try to jump them again (or, even better, the first time) they’ll be happy to engage in a whole bunch more contact with you. And you never have to ask for it. They’ll offer it. (Believe me, I’ve had plenty of contact, from kisses, to sex, to marriage, get handed to me because I never required it. And yes, I’ve received blowjobs while never asking for one. Not even a first time.)

It’s a whole lot easier to say yes when they know they have the power to say no. You want Yes to be the daring, fun choice. Not the reluctant defense.

onesubsjourney-deactivated20180

A message to the boys/men of tumblr.

There are tons of gorgeous women here, who post themselves nude. We all do it for different reasons, some to gain confidence, some because of their confidence, some to inspire others, and others who just like to show off. While I don’t know all the reasons, I do know, that 90% of them don’t want your nasty messages.

Just because we post nudes, does not mean you can be disrespectful.

Just because we post nudes, does not mean we want to see your pathetic little cocks.

Just because we don’t want to see your pathetic little cocks, does not automatically make us lesbian. (Yes some fuck said that to me a few days ago.)

Just because we are into kink, does not mean we want to hear what you would do to us. (Unless we specifically state so.)

Put it this way, would you walk up to a woman on the street that you found attractive, and ask if she wanted to see your cock?

If she was wearing a collar, would you go and tell her you want to tie her up, gag her, and fuck her ass?

You wouldn’t, because you’d 1. Get beat, 2. Possible get arrested, and 3. Look like an utter idiot.

So tell me boys/men of tumblr, why do you think it’s okay here?

Knock it the fuck off.

bonuslevelthoughts

Pay attention fellas. I’m a man and I agree with this completely. Don’t be jerks, enjoy the tits and move on.

dvdc19

Agree 100%

watchingyouwatching

I’m a man, I can change, if I have to , I guess. No, seriously, I agree. I’ve read comments on here and thought, why the heck anyone say some of these comments. Maybe there trying to make themselves fee7

rougearxxxts

Yal boys’ Keep it classy!

msnikkey-deactivated20200309

Preach

casanovahimself-deactivated2017

I can’t speak for all men but as a man, I’ll say this. Sending dick pics for me is only about sexual attention/gratification. I have a slightly deviant sexual nature. While I’m far from shy and I’m sure you can imagine why. I think there’s a bit of animosity, jealousy and spite towards women who can so easily express themselves in a sexual manor that, as a man, I feel is sometimes impossible without being rude, explicit or forward. For some reason mens genitals are expressly forbidden when women’s nudity is consider art, therefore I don’t believe that’s fair. Especially while the ridiculous differences in social and beauty standards are quite often totally lopsided, unjust or unequal. There’s a deep seeded eternal irony that will never subside or be totally accepted or understood. So perhaps unsolicited dick pics are a form of protest from me rather than a cultural belief of malicious in intent. Civil constructs are simply a theory in practice after all. I’m sure many of us on Tumblr are simply protesting our freedoms.

onesubsjourney-deactivated20180

“Not all men…”

Is all I heard there.

Then you literally said you send unsolicited dick pics as a form of protest?

Jfc. Bye.

mrsilversschool

I’m a straight man myself, and there’s a major flaw with casanovahimself’s argument. The problem is a lack of equivalency between nudes posted on a blog, and unsolicited pics.

Note that I’m not saying “unsolicited dick pics.” If he, or anyone else, had a problem of having women send him nudes, unasked, that would also be an issue. But no, these women sharing nudes are simply posting them in their own spaces, fully cognizant of the fact it means they no longer have control over who sees them, reblogs them, whatever. They know that people who aren’t interested in seeing their nudes won’t see them. They are not just dropping them in strangers’ mailboxes.

So, for this to be a true form of protest, the answer is simple. Start your own blog. Post your dick pics there. Let people come to you as they want to, and let them have their way with your images. Take artful nudes. Show your confidence, bask in your own handsomeness, and let people respond as they may. Does that feel weird? Yup, and that’s what makes it effective protest. And heck, look around. There are tons of dicks in porn. There are people (gorgeous women, even) who want to see this stuff. They just want to choose where and when, just as you get to by choosing which blogs you follow.

No, what’s really going on is what he said at the start: “Sending dick pics for me is only about sexual attention/gratification.” Maybe he meant there to be a “not” in there, and it’s a typo. Or a Freudian slip. But really, when he says, “I think there’s a bit of animosity, jealousy and spite towards women who can so easily express themselves in a sexual manor that, as a man, I feel is sometimes impossible without being rude, explicit or forward,” well, yeah, because sending pics to strangers is rude, explicit, and forward. You break the cycle by not doing that.

