MR SNAYL'S WILD RIDE

We are more than the sum of our infirmities.

[mrsnaylswildride]

Well

It’s been a long time. Much longer than I thought it would be.

There are many things to explain, and I still am not in a position to explain any of them. Someday I can, but not yet still.

I suspect this explanation (such as it is) falls upon deaf ears, since my site has been dormant for so long. Besides, who am I kidding? Hardly anyone looked at it anyway.

Bitter much? You bet.

[mialfoy-blog]

HAYLEY ATWELL EDITS 19/∞

[mrsnaylswildride]

Jonathan Keleher is one of a handful of people known to have lived their entire lives without a cerebellum. His experiences are helping scientists show how this brain structure helps shape who we are.

This is fascinating. Really dovetails nicely with what I’ve read about the crossover between autism spectrum disorder, schizoid disorder, and people who’ve suffered cerebellar damage.

[theresalwaysalwayssomething-blog]

Are You Dissociating?

[girlspice-deactivated20181115]

snow-anne:

goldenphoenixgirl:

Dissociating is one of the most common responses to abuse and trauma. It involves feeling numb, detached or unreal and (while it happens to everyone once in a while) is experienced more frequently and severely in survivors. Dissociating people vary widely in symptoms and may experience any or all of the things from the following list.

You may be dissociating if you:

find yourself staring at one spot, not thinking anything

feel completely numb

feel like you’re not really in your body, like you’re watching yourself in a movie.

feel suddenly lightheaded or dizzy

lose the plot of the show or conversation you were focused on

feel as if you’re not quite real, like you’re in a dream

feel like you’re floating 

suddenly feel like you’re not a part of the world around you

feel detached and far away from other people, who may seem mechanical or unreal to you

are very startled when someone/something gets your attention

completely forget what you were thinking just a moment ago

suddenly cover your face or react as if you’re about to be hurt for no reason

can’t remember important information about yourself, like your age or where you live

find yourself rocking back and forth

become very focused on a small or trivial object or event

find that voices, sounds or writing seem far away and you sometimes have trouble understanding them.

feel as if you’ve just experienced a flashback (perhaps rapidly) but you can’t remember anything about it.

perceive your body as foreign or not belonging to you

(likes and reblogs always taken as support)

“suddenly cover your face or react as if you’re about to be hurt for no reason”

Oh thank gosh I thought I was the only one!! Always been embarassed when it happens, but now at least I know it’s normal. Bless this post <3

I have to say these are probably the worst things I have ever felt

[mrsnaylswildride]

Eep. Sounds too familiar.

Also has some crossover with ASD and PTSD. Which makes sense.

[stewardessme]

FAQ about tumblr account terminations for music copyright violations.

Q: What is happening? A: Tumblr is using an automated process to delete/terminate Tumblr accounts which have uploaded copyrighted songs. Tumblr user nosdrinker (now nosdrinkerisdead) is a recent prominent example.

Q: Why is this happening now, and not a year ago? A: Many reasons, but the most important: Around February 1, 2015, Yahoo changed Tumblr audio posts to add download functionality (a “get” button), which would turn Tumblr into a pirated-music-hub unless Yahoo gives the music industry free rein to search and destroy — and Yahoo has.

Q: How do the account terminations happen? A: Music industry (especially the IFPI) search bots analyze Tumblr posts, looking for metadata such as song titles and song lyrics. When they get matches, the music industry bots automatically send a takedown (DMCA) notice to Tumblr. If three takedown notices are sent within an 18 month period, the account is automatically deleted/terminated by Tumblr. No actual human being looks at the Tumblr posts or the Tumblr blog in question.

Q: Are accounts getting deleted in error? A: Hell yes. See the IFPI and Jeremy Banks tags for the latest sadness. People have had their accounts terminated for using two lines of a song in a mashup, for translating song lyrics, and for posting their original music.

Q: What determines Tumblr’s “three copyright violations in 18 months = account termination” rule? A: Nothing. Tumblr made it up. Tumblr could choose to delete the posts with alleged copyright violation and do nothing else. Tumblr is not required to delete accounts.

Q: Should I delete my old audio upload posts? A: Yes, if you do not wish to have your account terminated. nosdrinkerisdead recommends using the website trntbl.me to locate your old audio posts; it will list your original audio posts as well as those you have reblogged. Folks have had takedowns for music posts from two years back.

Q: I deleted the audio posts I created. Should I delete audio posts I have reblogged? A: Maybe. At this time, only original posts have bot searchable metadata such as tags, so if you reblog something a bot is not going to find it. Also, when an original audio post is deleted due to a takedown, then all reblogs of it should become empty posts, so going after reblogs makes no sense. However, once you have a “copyright violation” strike, there may be poorly paid music industry interns who periodically check your blog manually to look at your music tag or whatever. I expect the IFPI and others maintain databases of “previous violators.” I’ve removed all my reblogged music, since I’m sure I’m on what is known colloquially as a “shitlist.”

Q: Should I delete an audio post in which I uploaded like fifteen seconds of a copyrighted song? A: I would. In case I haven’t made it clear, the account terminations have nothing to do with common sense or fair use. The music industry bots do not give a shit about your blog getting destroyed in error, and neither does Tumblr. Every DMCA, no matter how bizarre, is counted as a valid strike unless you file a DMCA Counter-Notification. If you aren’t interested in doing that, and do not want your account deleted, then when in doubt I would delete.

Q: What about a vid of me singing one minute of a song, or a photo on which I pasted text of song lyrics? A: Did you put the song lyrics or the song title in your tags? If so, the bots might flag it as a copyright violation. Bots are stupid.

Q: Are there songs I should be particularly worried about? A: Yes, anything managed by the IFPI. IFPI bots are producing the most takedowns.

Q: What about spotify and soundcloud audio posts? A: Should be fine, because you didn’t upload the music, you just linked to it at spotify and soundcloud. The issue at this time is only with audio posts in which you uploaded music from your computer.

Q: What should I do if my account was terminated for music copyright violations? A: Start a new Tumblr blog if you want to continue using Tumblr. You will need a new username and a new email account.

Q: But the music was music I wrote! It’s mine! A: Use Tumblr’s DMCA Counter-Notification process to fight the content deletion/takedown.

Q: But I bought the music through Amazon or iTunes or on a CD, and thought it was okay to share through streaming audio on Tumblr. A: So did we all. For years, Tumblr allowed us to upload music (up to five audio posts a day) because it substantially increased Tumblr’s user base and user “activity,” therefore increasing Tumblr’s value to its eventual buyer, Yahoo, and to the advertisers Yahoo is so eager to court. Now Yahoo/Tumblr is letting us take the DMCA fall for it.

