ִ ࣪ ˖ ࣪ 𝐖𝐄𝐋𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐄 ! ᰔ ִ ׄ
꒰ 𝐀𝐁𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐌𝐄 + 𝐍𝐀𝐕𝐈𝐆𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍 ꒱
eighteen. she/her. sunoo & heeseung biased. infp. delulu is my solulu. full-time dissociator, part-time writer. bring back yearning pls
MASTERLIST. rules. reqs. wips taglists.
TVSTRANGERTHINGS

❣ Chile in a Photography ❣
2025 on Tumblr: Trends That Defined the Year

Origami Around

pixel skylines
Xuebing Du

if i look back, i am lost
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open
RMH
KIROKAZE
Monterey Bay Aquarium
Three Goblin Art

oozey mess
trying on a metaphor
NASA
occasionally subtle

titsay
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
AnasAbdin

#extradirty
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@dr1diot
ִ ࣪ ˖ ࣪ 𝐖𝐄𝐋𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐄 ! ᰔ ִ ׄ
꒰ 𝐀𝐁𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐌𝐄 + 𝐍𝐀𝐕𝐈𝐆𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍 ꒱
eighteen. she/her. sunoo & heeseung biased. infp. delulu is my solulu. full-time dissociator, part-time writer. bring back yearning pls
MASTERLIST. rules. reqs. wips taglists.
guys can someone pls write a fanfic where heeseung comes back to enhypen pls ill do anything
or like one where he still interacts with the group behind the scenes... or smth... pls
or like give recs if u find any like that pls 🙏🙏
or maybe i should just man up and do it myself sighhh but srsly i still dek what to think abt this situation
heeseung pls come back and do ur solo stuff while being in enhypen pls i don't think i can survive this any longer 😭😭
oh ok i fixed it ig changing ur username makes all ur links invalid sigh
i changed my username back :(( does anyone have a solutionnnn i wanna change my username but all my links become invalid sighhh (ಡ‸ಡ)
is anyone else's tumblr bugging i cant access any of my links im scurred
hi!! I’m not too sure if this is just me but it’s not letting me access ur masterlist or any links u put up in ur posts!! It always takes me to an error page :(
omg i noticed that too yesterday i thought it was just me 😭😭 sorry lemme try to fix it rn!
guys you'd recognize me even if i changed my theme and username right 🥹🥹
guys what if i made my theme yellow
CASUALLY. | MASTERLIST
𖤣.𖥧.𖡼.⚘ ── love triangle. angst & some humor. smau.
⌞ lee heeseung x female reader x park sunghoon ⌝
synopsis ᛝ time and time again, heeseung has used you as an outlet to complain about the thousands of times women have done him dirty. but at this point in time, you’re fed up of hearing the same story over and over again. and somehow… you being friends with sunghoon is something he also problem has a problem with?
contents & warnings will be listed in each part
STATUS: ongoing !!! [ 04/21/2026 - tbd ]
CHAPTERS
01) part one: different girl
02) part two: i am nothing like him
03) part three: not your problem
04) part four: can’t stop thinking about it
05) part five: everyone is confusing me
06) part six: nothing
07) part seven: not my name
08) part eight: you are my problem
09) part nine: all the little unimportant details
10) part ten: like a civil conversation
11) part eleven: he’s a good guy
12) part twelve: how my heart bleeds ➛ (written)
13) part thirteen: out of pure goodwill
14) part fourteen: muscle memory
15) part fifteen: she’s not the one hurting me
16) part sixteen: the other one
17) part seventeen: tongue-tied
18) …loading…
19) …loading…
and more parts to come !!!
notes; i think this might become my longest smau and i wanted to give the parts titles too… so i decided to make a masterlist to make things a bit easier and to stay organized !
[solonenova library ❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:・]
blue divider by @strangergraphics !!!
© solonenova. all rights reserved.
OPPOSITES ATTRACT 011
IN WHICH lee heeseung learns what true joy is.
ARCHIVE ──── ✧₊⁺ 🎞️ series, opposites attract golden retriever x black cat high school!au basketballplayer!heeseung loner!reader strangers to lovers wc: 7k cw: mentions of sh, suicide
previous | s.m.list | next
you found yourself staring up at the entrance to the school, hands damp with sweat and wrapped around the strap of your bag with the force of a lethal chokehold.
well. this certainly was not stressful as fuck. you definitely weren't shitting your pants where you stood.
the shadow of the building felt more like the shadow of a grim reaper that had come to collect your soul—had you died of a stroke thanks to all the cortisol flooding your systems?
maybe that would be more of a mercy than what was about to happen.
but you took a breath, steeling yourself against the thought of everything that could go wrong—
and took the first step forward.
you'd arrived early for once, in hopes that you'd be able to avoid the crowd and make it to your seat without fuss.
though nobody besides heeseung had noticed your absence, probably.
and that girl, perhaps.
you hadn't even learned her name, you realized with a cringe. probably a dumb move considering everything, but the thought of surfing instagram to find it...?
you'd already been nervous enough thinking about confronting her. the idea of having to see her face prematurely, even through a screen, was daunting.
god. when had you become such a coward? your mom was right. enough was enough. it was time to man up.
you made it to your classroom in one piece, thanking god you didn't run into anyone you knew—namely, heeseung. or the girl.
you sunk into your seat with a sigh, clutching your bag to your chest and squeezing it like it was one of the cloud-soft plushies on your bed.
you were the only one in the room, the teacher nowhere to be seen. it was just you and the ominous tick tock of the clock, the hands counting down the minutes until heeseung would inevitably arrive.
what would you even do when he came? what would you say? how would you act? did he hate you now? would he treat you differently after you'd cut ties with him so coldly?
you sighed again, shaking your head to clear it and turning to look out the window—
heeseung was there.
you jolted, heart stopping as you made eye contact with the boy you'd been so torn up over—had your overwhelming thoughts manifested him?!
truly, luck was not on your side today.
his eyes widened as he spotted you through the window three stories up, and he seemed frozen for a moment, glued to the ground mid-step—
your body moved before you could think. before you could stop it, your hand came up to give him the tiniest of waves—
it seemed heeseung's body began moving on its own as well, as he broke out into a surging sprint that shot him out of your line of sight and into the building.
well fuck.
you wanted to curl up into a ball, or perhaps lock the door to your classroom as you sat frozen in your chair.
heeseung was on his way. and he'd be here any second now with how fast he was running.
oh, you weren't ready for this. you weren't ready to see him. you thought you'd have time, that you'd be able to deliberate over what to say, how to say it, that you would tell him everything after school. that you'd be able to compose yourself and steel your mind—
bam!
the door slammed open, and heeseung stumbled in, panting and hunched over and wearing this expression that you just couldn't describe as he lurched forward—
huh?
and suddenly he was in front of you, kneeling before your seat as he wrapped his arms around you and buried his face in the crook of your neck.
"i missed you," he mumbled, chest still heaving from his dash into the building and up the multiple flights of stairs. "i missed you so much."
his unexpected show of affection—or perhaps it was the fact that he did not blame you, did not treat you coldly like you expected—caught you off guard, threw you off balance.
maybe that was what allowed those damn words to slip through.
"i missed you too," you whispered, a hand coming to rest on his back awkwardly.
he seemed to breathe a sigh of relief—or perhaps it was just a forceful exhale as he continued to gulp down air—as he melted into you a little.
"but... aren't you mad at me? for what i said?"
he pulled away to look you in the eyes, head cocking.
"huh? of course not. sad, sure, but not angry. i was more angry at myself for not taking your feelings into consideration... if anything, you should be angry at me—”
you shook your head, jaw clenching. "no, no, i didn't mean it. any of it. everything i said was untrue. i... i was..." you stumbled over your words, hesitating. what should you say?
"it's okay. take your time." heeseung patted your clenched hands reassuringly, a kind smile brightening his face.
you exhaled, massaging your temples. where should you even start?
"i... i was... someone..." you cleared your throat, inhaling deeply in a futile attempt to calm yourself down. "um... there's a lot i have to explain, but before i say anything else, i should probably tell you some things about myself..."
you fidgeted with the hem of your uniform's skirt, throat tightening as he nodded, listening intently.
"i—”
the door slammed open, and in poured a group of your classmates, chattering and laughing and shouting—
you tried to jerk away from heeseung, tried to push him away, the action more instinct than intention, but heeseung kept his feet firmly planted even as your hands unconsciously shoved at his shoulders.
"hey. do you wanna get out of here?" he stood and shifted so he was the only thing in your line of sight, his broad shoulders creating a private room just for you two.
you blinked.
"i mean, i know you missed school for a week so maybe skipping another day isn't possible, but it seems like you'd be more comfortable talking somewhere else—”
"yes."
you stood instantly, making him jolt back in surprise—but it only lasted a heartbeat before he smiled gently, extending a hand towards you.
"alright. let's go."
you took it.
you could feel curious gazes following you as you followed heeseung out of the room, hand in hand, door shutting with a sharp clack behind you.
but honestly? you didn't care as much as you thought you would.
you could only focus on the feel of heeseung's hand wrapped around yours—you had no idea it was so big. or callused. or warm.
you didn't even realize you'd exited the building until a burst of sunlight hit your face, blinding you.
you looked back down to where heeseung continued to lead you past the school gates, ignoring the inquisitive stares of the small stream of students going the other way.
"where should we go?" he asked as you finally made it out, stepping past the gates, outside the boundaries of the school property.
you were free.
you thought for a moment, staring at where your hands were joined—perhaps he thought you didn't like it, (did you?) ripping his hand away, face flushing as he realized what, exactly, he'd been doing. "sorry! i don't think before i act sometimes, and i get carried away easily—"
"no, no, don't worry. i..." you hesitated. "i didn't hate it."
"thank goodness." he seemed to deflate, all the tension he'd gone stiff with melting away. "now, where would you be most comfortable talking?"
"hm..." again pondering the question, you crossed your arms over your chest. somewhere secluded would be best. somewhere you were comfortable. somewhere you didn't have to worry about being overheard. somewhere you could be alone.
"... would my place work?" you remembered the first time he'd come over—that time, he'd been the one to suggest going to your place—now, amazingly, you'd willingly volunteered up your apartment. "only if you're comfortable, of course."
"no, no, i should be the one saying that. are you sure?"
you nodded. your mom was gone, smacking you with a stern warning to go to school (and confront your problems) in the morning, before begrudgingly leaving for work. there was no one that would interrupt you.
"okay, then. let's go."
when heeseung stepped into your apartment this time, it didn't feel quite so awkward. some traces of bumbling nervousness remained as he toed his shoes off, hanging his bag on the rack by the door as you invited him up into the main living space, but otherwise he seemed composed. his eyes didn't roam and he wasn't shocked by anything he saw as he came up. he didn't feel quite so out of place.
everything was familiar. the wallpaper remained old and dinged up. the couch still sagged. the lights continued to flicker once in a while. the fridge still hummed too loud.
nothing had changed. that is, nothing except you two.
you'd changed—in the span of the few weeks you'd known each other, you'd changed. your relationship, the air between you two—had changed.
and now, after all this—
it would change again. for better or for worse, that was still to be determined.
you gestured for him to take a seat on the sagging couch, and he did so gingerly, perhaps scared it would collapse under him. but though old it was sturdy, and stood strong under his weight as you got refreshments to fight the summer heat. the early-morning chill which had kept you from sweating underneath your long-sleeved uniform slowly turned into the usual stifling heat of the midday, and you again had to remind yourself not to roll your sleeves up.
not yet, at least.
you handed heeseung his cup of iced tea, taking a long swig from your own as you joined him on the couch.
"why are you nervous? i'm the one who should be nervous right now," you said as you noticed his bouncing leg. "don't tell me it's about coming over when no one else is home. we've done it before, remember?"
"no! it's just... it's been a stressful week, you know."
"... because of me?"
he looked like he wanted to say no—but you knew from his poorly-concealed wince that it was.
you sighed, setting your glass down on the coffee table.
"i... i need to apologize for everything. i've been a terrible—" you stumbled a bit on the word. "—friend. i'm sorry for saying everything that i said that day. none of it was true. i'm sorry for ghosting you. i'm sorry for making you worry. for giving you a hard time. for not speaking to you and communicating when i should have."
he turned to face you, watching you silently as you chewed on your bottom lip, giving you the silence and space you needed to think, to come up with the words you wanted to say, to get everything out without having to worry about a response. he simply listened, digesting your words and sitting with a calmness, a stillness that didn't match the impression you had of him in your head.
"i want to... no, i need to tell you some things. if you really want to be friends, if you want to see who i really am, if you want to know why i did what i did and said what i said, there are some things that you have to know about me. about my past."
you took a breath as you thought, clasping your hands together and leaning forward onto your knees as you continued.
"i... don't know if i'm going to tell you too much, or if you even want to hear about any of this—"
"i do." his voice was unlike anything you'd heard before. "i want to know more about you."
you nodded, unable to look up at him. you took another breath. it trembled—and yet you went on.
"in middle school, i was friends with this girl. we were best friends at the time. we did everything together. i trusted her with everything, and she did the same with me. i thought... i thought we'd be together forever, you know? it was that kind of friendship."
it hurt as you recalled her face, her laugh, the way she glowed when she smiled. all things you'd buried so far away, so deep after everything that happened, that dragging them out now caused you physical pain. your heart hurt as you remembered her smiling face.
