I've been doing research on BDSM for a while & I know that there's no one way to BDSM & everyone has different boundaries. But then I read some of the stories you reblog, like where the Sub gets her mouthed washed with soap for saying "No", and it makes me feel uncomfortable, which in the end makes me feel like I'm not a true sub. If I were truly into BDSM, why should I be uncomfortable with stuff like that, you know? Shouldn't I be all up for being controlled like that? I feel stupid
Oh dear. I actually ended up jumping outof my bed to answer this question when I saw it, because this is such an important question anddiscussion to have within the BDSM community.
First, I want you to know that you areabsolutely not stupid, at all. Actually, it’s such a common misconception and Itotally and undoubtedly understand exactly where you are coming from – I usedto think the same exact thing just a couple years ago! So trust me when I sayyou are not alone, you aren’t stupid, and just because something makes youuncomfortable never means you aren’t a ‘true’ submissive. (Trust me when I sayEVERYONE in the BDSM community has something that makes them uncomfortable thatis a super big turn on to someone else).
This is going to be a bit of a lengthyresponse (since when haven’t I always made lengthy responses anyway?), but Ireally hope that you read this and that you take everything I say to heart.
For anyone who needs more information, thepost the anon is talking about is linked here.
This post was written by @maeby-words, asa personal experience and as something that is clearly about their relationshipwith their partner and how their dynamic works.
A quick synopsis of this post:
author had said “no” when told to take a shower and had subsequently been punished with soap being put in their mouth
Without context (and without actuallyreading the post in its entirety), it would be so easy for someone to point afinger at this post and say “that’s abuse.”
But this post in particular has contextthat most people outside of our community may miss. The missing context is whatwe BDSM’ers call “Consensual Non-Consent”. It’s a form of consent in BDSM where*affirmitative* consent has been given ahead of time. This is often seen in alot of 24/7 D/s dynamics, where the submissive will often give the Dominantconsent ahead of time to do certain things, such as implement and enforcepunishment, initiate sexual advances on the submissive, and various other actsthat are chosen and consented upon before any of it actually occurs. This isone of the most crucial aspects of understanding BDSM and the differences ofBDSM vs. abuse. Consensual non-consent means that the submissive has consentedto the Dominant executing these acts ahead of time, and even if the submissivemay oppose or reject at a later date, the Dominant has every right to hold thesubmissive accountable since they have agreed upon this beforehand. (and thisis, in fact, exactly what the submissive is looking for – they are looking tobe held accountable for their actions. Even when said submissive may not be ‘inthe mood’, their number one priority is always to serve and please theirDominant, and they want to be held accountable and guided back if they forget everyso often).
Let’s take this post as an example to helpfurther explain:
The author in this post has clearlyconsented beforehand within the confines of their relationship to be heldaccountable for their actions. The author did not obey and simply said no whenthey had been ordered to go in the shower. Ina vanilla relationship, this would have been the end of the conversation.But because this particular couple has talked extensively before about howtheir dynamic and relationship will work (i.e both the Dominant and submissivehave talked about the rules and expectations of their relationship), theDominant had been given consent to punish the author for misbehavior orinfractions. The submissive may not “be in the mood” to shower, but they havealready made an agreement that what they truly want in the long-run is toplease and serve their Dominant by letting them have the control to decide whenthey shower, even if in the moment they may not be in the mood to submit.
This kind of arrangement is pretty commonin D/s relationships, and it’s common enough because of the power dynamic itcreates and enhances – true submission, in the eyes of a lot of 24/7 BDSMlifestylers, is shown when you really, really don’t want to submit. Truesubmission happens when submitting seems like the harder option, when it feelslike it’s the hardest thing in the world to say “yes Sir/Ma’am” instead of asimple “no, I’m not in the mood”.
Consensual non-consent is a delicate topiceven within the BDSM community – however, I can assure you that consensualnon-consent is completely healthy if done correctly. In fact, this post hasbeen a completely perfect example of the *right* way to do consensualnon-consent.
