MUNCHFLIX - FIVE NIGHTS AT FREDDY'S
IMDB BLURB: A troubled security guard begins working at Freddy Fazbear's Pizza. During his first night on the job, he realizes that the night shift won't be so easy to get through. Pretty soon he will unveil what actually happened at Freddy's.
WARNINGS: It's pg-13 dude.
RATING: It's not horror, but it is FNAF.
OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER:
Munch: SO it's time for us to watch Five Nights at Freddy's. I previewed this last night but Biscuits refused to watch it until now.
Biscuits: I don't have any tequila, I'm sad about this. I do have whiskey.
M: I unfortunately must remain sober. Everyone seems to love this movie, I'm not sure why. Maybe I'm just a curmudgeon.
B: Dude it's five freddys at night. It's like that wojack meme of them pointing at freddy. It's him, the fredbear from the night. By the way this movie was announced 8 YEARS AGO. A time when I was still invested in FNAF lore.
M: I admit to knowing a fair amount of FNAF lore myself, but it kinda ends after the 3rd game because I stopped caring. Oh yeah the movie.
B: What's happening?
M: A security guard is going through some shit. It's incredibly dark. You can almost tell what's happening. He's gonna get his face eaten off by a freddy head. As is par. To make you think this is a horror movie.
B: The new Saw movie looks great! Bold choice to do a crossover with Five Nights at Freddy's.
M: I do like the look of things. They did a good job of recreating the pizzeria in all it's glory, it's very accurate.
B: Blumhouse because of course it is.
M: The opening animations an obvious nod to the games. There are SO many.
B: I like the funky synth music. It's no Toreador March, but….Josh Hutcherson has emerged from a decade of irrelevancy! Formerly known for his critically acclaimed role in Trapped In An Island with Josh Hutcherson.
There make be snakes!
M: He's a decent dude, he should have had the fame that Jennifer Lawrence had. Josh, I mean MIKE, has a sister he has to take care of and he's a security guard at…some mall. Doesn't matter. He's into dreams.
B: He hasn't aged a day, he's just acquired some facial hair. Now he's chasing some kid and his dad, he thinks he just witnessed a child abduction but actually…
M: He just beat the shit out of some dude for no reason. And now the employment department!
B: This is the kind of discrimination single dads face on a daily basis, Josh.
M: And now Matthew Lilliard, who is COMPLETELY SQUANDERED in this movie. He has never put less than 1000 percent cunt into every role and they wasted him.
B: Two months at a job? Me too, Josh.
M: His uh…job counselor is kinda sus.
B: Listen bud you have limited job options, join the club.
M: Are you suggesting we get a job at the FNAF pizzeria?
B: I wish all job counselors were this honest. The hours are bad, the pay is awful…
M: They keep not saying his last name which I guess is supposed to be a twist so we think he's Mike Afton but the twist is he's Mike Schmidt. No spoilers tho.
B: The twist is he's Michael Myers! He has a weird little sister and she does creepy things.
M: Possibly psychic. Very sixth sense going on here. Mike has a bit of a pill problem and somehow can go to sleep listening to the most annoying bird sounds in all existence. ASMR you're trapped in an aviary.
B: I remember this part of the FNAF lore. Where he has a little brother who gets kidnapped. Is this canon? I think they made this up for the movie.
M: It's not.
B: Why does he have a child?
M: It's his sister.
B: So his parents just popped out another one 20 years later???
M: Sure, why not. And now the awful Aunt and the best character in this whole movie. DOUG the lawyer. I love him. She wants custody of the sister, Abby. Mike doesn't want this. He's kind of a jerk about it though.
Doug is the most relatable character in the movie tbh
B: There has to be some sort of like…inciting factor. We gotta have some reason why he's gotta work at five nights at fredericks. He's gotta keep custody of his sister. Finally, Five Nights at Freddys is in the Five Nights at Freddy's movie. If I'm in the movie theater with my five year old son, he doesn't care about Josh Hutcherson! He wants to see the funny guy from the youtube video!!