But like I said, I’m a straight man. I’ve gone without companionship at times, and I hated it. There is a very real pull to express that yearning with how dare they all deny me. But that’s not what’s happening. There’s no conspiracy. It’s really a misunderstanding of the nature of the inequivalency in mainstream culture. The problem is that we’re culturally expected for the man to make the move, and the woman to wait for the move to come. However, if you’re straining against the yoke of that burden, you’re not the only one. Both men and women hate it. You can toss that burden aside by not contributing to it. Honestly, when I came here, started talking about my experiences and didn’t push myself on women, they started soliciting me. So that’s my advice. Talk about your feelings. Make people seek out your body if they want it. Make finding it a reward, not a freebie. Freebies have no value. Sending out unsolicited dick pics means you believe your dick has no value. Who are we to disagree?

drnerdlove

So here’s some holy-shit-don’t-ever-do-this advice for the day. Now I’ve written a fair bit about why this is a shit-tastic idea but there’s a section that really takes the taco and puts this well into “what the fuck were you thinking?” territory:

This. This right fucking here is one of the things that drives me up the wall when it comes to dating advice for men: the idea that women shit-test guys. OK, first of all: no. No they don’t. A woman who’s ignoring you waving your hand in front of her face (yes, he tells you to do this) isn’t testing you to see if “you’re strong enough to be her man”, she doesn’t want to fucking talk to you. Second of all: Yes, I know that there is the odd statistical anomaly out there who actually does shit-test guys. I’ve met one or two. However, there’re two relevant facts in play here. The first is that the odds of your running into a woman who does want you to push past her no is so remote that they don’t make numbers small enough to represent it. The other is that mind games are bullshit and you shouldn’t be rewarding them with your time and attention. And more to the point: why in pluperfect hell would you want to fuck them?? Trust me: ain’t nobody in the world so good in bed to put up with that level of assholery. If, in your travels, you come across this fantastical beast (you won’t) and she wants you to try harder after the initial rejection (she doesn’t), then give them a hard pass. You have far better uses for your time up to and including reorganizing your Pokemon by color. If she really wanted you to try harder to impress her, then she can damn well use her words and say so. The myth of women shit-testing guys is just an excuse for guys to ignore a “no”, “I’m not interested” and “go away”. It’s teaching that a “no” is really a “yes” if you try hard enough and holy shit that’s an insanely bad thing to teach. So, yeah. Fuck that noise.

mrsilversschool

Not strictly D/s, but an important lesson. The vanishingly few shit-testers out there are people to STAY AWAY FROM. Doesn’t matter what gender, orientation, or role they are: they are toxic. And if you believe others shit-test categorically, chances are you’re doing this. “Don’t waste my time.” “I got others to talk to.” “Put out or get out.” That’s all shit-testing.

artistic-little-kitten

@mrsilversschool I just have a few questions. What do you mean by shit-testing? And how does “Don’t waste my time” fall under that?

mrsilversschool

Shit-testing is throwing shade to see if they’ll pursue you in response. It’s testing to see how serious someone else is, trying to get them to try harder. “Don’t waste my time” is something you’ll see used in the following way:

“Hey baby, submit now.”

“No.”

“Don’t waste my time, I said submit.”

It’s all attempts to get the other person to try harder.

dapperdaddyworld-deactivated201

@ownedbymydaddy

instructor144

True for all Doms and subs, across the spectrum.

demons--angel

oh ? this true ?

wrongjohnsilver

I don’t think so. At least, not the imperfection. We both want to be all things for our partner. A worry that a sign of imperfection will taint the relationship is a sign that the relationship is actually not doing well.

Heck, on the little’s side, if the fear is that he’ll just up and leave one day, and that the onus is on her to make sure that doesn’t happen, that’s unhealthy, too. This is potentially a recipe for codependence if communication doesn’t lead to realistic expectations.

fruity-pebbles-and-ball-gags

I feel like the original post is normalizing behavior and thoughts that in any other context would have obvious links to anxiety and lack of self-worth - feelings which certainly have a negative connotation on their own. If you strip away the D/s element, this just says one partner fears that they’re not worth anything and the other partner fears that their natural imperfections are going to ruin their relationship. If you put that in a vanilla context, it’s clearly unhealthy as shit; it’s no different for a D/s relationship.

mrsilversschool

One important thing to keep in mind is that D/s is not an excuse for codependency. Am unhealthy relationship is unhealthy, and kink will not save nor sanction it.

drnerdlove

mrsilversschool

herliege-deactivated20210126

Domination is not being able to order someone to kneel, domination is being able to recognise and release someone’s desire to kneel. Submission is not blindly obeying orders, it’s obeying a desire to serve another’s needs and pleasure. - M / Her Liege

Once more. Reclaiming my own words.