Remember that even in consensualnon-consent, if the author of this post had an actual legitimate reason for notbeing able to complete the task, they always have their safeword available ifneeded. So once again, even if the author had objected at first, they knowimplicitly that if they REALLY, TRULY had a problem with the task they weregiven, they had a way out. The author in this case knew that they didn’t have alegitimate reason to not do the task, other than “I’m not in the mood”. Andonce again, this is just their relationship dynamic – this is how both theauthor and their partner choose to incorporate BDSM into their life andrelationship, and both have agreed to these boundaries ahead of time to ensurethat it’s really what they both want and desire.
Now proceeding into the “I’m not a truesubmissive if I don’t like this consensual non-consent dynamic”… that’s justcomplete rubbish.
BDSM is done a million different ways by amillion different people.
And if consensual non-consent freaks youout? Or if it makes you feel uncomfortable and squeamish? That’s totally ok!!
See, BDSM is individual and you alreadyknow that. However you’re getting too caught up on what one person’srelationship is vs. what you want out of BDSM.
You might not want something as serious asa consensual non-consent dynamic. Consensual non-consent is often not done bybeginner’s, and it’s usually not something that is incorporated into a dynamic untila firm groundwork has been created first.
In fact, I actually don’t practiceconsensual non-consent in my relationship right now with my Dominant. It’ssomething I look forward to in the future, something I hope to be able toincorporate in years to come, but it’s something that I personally do notpractice at this point in my dynamic.
Does that make me less of a submissive?Absolutely, positively not.
If you want me to go further,
My Dominant and I have actually had talksabout consensual non-consent, and He has shown to have a soft limit when itcomes to this consensual non-consent play – it’s something that He may find Helikes in the future, but as of right now, He does not have enough confidenceand willingness to pursue something as serious as consensual non-consent.
Does that make Him less of a Dominantbecause He doesn’t like the idea of consensual non-consent, or having me dosomething seemingly ‘against my will’ (even though of course I had consented tothe actions beforehand)? Of course not.
He’s still a Dominant, regardless of whatHe chooses to incorporate in our dynamic. He’s not a Dominant because of the play styles He chooses, He’s a Dominant because of the person He is. A Dominant is not a Dominant simply by actions, a Dominant is a Dominant by character and leadership.
In reality, everyone has a differentdefinition of what it means to be submissive or Dominant. The key to BDSM isthat you have to find your own definition – not someone else’s standards ofwhat a submissive is and is not.
For instance, for years I used to thinkthat I had to be a prim-and-proper, quiet and conservative,never-speaking-my-mind person in order to obtain the label of “submissive.”
I was told “it’s not submissive to voiceyour opinion.” Or “it’s not submissive to be loud or rowdy.” So I tried my bestto be someone I wasn’t – someone who was quiet, who never shared how I thought,because I thought that’s what my partner would want.
It wasn’t at all what He had wanted out ofme. He wanted to be *me*, as a submissive. I had already known I had submissivetendencies, but I thought I had to be this perfect symbol of submission to beable to carry that label around.
I’m still loud sometimes. I still curse. Istill joke around, and I’m still me. But I also do the dishes for Him, and Icook for Him, and I listen to Him, and I obey when He tells me “no”. I even getup at 7 in the morning to go shopping, even though it’s the last thing I everwant to do on my weekend, simply because I am told to do so.
To me, submission is about learningself-discipline and self-care. The majority of my submissive journey so far hasbeen me learning to take care of myself correctly, and me learning to do thingsbecause it’s better for me in the long run, even if I know it’s hard to do at themoment. That’s what submission is to me right now – it’s taking care of myselfbecause He needs me to be strong and healthy, it’s about Him teaching me how tostand up for myself in situations where I may feel intimidated and scared, becauseHe needs me to be safe and sound when I come home. That is what submission is to me, and I am very aware that my definition of submission will change as I grow and learn through the years.
Submission to someone else could belearning to give up control over their daily lives, even if it can be aninconvenience, simply because it makes their partner happy to keep tabs ontheir life and control what food they eat and what clothes they wear.
Submission to another could mean sexuallypleasing their partner when they aren’t in the mood, because it makes theirpartner full of arousal when they submit when they aren’t feeling it.
And submission to another person couldmean challenging their upbringing or society’s standards of what a woman shallbe in America in 2018. It could mean challenging how they were raised, andallowing them to release those standards and just be themselves instead ofsomeone they were told to be.
