on the surface, dean winchester is the personification of toxic masculinity (short of the very worst of it, like aggressive misogyny/rape): guns, violence, cars, porn, alcohol, sleeping around, aggressive heterosexuality, rock music, the fear of being perceived as gay or feminine, stuffing/denying his feelings, “no chick flick moments”, on and on.
and over fifteen years, we saw every single layer of that toxic masculinity peeled away.
we saw how almost all of that toxic masculinity was based on the abuse he suffered at his father’s hands, which is an incredibly common experience for men. his father tore him down and put too much pressure on him, instilled in him a deep lack of self-worth and overwhelming insecurity that dean pasted over with as much swagger and bravado as he could scrounge up. dean started out as a soft little boy who loved his mom, and then that softness was brutalized out of him by his father’s abuse.
dean’s alcoholism is a coping tactic for his trauma. his love for his classic car is because his car is the only home he’s had since he was four. his music is one of his only connections to his childhood and his parents, before john turned into an abuser. when dean has a safe home to call his own, he’s ecstatic. he loves his bedroom, he loves cooking in his kitchen, he likes keeping the place clean, he likes taking care of people in his home, and he doesn’t drink too much until the trauma is overwhelming again.
dean can’t talk about his feelings because he doesn’t believe he’s worthwhile enough to even HAVE feelings, much less allow himself the vulnerability of letting others see his weakness or need. dean knows he can’t be weak, so he pours his emotions into anger and violence. over time, we see dean learning how to have real conversations with the people he trusts, even learning how to admit that he isn’t fine. when dean values himself enough to admit his weaknesses and needs, he has open and honest conversations with other people about his feelings.
dean sleeps with a lot of women because, yes, he likes sex, but also because sex is the only kind of intimacy he allows himself to have and he’s starved for affection. after dean lost his mother, no one touched him kindly or held him anymore and he was forced into the role of caretaker and child soldier. we see that dean is sometimes the submissive one in sex with women, he’s gentle and caring with them, and we’re textually told that what dean wants most is a permanent life partner, not more one night stands. dean wants love and a relationship, and over time he goes from “no chick flick moments” to being able to give and receive affection from friends and family instead of isolating physical contact to sex partners.
dean’s aggressive heterosexuality and homophobia is clearly overcompensation for his own queerness and how desperate he is to cover that up. dean loves women, of course, that’s an important part of his identity, but he drapes himself in elaborate straightness to make sure no one ever suspects that he loves men too. over time we see dean’s projected homophobia lessen and disappear, we see him have his “gay thing” with aaron without getting overly defensive about it, we have him find out that his best friend is in love with him and still behave with desperation to get him back. he lets himself relax on the aggressive heterosexuality, wearing nice clothes, drinking cucumber water, making a mixtape for another man(-shaped being), etc.
and ultimately, we see dean learn to break the cycle of abuse by becoming a father himself, one who fucks up but doesn’t shred his kid’s self-worth or put the weight of the world on his shoulders.
supernatural takes the avatar of toxic masculinity, tears him down to his base traumas, and lets him heal into a kind man who loves books, hugs his dog, bops his head to taylor swift, talks about his feelings, apologizes when he hurts others, relaxes his need for violence, falls in love and has a healthy relationship.
dean winchester is an allegory of the deconstruction of toxic masculinity.
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