I know why this came as a shock to me then, at the age of 22, and it wasnât necessarily because he said I was sick, though that was part of it. It was because he kept calling me that thing: âwhite Americanâ. In my reaction I justified his accusation. I knew I was white, and I knew I was American, but it was not what I understood to be my identity. For me, self-definition was about gender, personality, religion, education, dreams. I only thought about finding myself, becoming myself, discovering myself â and this, I hadnât known, was the most white American thing of all.
I still did not think about my place in the larger world, or that perhaps an entire history â the history of white Americans â had something to do with who I was. My lack of consciousness allowed me to believe I was innocent, or that white American was not an identity like Muslim or Turk.
Of this indifference, Baldwin wrote: âWhite children, in the main, and whether they are rich or poor, grow up with a grasp of reality so feeble that they can very accurately be described as deluded.â
Young white Americans of course go through pain, insecurity and heartache. But it is very, very rare that young white Americans come across someone who tells them in harsh, unforgiving terms that they might be merely the easy winners of an ugly game, and indeed that because of their ignorance and misused power, they might be the losers within a greater moral universe.
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