"she liked this boy." you had to pause, blinking as your throat suddenly constricted and your hands squeezed tighter around each other. how long ago had it been since you allowed yourself to really remember, to truly think about and process everything that had happened? everything you went through? "like, really liked him. she'd always talk to me about him; get all giddy anytime they interacted. she'd talk to everybody about him, actually—the whole class knew about her thing for him. and i was rooting for them, you know? i told her as much every time. and he did seem interested in her for a little, and they even became friends, but then... everything went downhill."
you didn't even realize your leg was bouncing hard enough to rattle the coffee table until heeseung gently laid a hand on your knee, squeezing once. you didn't look up from where you were staring smoldering holes into the coffee table, but you sighed, nodding gratefully.
"he confessed to me. in front of the entire class. he told her that he wasn't interested in her, that he'd only gotten closer to her to get closer to me. and, well... she didn't take it very well. needless to say, she cut our friendship off immediately. and i get it—she was embarresed, she was sad, she was angry. but then she began accusing me of... of backstabbing her, going behind her back to steal him, and even—" your throat closed up as the striking parallels to your present situation made themsleves laughably visible. "even sleeping with him to get him to like me, just to humiliate her."
you laughed humorlessly as you felt heeseung tense next to you.
"we were in middle school. his dick probably wasn't even fully formed at that point. but it didn't matter. she told everyone who'd listen her sob story, got their pity. and i... no one believed me when i said i didn't. that i didn't even like him. everyone thought i was a lying, backstabbing, easy, slutty bitch who'd slept with her best friend's 'boyfriend'—mind you, they weren't even dating. he didn't even like her. but stories and rumors tend to get blown out of proportion when they circulate, and soon the whole school knew about me. the one who slept with her best friend's 'boyfriend.'"
his hand tightened on your knee, but still he remained silent. he let you take your time as you closed your eyes, your hands coming up to cup your mouth and nose as you inhaled slowly.
memories of those times—the glares in the hallways, the name-calling, the bullying, and everything else, came crashing back, and you had to remind yourself that you were past that now. that it had been years and years, and you weren't there anymore. you were okay. you were okay. you were okay.
you were going to be okay.
"i... after all my other friends ditched me, i became the perfect target for bullies. i was alone. vulnerable. there was no one who'd stick up for me. and i was a 'bad person'—of course nobody would feel bad for me. so... people began bullying me. it started out small—name-calling, mean notes, teasing. but it got worse, so much worse, when they realized they could get away with it. when they realized i wouldn't tell anyone."
you opened your eyes, filled with so much pain that heeseung's heart broke.
"they'd shove me into lockers. drag me into the bathroom and dunk my head into the toilets. pour spoiled milk on me. throw away my food. shove me around. hit me, even. kick me. i did tae-kwon do at the time, so bruises weren't uncommon. no one questioned a few more." you laughed again. "funny, right? i did martial arts—i even won medals—and yet i couldn't even defend myself against them. i was too scared. i thought they'd come after me even more, do worse things, if i fought back. so i let them do whatever they wanted. it got... it got really bad. my mom was—and still is—never home beacuse of work. school was a nightmare. i couldn't get away from them, couldn't hide. they'd make every minute of school hell. and even after school ended, they'd sometimes keep me with them. there was this abandoned building near school that no one ever went by. they'd take me there. make me do all these humiliating things as they recorded. sometimes the guys would even—"
you paused, growing nauseous at the memories.
"sometimes they'd make me take off... my clothes. not all the way, but..." you paused as you felt heeseung's hand tighten around your knee to an almost painful extent. you finally mustered the courage to look up, to look at heeseung's face—
it was blank. almost terrifyingly so. but his eyes, the way the hand on your knee was shaking—
you looked away quickly, before you could psyche yourself out, before you could truly process the extent of everything you were telling him. that you were offering up the deepest, darkest, dirtiest parts of yourself, that you were offering up everything, that you were offering up yourself to him. up to his judgement. to this boy you'd barely known for a few months.
"sometimes they touched me. sometimes they hit me. they recorded everything, of course. they threatened to send it all to their class groupchats if i said anything. so i stayed quiet. and it just kept going on and on, and i didn't know when it would stop. if it would ever stop. my mental state got really bad. i... i did a lot of things i'm not proud of."
you sat up, taking a deep breath as you stared down at your sleeves. and then slowly, slowly rolled them up.
and then there they were.
thin, silvery-pale stripes that criss-crossed your forearms from your wrists to your elbows. your scars. your physical reminders of everything you hated that would never, ever leave you.
this was the first time you'd voluntarily showed them to anyone besides your mother.
heeseung's heart dropped into his ass as he stared at them.
"i... for a long time, i really wanted to die. i thought about it all the time. but in the end, i was too scared to do that, too. so this was what i did to cope. this was the only thing that made me feel like i had even a little bit of control in my life. at least this pain i could predict. i could control." you shook your head. "god, i was so stupid. i stopped after my mom found out. she made me tell her everything. it was only a few more weeks until middle school ended, so even though she wanted to pull me out immedietely i stuck it out until the end. then we moved here."
your leg began bouncing again.
"i started going to high school, and i was so, so wary. i didn't want to make friends again, didn't want to draw any attention for the rest of my time here. i didn't make any friends the first two years. didn't make any enemies, either. i just... minded my own business. i was thankful. happy, even. being alone peacefully was infinitely better than risking going through middle school again. and then, well. you came along."
finally, finally you mustered up the courage to look up at heeseung again. this time, his anger was palpable. his sadness, too. but he didn't interrupt. simply kept listening intently, allowing you to continue.
"i... i really mistrusted you at first. i wanted nothing to do with you. i thought that surely your kindness had to be a ploy of some kind. that you had some ulterior motive to being so goddamn nice. that you showing me warmth and decency that i hadn't seen in years had to be some attempt to humiliate me, or sleep with me, or get something out of me. i guess i was stupider—or lonelier—than i thought, because somehow you actually got through to me. all your stupid attempts at friendship actually worked. and for a few weeks, i was actually happy..."
he hid all hints of the hot, coursing anger that pumped through his veins; the crashing, painful sadness, from his face as he smiled down at you—but it quickly faded as you continued.
"but... something happened recently—the same day i said all those awful things to you. do you remember that time we went to that street market for our project? when we missed the last bus and we had to stay in that motel?"
oh he remembered all right. he nodded as the memory of the way your heat had seeped through his clothes as he'd awoken with your limbs twined around him flashed through his brain.
"this girl...i dont know who she is, but she had a picture of us standing in front of the motel the morning after. she got it from a friend who recognized you, apprently. obviously it looks pretty bad without any context, you know? and i guess she must like you and wanted me out of the picture, but she... she told me that if i didn't cut ties with you she'd send the picture to everyone."
you sighed.
"that scared the shit out of me. i thought it would be middle school all over again. so i immediately did everything she told me to. i asked to be changed classes, or even just seats, but after that didn't happen i panicked. i said all that shit to you, and then just stopped showing up to school. i didn't even want the possibility of her seeing us together, of her assuming anything—and i hurt you because of it. because of my cowardice. i'm sorry."
he didn't reply, only stared blankly at you as you watched him, worried.
"i'm sorry about dumping all of this on you all of the sudden. i know it was a lot. if you see me differently, or don't want to be friends anymore—"
"can i give you a hug?"
huh?
you nodded dumbly, not sure how to react—
then his arms were around you.
and you were surrounded by nothing but him, and everything felt far away. all your problems seemed to be muted, blocked out, warded away by a barrier of heeseung.
you felt so safe. so warm. so... loved.
and maybe remembering and sharing your past had left you off-balance, had left you vulnerable and tender in all the wrong (or right) places, or perhaps you finally felt safe and protected enough to do so, but—
you began crying.
tears sprung up in your eyes suddenly as you buried your face in his chest and his chin came to rest on the top of your skull, one hand cradling the back of your head, the other wrapped tightly around your midsection. your shoulders shook, at first lightly and then in jolting tremors as your sobs began to wrack your body, breaths sawing in and out of your violently heaving chest as you, for the first time since middle school, cried.
"let it all out. you don't have to hold back." heeseung murmered as you gasped and sobbed, the almost five years of accumulated agony and loneliness and fear finally catching up to you, crashing over you, overwhelming as you finally let yourself feel everything in its entirety.
you stayed like that for god knows how long, you crying and trembling and him rubbing your back soothingly, never letting go.
when you finally stilled, tears running dry, he still didn't let go. but he started speaking, the vibrations of his voice rumbling against your face as you stayed pressed up against him.
"first of all, before anything else—i'm so, so glad you're still here. that you didn't give up. even if it was hard. even if it was painful. even if it was scary. you did a great job." his voice was steady, but you could feel the way his hands tightened in your hair and around your shoulder as the words left him. "i'm so sorry you had to go through what you did. no one deserves to be treated that way. if i could beat all those fuckers into the ground right now, i would." a pause. "second. you are incredibly, incredibly brave, and i respect you so much for finding the courage to tell me all of this. trusting me to hear everything, even though it must've been scary, must've been hard. i... feel like i understand you so much better now. i feel like i can finally see you for who you are, without all the walls."
you only nodded against him, throat still tight and throbbing.
"...thank you for listening.
“of course.”
a soothing silence fell between you two, and the rhythmic motion of his hand running through your hair lulled you into a tranquil null.
“...would you like to hear some things about me in return?”
“you don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to.”
“i want to. after everything you trusted me with, i want you to know me too. the real me.”
you nodded again, finally pulling back so you could look him in the face. neither of you balked, even as you both processed what you'd just been doing. what it did or didn't mean.
"my story starts in middle school, too. i was pretty different from how i am now—i didn't have many friends, and i wasn't very loud, either. i was awkward and stuck to myself a lot, just trying to stay out of the way. i know, crazy right? you wouldn't expect it looking at me now." he chuckles, yet the sound is more self-deprecating than amused. "i was a lot like you are right now. i tried my best to blend into the background, to not draw any attention to myself. i thought... i thought i was fine being alone. and i was—for a long time, i was. but... i was lonely. my parents were—are never home, a lot like your mom. my older brother was already in college at that time. and one day, i honestly just got... sick of it. being alone."
he leaned back against the couch, sighing as he allowed his head to rest against the wall.
"needless to say, me being my gangly, awkward, nervous, introverted, lame self made making friends hard. even though i tried my best, no one liked the person i was back then. the harder i tried the more i was teased, made fun of—nothing even close to what you went through, but it still hurt, you know?" it was your turn to rest your hand on his knee as it began bouncing. he glanced over at you, smiling gratefully. "so i changed. i practiced speaking in the mirror until i became confident enough not to stumble over my words. i practiced smiling until it looked perfect and became second nature. i watched videos and listened to podcasts on how to pick up social cues. i started keeping track of trends. i'd always messed around with basketball with my brother, but it was then i decided to get serious and join the school team. i worked my butt off to get better, until i was the best one on the team—and that naturally drew people to me. and i finally got a damn haircut—which is what made the biggest difference, in my opinion." he laughed this time, yet his eyes betrayed his sadness.
"by the end of middle school i became the person you see today—social, outgoing, good at speaking. and i'm happy with the friends i made, really. i love them all. but honestly? sometimes, it feels like i'm lying to them. like i'm lying to everyone. they don't know that the confident, fun person they see, the person they've come to love, still gets exhausted from big crowds. still has to think over his words before he says them. double-checks his jokes to make sure they make sense. still gets nervous when he talks to people, even if he doesn't show it."
you watched silently as he turned again to you, looking right at you with those big, soft, earnest eyes that had something in your heart breaking.
"i know you must still be confused, even now, as to why i latched on to you out of the blue in the beginning. why i was so eager to be friends with you. why i went to such lengths to bother you, to get closer to you. and if you want an honest answer as to why, it's that i saw my old self in you. and i felt that... maybe you'd be able to see me for who i really am—without judging. without being disappointed. without leaving me. i thought that maybe you'd be able to like me for who i am underneath the basketball player, the star student, the life of the party, the smooth talker—like me just for me."
you stared at him, watched as he averted his eyes, a flush blooming across his cheeks and spreading to the tips of his ears.
"oh, heeseung. i'm... i'm sorry i never noticed you were struggling like that. i—i've just been so wrapped up in my own problems, my own head—i never really paid much attention to you. i'm sorry—”
"no! don't be sorry. what are you even apologizing for?" he cut you off quickly, voice panicked as he shook his head furiously. "i was just trying to make sure you understood i didn't approach you with any bad intentions, since i know i must've come off really strong in the beginning, which i'm again really sorry for—”
"no, i'm sorry for not being good at—”
"no, i'm sorry for—”
"no, i'm sorry for—”
you both tried to apologize over each other, voices rising until you were sure the neighbors would hear you, finally peaking before you both stopped to catch your breath, silently calling a truce before either of you could die from asphyxiation.
before heeseung could open his mouth, you spoke up first.
"okay. before you say anything else, let me say a few things. first, your friends right now—jay, jake, sunoo, that group—they all seem like really nice, caring people. i'm sure even if you didn't perform for them like you do everyone else, they'd still love you just the same—so don't be scared to let loose around them, you know?"
pfft. rich coming from someone like you.
he nodded, watching as you put two fingers up. "second..." you hesitated. "you don't have to perform for me, either. i... won't judge. in fact, i might like you even more if you seemed more human. more relatable."
he nodded, eyes softening and mouth stretching into a relieved smile.