Q: How do you know this? A: Because my account was terminated in December, 2014. See my dmca tag for the tale. I have also worked in the Intarweb business since the 1990s, and have written/supported the kind of account termination automated foolishness going on at Tumblr.

(via stewardessme)

Super important! Don’t let your account get deleted. I used http://YOURTUMBLRNAMEHERE.tumblr.com/archive/filter-by/audio to remove mine.

(via fixyourwritinghabits)

[personalmephistopheles]

mrskroger replied to your post: sassymontparnassy replied to your chat: Me: Why is…

Mine is not different at all. What is happening exactly?

Well, hang on lemme make some screenshots, here we go:

It’s irritating for me at least.

[nekobakaz]

THE FUCK

[mrsnaylswildride]

When did this bullshit start?

[frostied-deactivated20150114]

maybe Jesus was gay the whole time and was actually saying “ah, men”

[sleepofficial-deactivated201606]

STOP I SHOULD NOT BE LAUGHING

[darning-socks]

((The ability to appreciate and evaluate human aesthetic is not determined by your sexuality))

[clint-ftm-barton]

THANK YOU

[selaphiraviel]

Reblogging at the speed of light

[theaceae-c]

"Aw what a cute cat!"

"What I didn’t know you were attracted to animals!"

[edwardspoonhands]

YouTube uses a complicated algorithm to decide whether or not to show you videos from the people you’re subscribed to. One of the most important pieces of data in this algorithm is the number of times people ignore videos from a particular creator on their “What to Watch” page.

Because we...

[mrsnaylswildride]

Argh. The algorithm battle.

Do this thing!

[rubyetc]

I found these gifs I made a while back for a site that’s not running anymore, so I thought I’d post them here. It’s a description of psychiatric symptoms and states of mind using a pink box and some other stuff. 

[apriljanee5]

These are so accurate

[psych2go]

Interesting! Just thought I’d share! 

[aviolenceofcolour]

Embracing my ‘almost-clear’ skin today. What a rarity.

[mrsnaylswildride]

I remember these days. They always seemed to happen when I wasn't going anywhere or wouldn't be seeing anyone that day.

٩(๑`^´๑)۶

[mrsnaylswildride]

IT'S HERE! IT'S FINALLY ARRIVED!

Reconstruction: First a Body, Then a Life — now available at Amazon.com!

If you're unsure, you can read excerpts from the first two chapters right here.

And for goodness' sake, let me know what you think of it!

Until next time — whenever that is — have a safe and healthy holiday on into the new year. Peace.

[tastefullyoffensive]

(photo by thenapman)

[mrsnaylswildride]

Reconstruction, Chapter 2: Tracking (part 3)

Fourth excerpt from the memoir Reconstruction: First a Body, Then a Life by Ara Lucia Ashburne.

The Kickstarter campaign has concluded and was a resounding success! Thank you so much to everyone who contributed — we made 119% of our goal!

This is the penultimate post from the book (the last one shall come this Thursday, 25 December).

First installment is here. Part 1 of this chapter is here, part 2 is here. If you like what you read, consider purchasing the book.

SFW, 6231 words.

Summary: Enter the life of Ara Lucia Ashburne, a tortured coma patient largely separated from the world of the living, and caught in a hyperreal dream world of pure suffering. This true story follows a turbulent journey from profound love and high hopes, to darkness and despair, and back out the other side to healing redemption.

While Ara and Michael wended their way though the IVF process, Ara met and befriended a woman named Kelli, who was going through the same process with her husband, Andy. Not only are Ara and Kelli beginning their next "round" of IVF together, they’ve recently learned that, by mere chance, their schedules will be perfectly synchronized. But that's about the only "perfect" part of what's to come.

Author's Note: Except for the sections indicated in italics, what follows is a series of email exchanges between Ara and Kelli.

Monday, 9/4/00 2:17PM To: Kelli From: Ara Well, when I calculated my retrieval it was when I thought I was going to be starting my stims on the 5th, but they actually started me on the 31st. That has me starting the stims two days earlier than the last time and if I have to go the full fourteen days on the stims (and prayerfully don't need more days and get cancelled) then that has me retrieving on the very same day as you, the 13th! We really are cycling together on this one!

How are the stims treating you this time? How many eggs are you hoping for this round?

I'm hanging in there, but I'm definitely starting with the lower back pain part of the process.

Missing you,

Ara

Monday, 9/4/00 11:01PM To: Ara From: Kelli

This is too cool that we will likely retrieve on the same day!!!!

Stims are okay. I am hoping for 16-17 eggs. I had 13 the first try and since I'm on a higher level of follitropin, I am greedy and want more, more, more. Andy will go to the final two sonos before retrieval and of course retrieval and embie transfer.

Wednesday, 9/6/00 9:17AM To: Kelli From: Ara

My doctor's office just nixed my riding lessons. The last clinic didn't restrict my activity, other than what I felt restricted by during the stim stage because I was uncomfortable, so I'm not happy. Unfortunately my riding is the sanity component of my life and now I'm rendered without it. I'm going to try and work it into an academic blessing with the extra time.

Wednesday, 9/6/00 10:26AM To: Ara From: Kelli

Oh, I am so sorry. I know we need all the stress relievers we can get these days!

I am having a hard time even walking at this point, this flare protocol sure has my little ovaries loaded up and I have probably another six days before I get to unload these little guys.

Wednesday, 9/6/00 11:38PM To: Ara From: Kelli

I hit the FEAR wall today and my therapist helped a lot with that: it was about living in the past and the future and worrying about both. To cope for the next 3 weeks, I have to stay in the present moment. I do not have enough info this cycle to feel it will not work, so worry is pointless.

9/7/00 2:16PM To: Kelli From: Ara

I'm hurting!!! How 'bout you?

How are your sonos looking? Were you able to make your greedy parts happy with some extra eggs?

It looks like I'm running the risk of being cancelled again! It is nerve-wracking. They will not retrieve until the majority are 18-20mm in size and each time it takes me the full 14 days to retrieve to make it just under the wire. It appears as if this time will be no exception. So I will retrieve Wed, if I get to. Are you able to guesstimate your retrieval date yet?

So, how are things coming with the nursery? Our friend Wendy is moving into ours tomorrow. I’m going to be so grateful to have her life force by my physical side.

    I met Wendy in the mid-eighties when I was living in East Lansing, Michigan. Over the years she had become one of my closest friends. There is no one in the world like her. She is the most delicious package of intelligence and quick wit, bundled up with an insatiable curiosity about the world and a love for new experiences. Her curiosity gave her a way of listening deeply, and it was really hard to get to bed, because we couldn’t stop talking. Wendy was going through a difficult post-relationship, post-career transition in her life, and we had unhesitatingly offered to let her move in with us while she sorted things out.

