hi!! I’m not too sure if this is just me but it’s not letting me access ur masterlist or any links u put up in ur posts!! It always takes me to an error page :(
omg i noticed that too yesterday i thought it was just me 😭😭 sorry lemme try to fix it rn!
𖤣.𖥧.𖡼.⚘ ── love triangle. angst & some humor. smau.
⌞ lee heeseung x female reader x park sunghoon ⌝
synopsis ᛝ time and time again, heeseung has used you as an outlet to complain about the thousands of times women have done him dirty. but at this point in time, you’re fed up of hearing the same story over and over again. and somehow… you being friends with sunghoon is something he also problem has a problem with?
contents & warnings will be listed in each part
STATUS: ongoing !!! [ 04/21/2026 - tbd ]
CHAPTERS
01) part one: different girl
02) part two: i am nothing like him
03) part three: not your problem
04) part four: can’t stop thinking about it
05) part five: everyone is confusing me
06) part six: nothing
07) part seven: not my name
08) part eight: you are my problem
09) part nine: all the little unimportant details
10) part ten: like a civil conversation
11) part eleven: he’s a good guy
12) part twelve: how my heart bleeds ➛ (written)
13) part thirteen: out of pure goodwill
14) part fourteen: muscle memory
15) part fifteen: she’s not the one hurting me
16) part sixteen: the other one
17) part seventeen: tongue-tied
18) …loading…
19) …loading…
and more parts to come !!!
notes; i think this might become my longest smau and i wanted to give the parts titles too… so i decided to make a masterlist to make things a bit easier and to stay organized !
ARCHIVE ──── ✧₊⁺ 🎞️ series, opposites attract golden retriever x black cat high school!au basketballplayer!heeseung loner!reader strangers to lovers wc: 7k cw: mentions of sh, suicide
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you found yourself staring up at the entrance to the school, hands damp with sweat and wrapped around the strap of your bag with the force of a lethal chokehold.
well. this certainly was not stressful as fuck. you definitely weren't shitting your pants where you stood.
the shadow of the building felt more like the shadow of a grim reaper that had come to collect your soul—had you died of a stroke thanks to all the cortisol flooding your systems?
maybe that would be more of a mercy than what was about to happen.
but you took a breath, steeling yourself against the thought of everything that could go wrong—
and took the first step forward.
you'd arrived early for once, in hopes that you'd be able to avoid the crowd and make it to your seat without fuss.
though nobody besides heeseung had noticed your absence, probably.
and that girl, perhaps.
you hadn't even learned her name, you realized with a cringe. probably a dumb move considering everything, but the thought of surfing instagram to find it...?
you'd already been nervous enough thinking about confronting her. the idea of having to see her face prematurely, even through a screen, was daunting.
god. when had you become such a coward? your mom was right. enough was enough. it was time to man up.
you made it to your classroom in one piece, thanking god you didn't run into anyone you knew—namely, heeseung. or the girl.
you sunk into your seat with a sigh, clutching your bag to your chest and squeezing it like it was one of the cloud-soft plushies on your bed.
you were the only one in the room, the teacher nowhere to be seen. it was just you and the ominous tick tock of the clock, the hands counting down the minutes until heeseung would inevitably arrive.
what would you even do when he came? what would you say? how would you act? did he hate you now? would he treat you differently after you'd cut ties with him so coldly?
you sighed again, shaking your head to clear it and turning to look out the window—
heeseung was there.
you jolted, heart stopping as you made eye contact with the boy you'd been so torn up over—had your overwhelming thoughts manifested him?!
truly, luck was not on your side today.
his eyes widened as he spotted you through the window three stories up, and he seemed frozen for a moment, glued to the ground mid-step—
your body moved before you could think. before you could stop it, your hand came up to give him the tiniest of waves—
it seemed heeseung's body began moving on its own as well, as he broke out into a surging sprint that shot him out of your line of sight and into the building.
well fuck.
you wanted to curl up into a ball, or perhaps lock the door to your classroom as you sat frozen in your chair.
heeseung was on his way. and he'd be here any second now with how fast he was running.
oh, you weren't ready for this. you weren't ready to see him. you thought you'd have time, that you'd be able to deliberate over what to say, how to say it, that you would tell him everything after school. that you'd be able to compose yourself and steel your mind—
bam!
the door slammed open, and heeseung stumbled in, panting and hunched over and wearing this expression that you just couldn't describe as he lurched forward—
huh?
and suddenly he was in front of you, kneeling before your seat as he wrapped his arms around you and buried his face in the crook of your neck.
"i missed you," he mumbled, chest still heaving from his dash into the building and up the multiple flights of stairs. "i missed you so much."
his unexpected show of affection—or perhaps it was the fact that he did not blame you, did not treat you coldly like you expected—caught you off guard, threw you off balance.
maybe that was what allowed those damn words to slip through.
"i missed you too," you whispered, a hand coming to rest on his back awkwardly.
he seemed to breathe a sigh of relief—or perhaps it was just a forceful exhale as he continued to gulp down air—as he melted into you a little.
"but... aren't you mad at me? for what i said?"
he pulled away to look you in the eyes, head cocking.
"huh? of course not. sad, sure, but not angry. i was more angry at myself for not taking your feelings into consideration... if anything, you should be angry at me—”
you shook your head, jaw clenching. "no, no, i didn't mean it. any of it. everything i said was untrue. i... i was..." you stumbled over your words, hesitating. what should you say?
"it's okay. take your time." heeseung patted your clenched hands reassuringly, a kind smile brightening his face.
you exhaled, massaging your temples. where should you even start?
"i... i was... someone..." you cleared your throat, inhaling deeply in a futile attempt to calm yourself down. "um... there's a lot i have to explain, but before i say anything else, i should probably tell you some things about myself..."
you fidgeted with the hem of your uniform's skirt, throat tightening as he nodded, listening intently.
"i—”
the door slammed open, and in poured a group of your classmates, chattering and laughing and shouting—
you tried to jerk away from heeseung, tried to push him away, the action more instinct than intention, but heeseung kept his feet firmly planted even as your hands unconsciously shoved at his shoulders.
"hey. do you wanna get out of here?" he stood and shifted so he was the only thing in your line of sight, his broad shoulders creating a private room just for you two.
you blinked.
"i mean, i know you missed school for a week so maybe skipping another day isn't possible, but it seems like you'd be more comfortable talking somewhere else—”
"yes."
you stood instantly, making him jolt back in surprise—but it only lasted a heartbeat before he smiled gently, extending a hand towards you.
"alright. let's go."
you took it.
you could feel curious gazes following you as you followed heeseung out of the room, hand in hand, door shutting with a sharp clack behind you.
but honestly? you didn't care as much as you thought you would.
you could only focus on the feel of heeseung's hand wrapped around yours—you had no idea it was so big. or callused. or warm.
you didn't even realize you'd exited the building until a burst of sunlight hit your face, blinding you.
you looked back down to where heeseung continued to lead you past the school gates, ignoring the inquisitive stares of the small stream of students going the other way.
"where should we go?" he asked as you finally made it out, stepping past the gates, outside the boundaries of the school property.
you were free.
you thought for a moment, staring at where your hands were joined—perhaps he thought you didn't like it, (did you?) ripping his hand away, face flushing as he realized what, exactly, he'd been doing. "sorry! i don't think before i act sometimes, and i get carried away easily—"
"no, no, don't worry. i..." you hesitated. "i didn't hate it."
"thank goodness." he seemed to deflate, all the tension he'd gone stiff with melting away. "now, where would you be most comfortable talking?"
"hm..." again pondering the question, you crossed your arms over your chest. somewhere secluded would be best. somewhere you were comfortable. somewhere you didn't have to worry about being overheard. somewhere you could be alone.
"... would my place work?" you remembered the first time he'd come over—that time, he'd been the one to suggest going to your place—now, amazingly, you'd willingly volunteered up your apartment. "only if you're comfortable, of course."
"no, no, i should be the one saying that. are you sure?"
you nodded. your mom was gone, smacking you with a stern warning to go to school (and confront your problems) in the morning, before begrudgingly leaving for work. there was no one that would interrupt you.
"okay, then. let's go."
when heeseung stepped into your apartment this time, it didn't feel quite so awkward. some traces of bumbling nervousness remained as he toed his shoes off, hanging his bag on the rack by the door as you invited him up into the main living space, but otherwise he seemed composed. his eyes didn't roam and he wasn't shocked by anything he saw as he came up. he didn't feel quite so out of place.
everything was familiar. the wallpaper remained old and dinged up. the couch still sagged. the lights continued to flicker once in a while. the fridge still hummed too loud.
nothing had changed. that is, nothing except you two.
you'd changed—in the span of the few weeks you'd known each other, you'd changed. your relationship, the air between you two—had changed.
and now, after all this—
it would change again. for better or for worse, that was still to be determined.
you gestured for him to take a seat on the sagging couch, and he did so gingerly, perhaps scared it would collapse under him. but though old it was sturdy, and stood strong under his weight as you got refreshments to fight the summer heat. the early-morning chill which had kept you from sweating underneath your long-sleeved uniform slowly turned into the usual stifling heat of the midday, and you again had to remind yourself not to roll your sleeves up.
not yet, at least.
you handed heeseung his cup of iced tea, taking a long swig from your own as you joined him on the couch.
"why are you nervous? i'm the one who should be nervous right now," you said as you noticed his bouncing leg. "don't tell me it's about coming over when no one else is home. we've done it before, remember?"
"no! it's just... it's been a stressful week, you know."
"... because of me?"
he looked like he wanted to say no—but you knew from his poorly-concealed wince that it was.
you sighed, setting your glass down on the coffee table.
"i... i need to apologize for everything. i've been a terrible—" you stumbled a bit on the word. "—friend. i'm sorry for saying everything that i said that day. none of it was true. i'm sorry for ghosting you. i'm sorry for making you worry. for giving you a hard time. for not speaking to you and communicating when i should have."
he turned to face you, watching you silently as you chewed on your bottom lip, giving you the silence and space you needed to think, to come up with the words you wanted to say, to get everything out without having to worry about a response. he simply listened, digesting your words and sitting with a calmness, a stillness that didn't match the impression you had of him in your head.
"i want to... no, i need to tell you some things. if you really want to be friends, if you want to see who i really am, if you want to know why i did what i did and said what i said, there are some things that you have to know about me. about my past."
you took a breath as you thought, clasping your hands together and leaning forward onto your knees as you continued.
"i... don't know if i'm going to tell you too much, or if you even want to hear about any of this—"
"i do." his voice was unlike anything you'd heard before. "i want to know more about you."
you nodded, unable to look up at him. you took another breath. it trembled—and yet you went on.
"in middle school, i was friends with this girl. we were best friends at the time. we did everything together. i trusted her with everything, and she did the same with me. i thought... i thought we'd be together forever, you know? it was that kind of friendship."
it hurt as you recalled her face, her laugh, the way she glowed when she smiled. all things you'd buried so far away, so deep after everything that happened, that dragging them out now caused you physical pain. your heart hurt as you remembered her smiling face.
"she liked this boy." you had to pause, blinking as your throat suddenly constricted and your hands squeezed tighter around each other. how long ago had it been since you allowed yourself to really remember, to truly think about and process everything that had happened? everything you went through? "like, really liked him. she'd always talk to me about him; get all giddy anytime they interacted. she'd talk to everybody about him, actually—the whole class knew about her thing for him. and i was rooting for them, you know? i told her as much every time. and he did seem interested in her for a little, and they even became friends, but then... everything went downhill."
you didn't even realize your leg was bouncing hard enough to rattle the coffee table until heeseung gently laid a hand on your knee, squeezing once. you didn't look up from where you were staring smoldering holes into the coffee table, but you sighed, nodding gratefully.
"he confessed to me. in front of the entire class. he told her that he wasn't interested in her, that he'd only gotten closer to her to get closer to me. and, well... she didn't take it very well. needless to say, she cut our friendship off immediately. and i get it—she was embarresed, she was sad, she was angry. but then she began accusing me of... of backstabbing her, going behind her back to steal him, and even—" your throat closed up as the striking parallels to your present situation made themsleves laughably visible. "even sleeping with him to get him to like me, just to humiliate her."
you laughed humorlessly as you felt heeseung tense next to you.
"we were in middle school. his dick probably wasn't even fully formed at that point. but it didn't matter. she told everyone who'd listen her sob story, got their pity. and i... no one believed me when i said i didn't. that i didn't even like him. everyone thought i was a lying, backstabbing, easy, slutty bitch who'd slept with her best friend's 'boyfriend'—mind you, they weren't even dating. he didn't even like her. but stories and rumors tend to get blown out of proportion when they circulate, and soon the whole school knew about me. the one who slept with her best friend's 'boyfriend.'"
his hand tightened on your knee, but still he remained silent. he let you take your time as you closed your eyes, your hands coming up to cup your mouth and nose as you inhaled slowly.
memories of those times—the glares in the hallways, the name-calling, the bullying, and everything else, came crashing back, and you had to remind yourself that you were past that now. that it had been years and years, and you weren't there anymore. you were okay. you were okay. you were okay.
you were going to be okay.
"i... after all my other friends ditched me, i became the perfect target for bullies. i was alone. vulnerable. there was no one who'd stick up for me. and i was a 'bad person'—of course nobody would feel bad for me. so... people began bullying me. it started out small—name-calling, mean notes, teasing. but it got worse, so much worse, when they realized they could get away with it. when they realized i wouldn't tell anyone."
you opened your eyes, filled with so much pain that heeseung's heart broke.
"they'd shove me into lockers. drag me into the bathroom and dunk my head into the toilets. pour spoiled milk on me. throw away my food. shove me around. hit me, even. kick me. i did tae-kwon do at the time, so bruises weren't uncommon. no one questioned a few more." you laughed again. "funny, right? i did martial arts—i even won medals—and yet i couldn't even defend myself against them. i was too scared. i thought they'd come after me even more, do worse things, if i fought back. so i let them do whatever they wanted. it got... it got really bad. my mom was—and still is—never home beacuse of work. school was a nightmare. i couldn't get away from them, couldn't hide. they'd make every minute of school hell. and even after school ended, they'd sometimes keep me with them. there was this abandoned building near school that no one ever went by. they'd take me there. make me do all these humiliating things as they recorded. sometimes the guys would even—"
you paused, growing nauseous at the memories.
"sometimes they'd make me take off... my clothes. not all the way, but..." you paused as you felt heeseung's hand tighten around your knee to an almost painful extent. you finally mustered the courage to look up, to look at heeseung's face—
it was blank. almost terrifyingly so. but his eyes, the way the hand on your knee was shaking—
you looked away quickly, before you could psyche yourself out, before you could truly process the extent of everything you were telling him. that you were offering up the deepest, darkest, dirtiest parts of yourself, that you were offering up everything, that you were offering up yourself to him. up to his judgement. to this boy you'd barely known for a few months.
"sometimes they touched me. sometimes they hit me. they recorded everything, of course. they threatened to send it all to their class groupchats if i said anything. so i stayed quiet. and it just kept going on and on, and i didn't know when it would stop. if it would ever stop. my mental state got really bad. i... i did a lot of things i'm not proud of."
you sat up, taking a deep breath as you stared down at your sleeves. and then slowly, slowly rolled them up.
and then there they were.
thin, silvery-pale stripes that criss-crossed your forearms from your wrists to your elbows. your scars. your physical reminders of everything you hated that would never, ever leave you.
this was the first time you'd voluntarily showed them to anyone besides your mother.
heeseung's heart dropped into his ass as he stared at them.
"i... for a long time, i really wanted to die. i thought about it all the time. but in the end, i was too scared to do that, too. so this was what i did to cope. this was the only thing that made me feel like i had even a little bit of control in my life. at least this pain i could predict. i could control." you shook your head. "god, i was so stupid. i stopped after my mom found out. she made me tell her everything. it was only a few more weeks until middle school ended, so even though she wanted to pull me out immedietely i stuck it out until the end. then we moved here."
your leg began bouncing again.
"i started going to high school, and i was so, so wary. i didn't want to make friends again, didn't want to draw any attention for the rest of my time here. i didn't make any friends the first two years. didn't make any enemies, either. i just... minded my own business. i was thankful. happy, even. being alone peacefully was infinitely better than risking going through middle school again. and then, well. you came along."
finally, finally you mustered up the courage to look up at heeseung again. this time, his anger was palpable. his sadness, too. but he didn't interrupt. simply kept listening intently, allowing you to continue.
"i... i really mistrusted you at first. i wanted nothing to do with you. i thought that surely your kindness had to be a ploy of some kind. that you had some ulterior motive to being so goddamn nice. that you showing me warmth and decency that i hadn't seen in years had to be some attempt to humiliate me, or sleep with me, or get something out of me. i guess i was stupider—or lonelier—than i thought, because somehow you actually got through to me. all your stupid attempts at friendship actually worked. and for a few weeks, i was actually happy..."
he hid all hints of the hot, coursing anger that pumped through his veins; the crashing, painful sadness, from his face as he smiled down at you—but it quickly faded as you continued.
"but... something happened recently—the same day i said all those awful things to you. do you remember that time we went to that street market for our project? when we missed the last bus and we had to stay in that motel?"
oh he remembered all right. he nodded as the memory of the way your heat had seeped through his clothes as he'd awoken with your limbs twined around him flashed through his brain.
"this girl...i dont know who she is, but she had a picture of us standing in front of the motel the morning after. she got it from a friend who recognized you, apprently. obviously it looks pretty bad without any context, you know? and i guess she must like you and wanted me out of the picture, but she... she told me that if i didn't cut ties with you she'd send the picture to everyone."
you sighed.
"that scared the shit out of me. i thought it would be middle school all over again. so i immediately did everything she told me to. i asked to be changed classes, or even just seats, but after that didn't happen i panicked. i said all that shit to you, and then just stopped showing up to school. i didn't even want the possibility of her seeing us together, of her assuming anything—and i hurt you because of it. because of my cowardice. i'm sorry."
he didn't reply, only stared blankly at you as you watched him, worried.
"i'm sorry about dumping all of this on you all of the sudden. i know it was a lot. if you see me differently, or don't want to be friends anymore—"
"can i give you a hug?"
huh?
you nodded dumbly, not sure how to react—
then his arms were around you.
and you were surrounded by nothing but him, and everything felt far away. all your problems seemed to be muted, blocked out, warded away by a barrier of heeseung.
you felt so safe. so warm. so... loved.
and maybe remembering and sharing your past had left you off-balance, had left you vulnerable and tender in all the wrong (or right) places, or perhaps you finally felt safe and protected enough to do so, but—
you began crying.
tears sprung up in your eyes suddenly as you buried your face in his chest and his chin came to rest on the top of your skull, one hand cradling the back of your head, the other wrapped tightly around your midsection. your shoulders shook, at first lightly and then in jolting tremors as your sobs began to wrack your body, breaths sawing in and out of your violently heaving chest as you, for the first time since middle school, cried.
"let it all out. you don't have to hold back." heeseung murmered as you gasped and sobbed, the almost five years of accumulated agony and loneliness and fear finally catching up to you, crashing over you, overwhelming as you finally let yourself feel everything in its entirety.
you stayed like that for god knows how long, you crying and trembling and him rubbing your back soothingly, never letting go.
when you finally stilled, tears running dry, he still didn't let go. but he started speaking, the vibrations of his voice rumbling against your face as you stayed pressed up against him.
"first of all, before anything else—i'm so, so glad you're still here. that you didn't give up. even if it was hard. even if it was painful. even if it was scary. you did a great job." his voice was steady, but you could feel the way his hands tightened in your hair and around your shoulder as the words left him. "i'm so sorry you had to go through what you did. no one deserves to be treated that way. if i could beat all those fuckers into the ground right now, i would." a pause. "second. you are incredibly, incredibly brave, and i respect you so much for finding the courage to tell me all of this. trusting me to hear everything, even though it must've been scary, must've been hard. i... feel like i understand you so much better now. i feel like i can finally see you for who you are, without all the walls."
you only nodded against him, throat still tight and throbbing.
"...thank you for listening.
“of course.”
a soothing silence fell between you two, and the rhythmic motion of his hand running through your hair lulled you into a tranquil null.
“...would you like to hear some things about me in return?”
“you don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to.”
“i want to. after everything you trusted me with, i want you to know me too. the real me.”
you nodded again, finally pulling back so you could look him in the face. neither of you balked, even as you both processed what you'd just been doing. what it did or didn't mean.
"my story starts in middle school, too. i was pretty different from how i am now—i didn't have many friends, and i wasn't very loud, either. i was awkward and stuck to myself a lot, just trying to stay out of the way. i know, crazy right? you wouldn't expect it looking at me now." he chuckles, yet the sound is more self-deprecating than amused. "i was a lot like you are right now. i tried my best to blend into the background, to not draw any attention to myself. i thought... i thought i was fine being alone. and i was—for a long time, i was. but... i was lonely. my parents were—are never home, a lot like your mom. my older brother was already in college at that time. and one day, i honestly just got... sick of it. being alone."
he leaned back against the couch, sighing as he allowed his head to rest against the wall.
"needless to say, me being my gangly, awkward, nervous, introverted, lame self made making friends hard. even though i tried my best, no one liked the person i was back then. the harder i tried the more i was teased, made fun of—nothing even close to what you went through, but it still hurt, you know?" it was your turn to rest your hand on his knee as it began bouncing. he glanced over at you, smiling gratefully. "so i changed. i practiced speaking in the mirror until i became confident enough not to stumble over my words. i practiced smiling until it looked perfect and became second nature. i watched videos and listened to podcasts on how to pick up social cues. i started keeping track of trends. i'd always messed around with basketball with my brother, but it was then i decided to get serious and join the school team. i worked my butt off to get better, until i was the best one on the team—and that naturally drew people to me. and i finally got a damn haircut—which is what made the biggest difference, in my opinion." he laughed this time, yet his eyes betrayed his sadness.
"by the end of middle school i became the person you see today—social, outgoing, good at speaking. and i'm happy with the friends i made, really. i love them all. but honestly? sometimes, it feels like i'm lying to them. like i'm lying to everyone. they don't know that the confident, fun person they see, the person they've come to love, still gets exhausted from big crowds. still has to think over his words before he says them. double-checks his jokes to make sure they make sense. still gets nervous when he talks to people, even if he doesn't show it."
you watched silently as he turned again to you, looking right at you with those big, soft, earnest eyes that had something in your heart breaking.
"i know you must still be confused, even now, as to why i latched on to you out of the blue in the beginning. why i was so eager to be friends with you. why i went to such lengths to bother you, to get closer to you. and if you want an honest answer as to why, it's that i saw my old self in you. and i felt that... maybe you'd be able to see me for who i really am—without judging. without being disappointed. without leaving me. i thought that maybe you'd be able to like me for who i am underneath the basketball player, the star student, the life of the party, the smooth talker—like me just for me."
you stared at him, watched as he averted his eyes, a flush blooming across his cheeks and spreading to the tips of his ears.
"oh, heeseung. i'm... i'm sorry i never noticed you were struggling like that. i—i've just been so wrapped up in my own problems, my own head—i never really paid much attention to you. i'm sorry—”
"no! don't be sorry. what are you even apologizing for?" he cut you off quickly, voice panicked as he shook his head furiously. "i was just trying to make sure you understood i didn't approach you with any bad intentions, since i know i must've come off really strong in the beginning, which i'm again really sorry for—”
"no, i'm sorry for not being good at—”
"no, i'm sorry for—”
"no, i'm sorry for—”
you both tried to apologize over each other, voices rising until you were sure the neighbors would hear you, finally peaking before you both stopped to catch your breath, silently calling a truce before either of you could die from asphyxiation.
before heeseung could open his mouth, you spoke up first.