I even know a lot of people who’ssubmission is all about humiliation – submission to them is doing the dirtiestand ugliest things for their partner’s, because their partner’s get off to itand that act in itself is submission – they feel they are serving and have apurpose by allowing their partner’s to do untold things to them in the bedroom.
Submission is so many things, and findingout what exactly submission means to you is what is going to give you the bestexperience out of our community.
What do you think a submissive is? Whenyou imagine yourself in the ideal situation, how do you see yourself servingyour partner? What acts are submissive to you? Is it doing the dishes, is itcooking, is it allowing your partner to choose your clothes for you for theday, is it the sexual submission, is it kneeling at their feet after a longday, is it being degraded and used, is it the act of humiliation, is it acombination of these things? Is submission sexual, non-sexual to you, or both?Is it something you would like to do throughout your day or is it something youwould like to do at a specified time in a scene?
These are all great questions to getstarted with.
There are millions of submissive’s whochoose not to incorporate consensual non-consent into their dynamics – whochoose to not consent to allowing their partner to punish them for saying “no”in the moment. That doesn’t make you not a submissive, it just makes you aperson. A person with boundaries, like anyone else, and a person who is able tounderstand and acknowledge that these limits are not a bad thing at all. It’swhat makes you who you are, and your submission isn’t worth any less thansomeone who does choose to incorporate that kind of play into their dynamic.
A final note to touch on: there are verydifferent ways to feel “taken over” or “controlled”. Just because consensualnon-consent doesn’t turn you on and make you feel submissive doesn’t mean yousimply just don’t like being submissive and overpowered. There are all kinds ofdifferent ways to feel that – doing the dishes with a butt plug could makesomeone feel overpowered and submissive, and someone else could feel submissivethe most when they are tied up with multiple men doing degrading things tothem. Someone else could feel most submissive when they are doing the dishesand cooking for their partner, and someone else could feel that submission whenthey are gagged and denied orgasm. It’s all up to you and how you feel aboutsubmission – finding what makes you feel that special *subby* feeling is atell-tale sign of which route to go when trying to define what a submissive isto you, and what submissive you want to be. Submission has many parts – sexual,non-sexual, and everything in between.
Also, you shouldn’t be in the mindset of “I should like x because it’s a submissive act.” I don’t like my Dominant controlling what I eat because my diet is very personal to me. Does that make me less submissive because I don’t like an act that is “submissive”? Of course not. There are all kinds of ways to feel submissive and to act submissively, and you don’t need to like all of them to be a “true submissive”. A true submissive is someone who is true to themselves and their morals, ideologies, and expectations - not someone who feels they must appease others’ expectations.
Just because you have limits does not makeyou any less of a submissive – actually, having limits is super important inany kind of BDSM dynamic. It’s completely normal to feel turned off by certainplay styles in the context of BDSM – just take note of it and make sure thatfuture partners are aware of your boundaries and limits.
Just because you don’t feel submissiveduring one act doesn’t make you not a submissive at all – it means you justhaven’t found what really makes you feel that submission yet, and that’s ok! BDSMis a journey and it can take years before you figure out where exactly you fitin or what exactly you like about your submission.
I used to think just like you – I used tothink that because I didn’t like being tied up and forced to take whatever wasgiven to me, that I just ‘wasn’t submissive enough’. I used to think that I hadto like doing x or y, and if I didn’t, I wasn’t a ‘true’ submissive. And thatnotion is just completely wrong and damaging. There is no right way to be asubmissive – submission is about you and you get to define what a submissiveis, not anyone else. There is something really powerful about being able todefine myself this way that really empowers me through BDSM. I think it is whatinitially intrigued me about BDSM – I got to define myself and who I am, andnobody else could tell me no. I carry the label ‘submissive’, but to me, itmeans something completely different than it could mean to someone else, and Ithink that’s a really great thing.
I really hope you take what I’ve said toheart, because BDSM should be fun, you shouldn’t feel inadequate when you stepinto the scene just because you dislike a certain play style. Define submissionfor yourself, and let yourself explore your submission in the way you want to,not in the way someone else tells you to.
I hope this helped clear some things up,and thank you so much for asking this question. It’s one of the most important thingsto understand when embarking on a new journey into BDSM.