M: Well TOO BAD! Because there's a lot more Josh Hutcherson than Freddy's.
B: What year is it?? It's implied to still be the 80's but the place is all closed down and they have an old looking tv? They gotta keep it ambiguous or people would start talking about the bite of 87 or whatever.
M: There are so many easter eggs. The celebrate poster from the game, the fucking desk fan, the training video, I could go on and on.
B: This training video is def 80's. This technology existed in the 80's btw, the government was just hiding it from everyone. Actually they're alive because ghosts and not lithium batteries but…What a great analog horror video. I'm subscribing to this channel.
M: Balloon boy jump scare! Nothing ever happens on night 1 though. So Mike is just gonna take a walky and then take a nap.
B: I can almost see anything in this fucking movie! It's so dark! It's like watching a Zack Snyder movie. Maybe in a theater it would look better...?
M: I really think it's just the fucking death of film lighting period. I do think the animatronics look good. They look really damn good.
B: They looked kinda crap in the trailer. Sleempy Mike. Now he's having more PTSD nightmares about his brother getting kidnapped.
M: But wait! There's more chilluns! In his dream, as is normal.
B: We're the children from the FNAF who got murdered.
M: You are correct. 6 am reference! Time to go home. Mike isn't paying his babysitter.
B: It's nice to have a girl who will watch his sister for free. I assumed they died in cancer/plane crash. Sparky's is a reference. That's MatPat.
M: The babysitter is sus. And her other friend and the evil aunt are having lunch while conspiring against Mike. I love Doug.
B: So the Aunt is like…the villian…the antagonist character?
M: I mean…sort of. It's possible she's in cahoots with Afton on some level but it's never confirmed. Back at home Mike is being a terrible parent again and Abby wants to go to FNAF world with him but this is a really bad idea. Now…if you were a criminal….and you wanted to make Mike look bad, when would you go trash the place?
B: When he's there.
M: Thank you. Mike is asleep again.
B: Thanks Blumhouse I can almost see what's going on in the movie. How many times are we gonna see sweaty Josh running around in a forest in this movie?
M: You have no idea. He's dreaming of the FNAF kids again because he thinks they know where his brother is. One of them cuts him and he bleeds IRL.
B: Wow I was scare.
M: And now there's a cop at the door. As is also normal and part of the FNAF canon.
B: Vanessa is a reference.
M: That's not a reference, that's part of the canon! Because why not.
B: They had to put some shit from security breach in here cos it's the new one.
M: Vanessa suspiciously knows a lot and isn't giving us any info why.
B: Mike, just Mike. No last name.
M: Vanessa is here to give us some EXPOSITION. Because fuck show don't tell!
B: It's great that all these arcade machines are still plugged in after 10, 20 years.
M: This part made me have Chuck E Cheese flashbacks.
A powerful bear...named Frederick Entertainment Fazbear
B: Playing covers of popular songs was a big thing in these types of restaurants.
M: Something something some kids went missing.
B: Back in the 80's!! Could you please tell me what fucking year it is??? This motherfucker is listening to a cassette player so unless he's some kind of hipster? I hated that scene btw. Go away I hate you.
M: Unfortunately she will be here so much more.
B: So the criminals are breaking in…after he's left???
M: Yes!
B: Even if you wanted to frame him, the CCTV footage is gonna tell them when you were there! But okay I guess?? Oh there's still money in the arcade machine? It's not like they empty those every day.
M: I love the random older man who's just hanging out with these teenaged criminals.
B: He's been bustin up abandoned buildings since back in the 80's!
M: One of them finds Chica's cupcake and it does a spooky and then Chica does a spooky. Almost all the violence happens offscreen because….pg13.
B: They couldn't make this an R rated movie because it's Five Nights at Freddy's. The people who grew up with it are all adults now but the target audience remains basically the same.