"okay. before you say anything else, let me say a few things. first, your friends right now—jay, jake, sunoo, that group—they all seem like really nice, caring people. i'm sure even if you didn't perform for them like you do everyone else, they'd still love you just the same—so don't be scared to let loose around them, you know?"
pfft. rich coming from someone like you.
he nodded, watching as you put two fingers up. "second..." you hesitated. "you don't have to perform for me, either. i... won't judge. in fact, i might like you even more if you seemed more human. more relatable."
he nodded, eyes softening and mouth stretching into a relieved smile.
"thank you. that means a lot to me."
"of course."
you paused. the air between you felt thicker now, charged with everything you’d just laid bare—and yet lighter all at the same time. you'd cleared the air, gotten to tell him everything, and he'd done so in return—
you blinked.
but had you? had you really?
there was, aside from what to do about the girl with the picture, one more thing that needed to be addressed.
but... what if it ruined what you already had?
your heart hammered against your ribs like it was trying to claw its way out. you’d already handed him your scars, your worst memories, the ugly broken pieces you’d hidden from the world. what was one more risk, you reasoned?
"um... heeseung?"
"yeah?" he turned toward you fully, those warm brown eyes soft and attentive, still a little red from the emotion of the last hour.
you took a deep breath, coming to terms with potentially making a fool of yourself. with potentially making things awkward.
"i'm sorry if this is too direct or if i'm completely wrong, but... do you... like me? as more than just friends?"
heeseung’s eyes widened, lips parting in surprise. for a second he looked almost frozen, like the question had short-circuited his brain. then color flooded his face—ears, neck, all the way to the tips of his cheeks in a deep, hot pink. he opened his mouth, closed it, and suddenly looked anywhere but at you, one hand coming up to rub the back of his neck.
“i—” his voice cracked. he cleared his throat and tried again, quieter. “yeah. i do.”
your heart stopped.
he curled into himself and hid his face in his knees as the words settled in the air between you.
aw. he was surprisingly cute. it seemed he was putting that 'you don't have to perform around me' advice to use far faster than you anticipated.
you found yourself unconsciously embarrassed as well as he peered up at you, eyebrows scrunched.
"i... before all this, i thought i was fine with just being friends. i continuously tried to deny my feelings, tried to cut them off before they could get any larger... but ignoring them only made them grow bigger and bigger underneath all my excuses, and eventually, everything reached a tipping point." he straightened, slowly growing less abashed as the words continued to flow. "this mess... being away from you for a whole week, all the while thinking i might never see you again... it made me realize that i don't want to keep pretending these feelings don't exist." he locked eyes with you, and you froze—you couldn't look away even if you tried. "that i don't want to keep pretending i don't want you to be mine."
wow.
the world slowed.
your heart skipped a beat—then did five cartwheels, three backflips, and a headfirst-dive into your lungs for good measure as he took your hand, squeezing gently.
"i know this is terrible timing. i know it's sudden. and i'm really sorry—but i want to make it clear right now that i like you as more than a friend. being around you makes me happy in a way no one else can make me. being around you makes the sky bluer, the sun warmer, the air sweeter, the grass greener—being around you makes my life beautiful in a way i thought only happened in dramas. words can't express how grateful i am that i met you, and now that i've experienced losing you once, i never want to let it happen again. but..." he hesitated. "i know maybe you don't feel the same way—but i think i would have regretted it for the rest of my life if i didn't tell you how i feel right now. so... for now, thank you just for listening to me. i'm not expecting an answer from you or anything, or even—”
"i like you too."
the words slipped from your lips before you could stop them.
you blinked, watching as heeseung froze and stared, blinking dumbly in return.
"you do?"
you did.
perhaps it had also taken you a week of thinking you'd never be able to see him again to realize it, but you could see it now—
the way your heart skipped a beat when he was near, the way you felt like the only person in the room whenever he smiled so warmly at you, the way his stupid persistence—pushiness, you'd once cursed it out as—had slowly chipped away at every wall you’d built until you were standing here, raw and open and wanting. wanting him. wanting this.
whatever this was.
heeseung stared at you like you’d just told him the sky was green. his mouth opened, closed, opened again. the flush on his cheeks deepened to a shade that matched the candied strawberries you’d shared at the market not all that long ago.
“you… like me?” he repeated, voice barely above a whisper, as if saying it louder might make it disappear.
you nodded, suddenly shy under the weight of his gaze. your fingers tightened around his. “yeah. i do. i think… i have for a while. i just didn’t want to acknowledge it. it felt safer to push you away.”
he gaped at you for a few more seconds, eyes wide and unblinking as he watched you, perhaps waiting for you to say sike! just kidding!
but you didn't.
you hadn't been sure before, but now... yes, you were sure.
you liked lee heeseung. and lee heeseung liked you.
"really?"
you nodded.
he again stared dumbly—then broke out in the stupidest, goofiest, sunniest grin you'd ever seen him wear.
"fuck. holy shit, i'm so happy right now. you don't hate—no, you like me. oh my god. oh my god. i might pass out."
you laughed—not a chuckle, not a little snicker, but a full, belly-deep laugh that had you throwing your head back and slapping your knee.
"god, you're so corny—how do you even...”
you trailed off as you again found him staring.
this time, he seemed dumbstruck.
"do that again."
"huh? do what?"
"laugh. i've never seen you laugh before."
you swatted half-heartedly at him, still thinking he was joking. what was so great about your laugh?
"you really are the corniest guy, you know that?"
but he kept staring, this moonstruck, almost drunk-dazed expression creating haze over his features.
"you're so pretty."
you blushed, ducking your head.
"ugh, be quiet." you muttered, hand coming up to cover the tiny twitch of your mouth before you could start grinning stupidly yourself.
heeseung laughed—quiet, almost reverent. “i mean it. you should do it more. laugh, i mean. the whole world’s missing out.”
you rolled your eyes, but the smile tugging at your lips refused to leave. for a moment, silence settled again, comfortable this time.
then reality crept back in, slow and heavy, like cold air slipping under a door.
you pulled your hand back gently, not because you were uncomfortable with the physical contact (surprising, considering your history with boys), but because there was still one more thing. the reason you’d come back. the looming threat that had sent you running in the first place.
"heeseung? i don't mean to overreach or ask for too much, but... do you think you could help me with the girl? the girl with the photos, who said she'd send them all to everyone if i didn't stay away from you? i... i don't know if i can deal with her on my own."
"hey. that shouldn't even be a question—of course i'll help you. she's just as much my problem as she is yours..." he winced as he took his phone out. "you don't know her name or class, right? actually, i think i've found her instagram already..."
your brows scrunched at that.
"how?"
"well, see for yourself."
he opened his instagram and opened up his dms, and at the very top—a contact with a profile picture of a familiar girl that sent adrenaline-fueled chills down your spine.
even just an image of her triggered your fight or flight response, and you struggled to not look away, to avert your eyes.
"how do you have her...?"
he only clicked on the contact, and the messaging page opened up, the chat history popping to life before you.
you blinked.
countless piles upon piles of one-sided messages from her sat there, and your stomach lurched as he handed you the phone so you could scroll up—to where the messages began exactly one week ago. the day she'd cornered you in the nurses office.
hey, heeseung oppa, it's me minji. i think we've bumped into each other in the halls before! do you remember me?
i was wondering if we could talk sometime? whenever you're free ofc
i just have some important things to tell you
please? i really need to see you.
it's urgent, actually. can i swing by your practice tomorrow?
and on and on it went.
heeseung had never responded, though.
"why did you never respond?"
"oh... well... i wasn't in the best mental shape after... everything."
ah. after what you'd said and done to him.
"sorry again."
"no, no, don't worry. but this is the girl, right?"
you nodded grimly.
"well... if you wanted to confront her today, i'm pretty sure she said she'd be waiting for me on the roof after school."
indeed, as you scrolled down to the bottom of the messages, the most recent one from that morning had asked him to come to the rooftop after school.
you stared at it for a long while, the joy you'd felt while focused purely on heeseung slowly draining and being replaced with cold, sharp dread.
perhaps sensing your fear, he rested a hand on your knee, squeezing once.
"hey. don't be nervous. i'll help you all the way. i'll be right by your side the entire time. we'll find a way to get her to delete the photo. don't worry."
you looked up at heeseung, smiling wearily at the determination lighting up his eyes.
"thank you. truly."
"of course." he squeezed your knee once more before taking his phone back, stowing it away in his pocket as he said, "we should probably plan what to say, right? make a plan of action?"
you took a deep breath, nodding as your nerves settled.
"yeah. let's do this."
omgomg i'm so so sorry this took so freaking long i had all my ap tests creep up on me bruh and then i just took so long deciding which way i wanted the chapter and story in general to go. but im pretty proud of how this one turned out (i think it's the longest chapter in this series), and i hope you enjoyed!
also this is very much not proofread at all so if you find any spelling or grammar mistakes or weird ahh types pls lmk im so sorry i'm finishing this up at 1 am 😭✌️
synopsis: in which heeseung spots you in the crowd and realises that his past lover has been reincarnated once again. however this time around, he definitely isn't letting you go.
pairing: idol!lee heeseung x f!reader
genre: historical (joseon era) au, modern au, romance, past lovers, red string theory (sort of), bittersweet, reincarnation, dual timeline, vampire!heeseung
cw: angst, major character death, blood/violence, attempted suicide, implied that reader has depression, age gap relationship, fluff, yearning from both sides, porn with plot, unprotected sex, power dynamics, unestablished relationships, dubcon (heeseung uses vampire hypnosis once), dom/sub, oral (m receiving), fingering, choking, rough sex, manhandling but it’s consensual, possessive!heeseung, slight breathplay, overstimulation, biting, spanking, brat tamer(?)!heeseung, implied multiple rounds, sort of emotional manipulation on heeseung's side, reader is also hinted to have social anxiety, heeseung takes advantage of this, no use of y/n, semi proofread (sorry for any mistakes)
word count: around 19k (i don't even know how this happened)
MDNI
the stadium pulsed with noise.
lights flashed across thousands of raised phones, white and silver beams sweeping over the crowd like waves. somewhere to your right, a girl was crying so hard she could barely scream his name out anymore.
but that was understandable, in your eyes at least.
it was lee heeseung, after all.
on the massive screen above the stage, his face appeared again alongside his members, sweat-damp hair falling into dark eyes, breath uneven from dancing all night.
you were so close to the stage, standing in the pit. your throat burned from screaming too, though your voice had long disappeared many songs ago.
heeseung drew you in so much, but it almost didn't feel voluntary. not in the way that you were being forced to like him, but in the way that you felt as if you were bound to love him. your chest ached so violently watching him smile that you had to press a hand against it.
heeseung steps forward, microphone lifted effortlessly as the opening notes of the final chorus rang through the stadium. the cameras follow him with ease. for a moment, he tilts his head slightly, eyes skimming over the crowd out of habit.
that's when his eyes land on you.
you think it's just a lucky glance, him simply sparing his gaze across the sea of people like usual. he never pulls away.
for a second, his expression falters, and that's when you can confirm that his eyes are on you. it's subtle enough for nobody else to notice, as he pulls away shortly after.
your breath catches in your throat from the way he looked at you like he knew you somehow, which would be impossible. maybe you reminded him of somebody?
heeseung avoids your side of the stage for a remainder of the night, only returning toward the end. every time he drifts near that side again, his gaze stays deliberately elsewhere, toward the upper sections, the cameras, his members, anywhere but you.
idols are trained to look everywhere. to make every fan feel seen, but he avoids your eyes so carefully it almost feels intentional.
by the final song, you’ve nearly convinced yourself you imagined the entire thing. maybe he wasn't looking at you at all.
confetti spills from the ceiling in silver streams, disappearing beneath flashing lights and deafening screams. the members bow beside him, smiling breathlessly as they thank the crowd.
after he bows too, he looks up, straight at you.
you blink, your heart pounding extra hard. this time, the hurt in his expression is unmistakeable. he looks like he's in some sort of pain.
the concert is basically over after that, and enhypen say good bye to all of their fans. you go home, tired after the commute home. you can't stop thinking of the way heeseung looked at you tonight, even if it was just you being delusional.
you don't fall asleep like you usually do. at first, you lie on your back staring at the ceiling, phone face-down beside you, unable to get anywhere after shutting your eyes.
every time you try to think about something else, your mind slips back to him, despite being exhausted. you turn onto your side, pulling the blanket up even though you’re not even cold. the concert noise fades in your memory.
your thoughts slow down, one by one, finally. the room around you gets softer at the edges. eventually, your grip on the blanket loosens without you noticing.
right before you fully drift off, there’s one last strange, quiet image that slips through your mind.
it's similar to falling snow behind your eyes.
snow falls quietly onto dark stone next to you.
"is it really that time of the year already, joo-mi?" you ask, reaching your hand out to let more snow fall onto the palm of your hand.
your servant, joo-mi, stands next to you, nodding her head. "i believe so, my lady."
"it's colder than i remember. compared to last year, at least." you mumble, watching how the flakes of snow dissolve on your skin.
you curl your fingers slightly, as if you might be able to hold onto the winter itself. the courtyard is empty at this late hour apart from you and joo-mi. oh, and the singular guard standing at the entrance.
shifting beside you, joo-mi lowers her gaze respectfully. "winter has arrived earlier, my lady. the elders mentioned that it would be a long one."
you hum softly in response, though your attention is already elsewhere. the mountains beyond the perimeters of the estate.
you stare at them for a moment longer than you mean to.
there is something about them tonight. something that draws you in. anywhere away from this place would do you justice, honestly. you were extremely bored.
and unfortunately expected to be wed to a noble boy by the end of this year. gross.
a gust of wind moves through the courtyard, brushing cold against your cheeks.
joo-mi shifts closer instinctively. “my lady, shall we return inside? the wind is growing harsher. i don't want you to grow ill."
you don’t answer her question, gaze drifting across the courtyard. specifically, back to the guard at the front gate, half-shadowed beneath the light.
"joo-mi, why is there only one tonight?" you look up at her, eyebrows furrowed in curiosity. the guard doesn't look familiar anyway. he was young, you could tell by his stature. it wasn't the usual older guard that took the night shift, and there was meant to be two.
joo-mi follows your gaze again, hesitating for only a moment before answering. “i believe one of the guards fell ill earlier today, my lady. the replacement was assigned on short notice.”
you turn your head back, uncaring. "i want to go back inside now."
joo-mi bows her head immediately. “of course, my lady.”
she steps forward at once, adjusting her pace to yours as you begin to turn away from the courtyard.
the cold bites at your skin for one last moment before the warmth of the estate corridors begins to surround you instead. joo-mi follows behind closely, blowing out the candle she was previously using when the two of you were outside.
joo-mi escorts you to your room, opening the door for you. you thank her.
"my lady, you have a long day tomorrow. you should rest well tonight."
you step into your room, the door sliding shut behind you with a soft thud that echoes through the hallways. the warmth inside your room is immediate.
“of course,” you reply quietly, voice muffled. you walk in further, slipping out of your outer layer. "you should rest as well, joo-mi."
"yes, my lady. good night." her footsteps slowly retreat down the slim hallway, footsteps pattering against the wood.
you sit at the edge of your bed for a moment, hands resting loosely in your lap. you weren't tired at all, unfortunately. but, you required an escort everywhere in this estate - per your father's requests.
you had no choice but to fall asleep. there was nothing else to do, after all. every single novel sitting on the shelf beside you had been read, along with every puzzle. you truly were bored.
eventually, you lie back, pulling the blanket over you. the fabric is warm, making you feel sleepier.
the lantern light from earlier has long since dimmed, leaving the room in a soft, peaceful ambience. apart from the sound of the harsh wind from outside.
your breathing slows without you noticing.
your eyes drift toward the ceiling, before shutting on reflex and falling asleep.
the next morning you awake to soft knocks on your door, tapping once.
then again, a little more carefully. “my lady?” joo-mi’s voice filters through the wood, familiar and steady.
light spills faintly through the edges of your curtains, revealing the morning sun before you can even open your eyes properly.
"you can come in," you say, mid yawn, stretching your arms up into the air.
there's a brief pause before your door slides open, but when it does, joo-mi is on the other side. joo-mi steps in quietly, already composed, her hands folded in front of her as she keeps her gaze respectfully lowered.
"did you sleep well, my lady?" she smiles softly at you, which reminds you of her age. she was only a few years your senior.
you’re still half-lost in sleep as you sit up, hair slightly disheveled, blinking at the brightness leaking through the curtains. you cling to the warmth of the blankets.
"i think so." you mumble, stretching your arms again before letting them drop lazily into your lap.
joo-mi moves further into the room, already beginning her routine without needing instruction, picking up your garments from yesterday and folding them. she folds out each crease with care, before replacing those garments with new ones for you today.
"are you excited for today, my lady?" joo-mi asks from behind you, tone cheerful. "you'll be going out town."
you were excited at first when you heard the news, but when you found out your father was practically sending an entire army to supervise you, your feelings on it dulled.
but now, the word feels slightly dull on your tongue as you speak them. "sure."
joo-mi continues folding your garments with calm efficiency, laying out today’s clothing with care before turning back toward you.
“you seemed pleased when you were told,” she adds, glancing at you over her shoulder. “it is the market district, is it not? there will be many new sights.”
market district? there wasn't much you were interested in, to be honest. you weren't the most outgoing.
"yes.." you say slowly, coming out quieter than initially intended. your fingers tug slightly at the edge of the blanket, resisting the urge to pull them back over yourself.
it should be exciting.
it is exciting.
but you can barely bring yourself to care. you look at joo-mi, "do you think father would let me skip this today?"
joo-mi looks at you, not expecting the question as her hands pausing mid-fold.
“my lady…” she begins carefully, as if choosing each word to avoid sounding like a reprimand. “your father has been preparing for this trip for some time. i don't think he would be happy...if it were to be postponed.
but you already knew that.
joo-mi he sets your garments down neatly before stepping closer, her tone softening again. “is something troubling you this morning?”
the question lingers in the air.
you open your mouth to answer, but nothing comes out immediately. because there isn’t a clear reason, nothing you can point to and name properly.
"no, there isn't, joo-mi." you reassure, "i'll go. can i change now?" you ask her, standing up, shuffling the bedsheets off your lower half.
joo-mi relaxes slightly at your response, the tension in her expression smoothing back into its usual calm composure. “of course, my lady,” she says gently. “i'll start preparing your bath."
she bows her head and steps toward the door, pausing only long enough to glance back once more, before slipping out and closing it softly behind her.
you stand, stretching once more as the last remnants of sleep finally leave your body. the bed creaks softly as you move away from it, the warmth of the blankets already fading behind you.
then there’s a soft knock.
“come in,” you say.
the door slides open, and joo-mi appears once more, her hands neatly folded in front of her.
“my lady,” she says gently, “your bath is ready for you.” you nod once at her words, still lost in the lingering haze of sleep.
you follow her down the cold hallway, a familiar path to your private bathroom. joo-mi opens the door for you, revealing a steaming hot bath. the warmth spills out into the hallway the moment the door opens, contrasting the air behind you.
steam curls lazily into the corridor. the bath inside has been prepared as you like it.
joo-mi steps aside respectfully, keeping her gaze lowered. “my lady, I will be just outside if you need anything.” she bows, before stepping out of the room and leaving.
the sound of the latch clicks softly, and you are alone. you move closer to the bath slowly.
you take off your garments, before taking a step into the water, sinking your entire body in shortly after. the warm water ripples around you, surrounding your entire body - practically easing your muscles after only a minute of being submerged.
you sink in a little deeper as the steam around you rises, relaxing your body without your permission. you stay in that bath for around twenty minutes, simply basking in the warm water.
stepping out, you wrap a towel around yourself, calling for joo-mi. "joo-mi, can i have my clothes?"
she pushes the door to the side gently, draping you in something that resembles an overcoat, temporarily shielding you from the cold. nobody was allowed to enter your chambers anyway, so she escorts you back to your room.
upon entering, she reaches for your clothing that she had previously laid out, before coming behind you and helping you change into them.
joo-mi moves behind you with quiet efficiency, her hands careful as she helps you out of the bath wrap and into the layers she had prepared earlier.
you stand still, letting her work.
it's a smooth and easy process, as always. both you and joo-mi had gotten used to this already, it was a daily routine after all.
she takes a step back after she finishes, admiring you and her work. all your sleeves were aligned properly, as well as your folds being smoothed down. "my lady," she gasps quietly, "you look so beautiful, especially today."
her words bring a small smile to your lips, "thank you, joo-mi. you're the reason for that."
a light pink dusts her cheeks, "thank you, my lady - but i only played a small role. i only ensure what is already there is brought out properly,” she adds more softly, smoothing the front of her sleeves out of habit. “you have always been beautiful, my lady.”
joo-mi steps back slightly, then reaches for the last piece of your outer layer, holding it up for you to slip into. you do exactly that, and she smooths out the final layer.
joo-mi gently tugs at the fabric, ensuring that it's fitted perfectly as you outstretch your arms. "i'm done, my lady. are you ready to step out? the carriage should be ready for us."
you let your arms fall back to your sides, nodding as you slip your shoes on. "if i must. let's go."
joo-mi opens the door for you, sliding it once again. the rhythm of your footsteps blends softly with Joo-mi’s as you move through the corridor.
joo-mi walks just half a step behind you, as always, careful not to overtake or fall too far back.
“the carriage is waiting at the front gate,” she says gently. “your father has already left instructions for your escort.”
you hum faintly in response, gaze forward, "you are coming with me today, right?" you ask her, double checking.
"yes, my lady. i should be accompanying you today. i wasn't made aware of any change of plans." joo-mi says, walking down onto the footpath with you.
servants pass in the opposite direction occasionally, bowing quickly as you go by.
as you near the entrance hall, you slow slightly without meaning to, you can see the carriage from here now.
joo-mi notices immediately. “my lady?”
you blink once, then continue walking. “It’s nothing.” but the hesitance in your step tells her everything. your eyes linger ahead for just a moment longer than necessary, you see a lot of people you don't know surrounding the gate.
behind you, joo-mi’s steps remain steady, but her voice softens slightly when she speaks again.
“it will be a busy day,” she says. “but I will be with you.” she reassures. you continue walking forwards, catching the attention of the servants preparing the carriage.
there’s a brief shift in movement as they straighten, bowing as you approach.
the air outside brushes against your skin, a servant lowers his head. “my lady.” you acknowledge it lightly.
one of them quickly moves to open the carriage door properly, while another steps aside to clear your path. you thank him quietly, taking the hand he offered to you to step into the carriage.
you don't recognise any of the guards accompanying you today, unfortunately. joo-mi steps in afterwards, sitting across from you.
outside, the courtyard continues with it's movement, guards taking their positions, as well as double checking the horses.
a few minutes pass, and you finally feel the carriage moving. you peer slightly outside, seeing the front gates to the estate opening.
as the carriage begins to move, joo-mi continues speaking, pointing out small things about your journey, like the scenery. you nod, engaging in conversation with her.
the market should be around an hours drive on a carriage, so around ten minutes you decide to just take a small nap. you were pretty tired anyway, despite only having woken up a short while ago.'
after it feels like you've only shut your eyes for five minutes when joo-mi calls out for you. "my lady?" she asks softly, "we're nearly there."
you wink an eye open, sitting up as you smooth yourself over. "thank you," you mumble, covering your mouth with your palm as you yawn.
you sit in silence, your arm sitting atop your stomach as you lean into the chair behind you. pushing the curtain back with your other hand, you look around, seeing the bustling markets.
the sound hits you first, plenty of voice overlapping, as well as vendors calling out to customers. an uncomfortable feeling sits at the bottom of your topic.
your chest tightens faintly, though you don’t understand why. the carriage rolls forward again before the thought can settle properly.
you swallow once more, as your gaze tracks across it all without really landing anywhere for too long. too many faces, too many directions, too many things happening at once to properly follow.
you feel very aware of your body all of the sudden. joo-mi speaks softly across from you, but you only catch part of it, she's saying something about the market being way busier than expected.
you sit back slightly, letting the curtain fall a little more into place as you nod, like you're on auto-pilot. the carriage comes to a stop, and around thirty seconds after the door opens.
your fingernails dig into your palms unknowingly, making you bleed. joo-mi looks at you, not noticing the injury but just the tense expression on your face. "are you alright, my lady?"
snapping your head back to her, "i'm fine, yes. you can go out first." joo-mi looks at you like you're insane. you were a higher status, that meant you were meant to exit the carriage first.
