Zoey’s Awakening @mufty85 - Tumblr Blog

I'm a gay virgin and will you be my first?

Oh you... where to start...First, I don’t know you. I don’t sleep with people I don’t know. I might be trans, I might be a sub, I might be bisexual, I might be into consensual non-monogamy. But none of that makes me promiscuous. Get your biases right.Second, I’m a woman. I might be trapped in a male body, but I’m a woman. If you’re gay, you might want to examine what you’re looking for. There are plenty of gay men out there. I promise.Zoey xx

So this is me, by Zoey

I wrote the following text first to @deadlyredlupa after a weekend where I was no fun to be around at all. I could barely get off the sofa, the grief was so painful.

It was written as an apology. It was written as a promise. To her and to myself.

Warning: Possible triggers below

So this is me. Trying to climb out of my hole. Trying to think constructively and positively after a weekend of misery.

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I’m trying to be ok with that.

I’m trying to be ok that I’m losing my wife. Someone who changed my life for the better all those years ago and who I still can’t fully imagine being without. I’m trying to figure out how a trial separation would work. Because right now being without her feels like a distant nightmare.

I’m trying to be ok. But I’m not. Not yet.

I’m trying to be ok that I don’t know what I’m doing with my health and gender. I don’t know which future bring me more hope or scares me more.

I’m trying to be ok that if I choose female I might always feel disappointed because I think my Dysphoria is tricking me that I can be younger, prettier, a different shape and a totally different person.

I’m trying to be ok that I’m starting late. That hormones might be slow for me, or that my commitment to practicing will slow down my development. When I can’t change so much, I’m scared I’ll feel like some sort of half breed misfit, not meeting my own perfectionist standards.

I’m trying to be ok that if I’m not able to be the woman I want to be, I’ll be even less comfortable than I am today. I’ll retreat into isolation. It’s a dark place. A lot like my hole I find myself in now. But with even fewer ways out.

I’m trying to be ok that the risk of being a misfit is losing the attributes that make me successful. That I’ll lose that natural ability to inspire, amuse, lead. And with that I’ll lose a career and community that I feel at one with, even if it upsets me so very frequently.

I’m trying to be ok. But I’m not. Not yet.

I’m trying to be ok that if I choose Male, this headache and all my anxieties might never go away. I’m trying to be ok that my Dysphoria might flare up at any time and make me feel just plain wrong and like a life half lived.

Im trying to be ok that my sexual preferences make me “too much” for many. That even without my gender issues I might alienate people I care about. I’m trying to be ok that having kinks makes me “scary”. That being poly makes me “unfaithful”. That being sex positive makes me “STI positive”.

Im trying to be ok. But I’m not. Not yet.

I’m trying to be ok that there are three people living in my heart. My wife who has elevated my life for so long, but who struggles with my gender and sexual preferences. My northern girlfriend who has let me experiment: experiencing an early version of Zoey and experiencing kinky sex in the way I feel it should be shared. And my foreign fancy: the girl who was never meant to be, but makes my personality sing so easily.

I’m trying to be ok that I love them all, for they bring so much to my life in ways which are unique to them.

I’m trying to be ok that my choices will lead me to lose some or all of them. Deadname or Zoey? Vanilla or kink? I’m trying to be ok that everyday I experience something that reinforces that I’m losing one of them, or another. I’m trying to be ok that I feel guilty, even when I know I shouldn’t.

I’m trying to be ok. But I’m not. Not yet.

I’m trying to be ok that I don’t have the answers. I’m trying to be ok that I’m petrified of it all. I’m trying to be ok that sometimes I want it all to stop.

I’m trying to be ok.

But I’m not.

Not yet.

But I will be ok with all of that. One day.

Zoey xxx

#transition #transgender #transgirl #mtf #pre hrt #prehrt #pre everything

fullmetal-vagina

I made a diary entry like comic for pride month. Enjoy.

mufty85

Thank you for making this. I see it at a time that I feel incredibly fragile, but this goes a long way to explain what I feel right now.

