NCIS as John Mulaney Quotes

In this house, we stan two (2) people, John Mulaney and Cote de Pablo. This blog is pure crack, don't judge me.

[mulaneyatncis]

Now there’s new Nazis. I don’t care for these new Nazis and you may quote me on that.

Ziva (coming back to the American shitshow)

[mulaneyatncis]

First off, get out of here with your facts. You’re like the kid at the sleepover who, after midnight, is like, “It’s tomorrow now!” Get the fuck out of here with your technicalities. Just ’cause you’re accurate does not mean you’re interesting. "That was fun when we watched Beetlejuice tonight." “Don’t you mean last night? It’s after midnight.” "Why don’t you get your sleeping bag and get out of my house! Take your EpiPen, take your goddamn EpiPen and get out of my house!"

Tony (when McGee corrects him)

[mulaneyatncis]

If we must go on with Salt alone, we will go on with Salt alone!

Ducky (Thanksgiving, when they can’t find the pepper)

[mulaneyatncis]

Let’s say a kidnapper throws you in the back of a trunk. Don’t panic. [chuckles] Once you get your bearings… find the carpet that covers the taillight, peel back the carpet, make a fist, punch the taillight out the back of the car, thus creating a hole in the back of the automobile, then stick your little hand out and wave to oncoming motorists to let them know that something hinky is going on.

Tony (teaching his children about Street Smarts)

[vanschapman]

Nobody:

Nobody:

Absolutely truly nobody:

Ziva: Do you want me to kill that guy for you? Cause it sounds like he sucks, and I will totally kill that guy for you.

[mulaneyatncis]

Okay NCIS fandom, let's have a chat.

1) it's fully acceptable to like something problematic. The show has been homophobic, sexist, xenophobic, islamaphobic, and Zionist for its entire run. If you liked it before what Pauley Perette said, I don't know why you need to discredit her in order to keep liking it.

Guys, my favorite character is Tony. He's played by an asshole, and his character was a homophobic sexist piece of shit for the first few seasons. It's okay to like trash, just do it without saying it's not trash.

2) stop saying if it was true they'd kick him off the show, Michael Weatherly is still around CBS, and probably gonna guest star on NCIS as well as leading Bull in the fall, isn't he?

3) you do not need to take a side here, you don't have the information, so stop.

4) if it was such a baseless lie, why did Jennifer Esposito like the tweet, and why did Lauren Holly quote tweet it literally saying "true"

5) y'all have gotta stop with the "who is loyal" to the show business. The show doesn't matter. People matter.

6) say Pauley is promoting her new show by tweeting these things one more time, I fucking dare you. She might be, who knows, but stop assuming it, holy shit.

[mulaneyatncis]

That’s the worst use of 120 grand I can possibly fathom. Other than if you, like, bought a duffel bag of fake cocaine. No, I take it back. That’s a better use of the money, ’cause I know you’d be disappointed when you open up the duffel bag and you realize it’s not real cocaine, it’s like powdered baby aspirin or whatever they do. But at least you have baby aspirin. And maybe you have a baby and one day your baby goes, “Oh, my head,” and you go, “Hey, I’ve got something for you! Come here, little guy.” And you dump it out on a mirror. You make it nice for the baby. You make it nice. You cut it up into lines with your laundry card or whatever and you make it nice, and your baby takes his sippy-cup straw and he holds it in his little ravioli-sized baby fist and he leans over–  and he snorts up the baby aspirin, and he gets rid of his baby headache, plus you get a duffel bag!

Tony (upon learning Sarah McGee is an English Major)

[incorrect-ncis-quotes]

Tony: And without looking up at me, my dad said…

Tony: “You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.”

[mulaneyatncis]

Like I was talking to Gibbs recently, and I told him I didn’t think I believed in the death penalty, and he said to me: “oh, so you’re telling me, that if you saw Hitler… walking down the street… you wouldn’t kill him?” That wasn’t what I was telling you, but alright, lets talk about this entirely new topic. What would I do if I saw Adolph Hitler just walking down the street? Well first off I wanted to know what did my friend mean? Did he mean I see a guy in like the military outfit with the little mustache, cause then I would assume that’s someone dressed up as Hitler. I’m not gonna kill that guy. I’m not gonna kill an actor and ruin Indiana Jones 5 just cause I don’t understand costumes. Or does he mean I’m walking down the street and I see like an old old man who I think might be Hitler based on my memory of what Hitler looks like. I’m not gonna kill that guy either, because I am often wrong. I'd murder him and people would be like: “Woah! You just killed an old old man!” and Id be like: “He looked like Hitler!” and they’re like: “Yeah, a little…”

Jenny (roasting Gibbs about the death penalty two days before she straight up murders Rene Benoit)

[mulaneyatncis]

We walked into the ballroom. It was a big hotel ballroom. It was the Palmer House Hilton, big Hilton hotel ballroom. Walked into the ballroom, it was packed with people. It’s actually the ballroom from the end of the movie The Fugitive, remember? So, that ballroom. So, my mom and I walk in, it’s packed with people, the… Sorry, the end where Harrison Ford, as Dr. Richard Kimble, bursts in to confront Dr. Charles Nichols, right? Okay. So, that ballroom. So, my mom and I walk in, it’s packed with people. Why does Kimble confront Nichols? Well, I know we all know this, but… No, no. But, but, but… Kimble, he found out that Nichols, along with Devlin MacGregor and Lentz, who has mysteriously died, they had hired Frederick Sykes, the one-armed man, to kill Kimble. Kimble’s wife wasn’t even the target. I know we all know this. But they were gonna kill Kimble because he wasn’t gonna approve certain liver samples to pass RUD-90. So, Kimble finds out about all of this, and, of course, he’s furious. And he bursts into the ballroom and he goes, “You switched the samples!” And Dr. Nichols is like, “Ladies and gentlemen, my friend, Dr. Richard Kimble.” What accent did that guy have, by the way? He goes, “You switched the samples! And you doctored your research! So that you could have Provasic!” Anyway, so it’s that ballroom.