"are you sure, my lady? it's against the rules-" joo-mi asks, unsure. you cut her off, "i insist."
joo-mi hesitates for only a second longer, then bows her head and steps down carefully from the carriage.
you take a deep breath. you remain seated for a moment longer, your hand is still curled tightly in your lap, though you don’t register the sting properly until the air shifts again.
a shadow falls near the carriage step. it isn't large enough to beg for attention, but it defiinitely catches yours.
a guard stands there. he's young and composed.
his uniform is simple, outer guard markings visible but unadorned. he doesn’t speak at first.
he’s looking at you, offering a small smile as he bows in your direction. he extends a hand, “allow me, my lady,” he says.
you stare at his hand, which stays steady, palm open, waiting without pressure. you stand up after contemplating for a few seconds, placing your hand in his.
his grip is careful, firm enough to support you, light enough not to feel so restrictive. he helps you step down from the carriage.
when your feet meet the ground, he releases you immediately, stepping back into proper distance as if nothing more than protocol has occurred. “thank you, my lady,” he says, lowering his gaze respectfully.
he bows again, making you nod in acknowledgement. "..thank you." you speak quietly, walking over to joo-mi.
you can feel eyes on you from everywhere. it wasn't everyday that a member of a noble family attended a marketplace. you felt bashful under all their gazes.
people glance as you pass, some quick, some lingering just a little too long before they remember themselves and look away. it makes your shoulders tighten without permission, your posture subtly shifting as you try to make yourself feel smaller.
joo-mi notices, stepping half a pace closer so she can speak without anyone else hearing.
“this way, my lady,” she guides gently. “the main stalls are just ahead. It will be less crowded there
joo-mi offers you a smile, you return it partially. "what was that guard's name?" you ask, referring to the one that had helped you down from the carriage.
joo-mi blinks slightly at the question, as if she hadn’t expected your attention to linger there. “the guard?” she repeats softly, glancing over her shoulder in the direction you came from.
the young man is already stepping back into position near the carriage. you turn your head, and he's already looking - flashing you a smile. you turn back.
“i believe he is one of the newer outer guards assigned to the rotation,” she says thoughtfully. “he was brought in recently, so i haven't heard his name often. but," she trails off, "i think his name is lee heeseung."
you nod in acknowledgement, before walking off in the direction of a stall you deem as interesting enough.
the stall is crowded with fabric and jewellery, you think some of it looks pretty. joo-mi follows close behind as you stop in front of it, the merchant immediately straightening up at the sight of your clothing.
"my lady," he greets, bowing in front of you. "please, take your time looking."
you nod politely, already shifting your gaze down toward the display in front of you. there are strings of beads, along with other accessories such as embroidered scarves and such.
joo-mi points to one of the scarves of your favourite colour, “my lady, this would look beautiful on you.” she reaches over, lifting a ribbon between her fingers.
glancing at the ribbon briefly, you hum in agreement. "do you think i should take it?"
joo-mi nods, looking down in respect. "if you wish to, my lady."
you wave your hand, turning back to the merchant. "i would like one of these." you gesture to the ribbon in joo-mi's hands, and he nods immediately.
the merchant bows quickly, almost relieved at your decision. “of course, my lady. i will wrap it immediately.”
he reaches under the counter, retrieving another ribbon of the same colour. he lays it neatly on a small cloth before beginning to fold it with practiced precision.
you turn your head away, disinterested in the process. unfortunately for you, your father had asked you to stay out the whole day - besides nightfall, of course.
joo-mi pays for the ribbon using the money pouch given to her by your father. "my lady, would you like me to have these added to your belongings in the carriage?"
you look at her, nodding. "yes."
the merchant ties the ribbon carefully, placing it into a small paper wrapping before sliding it forward. “thank you for your purchase, my lady.”
joo-mi takes it first, holding it securely before turning back to you. she steps closer to you, "we should continue, my lady. the market will only start to get busier."
with a defeated sigh, you nod. "if we must. when will we be able to go back?" you ask her, glancing back at the carriage.
"i'm sure we can leave when you would like, my lady." joo-mi responds softly.
you glance back toward the carriage again. it sits a little further down the street now, partially visible between moving bodies and stalls. the guards remain stationed around.
the idea of already returning feels like a waste.
you begin walking, joo-mi trails after you. she notices your hesitation without commenting on it. instead, she adjusts her pace to match yours as you start walking again.
“we do not need to stay long,” she adds softly. “just enough for you to see what you wish. your father only asked that you are properly escorted and return before evening."
you nod, humming.
"joo-mi, do you want anything from these stalls?" you ask, turning to her. the question catches her off guard.
she blinks once, clearly not expecting the question at all.
for a moment, she actually hesitates, before quickly lowering her gaze.
“my lady…i am not here to purchase anything,” she says gently, as if reminding both you and herself of her position.
you keep walking, watching her for a reaction.
joo-mi adjusts her sleeves slightly, composing herself again. “if you are asking out of kindness, then i am grateful."
she pauses again, "but i do not need anything."
eyes forward, you hum. "that isn't what i asked, joo-mi.
“my lady,” she says carefully, “your visit is for you. It is not necessary for me to-"
the look that you give her makes her pause, cheeks heating up. "i suppose i could look around, if you truly wish that."
you nod, "please do. none of this interests me, and i would rather rest at the carriage."
joo-mi nods, "i understand. i'll escort you back, my lady." she guides you through the crowd, subtly choosing paths where you'll avoid the densest parts of the market.
soon, the carriage comes back into view, waiting exactly where you left it. the guards are still stationed in their positions.
"thank you." you look at her once you're standing next to the carriage. she hesitates for a brief moment, as if still unsure whether she’s truly allowed to separate from you in a place like this.
“if you are certain,” she adds softly, “i will not be long.”
one of the guards bows to you, opening the door and allowing you entry to the carriage. "welcome back, my lady."
looking back at joo-mi, you give a small, dismissive wave of your hand. “go.”
that seems to reassure her.
joo-mi straightens, composing herself again into her usual calm composure. “i will remain within sight. if you need anything, call for me immediately.”
you nod once in response. she bows, then steps away into the market.
the guard shuts the door, and you sit in there peacefully. the outside noise dulls immediately, and you sigh in relief.
there's a knock on the door, soft. as if whoever is outside is waiting for permission rather than demanding attention.
a masculine voice follows, lowered slightly just loud enough for you to hear. “my lady.”
you don't recognise it immediately, but you sit up.
"you can open the door." a few seconds after, the door is slid open softly.
you blink when you realise it's the same guard from before, lee heeseung.
you take in his face properly this time. his face is gentle in structure, and you would consider him to be handsome. he seems to be somewhere around your age too.
when he speaks again, his voice is steady, but softer than you expect. “my lady,” he says, carefully. “i apologise if i disturbed you. i only wished to ensure you were well.”
you look at him, tilting your head in confusion slightly at his concern, "no, you didn't disturb me."
you pause in thought. joo-mi was going to be a while at the market's, right? you use your chin, gesturing to the seat before you. "come in. i'm bored."
there’s a brief pause outside the carriage. his face contorts into one of confusion, as if he’s double checking whether or not he heard you correctly.
"my lady?" his voice rings again, making you glance back at him. "inside the...carriage?"
"yes," you say simply. "unless that’s a problem."
"no, of course not, my lady." he steps onto the upper platform. once inside, he lowers himself into the space opposite you.
for a moment, neither of you speak.
"close the door, please." you ask softly, leaning back into your seat. he reaches over, shutting the door. the carriage feels smaller with him inside, but not uncomfortable.
he glances briefly toward you, then quickly lowers his gaze again, as if remembering himself.
"i apologise if this is improper," he says quietly. "i'm still on duty."
you look at him, resisting the urge to roll your eyes. "i am the one that asked you to come inside, no?"
a faint pause, "yes, my lady."
that makes you exhale, almost amused.
"then talk to me." you say. "joo-mi’s not here, and i’m not doing anything."
he blinks once at that, before locking eyes with you. it's like he's locked your gaze onto his own, because you're unable to pull away.
heat crawls slowly through your body, it starts low in your chest, feeling strange. you sit up, re-adjusting your body.
"talk?" he repeats, like he’s making sure he understood the request correctly.
"yes," you confirm. "anything. i don’t care."
he shifts in his seat, thinking. "most of my days are unevenful, my lady. i'm not sure what you'd like to hear."
you tilt your head. "then tell me uneventful things."
when he doesn't respond, flustered, you scoff. you lean forward, pointing to his hand - where there is clear injury. it looks like the palm of his hand was sliced open by something.
"tell me what happened to your hand. i want to know." his attention drops instantly to where you’re pointing. then he reacts subtly, almost too late. he curls his fingers slightly as if to hide it, but stopping before he fully closes his hand. the injury is still visible. a clean, uneven cut across his palm, recently dressed but already faintly stained through the edge of the wrapping.
"it's nothing serious, my lady." he starts, voice careful and even. "just apart of my duties."
"what part of your duties requires you to have bleeding hands?" you look at him, raising an eyebrow.
"my duties involve assisting wherever needed," he says after a moment, voice steady. “not all tasks will be predictable. the crate was heavier than expected. i misjudged it when securing the corner."
"you mean to tell me that a crate cut you open like a fish?" you blink, seeing through his lie.
you hold out your hand, "give me your hand." he hesitates for only a fraction of a second, just enough to register that you’re actually serious, before carefully shifting his injured hand forward.
he places it in your open palm.
up close, the cut is clearer. not deep enough to be life-threatening, but enough to sting sharply. the dressing around it is already slightly worn at the edges, clearly not tended to properly.
"this was clearly done by a knife." you look at him, running a finger gently over the wound. he flinches, and you notice.
you press down harder, and a small whimper leaves his lips. his shoulders stiffen, his jaw clenches tightly.
"my lady," he says quietly, "it hurts when you do that.."
you hum, smoothing your finger up and down the bandage. "but," you look up at him, "you like that, don't you?"
he doesn’t pull away, but his fingers tense in your hold, like he’s forcing himself not to react more.
"i asked you a question." you say, catching his attention once again.
he looks up at you, and that same fire burns through your lower abdomen now. "i am not sure how to respond to that, my lady." he admits bashfully.
"with honesty," you say, dropping his hand from your grasp.
"then yes. it felt nice, coming from you my lady." there’s no playfulness in his tone.
you blink in surprise that he was actually honest. you hum softly, leaning back in your seat.
the heat in your body is bothering you now. it's too strong to ignore, like someone struck a match beneath your ribs and let the flame burn.
"..are you permanently assigned to me?" you ask, turning back to him.
the question seems to catch him slightly off guard. he straightens a little, as if adjusting back into duty.
“i am assigned to the outer escort rotation for your household,” he answers carefully. “so, not permanently, my lady. i rotate between posts. but while you are outside the estate, i am your escort."
"who gave you those orders?" you ask him, a small pout forming on your face.
his gaze flickers up for a moment. “…is there a concern, my lady?”
"answer my question first." you nudge his calf with your foot gently.
"…the head of the estate guard rotation," he replies carefully. "the order came through your household steward, under your father’s direction."
"ignore them." you wave your hand dismissively. "i want you on my rotation. you are staying with me."
it looks like he genuinely doesn’t process the words properly.
he nearly chokes, "pardon me, my lady?" he doesn't believe he heard you correctly.
his gaze flickers up briefly, then away again. "do you mean… during today’s escort duty?"
"i want you to escort me everywhere, anytime i want." you speak softly, resting your chin on your hand. “not random guards i don’t know.”
"…that is not a simple request," he says carefully. his posture straightens slightly.
"escort assignments are rotated to prevent overexposure and maintain security protocol."
you barely process his words, "i don't care. you're on my team from now on."
"..my lady," he says carefully, "that is not something I can decide." for a second, he looks genuinely uncertain how to respond without overstepping or possibly offending you.
glancing back at him, you notice the fear on his face. "oh, relax. if it makes you feel any better, i'll ask my father about it."
"…if your father approves a reassignment," he says slowly, "then I will follow the order given."
his eyes lift briefly to yours. "however, escort rotations are handled for security reasons. consistency with a single guard is not usually recommended."
he hesitates, before speaking softly again, "that said… I will not refuse a direct instruction if it is officially issued."
"it's officially issued by me that you are with me from now on." you reply quickly, sitting up.
"may I ask what makes you certain about this decision, my lady?" he asks.
"you entertain me." you admit honestly. "what's your name?" you weren't one hundred percent sure if joo-mi even had the correct name.
"lee heeseung, my lady." he bows his head in respect.
your gaze drifts back to his face again, and reluctantly, you have to admit it probably influenced your decision a little too.
because unfortunately for you, heeseung is extremely attractive.
but for some reason, you can't stop this insatiable feeling that you got when you first looked heeseung in the eyes. and no, it wasn't just because of his pretty face.
you sigh softly, and heeseung notices the agitation.
"my lady, are you feeling alright?" he asks softly, leaning closer.
you shake your head, "it feels so hot in here," you say, leaning back. you start to fan yourself, "..i feel so hot."
"would you like me to call somebody, my lady?" he asks softly, leaning a bit closer. as soon as he does that, you feel your lower region ache.
"..no." you sit-up, shaking your head. would it be shameful of you to ask a guard to relieve you? it’s definitely a breach of contract somehow, but that was for your father to worry about, not you.
"..come here." you ultimately decide, making space for him next to you.
heeseung obliges, blinking innocently. you almost feel bad for taking advantage of your position.
your cheeks heat up, and they’re about to burn brighter at the request you’re about to make. lowering your voice to a whisper, you speak. "..i want you to touch me."
heeseung’s eyes widen. "did i hear you correctly, my lady? you want me to touch-"
you cut him off immediately, clamping a hand over his big mouth. when you trust him to be silent again, you remove your hand.
"keep it down, will you?" you hiss, sighing. "..you know what, never mind."
you begin to fan yourself again, ignoring him out of embarrassment. after a few seconds, heeseung speaks up again.
"my lady," he starts, but you don’t turn toward him. heeseung calls out for you again, which finally makes you turn your head.
"what?" you glare at him, a soft frown on your lips.
"if you were asking me to relieve you,” he whispers this time, leaning closer. “i’d be willing to oblige you.”
you stare at him for a second, trying not to shy away from his gaze. taking a deep breath, you nod. “..please.”
“do i have permission to touch you, my lady?” you nod instantly, feeling the ache between your legs grow even more.
heeseung’s hands are immediately on yours. one hand slides under your robes to your front, spreading your thighs apart. he cups your pussy possessively.
his fingers are gentle at first, pushing your underwear to the side as he rubs at your folds with feather-light touches. he teases your entrance, circling but not penetrating.
you groan in annoyance at this, making him apologise swiftly, “sorry, my lady.” an apology leaves his lips, yes, but you don't miss the stupid grin on his face as he says it.
your wetness coats his fingers as he continues exploring your folds. “you’re so wet already,” he whispers softly, almost in admiration. it’s embarrassing - the way he's just gawking at the slick connecting his fingers to your cunt.
“can you keep it down?” you whisper back, turning your head away shyly.
“of course, my lady.” he agrees, shuffling closer to you. he lifts your thigh, granting him easier access to your slit. heeseung slip a single finger into you, letting out a quiet groan at the tightness wrapped around his finger.
you bring your hand to your own mouth to conceal your noises. heeseung pumps his finger slowly, revelling in your soft gasps and whimpers despite you attempting to muffle the noises.
a second finger joins the first, stretching you deliciously as he curls them just right - hitting that spongy spot. your toes curl, a louder whimper slipping from your lips.
when his thumb finds your clit, rubbing firm circles, your hand grips onto his wrist, nails digging into his skin.
that doesn’t stop his ministrations, though. heeseung continues to pump his fingers in and out of your sopping heat steadily.
“w-wait,” you whimper out, making him glance up at you. you use your hand to tug at his uniform, pressing your lips against his.
heeseung kisses you back hungrily, tongue delving into your mouth to taste you. he continues to move his fingers in you, redoubling his efforts even.
his thumb flicks over your clit rapidly, making you squeeze your thighs around his wrist. he can’t really move his fingers in and out if you do that, so he opts to curl his fingers inside you, finding that special spot that makes your toes curl.
he swallows a loud moan that definitely would’ve left your lips. when he finally pulls back, you’re both panting hard.
“my lady,” heeseung breathes out, “i can’t pleasure you if you keep shutting me out like this.” he breathes out, referring to the leg lock you currently have his wrist in.
you apologise softly, “i-i’m sorry,” you sputter, “it was just..a lot.” a smirk appears on heeseung’s lips at your words.
“my lady,” he speaks, and you look at him. “may i be granted permission to make you feel as good as you possibly can?”
you stare at him, confused at first. “you want permission to do anything?” heeseung nods at your words.
you’re hesitant, but he seems to know what he’s been doing this whole time. “..fine - i grant you permission."
he withdraws his fingers. heeseung grabs both of your wrists with one hand, holding them against your chest. he backs you further up into the seat, spreading your thighs with his knee.
now that you’re spread out for him, he plunges his fingers back in - making you gasp.
his pace is brutal now, practically fingerblasting you. the way his fingers piston in and out of your dripping pussy create obscene squelches that fill the usual silence of the carriage.
you squirm, thighs shaking the slighest. as a result of trying to silence yourself, you bite your lip so hard it actually starts bleeding. heeseung’s eyes lighten up at that.
heeseung leans in, “keep it down, my lady. otherwise the both of us will get into trouble.” he whispers, lips grazing the side of your ear.
you nod, whimpering softly. “i-i’m, ah- sorry.”
his thumb makes it’s way back to your clit, rubbing harder and firmer circles now. you can’t hold it back, your pussy fluttering around his digits. your stomach tightens, and after a few seconds - the coil releases, and you gush all over his fingers.
heeseung slowly pulls his fingers out as you pant softly, he also releases your wrists.
“did that satisfy you, my lady?” heeseung asks, and you can’t help but notice the cocky tone in his voice. you're still catching your breath though, so you don't care to humble him.
you hum softly, nodding in agreement. “..satisfied? yes, very.”
heeseung pats your robes back down, fixing your clothing for you. you also comb your fingers through your hair, trying to make it look like it did previously.
the atmosphere definitely probably smells like sex, it’s a confined space after all. you sit back, trying to catch your breath.
a knock breaks the moment. the both of you pause.
heeseung straightens immediately, posture resetting into something more formal.
"yes?" you ask softly, a little worried whoever it was at the door could tell what just went down.
"my lady, may i come in?" it was joo-mi.
"you may." you respond sitting back properly.
the latch clicks, and the door opens just enough for her to step inside. she pauses for half a second when she notices heeseung already seated opposite you, then quickly smooths her expression back into composure.
whatever thought flickers across her face is gone almost immediately, replaced with her usual expression.
“my lady,” she greets, bowing her head slightly.
"did you find what you were looking for, joo-mi?"
“yes, my lady,” she answers softly, a smile creeping up onto her face. “the stalls were as expected. i did not require much time. thank you for letting me do that." she bows her head again in appreciation.
her eyes flick briefly toward the space opposite you, just for a moment, not lingering.
“i also ensured your purchase was added safely to the carriage,” she adds, referring to the ribbon.
heeseung begins to move as if to stand, but joo-mi lightly raises a hand.
“stay seated,” she says politely, not unkindly. “there is no need to adjust for me."
"no, joo-mi, you can have your seat back." you correct. you look at heeseung, "you may leave. thank you for your time."
“understood, my lady,” he says at once. he stands, bowing his head. careful not to bump anything in the confined space of the carriage, his posture resets as he steps out of the carriage.
joo-mi glances toward you, a small teasing smirk on her face. it’s very subtle.
you notice it though. “what?” you ask immediately, eyes narrowing slightly.
“nothing, my lady.” she replies quickly, patting down the fabric of her sleeves in an attempt to smooth it out.
you stare at her, meanwhile she avoids your gaze. that lasts for around two seconds before she eventually loses composure, and ultimately makes eye contact with you.
“you seemed rather interested in that guard.” she says lightly.
you blink once. “i was just speaking with him.”
“yes,” joo-mi agrees, nodding her head. “for some amount of time.”
“there was nothing else for me to do while waiting.”
she hums, straightening her lips. the sound itself is enough to make your expression flatten.
joo-mi lowers her gaze politely again, though her small grin never disappears.
“he is very handsome,” she adds after a moment.
you immediately look away toward the carriage curtains, out the window. “that had nothing to do with it.”
“..of course, my lady.” joo-mi agrees out of respect, despite seeing through your lie.
outside, the faint sound of guards shifting into position can be heard.
“we will be departing shortly, my lady,” she says gently, and you nod.
“are we going back to the estate?” you ask, unsure of what you’re even doing next.
“we can go wherever you’d like, my lady.” joo-mi says, reaching for the handle of the door. “would you like me to ask the guards to take us elsewhere?”
"no." you shake your head, "i want to go back home, please."
joo-mi pauses for a split second, but nods anyway. "of course, my lady." there’s no disappointment in her voice or an attempt to persuade you otherwise.
she slides the carriage door open slightly and relays the instruction to the guards outside.
“we will return to the estate.” voices from outside respond to her in acknowledgment.
movement outside the carriage begins. through the small opening of the carriage window, you briefly catch sight of heeseung again near the escort line. snow catches faintly in his dark hair before melting almost immediately.
joo-mi reaches for the carriage door, closing it once more. inside, warmth settles around you again, quieter now than before.
joo-mi sits across from you, studying your expression carefully before speaking.
“was the market too much today?” she asks gently.
you stare at your hands for a second before answering. "a little, yes."
she nods like she already knew. “then going home is the right choice.”
outside, the carriage finally begins moving again. you sit back in your chair, shutting your eyes. your breathing gradually slows with the movement of the carriage.
the next moment, or it feels as though, you awaken. joo-mi is calling out for you, “my lady,” joo-mi says gently. “we’re back.”
your eyes open slowly. for a second, everything feels blurred together, but you blink, once, twice - and it's clearer.
you straighten slightly in your seat, rubbing at one eye tiredly.
“…already?” your voice comes out softer than intended, still heavy with sleep.
“you slept through most of the journey home, my lady.”
you glance briefly toward the curtained window beside you. it’s darker outside now than before, evening fully settled over the estate grounds.
"how is it already evening? we left early morning, no?" for some reason, your chest feels oddly light. you take another look, genuinely perplexed.
joo-mi pauses at that. “…we did.”
you pull the curtain aside slightly, staring out at the estate grounds again. lanterns have already been lit along the pathways, their warm glow reflects against the snow.
your confusion deepens. the market trip hadn’t felt long enough for this and neither had the ride home. you glance back toward joo-mi. “how long was i asleep?”
she blinks, then slowly looks toward the carriage window herself, as though only now properly registering the darkness outside. “…i’m not certain,” she admits quietly.
you kind of just stare at her, before letting your shoulders loosen in carelessness. whatever.
the thing is, joo-mi is always certain. always aware of time, schedules, routes. but now even she looks unsettled, gaze lingering toward the evening sky outside the carriage. “it should not be this late,” she says after a moment, mumbling to herself more than to you.
the carriage door opens, a different guard stands outside this time, one you vaguely recognize from the estate grounds but not by name. "my lady," he says respectfully, extending a hand out to you. "we have arrived back at the estate."
you take his hand, stepping down from the platform. "tell me, how is it night already?" you ask the guard, making him furrow his eyebrows in confusion.