M: Bonnie does a spooky.
B: I literally can't see anything in that shot! Also appreciate the attempt to get away with a huge bag of COINS, the heaviest and least valuable denomination of money you can get. You might have 50 bucks MAX in quarters.
Also Bonnie. he's cool.
M: The point is that they're all getting murdered. Offscreen. Very darkly. And yet they did not even try to bother Mike.
B: Mike left!
M: It's been two nights he's been there though!
B: Okay…I guess.
M: Freddy bites Max the babysitter completely in half. But we only see the shadow.
B: We get Plato's allegory of the cave violence! We never get to see it directly.
Also Sparky the Dog. he's cool.
M: Back at home Abby draws more pictures and Mike Mike's all over the place while she magically finds the custody papers.
B: They're watching public domain cartoons.
M: From the 80's. Vanessa shows up at their house to tell them that someone broke into the pizzeria. She found Mike's pills.
B: The year is killing me, is it the 90's??? Early 00s maybe? If it was the 10's everyone would be on their smart phones. Is this really criminal negligence?? He didn't lock the doors to this ABANDONED BUILDING!!!?? IT'S ABANDONED!!!
M: Now Mike is gonna exposit all over Vanessa about how he takes the pills to try and remember the dream of when his brother was taken in a lucid dream every night. He's very talented to have the same dream every night.
B: I really hate Vanessa, she's completely insufferable.
M: I agree. Also can I take a moment to talk about how fucking SLOW this is. The pacing is awful.
B: I don't give a shit. I don't care about your dreams. Shut up. I'm here with my 10 year old who wanted to see the funny Fazbear on the screen and he's ASLEEP right now! That wasn't even english on the walkie talkie, when cops talk on those they don't just go GNWEUIFHB98FHNWIEFNEI
M: Your son is now 10???
B: Shut up! I don't even have a son!
M: We are halfway through.
B: I do not understand. What even is gonna happen.
M: So Mike is gonna take Abby to work at FNAF but I gotta stop for a minute because…people DIED in there. Did Vanessa find the bodies? Are the bodies still there? Did someone clean them up? She didn't even mention that to Mike????
B: Who called the police to report the break in?
M: If they did, did only Vanessa show up??
B: Is Vanessa even really a police officer?
Vanessa is lookin pretty SUS. (that's still a funy joek in 2023, rite?)
M: That's a very good question! Mike is just like, you're gonna sleep and I'm gonna watch the monitors and this is a totally safe idea. Abby is well known to behave.
B: I'm sure nothing bad will happen.
M: I guess he's gonna clean up. If he was Nick Cage this would've been done forever ago.
B: He's gotta stop and have a cola and play pinball.
M: Actually, he's gonna nap! Because that's the responsible thing to do!
B: All the excitement from the FNAF games you love like DARK ROOMS! NAPPING! AND OFFSCREEN MURDER! Well I guess that last one is fair.
M: So of corpse, Abby wakes up and fucks off. But it's cool because of reasons.
B: Bro…is this the only way we could convey the story of the missing kids…80 sequences of Mike in the woods? A lot of the people watching this already know all this. This review makes it sound like I just hate FNAF and that's not really the truth.
M: I don't hate FNAF at all, but this movie is so utterly middling. We're halfway through and 90 percent of the movie has been Mike dreaming. But now he's out there and the animatronics are all there and alive and playing with Abby.
B: He's gonna fight Freddy with a chair.
M: Just like in the games. They're well known to be friendly to children.
B: Abby is a special psychic child.
M: Mike is wigging just a bit as anyone would.
B: I mean in real life they're wired to the stage so…yeah.
M: Freddy is still looking at Mike like, you're on thin fuckin' ice.
B: Wow this movie is jam packed with chills and thrills and I am on the edge of my seat right now. To quote Arin Hanson, "Just…something happen, PLEASE!"
M: I mean some dudes got killed but...