Tony (Kate/Ziva/Ellie ready to end his life)

[mulaneyatncis]

Thank you. No one will ever see me again.

Ziva (resigning from NCIS)

[mulaneyatncis]

“Gay people are humans.” And they’re like, “We’ll think about it.”

Me about the NCIS writers and their ridiculous homophobia

[mulaneyatncis]

"Who is this first woman that's like, "Yeah, cut the baby in half. That sounds like a good idea?" Like what kind of awful bitch has just stolen a ba—she stole a baby? And then the first time she's asked about it, she's like, "Look, I'll take what I can get. Can I take the legs? I'll take the legs. She can take the top part." She is so fucked up that she calls the head the top part. Secondly, that he knew it was the real mother because she knows not to cut a baby in half. Yeah, I think most people would come to that conclusion. Like even if I was just walking down the street, and there was someone about to saw a child in half, I would be like, "Hey... why don't you not do that?"

Fornell (on the Bible)

[mulaneyatncis]

On Growing Up Catholic

Kate: And then there’s some songs normally sung by an usher. One of these ushers that opens the door for you and gives you the pamphlet and they all look like Marco Rubio. That guy will get up and sing into the microphone. He’s not a singer… ’cause he’s not good at it. But he tries. He sings the Psalms. Remember the Psalms? They’re not songs ’cause they don’t rhyme and they’re not good. They’re perfectly named, they’re not quite songs, they’re Psalms. It’s a word you’re meant to mishear. “I’m gonna sing a Psalm today.” What’s that? You’re gonna sing a song? “Yeah. It’s a Psalm.” And then these guys get up in front of everyone and they’re like… ♪ The bread of God is bread ♪ ♪ He will bring us bread ♪ ♪ No one but the one from Jericho ♪ ♪ Can bring bread to bread ♪ And then the guy goes like this. (raises hands)

Tony: And that means we’re supposed to sing our lines, except we don’t know our lines for shit. Where’s that pamphlet? Where’s that pamphlet they gave us? Move the jackets. Ah-ha-ha! ♪ The bread of bread is bread ♪ ♪ Bread is God is bread ♪ It’s just dads singing so loud, thinking that’ll somehow get their kids to sing. ♪ Bread is God is bread ♪ ♪ Is God is bread ♪ ♪ Is God is bread… ♪ “Sing, goddamn it!” My dad once grabbed me by the shirt and lifted me up during church and said, “God can’t hear you.”

[mulaneyatncis]

Everything is too fast now and totally unreasonable. The world is run by computers, the world is run by robots and we spend most of our day telling them that we’re not a robot just to log on and look at our own stuff. All day long. May I see my stuff, please? “I smell a robot. Prove, prove, prove. Prove to me you’re not a robot. Look at these curvy letters. Much curvier than most letters, wouldn’t you say? No robot could ever read these. You look, mortal, if ye be. You look and then you type what you think you see. Is it an “E” or is it a “3”? That’s up to ye. The passwords of past you’ve correctly guessed, but now it’s time for the robot test! I’ve devised a question no robot could ever answer. Which of these pictures does not have a stop sign in it?” Fucking what? You spend most of your day telling a robot that you’re not a robot. Think about that for two minutes and tell me you don’t want to walk into the ocean.

Gibbs (on an uncharacteristically long rant)

[mulaneyatncis]

I have hair on my shoulders now. I don’t even have a joke for that. That’s how much I hate that shit. I was sitting up in bed a few weeks ago like… Ughhhh... You know, life. And my wife was rubbing my shoulders, which was very nice of her, but then she started singing to herself. “Monkey, monkey, monkey man. Monkey, monkey, monkey man.” Not at me. Not to be mean. This was a song from deep in her subconscious. I don’t even think she was aware she was singing it. But it was certainly not the first time she had sung it.

Tony (on Ziva’s songwriting)

[mulaneyatncis]

I found out recently that jokes don’t do well in court. So, some friends of mine were sued in college for property damage. And they were guilty. And the lawsuit dragged on for years and years and eventually I got a call when I was 28 years old. It was my friend from college, he said, “Hey, that lawsuit with my neighbor is still dragging on and my neighbor just subpoenaed all my emails from college that mention him or the lawsuit.” And I said, “That’s crazy. But why are you calling me?” And he said, “Because you should be concerned.” He said, “I have an email here from junior year where I wrote, 'Hey, guys, I’m going to miss practice tonight because I have to meet with my neighbor about that lawsuit thing.' And you replied, ‘Hey, do you want me to kill that guy for you? Because it sounds like he sucks and I will totally kill that guy for you. Okay. See you at improv practice.'”  Of all the sentences in that email I would be ashamed to have read out loud in a court of law, I think the top one is “See you at improv practice.”

Tony (on his college buddies)