"thank you. that means a lot to me."
"of course."
you paused. the air between you felt thicker now, charged with everything you’d just laid bare—and yet lighter all at the same time. you'd cleared the air, gotten to tell him everything, and he'd done so in return—
you blinked.
but had you? had you really?
there was, aside from what to do about the girl with the picture, one more thing that needed to be addressed.
but... what if it ruined what you already had?
your heart hammered against your ribs like it was trying to claw its way out. you’d already handed him your scars, your worst memories, the ugly broken pieces you’d hidden from the world. what was one more risk, you reasoned?
"um... heeseung?"
"yeah?" he turned toward you fully, those warm brown eyes soft and attentive, still a little red from the emotion of the last hour.
you took a deep breath, coming to terms with potentially making a fool of yourself. with potentially making things awkward.
"i'm sorry if this is too direct or if i'm completely wrong, but... do you... like me? as more than just friends?"
heeseung’s eyes widened, lips parting in surprise. for a second he looked almost frozen, like the question had short-circuited his brain. then color flooded his face—ears, neck, all the way to the tips of his cheeks in a deep, hot pink. he opened his mouth, closed it, and suddenly looked anywhere but at you, one hand coming up to rub the back of his neck.
“i—” his voice cracked. he cleared his throat and tried again, quieter. “yeah. i do.”
your heart stopped.
he curled into himself and hid his face in his knees as the words settled in the air between you.
aw. he was surprisingly cute. it seemed he was putting that 'you don't have to perform around me' advice to use far faster than you anticipated.
you found yourself unconsciously embarrassed as well as he peered up at you, eyebrows scrunched.
"i... before all this, i thought i was fine with just being friends. i continuously tried to deny my feelings, tried to cut them off before they could get any larger... but ignoring them only made them grow bigger and bigger underneath all my excuses, and eventually, everything reached a tipping point." he straightened, slowly growing less abashed as the words continued to flow. "this mess... being away from you for a whole week, all the while thinking i might never see you again... it made me realize that i don't want to keep pretending these feelings don't exist." he locked eyes with you, and you froze—you couldn't look away even if you tried. "that i don't want to keep pretending i don't want you to be mine."
wow.
the world slowed.
your heart skipped a beat—then did five cartwheels, three backflips, and a headfirst-dive into your lungs for good measure as he took your hand, squeezing gently.
"i know this is terrible timing. i know it's sudden. and i'm really sorry—but i want to make it clear right now that i like you as more than a friend. being around you makes me happy in a way no one else can make me. being around you makes the sky bluer, the sun warmer, the air sweeter, the grass greener—being around you makes my life beautiful in a way i thought only happened in dramas. words can't express how grateful i am that i met you, and now that i've experienced losing you once, i never want to let it happen again. but..." he hesitated. "i know maybe you don't feel the same way—but i think i would have regretted it for the rest of my life if i didn't tell you how i feel right now. so... for now, thank you just for listening to me. i'm not expecting an answer from you or anything, or even—”
"i like you too."
the words slipped from your lips before you could stop them.
you blinked, watching as heeseung froze and stared, blinking dumbly in return.
"you do?"
you did.
perhaps it had also taken you a week of thinking you'd never be able to see him again to realize it, but you could see it now—
the way your heart skipped a beat when he was near, the way you felt like the only person in the room whenever he smiled so warmly at you, the way his stupid persistence—pushiness, you'd once cursed it out as—had slowly chipped away at every wall you’d built until you were standing here, raw and open and wanting. wanting him. wanting this.
whatever this was.
heeseung stared at you like you’d just told him the sky was green. his mouth opened, closed, opened again. the flush on his cheeks deepened to a shade that matched the candied strawberries you’d shared at the market not all that long ago.
“you… like me?” he repeated, voice barely above a whisper, as if saying it louder might make it disappear.
you nodded, suddenly shy under the weight of his gaze. your fingers tightened around his. “yeah. i do. i think… i have for a while. i just didn’t want to acknowledge it. it felt safer to push you away.”
he gaped at you for a few more seconds, eyes wide and unblinking as he watched you, perhaps waiting for you to say sike! just kidding!
but you didn't.
you hadn't been sure before, but now... yes, you were sure.
you liked lee heeseung. and lee heeseung liked you.
"really?"
you nodded.
he again stared dumbly—then broke out in the stupidest, goofiest, sunniest grin you'd ever seen him wear.
"fuck. holy shit, i'm so happy right now. you don't hate—no, you like me. oh my god. oh my god. i might pass out."
you laughed—not a chuckle, not a little snicker, but a full, belly-deep laugh that had you throwing your head back and slapping your knee.
"god, you're so corny—how do you even...”
you trailed off as you again found him staring.
this time, he seemed dumbstruck.
"do that again."
"huh? do what?"
"laugh. i've never seen you laugh before."
you swatted half-heartedly at him, still thinking he was joking. what was so great about your laugh?
"you really are the corniest guy, you know that?"
but he kept staring, this moonstruck, almost drunk-dazed expression creating haze over his features.
"you're so pretty."
you blushed, ducking your head.
"ugh, be quiet." you muttered, hand coming up to cover the tiny twitch of your mouth before you could start grinning stupidly yourself.
heeseung laughed—quiet, almost reverent. “i mean it. you should do it more. laugh, i mean. the whole world’s missing out.”
you rolled your eyes, but the smile tugging at your lips refused to leave. for a moment, silence settled again, comfortable this time.
then reality crept back in, slow and heavy, like cold air slipping under a door.
you pulled your hand back gently, not because you were uncomfortable with the physical contact (surprising, considering your history with boys), but because there was still one more thing. the reason you’d come back. the looming threat that had sent you running in the first place.
"heeseung? i don't mean to overreach or ask for too much, but... do you think you could help me with the girl? the girl with the photos, who said she'd send them all to everyone if i didn't stay away from you? i... i don't know if i can deal with her on my own."
"hey. that shouldn't even be a question—of course i'll help you. she's just as much my problem as she is yours..." he winced as he took his phone out. "you don't know her name or class, right? actually, i think i've found her instagram already..."
your brows scrunched at that.
"how?"
"well, see for yourself."
he opened his instagram and opened up his dms, and at the very top—a contact with a profile picture of a familiar girl that sent adrenaline-fueled chills down your spine.
even just an image of her triggered your fight or flight response, and you struggled to not look away, to avert your eyes.
"how do you have her...?"
he only clicked on the contact, and the messaging page opened up, the chat history popping to life before you.
you blinked.
countless piles upon piles of one-sided messages from her sat there, and your stomach lurched as he handed you the phone so you could scroll up—to where the messages began exactly one week ago. the day she'd cornered you in the nurses office.
hey, heeseung oppa, it's me minji. i think we've bumped into each other in the halls before! do you remember me?
i was wondering if we could talk sometime? whenever you're free ofc
i just have some important things to tell you
please? i really need to see you.
it's urgent, actually. can i swing by your practice tomorrow?
and on and on it went.
heeseung had never responded, though.
"why did you never respond?"
"oh... well... i wasn't in the best mental shape after... everything."
ah. after what you'd said and done to him.
"sorry again."
"no, no, don't worry. but this is the girl, right?"
you nodded grimly.
"well... if you wanted to confront her today, i'm pretty sure she said she'd be waiting for me on the roof after school."
indeed, as you scrolled down to the bottom of the messages, the most recent one from that morning had asked him to come to the rooftop after school.
you stared at it for a long while, the joy you'd felt while focused purely on heeseung slowly draining and being replaced with cold, sharp dread.
perhaps sensing your fear, he rested a hand on your knee, squeezing once.
"hey. don't be nervous. i'll help you all the way. i'll be right by your side the entire time. we'll find a way to get her to delete the photo. don't worry."
you looked up at heeseung, smiling wearily at the determination lighting up his eyes.
"thank you. truly."
"of course." he squeezed your knee once more before taking his phone back, stowing it away in his pocket as he said, "we should probably plan what to say, right? make a plan of action?"
you took a deep breath, nodding as your nerves settled.
"yeah. let's do this."
omgomg i'm so so sorry this took so freaking long i had all my ap tests creep up on me bruh and then i just took so long deciding which way i wanted the chapter and story in general to go. but im pretty proud of how this one turned out (i think it's the longest chapter in this series), and i hope you enjoyed!
also this is very much not proofread at all so if you find any spelling or grammar mistakes or weird ahh types pls lmk im so sorry i'm finishing this up at 1 am 😭✌️
tl: @heekolazz @souljisung @d4zednconfuzed @xrusa01 @kristynaaah @devilish-meangadh @glitterywonderlandtimemachine @baelittleddori @hopetiger10 @sievenderz @zoe1love @elliette-laine1 @livie22 @usuallyunlikelyfox @ilovepsh @6eraphim @synamon13 @morganaawriterr @wobblymug @nct-sticker-127 @won1yoiz @remwonderland-blog @heeheeswifey @angelhyuka @laikaonline @imsojuliaaaa @enhalxvr @mheretoreadff @faeriwonz @rafa3835 @sooberriesx @kateevees33 @yenienha @vixialuvs @foreveronez @firstclassjaylee @cinnamonlovr @luvkiyomi @mrsyangsikmoa @seyoungiesleeps @enhypenina @tboboee @iverrr @hanjisdoll @xolaufeyberry @bambisevanesce @nedeiii @teenagecheesecakereview @itsraininghyunebuckets @loftilylostlycanthrope
may you never forget me
synopsis: in which heeseung spots you in the crowd and realises that his past lover has been reincarnated once again. however this time around, he definitely isn't letting you go.
pairing: idol!lee heeseung x f!reader
genre: historical (joseon era) au, modern au, romance, past lovers, red string theory (sort of), bittersweet, reincarnation, dual timeline, vampire!heeseung
cw: angst, major character death, blood/violence, attempted suicide, implied that reader has depression, age gap relationship, fluff, yearning from both sides, porn with plot, unprotected sex, power dynamics, unestablished relationships, dubcon (heeseung uses vampire hypnosis once), dom/sub, oral (m receiving), fingering, choking, rough sex, manhandling but it’s consensual, possessive!heeseung, slight breathplay, overstimulation, biting, spanking, brat tamer(?)!heeseung, implied multiple rounds, sort of emotional manipulation on heeseung's side, reader is also hinted to have social anxiety, heeseung takes advantage of this, no use of y/n, semi proofread (sorry for any mistakes)
word count: around 19k (i don't even know how this happened)
MDNI
i kinda wanna get back into kny lmk if i should continue working on that one series i only wrote one chapter for 😭
OPPOSITES ATTRACT 011
IN WHICH lee heeseung learns what true joy is.
ARCHIVE ──── ✧₊⁺ 🎞️ series, opposites attract golden retriever x black cat high school!au basketballplayer!heeseung loner!reader strangers to lovers wc: 7k
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you found yourself staring up at the entrance to the school, hands damp with sweat and wrapped around the strap of your bag with the force of a lethal chokehold.
well. this certainly was not stressful as fuck. you definitely weren't shitting your pants where you stood.
the shadow of the building felt more like the shadow of a grim reaper that had come to collect your soul—had you died of a stroke thanks to all the cortisol flooding your systems?
maybe that would be more of a mercy than what was about to happen.
but you took a breath, steeling yourself against the thought of everything that could go wrong—
and took the first step forward.
you'd arrived early for once, in hopes that you'd be able to avoid the crowd and make it to your seat without fuss.
though nobody besides heeseung had noticed your absence, probably.
and that girl, perhaps.
you hadn't even learned her name, you realized with a cringe. probably a dumb move considering everything, but the thought of surfing instagram to find it...?
you'd already been nervous enough thinking about confronting her. the idea of having to see her face prematurely, even through a screen, was daunting.
god. when had you become such a coward? your mom was right. enough was enough. it was time to man up.
you made it to your classroom in one piece, thanking god you didn't run into anyone you knew—namely, heeseung. or the girl.
you sunk into your seat with a sigh, clutching your bag to your chest and squeezing it like it was one of the cloud-soft plushies on your bed.
you were the only one in the room, the teacher nowhere to be seen. it was just you and the ominous tick tock of the clock, the hands counting down the minutes until heeseung would inevitably arrive.
what would you even do when he came? what would you say? how would you act? did he hate you now? would he treat you differently after you'd cut ties with him so coldly?
you sighed again, shaking your head to clear it and turning to look out the window—
heeseung was there.
you jolted, heart stopping as you made eye contact with the boy you'd been so torn up over—had your overwhelming thoughts manifested him?!
truly, luck was not on your side today.
his eyes widened as he spotted you through the window three stories up, and he seemed frozen for a moment, glued to the ground mid-step—
your body moved before you could think. before you could stop it, your hand came up to give him the tiniest of waves—
it seemed heeseung's body began moving on its own as well, as he broke out into a surging sprint that shot him out of your line of sight and into the building.
well fuck.
you wanted to curl up into a ball, or perhaps lock the door to your classroom as you sat frozen in your chair.
heeseung was on his way. and he'd be here any second now with how fast he was running.
oh, you weren't ready for this. you weren't ready to see him. you thought you'd have time, that you'd be able to deliberate over what to say, how to say it, that you would tell him everything after school. that you'd be able to compose yourself and steel your mind—
bam!
the door slammed open, and heeseung stumbled in, panting and hunched over and wearing this expression that you just couldn't describe as he lurched forward—
huh?
and suddenly he was in front of you, kneeling before your seat as he wrapped his arms around you and buried his face in the crook of your neck.