"you have been out of the estate the whole day, my lady." he responds casually. that makes you pause mid-step, your grip loosens slightly as you look up at him, perplexed.
you glance around once instinctively, everything feels strangely quiet. all of the guards that had originally come with you were surrounding the carriage, preparing for it to be put away, but heeseung was nowhere to be seen.
"hm." you hum, letting go of the guard's hand. "thank you."
“of course, my lady,” he replies, dipping his head in acknowledgement.
but your memory doesn’t feel like a full day, it feels put together, like it was fake or something, maybe.
joo-mi steps closer behind you, noticing your expression immediately. “my lady?” she asks softly. “are you feeling unwell again?”
the guard shifts his stance slightly, attentive now but not alarmed.
you blink once, then slowly shake your head. "no,” you say, though it comes out uncertain even to your own ears. "i'm fine. i would like to return to my quarters, please."
this was strange. there was no way it would've cost you the entire day to ride to the market, spend some time there, and return. you should've had the entire afternoon and more left, so why was nobody questioning it?
behind you, joo-mi steps closer, falling naturally into pace as you begin walking toward the estate doors.
“shall I prepare warm water for you again?” she asks gently, as if nothing about the day was unusual at all.
as the doors of the estate open ahead of you, you shake your head. "yes, please."
joo-mi nods her head in acknowledgment, walking down the empty hallway with you. she escorts you to your room, she pauses, bowing her head slightly. “i will return shortly with your bath,” she says.
you nod, already half distracted, fingers intertwining with each other as if to calm yourself. “thank you.”
joo-mi walks off, and you take a seat on one of the chairs near the window, letting your hands rest in your lap.
you sort of daze off until she comes back.
being a noblewoman was boring in a way that never really changed. always waiting, always being prepared for something that never quite felt like it belonged to you.
there was nothing for you to do except sit, behave, and eventually be married off into another household that would decide your next set of rules for you. there was nothing you were allowed to do alone, either.
your father had noticed. he tried to entertain you in your own way, but you assumed it was hard considering there was nobody around your age within the estate aside from joo-mi. your father wouldn't allow for it. it was a surprise that he was agreeing to marry you off this year, but he probably deemed you as old enough.
she was kind and familiar, but still part of the structure of your life, not outside it. there wasn’t really anyone who felt like they existed in your world without purpose or permission. joo-mi wasn't there because she enjoyed your company, she was there because she had to be.
you barely saw your father either, and your mother was dead. it didn't hurt much to think about now, it was many years ago.
your father never moved on, though. he never really let you drift too far from his grasp. after the death of your mother, something in him must have tightened
you let out a small breath, leaning back slightly in your chair. boring wasn’t even the right word anymore. it honestly felt like you were already dead, but unluckily in hell. your punishment was eternal boredom.
a soft knock catches your attention, and you turn toward the door.
"my lady?" joo-mi calls quietly, "your bath is ready. may i come in?"
you blink once, "come in."
the door opens almost immediately.
joo-mi steps inside, “i’ve prepared it at the temperature you prefer,” she says gently.
you nod, standing up from where you're sat.
joo-mi hesitates for just a moment before speaking again, her voice softer now. "you seem tired, my lady. would you like me to stay nearby you while you bathe?"
"no, thank you, joo-mi." you politely decline as she closes the door to your room behind you. "i'd prefer if i was alone."
joo-mi nods, escorting you to the bathroom, she opens the door for you. "It's ready for you, my lady."
joo-mi remains behind you, hands folded. “i will be just outside if you need anything,” she adds softly.
you nod at her words, before walking in and shutting the door behind you.
you exhale slowly, slipping off the outer material of your gown. you're about to take off the next layer of clothing as well, but you pause.
your mind backtracks to what you thought about earlier, and you didn't want to marry some random man.
your left foot touches the water, then your right follows, sinking in slowly until you’re ankle deep in the bath.
the idea of marriage lingers again at the back of your mind. it's not like getting married would make you any happier. if anything, it would make you feel worse. it makes your gut feel weird. like the concept of a life like that belongs to another version of you that isn’t standing here right now.
the water rises as you lower yourself into the bath, still fully clothed. the fabric clings to your skin as it absorbs the hot water. you settle in until you’re fully seated.
if you disappeared, then you wouldn't be obligated to do anything your father asked you of.
plus, it's not like he'd even notice if his daughter was gone or not. despite living within the same estate, massive or not, you only saw him once a few months.
and even then, the conversations between the two of you are brief, structured, and formal. like a meeting arranged between obligations rather than a father and daughter talking.
you sink further in, water up to your collarbones now.
you thought of joo-mi. maybe she would be sad if you were to leave her, but she would get over it ultimately. the two of you weren't friends, she was an employee to your father.
the bath remains still around you, only small ripples forming when you shift slightly. your thoughts don’t feel loud anymore.
they feel… flat.
there's no substance behind them, they don't feel real. you don't even notice yourself sinking further into the water, the hot steam coming from it applying warm pressure onto your face.
it reaches your jaw, then your lips, which you clamp shut. then your nose, and you stop inhaling.
you shut your eyes too when the water comes up high enough. before you know it, you're fully submerged in it, drowning peacefully.
you think it's peaceful at least, till it's not.
your lungs start to burn, hurting your insides like an uncontrolled fire. on instinct, you straighten quickly, pulling yourself more upright in the bath and lifting your face fully above the water, coughing and sputtering.
your hands press lightly against the edge of the tub for stability.
joo-mi's voice rings from outside, alarmed. "my lady, are you alright in there?"
you don't look up, eyes forward on the water before you. tears start to leak from those same eyes. "..i'm fine, thank you." your voice comes out steadier than you thought it would, to be honest.
on the other side of the door, you hear her shift closer. “are you sure?” she asks again, more carefully this time. she isn't pressuring you into answering, but she doesn't sound convinced.
"yes, i'm fine." you feel more tears streaming down your cheeks. "please leave. i want to be completely alone."
joo-mi speaks again, quieter than before. “..as you wish, my lady.” you hear her foot steps retreating down the hallway, echoing.
your eyes sting before you even fully register it, and it isn't because of the bath water entering them. you shut your eyes, trying to force it away. you stay still, hands remaining braced against the bath’s edge until your breathing begins to settle again, hiccuping softly.
there's footsteps approaching, but you don't register it, even though it sounds like they're already in the same room as you.
then, a light brush of fingers moving the hair stuck to your face. that makes you blink wide open, meeting familiar eyes.
it's heeseung, the guard from earlier, crouching before you. he wasn't supposed to or allowed to be here. you flinch back instinctively.
he pulls his fingers back too, his expression blank. but he doesn't look the same, something about his face is off.
"why are you crying, pretty girl?" he speaks, tone way more mature than when you had previously spoken to him. your throat tightens before you can answer.
heeseung tilts his head slightly, studying you when you don't answer. "is it your father again?" he reaches forward again, hand cupping the side of your face, thumb stroking your cheekbones gently.
"what..? what are you talking about?" you don't bother moving back this time, simply letting him touch you. you didn't care enough at this point. it all felt like a dream, anyway.
"you know what i'm talking about." he says your name after, whispering it softly. he drops his hand from your face. his hand lowers to his side, fingers flexing once like he’s resisting the urge to reach for you again.
"do you want me to kill him?"
the words don’t even settle properly before your face twists in disbelief.
your eyebrows furrow, and you look up at him like he's insane, which he must be for threatening to kill a nobleman.
"have you gone insane?" it comes out sharper than you meant it to, but it fits the way your chest is suddenly tight again. this time not from crying, but from the genuine shock you felt from his words.
heeseung doesn’t react the way you expect. there is no denial, or embarrassment, or any hint of backtracking his words. instead, his gaze is steady on you, face unreadable.
"no. what makes you think that?" his words make you lean back further into the bath away from him. suddenly you regret sending joo-mi off.
heeseung sighs, still crouched before you. "don't look at me like that, god." he clenches his teeth, and that's when you see the sharp fang.
he isn't normal, he isn't a human.
for a second, everything goes too still. even the water feels like it’s stopped moving around you.
heeseung notices immediately. he exhales through his nose, slower this time. his jaw loosens, but the damage is already done
your breath catches so hard it hurts. your eyes widen, and you try pull yourself out of the water. you've barely made it anywhere before your slammed onto the floor chest first with supernatural strength, upper body out of the water but your lower half is not.
a pained whimper leaves your lips, cold tile presses against your cheek, wet hair sticking to your skin. it was painful and overstimulating.
“hey.” his voice is different now, deeper. he sounds annoyed, almost. "stop moving."
you stop, stilling your body. the grip he had on your back relents, and he let's go entirely. "why are you doing this to me?" you mumble out, tired.
in the small amount of time he had you pinned down, it felt like you were about to die, and you already concluded you wouldn't have even minded at this point.
"i'm not doing this to you." his gaze drops to your body, clothes tightly clung to your frame. "you panicked. i just didn't want you to hurt yourself."
you deem it safe enough to turn, sitting up on your rear. "i meant, why are you here, doing this to me?" you use your hands to gesture to everything.
he ignores your question, leaning in again. his fingers touch the damage done to your face from him slamming you down so hard. it was cut slightly, and would definitely bruise.
"don't cry." his thumb wipes at a tear you didn't even know you had. "does it hurt?"
you shake your head, surprising yourself as to why you're so relaxed about this. heeseung shuts his eyes, almost as if he's savouring something.
"i'm sorry, i didn't want to do this so soon." you're about to question him on whatever that means, but he's on you before you can open your mouth.
he leans in, jaw angled to fit your neck. you feel his lips graze, tongue licking a spot on your neck and it tickles. the ticklish feeling is soon over after you feel something sharp sink into your neck, hard and fast.
you nearly scream, but he quickly covers your mouth with the palm of his hand. tears stream down your face from the pain, but he doesn't stop.
he continues sucking, your blood, you presume. the pretty man you wanted as a guard wasn't as innocent as you deemed he was. he was a blood-sucking vampire.
the moment his fangs pierced through your skin, a wave of euphoria is sent right through his body. his throat bobs with each swallow, the sound of him sucking echoing through the quiet room, aside from your pained gasps. the hunger that had been clawing at his insides for centuries started to subside.
heeseung could feel your heartbeat fluttering rapidly. he could hear it too.
your limbs feel weak, especially your hands. they're on his chest and shoulder, trying to push him away but it doesn't work. he grabs one of your wrists, then the other, holding them with his fingers.
your head doesn't feel any better, completely dizzy. you feel as if you're about to pass out, but he pulls away. blood leaks from his perfect lips, he licks at it before it can drip onto the floor. heeseung's hand catches the back of your head before it can fall to the floor.
"you taste so sweet," he reminisces, resisting the urge to go back for seconds. using his hand on the back of your head, he brings you closer to him - licking a stripe up on your open wounds slowly, not letting any go to waste.
"that was payback for earlier in the carriage." you can barely hold eye contact, feeling drained. heeseung notices you about to pass out, but he shakes your head, jolting you back. "no, you can't pass out on me now, baby."
you almost don't catch the pet name, not that you could bring yourself to care anyway. eyes landing on him, they focus.
"who are you..?" you gasp out weakly, slowly regaining your strength.
that small smile appears again, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. if anything, it looks like it hurts him to make it at all.
“hmm,” he exhales softly, almost disappointed, but not in you. more so in the situation.
he looks away for a second, jaw tightening as if he’s frustrated. “it's okay, you’re not supposed to remember everything at once anyway,” he adds, softer. “it doesn’t work like that.”
you have zero clue on what he could be talking about, but before you can even ask him, he sighs again.
his face looks like he's contemplating something, chewing his lip before finally settling. he leans in, pressing a kiss to your forehead. "i'll be back for you, don't worry." the way he says your name feels so intimate in the moment, despite it coming from a random man. or well, you thought he was a random man.
heeseung lowers you onto the cold tiles gently, before purposefully knocking a vase to the floor. it echoes through the bathroom, and it's safe to assume it echoes through the hallway enough to be heard from outside.
panicked footsteps come toward the bathroom, and heeseung winks at you, before disappearing in thin air. you gawk.
what the hell just happened?
you barely have anytime to think before joo-mi's voice comes from the other side of the door. "my lady! are you alright in there?"
you don't reply, hoping she'll get the hint to come in and help you, in which she does. "my apologises, my lady, but i have to prioritises your safety." she pushes open the door.
when she sees you laying on the floor, joo-mi immediately rushes over. "my lady!" her hands hover for half a second, before she carefully touches your shoulder, checking you over with precision.
“are you hurt?” she asks quickly, voice controlled but clearly shaken. “can you breathe properly?” her hands push your hair away, in attempt to keep it neat but then her eyes widen.
she sees the two holes in your neck, bite marks.
"oh my god." her hand freezes mid motion in your hair.
then she pulls back slightly, eyes locking onto your neck properly now. the bite marks are unmistakable. joo-mi's expression shifts fast, shock going to alarmed.
"my lady,” she says quickly, helping you upright gently. "don't move. i'll be back soon. you're safe now." she stands.
the door shuts behind her with a decisive click, leaving the bathroom in silence.
the awful sting and dull ache at your neck, pulsing was a simple reminder that what happened wasn’t a dream or panic or confusion.
it was actually real.
your body feels heavy in a different way now. it wasn't just weakness, but exhaustion catching up all at once. the kind that makes even sitting upright feel like effort.
you wanted to go to sleep.
joo-mi returns quickly with your estate's apothecary, as well as your father's steward.
joo-mi returns first, and behind her is the estate’s apothecary. your father’s steward follows close after, his expression immediately hardening the moment he sees the state of you.
“move aside,” the apothecary says quickly, dropping to his knees beside you without hesitation. he looks at your neck, then your face, then your pulse point.
"what happened here?" the steward asks, to which nobody responds.
“bite marks,” the apothecary says simply, already reaching for bandages and a small vial. “they are recent. not deep enough to be fatal, but she’s lost blood.”
“i found her like this,” she says, voice clearly on edge. “someone was in the room.”
the steward’s expression hardens immediately. “no one enters this wing without being cleared, and the guards would have seen them.
the apothecary gently tilts your chin, taking in the severity of your wounding.
suddenly, you feel a harsh pang on the side of your temples. it's sudden enough that your breath catches slightly before you can stop it. you hear voices around you speaking, and a pair of arms catching you before you fall.
shutting your eyes, you feel everything around you blur.
you wake up in your office cubicle, hair sprawled all over. a thin layer of sweat sticks to your neck and forehead, and when you try to move, your head throbs sharply, a dull, lingering ache right behind your temples.
what a weird dream.
the girl in it seemed so familiar though. like her face and the feeling of her presence felt so real.
and not to mention heeseung being in your dream, as some weird, freaked out vampire.
the dream version of him had felt familiar though. familiar in a way that got under your skin. even thinking of him in that concept made your chest tighten.
had you gotten way too deep into the enhypen loophole? should you go get some therapy..? maybe this was the aftermath of going to a concert, or something.
you stare at the black screen of your computer a while longer, trying to recount everything that happened.
“…what the hell,” you mutter under your breath.
it felt so real.
you exhale through your nose, letting it go as you always do when a dream doesn’t make sense to you.
your hand reaches for your neck, where the bite happened. you aren't expecting much, just skin. maybe some sweat from sleeping awkwardly at your desk.
but the moment your fingertips press beneath your jaw, pain flares sharply. you blink, sitting up properly. pulling out your phone, you open up the front camera, angling it toward your neck.
there's nothing. no bite marks, or bruising. it's just your skin.
a breath leaves your lungs shakily, somewhere between relief and embarrassment. “right,” you mutter quietly to yourself. “obviously.”
shrugging it off, you pat your hair down. you stand, stretching your arms. the weirdest part of all of this was that the headache you just had is practically gone. as if it were never there in the first place.
another thing you noticed was that it wasn't typical of you to have dreams midday. it was typically only when you were sleeping through the night.
it was pretty late at night now, and nobody else was at the office aside from a few of your co-workers. the building felt different at this hour.
picking up your items and putting them into your bag, sliding notebooks and loose items into your bag one by one. your mind keeps circling back to the dream.
a voice calling you “my lady." you pause briefly, then zip your bag shut.
no point overthinking it. you stand, shoulders rolling back as you sling the bag over one arm and glance around the office one last time.
you start walking toward the exit, your footsteps echo softly down the corridor, footsteps echoing in the near empty building.
and for a brief second, just as you pass the glass reflection of the hallway windows, it almost feels like you’re not entirely alone like you assumed.
but when you turn your head, there’s nothing there, just your reflection. was your mind playing tricks on you?
okay, you felt weird now. that weird headache was back too, but it was way worse this time.
a sharp pulse comes from behind your temples so suddenly that your vision blurs for a second. you stop walking immediately, one hand catching the edge of the hallway wall before your knees can fully give out beneath you.
that doesn't really help though, because they do give out and the next thing you know, you hit the floor once again. your knees hit first, then your shoulder catches awkwardly against the carpeted floor of the corridor hard enough to force the air from your lungs.
the pain sparks throughout your body, but it’s overtaken immediately by the pounding in your head. what was happening? this was honestly starting to annoy you, all the constant deliriousness and sudden passing out.
another pulse of pain blooms behind your eyes. the tension eases from your body, and your eyes slip shut. the last thing you register before consciousness leaves you entirely is the feeling of someone kneeling beside you.
when you wake up, you're in the infirmary. the first thing you take in is the smell. herbs. the scent is strong enough to sting your nose slightly.
you open your eyes, vision immediately being filled with the sight of a wooden ceiling. your gaze travels downwards, and you notice the heavy blankets laid out on top of you.
you push yourself up too quickly and instantly regret it when dizziness washes through your body. a hand reaches out, steadying you.
“my lady.” it's joo-mi. relief floods her face so fast. "you’re awake,” she breathes out.
she’s kneeling beside the bedding laid out in the infirmary room, hair slightly disheveled, which gives you the impression that she hasn't rested since you passed out. there are dark circles beneath her eyes now you don’t remember being there before.
joo-mi's here but even your own father isn't. typical.
"joo-mi," you sit up, slower this time. "what happened..?" your throat feels dry when you speak. "how long have i been out for?"
“you've been out for three days after you collapsed,” she says gently. “the apothecary said the blood loss and shock caused you to pass out."
your fingers reach up, ghosting over where the bite would've been. this time, your fingers come in contact with bandages, making you wince.
joo-mi notices immediately. “my lady,” she says softly, leaning closer. “be careful. the apothecary said not to touch the dressing.”
your hand instinctively flies down, "my apologies."
giving you a reassuring look, joo-mi shakes your head. "it's alright, my lady." she leans down, sitting back down on her knees. "the estate has been secured, so don't worry about anything."
"thank you, joo-mi." you say, genuinely grateful for her concern."
joo-mi’s expression softens immediately at your thanks. “it is my duty to care for you, my lady,” she says quietly. "though, if it is alright with you, may i ask what happened? do you remember your attacker, my lady?"
your eyes snap back to her, "my attacker..?" memories flash back. yeah, you were attacked by a vampire, and he put you into danger but your curiosity took over.
"that wasn’t enough to bring your memory back?"
yes, he hurt you. the bandages around your neck were proof of that.
why had he spoken to you like he already knew you? why did he sound disappointed instead of surprised when you didn’t remember him?
and the worst of all, why did part of you feel like you should?
joo-mi notices your distant expression immediately. “my lady?” she asks softly, concern creeping back into her voice.
you blink, "i don't remember." you admit, looking down at your lap. "how am
her expression softens as she watches you lower your gaze to your lap, "that's alright my lady. are you feeling hungry? your food is ready, i just have to go and get it."
when she mentions it, there is a faint emptiness in your stomach. you nod, "a little."
joo-mi rises from her knees, patting her skirt down, her expression filled with relief. "that's good. the apothecary said you should eat as soon as possible."
then she slides the door open quietly and disappears into the corridor. "i'll be back soon, my lady."
the infirmary falls silent again.
you're sat in bed, staring at the wall in front of you. your body still feels heavy from exhaustion, so you finally exhale and lean back slightly against the bedding. then the candle beside the far wall flickers, and the temperature in the room drops.
a quiet voice breaks the silence from somewhere behind you. "why didn't you tell her the truth?"
your pulse jumps instantly.
when you turn your head, heeseung's standing in the darkened corner as if he's been standing there since forever. his expression is calm as he steps closer toward you.
“how did you—”
“you think the guards can stop me?" heeseung says quietly, his gaze drifts briefly toward the bandages around your neck.
your lips form a small pout, annoyed at heeseung's ego. "fine. why are you here?"
"i wanted to see you." his honesty confuses you. had he not tried to kill you just a few days ago?
it's almost like he read your thoughts. "i know how that sounds," he says quietly, looking back at your neck. "but if I intended to kill you, you wouldn’t be alive right now."
instead, your curiosity returns. “why did you bite me?” you ask, voice flat out of annoyance. heeseung's been avoiding telling you the truth this whole time, and it's irritating.
"i thought that it would help you remember me. it did last time."
your brows knit together immediately, "last time?" you repeat, sharper now. heeseung's expression shifts, hurt washes over his features.
"..you’re not supposed to be remembering it in pieces," he says quietly. "it’s supposed to come back all at once."
he exhales softly, before speaking again.
"and I was trying to make sure you didn’t forget me again." heeseung comes closer to you, but you don't flinch away this time. you believed him when he said he would've killed you if he actually wanted to.
the space between you feels different this time, not dangerous or threatening. heeseung reaches out, cupping your cheek. his touch is surprisingly gentle this time.
'please don't snap my neck.'
that's all you're thinking of at this current moment. heeseung's face contorts into something similar of hurt, even though you never said it out loud. it's like he read your mind or something.
you know, he probably can read your mind. he's a vampire, why wouldn't you think of that? that explains it all, to be honest - how he's been able to recognise how you're feeling constantly.
vampires were controversial anyway.
half the court didn’t even believe they existed anymore, despite their being clear evidence of it such as old records sealed away in restricted archives or unexplained deaths. you always believed they were real, anyway.
your father hated them. a vampire is what took your mother away, after all. the details were never fully explained to you, anyway.
so you grew up with the idea already carved into your mind - that they were real, and they were dangerous, and they were the reason something important in your life had already been taken away. in theory, you should hate him and you should be terrified.
you should've been calling for guards the second he appeared inside this room.
your father would be horrified. the mere idea of you willingly sitting this close to a vampire would probably send him into a fit of rage severe enough for the entire estate to hear.
the thought comes bitterly this time.
because where even was he? you nearly died. your focus snaps back to heeseung, and suddenly the closeness feels too noticeable again. he drops his hand from your face, instead, he shifts and sits down beside you on the edge of the bed.
"so, you really don’t remember me." heeseung says quietly.
you frown immediately. “why do you keep saying that? that isn't giving me much insight."
"because it’s true."
your brows knit together. "i told you already, i don’t know what you’re talking about."
his gaze is unreadable for a second, but then he looks back, locking eyes with you. "in your past life,” he says quietly, "you were mine." your eyes widen.
heeseung's words settle in your stomach, it feels weird. "..yours?" you almost didn't believe it. a presumably centuries old vampire was claiming that you were his wife in your past life, how crazy did that sound? you stare at him, blankly. "you don't actually expect me to believe you, right?"
heeseung scoffs softly and straightens up from where he’d been leaning closer to you.
"i mean," he says dryly, "not really. you were a lot easier to convince last time."
his words make you pause instantly. "last time?" you repeat slowly. then your expression changes. "..how many times has this happened?"
for the first time since entering the infirmary, heeseung goes completely silent. as if he’s debating whether answering honestly is a good idea.
