“Someday, Wil … maybe not today, or tomorrow … or even a few months or years from now, but someday … when you least expect it, it will just click, that sense of belonging.”
That burned, it burned something .. and crumbled.
“I don’t want him to die,” the core of the ache tore up through insides. Rene was home. Rene was the best thing to have ever happened to him, and as hard as he tried to block it out, and pretend that everything was fine, he could feel it .. every day he spent more time away in that bed, sick .. and he was already having to walk around so much without him .. and that fear .. that fear of that emptiness was crippling. Because that would never return. Not what they had.
.. and yeah .. maybe he should have been enjoying the moment they had now, but every time he walked past that room another day without his Rene laughing, stuffing his face with churros, and barefoot out in his garden, something in William just died.
… and maybe.. maybe that’s why it felt like he killed Danny, because he already had to put away some one he liked. It felt like a warm up to when he’d have to do it to his brother.
He didn’t want to be God.
He just wanted to run, goof around, and play outside.
“Everyone dies around me.”
William had buckled his knees, dropping to the ground, crying. The arms of Mum’s encircling him, he couldn’t even see, but another choked sob escaped, shaking him, as Wil bent forward and clutched his fingers through his shirt back.
“Let’s do the best we can to live now, to enjoy the time we have with each other now, so that … when the bad things come, we still have these beautiful memories with each other. Do you think we could try that?“
“I don’t want memories,” William shook his head, just holding onto him. “Memories hurt both good and bad. I don’t want memories, Mum, I want a now. I want a now forever.”
He sniffed just a little, and confessed, “I gave him blood. Just a sip. He doesn’t know. But .. but the first time we did a blood bond, and it helped .. a little. It hurt me, but he said it made him feel better and more energized, so I thought maybe you know? Maybe if I gave him some of my blood maybe it would keep him alive against that man-made body. And .. and I did it once, and . and I think it helped a little.”
What Wil felt, what Mum could sense flowing from him, was something that he was all too familiar with. It wasn’t just from the experiences he had with the families of terminal patients, but … from his own painful experiences … losing someone he loved, someone who meant the world to him. And it was a terrifying thought, having so much of your world reliant on another person.
Given his history and his own demons, perhaps Mum wasn't the best person to have this conversation with Wil ... or really ... any child faced with losing a loved one. There was never an easy way of going about it; when it came to grief, there never was. It wasn't supposed to be easy. But his patients, their friends, their families -- they all looked up to him, saw Mum as the strong one, the one who held them together; he was a doctor; he was supposed to fix people. Most didn't realize that he was just as broken as they were.
Whether it was a human trait, or something of the trickster badger in him, he'd developed a knack for pretending like everything was fine -- when in reality, if he could die ... then he would. He'd convinced himself that he was only alive because people needed him, that they would fall apart without him. Who would take care of the supernatural children? Who would show them compassion in a world of prejudice and hunters? Who would provide them with answers on how to live and adapt in this fast-paced, modern world? Mum didn't know of very many paranormal doctors. In fact, he was the only one. If he was to give in to his own demons, if he was to leave -- forever -- then all those children ... would they be lost? Who would care for them? Who would help William? And Larc? And Danny?
Would William have had someone he felt he could confide in? Because the health of the heart was more than just physical. This moment, the two of them, in the woods ... with Wil letting such deep and painful emotions he'd been keeping locked inside for so long? Who knew what sort of destructive behavior the boy would have engaged in? What new scars would develop? What happens if one of those scars was just a bit too deep?
Mum wouldn't let that happen.
The words didn't escape his mind, but Mum certainly could relate to that statement; nearly everyone with whome he had ever formed a close bond, he'd lost. And he was always the one left behind. Perhaps he held Wil so tightly then not just to comfort the boy, but also himself. He pulled Wil a little closer then, doing his best to hold him together as he shook so hard from his sobs that Mum was certain that, if he loosened his grip even just a little, Wil might fall into literal pieces on the ground.
I don't want memories, Mum, I want a now. I want a now forever.
"I know, Wil. And I understand. But, unfortunately, that is not how this world works." He drew back just a little, just so he could look to his young friend's face. He really shouldn't tell William the alternatives, perhaps now was not the time -- to inform him of ways to cheat death, of sending people off to places like Toyo no Kuni, Avalon, and Shangri-La, where a moment spreads forever ... but admission to those lands came with steep prices. To fill his mind with such ideas at so young of an age may not be the wisest of practices.
Not to mention, it was dangerous. Those immortal kingdoms were always under threat of being found, of being attacked, and perhaps someday -- once discovered by the wrong person -- forever would finally end.
And none of those options would help Wil become familiar with and learn how to power through loss and grief.
When Wil went on to describe what he had done with his own blood, Mum's brows lifted a little out of curiosity. He had a somewhat uncomfortable look on his face for a moment, but then shifted into confused, then pensive as his eyes narrowed and seemed to drift off to the side as though following a thought.
With a huff, the badger finally sat back on the ground, crossing his legs and propping an elbow on his knee so he could rest his chin upon his fist. "Mmmmrrrnnnggghh." It was a strange sound, but it was his 'thinking' noise. Then, finally, he snapped his gaze back to Wil with a little, warm smile.
"First, thank you for being honest with me," he began. "I really appreciate that, and how open you have been. And second ... I should probably be upset that you would try something like that, mixing magics and whatnot without experimenting from a scientific approach first, but ... meh." He gave a small shrug. "Larc's kind is always doing things with bodily fluids so it seems like it's right up his alley, to be honest. I guess ... a sip wouldn't hurt. In a pinch. If it seemed to help him. I mean, just don't ... make a habit out of it or anything. We don't know if maybe it would be come addictive like some drugs, or ... since it is an artificial body, that natural magic of your blood might eventually have an adverse effect. Like, say, if he drinks it on a regular occasion, and then sudden stops for ... some reason and goes through serious withdrawals. Because I'll be honest, his is the first man-made body I've had ... in ... ever, and there's very ... very few instances in even supernatural history of a homunculus being successful, let alone living for very long and ... definitely haven't had any experiences with seeing how the genetics of other species have an effect on him."
He paused a moment. "I'm actually a little jealous," he confessed as a tiny smile etched its way onto his lips. "I've tried injecting my patients with my own blood in the past thinking, you know, I can't get sick, maybe my blood would heal them." He shook his head. "It didn't. Was worth a shot, though. But knowing that your blood makes him feel a bit better, that's good. Maybe it's because he's a natural witch in an unnatural body, and for just that moment, that body has a little bit of natural magic in it, and his soul is connecting to it."