B: I couldn't even see it happening! Hey Abby wtf is going on btw.
M: Her friends she's been drawing all movie are apparently the FNAF kids because of course they are. How she knows them???
B: You'd better start believing in ghost stories Mister Hutcherson…
M: Mike is like hey remember our dead brother who died ages before you were born? You drew him getting kidnapped, so…explain. Was it the boy from my dreams? Oh it was?
B: Trying to use her psychic powers to solve a crime but all they talk about is a yellow rabbit. Exploit your sister to resolve your own personal trauma. I don't see this going well.
M: Back with Vanessa who is at FNAF for some fucking reason, Mike and Abby show up and Mike is like hey did you think to mention that there are ghost kids possessing the robots? And now they're gonna build a fucking fort. The animatronics too. This is a real thing that is happening.
B: How does something like that even right itself….?
M: I have no idea. I don't know why Mike is suddenly on board with all this. I would not be under there with them.
Everyone's just vibin' :)
B: Mike is finally asking questions he should have been asking a long time ago. Vanessa explains the springlocks because that will obviously be important later. And Vanessa, who was like YEAH FORT is now like HOW DARE YOU BRING ABBY HERE.
M: Who the hell are you Vanessa, that's something you should've asked like forever ago. Abby tries to strum Bonnie's geetar and gets minorly electrocuted but it's no big.
B: Oh my GOD. Sorry Abby, I'm kind of an asshole.
M: So now he's gonna do an even bigger asshole thing and call Aunty Shrew to come babysit and possibly you know…take custody of his sister so he can keep napping. Abby is not happy. The Pharmacist is the second best person in this movie.
B: He's doing dream magic because.. it's…you know. He couldn't just do this at night.
M: It is night.
B: It was just morning!
M: It took a really long time at the pharmacy okay. And now for the UMPTEENTH TIME, trapped in a dream forest with Josh Hutcherson.
B: But whyyyyyyy.
M: The ghost children are like, hey give us Abby and you can dream about your dead brother. And he's like OKAY. Mike kinda is an asshole. He immediately changes his mind but that's not how a deal with the devil works. The kids run around him uh…slicing him up for some reason.
B: And now he's in the saw trap where the first security guy presumably died.
M: Good thing it's slow moving. But he gets out becaus he's the protagonist.
B: Okay so…the bodies are still here. There's some gore. That's your PG-13 right there.
M: In the super secret room nobody can ever find but two people have now stumbled into. Back with evil Auntie, Abby is hiding in her room and Freddy is just there.
B: Frederick is in the house. You somehow didn't hear him enter even though he must weigh a ton. Like as much as a small car. He's murdered Auntie Jane.
M: And now the chillest taxi driver on earth who is somehow fine giving a ride across town to a small child and a giant animatronic.
I gifed the animatronics because they're the most interesting thing on screen but trust me, these gifs severly overstate how much they are in the movie.
B: How does Freddy even fit in a human sized car?
M: I don't know.
B: Vanessa is tending to Mike's wounds. She conveniently found him. They tried to kill him. Yeah…they do that. Why did you just leave the bodies there Vanessa? And why haven't they started to decay?
M: Vanessa is still not telling us shit. But Mike tells her that he said yes to giving Abby to them and she tells him they're gonna make her like him.
B: In the movie a lot of things aren't very clear. Vanessa tells us that the bodies of the dead kids are in the animatronics.
M: Like…how would people NOT NOTICE. But this is canon.
B: How does Vanessa know all this?
M: She tells us about AFTON.
B: The man behind the slaughter. The purple fellow. Okay, that's not canon that he's her father?
M: Hell if I know, I stopped following lore well before Vanessa showed up. Also somehow Afton killed Mike's brother.
B: Where did he put Garrett's body?? That's like SIX children now, are there six kids in each animatronic??
M: Vanessa's master plan is to taser the animtronics that are somehow being controlled by ghost children who are being controlled by William Afton. But she's not gonna go with Mike because Afton is her dad and stuff.