"heeseung, answer me."
his gaze lowers briefly before lifting back to yours again. "..three."
your eyes widen immediately. "three?!" you whisper harshly, breaking composure for the first time. "you’re telling me i've died three times?"
"you've reincarnated three times." he corrects softly.
"that isn't any better."
a faint flicker of amusement almost appears on his face before disappearing just as quickly.
"i mean, you remembered faster the second time," he murmurs, almost to himself.
you stare at him in disbelief. he continues, "but that time, you did throw a vase at my head."
your face scrunches up slightly, ignoring his dig at you. "how have i died three times? have you killed me all three?" you scoff.
heeseung is taken aback by your question, maybe even offended that you'd even assume that. "why would i kill my lover?"
before you can respond, he reaches over. his fingers settle against your forehead. you tense slightly on instinct, but all he does is flick it gently. "silly girl. you really do think the worst of me, hm?"
you feel a little disrespected that he thought he could just do that and get away with it. you were a noblewoman, after all.
something in you reacts immediately, you swat his hand away. "don’t do that." you snap, more offended than frightened now. you straighten slightly in bed, "i'm a noblewoman, you can't just touch me like that."
that earns a slight tilt of his head. "but you let me touch you back in the carriage, hm?" he says teasingly, making your face burn red.
"you still react the same way," heeseung mumbles. it feels weird that he's comparing you to yourself, yet you don't remember being her.
"how did you even manage to find out it was me?" you ask, curious about the whole reincarnation thing. heeseung looks a little surprised at your question. "does that mean you knew the whole time in the carriage? were you the one that manipulated with the time of day?" you continue spouting, making him press a finger to your lips, shutting you up effectively.
your words come faster as you think through it, the questions stacking on top of each other until you barely pause for breath.
"oh, so you noticed the time was off?" heeseung smiles, pulling his finger away.
"how could i not? and answer my other question - how did you know it was me?"
"..you always reincarnate into the same body." he begins quietly. "of course it changes with circumstances - like age, but i can always tell that it's you." heeseung sighs softly, a small smirk creeping up onto his face. "and you always smell the same."
if you were stupid, you definitely would've missed the seductive tone in his voice, making you flinch back slightly. "..that is inappropriate."
"you're my wife, why would it be?" the words land flatly, like it's the easiest thing for him to say.
a small blush covers the apple of your cheeks, making you look away in retaliation. "not in this life," you scoff.
"that can be easily arranged, baby." heeseung says, leaning over, picking your chin up between his fingers - making you look at him.
you wrap your fingers around his wrist, attempting to pull him away but he doesn't relent, making you give up pretty easily. "..there isn't a chance that i would've willingly married a pervert like you."
heeseung smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes. instead of responding, he leans in, nuzzling his face into the crook of your neck, you freeze.
"relax, pretty." heeseung reassures gently, punctuating his words with a slow, deliberate lick along your jugular. the bandages are thin, and you can feel his fangs grazing the sensitive skin without breaking it. your face is beet red at this point, and you're sweating nervously.
he nuzzles further into the crook of your neck, body nearly on top of yours. you're tensed up, but heeseung doesn't care. after all, you're still the same woman he's loved all this time. "you'll let me have another taste, right? i've missed you. you took ages to come back this time around."
heeseung's fingers lightly push at the bandages around your neck when you don't respond, continuing to speak, "i didn't mean for last time to be so rough," he admits, pressing a soft kiss to the side of your neck. "i was just caught up in the moment."
he lifts his head from your neck, making eye contact with you. from this angle, he looked harmless - you had trusted that face once, or at least, something in you reacts like you had.
you take a deep breath, overwhelmed. "will you leave me alone if i let you..?"
"no." heeseung replies back simply, "you're mine again. why would i let you go once more?" his answer makes you scoff.
he leans back in once more, one hand slides down the side of you and rests at your hip, fingers squeezing gently.
"why would you even bother asking if you were just gonna do it anyway?" you mumble in annoyance. heeseung doesn't respond verbally. you can feel his fangs graze across your pulse again, marking exactly where it's gonna hurt. his empty hand grabs the back of your head gently, fingers tangling in your hair.
in one swift motion, he sinks his sharp teeth into the soft flesh of your neck. a soft whimper leaves your lips as you shut your eyes, trying to bear with the pain. you can almost exactly how much blood is leaving your body with each second. his fingers dig into your hip, pulling you closer to him, you shuffle forward with no surrender.
footsteps cut through the corridor outside, fast and urgent. the door slide open sharply.
"my lady!" joo-mi rushes in first, breath caught, eyes instantly locking onto you. relief flashes across her face for half a second before it tightens into panic when she sees heeseung beside you.
right behind her walks in the estate apothecary follows quickly, already holding a prepared medical kit, a guard following closely behind.
and then your father. he stops at the threshold.
for a moment, the entire room is silent. his eyes take in everything at once. you're sitting weakly in bed as heeseung drains the life essence out of you.
heeseung finally pulls away, caring enough to turn back at the audience watching the two of you. you slump back onto the pillows, exhausted.
the air in the room shifts immediately. "..step away from her," your father says, voice low.
joo-mi moves forward quickly, but the guard pulls her back by the arm protectively. the apothecary doesn’t speak, but his grip tightens around his kit in fear.
heeseung, however, doesn’t rush to defend himself, he simply looks at your father, blood dripping out of his mouth, down his chin. a small grin forms onto his face, "i was waiting for you to arrive." heeseung says quietly.
the guard shifts forward half a step, hand near his weapon. "i said to step away." your father speaks again, making heeseung stand, hands up in mock surrender.
your father's eyes narrow at the movement like it still isn’t enough. "..a vampire," he says quietly, like the word itself is offensive.
heeseung doesn't even react, just taking a slow step back from your bed. that only seems to confirm everything in your father's mind.
"you dare stand in my daughter’s room," your father continues, voice tightening with restrained rage, "after what your kind has done to this family?"
heeseung sighs as if talking to these people were a chore.
your father doesn’t look away from heeseung for even a second. "i should have you executed where you stand." he says coldly.
"you could try." heeseung says, tone full of arrogance, which seems to upset your father further. you shut your eyes, barely able to remain conscious at this point.
"you think immortality makes you untouchable?" your father asks, "you're a lowly creature."
heeseung tilts his head slightly, ignoring his insult. "no," he says simply, "but experience does."
heeseung’s eyes drift briefly toward you again, the expression on his face changes. his eyes soften slightly.
before the guard can even draw his weapon, heeseung's gone - just like that.
your father's expression hardens immediately. "search the estate," he orders sharply.
the guard bows, "yes sir." he leaves the room immediately.
joo-mi finally rushes fully to your bedside the second heeseung is gone, kneeling beside you quickly. "my lady, are you hurt?" she asks in a rush, eyes searching over you anxiously.
you barely respond, a small hum leaving your lips.
the apothecary steps forward, examining your form, "please remain still," he says carefully, though his voice sounds slightly shaken.
your father stays where he is, still staring at the empty spot heeseung disappeared from. his gaze shifts over to you, jaw clenched.
"has she been bitten?" your father asks, not bothering to come any closer.
the apothecary hesitates but nods, "yes, she has, my lord."
your father doesn't speak for a moment, but after around thirty seconds he speaks. "call the executioner, now." you barely register his words, but did he really think he had the power to kill heeseung?
both the apothecary and joo-mi snap their heads toward your father. "what? my lord, you don't mean to-"
your father finally looks at you properly now, and something about his expression makes unease crawl beneath your skin. but it isn't grief, or is it relief that you survived.
it's calculation.
"yes, i do." your father interrupts the apothecary. "she's a risk." he finishes coldly.
for a second, you genuinely think you misheard him.
joo-mi looks horrified. "my lord," she says quickly, voice shaking slightly, "the lady was attacked, she is not at fault-"
"you think I don’t know what vampires do?" your father snaps.
silence fills the room immediately afterward. the apothecary's face is as pale as a ghost's.
your father's gaze remains fixed on you now, unwavering. "if he fed from her," he says, each word clipped and controlled, "then we do not know what he could have left behind."
joo-mi instinctively moves closer to your bedside.
"my lord, respectfully, there has been no sign of corruption," the apothecary says carefully. "her pulse is stable, her condition-"
"that creature stood beside her bed like he belonged there," your father says angrily. "and she let him."
that accusation stings you more than you expected. probably because it was actually true. weakly, you find your voice. "father.."
he doesn't even look at you.
"i want her gone by tonight." he says coldly, "make it quick."
"my lord, please, she is your daughter." joo-mi pleads, but he doesn't even listen to that. he walks out of the room after that.
the apothecary gives you a sympathetic look, and joo-mi already has tears falling down her cheeks.
they continue to stream freely down her face as she rushes closer to your bedside, grabbing your hands carefully like she’s terrified you’ll disappear if she lets go. "my lady.." her voice cracks badly. "i'm sorry, i should've been here with you."
you can barely process what just happened. your father had just ordered your execution.
"joo-mi, please." the apothecary pulls her away gently. he leans closer to you. "my lady, please forgive me." your throat tightens at his words.
fear suddenly floods your chest, sharp enough to cut through the exhaustion. the apothecary’s hands tremble as he uncaps a small vial.
a vial is pressed to your lips, before you are made to drink it.
"please," the apothecary says quietly, and somehow the grief in his voice is worse than if he sounded cold. "drink."
your body feels way too weak to fight properly. the liquid pours into your mouth bitter and burning, sliding down your throat before you can try turn away.
you can hear joo-mi's sobs. the apothecary shuts his eyes, as if he himself doesn't want to watch it.
"i added something to make you sleep first," he murmurs. "you should not feel much pain."
the edges of your vision darken slowly as the medicine settles deeper into your system. one thought repeats quietly in your mind.
'heeseung said he wouldn’t let you go again.'
those are the last words you ever think in that life time before your eyes shut for the last time.
there's low humming somewhere nearby. you assume it's air conditioning.
when you wake up again, you're in an unfamiliar room. your eyes open slowly. then you sit up abruptly, and almost immediately regret it. pain throbs behind your temples hard enough to make you wince.
"fuck.." you mutter, voice hoarse. the word sounds foreign after hearing nothing but formal speech for what felt like days. that was definitely the longest dream you'd had in ages. it was so strange.
you couldn't control yourself at all. it was like a series of events all played out for you. plus, you don't think you've ever died in a dream before - assuming that's what happened in the end.
your breathing quickens slightly as you look around properly now. this room wasn't the infirmary, it was a bedroom. modern-style, and completely unfamiliar.
you glance over. a dark hoodie hangs over the back of the chair nearby. from the looks of it, it belonged to a male. you sit up now, alarmed. the worst possibilities come to mind - did you get assaulted after you passed out..?
pushing the blanket draped over you off, you notice all of your clothes are still on and intact. your hand flies immediately to your neck, no andages this time. but the skin there still feels sensitive beneath your fingertips.
you sigh in relief, standing up. you take hesitant steps toward the bedroom door, pressing an ear to it. your legs still feel slightly weak beneath you, but at least they hold your weight this time.
surprisingly, there was no noise on the other side of it.
leaning back, your hand reaches for the handle, turning softly, not wanting to make any noise. the door opens with only the faintest click.
you peek out cautiously first, it's just an empty hallway.
your gaze flicks toward the front door instinctively, which you can barely see from here. it's locked.
three separate locks, actually.
"..okay," you whisper under your breath. that's mildly concerning.
you step out further anyway, bare feet silent against the floor. you gawk, actually - staring at your bare feet, because you definitely weren't the one to remove your shoes or socks.
a voice suddenly comes from somewhere behind you, "most people wait until they fully recover before they try to escape, you know?"
you nearly jump out of your skin.
spinning around sharply, you're met with lee heeseung - except this time, his hair isn't black. it's burgundy, definitely not natural like the last time you saw him.
well, that was in a dream to be fair.
your heart races, feeling heavy.
it's him.
the heeseung plastered across billboards, album photocards shoved into your drawers, performances you’d replayed at two in the morning when you couldn’t sleep.
your actual, real-life idol. your brain feels like it short-circuits.
"did all that work?" heeseung speaks again, leaning closer. this time, he doesn't hesitate to grab you by the waist, smashing his lips against yours in a bruising kiss. his tongue forces it's way past your teeth, kissing you like he's trying to devour you whole and begging for forgiveness all at the same time.
you're dizzy, and confused. did he get the wrong girl? you kiss him back either way. one hand fists your hair gently, angling your head to deepen the kiss further. the other roams on your lower back, before finally resting on your hips.
when heeseung finally breaks away, you're both panting. he rests his forehead against yours, eyes heavy-lidded with clear desire. "i'm sorry for doing that to you." his jaw clenches in anger, like he's remembering a bad memory. "i never forgave myself after that day."
you blink, "..what?" you pant, out of breath. "doing what to me?"
heeseung tilts his head, pulling his head away but his hands are still on you, as if he's scared that if he lets go you'll disappear again. "hm." he inhales, "your dream. it was real. it was your memories in your past life."
for a second, your brain refuses to accept the sentence. real?
you stare at him, searching his face for any sign of joking. there isn't any. "what, you're actually a vampire and i've been reincarnated multiple times?" you joke, but heeseung's face is dead serious.
after a few seconds, he parts his lips, flashing his fangs.
your throat tightens at the sight.
"that doesn’t make sense," you whisper. "tell me something that happened in the dream, then."
"you let me get you off in the carriage." he says, a smug grin on his face as the words leave his mouth. your face heats up at the embarrassing memory.
"okay," you fold almost immediately. "i believe you." heeseung looks relieved at your words, but a little surprised too. to be honest though, you sort of believed in the whole red-string theory. if he's found you multiple times in each life time, then maybe it was meant to be.
that same teasing smirk you saw in your dream re-appears on his face.
"i think that's the shortest amount of time it's ever taken me to convince you." he says. "you're getting better at it."
you think about his words. you were a huge fan of him, at least in this life time, there wouldn't be a reason for you to deny him. he was the bias in your favourite group, after all. his voice interrupts your thoughts.
"oh, so you're a fan of my work?" heeseung asks coyly, leaning in closer. you lean back instinctively, face feeling hot.
"..you can't use your mind-reading thing against me." memories of your dream flash-back to you. mainly when heeseung left you to die, kind of.
heeseung opens his mouth to speak, but you cut him off. "mind you, you're basically the reason i died, and you bit me twice without my permission."
the teasing in heeseung’s face doesn’t disappear, but it softens. "i'm sorry." he wraps his arms around you, bringing you closer to him. you indulge in his touch, but then he opens his mouth again. "plus, i asked you the second time."
you scoff, pulling away. "if my memory serves me correctly, i said no and you bit me anyway."
a guilty expression washes over his face. "you're right. i'm sorry, baby." the pet-name catches you off guard. especially since it's coming from lee heeseung of all people. maybe this was a dream too, and you were going to wake up disappointed.
"it isn't a dream." heeseung says, sounding a little frustrated. his fingers graze your jaw, before grabbing your face, squishing your cheeks together firmly, but gently. "do i have to prove that to you?"
you're taken aback, eyes widening slightly. his lips are on yours before you can even fully register the meaning of his words. his kiss isn't as gentle as it was previously though. his fangs graze your bottom lip, barely, but still cutting the muscle open. his tongue swipes, licking up any blood that seeps out of the cut. heeseung's hands slide into your hair, angling your head to deepen the kiss as he presses your back against the wall.
when he finally breaks away, saliva connecting your slick lips, you're both left panting. his eyes are half lidded, looking at you with clear desire.
“let me make it up to you,” heeseung murmurs, voice low. “let me show you how sorry i am for letting you go. for how much i need you.”
one of his hand trails down your side, resting on your waist. that same cold hand of his slides underneath your shirt, making you flinch as his palms skim over the soft skin of your stomach and ribs. he tugs at the fabric, silently demanding more access to you.
this time, he actually waits for an answer.
you blink in surprise at first, but nod when you see his pleading eyes.
“fuck, you taste so good," he rasps, ducking his head to press hot, open-mouthed kisses along your jaw and down your neck. “i’ve wanted this for so long..."
he nips at your pulse point, before soothing the sting with his tongue. heeseung makes no move to bite you this time, simply just sucking hickeys onto your neck as his hands explore your body.
he grabs your hand, dragging you to his living room. heeseung guides you backwards until the back of your legs hit the couch, causing you to sit down.
he follows, settling between your parted thighs. “tell me what you want, baby.” heeseung coaxes, looking up at you through his lashes. “i’ll give you anything."
this was all happening so quickly, you felt dizzy. you snap back into reality. clearing your throat, you realised you were in control here clearly, so you might as well take advantage of it.
when you don't respond, heeseung sighs - before grabbing your wrists, pinning them above your head. "i was trying to be gentle, since i haven't fucked you for centuries, but you make it so hard to resist."
heeseung leans closer, pressing his body against yours. his cock throbbed painfully in his sweat pants, slowly losing self-control with each second. you can't ignore the feeling of his hard-on eagerly touching you, still separated with the layers of both of your clothing.
"i had to wait hundreds of years for this," he whispers lowly, "for you to be under me once again."
heeseung misses your past lives together. he misses the way you used to writhe underneath him, hearing you moan his name over and over again. he learnt exactly what made you whimper, learnt exactly where your g-spot was, and how to make your legs shake. how else did you get off so quickly back in the carriage?
heeseung's hand snakes down past the band of your skirt. you were still dressed in your office uniform, after all. he can feel the heat radiating from your pussy, even your arousal was evident through the thin fabric. "i don't want to upset you again," he begins, he mumbles against your neck, "so, i'll ask this time. will you let me fuck you?"
you make eye contact with him, and all the blood in your body goes straight to your heart, pumping furiously. folding, you nod. "..okay."
heeseung grins, releasing your wrists. you're confused, but then before you can react, you're manhandled onto your stomach.
"what-" you start to speak, but heeseung cuts you off. "shh, just relax." he murmurs, hands gripping your hips firmly, thumbs digging into the soft flesh. one of his hands slides around to the front, going underneath the waistband of your skirt.
his fingers rub against your panties, thumb specifically going for your clit. heeseung lets out a soft groan when he feels how damp you are. "you're so wet for me, yet you act like you don't want this, hm?"
"can you just fuck me?" you hiss, embarrassed. you lift your hips slightly, trying to feel more than just teasing touches, but his fingers don't move.
he calls your name, voice low. "i don't appreciate you talking to me like that." you feel his fingers tangle into your hair, before tugging you backward. "i was going to be gentle with you, considering you haven't taken me in years."
heeseung's hand pushes your skirt up, making it bunch around at your waist. his palm comes down, spanking your ass. "but i guess you're still an eager slut, same as all of those years ago." a soft whimper leaves your lips.
"..why would you even say that?" you grumble, annoyed at the fact that he was not only degrading you, but also comparing you to another version of yourself again. it didn't exactly turn you off though.
his fingers hook in the waistband of your panties, practically ripping them off you. "why would i say that? because it's true." his hand comes back down. "spread your legs." his tone leaves no room for argument.
hesitantly, you spread your legs. heeseung wastes no time, his hand delivering another sharp spank, this time to your aching cunt. he groans at the sound of your startled gasp as a result of it, the noise sending a jolt of arousal straight to his dick.
a shaky sigh leaves his lips, and you can feel his presence step back. "on your knees." he says calmly, making your eyebrows knit in confusion. you look back at him, but he looks dead serious - it's kind of scary even.
you blink, but retreat, climbing off the couch, settling onto your knees. looking up, he's already looking down at you, expression impassive as he tugs at the waistband of his sweats.
your bare knees are already digging into the hardwood floor, making you shift slightly. heeseung reaches inside, freeing his dick - and making your eyes widen at the impressive size.
it was pretty though, in a weird way. his tip was a pretty pink, and a prominent vein went along the side of it.
"..you don't actually expect me to give you a blowjob, right?" you say, dumbfounded. it wasn't outrageously thick in girth, but the actual length of it looks like it could kill you maybe.
heeseung's hand reaches for the top of your scalp, he curls his fingers in your silky hair, gripping firmly but not painfully as he makes you look up at him. "does it look like i'm kidding?"
you gulp, the look on his face told you he definitely wasn't. with a slight tug of his hand, he guides you closer until the swollen head of his dick brushes against your bottom lip. "open your mouth, pretty."
the pet-name kind of eases your hesitance in a way. you part your lips, revealing the pink wetness of your tongue. heeseung applies steady pressure, slowly pushing past your lips and onto your tongue. the taste of his pre-cum floods your senses as he starts feeding you more of his dick, inch by inch.
"that's it.." heeseung groans, throwing his head back, holding you in place as he starts shallow thrusts. the hand in your hair tightens, forming a pony-tail with whatever hair is in grasp of his fingers.
you pull off, gagging when he starts to thrust. you aren't used to this, and his dick is way too big - hurting your jaw. heeseung allows you to compose yourself, reaching down with his other hand to wipe at a stray tear. "too big?" he snorts teasingly, making you glare up at him.
"shut up." you hiss, wrapping your fingers around his shaft again, taking him back into your mouth. heeseung hums approvingly at that.
"that's better.." he praises, moving the hair out of your face. he pants softly, starting to move his hips forward into your mouth. each thrust pushes him further past your stretched lips, the thick head of his dick nudging the back of your throat.
one of his hands remains tangled in your hair, setting the pace, while the other one traces along your jawline gently. that same hand drops lower, grazing over your neck as he feels it bulge slightly around his dick. drool escapes the corners of your mouth, coating your chin and dripping down onto your heaving chest, staining your blouse.
"you're taking me so well." heeseung whimpers softly, hand on your neck moving to your cheek as he strokes it gently. "guess your body still knows who it belongs to even after all this time."
you feel yourself getting light-headed from the lack of oxygen, and so you pull off. heeseung hesitantly lets you, watching the string of saliva that connects your lips to the swollen head of his cock.
"was that too much for you, baby?" heeseung strokes your hair gently, but his tone is nothing but condescending. ironic because the entire time he was trying not to cum as soon as you wrapped your lips around his tip.
his hand reaches back down underneath your skirt as you willingly part your legs for him. heeseung's fingers finding your most intimate area, spreading your slick folds open. "you're even wetter than before," he observes, almost snickering. "did sucking my dick really excite you that much?"
without waiting for a response, he pushes two thick fingers knuckle-deep into your sopping heat, pumping steadily as he stretches you open for him. you gasp, hands immediately gripping onto his forearm in an attempt to stabilise yourself. that makes him grin, leaning in to whisper into your ear. "i'm the only one who can make you feel like this, right?"
you weren't a virgin in this timeline, but he didn't need to know that. you nod at his words, "...yeah, of course." his eyebrows furrow, and at that you remember he can read minds. shit.
heeseung's thumb finds your clit, rubbing firm circles which coaxes more of your essence to coat his digits. his other hand has a bruising grip on your hip. heeseung's gaze is locked onto your face, taking in every micro-expression and breathy whimper that leaves your lips. "maybe i wasn't your first, but you'd be stupid to think i'd let someone else touch you ever again."
the pressure in your stomach increases, but he pulls his fingers out before you can even consider cumming. you open your mouth in protest, but he stuffs his fingers in, silencing you effectively.
he pulls his fingers out of your mouth. heeseung pulls you up and bends you back over the couch, stomach flat against it as he tugs your hips up with his hands. "you're so annoying," you whine, turning your head back to glare at him. "i was going to cum."
"you're about to cum soon, stop being impatient. you're not the one who's waited years." he snaps back, annoyed. heeseung's hand forces your head down into the pillows of the cushion, and that's when you feel his swollen tip press against your wet folds.
heeseung pushes in without any warning, bottoming out immediately, making you jolt as you moan into the pillows. your cunt immediately tries to push out the large intrusion by fluttering dramatically around his length as heeseung stills, letting you adjust.
he pulls your head up by your hair, letting you breathe. it kind of hurts in your lower region, making you exhale. "am i bleeding..?" you whimper out, internally hoping he'll say no.