Thursday, 9/7/00 4:09PM To: Ara From: Kelli

Well, things are looking quite good so far. I have a lining of 7.5 which is good, E2 of 752 and approx. 20 little follies in various stages of development. Not bad for being so old, huh?

So now is the juggling game of getting enough little ones up there to make it a good harvest and not overstimming the others. I continue on 2 amps of follitropin today and Friday and return for bloodwork and sono Sat morning. I could retrieve anytime from Monday to Wed next week.

AAAAAHHHH, THE NUMBERS GAME, I am already dreading it. I am off for a nap as I did not sleep well last night. My Alfie dog had a nightmare and woke me up crying and I took forever to fall back to sleep.

Thankful and grateful,

Kelli Bear

Thursday, 9/7/000 7:49 PM To: Ara From: Kelli

I feel I will probably retrieve Tuesday. They say anytime between Monday and Wed. Intuitively I feel Tuesday, but I am open to whatever is to be. I am staying on two vials so that should give the little guys enough juice to catch up to the larger batch.

I sure do wish we could be together physically during this time. I would use all my Cancerian Maternal energy to soothe your soul, make you tea. I am holding you close as you walk this difficult part of the hike with me.

Keep the faith.... It is all there is in front of you Ara.

Friday, 9/8/00 11:44PM To: Kelli From: Ara

I'm praying for you as your retrieval is so close now. I get Saturday and Sunday off from the sono and the stabbing. I too am incredibly uncomfortable, so much so that I actually rescheduled the workshop I was supposed to teach tomorrow, because there is no way that I can pretend that I'm not in pain.

Muches of love to you and Andy and your baby-making materials.

Ara

Saturday, 9/9/00 2:21PM To: Ara From: Kelli

E2 level today was 1495 and there are about 4 follies a little on the small side so we will stim tonight, return to the lab in the a.m. to do one more sono and E2 & progesterone level, and I should get the trigger shot* Sun night. My lining was an 11 which is the best at this stage that I have had.

I am sore and tired, but glad to be getting to the end of this process!

How are you doing? Hanging in I hope, and staying hopeful.

Sunday, 9/10/00 5:02PM To: Ara From: Kelli

Well, we have lift off soon; trigger tonight at 8:30 and Retrieval Tues morning! My estradiol* is 2040 and I have approx 10+ eggs possible. The left ovary is not producing much, no surprise as it has been the victim of surgery 3 times, so there are 3 times the number of adhesions. But Mrs. Right Ovary is a champ and FULL OF EGGIES!

I am feeling hopeful and good, hope this trend continues.

Love,

Kelli and Eggs

Monday, 9/11/00 3:17PM To: Kelli From: Ara

My experience at the new clinic was too hideous to try and describe written. Michael and I both hate that place. We will definitely go to the first clinic to get the beta, true that it is closer, so we were given that option, but certainly I don’t want to deal with the nightmare of the new clinic for results.

Much love from me to you and all the soon-to-be Embies.

Monday, 9/11/00 7:59PM To: Ara From: Kelli

I am tired and sore in the ovary dept and my breasts are tender too, but also hopeful and full of faith.

So friend, off I go into the wild blue yonder and then walking up the trail to the Suspension Bridge, I will be waiting for you there with open heart and arms -- and we can wait there together for the final word.

Wednesday, 9/13/00 11:02AM To: Kelli From: Ara

I am going to take the full 5 day bed rest this time. How long are you going to spend in the bed rest phase? Do you go to the beta test by yourself or does Andy go with you?

Our beta will be one day after Michael's father's birthday and 3 days before the anniversary of his death. Michael is always acutely aware of the anniversary of everything, so this certainly won't pass him by. It will be a big one for him.

My investment in this process is escalating which always happens to me at this stage.

Loving you ever so gently from here,

Ara

P.S. I will be huggin' upon you after all this is over regardless of the outcome. Honestly, I can't wait to finally be in the same physical space as you. I cry every time I picture it. I certainly do love you, sister.

Wednesday, 9/13/00 5:39PM To: Kelli From: Ara

OH YEAH KELLI! I GOT YOUR VOICE MESSAGE!

THAT IS AWESOME! 7 ROCKS! I am so very happy for you and praying this is the early signs of the one that is going to take you to a delivery date in JUNE!!!!!!!!

If I am able to be conscious on my retrieval day I would like to call you in the evening to tuck you in from your transfer. That is my plan. Let me know if you would rather I didn't, if you would rather hold the sacred space privately.

The clinic called me with my Retrieval time, it will be on Friday at 7:30am. We will have to get up at 3:00am to be there by 6:00am.

I love you and I am sending love to your little incubated embies hanging out in the lab waiting for their clearance to come on home.

Peace be with you.

Ara

* * *

    I was alone in my office. Michael was in the control room of his music studio. Almost everyone in our lives knew today was the day we would get word from the lab. We had wanted more privacy, but we soon learned it was nearly impossible. Just like people having natural pregnancies, everyone wanted to know when the “due date” was, so to speak. The only way to have more privacy would require immense gyrations―like the manipulations of a high-level addict―because the scheduling demands of the IVF process had made us virtually unavailable for months at a time over the last year. We had to explain to my family and our friends, otherwise they wouldn’t understand why we couldn’t be present at important events in their lives. We missed weddings, we missed birthdays, we missed memorials. Everybody knew and everybody was waiting for the word.

Friday, 9/15/00 4:50PM To: Kelli, Diane, Yvonne From: Ara

Hello All My Precious Friends!

I had a horribly traumatic experience today at my retrieval. I learned some information about transfer. I am too out of it still from the anesthesia and I'm still processing the implications, so the whole story will have to wait. I don’t mean to be a tease, but say a prayer for me, because I’m freaking out right now.

Here is my good news. We got more eggs than expected. 10, which is not ideal, but our best yet. So, we are happy with that. I'm scheduled for transfer at 9:30 CST Monday.

I'm mostly, but not completely, out of my funk from the anesthesia and my pain is the lowest yet from retrieval, so aside from processing my traumatic experience, I'm my best yet.

I want to share about the wonderful concert that we went to last night but can’t at this moment....

Loving you all, with a special note to Kelli (whose transfer was today). Praying your transfer was smooth and you are well on your way to a new life.

Ara

Saturday, 9/16/00 12:55AM To: Kelli From: Ara

First, I go in for my transfer on Monday. But Kelli, here is the deal about the trauma. I don't know what your clinic says about sex after the bed rest period, but our first clinic said three days. Now, as I’m sure you will understand, we wanted to have sex as close to the transfer as possible, sort of symbolic, “this was the time that we did it and got pregnant.” So, as I am sure I told you after both transfers, I felt this buzzing, an energy inside my uterus. Now to be clear, I’m not saying that there is a spirit in there, because quite frankly, I believe that the spirit enters the body at first breath, that is my belief, but that the biologic “life form” has its own energy. I know people might think I was crazy, but I have always had a very high sensitivity/awareness of my body. When I get bodywork or massage and they are working on one part of my body, I can often feel it having an “energetic” shift or impact somewhere else in my body.

