Little Known Biology Facts About D&D Species
Humans: Humans don't exist. The concept comes from misidentified sightings of weasels who have been given adorable people clothes for the purpose of Facebook photos.
Dwarves: Unlike other species who have long lifespans due to divine blessings, Dwarves don't age because their genomes aren't fucking quitters.
Elves: Elves are marsupials. Other species don't notice because instead of storing their young, their pouches are used to store the excess smugness they couldn't fit in their central nervous system.
Goblins/Gnomes: This is actually a single species with extreme sexual dimorphism. If you're wondering which sex is goblins and which is gnomes? Don't worry, so are they.
Halflings: Halflings physically require tea and biscuits once a week or their hair dyes itself edgy colors and they grasp the concept of dubstep. Only large amounts of Enid Blyton books and crumpets can reverse this transformation.
Dragons: Dragons are actually only 15 inches long at full adulthood. It's just that like many lizards they puff up when threatened and you're adventurers so you only meet them when threatening them.
Orcs: In an act often misidentified as raiding, Orcs are the ones putting people clothes on the weasels and sharing the images on facebook. It's part of how they achieve homeostasis.
Kobolds: Basically what they look like TBH. They're funky little lizard guys, what more do you want?
More facts!
Giants: Giants bypass the square-cube law by careful metabolic functions, simplified anatomy, and throwing up any physicists who raise objections into the sky
Trolls: As well as physical wounds, trolls rapidly heal emotional wounds, an evolutionary adaption to the epidemic of tragic backstories in most D&D settings.
Elementals: that's not biology! Get out of here moist boy.
Owlbears: Cough up pellets to catch salmon and can turn their head to hibernate in winter
Tarrasque: The adult form of hedgehogs
Giant Spiders: Really just normal spiders but giant, it's kind of cheating to be honest.
Bugbears: Despite the name, not related to either bugs or bears. They're actually a kind of flowering plant.
Gelatinous Cube: Look, evolution was going through a phase, OK? Bet the things you made in your youth don't hold up either, huh, Captain Edgy Sonic OC?
Beholders: Little known fact! Beholders are actually [REDACTED BY WOTC LAWYERS]