"a bit, yeah." his fingers reach to your inner thigh, scooping up what you presume to be the blood, and you can hear him lick his fingers - ew. heeseung pushes your head back into the pillows, before withdrawing his hips, only to slam back harder. you choke.
heeseung says something to you, but you can barely register his words with his dick so far in you that you can basically feel it in your throat. he leans forward, pulling you up so your back is against his chest, his hand snaking around to press against the lower part of your tummy.
"nothing to say?" he whispers into your ear, moving his hips up again in a particularly hard thrust, making a loud cry leave your swollen lips. his hand drops further down, cupping your cunt as he rubs your clit.
you can barely stand, resting the back of your head against his shoulder. "..what? i-i didn't hear you." you mumble, tears welling up into your eyes.
heeseung leans forward, kissing the side of your neck. his fangs graze the skin again, but you can't lean away due to his arm on your collarbone keeping you pressed against him. "i said, you wouldn't mind if i take a sip now, right?"
you turn your head in rejection, unknowingly realising that it just gives him easier access to your neck. in turn heeseung takes that opportunity., sinking his fangs into your neck. he doesn't stop moving his dick in and out of you either.
you can't form thoughts as your vision starts to blur, unable to stop choked moans and whimpers from leaving your throat. it just feels way too good, even if this is his way of punishing you - using you like a personal fleshlight of sorts.
heeseung continues sucking on your neck, hand back on your lower stomach, pressing down as he feels himself in there. he pulls away, panting softly in your ear. "are you going to cum soon, pretty?"
you nod, completely putting all of your weight onto him and the couch as you can barely keep yourself up right. heeseung lets you lean onto him, increasing the fervour of his thrusts. your eyes roll into the back of your head as you feel him lick onto the wound he made on your neck.
"..t-that tickles, stop." you mumble out, gummy walls clenching down onto his cock at the feeling of him licking you.
heeseung pushes you back onto your stomach, following you as he pushes his weight onto you. he moves your hair from the side of your neck, kissing your jaw. "but baby, you just tightened up the second i did that." the pace of his thrusts increase, hips meeting against your ass each time. heeseung sucks a hickey onto your neck, licking over it once he deems it as perfect.
you feel lightheaded at this point, and you're on the brink of cumming. heeseung's hand wraps around your throat, applying light pressure there. his mouth moves down, biting your shoulder now. that's your breaking point, making you cum over his cock. "you taste even better like this.." he whines softly into your ear, pulling away from your shoulder.
your thighs shake underneath him, sobbing as you shut your eyes completely. heeseung doesn't stop though, whimpering softly into your ear as he re-doubles his efforts, trying to make himself cum.
"f-fuck," he whines, burying his face into the crook of your neck. every flutter of your tight walls contracting around him made his eyes roll back. your body twitches as heeseung continues, chasing his own release. you could basically feel every vein and ridge of his dick now, feeling extra sensitive because you just came.
heeseung's cock twitched inside you, before you feel him empty himself deep inside of you. he fills you completely, a loud moan leaving his lips at the same time, "i love you...you're mine." he pants out, mumbling against your neck, "you're mine only, nobody else gets to have you but me."
you honestly feel like you're about to pass out, slumping back into the couch. the combination of his rough treatment plus the blood sucking was enough to make you want to sleep. heeseung notices this.
he kisses the side of your cheek, "one more time?" the glare you shoot him afterwards gives him your answer, but heeseung doesn't relent, flipping you onto your back. "don't look at me like that. i'm just excited to finally have you back."
"hey, heeseung.." you call out tiredly, looking up at him. "why haven't you just turned me into a vampire already?" maybe it wasn't possible? who knows.
heeseung stares down at you, his pupils becoming bigger at your words. "..you never wanted me to turn you into one, even though i wanted to." he mumbles quietly, making your eyes widen.
before you can even process it properly, heeseung speaks again, too fast this time, like the words slipped out before he could stop them.
"..do you want me to?"
you blink.
the question hangs between you immediately. you? a vampire? the thought feels strange, almost unreal. you imagine the fangs, the immortality, oh and the blood. but somehow, your brain circles back to heeseung.
to staying beside him. to not dying while he remains exactly the same, waiting for your next return. "..i'm okay with it," you admit slowly. "if you want to, of course."
heeseung stares at you. his hand lifts instinctively, fingertips brushing lightly beneath your jaw before stopping himself halfway.
"you have no idea how long I’ve waited to hear you say that."
this literally took me ages and i literally was just gonna keep this in the drafts bc i couldn't stick w a consistent plot line so if there are any loopholes try ur best to ignore them 😭😭 i tried my best to proofread and make sure there wasn't any tho 🫶🫶
i wanted to have a try but im lowkey never writing smut again bc that shit was WAY too hard like there is just sm going on omfg, lowkey the reason this even took so long to write bc i just kept procrastinating it lol😭🤦♀️
🤏 was this close to just deactivating during and after writing the smut..
ARCHIVE ──── ✧₊⁺ 🎞️ series, opposites attract golden retriever x black cat high school!au basketballplayer!heeseung loner!reader strangers to lovers wc: 7k
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you found yourself staring up at the entrance to the school, hands damp with sweat and wrapped around the strap of your bag with the force of a lethal chokehold.
well. this certainly was not stressful as fuck. you definitely weren't shitting your pants where you stood.
the shadow of the building felt more like the shadow of a grim reaper that had come to collect your soul—had you died of a stroke thanks to all the cortisol flooding your systems?
maybe that would be more of a mercy than what was about to happen.
but you took a breath, steeling yourself against the thought of everything that could go wrong—
and took the first step forward.
you'd arrived early for once, in hopes that you'd be able to avoid the crowd and make it to your seat without fuss.
though nobody besides heeseung had noticed your absence, probably.
and that girl, perhaps.
you hadn't even learned her name, you realized with a cringe. probably a dumb move considering everything, but the thought of surfing instagram to find it...?
you'd already been nervous enough thinking about confronting her. the idea of having to see her face prematurely, even through a screen, was daunting.
god. when had you become such a coward? your mom was right. enough was enough. it was time to man up.
you made it to your classroom in one piece, thanking god you didn't run into anyone you knew—namely, heeseung. or the girl.
you sunk into your seat with a sigh, clutching your bag to your chest and squeezing it like it was one of the cloud-soft plushies on your bed.
you were the only one in the room, the teacher nowhere to be seen. it was just you and the ominous tick tock of the clock, the hands counting down the minutes until heeseung would inevitably arrive.
what would you even do when he came? what would you say? how would you act? did he hate you now? would he treat you differently after you'd cut ties with him so coldly?
you sighed again, shaking your head to clear it and turning to look out the window—
heeseung was there.
you jolted, heart stopping as you made eye contact with the boy you'd been so torn up over—had your overwhelming thoughts manifested him?!
truly, luck was not on your side today.
his eyes widened as he spotted you through the window three stories up, and he seemed frozen for a moment, glued to the ground mid-step—
your body moved before you could think. before you could stop it, your hand came up to give him the tiniest of waves—
it seemed heeseung's body began moving on its own as well, as he broke out into a surging sprint that shot him out of your line of sight and into the building.
well fuck.
you wanted to curl up into a ball, or perhaps lock the door to your classroom as you sat frozen in your chair.
heeseung was on his way. and he'd be here any second now with how fast he was running.
oh, you weren't ready for this. you weren't ready to see him. you thought you'd have time, that you'd be able to deliberate over what to say, how to say it, that you would tell him everything after school. that you'd be able to compose yourself and steel your mind—
bam!
the door slammed open, and heeseung stumbled in, panting and hunched over and wearing this expression that you just couldn't describe as he lurched forward—
huh?
and suddenly he was in front of you, kneeling before your seat as he wrapped his arms around you and buried his face in the crook of your neck.
"i missed you," he mumbled, chest still heaving from his dash into the building and up the multiple flights of stairs. "i missed you so much."
his unexpected show of affection—or perhaps it was the fact that he did not blame you, did not treat you coldly like you expected—caught you off guard, threw you off balance.
maybe that was what allowed those damn words to slip through.
"i missed you too," you whispered, a hand coming to rest on his back awkwardly.
he seemed to breathe a sigh of relief—or perhaps it was just a forceful exhale as he continued to gulp down air—as he melted into you a little.
"but... aren't you mad at me? for what i said?"
he pulled away to look you in the eyes, head cocking.
"huh? of course not. sad, sure, but not angry. i was more angry at myself for not taking your feelings into consideration... if anything, you should be angry at me—”
you shook your head, jaw clenching. "no, no, i didn't mean it. any of it. everything i said was untrue. i... i was..." you stumbled over your words, hesitating. what should you say?
"it's okay. take your time." heeseung patted your clenched hands reassuringly, a kind smile brightening his face.
you exhaled, massaging your temples. where should you even start?
"i... i was... someone..." you cleared your throat, inhaling deeply in a futile attempt to calm yourself down. "um... there's a lot i have to explain, but before i say anything else, i should probably tell you some things about myself..."
you fidgeted with the hem of your uniform's skirt, throat tightening as he nodded, listening intently.
"i—”
the door slammed open, and in poured a group of your classmates, chattering and laughing and shouting—
you tried to jerk away from heeseung, tried to push him away, the action more instinct than intention, but heeseung kept his feet firmly planted even as your hands unconsciously shoved at his shoulders.
"hey. do you wanna get out of here?" he stood and shifted so he was the only thing in your line of sight, his broad shoulders creating a private room just for you two.
you blinked.
"i mean, i know you missed school for a week so maybe skipping another day isn't possible, but it seems like you'd be more comfortable talking somewhere else—”
"yes."
you stood instantly, making him jolt back in surprise—but it only lasted a heartbeat before he smiled gently, extending a hand towards you.
"alright. let's go."
you took it.
you could feel curious gazes following you as you followed heeseung out of the room, hand in hand, door shutting with a sharp clack behind you.
but honestly? you didn't care as much as you thought you would.
you could only focus on the feel of heeseung's hand wrapped around yours—you had no idea it was so big. or callused. or warm.
you didn't even realize you'd exited the building until a burst of sunlight hit your face, blinding you.
you looked back down to where heeseung continued to lead you past the school gates, ignoring the inquisitive stares of the small stream of students going the other way.
"where should we go?" he asked as you finally made it out, stepping past the gates, outside the boundaries of the school property.
you were free.
you thought for a moment, staring at where your hands were joined—perhaps he thought you didn't like it, (did you?) ripping his hand away, face flushing as he realized what, exactly, he'd been doing. "sorry! i don't think before i act sometimes, and i get carried away easily—"
"no, no, don't worry. i..." you hesitated. "i didn't hate it."
"thank goodness." he seemed to deflate, all the tension he'd gone stiff with melting away. "now, where would you be most comfortable talking?"
"hm..." again pondering the question, you crossed your arms over your chest. somewhere secluded would be best. somewhere you were comfortable. somewhere you didn't have to worry about being overheard. somewhere you could be alone.
"... would my place work?" you remembered the first time he'd come over—that time, he'd been the one to suggest going to your place—now, amazingly, you'd willingly volunteered up your apartment. "only if you're comfortable, of course."
"no, no, i should be the one saying that. are you sure?"
you nodded. your mom was gone, smacking you with a stern warning to go to school (and confront your problems) in the morning, before begrudgingly leaving for work. there was no one that would interrupt you.
"okay, then. let's go."
when heeseung stepped into your apartment this time, it didn't feel quite so awkward. some traces of bumbling nervousness remained as he toed his shoes off, hanging his bag on the rack by the door as you invited him up into the main living space, but otherwise he seemed composed. his eyes didn't roam and he wasn't shocked by anything he saw as he came up. he didn't feel quite so out of place.
everything was familiar. the wallpaper remained old and dinged up. the couch still sagged. the lights continued to flicker once in a while. the fridge still hummed too loud.
nothing had changed. that is, nothing except you two.
you'd changed—in the span of the few weeks you'd known each other, you'd changed. your relationship, the air between you two—had changed.
and now, after all this—
it would change again. for better or for worse, that was still to be determined.
you gestured for him to take a seat on the sagging couch, and he did so gingerly, perhaps scared it would collapse under him. but though old it was sturdy, and stood strong under his weight as you got refreshments to fight the summer heat. the early-morning chill which had kept you from sweating underneath your long-sleeved uniform slowly turned into the usual stifling heat of the midday, and you again had to remind yourself not to roll your sleeves up.
not yet, at least.
you handed heeseung his cup of iced tea, taking a long swig from your own as you joined him on the couch.
"why are you nervous? i'm the one who should be nervous right now," you said as you noticed his bouncing leg. "don't tell me it's about coming over when no one else is home. we've done it before, remember?"
"no! it's just... it's been a stressful week, you know."
"... because of me?"
he looked like he wanted to say no—but you knew from his poorly-concealed wince that it was.
you sighed, setting your glass down on the coffee table.
"i... i need to apologize for everything. i've been a terrible—" you stumbled a bit on the word. "—friend. i'm sorry for saying everything that i said that day. none of it was true. i'm sorry for ghosting you. i'm sorry for making you worry. for giving you a hard time. for not speaking to you and communicating when i should have."
he turned to face you, watching you silently as you chewed on your bottom lip, giving you the silence and space you needed to think, to come up with the words you wanted to say, to get everything out without having to worry about a response. he simply listened, digesting your words and sitting with a calmness, a stillness that didn't match the impression you had of him in your head.
"i want to... no, i need to tell you some things. if you really want to be friends, if you want to see who i really am, if you want to know why i did what i did and said what i said, there are some things that you have to know about me. about my past."
you took a breath as you thought, clasping your hands together and leaning forward onto your knees as you continued.
"i... don't know if i'm going to tell you too much, or if you even want to hear about any of this—"
"i do." his voice was unlike anything you'd heard before. "i want to know more about you."
you nodded, unable to look up at him. you took another breath. it trembled—and yet you went on.
"in middle school, i was friends with this girl. we were best friends at the time. we did everything together. i trusted her with everything, and she did the same with me. i thought... i thought we'd be together forever, you know? it was that kind of friendship."
it hurt as you recalled her face, her laugh, the way she glowed when she smiled. all things you'd buried so far away, so deep after everything that happened, that dragging them out now caused you physical pain. your heart hurt as you remembered her smiling face.
"she liked this boy." you had to pause, blinking as your throat suddenly constricted and your hands squeezed tighter around each other. how long ago had it been since you allowed yourself to really remember, to truly think about and process everything that had happened? everything you went through? "like, really liked him. she'd always talk to me about him; get all giddy anytime they interacted. she'd talk to everybody about him, actually—the whole class knew about her thing for him. and i was rooting for them, you know? i told her as much every time. and he did seem interested in her for a little, and they even became friends, but then... everything went downhill."
you didn't even realize your leg was bouncing hard enough to rattle the coffee table until heeseung gently laid a hand on your knee, squeezing once. you didn't look up from where you were staring smoldering holes into the coffee table, but you sighed, nodding gratefully.
"he confessed to me. in front of the entire class. he told her that he wasn't interested in her, that he'd only gotten closer to her to get closer to me. and, well... she didn't take it very well. needless to say, she cut our friendship off immediately. and i get it—she was embarresed, she was sad, she was angry. but then she began accusing me of... of backstabbing her, going behind her back to steal him, and even—" your throat closed up as the striking parallels to your present situation made themsleves laughably visible. "even sleeping with him to get him to like me, just to humiliate her."
you laughed humorlessly as you felt heeseung tense next to you.
"we were in middle school. his dick probably wasn't even fully formed at that point. but it didn't matter. she told everyone who'd listen her sob story, got their pity. and i... no one believed me when i said i didn't. that i didn't even like him. everyone thought i was a lying, backstabbing, easy, slutty bitch who'd slept with her best friend's 'boyfriend'—mind you, they weren't even dating. he didn't even like her. but stories and rumors tend to get blown out of proportion when they circulate, and soon the whole school knew about me. the one who slept with her best friend's 'boyfriend.'"
his hand tightened on your knee, but still he remained silent. he let you take your time as you closed your eyes, your hands coming up to cup your mouth and nose as you inhaled slowly.
memories of those times—the glares in the hallways, the name-calling, the bullying, and everything else, came crashing back, and you had to remind yourself that you were past that now. that it had been years and years, and you weren't there anymore. you were okay. you were okay. you were okay.
you were going to be okay.
"i... after all my other friends ditched me, i became the perfect target for bullies. i was alone. vulnerable. there was no one who'd stick up for me. and i was a 'bad person'—of course nobody would feel bad for me. so... people began bullying me. it started out small—name-calling, mean notes, teasing. but it got worse, so much worse, when they realized they could get away with it. when they realized i wouldn't tell anyone."
you opened your eyes, filled with so much pain that heeseung's heart broke.
"they'd shove me into lockers. drag me into the bathroom and dunk my head into the toilets. pour spoiled milk on me. throw away my food. shove me around. hit me, even. kick me. i did tae-kwon do at the time, so bruises weren't uncommon. no one questioned a few more." you laughed again. "funny, right? i did martial arts—i even won medals—and yet i couldn't even defend myself against them. i was too scared. i thought they'd come after me even more, do worse things, if i fought back. so i let them do whatever they wanted. it got... it got really bad. my mom was—and still is—never home beacuse of work. school was a nightmare. i couldn't get away from them, couldn't hide. they'd make every minute of school hell. and even after school ended, they'd sometimes keep me with them. there was this abandoned building near school that no one ever went by. they'd take me there. make me do all these humiliating things as they recorded. sometimes the guys would even—"
you paused, growing nauseous at the memories.
"sometimes they'd make me take off... my clothes. not all the way, but..." you paused as you felt heeseung's hand tighten around your knee to an almost painful extent. you finally mustered the courage to look up, to look at heeseung's face—
it was blank. almost terrifyingly so. but his eyes, the way the hand on your knee was shaking—
you looked away quickly, before you could psyche yourself out, before you could truly process the extent of everything you were telling him. that you were offering up the deepest, darkest, dirtiest parts of yourself, that you were offering up everything, that you were offering up yourself to him. up to his judgement. to this boy you'd barely known for a few months.
"sometimes they touched me. sometimes they hit me. they recorded everything, of course. they threatened to send it all to their class groupchats if i said anything. so i stayed quiet. and it just kept going on and on, and i didn't know when it would stop. if it would ever stop. my mental state got really bad. i... i did a lot of things i'm not proud of."
you sat up, taking a deep breath as you stared down at your sleeves. and then slowly, slowly rolled them up.
and then there they were.
thin, silvery-pale stripes that criss-crossed your forearms from your wrists to your elbows. your scars. your physical reminders of everything you hated that would never, ever leave you.
this was the first time you'd voluntarily showed them to anyone besides your mother.
heeseung's heart dropped into his ass as he stared at them.
"i... for a long time, i really wanted to die. i thought about it all the time. but in the end, i was too scared to do that, too. so this was what i did to cope. this was the only thing that made me feel like i had even a little bit of control in my life. at least this pain i could predict. i could control." you shook your head. "god, i was so stupid. i stopped after my mom found out. she made me tell her everything. it was only a few more weeks until middle school ended, so even though she wanted to pull me out immedietely i stuck it out until the end. then we moved here."
your leg began bouncing again.
"i started going to high school, and i was so, so wary. i didn't want to make friends again, didn't want to draw any attention for the rest of my time here. i didn't make any friends the first two years. didn't make any enemies, either. i just... minded my own business. i was thankful. happy, even. being alone peacefully was infinitely better than risking going through middle school again. and then, well. you came along."
finally, finally you mustered up the courage to look up at heeseung again. this time, his anger was palpable. his sadness, too. but he didn't interrupt. simply kept listening intently, allowing you to continue.
"i... i really mistrusted you at first. i wanted nothing to do with you. i thought that surely your kindness had to be a ploy of some kind. that you had some ulterior motive to being so goddamn nice. that you showing me warmth and decency that i hadn't seen in years had to be some attempt to humiliate me, or sleep with me, or get something out of me. i guess i was stupider—or lonelier—than i thought, because somehow you actually got through to me. all your stupid attempts at friendship actually worked. and for a few weeks, i was actually happy..."
he hid all hints of the hot, coursing anger that pumped through his veins; the crashing, painful sadness, from his face as he smiled down at you—but it quickly faded as you continued.
"but... something happened recently—the same day i said all those awful things to you. do you remember that time we went to that street market for our project? when we missed the last bus and we had to stay in that motel?"
oh he remembered all right. he nodded as the memory of the way your heat had seeped through his clothes as he'd awoken with your limbs twined around him flashed through his brain.
"this girl...i dont know who she is, but she had a picture of us standing in front of the motel the morning after. she got it from a friend who recognized you, apprently. obviously it looks pretty bad without any context, you know? and i guess she must like you and wanted me out of the picture, but she... she told me that if i didn't cut ties with you she'd send the picture to everyone."
you sighed.
"that scared the shit out of me. i thought it would be middle school all over again. so i immediately did everything she told me to. i asked to be changed classes, or even just seats, but after that didn't happen i panicked. i said all that shit to you, and then just stopped showing up to school. i didn't even want the possibility of her seeing us together, of her assuming anything—and i hurt you because of it. because of my cowardice. i'm sorry."
he didn't reply, only stared blankly at you as you watched him, worried.
"i'm sorry about dumping all of this on you all of the sudden. i know it was a lot. if you see me differently, or don't want to be friends anymore—"
"can i give you a hug?"
huh?
you nodded dumbly, not sure how to react—
then his arms were around you.
and you were surrounded by nothing but him, and everything felt far away. all your problems seemed to be muted, blocked out, warded away by a barrier of heeseung.
you felt so safe. so warm. so... loved.
and maybe remembering and sharing your past had left you off-balance, had left you vulnerable and tender in all the wrong (or right) places, or perhaps you finally felt safe and protected enough to do so, but—
you began crying.
tears sprung up in your eyes suddenly as you buried your face in his chest and his chin came to rest on the top of your skull, one hand cradling the back of your head, the other wrapped tightly around your midsection. your shoulders shook, at first lightly and then in jolting tremors as your sobs began to wrack your body, breaths sawing in and out of your violently heaving chest as you, for the first time since middle school, cried.
"let it all out. you don't have to hold back." heeseung murmered as you gasped and sobbed, the almost five years of accumulated agony and loneliness and fear finally catching up to you, crashing over you, overwhelming as you finally let yourself feel everything in its entirety.
you stayed like that for god knows how long, you crying and trembling and him rubbing your back soothingly, never letting go.
when you finally stilled, tears running dry, he still didn't let go. but he started speaking, the vibrations of his voice rumbling against your face as you stayed pressed up against him.
"first of all, before anything else—i'm so, so glad you're still here. that you didn't give up. even if it was hard. even if it was painful. even if it was scary. you did a great job." his voice was steady, but you could feel the way his hands tightened in your hair and around your shoulder as the words left him. "i'm so sorry you had to go through what you did. no one deserves to be treated that way. if i could beat all those fuckers into the ground right now, i would." a pause. "second. you are incredibly, incredibly brave, and i respect you so much for finding the courage to tell me all of this. trusting me to hear everything, even though it must've been scary, must've been hard. i... feel like i understand you so much better now. i feel like i can finally see you for who you are, without all the walls."
you only nodded against him, throat still tight and throbbing.
"...thank you for listening.
“of course.”
a soothing silence fell between you two, and the rhythmic motion of his hand running through your hair lulled you into a tranquil null.
“...would you like to hear some things about me in return?”
“you don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to.”
“i want to. after everything you trusted me with, i want you to know me too. the real me.”
you nodded again, finally pulling back so you could look him in the face. neither of you balked, even as you both processed what you'd just been doing. what it did or didn't mean.