So anyway, to get back to what happened at the clinic today. Before the retrieval, Michael had already been removed from the room and the nurse was running over the details about the bed rest and she said that there was to be absolutely no intercourse or masturbation for 10 days, 10 DAYS, KELLI! I questioned her about it, because that is NOT what the first clinic in the city told me. She said that when the body has an orgasm it cuts off the blood supply for a few seconds to the uterus and it could be just long enough to hurt the embryo!

Now here is the mega-freaky part. I never said anything to anyone about this, because I figured everyone would think I was nuts, but BOTH TIMES the day after we had sex I didn’t feel the buzzing in my uterus the next day. In hopefulness, I prayed that it had taken hold and somehow I was going to have a different sensation or I was able to perceive the new sensation, but the truth was I was freaked out both times, because I had a nagging fear that we had put an end to the embryo with the sex. But like I said, I kept telling myself I must be making it up, because first of all no one was going to believe me that I could feel the energy of the embryo in my uterus, and secondly, the first clinic had said it was fine to have sex after the third day.

As you can imagine, I am going out of my mind. I'm so upset, I'm dreading telling Michael. There is nothing we can do about the previous two attempts, but, when I tell him what the new clinic says on the subject, he is going to do the math and wonder too, even if I never say anything about the buzzing and then the not-buzzing. So, of course, I can’t stop thinking about all of this and I'm horrified. I'm reeling from the sinking feeling that we went through this entire tortuous process twice only to have destroyed the outcome ourselves, but not knowing! But now having this information and maybe this is the missing link, so we can do it differently and “assure” a different result this time!

I love you and I am praying for the twins that you and Andy are holding.

Saturday, 9/16/00 9:29PM To: Kelli From: Ara

Hey There Embie Holder!

Wow, I am so pleased to hear about your high-quality embies. I know you would rather be in a situation where you had to figure out what to do if you had more babies than you thought you could handle vs. not being PG so hang in there....

...As far as our fertilization results: We had 10 eggs, 9 mature, and thus 9 embies. So we will see where we end up on Monday.

What are you doing during your bed rest? What movies, books are keeping you afloat?

Sunday, 9/17/00 4:44AM To: Kelli From: Ara

It is 4:30 in the morning. I can't sleep. We went to this workshop earlier today, then I came home and fell asleep and Michael woke me up for my shot. Then I couldn't get back to sleep. I've been thinking about creating a workshop around the concept of Authentic Action, the process of transforming inner impulses into real-world changes in one's life. I've been up making notes.

It is such an amazing place to be, this place between Retrieval and Transfer. The light at the end of the tunnel.

Loving you, Andy and your embies too!

Monday, 9/18/00 1:48PM To: Kelli From: Ara

...The lab tech guy came in and explained all the embie stats to us. We had 8 live embies, but the three top ones were only a 9 cell, a 7 and a 6. He explained that although it certainly is possible at that point to have more cells, he was really impressed with the clarity. Less than 25% fragmentation is considered Grade I and we had 2 embies with less than 5% which he considered exceptional. He rated us at more than a 50% chance of having a singleton, about a 40% of twins and less than a 5% of having triplets if we went ahead and dropped in all three which of course we did. By far our best odds to date on Transfer day, so I guess despite how horrible the process was at this new clinic with the aggressive and rude staff, they do in fact get better results.

So, I'm holding the Three Musketeers presently. Michael read to us from Harry Potter and it was quite delightful. We are finally playing the baby name game again and having a grand time.

I'm loving you and looking forward to belly hugging. My Musketeers are with you Kelli. Let round 3 be our charm!

Love,

Ara

And Threesome

    We were having a hard time agreeing on names. We decided if it was a boy Michael would choose the name, and I would only have veto powers if I truly hated the name. The problem was, I truly hated his first choice, Malachi. He was attached to the name since high school. It was a character in the first Kurt Vonnegut book he read. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to veto it. I was still working from a short list which included Gabriella, Raphaela, and Quinn. I believed it was dangerous to decide on a name before the child’s arrival as one might find out that the name didn’t fit. I figured I should still come up with one or two more tomboyish choices and would hang on to my short list and see who showed up.

Tuesday, 9/19/00 11:45AM To: Kelli From: Ara

Hello Sis,

How does the view look today? You are ever-present in my thoughts as we wave to one another from parallel bridges.

This morning when I woke up I could feel the light buzzing or humming or energetic activity in my uterus. I really couldn't feel much physically yesterday, I think it was because of the medication.

I was looking on the Internet for an apple cider mill/pumpkin patch that Wendy and Michael and I could go to next month to honor Autumn. I came across the pumpkin festival in Half Moon Bay which I attended back in 1991. Oh, do I love HMB, and I do wish I could go there to get my pumpkin -- Meet you there! ;-)

Again, I am appreciating having you to share my inner workings and “growings” with.

Please tell me how you and your embies and husband are today.

Muches of loveness for you and all,

Ara

Tuesday, 9/19/00 4:57PM To: Kelli From: Ara

When we talked today you really sounded like you were in a good spot, spiritually speaking. One week away from beta day. So how does that get handled with you? Will you be alone when you “get the call” from the clinic? How will you tell Andy?

...I'm feeling like I'm in a “God's will” place. I'm having fun and I'm okay at this point with either outcome. This is the first time I have felt that way after transfer. I really am in the state of acceptance. I suspect I will be back into my natural state of attachment soon, maybe even tomorrow, ;) but I'm enjoying this moment where I am just able to trust in All That Is.

Wednesday, 9/20/00 7:39AM To: Kelli From: Ara

Good Morning My Precious Cooker-Friend,

Well, I intended to call you last night, but I passed out watching the Olympics. So how early do you get up on the west coast, and how late do you go to bed?

Well, I will be available in my office on your beta test day -- waiting for the word for you.

My uterine signal is louder now, I think that is a good sign. Michael is still way more present with me. I have enjoyed that over the last few months, but especially the last few days.

Back to the books for me. Today I hope to write my first abstract for the week and begin reading the next book; bed rest has of course put me behind schedule.

Wednesday, 9/20/00 12:26PM To: Kelli From: Ara

I can never figure out those birth calculators. If we get a positive this time, when are we due?