Zoey xxx

Transiton update: 5th August 18

Is this the start of it all?

It’s only been a week since my last post, but it feels like so much has happened.

Monday

The week started with the final pain management appointment for my headache... with the conclusion that yes, we’ve exhausted all options, they haven’t worked, and that the headache is likely a psychosomatic symptom of my Dysphoria. No more denial. Just acceptance.

Later that same day I had the first consultation for voice feminisation therapy. I got on really well with the therapist, the only downer was the voice analysis. She showed me the frequency ranges for normal cis females and normal cis males. My voice is way lower than “normal” cis males. I have a LOOOONG journey ahead with my voice, but that’s what I expected. Let’s get going!

Tuesday

Tuesday started with a consultation at Sk:n for laser hair removal. In a couple of weeks time I’m going to start full body and face hair removal. We did some test patches: I didn’t feel anything on my leg and arm, but the face was pretty sore. I wonder what other areas of my body will hurt 😳😖

Later on Tuesday, I had a really positive session with my GP. Whether or not they’d support shared care with my private gender practitioners (which saves me the cost of regular blood tests and buying my hormones) has been on my mind a while. The good news is that it turns out they will! They were also happy to do my NHS referral to my local GIC (Gender Identity Clinic). I’m now at the bottom of a two year waiting list... but it eventually might come in helpful for the later stages of my transition.

Wednesday

This was my first day back at work. Not much going on. I did however have an amazing discussion with my line manager. While I’d been away, she had been looking into what experience the company has in support trans people. Turns out I’d be the second in the company globally. But she’s pulled together a team who have experience from the first to figure out how best to support me.

My current job isn’t exactly transition friendly. I fly every week overseas for 3-4 days, and work extremely long hours. We’re now looking for an alternative role for me in the business and the great news is we think we’ve found it. I just need to make it through the interview process.

Friday

I think this was the best news of the week. I had my counselling session with my psychologist. Ok, we talked a lot about the emotional impact of what happening at home (more on this in a sec), but we also talked about medical pathways to transition.

Last week he warned me that the wait times at the Londen Transgender Surgery had jumped to 6 months. Today he told me that they had been able to reduce back down to 2-3 months. That’s crazy! I’m so happy about it.

But what about your marriage, Zoey?

Things have been tough at home this week. My wife’s first few days back at home after making her decision to leave were up and down. We’ve had some really upset evenings at home. At times I’ve felt so incredibly guilty that this is happening to her. It changes her life in really horrible ways as she will lose her right to live and work in the UK.

But she’s already starting to come to terms with it and I got a message on Friday: “when you’re home, can we go out for dinner”. I was so surpised, but we went out had a nice evening. We had great conversations to help her understand gender, sexuality, transition and everything a bit better. It will be a few months before she leaves, so we also agreed that we want to show each other compassion in these last months and we want to enjoy the last few months of our companionship.

There will still be bumps, but from here, we both hope to take out the hurt and the upset, and instead live positively together.

So it’s all starting to happen

I’m excited that the new chapter is starting. I’m scared about certain parts of it, but I’m determined to over come those fears. But at the same time I’m sad that a chapter is closing. My wife changed my life for the better. I love her dearly. But she has made a choice I respect. It hurts, but it’s right.

Love to you all,

Zoey xx

#transgender #transgirl #mtf #pre hrt #prehrt #transition #transition update #my story

A role reversal?

I’ve spent my life being the guy in this picture. I’ve felt love from this direction. I’ve felt the desire to be strong and to support my partner. At times it felt natural, but when I’m tired, worn out, stressed, under pressure, I always felt that armour falling away and couldn’t explain why. Underneath there was something I didn’t understand.

But now I’m excited. Excited that one day, I might be playing the role on the right of this image. Adoring the individual I’m with, knowing that they will keep me safe.

Love is a wonderous thing and I have much to explore.