"my story starts in middle school, too. i was pretty different from how i am now—i didn't have many friends, and i wasn't very loud, either. i was awkward and stuck to myself a lot, just trying to stay out of the way. i know, crazy right? you wouldn't expect it looking at me now." he chuckles, yet the sound is more self-deprecating than amused. "i was a lot like you are right now. i tried my best to blend into the background, to not draw any attention to myself. i thought... i thought i was fine being alone. and i was—for a long time, i was. but... i was lonely. my parents were—are never home, a lot like your mom. my older brother was already in college at that time. and one day, i honestly just got... sick of it. being alone."
he leaned back against the couch, sighing as he allowed his head to rest against the wall.
"needless to say, me being my gangly, awkward, nervous, introverted, lame self made making friends hard. even though i tried my best, no one liked the person i was back then. the harder i tried the more i was teased, made fun of—nothing even close to what you went through, but it still hurt, you know?" it was your turn to rest your hand on his knee as it began bouncing. he glanced over at you, smiling gratefully. "so i changed. i practiced speaking in the mirror until i became confident enough not to stumble over my words. i practiced smiling until it looked perfect and became second nature. i watched videos and listened to podcasts on how to pick up social cues. i started keeping track of trends. i'd always messed around with basketball with my brother, but it was then i decided to get serious and join the school team. i worked my butt off to get better, until i was the best one on the team—and that naturally drew people to me. and i finally got a damn haircut—which is what made the biggest difference, in my opinion." he laughed this time, yet his eyes betrayed his sadness.
"by the end of middle school i became the person you see today—social, outgoing, good at speaking. and i'm happy with the friends i made, really. i love them all. but honestly? sometimes, it feels like i'm lying to them. like i'm lying to everyone. they don't know that the confident, fun person they see, the person they've come to love, still gets exhausted from big crowds. still has to think over his words before he says them. double-checks his jokes to make sure they make sense. still gets nervous when he talks to people, even if he doesn't show it."
you watched silently as he turned again to you, looking right at you with those big, soft, earnest eyes that had something in your heart breaking.
"i know you must still be confused, even now, as to why i latched on to you out of the blue in the beginning. why i was so eager to be friends with you. why i went to such lengths to bother you, to get closer to you. and if you want an honest answer as to why, it's that i saw my old self in you. and i felt that... maybe you'd be able to see me for who i really am—without judging. without being disappointed. without leaving me. i thought that maybe you'd be able to like me for who i am underneath the basketball player, the star student, the life of the party, the smooth talker—like me just for me."
you stared at him, watched as he averted his eyes, a flush blooming across his cheeks and spreading to the tips of his ears.
"oh, heeseung. i'm... i'm sorry i never noticed you were struggling like that. i—i've just been so wrapped up in my own problems, my own head—i never really paid much attention to you. i'm sorry—”
"no! don't be sorry. what are you even apologizing for?" he cut you off quickly, voice panicked as he shook his head furiously. "i was just trying to make sure you understood i didn't approach you with any bad intentions, since i know i must've come off really strong in the beginning, which i'm again really sorry for—”
"no, i'm sorry for not being good at—”
"no, i'm sorry for—”
"no, i'm sorry for—”
you both tried to apologize over each other, voices rising until you were sure the neighbors would hear you, finally peaking before you both stopped to catch your breath, silently calling a truce before either of you could die from asphyxiation.
before heeseung could open his mouth, you spoke up first.
"okay. before you say anything else, let me say a few things. first, your friends right now—jay, jake, sunoo, that group—they all seem like really nice, caring people. i'm sure even if you didn't perform for them like you do everyone else, they'd still love you just the same—so don't be scared to let loose around them, you know?"
pfft. rich coming from someone like you.
he nodded, watching as you put two fingers up. "second..." you hesitated. "you don't have to perform for me, either. i... won't judge. in fact, i might like you even more if you seemed more human. more relatable."
he nodded, eyes softening and mouth stretching into a relieved smile.
"thank you. that means a lot to me."
"of course."
you paused. the air between you felt thicker now, charged with everything you’d just laid bare—and yet lighter all at the same time. you'd cleared the air, gotten to tell him everything, and he'd done so in return—
you blinked.
but had you? had you really?
there was, aside from what to do about the girl with the picture, one more thing that needed to be addressed.
but... what if it ruined what you already had?
your heart hammered against your ribs like it was trying to claw its way out. you’d already handed him your scars, your worst memories, the ugly broken pieces you’d hidden from the world. what was one more risk, you reasoned?
"um... heeseung?"
"yeah?" he turned toward you fully, those warm brown eyes soft and attentive, still a little red from the emotion of the last hour.
you took a deep breath, coming to terms with potentially making a fool of yourself. with potentially making things awkward.
"i'm sorry if this is too direct or if i'm completely wrong, but... do you... like me? as more than just friends?"
heeseung’s eyes widened, lips parting in surprise. for a second he looked almost frozen, like the question had short-circuited his brain. then color flooded his face—ears, neck, all the way to the tips of his cheeks in a deep, hot pink. he opened his mouth, closed it, and suddenly looked anywhere but at you, one hand coming up to rub the back of his neck.
“i—” his voice cracked. he cleared his throat and tried again, quieter. “yeah. i do.”
your heart stopped.
he curled into himself and hid his face in his knees as the words settled in the air between you.
aw. he was surprisingly cute. it seemed he was putting that 'you don't have to perform around me' advice to use far faster than you anticipated.
you found yourself unconsciously embarrassed as well as he peered up at you, eyebrows scrunched.
"i... before all this, i thought i was fine with just being friends. i continuously tried to deny my feelings, tried to cut them off before they could get any larger... but ignoring them only made them grow bigger and bigger underneath all my excuses, and eventually, everything reached a tipping point." he straightened, slowly growing less abashed as the words continued to flow. "this mess... being away from you for a whole week, all the while thinking i might never see you again... it made me realize that i don't want to keep pretending these feelings don't exist." he locked eyes with you, and you froze—you couldn't look away even if you tried. "that i don't want to keep pretending i don't want you to be mine."
wow.
the world slowed.
your heart skipped a beat—then did five cartwheels, three backflips, and a headfirst-dive into your lungs for good measure as he took your hand, squeezing gently.
"i know this is terrible timing. i know it's sudden. and i'm really sorry—but i want to make it clear right now that i like you as more than a friend. being around you makes me happy in a way no one else can make me. being around you makes the sky bluer, the sun warmer, the air sweeter, the grass greener—being around you makes my life beautiful in a way i thought only happened in dramas. words can't express how grateful i am that i met you, and now that i've experienced losing you once, i never want to let it happen again. but..." he hesitated. "i know maybe you don't feel the same way—but i think i would have regretted it for the rest of my life if i didn't tell you how i feel right now. so... for now, thank you just for listening to me. i'm not expecting an answer from you or anything, or even—”
"i like you too."
the words slipped from your lips before you could stop them.
you blinked, watching as heeseung froze and stared, blinking dumbly in return.
"you do?"
you did.
perhaps it had also taken you a week of thinking you'd never be able to see him again to realize it, but you could see it now—
the way your heart skipped a beat when he was near, the way you felt like the only person in the room whenever he smiled so warmly at you, the way his stupid persistence—pushiness, you'd once cursed it out as—had slowly chipped away at every wall you’d built until you were standing here, raw and open and wanting. wanting him. wanting this.
whatever this was.
heeseung stared at you like you’d just told him the sky was green. his mouth opened, closed, opened again. the flush on his cheeks deepened to a shade that matched the candied strawberries you’d shared at the market not all that long ago.
“you… like me?” he repeated, voice barely above a whisper, as if saying it louder might make it disappear.
you nodded, suddenly shy under the weight of his gaze. your fingers tightened around his. “yeah. i do. i think… i have for a while. i just didn’t want to acknowledge it. it felt safer to push you away.”
he gaped at you for a few more seconds, eyes wide and unblinking as he watched you, perhaps waiting for you to say sike! just kidding!
but you didn't.
you hadn't been sure before, but now... yes, you were sure.
you liked lee heeseung. and lee heeseung liked you.
"really?"
you nodded.
he again stared dumbly—then broke out in the stupidest, goofiest, sunniest grin you'd ever seen him wear.
"fuck. holy shit, i'm so happy right now. you don't hate—no, you like me. oh my god. oh my god. i might pass out."
you laughed—not a chuckle, not a little snicker, but a full, belly-deep laugh that had you throwing your head back and slapping your knee.
"god, you're so corny—how do you even...”
you trailed off as you again found him staring.
this time, he seemed dumbstruck.
"do that again."
"huh? do what?"
"laugh. i've never seen you laugh before."
you swatted half-heartedly at him, still thinking he was joking. what was so great about your laugh?
"you really are the corniest guy, you know that?"
but he kept staring, this moonstruck, almost drunk-dazed expression creating haze over his features.
"you're so pretty."
you blushed, ducking your head.
"ugh, be quiet." you muttered, hand coming up to cover the tiny twitch of your mouth before you could start grinning stupidly yourself.
heeseung laughed—quiet, almost reverent. “i mean it. you should do it more. laugh, i mean. the whole world’s missing out.”
you rolled your eyes, but the smile tugging at your lips refused to leave. for a moment, silence settled again, comfortable this time.
then reality crept back in, slow and heavy, like cold air slipping under a door.
you pulled your hand back gently, not because you were uncomfortable with the physical contact (surprising, considering your history with boys), but because there was still one more thing. the reason you’d come back. the looming threat that had sent you running in the first place.
"heeseung? i don't mean to overreach or ask for too much, but... do you think you could help me with the girl? the girl with the photos, who said she'd send them all to everyone if i didn't stay away from you? i... i don't know if i can deal with her on my own."
"hey. that shouldn't even be a question—of course i'll help you. she's just as much my problem as she is yours..." he winced as he took his phone out. "you don't know her name or class, right? actually, i think i've found her instagram already..."
your brows scrunched at that.
"how?"
"well, see for yourself."
he opened his instagram and opened up his dms, and at the very top—a contact with a profile picture of a familiar girl that sent adrenaline-fueled chills down your spine.
even just an image of her triggered your fight or flight response, and you struggled to not look away, to avert your eyes.
"how do you have her...?"
he only clicked on the contact, and the messaging page opened up, the chat history popping to life before you.
you blinked.
countless piles upon piles of one-sided messages from her sat there, and your stomach lurched as he handed you the phone so you could scroll up—to where the messages began exactly one week ago. the day she'd cornered you in the nurses office.
hey, heeseung oppa, it's me minji. i think we've bumped into each other in the halls before! do you remember me?
i was wondering if we could talk sometime? whenever you're free ofc
i just have some important things to tell you
please? i really need to see you.
it's urgent, actually. can i swing by your practice tomorrow?
and on and on it went.
heeseung had never responded, though.
"why did you never respond?"
"oh... well... i wasn't in the best mental shape after... everything."
ah. after what you'd said and done to him.
"sorry again."
"no, no, don't worry. but this is the girl, right?"
you nodded grimly.
"well... if you wanted to confront her today, i'm pretty sure she said she'd be waiting for me on the roof after school."
indeed, as you scrolled down to the bottom of the messages, the most recent one from that morning had asked him to come to the rooftop after school.
you stared at it for a long while, the joy you'd felt while focused purely on heeseung slowly draining and being replaced with cold, sharp dread.
perhaps sensing your fear, he rested a hand on your knee, squeezing once.
"hey. don't be nervous. i'll help you all the way. i'll be right by your side the entire time. we'll find a way to get her to delete the photo. don't worry."
you looked up at heeseung, smiling wearily at the determination lighting up his eyes.
"thank you. truly."
"of course." he squeezed your knee once more before taking his phone back, stowing it away in his pocket as he said, "we should probably plan what to say, right? make a plan of action?"
you took a deep breath, nodding as your nerves settled.
"yeah. let's do this."
omgomg i'm so so sorry this took so freaking long i had all my ap tests creep up on me bruh and then i just took so long deciding which way i wanted the chapter and story in general to go. but im pretty proud of how this one turned out (i think it's the longest chapter in this series), and i hope you enjoyed!
ARCHIVE ──── ✧₊⁺ 🎞️ series, opposites attract golden retriever x black cat high school!au basketballplayer!heeseung loner!reader strangers to lovers wc: 7k cw: mentions of sh, suicide
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you found yourself staring up at the entrance to the school, hands damp with sweat and wrapped around the strap of your bag with the force of a lethal chokehold.
well. this certainly was not stressful as fuck. you definitely weren't shitting your pants where you stood.
the shadow of the building felt more like the shadow of a grim reaper that had come to collect your soul—had you died of a stroke thanks to all the cortisol flooding your systems?
maybe that would be more of a mercy than what was about to happen.
but you took a breath, steeling yourself against the thought of everything that could go wrong—
and took the first step forward.
you'd arrived early for once, in hopes that you'd be able to avoid the crowd and make it to your seat without fuss.
though nobody besides heeseung had noticed your absence, probably.
and that girl, perhaps.
you hadn't even learned her name, you realized with a cringe. probably a dumb move considering everything, but the thought of surfing instagram to find it...?
you'd already been nervous enough thinking about confronting her. the idea of having to see her face prematurely, even through a screen, was daunting.
god. when had you become such a coward? your mom was right. enough was enough. it was time to man up.
you made it to your classroom in one piece, thanking god you didn't run into anyone you knew—namely, heeseung. or the girl.
you sunk into your seat with a sigh, clutching your bag to your chest and squeezing it like it was one of the cloud-soft plushies on your bed.
you were the only one in the room, the teacher nowhere to be seen. it was just you and the ominous tick tock of the clock, the hands counting down the minutes until heeseung would inevitably arrive.
what would you even do when he came? what would you say? how would you act? did he hate you now? would he treat you differently after you'd cut ties with him so coldly?
you sighed again, shaking your head to clear it and turning to look out the window—
heeseung was there.
you jolted, heart stopping as you made eye contact with the boy you'd been so torn up over—had your overwhelming thoughts manifested him?!
truly, luck was not on your side today.
his eyes widened as he spotted you through the window three stories up, and he seemed frozen for a moment, glued to the ground mid-step—
your body moved before you could think. before you could stop it, your hand came up to give him the tiniest of waves—
it seemed heeseung's body began moving on its own as well, as he broke out into a surging sprint that shot him out of your line of sight and into the building.
well fuck.
you wanted to curl up into a ball, or perhaps lock the door to your classroom as you sat frozen in your chair.
heeseung was on his way. and he'd be here any second now with how fast he was running.
oh, you weren't ready for this. you weren't ready to see him. you thought you'd have time, that you'd be able to deliberate over what to say, how to say it, that you would tell him everything after school. that you'd be able to compose yourself and steel your mind—
bam!
the door slammed open, and heeseung stumbled in, panting and hunched over and wearing this expression that you just couldn't describe as he lurched forward—
huh?
and suddenly he was in front of you, kneeling before your seat as he wrapped his arms around you and buried his face in the crook of your neck.
"i missed you," he mumbled, chest still heaving from his dash into the building and up the multiple flights of stairs. "i missed you so much."
his unexpected show of affection—or perhaps it was the fact that he did not blame you, did not treat you coldly like you expected—caught you off guard, threw you off balance.
maybe that was what allowed those damn words to slip through.
"i missed you too," you whispered, a hand coming to rest on his back awkwardly.
he seemed to breathe a sigh of relief—or perhaps it was just a forceful exhale as he continued to gulp down air—as he melted into you a little.
"but... aren't you mad at me? for what i said?"
he pulled away to look you in the eyes, head cocking.
"huh? of course not. sad, sure, but not angry. i was more angry at myself for not taking your feelings into consideration... if anything, you should be angry at me—”
you shook your head, jaw clenching. "no, no, i didn't mean it. any of it. everything i said was untrue. i... i was..." you stumbled over your words, hesitating. what should you say?
"it's okay. take your time." heeseung patted your clenched hands reassuringly, a kind smile brightening his face.
you exhaled, massaging your temples. where should you even start?
"i... i was... someone..." you cleared your throat, inhaling deeply in a futile attempt to calm yourself down. "um... there's a lot i have to explain, but before i say anything else, i should probably tell you some things about myself..."
you fidgeted with the hem of your uniform's skirt, throat tightening as he nodded, listening intently.
"i—”
the door slammed open, and in poured a group of your classmates, chattering and laughing and shouting—
you tried to jerk away from heeseung, tried to push him away, the action more instinct than intention, but heeseung kept his feet firmly planted even as your hands unconsciously shoved at his shoulders.
"hey. do you wanna get out of here?" he stood and shifted so he was the only thing in your line of sight, his broad shoulders creating a private room just for you two.
you blinked.
"i mean, i know you missed school for a week so maybe skipping another day isn't possible, but it seems like you'd be more comfortable talking somewhere else—”
"yes."
you stood instantly, making him jolt back in surprise—but it only lasted a heartbeat before he smiled gently, extending a hand towards you.
"alright. let's go."
you took it.
you could feel curious gazes following you as you followed heeseung out of the room, hand in hand, door shutting with a sharp clack behind you.
but honestly? you didn't care as much as you thought you would.
you could only focus on the feel of heeseung's hand wrapped around yours—you had no idea it was so big. or callused. or warm.
you didn't even realize you'd exited the building until a burst of sunlight hit your face, blinding you.
you looked back down to where heeseung continued to lead you past the school gates, ignoring the inquisitive stares of the small stream of students going the other way.
"where should we go?" he asked as you finally made it out, stepping past the gates, outside the boundaries of the school property.
you were free.
you thought for a moment, staring at where your hands were joined—perhaps he thought you didn't like it, (did you?) ripping his hand away, face flushing as he realized what, exactly, he'd been doing. "sorry! i don't think before i act sometimes, and i get carried away easily—"
"no, no, don't worry. i..." you hesitated. "i didn't hate it."
"thank goodness." he seemed to deflate, all the tension he'd gone stiff with melting away. "now, where would you be most comfortable talking?"
"hm..." again pondering the question, you crossed your arms over your chest. somewhere secluded would be best. somewhere you were comfortable. somewhere you didn't have to worry about being overheard. somewhere you could be alone.
"... would my place work?" you remembered the first time he'd come over—that time, he'd been the one to suggest going to your place—now, amazingly, you'd willingly volunteered up your apartment. "only if you're comfortable, of course."
"no, no, i should be the one saying that. are you sure?"
you nodded. your mom was gone, smacking you with a stern warning to go to school (and confront your problems) in the morning, before begrudgingly leaving for work. there was no one that would interrupt you.
"okay, then. let's go."
when heeseung stepped into your apartment this time, it didn't feel quite so awkward. some traces of bumbling nervousness remained as he toed his shoes off, hanging his bag on the rack by the door as you invited him up into the main living space, but otherwise he seemed composed. his eyes didn't roam and he wasn't shocked by anything he saw as he came up. he didn't feel quite so out of place.
everything was familiar. the wallpaper remained old and dinged up. the couch still sagged. the lights continued to flicker once in a while. the fridge still hummed too loud.
nothing had changed. that is, nothing except you two.
you'd changed—in the span of the few weeks you'd known each other, you'd changed. your relationship, the air between you two—had changed.
and now, after all this—
it would change again. for better or for worse, that was still to be determined.
you gestured for him to take a seat on the sagging couch, and he did so gingerly, perhaps scared it would collapse under him. but though old it was sturdy, and stood strong under his weight as you got refreshments to fight the summer heat. the early-morning chill which had kept you from sweating underneath your long-sleeved uniform slowly turned into the usual stifling heat of the midday, and you again had to remind yourself not to roll your sleeves up.
not yet, at least.
you handed heeseung his cup of iced tea, taking a long swig from your own as you joined him on the couch.
"why are you nervous? i'm the one who should be nervous right now," you said as you noticed his bouncing leg. "don't tell me it's about coming over when no one else is home. we've done it before, remember?"
"no! it's just... it's been a stressful week, you know."
"... because of me?"
he looked like he wanted to say no—but you knew from his poorly-concealed wince that it was.
you sighed, setting your glass down on the coffee table.
"i... i need to apologize for everything. i've been a terrible—" you stumbled a bit on the word. "—friend. i'm sorry for saying everything that i said that day. none of it was true. i'm sorry for ghosting you. i'm sorry for making you worry. for giving you a hard time. for not speaking to you and communicating when i should have."
he turned to face you, watching you silently as you chewed on your bottom lip, giving you the silence and space you needed to think, to come up with the words you wanted to say, to get everything out without having to worry about a response. he simply listened, digesting your words and sitting with a calmness, a stillness that didn't match the impression you had of him in your head.
"i want to... no, i need to tell you some things. if you really want to be friends, if you want to see who i really am, if you want to know why i did what i did and said what i said, there are some things that you have to know about me. about my past."
you took a breath as you thought, clasping your hands together and leaning forward onto your knees as you continued.
"i... don't know if i'm going to tell you too much, or if you even want to hear about any of this—"
"i do." his voice was unlike anything you'd heard before. "i want to know more about you."
you nodded, unable to look up at him. you took another breath. it trembled—and yet you went on.
"in middle school, i was friends with this girl. we were best friends at the time. we did everything together. i trusted her with everything, and she did the same with me. i thought... i thought we'd be together forever, you know? it was that kind of friendship."
it hurt as you recalled her face, her laugh, the way she glowed when she smiled. all things you'd buried so far away, so deep after everything that happened, that dragging them out now caused you physical pain. your heart hurt as you remembered her smiling face.
"she liked this boy." you had to pause, blinking as your throat suddenly constricted and your hands squeezed tighter around each other. how long ago had it been since you allowed yourself to really remember, to truly think about and process everything that had happened? everything you went through? "like, really liked him. she'd always talk to me about him; get all giddy anytime they interacted. she'd talk to everybody about him, actually—the whole class knew about her thing for him. and i was rooting for them, you know? i told her as much every time. and he did seem interested in her for a little, and they even became friends, but then... everything went downhill."
you didn't even realize your leg was bouncing hard enough to rattle the coffee table until heeseung gently laid a hand on your knee, squeezing once. you didn't look up from where you were staring smoldering holes into the coffee table, but you sighed, nodding gratefully.
"he confessed to me. in front of the entire class. he told her that he wasn't interested in her, that he'd only gotten closer to her to get closer to me. and, well... she didn't take it very well. needless to say, she cut our friendship off immediately. and i get it—she was embarresed, she was sad, she was angry. but then she began accusing me of... of backstabbing her, going behind her back to steal him, and even—" your throat closed up as the striking parallels to your present situation made themsleves laughably visible. "even sleeping with him to get him to like me, just to humiliate her."
you laughed humorlessly as you felt heeseung tense next to you.
"we were in middle school. his dick probably wasn't even fully formed at that point. but it didn't matter. she told everyone who'd listen her sob story, got their pity. and i... no one believed me when i said i didn't. that i didn't even like him. everyone thought i was a lying, backstabbing, easy, slutty bitch who'd slept with her best friend's 'boyfriend'—mind you, they weren't even dating. he didn't even like her. but stories and rumors tend to get blown out of proportion when they circulate, and soon the whole school knew about me. the one who slept with her best friend's 'boyfriend.'"
his hand tightened on your knee, but still he remained silent. he let you take your time as you closed your eyes, your hands coming up to cup your mouth and nose as you inhaled slowly.
memories of those times—the glares in the hallways, the name-calling, the bullying, and everything else, came crashing back, and you had to remind yourself that you were past that now. that it had been years and years, and you weren't there anymore. you were okay. you were okay. you were okay.
you were going to be okay.
"i... after all my other friends ditched me, i became the perfect target for bullies. i was alone. vulnerable. there was no one who'd stick up for me. and i was a 'bad person'—of course nobody would feel bad for me. so... people began bullying me. it started out small—name-calling, mean notes, teasing. but it got worse, so much worse, when they realized they could get away with it. when they realized i wouldn't tell anyone."
you opened your eyes, filled with so much pain that heeseung's heart broke.