Wednesday, 9/20/00 12:59PM To: Kelli From: Ara

Hey, thanks for the help with the calculations on the phone today. I also read today that 75% of IVF babies come two weeks early, and three weeks early for multiple.

Wednesday, 9/20/00 3:51PM To: Kelli From: Ara

I felt my first little twinges in my uterus. I know that, to be accurate, the twinges could be good or bad, but since feeling the buzzing and then nothing later was always bad, I hope that feeling buzzing and then these itsy bitsy twinges are going to mean a positive result. So, here we go, I suspect.

Oddly, Michael, who refuses ever to speculate about anything ever, is talking as if this time it is going to happen. He is kind of freaking me out.

Loving you and all our embies.

Friday, 9/22/00 8:16AM To: Kelli From: Ara

I really enjoyed hearing your voice last night. Now I am just waiting for you to call to say, prayerfully, “I'm pregnant!”

I transferred on Monday, so today is only four days post-transfer, but this morning when I woke up my uterus felt tight as a drum.

I was thinking this morning about how, being pregnant now and staying that way would mean that I would be pregnant with both you and my bio-sister Julie, as she still isn't due until January 1st. That certainly would be fun.

Today, your feeling-pregnant friend, Ara

    Michael is a bit of a collector. He kept all his toys from childhood. He has action figures that are well-loved from many years of adventuring, games still in their edge-worn boxes, and a very matted and loved Winnie the Pooh. His parents had given it to him for his first Christmas, when he was only a couple of months old. There are pictures of him as a toddler, cuddled up and sleeping with his Pooh bear. He loved the classic Pooh, he was very specific about that, not the Disney Pooh. He had bought hardbound copies of the A.A. Milne books as an adult. We agreed we would have to get a new Pooh for our little one. I was grateful for this decision, as his Pooh had been repaired several times by his mother, and well let’s say it certainly was in no condition for passing on. The Particle’s Pooh was one of the items we would put in the nursery. I’d started collecting children’s books, too.

Friday, 9/22/00 3:40PM To: Kelli From: Ara

Counting down with affection for your day on Tuesday. I ordered the classic Pooh that I'm going to give to Michael if we make it (still PG until the end of the next week).

I'm going to make tea after my meditation in a few moments. And like you did the other day with me, I'm going to “have it with you.”

Prayers and love to your family.

Friday, 9/22/00 11:50PM To: Kelli From: Ara

Kelli!!!!!

Owwwww! I am really having cramps! Really! I don't get cramps with my period. These are increasing in intensity. I'm not freaking out, because this is different and the word is it is mostly likely a sign that this one has taken. But Geez Louise, they really hurt! I'm not sure I'm going to be able to sleep if this keeps up. Michael talked to them and told them they could do what they needed to do, but if they could do it any quieter, we would really appreciate it. I do adore him.

Wow, Kelli you are at the point where you can start counting hours instead of days.

Love, Ara and the “Block Party” in Chicago

Saturday, 9/23/00 4:26PM To: Kelli From: Ara

Kelli, I'm losing my mind. I was fine and now quite suddenly I am not. I want to know right now if I am PG or not, and I want to know how many -- NOW, I WANT TO KNOW NOW! I could maybe be more relaxed about it if my body wasn't causing such a ruckus, but it is and I want to know what it is all about. If it is good I want to enjoy it and if it isn't I want to let go of the idea. This is maddening. I have no serenity, none.

Monday, 9/25/00 12:24AM To: Kelli From: Ara

I'm glad you called last night. As usual we tend to freak out in sync. It is hard to know if staying positive is sane, staying detached is sane, or being pessimistic is sane. I think the only thing we can do is be honest about where we are at the time. I certainly do hear your fears and they are just. The one thing I do know is that you are on your way to becoming a mother. Hang in there. Andy is with you. I'm with you. You may feel scared and alone in your heart, but we are by your side, holding your hand. You are not alone. You are loved, in your hopefulness, in your dreams, in the true state of the mother that you already are. This process is just what you are going through to bring your baby to you.

Now you only have to get to tomorrow. What time exactly is your blood test?

You are so very close to stepping off the Suspension Bridge into the place of knowing. Prayers that you are stepping off into an incredible, brilliant new land on the other side.

Monday, 9/25/00 7:40AM To: Kelli From: Ara

Is there anything I can do to support you and Andy in the final hours? Consider it and let me know.

As for me, my uterus is burning. Last night it was a campfire and this morning it was at least 4 times more burny than when I went to sleep.

I am so with you. Today I held you during my entire morning meditation.

Wednesday, 9/27/00 6:15PM To: Kelli From: Ara My Dear Kelli,

Since your call, I have of course been thinking of you all day and, to be honest, I can't stop thinking about Jesus -- his prayers to God in the garden, “Please take this cup from me,” and asking God, “If there is any way that I could not be in this situation, please, God, take it....”

I'm loving you and feeling the desperation of your situation. I unfortunately don't know when and where your solace from this pain will come or when and how the joy of your baby is coming, but I am praying that you can surrender to God on this one.

I want to continue to be by your side as you travel on this path, but I certainly understand that you may need to seek shelter for awhile.

Know I love you deeply.

Thursday, 9/28/00 1:17PM To: Ara From: Kelli

My Dear Ara,

I am overwhelmed right now, I don't know what is next for us. I can't see out of the darkness. I don't know a future where I am not a mother and yet I am so deeply exhausted from the journey that has taken us to this place where still we have no baby. I don't know how long it will take to heal from being struck down again and yet I know that without the healing I can't be open to the path that will bring our baby to us. We knew that this was the last cycle with my eggs, so we know that our next cycle will be with donor eggs, but right now I can't bring myself to even think about it.

But my current pain does not in any way change my connection to you and the journey we are sharing together. I may have to secure myself in a cave during some periods as I move through the coming days and weeks, but I want you to know that you can still reach out to me whatever your outcome is. Nothing can change the soul connection we have, the sisterhood that we have created.

Thursday, 9/28/00 3:29PM To: Kelli From: Ara

Your letter was deeply moving. You have “gone under” each time you have had a negative and I knew with this one being the last one with your eggs, that it was going to be especially difficult. I honestly didn't expect you to surface for another week or two, regardless of my outcome. I would have been worried sick about you, but I would certainly have understood, and still will if you change your mind. I don't want you to be without one of the few people you have felt like you could lean on in this process.

But, I also know that my desire to be a mother is very different from yours and the women on the IVF or most other infertility “sufferers,” and that can or could be crazy-making for you or them. This was, in part, why I didn't participate in the board this third time around. I was being treated like a Buddha freak of sorts or like I'm disinterested, neither of which is accurate. Your spiritual focus allowed us to share in this process in a way that is meaningful for both of us even though our intent about mothering or parenting is different.