❤️

Zoey xxx

#love #transgirl #transition #transgender #mtf

Chill out clothes

So I was slumming round the house today. Had space to be in girl mode, so decided to see what I look like when I’m wearing everyday clothes.

Not as sexy as some posts, but still hot right?

Please REBLOG and FOLLOW if you like my content. I’m trying to post daily, so it should be worth it.

If you’d like to, support me on Ko-fi. All donations go towards clothes or the costs of my transition.

Zoey xxx

#feminization #feminisation #transgender #trap #trans #transgirl #mtf #Pre HRT #preHRT #pre everything #me

lesbiansgoal

anotherlesbianandwhat

xxx

mufty85

Another picture that gives me all the feels

There is something about female relationships that allows an intimacy, a closeness that I find missing in male relationships.

Sharing a bath, in itself is intimate, but the cuddle, the laugh, the smiles make it seem so much more than that.

This inspires me.

Zoey xx

Not so much a question, but I just wanted to let you know that we see you. Your grief over the loss of your relationship is valid. Your desire to fully realize yourself is valid. We love you ❤

Thank you for this message. It’s incredibly reassuring at a difficult time. My transition fills me with hope. But it doesn’t eradicate the sadness of what is left behind.Zoey xxxx

Ep 5: Booty Call Booty Pics

I’m a very lucky girl

I was just able to spend an amazing 12hrs with the astonishing @deadlyredlupa in an Airbnb not far from where she lives. If you’re lucky, she might write a detailed account of our day over on her blog - go check it out. Thank you for loving me and accepting me Lupa. Love you to pieces xxx

During the day I took some booty pics to tease a kik group we’re part of. I thought I’d share them here

Please REBLOG and FOLLOW if you like my content. I’m trying to post daily, so it should be worth it.

If you’d like to, support me on Ko-fi. All donations go towards clothes or the costs of my transition.

Zoey xxx

#transgender #transition #trans #transgirl #mtf #booty call #booty shorts #me

Transition Update: 29th July 2018

What’s happened this month, and the ultimatum resolved

(This is Lego Zoey. @deadlyredlupa gave me this as a reminder of where I’m going that I can carry with me when I’m in boy mode. I can’t think of a more perfect gift)

It’s been nearly a month since my last update...

Not because nothing is happening (lots is!), but because nothing is really changing. There is some big news tho, so keep reading, but first here’s a quick rundown on the last month:

I came out to some key people at work. One of them cried. But they were all hugely supportive and want to do what they can to ensure work remains a solid part of my identity while everything else is changing.

I came out to my closest friends from uni times. Without exception, they wanted me to know they love me regardless of who I am. They make me feel very lucky

I went on holiday with my wife and parents. My parents didn’t know. We wanted it to be a holiday like old times, knowing it could be our last holiday together. It was a perfect week of denial.

I came out to my parents. After the first conversation I would describe them as surpised, confused but ultimately supportive. I went to see them again a few days later and the discussion was much more challenging. It might have been my mood swings, but I felt much less certain that they support me after it. I’m not sure where this will lead.

I took myself away for a few days to think. I booked an Airbnb a long way from home to spend solid time dressed, and with space to think about my dilemma and the future I wanted. I also got time to spend a day with @deadlyredlupa , but I’ve talked about that in other posts. I felt so unhappy and Dysphoric as I drove home and back to reality that I couldn’t see anything other than a future with transition.

I learned I might have a delay before I can start HRT. Apparently the transgender clinic that’s part of the group I have my therapy with has just announced a 6 month wait time. I know it’s short compared to NHS wait times, but it’s come as a bit of a surprise. He advised me to look into a few other pathways, which I’m now doing. I just feel derailed by it to be honest.

But all that isn’t the reason for my post

Tonight I picked my wife up from the airport. She had spent the week on holiday with her family. I asked her to use the time to talk with them and to figure out what’s right for her.