"they'd shove me into lockers. drag me into the bathroom and dunk my head into the toilets. pour spoiled milk on me. throw away my food. shove me around. hit me, even. kick me. i did tae-kwon do at the time, so bruises weren't uncommon. no one questioned a few more." you laughed again. "funny, right? i did martial arts—i even won medals—and yet i couldn't even defend myself against them. i was too scared. i thought they'd come after me even more, do worse things, if i fought back. so i let them do whatever they wanted. it got... it got really bad. my mom was—and still is—never home beacuse of work. school was a nightmare. i couldn't get away from them, couldn't hide. they'd make every minute of school hell. and even after school ended, they'd sometimes keep me with them. there was this abandoned building near school that no one ever went by. they'd take me there. make me do all these humiliating things as they recorded. sometimes the guys would even—"
you paused, growing nauseous at the memories.
"sometimes they'd make me take off... my clothes. not all the way, but..." you paused as you felt heeseung's hand tighten around your knee to an almost painful extent. you finally mustered the courage to look up, to look at heeseung's face—
it was blank. almost terrifyingly so. but his eyes, the way the hand on your knee was shaking—
you looked away quickly, before you could psyche yourself out, before you could truly process the extent of everything you were telling him. that you were offering up the deepest, darkest, dirtiest parts of yourself, that you were offering up everything, that you were offering up yourself to him. up to his judgement. to this boy you'd barely known for a few months.
"sometimes they touched me. sometimes they hit me. they recorded everything, of course. they threatened to send it all to their class groupchats if i said anything. so i stayed quiet. and it just kept going on and on, and i didn't know when it would stop. if it would ever stop. my mental state got really bad. i... i did a lot of things i'm not proud of."
you sat up, taking a deep breath as you stared down at your sleeves. and then slowly, slowly rolled them up.
and then there they were.
thin, silvery-pale stripes that criss-crossed your forearms from your wrists to your elbows. your scars. your physical reminders of everything you hated that would never, ever leave you.
this was the first time you'd voluntarily showed them to anyone besides your mother.
heeseung's heart dropped into his ass as he stared at them.
"i... for a long time, i really wanted to die. i thought about it all the time. but in the end, i was too scared to do that, too. so this was what i did to cope. this was the only thing that made me feel like i had even a little bit of control in my life. at least this pain i could predict. i could control." you shook your head. "god, i was so stupid. i stopped after my mom found out. she made me tell her everything. it was only a few more weeks until middle school ended, so even though she wanted to pull me out immedietely i stuck it out until the end. then we moved here."
your leg began bouncing again.
"i started going to high school, and i was so, so wary. i didn't want to make friends again, didn't want to draw any attention for the rest of my time here. i didn't make any friends the first two years. didn't make any enemies, either. i just... minded my own business. i was thankful. happy, even. being alone peacefully was infinitely better than risking going through middle school again. and then, well. you came along."
finally, finally you mustered up the courage to look up at heeseung again. this time, his anger was palpable. his sadness, too. but he didn't interrupt. simply kept listening intently, allowing you to continue.
"i... i really mistrusted you at first. i wanted nothing to do with you. i thought that surely your kindness had to be a ploy of some kind. that you had some ulterior motive to being so goddamn nice. that you showing me warmth and decency that i hadn't seen in years had to be some attempt to humiliate me, or sleep with me, or get something out of me. i guess i was stupider—or lonelier—than i thought, because somehow you actually got through to me. all your stupid attempts at friendship actually worked. and for a few weeks, i was actually happy..."
he hid all hints of the hot, coursing anger that pumped through his veins; the crashing, painful sadness, from his face as he smiled down at you—but it quickly faded as you continued.
"but... something happened recently—the same day i said all those awful things to you. do you remember that time we went to that street market for our project? when we missed the last bus and we had to stay in that motel?"
oh he remembered all right. he nodded as the memory of the way your heat had seeped through his clothes as he'd awoken with your limbs twined around him flashed through his brain.
"this girl...i dont know who she is, but she had a picture of us standing in front of the motel the morning after. she got it from a friend who recognized you, apprently. obviously it looks pretty bad without any context, you know? and i guess she must like you and wanted me out of the picture, but she... she told me that if i didn't cut ties with you she'd send the picture to everyone."
you sighed.
"that scared the shit out of me. i thought it would be middle school all over again. so i immediately did everything she told me to. i asked to be changed classes, or even just seats, but after that didn't happen i panicked. i said all that shit to you, and then just stopped showing up to school. i didn't even want the possibility of her seeing us together, of her assuming anything—and i hurt you because of it. because of my cowardice. i'm sorry."
he didn't reply, only stared blankly at you as you watched him, worried.
"i'm sorry about dumping all of this on you all of the sudden. i know it was a lot. if you see me differently, or don't want to be friends anymore—"
"can i give you a hug?"
huh?
you nodded dumbly, not sure how to react—
then his arms were around you.
and you were surrounded by nothing but him, and everything felt far away. all your problems seemed to be muted, blocked out, warded away by a barrier of heeseung.
you felt so safe. so warm. so... loved.
and maybe remembering and sharing your past had left you off-balance, had left you vulnerable and tender in all the wrong (or right) places, or perhaps you finally felt safe and protected enough to do so, but—
you began crying.
tears sprung up in your eyes suddenly as you buried your face in his chest and his chin came to rest on the top of your skull, one hand cradling the back of your head, the other wrapped tightly around your midsection. your shoulders shook, at first lightly and then in jolting tremors as your sobs began to wrack your body, breaths sawing in and out of your violently heaving chest as you, for the first time since middle school, cried.
"let it all out. you don't have to hold back." heeseung murmered as you gasped and sobbed, the almost five years of accumulated agony and loneliness and fear finally catching up to you, crashing over you, overwhelming as you finally let yourself feel everything in its entirety.
you stayed like that for god knows how long, you crying and trembling and him rubbing your back soothingly, never letting go.
when you finally stilled, tears running dry, he still didn't let go. but he started speaking, the vibrations of his voice rumbling against your face as you stayed pressed up against him.
"first of all, before anything else—i'm so, so glad you're still here. that you didn't give up. even if it was hard. even if it was painful. even if it was scary. you did a great job." his voice was steady, but you could feel the way his hands tightened in your hair and around your shoulder as the words left him. "i'm so sorry you had to go through what you did. no one deserves to be treated that way. if i could beat all those fuckers into the ground right now, i would." a pause. "second. you are incredibly, incredibly brave, and i respect you so much for finding the courage to tell me all of this. trusting me to hear everything, even though it must've been scary, must've been hard. i... feel like i understand you so much better now. i feel like i can finally see you for who you are, without all the walls."
you only nodded against him, throat still tight and throbbing.
"...thank you for listening.
“of course.”
a soothing silence fell between you two, and the rhythmic motion of his hand running through your hair lulled you into a tranquil null.
“...would you like to hear some things about me in return?”
“you don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to.”
“i want to. after everything you trusted me with, i want you to know me too. the real me.”
you nodded again, finally pulling back so you could look him in the face. neither of you balked, even as you both processed what you'd just been doing. what it did or didn't mean.
"my story starts in middle school, too. i was pretty different from how i am now—i didn't have many friends, and i wasn't very loud, either. i was awkward and stuck to myself a lot, just trying to stay out of the way. i know, crazy right? you wouldn't expect it looking at me now." he chuckles, yet the sound is more self-deprecating than amused. "i was a lot like you are right now. i tried my best to blend into the background, to not draw any attention to myself. i thought... i thought i was fine being alone. and i was—for a long time, i was. but... i was lonely. my parents were—are never home, a lot like your mom. my older brother was already in college at that time. and one day, i honestly just got... sick of it. being alone."
he leaned back against the couch, sighing as he allowed his head to rest against the wall.
"needless to say, me being my gangly, awkward, nervous, introverted, lame self made making friends hard. even though i tried my best, no one liked the person i was back then. the harder i tried the more i was teased, made fun of—nothing even close to what you went through, but it still hurt, you know?" it was your turn to rest your hand on his knee as it began bouncing. he glanced over at you, smiling gratefully. "so i changed. i practiced speaking in the mirror until i became confident enough not to stumble over my words. i practiced smiling until it looked perfect and became second nature. i watched videos and listened to podcasts on how to pick up social cues. i started keeping track of trends. i'd always messed around with basketball with my brother, but it was then i decided to get serious and join the school team. i worked my butt off to get better, until i was the best one on the team—and that naturally drew people to me. and i finally got a damn haircut—which is what made the biggest difference, in my opinion." he laughed this time, yet his eyes betrayed his sadness.
"by the end of middle school i became the person you see today—social, outgoing, good at speaking. and i'm happy with the friends i made, really. i love them all. but honestly? sometimes, it feels like i'm lying to them. like i'm lying to everyone. they don't know that the confident, fun person they see, the person they've come to love, still gets exhausted from big crowds. still has to think over his words before he says them. double-checks his jokes to make sure they make sense. still gets nervous when he talks to people, even if he doesn't show it."
you watched silently as he turned again to you, looking right at you with those big, soft, earnest eyes that had something in your heart breaking.
"i know you must still be confused, even now, as to why i latched on to you out of the blue in the beginning. why i was so eager to be friends with you. why i went to such lengths to bother you, to get closer to you. and if you want an honest answer as to why, it's that i saw my old self in you. and i felt that... maybe you'd be able to see me for who i really am—without judging. without being disappointed. without leaving me. i thought that maybe you'd be able to like me for who i am underneath the basketball player, the star student, the life of the party, the smooth talker—like me just for me."
you stared at him, watched as he averted his eyes, a flush blooming across his cheeks and spreading to the tips of his ears.
"oh, heeseung. i'm... i'm sorry i never noticed you were struggling like that. i—i've just been so wrapped up in my own problems, my own head—i never really paid much attention to you. i'm sorry—”
"no! don't be sorry. what are you even apologizing for?" he cut you off quickly, voice panicked as he shook his head furiously. "i was just trying to make sure you understood i didn't approach you with any bad intentions, since i know i must've come off really strong in the beginning, which i'm again really sorry for—”
"no, i'm sorry for not being good at—”
"no, i'm sorry for—”
"no, i'm sorry for—”
you both tried to apologize over each other, voices rising until you were sure the neighbors would hear you, finally peaking before you both stopped to catch your breath, silently calling a truce before either of you could die from asphyxiation.
before heeseung could open his mouth, you spoke up first.
"okay. before you say anything else, let me say a few things. first, your friends right now—jay, jake, sunoo, that group—they all seem like really nice, caring people. i'm sure even if you didn't perform for them like you do everyone else, they'd still love you just the same—so don't be scared to let loose around them, you know?"
pfft. rich coming from someone like you.
he nodded, watching as you put two fingers up. "second..." you hesitated. "you don't have to perform for me, either. i... won't judge. in fact, i might like you even more if you seemed more human. more relatable."
he nodded, eyes softening and mouth stretching into a relieved smile.
"thank you. that means a lot to me."
"of course."
you paused. the air between you felt thicker now, charged with everything you’d just laid bare—and yet lighter all at the same time. you'd cleared the air, gotten to tell him everything, and he'd done so in return—
you blinked.
but had you? had you really?
there was, aside from what to do about the girl with the picture, one more thing that needed to be addressed.
but... what if it ruined what you already had?
your heart hammered against your ribs like it was trying to claw its way out. you’d already handed him your scars, your worst memories, the ugly broken pieces you’d hidden from the world. what was one more risk, you reasoned?
"um... heeseung?"
"yeah?" he turned toward you fully, those warm brown eyes soft and attentive, still a little red from the emotion of the last hour.
you took a deep breath, coming to terms with potentially making a fool of yourself. with potentially making things awkward.
"i'm sorry if this is too direct or if i'm completely wrong, but... do you... like me? as more than just friends?"
heeseung’s eyes widened, lips parting in surprise. for a second he looked almost frozen, like the question had short-circuited his brain. then color flooded his face—ears, neck, all the way to the tips of his cheeks in a deep, hot pink. he opened his mouth, closed it, and suddenly looked anywhere but at you, one hand coming up to rub the back of his neck.
“i—” his voice cracked. he cleared his throat and tried again, quieter. “yeah. i do.”
your heart stopped.
he curled into himself and hid his face in his knees as the words settled in the air between you.
aw. he was surprisingly cute. it seemed he was putting that 'you don't have to perform around me' advice to use far faster than you anticipated.
you found yourself unconsciously embarrassed as well as he peered up at you, eyebrows scrunched.
"i... before all this, i thought i was fine with just being friends. i continuously tried to deny my feelings, tried to cut them off before they could get any larger... but ignoring them only made them grow bigger and bigger underneath all my excuses, and eventually, everything reached a tipping point." he straightened, slowly growing less abashed as the words continued to flow. "this mess... being away from you for a whole week, all the while thinking i might never see you again... it made me realize that i don't want to keep pretending these feelings don't exist." he locked eyes with you, and you froze—you couldn't look away even if you tried. "that i don't want to keep pretending i don't want you to be mine."
wow.
the world slowed.
your heart skipped a beat—then did five cartwheels, three backflips, and a headfirst-dive into your lungs for good measure as he took your hand, squeezing gently.
"i know this is terrible timing. i know it's sudden. and i'm really sorry—but i want to make it clear right now that i like you as more than a friend. being around you makes me happy in a way no one else can make me. being around you makes the sky bluer, the sun warmer, the air sweeter, the grass greener—being around you makes my life beautiful in a way i thought only happened in dramas. words can't express how grateful i am that i met you, and now that i've experienced losing you once, i never want to let it happen again. but..." he hesitated. "i know maybe you don't feel the same way—but i think i would have regretted it for the rest of my life if i didn't tell you how i feel right now. so... for now, thank you just for listening to me. i'm not expecting an answer from you or anything, or even—”
"i like you too."
the words slipped from your lips before you could stop them.
you blinked, watching as heeseung froze and stared, blinking dumbly in return.
"you do?"
you did.
perhaps it had also taken you a week of thinking you'd never be able to see him again to realize it, but you could see it now—
the way your heart skipped a beat when he was near, the way you felt like the only person in the room whenever he smiled so warmly at you, the way his stupid persistence—pushiness, you'd once cursed it out as—had slowly chipped away at every wall you’d built until you were standing here, raw and open and wanting. wanting him. wanting this.
whatever this was.
heeseung stared at you like you’d just told him the sky was green. his mouth opened, closed, opened again. the flush on his cheeks deepened to a shade that matched the candied strawberries you’d shared at the market not all that long ago.
“you… like me?” he repeated, voice barely above a whisper, as if saying it louder might make it disappear.
you nodded, suddenly shy under the weight of his gaze. your fingers tightened around his. “yeah. i do. i think… i have for a while. i just didn’t want to acknowledge it. it felt safer to push you away.”
he gaped at you for a few more seconds, eyes wide and unblinking as he watched you, perhaps waiting for you to say sike! just kidding!
but you didn't.
you hadn't been sure before, but now... yes, you were sure.
you liked lee heeseung. and lee heeseung liked you.
"really?"
you nodded.
he again stared dumbly—then broke out in the stupidest, goofiest, sunniest grin you'd ever seen him wear.
"fuck. holy shit, i'm so happy right now. you don't hate—no, you like me. oh my god. oh my god. i might pass out."
you laughed—not a chuckle, not a little snicker, but a full, belly-deep laugh that had you throwing your head back and slapping your knee.
"god, you're so corny—how do you even...”
you trailed off as you again found him staring.
this time, he seemed dumbstruck.
"do that again."
"huh? do what?"
"laugh. i've never seen you laugh before."
you swatted half-heartedly at him, still thinking he was joking. what was so great about your laugh?
"you really are the corniest guy, you know that?"
but he kept staring, this moonstruck, almost drunk-dazed expression creating haze over his features.
"you're so pretty."
you blushed, ducking your head.
"ugh, be quiet." you muttered, hand coming up to cover the tiny twitch of your mouth before you could start grinning stupidly yourself.
heeseung laughed—quiet, almost reverent. “i mean it. you should do it more. laugh, i mean. the whole world’s missing out.”
you rolled your eyes, but the smile tugging at your lips refused to leave. for a moment, silence settled again, comfortable this time.
then reality crept back in, slow and heavy, like cold air slipping under a door.
you pulled your hand back gently, not because you were uncomfortable with the physical contact (surprising, considering your history with boys), but because there was still one more thing. the reason you’d come back. the looming threat that had sent you running in the first place.
"heeseung? i don't mean to overreach or ask for too much, but... do you think you could help me with the girl? the girl with the photos, who said she'd send them all to everyone if i didn't stay away from you? i... i don't know if i can deal with her on my own."
"hey. that shouldn't even be a question—of course i'll help you. she's just as much my problem as she is yours..." he winced as he took his phone out. "you don't know her name or class, right? actually, i think i've found her instagram already..."
your brows scrunched at that.
"how?"
"well, see for yourself."
he opened his instagram and opened up his dms, and at the very top—a contact with a profile picture of a familiar girl that sent adrenaline-fueled chills down your spine.
even just an image of her triggered your fight or flight response, and you struggled to not look away, to avert your eyes.
"how do you have her...?"
he only clicked on the contact, and the messaging page opened up, the chat history popping to life before you.
you blinked.
countless piles upon piles of one-sided messages from her sat there, and your stomach lurched as he handed you the phone so you could scroll up—to where the messages began exactly one week ago. the day she'd cornered you in the nurses office.
hey, heeseung oppa, it's me minji. i think we've bumped into each other in the halls before! do you remember me?
i was wondering if we could talk sometime? whenever you're free ofc
i just have some important things to tell you
please? i really need to see you.
it's urgent, actually. can i swing by your practice tomorrow?
and on and on it went.
heeseung had never responded, though.
"why did you never respond?"
"oh... well... i wasn't in the best mental shape after... everything."
ah. after what you'd said and done to him.
"sorry again."
"no, no, don't worry. but this is the girl, right?"
you nodded grimly.
"well... if you wanted to confront her today, i'm pretty sure she said she'd be waiting for me on the roof after school."
indeed, as you scrolled down to the bottom of the messages, the most recent one from that morning had asked him to come to the rooftop after school.
you stared at it for a long while, the joy you'd felt while focused purely on heeseung slowly draining and being replaced with cold, sharp dread.
perhaps sensing your fear, he rested a hand on your knee, squeezing once.
"hey. don't be nervous. i'll help you all the way. i'll be right by your side the entire time. we'll find a way to get her to delete the photo. don't worry."
you looked up at heeseung, smiling wearily at the determination lighting up his eyes.
"thank you. truly."
"of course." he squeezed your knee once more before taking his phone back, stowing it away in his pocket as he said, "we should probably plan what to say, right? make a plan of action?"
you took a deep breath, nodding as your nerves settled.
"yeah. let's do this."
omgomg i'm so so sorry this took so freaking long i had all my ap tests creep up on me bruh and then i just took so long deciding which way i wanted the chapter and story in general to go. but im pretty proud of how this one turned out (i think it's the longest chapter in this series), and i hope you enjoyed!
also this is very much not proofread at all so if you find any spelling or grammar mistakes or weird ahh types pls lmk im so sorry i'm finishing this up at 1 am 😭✌️
IN WHICH kakashi hadn’t been expecting to lose everyone. his whole team—obito, then rin, then his sensei. it seemed like everyone he loved was slipping through his fingers one after the other—except for you. only you were left now—and so he clung to you like a man lost at sea would cling to a piece of driftwood.
ARCHIVE ──── ✧₊⁺ 🈁 oneshot kakashi x fem!reader angst hurt/comfort fluff team 7
it was after the fourth hokage’s funeral that kakashi found you.
you’d been standing silently with your chin dipped and eyes closed as the village—for indeed, it seemed as if the entirety of konoha had come—took a moment of silence for the hokage, his wife, and the many others that had lost their lives in the nine tails attack.
some wept. some glared at the ground. some stared blankly at the sky. yet all grieved for the lost, most of all for their beloved hokage and his wife. a beautiful young couple lost too early.
yet none grieved more than kakashi. even though he did not weep or glare, his heart broke more loudly than any other.
minato had been a second father to him, and kushina a mother. there was no bottom to the well of grief that he’d been dropped into. that he’d slowly been slipping into as more and more of his heart cracked and splintered off, until only one shard was left—you.
you’d been there for him after every loss. at every funeral. at night, you’d hold him in your arms, rocking him gently without a word—you did not offer comforting words or promises that everything would be alright. because that was something you couldn’t guarantee. but you were there. and for him, that was enough. a reminder that there was someone left out there who still cared for him, who’d hold and love him. that was enough.
and now, once again, he found himself in your arms.
the rain hadn’t let up the whole day, continuing into the night—yet the pitter-patter faded into the background as you shut the curtains, joining kakashi on your bed.
you said nothing as he laid down, resting his head on your lap—his eyes remained half-lidded, staring at nothing as you wove your fingers through his silver locks, massaging his scalp gently.
silence once again flooded the room, the only sound the distant drumming of rain against the windows and roof, the faint sound of breathing, and the groan of the mattress as you shifted your weight.
kakashi sat up suddenly, taking your hands in his as he twisted to face you. “y/n.” his voice was raspy from disuse, and his eyes were bright with pain. “you won’t leave me, too, right? promise you won’t leave me.”
you only shook your head, throat clogging at the desperation dripping from his very being. “you know i can’t. i’m a shinobi. in this field, we never know when we’ll die.”
“then—then retire. quit being a shinobi. i’ll pay for everything; i’ll make sure you ‘re happy and comfortable. so just…please…” he trailed off as you, again, shook your head.
“i’m sorry, kakashi, but i can’t just run away when there’s danger, you know? i’m a proud shinobi of the leaf, i can’t just quit. i—we—both have an obligation to this village. it’s our home. if we don’t protect it, who will?”
“there will always be someone else to take your spot. always. we have so many up-and-coming genin, so many—we can afford to lose one shinobi—” you silenced him with a finger to his masked lips.
“i am a jonin, kakashi. we form the backbone of konoha’s fighting force. even the loss of one is devastating. you understand this, too. do not let your emotions cloud your judgement.” it was what you both had been told your entire lives. the same rule that every shinobi in all the lands abided by. or tried to, at least.
he wilted before your eyes, seemingly shrinking as he lowered himself again, surrendering himself to your soothing ministrations.
there was a pregnant pause before he spoke again. “then…promise me you’ll stay alive as long as you can.”
“mm. i promise.”
“good.” he nuzzled his face into your lap, inhaling deeply “good.”
he exhaled. “if we both survive long enough…i swear i’ll marry you. is that ok with you?”
you laughed. “yes, kakashi. that’s ok with me.”
“kakashi-sensei! you’re late!”
three genin stood in front of the silver-haired jonin, one with his arms crossed and off to the side, the other two with accusatory fingers and glares pointed in the direction of their teacher.
“aha, sorry! on my way here, a black cat crossed my road, you see…”
“liar! you probably overslept or something!” the loudest and most obnoxious one stepped forward, voice resonating through the air as his blond haired swayed in the wind.
“now, now…” kakashi put his hands up in front of his in an appeasing manner. “let’s calm down…”
“nah, i bet kakashi-sensei was enjoying a nice, hot breakfast made by his wife this morning while we had to wait out in the cold since dawn! isn’t that right, sensei?!” the pinkette on the blond’s right exclaimed, emerald eyes burning with anger at her sensei.
“a-ahaha…wait, how did you know i have a wife?”
“the ring on your finger, duh!” she exclaimed, gesturing towards it—and yet it was seemingly the first time either of her teammates had noticed it, both the uzumaki and uchiha’s eyes going wide as saucers at the band of silver.
“wait wait wait, kakashi-sensei has a what now?!?”
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