"i missed you," he mumbled, chest still heaving from his dash into the building and up the multiple flights of stairs. "i missed you so much."
his unexpected show of affection—or perhaps it was the fact that he did not blame you, did not treat you coldly like you expected—caught you off guard, threw you off balance.
maybe that was what allowed those damn words to slip through.
"i missed you too," you whispered, a hand coming to rest on his back awkwardly.
he seemed to breathe a sigh of relief—or perhaps it was just a forceful exhale as he continued to gulp down air—as he melted into you a little.
"but... aren't you mad at me? for what i said?"
he pulled away to look you in the eyes, head cocking.
"huh? of course not. sad, sure, but not angry. i was more angry at myself for not taking your feelings into consideration... if anything, you should be angry at me—”
you shook your head, jaw clenching. "no, no, i didn't mean it. any of it. everything i said was untrue. i... i was..." you stumbled over your words, hesitating. what should you say?
"it's okay. take your time." heeseung patted your clenched hands reassuringly, a kind smile brightening his face.
you exhaled, massaging your temples. where should you even start?
"i... i was... someone..." you cleared your throat, inhaling deeply in a futile attempt to calm yourself down. "um... there's a lot i have to explain, but before i say anything else, i should probably tell you some things about myself..."
you fidgeted with the hem of your uniform's skirt, throat tightening as he nodded, listening intently.
"i—”
the door slammed open, and in poured a group of your classmates, chattering and laughing and shouting—
you tried to jerk away from heeseung, tried to push him away, the action more instinct than intention, but heeseung kept his feet firmly planted even as your hands unconsciously shoved at his shoulders.
"hey. do you wanna get out of here?" he stood and shifted so he was the only thing in your line of sight, his broad shoulders creating a private room just for you two.
you blinked.
"i mean, i know you missed school for a week so maybe skipping another day isn't possible, but it seems like you'd be more comfortable talking somewhere else—”
"yes."
you stood instantly, making him jolt back in surprise—but it only lasted a heartbeat before he smiled gently, extending a hand towards you.
"alright. let's go."
you took it.
you could feel curious gazes following you as you followed heeseung out of the room, hand in hand, door shutting with a sharp clack behind you.
but honestly? you didn't care as much as you thought you would.
you could only focus on the feel of heeseung's hand wrapped around yours—you had no idea it was so big. or callused. or warm.
you didn't even realize you'd exited the building until a burst of sunlight hit your face, blinding you.
you looked back down to where heeseung continued to lead you past the school gates, ignoring the inquisitive stares of the small stream of students going the other way.
"where should we go?" he asked as you finally made it out, stepping past the gates, outside the boundaries of the school property.
you were free.
you thought for a moment, staring at where your hands were joined—perhaps he thought you didn't like it, (did you?) ripping his hand away, face flushing as he realized what, exactly, he'd been doing. "sorry! i don't think before i act sometimes, and i get carried away easily—"
"no, no, don't worry. i..." you hesitated. "i didn't hate it."
"thank goodness." he seemed to deflate, all the tension he'd gone stiff with melting away. "now, where would you be most comfortable talking?"
"hm..." again pondering the question, you crossed your arms over your chest. somewhere secluded would be best. somewhere you were comfortable. somewhere you didn't have to worry about being overheard. somewhere you could be alone.
"... would my place work?" you remembered the first time he'd come over—that time, he'd been the one to suggest going to your place—now, amazingly, you'd willingly volunteered up your apartment. "only if you're comfortable, of course."
"no, no, i should be the one saying that. are you sure?"
you nodded. your mom was gone, smacking you with a stern warning to go to school (and confront your problems) in the morning, before begrudgingly leaving for work. there was no one that would interrupt you.
"okay, then. let's go."
when heeseung stepped into your apartment this time, it didn't feel quite so awkward. some traces of bumbling nervousness remained as he toed his shoes off, hanging his bag on the rack by the door as you invited him up into the main living space, but otherwise he seemed composed. his eyes didn't roam and he wasn't shocked by anything he saw as he came up. he didn't feel quite so out of place.
everything was familiar. the wallpaper remained old and dinged up. the couch still sagged. the lights continued to flicker once in a while. the fridge still hummed too loud.
nothing had changed. that is, nothing except you two.
you'd changed—in the span of the few weeks you'd known each other, you'd changed. your relationship, the air between you two—had changed.
and now, after all this—
it would change again. for better or for worse, that was still to be determined.
you gestured for him to take a seat on the sagging couch, and he did so gingerly, perhaps scared it would collapse under him. but though old it was sturdy, and stood strong under his weight as you got refreshments to fight the summer heat. the early-morning chill which had kept you from sweating underneath your long-sleeved uniform slowly turned into the usual stifling heat of the midday, and you again had to remind yourself not to roll your sleeves up.
not yet, at least.
you handed heeseung his cup of iced tea, taking a long swig from your own as you joined him on the couch.
"why are you nervous? i'm the one who should be nervous right now," you said as you noticed his bouncing leg. "don't tell me it's about coming over when no one else is home. we've done it before, remember?"
"no! it's just... it's been a stressful week, you know."
"... because of me?"
he looked like he wanted to say no—but you knew from his poorly-concealed wince that it was.
you sighed, setting your glass down on the coffee table.
"i... i need to apologize for everything. i've been a terrible—" you stumbled a bit on the word. "—friend. i'm sorry for saying everything that i said that day. none of it was true. i'm sorry for ghosting you. i'm sorry for making you worry. for giving you a hard time. for not speaking to you and communicating when i should have."
he turned to face you, watching you silently as you chewed on your bottom lip, giving you the silence and space you needed to think, to come up with the words you wanted to say, to get everything out without having to worry about a response. he simply listened, digesting your words and sitting with a calmness, a stillness that didn't match the impression you had of him in your head.
"i want to... no, i need to tell you some things. if you really want to be friends, if you want to see who i really am, if you want to know why i did what i did and said what i said, there are some things that you have to know about me. about my past."
you took a breath as you thought, clasping your hands together and leaning forward onto your knees as you continued.
"i... don't know if i'm going to tell you too much, or if you even want to hear about any of this—"
"i do." his voice was unlike anything you'd heard before. "i want to know more about you."
you nodded, unable to look up at him. you took another breath. it trembled—and yet you went on.
"in middle school, i was friends with this girl. we were best friends at the time. we did everything together. i trusted her with everything, and she did the same with me. i thought... i thought we'd be together forever, you know? it was that kind of friendship."
it hurt as you recalled her face, her laugh, the way she glowed when she smiled. all things you'd buried so far away, so deep after everything that happened, that dragging them out now caused you physical pain. your heart hurt as you remembered her smiling face.
"she liked this boy." you had to pause, blinking as your throat suddenly constricted and your hands squeezed tighter around each other. how long ago had it been since you allowed yourself to really remember, to truly think about and process everything that had happened? everything you went through? "like, really liked him. she'd always talk to me about him; get all giddy anytime they interacted. she'd talk to everybody about him, actually—the whole class knew about her thing for him. and i was rooting for them, you know? i told her as much every time. and he did seem interested in her for a little, and they even became friends, but then... everything went downhill."
you didn't even realize your leg was bouncing hard enough to rattle the coffee table until heeseung gently laid a hand on your knee, squeezing once. you didn't look up from where you were staring smoldering holes into the coffee table, but you sighed, nodding gratefully.
"he confessed to me. in front of the entire class. he told her that he wasn't interested in her, that he'd only gotten closer to her to get closer to me. and, well... she didn't take it very well. needless to say, she cut our friendship off immediately. and i get it—she was embarresed, she was sad, she was angry. but then she began accusing me of... of backstabbing her, going behind her back to steal him, and even—" your throat closed up as the striking parallels to your present situation made themsleves laughably visible. "even sleeping with him to get him to like me, just to humiliate her."
you laughed humorlessly as you felt heeseung tense next to you.
"we were in middle school. his dick probably wasn't even fully formed at that point. but it didn't matter. she told everyone who'd listen her sob story, got their pity. and i... no one believed me when i said i didn't. that i didn't even like him. everyone thought i was a lying, backstabbing, easy, slutty bitch who'd slept with her best friend's 'boyfriend'—mind you, they weren't even dating. he didn't even like her. but stories and rumors tend to get blown out of proportion when they circulate, and soon the whole school knew about me. the one who slept with her best friend's 'boyfriend.'"
his hand tightened on your knee, but still he remained silent. he let you take your time as you closed your eyes, your hands coming up to cup your mouth and nose as you inhaled slowly.
memories of those times—the glares in the hallways, the name-calling, the bullying, and everything else, came crashing back, and you had to remind yourself that you were past that now. that it had been years and years, and you weren't there anymore. you were okay. you were okay. you were okay.
you were going to be okay.
"i... after all my other friends ditched me, i became the perfect target for bullies. i was alone. vulnerable. there was no one who'd stick up for me. and i was a 'bad person'—of course nobody would feel bad for me. so... people began bullying me. it started out small—name-calling, mean notes, teasing. but it got worse, so much worse, when they realized they could get away with it. when they realized i wouldn't tell anyone."
you opened your eyes, filled with so much pain that heeseung's heart broke.
"they'd shove me into lockers. drag me into the bathroom and dunk my head into the toilets. pour spoiled milk on me. throw away my food. shove me around. hit me, even. kick me. i did tae-kwon do at the time, so bruises weren't uncommon. no one questioned a few more." you laughed again. "funny, right? i did martial arts—i even won medals—and yet i couldn't even defend myself against them. i was too scared. i thought they'd come after me even more, do worse things, if i fought back. so i let them do whatever they wanted. it got... it got really bad. my mom was—and still is—never home beacuse of work. school was a nightmare. i couldn't get away from them, couldn't hide. they'd make every minute of school hell. and even after school ended, they'd sometimes keep me with them. there was this abandoned building near school that no one ever went by. they'd take me there. make me do all these humiliating things as they recorded. sometimes the guys would even—"
you paused, growing nauseous at the memories.
"sometimes they'd make me take off... my clothes. not all the way, but..." you paused as you felt heeseung's hand tighten around your knee to an almost painful extent. you finally mustered the courage to look up, to look at heeseung's face—
it was blank. almost terrifyingly so. but his eyes, the way the hand on your knee was shaking—
you looked away quickly, before you could psyche yourself out, before you could truly process the extent of everything you were telling him. that you were offering up the deepest, darkest, dirtiest parts of yourself, that you were offering up everything, that you were offering up yourself to him. up to his judgement. to this boy you'd barely known for a few months.
"sometimes they touched me. sometimes they hit me. they recorded everything, of course. they threatened to send it all to their class groupchats if i said anything. so i stayed quiet. and it just kept going on and on, and i didn't know when it would stop. if it would ever stop. my mental state got really bad. i... i did a lot of things i'm not proud of."
you sat up, taking a deep breath as you stared down at your sleeves. and then slowly, slowly rolled them up.
and then there they were.
thin, silvery-pale stripes that criss-crossed your forearms from your wrists to your elbows. your scars. your physical reminders of everything you hated that would never, ever leave you.
this was the first time you'd voluntarily showed them to anyone besides your mother.
heeseung's heart dropped into his ass as he stared at them.
"i... for a long time, i really wanted to die. i thought about it all the time. but in the end, i was too scared to do that, too. so this was what i did to cope. this was the only thing that made me feel like i had even a little bit of control in my life. at least this pain i could predict. i could control." you shook your head. "god, i was so stupid. i stopped after my mom found out. she made me tell her everything. it was only a few more weeks until middle school ended, so even though she wanted to pull me out immedietely i stuck it out until the end. then we moved here."
your leg began bouncing again.
"i started going to high school, and i was so, so wary. i didn't want to make friends again, didn't want to draw any attention for the rest of my time here. i didn't make any friends the first two years. didn't make any enemies, either. i just... minded my own business. i was thankful. happy, even. being alone peacefully was infinitely better than risking going through middle school again. and then, well. you came along."
finally, finally you mustered up the courage to look up at heeseung again. this time, his anger was palpable. his sadness, too. but he didn't interrupt. simply kept listening intently, allowing you to continue.
"i... i really mistrusted you at first. i wanted nothing to do with you. i thought that surely your kindness had to be a ploy of some kind. that you had some ulterior motive to being so goddamn nice. that you showing me warmth and decency that i hadn't seen in years had to be some attempt to humiliate me, or sleep with me, or get something out of me. i guess i was stupider—or lonelier—than i thought, because somehow you actually got through to me. all your stupid attempts at friendship actually worked. and for a few weeks, i was actually happy..."
he hid all hints of the hot, coursing anger that pumped through his veins; the crashing, painful sadness, from his face as he smiled down at you—but it quickly faded as you continued.
"but... something happened recently—the same day i said all those awful things to you. do you remember that time we went to that street market for our project? when we missed the last bus and we had to stay in that motel?"
oh he remembered all right. he nodded as the memory of the way your heat had seeped through his clothes as he'd awoken with your limbs twined around him flashed through his brain.
"this girl...i dont know who she is, but she had a picture of us standing in front of the motel the morning after. she got it from a friend who recognized you, apprently. obviously it looks pretty bad without any context, you know? and i guess she must like you and wanted me out of the picture, but she... she told me that if i didn't cut ties with you she'd send the picture to everyone."
you sighed.