I pray that you will find a way through this horrible mess you have been dealt. I'm so sorry that the things that Andy said when you got the news only made things more difficult, all I can say to that is, this process is a very different journey for the men that are on it and that disconnect hurts us both.

Each of us are working through our life and the people in it. You are ever so important to me, and I know that this freak twist of fate is likely to put some kinks in both of our styles for awhile, but I know that it will work its way out, because we have a real friendship. Please know that I want to be available to you, as much or as little as works for you.

Friday, 9/29/00 11:45AM To: Kelli From: Ara

As usual, I'm pissed at my doctor's office. As it turns out the suburban clinic works with a different lab. If I had come in before 7:00 then I could have my results by 9:00, but because I didn't get there until 9:00 I won't have them until 3. Instead of apologizing for the misinformation that was given to me when I was there for my transfer, the bitchy nurse actually berated me. And I hadn't given her any attitude, I was trying to understand what was happening. I know they have to deal with a lot of stressed-out, hormonal women, but they need to do something to deal with their own stress apparently, because they are constantly going off on me and other people that I see there for honestly no reason whatsoever. So there will be an extended wait time for the hardest wait of them all.

    I sat in my office and stared at the clock for twenty minutes, waiting for the second I was allowed to call for results. I knew other women were doing the same. We had the number memorized.

    “Your name?”

    “Ashburne, Ara Lucia.”

    “Birth date?”

    I answered as mechanically as she asked. I knew I was the only patient with that name, but this was the procedure they used to verify who I was and that they were going to give me my results and not someone else’s.

    “Please hold.”

    There was no music. It seemed to take longer than usual. Then it turned out I wasn’t actually on hold―I could hear nurses talking in the background, but I couldn’t hear what they were saying. It was a casual conversation between them.

    I stared at the phone, then looked to my day planner. After all of the abstract debate about whom I would tell first, if it would be my mom or Kelli, now―in the moment―it was clear. Obviously, it would be Michael.

    Then, all of a sudden, she said, “You are pregnant.”

    “What’s the number?”

    I knew a minimum number of 5 was needed for pregnancy and anything over 45 could mean twins. It seemed like everyone who went through this process prayed for twins. Most wanted more than one kid, and to be able to land two out of this hellacious process would truly be the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

    “I can’t tell you the number.” This was unusual. We were always told our numbers.

    “Is it high?”

    “No, it’s not high. You are going to have to talk to your doctor.”

    “Is it low?”

    “I can’t discuss it with you. You need to talk to the scheduler and see your doctor to discuss the number.”

    “Then it’s low. Is there a chance it’s a false positive?”

    “No, you are pregnant. I’m not saying anything else. You have to discuss this with your doctor.”

    “Is there a problem with the number?”

    “The doctor said he is comfortable with the number.”

    “Comfortable?”

I thought.

What could that mean? Odd but acceptable, I guess? But still, what else could it mean? That aside, she said I was definitely pregnant.

    So there it is.

    I didn’t know how I was going to tell Michael, but I knew what I was going to do. We had created a nursery. My friend Diane and I painted a mural with a big tree and a rabbit. There were a few toys in the room with all the books on a high shelf. I went upstairs to the third floor to the nursery and picked up a child-sized musical instrument, the toddler’s keyboard. Then I walked down the three flights of steps to Michael’s music studio.

    I walked in with a smile. He seemed to be in the middle of something, but it didn’t matter to me.

    “You’re gonna need this,” I said, handing him the keyboard.

    “Why is that?” he asked.

    How could he ask? He knew I had been waiting for the call, so how could this be anything other than my way of telling him the yea or nay? I had figured this would be so much sweeter than blurting out, “I’m pregnant.”

    He honestly looked confused, so I said, quietly and calmly with a smile, “We’re having a baby.” He stretched his arms out to me, and I straddled his lap and gave him a hug.

    We didn’t say anything for a very long time. Neither of us cried or laughed. We silently held each other.

    Then he asked the question he so frequently asked when we were done with a meal or an activity: “Now what?”

    But this “Now what?” was actually different because I had to tell him something was up with the number. I said that the nurse explained that I was definitely pregnant, but we would need to see Dr. Kesson. He wouldn’t be available for two more days, so we would have to wait and see what the issue was.

* * *

[blueraspberries]

small collection of trans education resources for cis allies who are interested

what does “cisgender” mean?

what does “transgender” mean?

what does “genderqueer” mean?

what does “non-binary” mean?

in-depth interview with a non-binary genderqueer person about their identity

what does “intersex” mean?

but how does the psychology community feel about trans people?

why is it hard for trans people to access medical care?

other various terms, and some more

[postracialcomments-deactivated2]

A bill proposed by a Republican state lawmaker in Missouri would require a woman seeking an abortion to obtain notarized consent from the baby’s father, even if he is physically abusive toward her.

The bill’s sponsor, State Rep. Rick Brattin, told Mother Jones that while the bill has exceptions for rape victims and to protect the life of the mother, women in domestic violence situations are not exempt from having to ask the father’s permission. “What does that have to do with the child’s life?” Brattin said. “Just because it was an abusive relationship, does that mean the child should die?”

In explaining the bill to Mother Jones, Brattin channeled Todd Akin, the former Republican congressman from Missouri who, during a failed 2012 Senate bid, said that women who are victims of “legitimate rape” have mechanisms in their bodies that prevent them from getting pregnant. Brattin said his bill would require a woman to be able to prove that a “legitimate rape” happened in order to avoid having to ask for a man’s consent for the abortion.

"Just like any rape, you have to report it, and you have to prove it," said Brattin. "So you couldn’t just go and say, ‘Oh yeah, I was raped,’ and get an abortion. It has to be a legitimate rape."

Brattin said he was inspired to introduce the bill on December 3 for the next legislative session, but it has not moved yet in the Missouri House. He said he was inspired to change the laws around abortion consent because he was required to obtain his wife’s consent before having a vasectomy.

Source

Read proposed Bill here

[eve-made-the-right-choice]

Notice the complete lack of empathy for women. Notice that they ask why the fetus should be punished, but no one questions the punishment the mother would inevitably suffer if forced to carry the pregnancy and raise a child under an abusive father’s hatred. Notice that the woman is assumed to be deserving of this punishment unless she can prove that she has already been punished sufficientlyby rape or a threat to her life.

Let me repeat that: In order to prove that she does not deserve an unwanted pregnancy, a woman must prove that she has already been sufficiently punished by either rape or threat to her life. There is no option for her to prove that she is undeserving of punishment altogether. Nor is an environment of fear and abuse is not considered sufficient punishment for her, and it’s certainly not considered sufficient reason to avoid raising a child. This is how we know that forced pregnancy is about punishing women, and not about saving children.