M / Her Liege

(via herliege)

toodomforyou

I am a little , and I have a Daddy . & I am still new to this so I am wondering if just having a regular conversation with another DOM ..if I need to answer Yes sir when talking or not , since he is not my Daddy & I am not owned by him.

Absolutely not. You do not need to address other doms by titles. Most doms, myself included, are a little weirded out when random submissives start calling them Sir or Daddy or whatever. It feels… I dunno. Dirty.

Until you have accepted someone as your dominant, they are literally just some random person and you owe them absolutely nothing. Treat them just like you would anyone else.

-LMS

mrsilversschool

Complete agreement here. It’s like claiming to be my wife when you’re not. On the one hand, submission must be earned, not demanded. On the other hand, my dominance must be earned as well. I’m not going to just say you’re mine because I happen to meet you.

Either way, don’t demand to be called sir by all subs. It cheapens your dominance. It’s no longer as valuable.

(ETA: Thanks, anon, for pointing out that it should be “all subs” and not “all women”! Admittedly, I had been recently dealing with someone who was demanding it of all women, whether or not they were subs, but it works better in this way.)

naughtydaddydom-deactivated2018

Being Dominant…

mrsilversschool

Being someone worthy of trust earns you far more than being someone who threatens.

Command, don’t demand.

daddyfuckedme

me having sexual content on my blog is not an invitation for you to message me w/ sexually harassing conversation openers, i’m not an object here to fulfill your fantasies. i’m a human who runs a blog you choose to visit, if you can’t go on my blog without feeling the need to talk to me as if i’m here for your own personal amusement then unfollow me and reconsider the way you look at women as a whole.

sara-bellissimo-deactivated2016

louder please.

toodomforyou

Oh, we’ll make it loud.

- WJS

mrsilversschool

This belongs here, too.

moon-merlot-deactivated20190111

I’ve got all sorts of respect for all relationship dynamics in BDSM and I really don’t like those people who wander on to a blog about a specific dynamic to say “well I don’t do it like that so you’re wrong”

But I deeply deeply resent these Tumblr doms who say that it’s genetic or biological for women to be submissive. That its my place and I’d be happier if I were deferent to my boyfriend because it’s natural, and I should hand over the reigns to him.

I can respect it if you say “yes I’m a dominant man and my partner is a submissive woman, this does reflect the expectations of society but it’s something that fulfils us both and makes us happy, and she actively chooses to submit because she finds meaning in it so I’m not oppressing her.”

But to totally generalise and say “this is how EVERYONE should do it, it’s right and natural and coded into your DNA to surrender all control and want someone to make your decisions and give you permission to do basic things” is really sinister and gross.

Fuck. Off.

mrsilversschool

There's an incredibly wide gulf between understanding yourself and your needs, celebrating the choices you and others make, and imposing your view of the world on others.

If you require others to behave in a certain way, people who don't even know you, expect to have a miserable, unfulfilled life.