"that scared the shit out of me. i thought it would be middle school all over again. so i immediately did everything she told me to. i asked to be changed classes, or even just seats, but after that didn't happen i panicked. i said all that shit to you, and then just stopped showing up to school. i didn't even want the possibility of her seeing us together, of her assuming anything—and i hurt you because of it. because of my cowardice. i'm sorry."
he didn't reply, only stared blankly at you as you watched him, worried.
"i'm sorry about dumping all of this on you all of the sudden. i know it was a lot. if you see me differently, or don't want to be friends anymore—"
"can i give you a hug?"
huh?
you nodded dumbly, not sure how to react—
then his arms were around you.
and you were surrounded by nothing but him, and everything felt far away. all your problems seemed to be muted, blocked out, warded away by a barrier of heeseung.
you felt so safe. so warm. so... loved.
and maybe remembering and sharing your past had left you off-balance, had left you vulnerable and tender in all the wrong (or right) places, or perhaps you finally felt safe and protected enough to do so, but—
you began crying.
tears sprung up in your eyes suddenly as you buried your face in his chest and his chin came to rest on the top of your skull, one hand cradling the back of your head, the other wrapped tightly around your midsection. your shoulders shook, at first lightly and then in jolting tremors as your sobs began to wrack your body, breaths sawing in and out of your violently heaving chest as you, for the first time since middle school, cried.
"let it all out. you don't have to hold back." heeseung murmered as you gasped and sobbed, the almost five years of accumulated agony and loneliness and fear finally catching up to you, crashing over you, overwhelming as you finally let yourself feel everything in its entirety.
you stayed like that for god knows how long, you crying and trembling and him rubbing your back soothingly, never letting go.
when you finally stilled, tears running dry, he still didn't let go. but he started speaking, the vibrations of his voice rumbling against your face as you stayed pressed up against him.
"first of all, before anything else—i'm so, so glad you're still here. that you didn't give up. even if it was hard. even if it was painful. even if it was scary. you did a great job." his voice was steady, but you could feel the way his hands tightened in your hair and around your shoulder as the words left him. "i'm so sorry you had to go through what you did. no one deserves to be treated that way. if i could beat all those fuckers into the ground right now, i would." a pause. "second. you are incredibly, incredibly brave, and i respect you so much for finding the courage to tell me all of this. trusting me to hear everything, even though it must've been scary, must've been hard. i... feel like i understand you so much better now. i feel like i can finally see you for who you are, without all the walls."
you only nodded against him, throat still tight and throbbing.
"...thank you for listening.
“of course.”
a soothing silence fell between you two, and the rhythmic motion of his hand running through your hair lulled you into a tranquil null.
“...would you like to hear some things about me in return?”
“you don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to.”
“i want to. after everything you trusted me with, i want you to know me too. the real me.”
you nodded again, finally pulling back so you could look him in the face. neither of you balked, even as you both processed what you'd just been doing. what it did or didn't mean.
"my story starts in middle school, too. i was pretty different from how i am now—i didn't have many friends, and i wasn't very loud, either. i was awkward and stuck to myself a lot, just trying to stay out of the way. i know, crazy right? you wouldn't expect it looking at me now." he chuckles, yet the sound is more self-deprecating than amused. "i was a lot like you are right now. i tried my best to blend into the background, to not draw any attention to myself. i thought... i thought i was fine being alone. and i was—for a long time, i was. but... i was lonely. my parents were—are never home, a lot like your mom. my older brother was already in college at that time. and one day, i honestly just got... sick of it. being alone."
he leaned back against the couch, sighing as he allowed his head to rest against the wall.
"needless to say, me being my gangly, awkward, nervous, introverted, lame self made making friends hard. even though i tried my best, no one liked the person i was back then. the harder i tried the more i was teased, made fun of—nothing even close to what you went through, but it still hurt, you know?" it was your turn to rest your hand on his knee as it began bouncing. he glanced over at you, smiling gratefully. "so i changed. i practiced speaking in the mirror until i became confident enough not to stumble over my words. i practiced smiling until it looked perfect and became second nature. i watched videos and listened to podcasts on how to pick up social cues. i started keeping track of trends. i'd always messed around with basketball with my brother, but it was then i decided to get serious and join the school team. i worked my butt off to get better, until i was the best one on the team—and that naturally drew people to me. and i finally got a damn haircut—which is what made the biggest difference, in my opinion." he laughed this time, yet his eyes betrayed his sadness.
"by the end of middle school i became the person you see today—social, outgoing, good at speaking. and i'm happy with the friends i made, really. i love them all. but honestly? sometimes, it feels like i'm lying to them. like i'm lying to everyone. they don't know that the confident, fun person they see, the person they've come to love, still gets exhausted from big crowds. still has to think over his words before he says them. double-checks his jokes to make sure they make sense. still gets nervous when he talks to people, even if he doesn't show it."
you watched silently as he turned again to you, looking right at you with those big, soft, earnest eyes that had something in your heart breaking.
"i know you must still be confused, even now, as to why i latched on to you out of the blue in the beginning. why i was so eager to be friends with you. why i went to such lengths to bother you, to get closer to you. and if you want an honest answer as to why, it's that i saw my old self in you. and i felt that... maybe you'd be able to see me for who i really am—without judging. without being disappointed. without leaving me. i thought that maybe you'd be able to like me for who i am underneath the basketball player, the star student, the life of the party, the smooth talker—like me just for me."
you stared at him, watched as he averted his eyes, a flush blooming across his cheeks and spreading to the tips of his ears.
"oh, heeseung. i'm... i'm sorry i never noticed you were struggling like that. i—i've just been so wrapped up in my own problems, my own head—i never really paid much attention to you. i'm sorry—”
"no! don't be sorry. what are you even apologizing for?" he cut you off quickly, voice panicked as he shook his head furiously. "i was just trying to make sure you understood i didn't approach you with any bad intentions, since i know i must've come off really strong in the beginning, which i'm again really sorry for—”
"no, i'm sorry for not being good at—”
"no, i'm sorry for—”
"no, i'm sorry for—”
you both tried to apologize over each other, voices rising until you were sure the neighbors would hear you, finally peaking before you both stopped to catch your breath, silently calling a truce before either of you could die from asphyxiation.
before heeseung could open his mouth, you spoke up first.
"okay. before you say anything else, let me say a few things. first, your friends right now—jay, jake, sunoo, that group—they all seem like really nice, caring people. i'm sure even if you didn't perform for them like you do everyone else, they'd still love you just the same—so don't be scared to let loose around them, you know?"
pfft. rich coming from someone like you.
he nodded, watching as you put two fingers up. "second..." you hesitated. "you don't have to perform for me, either. i... won't judge. in fact, i might like you even more if you seemed more human. more relatable."
he nodded, eyes softening and mouth stretching into a relieved smile.
"thank you. that means a lot to me."
"of course."
you paused. the air between you felt thicker now, charged with everything you’d just laid bare—and yet lighter all at the same time. you'd cleared the air, gotten to tell him everything, and he'd done so in return—
you blinked.
but had you? had you really?
there was, aside from what to do about the girl with the picture, one more thing that needed to be addressed.
but... what if it ruined what you already had?
your heart hammered against your ribs like it was trying to claw its way out. you’d already handed him your scars, your worst memories, the ugly broken pieces you’d hidden from the world. what was one more risk, you reasoned?
"um... heeseung?"
"yeah?" he turned toward you fully, those warm brown eyes soft and attentive, still a little red from the emotion of the last hour.
you took a deep breath, coming to terms with potentially making a fool of yourself. with potentially making things awkward.
"i'm sorry if this is too direct or if i'm completely wrong, but... do you... like me? as more than just friends?"
heeseung’s eyes widened, lips parting in surprise. for a second he looked almost frozen, like the question had short-circuited his brain. then color flooded his face—ears, neck, all the way to the tips of his cheeks in a deep, hot pink. he opened his mouth, closed it, and suddenly looked anywhere but at you, one hand coming up to rub the back of his neck.
“i—” his voice cracked. he cleared his throat and tried again, quieter. “yeah. i do.”
your heart stopped.
he curled into himself and hid his face in his knees as the words settled in the air between you.
aw. he was surprisingly cute. it seemed he was putting that 'you don't have to perform around me' advice to use far faster than you anticipated.
you found yourself unconsciously embarrassed as well as he peered up at you, eyebrows scrunched.
"i... before all this, i thought i was fine with just being friends. i continuously tried to deny my feelings, tried to cut them off before they could get any larger... but ignoring them only made them grow bigger and bigger underneath all my excuses, and eventually, everything reached a tipping point." he straightened, slowly growing less abashed as the words continued to flow. "this mess... being away from you for a whole week, all the while thinking i might never see you again... it made me realize that i don't want to keep pretending these feelings don't exist." he locked eyes with you, and you froze—you couldn't look away even if you tried. "that i don't want to keep pretending i don't want you to be mine."
wow.
the world slowed.
your heart skipped a beat—then did five cartwheels, three backflips, and a headfirst-dive into your lungs for good measure as he took your hand, squeezing gently.
"i know this is terrible timing. i know it's sudden. and i'm really sorry—but i want to make it clear right now that i like you as more than a friend. being around you makes me happy in a way no one else can make me. being around you makes the sky bluer, the sun warmer, the air sweeter, the grass greener—being around you makes my life beautiful in a way i thought only happened in dramas. words can't express how grateful i am that i met you, and now that i've experienced losing you once, i never want to let it happen again. but..." he hesitated. "i know maybe you don't feel the same way—but i think i would have regretted it for the rest of my life if i didn't tell you how i feel right now. so... for now, thank you just for listening to me. i'm not expecting an answer from you or anything, or even—”
"i like you too."
the words slipped from your lips before you could stop them.
you blinked, watching as heeseung froze and stared, blinking dumbly in return.
"you do?"
you did.
perhaps it had also taken you a week of thinking you'd never be able to see him again to realize it, but you could see it now—
the way your heart skipped a beat when he was near, the way you felt like the only person in the room whenever he smiled so warmly at you, the way his stupid persistence—pushiness, you'd once cursed it out as—had slowly chipped away at every wall you’d built until you were standing here, raw and open and wanting. wanting him. wanting this.
whatever this was.
heeseung stared at you like you’d just told him the sky was green. his mouth opened, closed, opened again. the flush on his cheeks deepened to a shade that matched the candied strawberries you’d shared at the market not all that long ago.
“you… like me?” he repeated, voice barely above a whisper, as if saying it louder might make it disappear.
you nodded, suddenly shy under the weight of his gaze. your fingers tightened around his. “yeah. i do. i think… i have for a while. i just didn’t want to acknowledge it. it felt safer to push you away.”
he gaped at you for a few more seconds, eyes wide and unblinking as he watched you, perhaps waiting for you to say sike! just kidding!
but you didn't.
you hadn't been sure before, but now... yes, you were sure.
you liked lee heeseung. and lee heeseung liked you.
"really?"
you nodded.
he again stared dumbly—then broke out in the stupidest, goofiest, sunniest grin you'd ever seen him wear.
"fuck. holy shit, i'm so happy right now. you don't hate—no, you like me. oh my god. oh my god. i might pass out."
you laughed—not a chuckle, not a little snicker, but a full, belly-deep laugh that had you throwing your head back and slapping your knee.
"god, you're so corny—how do you even...”
you trailed off as you again found him staring.
this time, he seemed dumbstruck.
"do that again."
"huh? do what?"
"laugh. i've never seen you laugh before."
you swatted half-heartedly at him, still thinking he was joking. what was so great about your laugh?
"you really are the corniest guy, you know that?"
but he kept staring, this moonstruck, almost drunk-dazed expression creating haze over his features.
"you're so pretty."
you blushed, ducking your head.
"ugh, be quiet." you muttered, hand coming up to cover the tiny twitch of your mouth before you could start grinning stupidly yourself.
heeseung laughed—quiet, almost reverent. “i mean it. you should do it more. laugh, i mean. the whole world’s missing out.”
you rolled your eyes, but the smile tugging at your lips refused to leave. for a moment, silence settled again, comfortable this time.
then reality crept back in, slow and heavy, like cold air slipping under a door.
you pulled your hand back gently, not because you were uncomfortable with the physical contact (surprising, considering your history with boys), but because there was still one more thing. the reason you’d come back. the looming threat that had sent you running in the first place.
"heeseung? i don't mean to overreach or ask for too much, but... do you think you could help me with the girl? the girl with the photos, who said she'd send them all to everyone if i didn't stay away from you? i... i don't know if i can deal with her on my own."
"hey. that shouldn't even be a question—of course i'll help you. she's just as much my problem as she is yours..." he winced as he took his phone out. "you don't know her name or class, right? actually, i think i've found her instagram already..."
your brows scrunched at that.
"how?"
"well, see for yourself."
he opened his instagram and opened up his dms, and at the very top—a contact with a profile picture of a familiar girl that sent adrenaline-fueled chills down your spine.
even just an image of her triggered your fight or flight response, and you struggled to not look away, to avert your eyes.