[mrsnaylswildride]

Reconstruction, Chapter 2: Tracking (part 2)

Excerpt from the memoir Reconstruction: First a Body, Then a Life by Ara Lucia Ashburne.

These are the final days of the Kickstarter campaign to help with distribution of the book! There are only 3 days left to get exclusive signed first-edition prints, bookmarks, posters, and more — and once the campaign ends, they'll be GONE! If you like what follows, please consider contributing to the campaign.

First installment is here. Part 1 of this chapter is here.

SFW, 3642 words.

Summary: Enter the life of Ara Lucia Ashburne, a tortured coma patient largely separated from the world of the living, and caught in a hyperreal dream world of pure suffering. This true story follows a turbulent journey from profound love and high hopes, to darkness and despair, and back out the other side to healing redemption.

Ara found an online message board for women going through IVF; once she and Michael began their own IVF process, she started to participate in the board conversations, and became very close with one woman in particular, Kelli, forming the kind of fast friendship that shared struggles can forge.

Author's Note: Except for the sections in italics, what follows is a series of email exchanges between Ara and Kelli.

Tuesday, 8/1/00 9:41PM To: Kelli From: Ara

Kelli!!!!

I am cycling with you this time girlfriend!!! I'm on Day 2 of my period and will be on BCPs [birth control pills] starting Thursday! I will be on leuprolide for 7-10 days [a synthetic analog for a naturally-occurring hormone produced in the brain; used here to suppress the signal that triggers ovulation, so follicles develop without releasing their eggs—this increases the number of eggs which can be collected]. Remember that I’m the slowest stimmer ever, with the stim part of the cycle taking me to the absolute cut-off (14 days) in both of my previous rounds...

Today, I found the sacred object I want to send to you and I will do so by the end of the week.

We are on sister!

So much love,

On the journey,

Beside you,

Ara

Friday, 8/04/00 6:03PM To: Kelli From: Ara

This whole baby situation is so very weird because I don't have a huge deep longing to be a mom. My life is quite full right now. It is only because of my wanting to do this with Michael and his desire to have a biological child. I don't feel like this makes me any less compassionate about you or your full desire to have a family, but at this point with us cycling at the same time and with neither of us being on the board anymore, I worry about you feeling fully supported by me, from this not very normal for IVF place.

Thursday, 8/10/00 3:13PM To: Kelli From: Ara

...On Sunday evening we are going to Michigan to hang out on my Dad's sailboat for two nights and a day. Michael spent a month every summer on his parent's boat as a kid, so he has been eager to have the chance to relive it, so to speak. We also had a boat growing up and the boat is docked almost exactly where my Dad's boat was when I was a kid. I loved the rocking of the boat at night, the smells, and the sounds of the clanking hardware on the other boats. I expect it to be a peaceful respite from all the stress of commuting out of state to school, building my psychotherapy practice and the craziness that we are getting ready to embark on with this third IVF cycle.

Monday, 8/14/00 5:38PM To: Kelli From: Ara

I received your precious gift today as well. I put it on the altar along with the card beside a duplicate of the pen that I sent you. Today I put the water image up. The reaching cherub you sent is placed right in front of the water image.

Tuesday, 8/15/00 12:19AM To: Ara From: Kelli

Well, two hours after I pick up the medroxyprogesterone [a progesterone analog] and take the 1st pill, my stubborn period shows up! So girlfriend, here we go -- IVF #3 FOR US BOTH! This happens to me every time just when I give up on it showing, there she is.

Tuesday, 8/15/00 2:12PM To: Ara From: Kelli

I spoke to my nurse coordinator this morning and we have me set-up with a tentative schedule for my cycle. I go in next Tuesday 8/22 for a saline sono [short for sonogram] to check uterine lining and my pre-leuprolide sono. Start leuprolide 8/24, baseline sono 8/31 and start urofollitropin 9/2.

My expected egg aspiration is Tuesday 9/12 which would have me doing a beta test 9/26th!

I am out of here soon to run errands and have some time to sit and journal. I have my workout clothes on and I will make a stop at the gym while I am out. But I am also finding I enjoy my evening walks so will do that later as well.

How are you?????

   In the middle of jockeying the various stages of daily shots and ultrasounds followed by surgical procedures and excruciating waiting, I began my private therapy practice. I had six regular clients and an occasional one referred to me by Dr. Richard Schwartz, whom I saw whenever Dr. Schwartz was out of town. Dick, as he told us to call him, was the author of Internal Family Systems Therapy and the creator of that psycho-therapeutic model. I sought him out when I was trying to determine which graduate program I should attend so I could begin working with the model.

    It was an inspiring experience for me to work with clients and witness their lives shifting, changing, and transforming to become more aligned with their purpose. I would climb the three floors to our apartment from my ground-floor office beaming. Entering the apartment I’d see Michael at the computer or the electronic music sampler, and every single time I shouted, “I love my job!” And he would laugh and shake his head.

    We felt good. Things were moving forward.

Wednesday, 8/16/00 8:07PM To: Ara From: Kelli

...When you and I get pregnant (and we WILL get pregnant my dear friend) we are going to walk around for weeks not believing it. When you go through such struggles to manifest your dreams and they arrive -- ahhh! But you have worked so hard Ara to not only vision your career path, but have put so much heart into it -- I can feel that all these miles away. You care about making a difference in your clients' lives. I was in the healing/medical field for ten years and sadly not everyone who is in the field really cares about the well-being of their clients/patients.

Friend, I have to share that I am still having a hard time gearing up for this IVF. I started to get this sort of detachment defense after the 1st try. I want this with all my heart. I know that I have to own that desire and be open to the manifestation of my dream. I also know all too well that I have no control over the outcome.... There is where I get stuck -- it is my control issues being brought out BIG TIME. This was the same when Andy and I were first dating, before we had made any commitment to each other. It was very very scary for me. Abandonment is a biggie for me.

We are going to go our favorite café tonight, sit outside and do writing. Journaling all this angst will help me -- it always does.

Wednesday, 8/16/00 9:37PM To: Kelli From: Ara

I understand the attachment/detachment issue and I move back and forth on the balance of the two my own self....

So here we go again. On this wild IVF ride. I always have this subtle hopefulness right after the first meeting with the RE [reproductive endocrinologist], because there are always some adjustments being made to the protocol that make me feel like we are getting a bit closer, increasing our odds just a little.

Friday, 8/18/00 6:03PM To: Kelli From: Ara

...I'm in Michigan and I have to leave here on Sunday as we have to transport Michael’s cryo-sperm, from the lab the doctor used for our first two rounds, to the lab in the suburbs our doc is using for our third round. It is going to be very weird to be in the passenger seat with Michael driving and me holding a tank that contains all of his biological material in the whole world ever, period. It is completely surreal.