We spent a few hours talking and getting upset, but ultimately she told me that no matter what I decide (transition or Dysphoria management) that the right thing for her is to leave me. She doesn’t want to see me transition, and she feels the alternative leads to the risk that I decide to transition later when the other option doesn’t work.

On that point I agree with her, and it’s what I decided for sure while I was away: that my only future is transition.

So now we have the prospect of divorce and separation ahead of us

While I knew this would be the likely outcome, I’m feeling an intense level of grief. I’m losing my lover, my best friend and my companion of the last 7 years. We have a fundamentally strong relationship, and both of us are losing it thanks to something we didn’t expect, didn’t choose and didn’t ask for.

I know it’s a bump on the way to being true to myself, and I’m glad she’s reached a decision which is right for her. But I’m sad. I’m sad at the immense costs that being trans charges on my life.

Inside I know it will all be worth it, but right now I just feel grief

Love you all,

Zoey xx

#transition #coming out #transgender #transgirl #transition update #mtf #my story

Ep 4: Booty Call Booty Pics

I’m a very lucky girl

During the day I took some booty pics to tease a kik group we’re part of. I thought I’d share them here

Please REBLOG and FOLLOW if you like my content. I’m trying to post daily, so it should be worth it.

If you’d like to, support me on Ko-fi. All donations go towards clothes or the costs of my transition.

Zoey xxx

PS: apologies for the bum fur... I have my first laser hair removal in a few days, so can’t keep myself smooth as a baby seal. Zoey x

#transgender #transition #trans #transgirl #mtf #booty call #thong #me

Ep 1: Booty Call Booty Pics

I’m a very lucky girl

During the day I took some booty pics to tease a kik group we’re part of. I thought I’d share them here

Please REBLOG and FOLLOW if you like my content. I’m trying to post daily, so it should be worth it.

If you’d like to, support me on Ko-fi. All donations go towards clothes or the costs of my transition.

Zoey xxx

#transgender #trans #transition #transgirl #booty call #thong #me

The future of this blog?

First, here’s a quick booty pic I took yesterday

I just made a bit of a test - I’d love to know what you think

You might have just noticed me reblog a picture. I’ve not done that often. Initially I intended this blog to be about me and my exploration of my gender and my transition.

Most of you spotted my hiatus over the last month or so. A combination of being back at work and dealing with the fall out of coming out as trans means i haven’t been able to sustain daily posts.

Truth is I’m not sure I have the time (or the wardrobe!) to sustain daily posting on content of me, be it photos or updates.

Since I’ve come back, it’s been hard to get traffic onto my blog

I have over 2000 lovely followers, but even my new content only got a fraction of notes to before. I’m down on reblogs and likes, and that reduces comments, questions and messages.

I don’t know whether there is a summer lull, or whether Tumblr has an algorithm that is reducing my visibility because I’m not posting enough or growing fast enough.

I love interacting with you all

But that relies on you guys liking and reblogging my content so more people get to see it and more people follow my blog. It also seems to rely on daily posting.

So my plan is to fill the gaps where I have no new me content, with other stuff that I like. I’ll continue to add text to my reblogs and external content explaining what it means to me.

Boys, don’t worry, it won’t all be girl/girl stuff

For reasons that will soon become apparent, I’m in that headspace right now. But don’t worry, boys and Cock are never far from my mind.

So tell me what you think. Should I sustain daily posts with meaningful external content?

Zoey xxx

What do you look like according to you (your dream look)?

Oh wow… this is an amazing question!

Of course I have a vision in my head of what I’d like to be, but it’s all the illusions my Dysphoria trick me into wanting. I’d love to be younger, shorter, with athletic curves, beautiful long dark hair and a picture perfect face.

This will never happen of course. But while I have my beauty ideals, what matters to me most is something I’ve said before: I want to pass. I’ll do whatever therapies and surgeries it takes (or I can afford). I’ve no idea what will come out at the end of it, but I hope I’m happy.

Zoey xxx

#ask