"how do you have her...?"
he only clicked on the contact, and the messaging page opened up, the chat history popping to life before you.
you blinked.
countless piles upon piles of one-sided messages from her sat there, and your stomach lurched as he handed you the phone so you could scroll up—to where the messages began exactly one week ago. the day she'd cornered you in the nurses office.
hey, heeseung oppa, it's me minji. i think we've bumped into each other in the halls before! do you remember me?
i was wondering if we could talk sometime? whenever you're free ofc
i just have some important things to tell you
please? i really need to see you.
it's urgent, actually. can i swing by your practice tomorrow?
and on and on it went.
heeseung had never responded, though.
"why did you never respond?"
"oh... well... i wasn't in the best mental shape after... everything."
ah. after what you'd said and done to him.
"sorry again."
"no, no, don't worry. but this is the girl, right?"
you nodded grimly.
"well... if you wanted to confront her today, i'm pretty sure she said she'd be waiting for me on the roof after school."
indeed, as you scrolled down to the bottom of the messages, the most recent one from that morning had asked him to come to the rooftop after school.
you stared at it for a long while, the joy you'd felt while focused purely on heeseung slowly draining and being replaced with cold, sharp dread.
perhaps sensing your fear, he rested a hand on your knee, squeezing once.
"hey. don't be nervous. i'll help you all the way. i'll be right by your side the entire time. we'll find a way to get her to delete the photo. don't worry."
you looked up at heeseung, smiling wearily at the determination lighting up his eyes.
"thank you. truly."
"of course." he squeezed your knee once more before taking his phone back, stowing it away in his pocket as he said, "we should probably plan what to say, right? make a plan of action?"
you took a deep breath, nodding as your nerves settled.
"yeah. let's do this."
omgomg i'm so so sorry this took so freaking long i had all my ap tests creep up on me bruh and then i just took so long deciding which way i wanted the chapter and story in general to go. but im pretty proud of how this one turned out (i think it's the longest chapter in this series), and i hope you enjoyed!
tl: @heekolazz @souljisung @d4zednconfuzed @xrusa01 @kristynaaah @devilish-meangadh @glitterywonderlandtimemachine @baelittleddori @hopetiger10 @sievenderz @zoe1love @elliette-laine1 @livie22 @usuallyunlikelyfox @ilovepsh @6eraphim @synamon13 @morganaawriterr @wobblymug @nct-sticker-127 @won1yoiz @remwonderland-blog @heeheeswifey @angelhyuka @laikaonline @imsojuliaaaa @enhalxvr @mheretoreadff @faeriwonz @rafa3835 @sooberriesx @kateevees33 @yenienha @vixialuvs @foreveronez @firstclassjaylee @cinnamonlovr @luvkiyomi @mrsyangsikmoa @seyoungiesleeps @enhypenina @tboboee @iverrr @hanjisdoll @xolaufeyberry @bambisevanesce @nedeiii @teenagecheesecakereview @itsraininghyunebuckets @loftilylostlycanthrope
tl #2: @man-eater21 @bluepains @bamb1bgirl @imsojuliaaaaaa @lolallure @heedeer @itzmimiiiii @babyt0matoes @sstrawbxrry @kookieterry @stendy4life
OPPOSITES ATTRACT 011
IN WHICH lee heeseung learns what true joy is.
ARCHIVE ──── ✧₊⁺ 🎞️ series, opposites attract golden retriever x black cat high school!au basketballplayer!heeseung loner!reader strangers to lovers wc: 7k cw: mentions of sh, suicide
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you found yourself staring up at the entrance to the school, hands damp with sweat and wrapped around the strap of your bag with the force of a lethal chokehold.
well. this certainly was not stressful as fuck. you definitely weren't shitting your pants where you stood.
the shadow of the building felt more like the shadow of a grim reaper that had come to collect your soul—had you died of a stroke thanks to all the cortisol flooding your systems?
maybe that would be more of a mercy than what was about to happen.
but you took a breath, steeling yourself against the thought of everything that could go wrong—
and took the first step forward.
you'd arrived early for once, in hopes that you'd be able to avoid the crowd and make it to your seat without fuss.
though nobody besides heeseung had noticed your absence, probably.
and that girl, perhaps.
you hadn't even learned her name, you realized with a cringe. probably a dumb move considering everything, but the thought of surfing instagram to find it...?
you'd already been nervous enough thinking about confronting her. the idea of having to see her face prematurely, even through a screen, was daunting.
god. when had you become such a coward? your mom was right. enough was enough. it was time to man up.
you made it to your classroom in one piece, thanking god you didn't run into anyone you knew—namely, heeseung. or the girl.
you sunk into your seat with a sigh, clutching your bag to your chest and squeezing it like it was one of the cloud-soft plushies on your bed.
you were the only one in the room, the teacher nowhere to be seen. it was just you and the ominous tick tock of the clock, the hands counting down the minutes until heeseung would inevitably arrive.
what would you even do when he came? what would you say? how would you act? did he hate you now? would he treat you differently after you'd cut ties with him so coldly?
you sighed again, shaking your head to clear it and turning to look out the window—
heeseung was there.
you jolted, heart stopping as you made eye contact with the boy you'd been so torn up over—had your overwhelming thoughts manifested him?!
truly, luck was not on your side today.
his eyes widened as he spotted you through the window three stories up, and he seemed frozen for a moment, glued to the ground mid-step—
your body moved before you could think. before you could stop it, your hand came up to give him the tiniest of waves—
it seemed heeseung's body began moving on its own as well, as he broke out into a surging sprint that shot him out of your line of sight and into the building.
well fuck.
you wanted to curl up into a ball, or perhaps lock the door to your classroom as you sat frozen in your chair.
heeseung was on his way. and he'd be here any second now with how fast he was running.
oh, you weren't ready for this. you weren't ready to see him. you thought you'd have time, that you'd be able to deliberate over what to say, how to say it, that you would tell him everything after school. that you'd be able to compose yourself and steel your mind—
bam!
the door slammed open, and heeseung stumbled in, panting and hunched over and wearing this expression that you just couldn't describe as he lurched forward—
huh?
and suddenly he was in front of you, kneeling before your seat as he wrapped his arms around you and buried his face in the crook of your neck.
"i missed you," he mumbled, chest still heaving from his dash into the building and up the multiple flights of stairs. "i missed you so much."
his unexpected show of affection—or perhaps it was the fact that he did not blame you, did not treat you coldly like you expected—caught you off guard, threw you off balance.
maybe that was what allowed those damn words to slip through.
"i missed you too," you whispered, a hand coming to rest on his back awkwardly.
he seemed to breathe a sigh of relief—or perhaps it was just a forceful exhale as he continued to gulp down air—as he melted into you a little.
"but... aren't you mad at me? for what i said?"
he pulled away to look you in the eyes, head cocking.
"huh? of course not. sad, sure, but not angry. i was more angry at myself for not taking your feelings into consideration... if anything, you should be angry at me—”
you shook your head, jaw clenching. "no, no, i didn't mean it. any of it. everything i said was untrue. i... i was..." you stumbled over your words, hesitating. what should you say?
"it's okay. take your time." heeseung patted your clenched hands reassuringly, a kind smile brightening his face.
you exhaled, massaging your temples. where should you even start?
"i... i was... someone..." you cleared your throat, inhaling deeply in a futile attempt to calm yourself down. "um... there's a lot i have to explain, but before i say anything else, i should probably tell you some things about myself..."
you fidgeted with the hem of your uniform's skirt, throat tightening as he nodded, listening intently.
"i—”
the door slammed open, and in poured a group of your classmates, chattering and laughing and shouting—
you tried to jerk away from heeseung, tried to push him away, the action more instinct than intention, but heeseung kept his feet firmly planted even as your hands unconsciously shoved at his shoulders.
"hey. do you wanna get out of here?" he stood and shifted so he was the only thing in your line of sight, his broad shoulders creating a private room just for you two.
you blinked.
"i mean, i know you missed school for a week so maybe skipping another day isn't possible, but it seems like you'd be more comfortable talking somewhere else—”
"yes."
you stood instantly, making him jolt back in surprise—but it only lasted a heartbeat before he smiled gently, extending a hand towards you.
"alright. let's go."
you took it.
you could feel curious gazes following you as you followed heeseung out of the room, hand in hand, door shutting with a sharp clack behind you.
but honestly? you didn't care as much as you thought you would.
you could only focus on the feel of heeseung's hand wrapped around yours—you had no idea it was so big. or callused. or warm.
you didn't even realize you'd exited the building until a burst of sunlight hit your face, blinding you.
you looked back down to where heeseung continued to lead you past the school gates, ignoring the inquisitive stares of the small stream of students going the other way.
"where should we go?" he asked as you finally made it out, stepping past the gates, outside the boundaries of the school property.
you were free.
you thought for a moment, staring at where your hands were joined—perhaps he thought you didn't like it, (did you?) ripping his hand away, face flushing as he realized what, exactly, he'd been doing. "sorry! i don't think before i act sometimes, and i get carried away easily—"
"no, no, don't worry. i..." you hesitated. "i didn't hate it."
"thank goodness." he seemed to deflate, all the tension he'd gone stiff with melting away. "now, where would you be most comfortable talking?"
"hm..." again pondering the question, you crossed your arms over your chest. somewhere secluded would be best. somewhere you were comfortable. somewhere you didn't have to worry about being overheard. somewhere you could be alone.
"... would my place work?" you remembered the first time he'd come over—that time, he'd been the one to suggest going to your place—now, amazingly, you'd willingly volunteered up your apartment. "only if you're comfortable, of course."
"no, no, i should be the one saying that. are you sure?"
you nodded. your mom was gone, smacking you with a stern warning to go to school (and confront your problems) in the morning, before begrudgingly leaving for work. there was no one that would interrupt you.
"okay, then. let's go."
when heeseung stepped into your apartment this time, it didn't feel quite so awkward. some traces of bumbling nervousness remained as he toed his shoes off, hanging his bag on the rack by the door as you invited him up into the main living space, but otherwise he seemed composed. his eyes didn't roam and he wasn't shocked by anything he saw as he came up. he didn't feel quite so out of place.
everything was familiar. the wallpaper remained old and dinged up. the couch still sagged. the lights continued to flicker once in a while. the fridge still hummed too loud.
nothing had changed. that is, nothing except you two.
you'd changed—in the span of the few weeks you'd known each other, you'd changed. your relationship, the air between you two—had changed.
and now, after all this—
it would change again. for better or for worse, that was still to be determined.
you gestured for him to take a seat on the sagging couch, and he did so gingerly, perhaps scared it would collapse under him. but though old it was sturdy, and stood strong under his weight as you got refreshments to fight the summer heat. the early-morning chill which had kept you from sweating underneath your long-sleeved uniform slowly turned into the usual stifling heat of the midday, and you again had to remind yourself not to roll your sleeves up.
not yet, at least.
you handed heeseung his cup of iced tea, taking a long swig from your own as you joined him on the couch.
"why are you nervous? i'm the one who should be nervous right now," you said as you noticed his bouncing leg. "don't tell me it's about coming over when no one else is home. we've done it before, remember?"
"no! it's just... it's been a stressful week, you know."
"... because of me?"
he looked like he wanted to say no—but you knew from his poorly-concealed wince that it was.
you sighed, setting your glass down on the coffee table.
"i... i need to apologize for everything. i've been a terrible—" you stumbled a bit on the word. "—friend. i'm sorry for saying everything that i said that day. none of it was true. i'm sorry for ghosting you. i'm sorry for making you worry. for giving you a hard time. for not speaking to you and communicating when i should have."
he turned to face you, watching you silently as you chewed on your bottom lip, giving you the silence and space you needed to think, to come up with the words you wanted to say, to get everything out without having to worry about a response. he simply listened, digesting your words and sitting with a calmness, a stillness that didn't match the impression you had of him in your head.
"i want to... no, i need to tell you some things. if you really want to be friends, if you want to see who i really am, if you want to know why i did what i did and said what i said, there are some things that you have to know about me. about my past."
you took a breath as you thought, clasping your hands together and leaning forward onto your knees as you continued.
"i... don't know if i'm going to tell you too much, or if you even want to hear about any of this—"
"i do." his voice was unlike anything you'd heard before. "i want to know more about you."
you nodded, unable to look up at him. you took another breath. it trembled—and yet you went on.
"in middle school, i was friends with this girl. we were best friends at the time. we did everything together. i trusted her with everything, and she did the same with me. i thought... i thought we'd be together forever, you know? it was that kind of friendship."
it hurt as you recalled her face, her laugh, the way she glowed when she smiled. all things you'd buried so far away, so deep after everything that happened, that dragging them out now caused you physical pain. your heart hurt as you remembered her smiling face.
"she liked this boy." you had to pause, blinking as your throat suddenly constricted and your hands squeezed tighter around each other. how long ago had it been since you allowed yourself to really remember, to truly think about and process everything that had happened? everything you went through? "like, really liked him. she'd always talk to me about him; get all giddy anytime they interacted. she'd talk to everybody about him, actually—the whole class knew about her thing for him. and i was rooting for them, you know? i told her as much every time. and he did seem interested in her for a little, and they even became friends, but then... everything went downhill."
you didn't even realize your leg was bouncing hard enough to rattle the coffee table until heeseung gently laid a hand on your knee, squeezing once. you didn't look up from where you were staring smoldering holes into the coffee table, but you sighed, nodding gratefully.