Friday, 8/18/00 6:46PM To: Ara From: Kelli

...Much has happened for me emotionally and spiritually since I wrote earlier, sharing my struggle to gear up emotionally.

I shared my struggle with Andy. I asked him to participate in bringing forth the hope and faith we had when we first started this process. This weekend, my darling husband is going to help me create a vision board with lots of hopeful affirming thoughts to look at each day we do the injections....

...I wish you were here across from me, sharing a cup of tea, and I could give you a big hug. I am teary thinking of you and cannot wait to meet face to face. I always wanted a sister that I could be this close with. Thank you, thank you God for bringing Ara, my soul sister, to me.

You are loved.

Kelli

Monday, 8/21/00 10:50PM To: Kelli From: Ara

...I may be cancelled due to a possible vaginal infection. The blood test showed a borderline indication. This happened once before and the follow-up cervical test came back negative. I am on antibiotics regardless. I won't get the final test results back in time to do a second test to see if it is positive, or rather, to see if the antibiotics cured it. So in one week, I will either still be on -- or bumped to the next round to begin again. Praying God is holding me again this time....

Thursday, 8/24/00 12:15PM To: Kelli From: Ara

...Yesterday the nurse called. She was sort of freaked out. In her over 8 years of working there, they have never received cervical culture results in fewer than 6 days, usually a week. In 48 hours they had my NEGATIVE result -- so we are still a go to continue with this cycle -- WHEW!!!!! Between this incident and the crazy occurrence at the pharmacy, where I was the only person whose drugs came in this shipment, I am most certainly feeling protected right now.

We can talk tomorrow about the California visit. All I know right now is that we are leaving Christmas Day and spending most of our time with our friends David and Holly. David is Michael’s friend who is more like the brother he never had. Michael and I figured I could fly ahead of him and see you and then he and I would meet in SF.

Ever so much love and blessing for you in this cycle.

Ara

Saturday, 8/26/00 1:04PM To: Ara From: Kelli

I predict either the 12th or 13th for egg retrieval. I like the no. 13, so I am hoping for that day....

Wednesday, 8/30/00 5:25PM To: Kelli From: Ara

...My horse riding lesson went extremely well today! Although we are going to have to see how this goes. I have another lesson next week, but last time once I got to the stim stage with the swollen ovaries and the pounding up and well it was pretty rough. Will have to see how it goes.

9/1/00 8:28AM To: Kelli From: Ara

Kelli, I can't believe how much the leuprolide shots hurt. We are icing the spot and doing everything we are supposed to do. Today we plan to do a short meditation right before to see if we can both calm down. It is really stressful for both of us. Michael doesn't like causing me pain and of course, I don't like being in pain. The whole shot business seriously sucks.

    We had decided when we started IVF that Michael would administer the shots. He had the steadier hand, and his presence calmed me. However, it also meant we would be joined at the hip for the entire process―multiple stages required a series of daily shots.

    The worst phase was the daily leuprolide shots. It was critical that these be given between 4 and 4:45pm. Plus, the injections burned, not only on the way in but for almost a half hour afterward.

    As the days taking the leuprolide wore on, we both found ourselves dreading the four-o’clock hour. Michael hated so to see me hurting; I felt bad because I couldn’t suck it up better. I felt as though he was already going the distance making himself available to do the shots, allowing me to live my life as unencumbered by this process as possible. He couldn’t take the pain away, but he was infinitely tender and sweet.

    We did the shots in some crazy places. A couple were in parking lots. We feared we were going to have to explain ourselves to an officer or security guard, “We weren’t doing drugs, honest!” Once we had to use a friend’s father’s bathroom who we had met for the first time minutes before. We did it twice on a moving Amtrak train, on our way to and from one of my graduate school seminars in Louisville, Kentucky. Once we thought we were going to have to do an injection in the cramped bathroom of a commercial airplane. We knew how that was going to look! Luckily, a flight delay allowed us to do it in the “family” bathroom of the airport instead.

    During this time, Michael accompanied me to my graduate program’s tri-annual conference meetings. It was on the lengthy train trips from Chicago to Louisville that we shared Marcel Proust. I’d gone to see the play Eleven Rooms of Proust on my own and was so captured by it that I convinced Michael to go with me to see it again the next night. It captured him, too. Soon after, I bought copies of Proust’s books (English translations) to explore first-hand. Michael read passages to me. His glorious, better-than-broadcasting voice reading the delicious prose as we rode the train down to Louisville and back allowed me to transport myself to Victorian Paris and the French countryside. I soaked it up, as I doubted we would have time for this kind of thing once we had a child in our lives. Instead of Proust, Michael would read stories to our forthcoming baby whom we had come to refer to as our “Little Particle.”

    During my first two cycles, I often read on the IVF board about how often couples fought during the IVF process. Frequently, it was because the unbearable urge to be a mother was one many of the men in the couples could not ever fully understand. Therefore they couldn’t appreciate the emotional ramifications of all the highs and lows that come throughout the process of fertility treatments. Often the costs and ongoing disappointment of repeated failures to conceive also put increased strains on marriages relationally and financially. Many didn’t make it. Michael and I had our stresses, but they were due to our operating styles being antithetical to one another. They weren’t about IVF.

    We had only one fight, and it was my fault. Michael was in the middle of band practice, rehearsing with two additional musician friends the group hadn’t worked with before. He left the first-floor music studio to come up to our third-floor apartment to give me the shot. He needed to make it a quick one, as everyone was downstairs waiting for him. Their show was in two days. I needed more time to rally to withstand the pain. We had never really done one quickly, and I couldn’t pull it together. Then he snapped, “Do you want to do this or not? Because if you don’t, we can quit this right now.”

    He glared and me, and I glared back.

    I was stopped cold. He was giving me an out. Did I want it? I thought about why we were doing this. We both knew before all this began I had wanted to adopt. We originally chose this route because Michael had wanted―even felt obligated―to have a biological child, but right there in that moment he was giving me an out. For Michael, going through IVF and having a biological child was all about his parents, Jack and Patty. The truth was, I had been friends with them for the same seven-and-a-half years that I was friends with Michael, before that fated night when we became a couple. For years, I had long talks with Patty over the phone as I moved about the country. In the final months of Jack’s life, he and I had forged a genuine father-daughter relationship, so I had become close to him as well. I may not have loved and respected his parents in exactly the same way as he did, but I certainly understood his devotion to them. I knew how truly amazing they were. And I, too, wanted, in some abstract and profound way, for them to live on.

   “Give me the shot.”

   “Are you sure?”

    “I’m sure.”

    I was in. Now it wasn’t for him, it was for both of us.

    “Let’s do this.”