bedroombondage-deactivated20161

Dominants Need Training Also

A Dominant is a person with a dominant aspect in their personality who needs and chooses to expand on that dominance through a consensual power exchange. He may only require the power exchange in a limited capacity or may choose to exercise that dominance within a 24/7 relationship. I want to talk a little about new Dominants. Yes, Dominants need training also. Contrary to popular belief by wannabe Doms, they are not born with the knowledge of a BDSM Master. Many people that just start out read a lot about different parts of the Lifestyle online and all of a sudden think they know everything. We all have met these people. And we all have laughed them right off our friends list also. Before shouting out loud to everyone what a great Dominant you are, go find a mentor that actually has been around BDSM enough to be able to teach you. There is no shame in a submissive teaching you either. In fact, they will probably give you lots of insight into the inner psychology of the submissive. You should also try some of the things on yourself to understand what it feels like. Be Humble. Do not strut around and shout out you are a Dominant. You have to earn respect. It is not a given. Be careful to not let your ego kill any chances you might have of building a relationship or getting a new play partner. Be Tolerant. You will meet many people on your journey who will be completely different from yourself. Remember, no one was born with the knowledge of how to be a dominant, and only by keeping our minds open, can we expect to better ourselves. Be Open. As you start to explore the wide and various world of BDSM, you have to remain open to learning new things and not automatically condemn something that is not to our liking. Be Honest. Always tell the truth. Never lie to your partner or yourself. If you don’t know something (technique or knowledge wise), be honest and admit that. There is no shame in not knowing something. The shame comes in when you hurt someone by performing a scene and you hurt your partner because you didn’t have the training to do it correctly. Study, Learn, and Study Some More. If you have chosen D/s as your lifestyle you must also choose to forever be a student willing to learn. Communicate. Talk about everything! It doesn’t matter if you are the type of dom who plans out every last move in a scene, one who just wings it and does what feels right at the moment, or somewhere in-between; discuss with your partner things you would like to do and scenes you would enjoy, and encourage your partner to do the same. Learn from Your Mistakes. Dominants are only human and you will make a mistake here or there. Admit it, learn from it, and try not to make the same error again. Remember that you are here to dominate the submissive. Be firm and self-assured. Know what you want and do not apologize for wanting it. State your wants and needs clearly and clarify it should the sub not understand. Discipline transgressions consistently and make sure that you do what you say when you said you would. Use your voice and hand gestures and make sure that rules are established and that they are followed. You need to make sure that you are physically able to play. For this you need some strength, fitness and agility some times. Make sure that you do not use drugs or alcohol when you play, as you need to be completely aware of the environment and the submissive much more so than she or he needs to be. Have fun though and enjoy the journey. I am sure these tips will help. These tips are generic though and you will find them all over. Remember that wisdom lies in the oft-repeated phrases. © Michelle Fegatofi

dominantlife

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more articles in the Library For Kinksters.

vaginaandmagirl-deactivated2017

Tumblr Submissive Hints

Before you send a variation of messages asking “Are you single?” and/or “Are you looking for a submissive/little?” as a first-time message to a dominant you don’t even know on tumblr - do know this: the Dominant you probably want is not looking for a submissive who appears that desperate. And any “dominant” that responds or pursues you if you DO do that is probably NOT a dominant you want.

dominant-in-seattle

I’ll just go ahead and confirm this. If I were looking, this sort of approach fails without exception. Though I rarely view it as desperate, it tells me you probably have no idea what you’re doing. Would you do this in a bar? Or a restaurant? Probably not.

If you are interested in someone, treat them like a normal person. Say hello. Start a conversation. Be interested in them, not their relationship status. Wait to be pursued.

Oh, and ask people like @vaginaandmagirl for advice, because obviously she knows what she’s doing.

mrsilversschool

Most of what I say is for new dominants, but this is important, too. In fact, dominants shouldn't open with "Are you a sub?" and expect to find a play partner that way, either. Say hello, hold a conversation, and if it clicks, seek the full partner from there.

littlemousling

Possessiveness 101

Totally cool: “Hey, do you want to be exclusive?”

Red flag: “No one but me is allowed to touch you.”

Totally cool: “It makes me feel weird when you flirt with other people, can we talk about that?”

Red flag: “If you loved me, you would stop being friends with them. You KNOW it makes me jealous.”

Totally cool: “I hope we’re together forever. I’m so in this for the long haul.”

Red flag: “If you ever left me, I would kill myself.”

Totally cool: “Your mom is really unkind to me, can we try to minimize how often you bring me when you visit her?”

Red flag: “Your mom hates me, you need to stop talking to her. She’s trying to ruin our relationship.”

Totally cool: “I love you so much, oh my god.”

Red flag: “It’s a good thing I love you so much, because no one else would. You’d be alone forever without me.”

Other important red flags to keep in mind: someone who wants to jump into emotional/financial co-dependence very fast (like moving in together right away, or becoming each other’s only confidantes right away) and won’t take no for an answer; someone who tries to minimize how often you leave the house or interact with other people; someone who threatens you or themselves or your family or pets or possessions or financial future; someone who uses guilt to keep you from leaving a relationship.

Very important reminder: You do not need a reason to leave a relationship. Neither does the other person (or people). A relationship is over when one of the people in it says it’s over, period. Obviously it’s kind to take the end of a long relationship seriously, but abusers and manipulators have lost the right to that conversation. Lie if you need to–your safety is much more important than their feelings.

Trust your instincts!