"he confessed to me. in front of the entire class. he told her that he wasn't interested in her, that he'd only gotten closer to her to get closer to me. and, well... she didn't take it very well. needless to say, she cut our friendship off immediately. and i get it—she was embarresed, she was sad, she was angry. but then she began accusing me of... of backstabbing her, going behind her back to steal him, and even—" your throat closed up as the striking parallels to your present situation made themsleves laughably visible. "even sleeping with him to get him to like me, just to humiliate her."
you laughed humorlessly as you felt heeseung tense next to you.
"we were in middle school. his dick probably wasn't even fully formed at that point. but it didn't matter. she told everyone who'd listen her sob story, got their pity. and i... no one believed me when i said i didn't. that i didn't even like him. everyone thought i was a lying, backstabbing, easy, slutty bitch who'd slept with her best friend's 'boyfriend'—mind you, they weren't even dating. he didn't even like her. but stories and rumors tend to get blown out of proportion when they circulate, and soon the whole school knew about me. the one who slept with her best friend's 'boyfriend.'"
his hand tightened on your knee, but still he remained silent. he let you take your time as you closed your eyes, your hands coming up to cup your mouth and nose as you inhaled slowly.
memories of those times—the glares in the hallways, the name-calling, the bullying, and everything else, came crashing back, and you had to remind yourself that you were past that now. that it had been years and years, and you weren't there anymore. you were okay. you were okay. you were okay.
you were going to be okay.
"i... after all my other friends ditched me, i became the perfect target for bullies. i was alone. vulnerable. there was no one who'd stick up for me. and i was a 'bad person'—of course nobody would feel bad for me. so... people began bullying me. it started out small—name-calling, mean notes, teasing. but it got worse, so much worse, when they realized they could get away with it. when they realized i wouldn't tell anyone."
you opened your eyes, filled with so much pain that heeseung's heart broke.
"they'd shove me into lockers. drag me into the bathroom and dunk my head into the toilets. pour spoiled milk on me. throw away my food. shove me around. hit me, even. kick me. i did tae-kwon do at the time, so bruises weren't uncommon. no one questioned a few more." you laughed again. "funny, right? i did martial arts—i even won medals—and yet i couldn't even defend myself against them. i was too scared. i thought they'd come after me even more, do worse things, if i fought back. so i let them do whatever they wanted. it got... it got really bad. my mom was—and still is—never home beacuse of work. school was a nightmare. i couldn't get away from them, couldn't hide. they'd make every minute of school hell. and even after school ended, they'd sometimes keep me with them. there was this abandoned building near school that no one ever went by. they'd take me there. make me do all these humiliating things as they recorded. sometimes the guys would even—"
you paused, growing nauseous at the memories.
"sometimes they'd make me take off... my clothes. not all the way, but..." you paused as you felt heeseung's hand tighten around your knee to an almost painful extent. you finally mustered the courage to look up, to look at heeseung's face—
it was blank. almost terrifyingly so. but his eyes, the way the hand on your knee was shaking—
you looked away quickly, before you could psyche yourself out, before you could truly process the extent of everything you were telling him. that you were offering up the deepest, darkest, dirtiest parts of yourself, that you were offering up everything, that you were offering up yourself to him. up to his judgement. to this boy you'd barely known for a few months.
"sometimes they touched me. sometimes they hit me. they recorded everything, of course. they threatened to send it all to their class groupchats if i said anything. so i stayed quiet. and it just kept going on and on, and i didn't know when it would stop. if it would ever stop. my mental state got really bad. i... i did a lot of things i'm not proud of."
you sat up, taking a deep breath as you stared down at your sleeves. and then slowly, slowly rolled them up.
and then there they were.
thin, silvery-pale stripes that criss-crossed your forearms from your wrists to your elbows. your scars. your physical reminders of everything you hated that would never, ever leave you.
this was the first time you'd voluntarily showed them to anyone besides your mother.
heeseung's heart dropped into his ass as he stared at them.
"i... for a long time, i really wanted to die. i thought about it all the time. but in the end, i was too scared to do that, too. so this was what i did to cope. this was the only thing that made me feel like i had even a little bit of control in my life. at least this pain i could predict. i could control." you shook your head. "god, i was so stupid. i stopped after my mom found out. she made me tell her everything. it was only a few more weeks until middle school ended, so even though she wanted to pull me out immedietely i stuck it out until the end. then we moved here."
your leg began bouncing again.
"i started going to high school, and i was so, so wary. i didn't want to make friends again, didn't want to draw any attention for the rest of my time here. i didn't make any friends the first two years. didn't make any enemies, either. i just... minded my own business. i was thankful. happy, even. being alone peacefully was infinitely better than risking going through middle school again. and then, well. you came along."
finally, finally you mustered up the courage to look up at heeseung again. this time, his anger was palpable. his sadness, too. but he didn't interrupt. simply kept listening intently, allowing you to continue.
"i... i really mistrusted you at first. i wanted nothing to do with you. i thought that surely your kindness had to be a ploy of some kind. that you had some ulterior motive to being so goddamn nice. that you showing me warmth and decency that i hadn't seen in years had to be some attempt to humiliate me, or sleep with me, or get something out of me. i guess i was stupider—or lonelier—than i thought, because somehow you actually got through to me. all your stupid attempts at friendship actually worked. and for a few weeks, i was actually happy..."
he hid all hints of the hot, coursing anger that pumped through his veins; the crashing, painful sadness, from his face as he smiled down at you—but it quickly faded as you continued.
"but... something happened recently—the same day i said all those awful things to you. do you remember that time we went to that street market for our project? when we missed the last bus and we had to stay in that motel?"
oh he remembered all right. he nodded as the memory of the way your heat had seeped through his clothes as he'd awoken with your limbs twined around him flashed through his brain.
"this girl...i dont know who she is, but she had a picture of us standing in front of the motel the morning after. she got it from a friend who recognized you, apprently. obviously it looks pretty bad without any context, you know? and i guess she must like you and wanted me out of the picture, but she... she told me that if i didn't cut ties with you she'd send the picture to everyone."
you sighed.
"that scared the shit out of me. i thought it would be middle school all over again. so i immediately did everything she told me to. i asked to be changed classes, or even just seats, but after that didn't happen i panicked. i said all that shit to you, and then just stopped showing up to school. i didn't even want the possibility of her seeing us together, of her assuming anything—and i hurt you because of it. because of my cowardice. i'm sorry."
he didn't reply, only stared blankly at you as you watched him, worried.
"i'm sorry about dumping all of this on you all of the sudden. i know it was a lot. if you see me differently, or don't want to be friends anymore—"
"can i give you a hug?"
huh?
you nodded dumbly, not sure how to react—
then his arms were around you.
and you were surrounded by nothing but him, and everything felt far away. all your problems seemed to be muted, blocked out, warded away by a barrier of heeseung.
you felt so safe. so warm. so... loved.
and maybe remembering and sharing your past had left you off-balance, had left you vulnerable and tender in all the wrong (or right) places, or perhaps you finally felt safe and protected enough to do so, but—
you began crying.
tears sprung up in your eyes suddenly as you buried your face in his chest and his chin came to rest on the top of your skull, one hand cradling the back of your head, the other wrapped tightly around your midsection. your shoulders shook, at first lightly and then in jolting tremors as your sobs began to wrack your body, breaths sawing in and out of your violently heaving chest as you, for the first time since middle school, cried.
"let it all out. you don't have to hold back." heeseung murmered as you gasped and sobbed, the almost five years of accumulated agony and loneliness and fear finally catching up to you, crashing over you, overwhelming as you finally let yourself feel everything in its entirety.
you stayed like that for god knows how long, you crying and trembling and him rubbing your back soothingly, never letting go.
when you finally stilled, tears running dry, he still didn't let go. but he started speaking, the vibrations of his voice rumbling against your face as you stayed pressed up against him.
"first of all, before anything else—i'm so, so glad you're still here. that you didn't give up. even if it was hard. even if it was painful. even if it was scary. you did a great job." his voice was steady, but you could feel the way his hands tightened in your hair and around your shoulder as the words left him. "i'm so sorry you had to go through what you did. no one deserves to be treated that way. if i could beat all those fuckers into the ground right now, i would." a pause. "second. you are incredibly, incredibly brave, and i respect you so much for finding the courage to tell me all of this. trusting me to hear everything, even though it must've been scary, must've been hard. i... feel like i understand you so much better now. i feel like i can finally see you for who you are, without all the walls."
you only nodded against him, throat still tight and throbbing.
"...thank you for listening.
“of course.”
a soothing silence fell between you two, and the rhythmic motion of his hand running through your hair lulled you into a tranquil null.
“...would you like to hear some things about me in return?”
“you don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to.”
“i want to. after everything you trusted me with, i want you to know me too. the real me.”
you nodded again, finally pulling back so you could look him in the face. neither of you balked, even as you both processed what you'd just been doing. what it did or didn't mean.
"my story starts in middle school, too. i was pretty different from how i am now—i didn't have many friends, and i wasn't very loud, either. i was awkward and stuck to myself a lot, just trying to stay out of the way. i know, crazy right? you wouldn't expect it looking at me now." he chuckles, yet the sound is more self-deprecating than amused. "i was a lot like you are right now. i tried my best to blend into the background, to not draw any attention to myself. i thought... i thought i was fine being alone. and i was—for a long time, i was. but... i was lonely. my parents were—are never home, a lot like your mom. my older brother was already in college at that time. and one day, i honestly just got... sick of it. being alone."
he leaned back against the couch, sighing as he allowed his head to rest against the wall.
"needless to say, me being my gangly, awkward, nervous, introverted, lame self made making friends hard. even though i tried my best, no one liked the person i was back then. the harder i tried the more i was teased, made fun of—nothing even close to what you went through, but it still hurt, you know?" it was your turn to rest your hand on his knee as it began bouncing. he glanced over at you, smiling gratefully. "so i changed. i practiced speaking in the mirror until i became confident enough not to stumble over my words. i practiced smiling until it looked perfect and became second nature. i watched videos and listened to podcasts on how to pick up social cues. i started keeping track of trends. i'd always messed around with basketball with my brother, but it was then i decided to get serious and join the school team. i worked my butt off to get better, until i was the best one on the team—and that naturally drew people to me. and i finally got a damn haircut—which is what made the biggest difference, in my opinion." he laughed this time, yet his eyes betrayed his sadness.
"by the end of middle school i became the person you see today—social, outgoing, good at speaking. and i'm happy with the friends i made, really. i love them all. but honestly? sometimes, it feels like i'm lying to them. like i'm lying to everyone. they don't know that the confident, fun person they see, the person they've come to love, still gets exhausted from big crowds. still has to think over his words before he says them. double-checks his jokes to make sure they make sense. still gets nervous when he talks to people, even if he doesn't show it."
you watched silently as he turned again to you, looking right at you with those big, soft, earnest eyes that had something in your heart breaking.
"i know you must still be confused, even now, as to why i latched on to you out of the blue in the beginning. why i was so eager to be friends with you. why i went to such lengths to bother you, to get closer to you. and if you want an honest answer as to why, it's that i saw my old self in you. and i felt that... maybe you'd be able to see me for who i really am—without judging. without being disappointed. without leaving me. i thought that maybe you'd be able to like me for who i am underneath the basketball player, the star student, the life of the party, the smooth talker—like me just for me."
you stared at him, watched as he averted his eyes, a flush blooming across his cheeks and spreading to the tips of his ears.
"oh, heeseung. i'm... i'm sorry i never noticed you were struggling like that. i—i've just been so wrapped up in my own problems, my own head—i never really paid much attention to you. i'm sorry—”
"no! don't be sorry. what are you even apologizing for?" he cut you off quickly, voice panicked as he shook his head furiously. "i was just trying to make sure you understood i didn't approach you with any bad intentions, since i know i must've come off really strong in the beginning, which i'm again really sorry for—”
"no, i'm sorry for not being good at—”
"no, i'm sorry for—”
"no, i'm sorry for—”
you both tried to apologize over each other, voices rising until you were sure the neighbors would hear you, finally peaking before you both stopped to catch your breath, silently calling a truce before either of you could die from asphyxiation.
before heeseung could open his mouth, you spoke up first.
"okay. before you say anything else, let me say a few things. first, your friends right now—jay, jake, sunoo, that group—they all seem like really nice, caring people. i'm sure even if you didn't perform for them like you do everyone else, they'd still love you just the same—so don't be scared to let loose around them, you know?"
pfft. rich coming from someone like you.
he nodded, watching as you put two fingers up. "second..." you hesitated. "you don't have to perform for me, either. i... won't judge. in fact, i might like you even more if you seemed more human. more relatable."
he nodded, eyes softening and mouth stretching into a relieved smile.
"thank you. that means a lot to me."
"of course."
you paused. the air between you felt thicker now, charged with everything you’d just laid bare—and yet lighter all at the same time. you'd cleared the air, gotten to tell him everything, and he'd done so in return—
you blinked.
but had you? had you really?
there was, aside from what to do about the girl with the picture, one more thing that needed to be addressed.
but... what if it ruined what you already had?
your heart hammered against your ribs like it was trying to claw its way out. you’d already handed him your scars, your worst memories, the ugly broken pieces you’d hidden from the world. what was one more risk, you reasoned?
"um... heeseung?"
"yeah?" he turned toward you fully, those warm brown eyes soft and attentive, still a little red from the emotion of the last hour.
you took a deep breath, coming to terms with potentially making a fool of yourself. with potentially making things awkward.
