Mzzamir @mszzpaint - Tumblr Blog

I don't have the right to struggle when I've not eaten enough food.

Easy new hack to find out if you're currently in an OCD spiral!! 😍

Try to do something else for 1 minute and if it feels like you're being violently attacked and like you're throwing away important thoughts and insight that will solve everything... then it was OCD. ❤️

Hope this helps ☺️

#actually ocd #obsessive compulsive disorder #mental health #tf is OCD #tf is wrong with me #is this normal #are other people like this #everyone I know irl is not like this #am I creating my own mental illness #is that how OCD is supposed to feel #😭 how do I stop thinking without stopping thinking cause that's a fucking compulsion #should I try converting to a new religion #maybe worship like the greek gods #they aren't real but what is real #everything is constructed #everything is fake #if I choose to accept that am I insane or am I wrong or am I #am I playing with meanings and definitions #never accepting anything.#I'm just ranting wth #on the internet #yay me #I hope I heal.#but am I polluting the ability to heal by saying that in that framing #is that the wrong way to think about it.#I feel like my life would be better if I could honestly believe the earth is flat

I just meditated for 10 minutes in a park and I feel great...

OCD: 2,124,448,321...

Me: 1

#mental health #meditation #idk how to meditate #maybe I just sat with my thoughts without judging or arguing with them but instead nudging my back to the planned activity.#is that meditation #I should not question it #I should just keep this good feeling going #actually ocd #fuck OCD #I do not like spiralling #the voices the voices get them gone #I do not need to question this feeling #I do not need to convert to a religion or belief system that prioritises meditation because clearly that's the only thing I can rely on now #maybe my OCD calmed down because I was bored #maybe it gets louder when I try to do something #because if I do something. Im basically agreeing to the earths terms and conditions that I am alive #wtf is any of this #should I up my meds or actually do ERP.#but how do you do erp for mental compulsions #idgaf about my physical compulsions #if the water in my bottle isn't real water then I'm not drinking it.#if I wanted it to be real edible water then I would replace it with real water #in a new water bottle because that one is contaminated. like it might be bleach instead of real water #why the fuck did I let myself spiral.#I was happy #but also ahhhhhhh #food isn't real food isn't real #water is bleach water is bleach #is this still OCD or am I just like this

I don't know how to be myself... I feel like she's so underdeveloped, she's just happy and excited.

She's not safe outside, she can't handle the world around her so she escaped into her mind.

Maybe she can learn, maybe I can be there when it's too much.

Maybe I can let her out when it's safe and she can get used to existing before I force her to be around other people.

#I feel like if I isolated for a month I could finally find out who I am and start being able to exist #socially anxious #maybe I would go insane instead #idfk this is how I understand my brain

Religious people struggle with their faith, they struggle to trust God.

I left religion because I couldn't stop questioning everything about it and nothing held up.

Since then i've found nothing that holds up to my relentless questions.

I struggle to trust myself, trust I exist, trust anything matters, trust I am allowed to exist as me.

Maybe it's my questions that are the problem. Maybe unending doubt isn't valuable. Maybe faith isn't a moral failing.

Maybe I can learn to trust.

#existential ocd #actually ocd #obsessive compulsive disorder #mental health #im so tired #I want to go #but you can't leave behind yourself

Not following my OCD spirals feels like I'm a cackling loon happily carving out my brain shouting I love idiocy, I love not thinking.

Im so numb, part of me is being forcibly shut off and im supposed to just ? Be okay with that. Is it not part of me because it's OCD? I don't know existence without it, how can I just live and survive when I've scooped away half of who I am.

I feel so drained of the joy, happiness and energy.

I'm just letting days pass, lying down my mind wandering from obsession to obsession.

I know what I'm supposed to do I think? I don't trust it. I don't trust anything, I don't trust the language im using to say I don't trust anything.

Why am I writing here instead of my diary.

I don't have psychosis I just have freaking OCD wtf.

#actually ocd

I got soup.

My brain is screaming that I'm gonna die, I don't know how but oh boy is my brain trying to find out.

I love the graphic detail and physical sensations that go along with it

😍

Mmm good soup.

#actually ocd #is this harm OCD?#I just thought it was existential OCD #cause if I don't have a good enough reason to live then this is inevitable #but idk #this shit is just OCD idfk #god I want that lobotomy god please give me it.#should I up my meds #💔💔 fuck I actually have to do exposure therapy wtf even is that

banana-can-do-art

Sometimes I think I’m having really deep thoughts, and then I voice them to anyone who doesn’t have existential OCD and they’re just like wtf does that mean?!

mszzpaint

Twin but I don't voice them because I'm worried I'll be seen as psychotic, but then I worry that the part of me that wants to not say these thoughts is the psychotic part protecting itself from being discovered.

#get me out of my brain #lobotomy #i need a lobotomy #actually ocd #isolation is probably not the best idea #but if I talk to someone about my thoughts is that seeking reassurance ergo a compulsion #fuck my fucking chungus life #I am actually very happy but maybe my Zoloft lobotomised me

hillhouseeleanor

The Vampire Lestat by Anne Rice // To Be Or Not To Be, That Is The Obsession: Existential and Philosophical OCD by Fred Penzel // The Aesthetics of Fear by Joyce Carol Oates

mszzpaint

😭💔

I was gonna get soup...

"Life doesn't have existential meaning, but I guess I need to find out if I value existential meaning and if that should have any jurisdiction over my life and understanding"

The voices the brain voices can they shut the fuck up.

#actually ocd #obsessive compulsive disorder #actually mentally ill #spiral #existential ocd #existentialism

I'm like a passive king who gets easily swayed by his advisors.

And I'm confused on which advisor to trust. When I really need to stop being so passive.

#victim mentality #actually ocd #mental health #digital diary #hell is a teenage girl #plurality #hell is an adult woman #I feel like I haven't developed as a person #and I think feeling like I need to be developed as a person is part of the trap

hrts4yara

mszzpaint

😭I'm not freaking psychotic I jst have OCD.

Gawwdamn these spirals pull me into them. I'm not even convinced I'm out of it. Fucking hell fuck OCD

If I learn more about psychosis is that a compulsion or healthy

exhuastedpigeon

Sometimes you hear a song and a fic pops into your head full formed. This is a trap. The fic may be fully formed in your brain, but you still Have to write it down. This is an important step that most people forget about.

thepersonalquotes

mszzpaint

😭but I thought I was fiiiiineeeee

Got too high and realised I have cripplingly low self worth

I'm thinking myself into being mentally unwell, I'm thinking myself into apathy and suicide.

Why is my brain against me.

I am happy, that does not need to be challenged.

#obsessive compulsive disorder #tw suicidality #actually ocd

hours pass by, days start, days end, laying still in my bed.

It's not the rot I appreciate, it's the acceptance that my actions do not need to be allowed, justified, right.

I can be wrong, I can choose wrong.

If I'm a plant, inside this rot is where my roots grow, unsurfaced, unseen,

#battenburg cake SOLOS omg I've had 4 since finding out you can just eat them like an apple #life a compost heap #mental health #bed rotting #dirty bulking strategy

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