"i'm sorry if this is too direct or if i'm completely wrong, but... do you... like me? as more than just friends?"
heeseung’s eyes widened, lips parting in surprise. for a second he looked almost frozen, like the question had short-circuited his brain. then color flooded his face—ears, neck, all the way to the tips of his cheeks in a deep, hot pink. he opened his mouth, closed it, and suddenly looked anywhere but at you, one hand coming up to rub the back of his neck.
“i—” his voice cracked. he cleared his throat and tried again, quieter. “yeah. i do.”
your heart stopped.
he curled into himself and hid his face in his knees as the words settled in the air between you.
aw. he was surprisingly cute. it seemed he was putting that 'you don't have to perform around me' advice to use far faster than you anticipated.
you found yourself unconsciously embarrassed as well as he peered up at you, eyebrows scrunched.
"i... before all this, i thought i was fine with just being friends. i continuously tried to deny my feelings, tried to cut them off before they could get any larger... but ignoring them only made them grow bigger and bigger underneath all my excuses, and eventually, everything reached a tipping point." he straightened, slowly growing less abashed as the words continued to flow. "this mess... being away from you for a whole week, all the while thinking i might never see you again... it made me realize that i don't want to keep pretending these feelings don't exist." he locked eyes with you, and you froze—you couldn't look away even if you tried. "that i don't want to keep pretending i don't want you to be mine."
wow.
the world slowed.
your heart skipped a beat—then did five cartwheels, three backflips, and a headfirst-dive into your lungs for good measure as he took your hand, squeezing gently.
"i know this is terrible timing. i know it's sudden. and i'm really sorry—but i want to make it clear right now that i like you as more than a friend. being around you makes me happy in a way no one else can make me. being around you makes the sky bluer, the sun warmer, the air sweeter, the grass greener—being around you makes my life beautiful in a way i thought only happened in dramas. words can't express how grateful i am that i met you, and now that i've experienced losing you once, i never want to let it happen again. but..." he hesitated. "i know maybe you don't feel the same way—but i think i would have regretted it for the rest of my life if i didn't tell you how i feel right now. so... for now, thank you just for listening to me. i'm not expecting an answer from you or anything, or even—”
"i like you too."
the words slipped from your lips before you could stop them.
you blinked, watching as heeseung froze and stared, blinking dumbly in return.
"you do?"
you did.
perhaps it had also taken you a week of thinking you'd never be able to see him again to realize it, but you could see it now—
the way your heart skipped a beat when he was near, the way you felt like the only person in the room whenever he smiled so warmly at you, the way his stupid persistence—pushiness, you'd once cursed it out as—had slowly chipped away at every wall you’d built until you were standing here, raw and open and wanting. wanting him. wanting this.
whatever this was.
heeseung stared at you like you’d just told him the sky was green. his mouth opened, closed, opened again. the flush on his cheeks deepened to a shade that matched the candied strawberries you’d shared at the market not all that long ago.
“you… like me?” he repeated, voice barely above a whisper, as if saying it louder might make it disappear.
you nodded, suddenly shy under the weight of his gaze. your fingers tightened around his. “yeah. i do. i think… i have for a while. i just didn’t want to acknowledge it. it felt safer to push you away.”
he gaped at you for a few more seconds, eyes wide and unblinking as he watched you, perhaps waiting for you to say sike! just kidding!
but you didn't.
you hadn't been sure before, but now... yes, you were sure.
you liked lee heeseung. and lee heeseung liked you.
"really?"
you nodded.
he again stared dumbly—then broke out in the stupidest, goofiest, sunniest grin you'd ever seen him wear.
"fuck. holy shit, i'm so happy right now. you don't hate—no, you like me. oh my god. oh my god. i might pass out."
you laughed—not a chuckle, not a little snicker, but a full, belly-deep laugh that had you throwing your head back and slapping your knee.
"god, you're so corny—how do you even...”
you trailed off as you again found him staring.
this time, he seemed dumbstruck.
"do that again."
"huh? do what?"
"laugh. i've never seen you laugh before."
you swatted half-heartedly at him, still thinking he was joking. what was so great about your laugh?
"you really are the corniest guy, you know that?"
but he kept staring, this moonstruck, almost drunk-dazed expression creating haze over his features.
"you're so pretty."
you blushed, ducking your head.
"ugh, be quiet." you muttered, hand coming up to cover the tiny twitch of your mouth before you could start grinning stupidly yourself.
heeseung laughed—quiet, almost reverent. “i mean it. you should do it more. laugh, i mean. the whole world’s missing out.”
you rolled your eyes, but the smile tugging at your lips refused to leave. for a moment, silence settled again, comfortable this time.
then reality crept back in, slow and heavy, like cold air slipping under a door.
you pulled your hand back gently, not because you were uncomfortable with the physical contact (surprising, considering your history with boys), but because there was still one more thing. the reason you’d come back. the looming threat that had sent you running in the first place.
"heeseung? i don't mean to overreach or ask for too much, but... do you think you could help me with the girl? the girl with the photos, who said she'd send them all to everyone if i didn't stay away from you? i... i don't know if i can deal with her on my own."
"hey. that shouldn't even be a question—of course i'll help you. she's just as much my problem as she is yours..." he winced as he took his phone out. "you don't know her name or class, right? actually, i think i've found her instagram already..."
your brows scrunched at that.
"how?"
"well, see for yourself."
he opened his instagram and opened up his dms, and at the very top—a contact with a profile picture of a familiar girl that sent adrenaline-fueled chills down your spine.
even just an image of her triggered your fight or flight response, and you struggled to not look away, to avert your eyes.
"how do you have her...?"
he only clicked on the contact, and the messaging page opened up, the chat history popping to life before you.
you blinked.
countless piles upon piles of one-sided messages from her sat there, and your stomach lurched as he handed you the phone so you could scroll up—to where the messages began exactly one week ago. the day she'd cornered you in the nurses office.
hey, heeseung oppa, it's me minji. i think we've bumped into each other in the halls before! do you remember me?
i was wondering if we could talk sometime? whenever you're free ofc
i just have some important things to tell you
please? i really need to see you.
it's urgent, actually. can i swing by your practice tomorrow?
and on and on it went.
heeseung had never responded, though.
"why did you never respond?"
"oh... well... i wasn't in the best mental shape after... everything."
ah. after what you'd said and done to him.
"sorry again."
"no, no, don't worry. but this is the girl, right?"
you nodded grimly.
"well... if you wanted to confront her today, i'm pretty sure she said she'd be waiting for me on the roof after school."
indeed, as you scrolled down to the bottom of the messages, the most recent one from that morning had asked him to come to the rooftop after school.
you stared at it for a long while, the joy you'd felt while focused purely on heeseung slowly draining and being replaced with cold, sharp dread.
perhaps sensing your fear, he rested a hand on your knee, squeezing once.
"hey. don't be nervous. i'll help you all the way. i'll be right by your side the entire time. we'll find a way to get her to delete the photo. don't worry."
you looked up at heeseung, smiling wearily at the determination lighting up his eyes.
"thank you. truly."
"of course." he squeezed your knee once more before taking his phone back, stowing it away in his pocket as he said, "we should probably plan what to say, right? make a plan of action?"
you took a deep breath, nodding as your nerves settled.
"yeah. let's do this."
omgomg i'm so so sorry this took so freaking long i had all my ap tests creep up on me bruh and then i just took so long deciding which way i wanted the chapter and story in general to go. but im pretty proud of how this one turned out (i think it's the longest chapter in this series), and i hope you enjoyed!
also this is very much not proofread at all so if you find any spelling or grammar mistakes or weird ahh types pls lmk im so sorry i'm finishing this up at 1 am 😭✌️
tl: @heekolazz @souljisung @d4zednconfuzed @xrusa01 @kristynaaah @devilish-meangadh @glitterywonderlandtimemachine @baelittleddori @hopetiger10 @sievenderz @zoe1love @elliette-laine1 @livie22 @usuallyunlikelyfox @ilovepsh @6eraphim @synamon13 @morganaawriterr @wobblymug @nct-sticker-127 @won1yoiz @remwonderland-blog @heeheeswifey @angelhyuka @laikaonline @imsojuliaaaa @enhalxvr @mheretoreadff @faeriwonz @rafa3835 @sooberriesx @kateevees33 @yenienha @vixialuvs @foreveronez @firstclassjaylee @cinnamonlovr @luvkiyomi @mrsyangsikmoa @seyoungiesleeps @enhypenina @tboboee @iverrr @hanjisdoll @xolaufeyberry @bambisevanesce @nedeiii @teenagecheesecakereview @itsraininghyunebuckets @loftilylostlycanthrope
i'm almost done guys 😼
WHEN EVERYONE ELSE IS GONE
IN WHICH kakashi hadn’t been expecting to lose everyone. his whole team—obito, then rin, then his sensei. it seemed like everyone he loved was slipping through his fingers one after the other—except for you. only you were left now—and so he clung to you like a man lost at sea would cling to a piece of driftwood.
ARCHIVE ──── ✧₊⁺ 🈁 oneshot kakashi x fem!reader angst hurt/comfort fluff team 7
it was after the fourth hokage’s funeral that kakashi found you.
you’d been standing silently with your chin dipped and eyes closed as the village—for indeed, it seemed as if the entirety of konoha had come—took a moment of silence for the hokage, his wife, and the many others that had lost their lives in the nine tails attack.
some wept. some glared at the ground. some stared blankly at the sky. yet all grieved for the lost, most of all for their beloved hokage and his wife. a beautiful young couple lost too early.
yet none grieved more than kakashi. even though he did not weep or glare, his heart broke more loudly than any other.
minato had been a second father to him, and kushina a mother. there was no bottom to the well of grief that he’d been dropped into. that he’d slowly been slipping into as more and more of his heart cracked and splintered off, until only one shard was left—you.
you’d been there for him after every loss. at every funeral. at night, you’d hold him in your arms, rocking him gently without a word—you did not offer comforting words or promises that everything would be alright. because that was something you couldn’t guarantee. but you were there. and for him, that was enough. a reminder that there was someone left out there who still cared for him, who’d hold and love him. that was enough.
and now, once again, he found himself in your arms.
the rain hadn’t let up the whole day, continuing into the night—yet the pitter-patter faded into the background as you shut the curtains, joining kakashi on your bed.
you said nothing as he laid down, resting his head on your lap—his eyes remained half-lidded, staring at nothing as you wove your fingers through his silver locks, massaging his scalp gently.
silence once again flooded the room, the only sound the distant drumming of rain against the windows and roof, the faint sound of breathing, and the groan of the mattress as you shifted your weight.
kakashi sat up suddenly, taking your hands in his as he twisted to face you. “y/n.” his voice was raspy from disuse, and his eyes were bright with pain. “you won’t leave me, too, right? promise you won’t leave me.”
you only shook your head, throat clogging at the desperation dripping from his very being. “you know i can’t. i’m a shinobi. in this field, we never know when we’ll die.”
“then—then retire. quit being a shinobi. i’ll pay for everything; i’ll make sure you ‘re happy and comfortable. so just…please…” he trailed off as you, again, shook your head.
“i’m sorry, kakashi, but i can’t just run away when there’s danger, you know? i’m a proud shinobi of the leaf, i can’t just quit. i—we—both have an obligation to this village. it’s our home. if we don’t protect it, who will?”
“there will always be someone else to take your spot. always. we have so many up-and-coming genin, so many—we can afford to lose one shinobi—” you silenced him with a finger to his masked lips.
“i am a jonin, kakashi. we form the backbone of konoha’s fighting force. even the loss of one is devastating. you understand this, too. do not let your emotions cloud your judgement.” it was what you both had been told your entire lives. the same rule that every shinobi in all the lands abided by. or tried to, at least.
he wilted before your eyes, seemingly shrinking as he lowered himself again, surrendering himself to your soothing ministrations.
there was a pregnant pause before he spoke again. “then…promise me you’ll stay alive as long as you can.”
“mm. i promise.”
“good.” he nuzzled his face into your lap, inhaling deeply “good.”
he exhaled. “if we both survive long enough…i swear i’ll marry you. is that ok with you?”
you laughed. “yes, kakashi. that’s ok with me.”
“kakashi-sensei! you’re late!”
three genin stood in front of the silver-haired jonin, one with his arms crossed and off to the side, the other two with accusatory fingers and glares pointed in the direction of their teacher.
“aha, sorry! on my way here, a black cat crossed my road, you see…”
“liar! you probably overslept or something!” the loudest and most obnoxious one stepped forward, voice resonating through the air as his blond haired swayed in the wind.
“now, now…” kakashi put his hands up in front of his in an appeasing manner. “let’s calm down…”
“nah, i bet kakashi-sensei was enjoying a nice, hot breakfast made by his wife this morning while we had to wait out in the cold since dawn! isn’t that right, sensei?!” the pinkette on the blond’s right exclaimed, emerald eyes burning with anger at her sensei.
“a-ahaha…wait, how did you know i have a wife?”
“the ring on your finger, duh!” she exclaimed, gesturing towards it—and yet it was seemingly the first time either of her teammates had noticed it, both the uzumaki and uchiha’s eyes going wide as saucers at the band of silver.
“wait wait wait, kakashi-sensei has a what now?!?”
i luv kakashi but yk who i love more tobirama
damn i think i have a type guys
ok i lied the next chap isn't coming today... sorry everyone...
but dw it's coming soon i promise im almost done...