B: Let's fix that with a controlled shock. It's a good thing it's taking Abby a long time to get murdered.
M: Freddy considers murder and then reconsiders. Abby is being taken by Chica to the back room to be put into a device that looks suspiciously like the Baby animatronic. Meanwhile Mike is tasering Freddy and Bonnie.
B: I never understood what Chica did in the band anyway. Backup vocals? There's no way they could feasibly be playing this music with just one guitar. My suspension of disbelief is totally destroyed, Mister Fredbear. Don't you need to re-arm a taser?
M: Yep. But he gets Abby.
B: You've been an idiot about most things, Mike. To be fair. You should go.
M: The cupcake looks silly attacking but I do like it's design. I actually like the animatronics a lot and it would kick ass if they were like…
B: IN THE MOVIE!! For more than like 20 minutes of screen time in this two hour long movie.
M: See also, Matthew Lilliard. They squandered all the best parts of this movie. In favor of an hour of dream sequences. Abby and Mike again get separated but she hides in the ball pit and now….the best part of the movie. Golden Bonnie is here. Who is also Afton but no spoilers.
B: Me in the Dashcon ballpit.
M: Vanessa shows up 20 minutes late to the party with uh…nothing. I do love the way they did the whole golden bonnie thing. Though I'm really unsure about how he's controlling them? Vanessa apparently has a gun.
B: You're gonna shoot your undead father with a gun? Oh he's alive!
M: For now. He is also the job counselor. To absolutely nobody's suprise. (editor's note: biscuits did not at all realize this while watching the movie) She shoots daddy but somehow that isn't enough to activate the springlocks. Afton stabs his own daughter as Abby frantically draws pictures to show the other kids that he's really the bad guy. Afton gets all springlock failed and they drag him off into the back room.
B: Well canonically all this happened a really long time ago, but the movie doesn't care about the timeline. I always come back, yeah, way too many fucking times, bro.
M: And now everything is great and Abby is happy and Mike looks exactly the same.
B: The pacing is…so weird.
M: They stop by the hospital to see Vanessa and set up a sequel!
B: Well I mean if there's one thing FNAF really loves, it's sequels. This movie is so boring. Can we visit my dead friends some time? NO.
M: laughs Yeah, no.
B: Okay, movie SAVED by using the Living Tombstone. I'm amazed that they got the license for this.
M: I laughed out loud, I fucking loved it. It's the best thing. Oh Jim Henson's creature shop worked on the puppets, that explains why they looked so good. Final thoughts?
B: It's just…really lame. There's a couple cool scenes and some cool stuff at the end but the rest of the movie isn't worth it. There's so much rich lore, SO much lore, and a rich universe that they had an infinite well of stuff to draw on, but they made up this whole other plot about Josh Hutcherson's family problems and it's just…lame.
M: I just really feel like it's takes itself way too seriously.
B: Like terminally ill seriously.
M: And they squandered all the best parts of FNAF. The animatronics should have been the FOCUS. Not the dream sequences. Afton should have been a MUCH bigger part of this. There was so much cool stuff they could have done but it's not about that. All the little easter eggs for the fans are great but ultimately…pointless.
B: And again, isn't this supposed to be for the fans? For people who already love FNAF? But it's not really.
M: I grok that in order to reach a wider audience you gotta kinda do that but
B: The FNAF fandom is MASSIVE! The majority of it is just like…Trapped in Freddy Fazbears with Josh Hutcherson.
M: Fair.
B: And like…if you like the movie that's fine. For me it's just kinda meh. It's not something I would watch again on purpose. It just made me wanna watch Willy's Wonderland again. Not worth the 8 year wait time.
M: 8 years…and this is what you came up with?? 8 years and Doug was the best part of the movie? I don't hate it. I don't love it. I'm a fan of the FNAF games, I just feel like it's a massive missed opportunity and that people need to remember how to light a fucking film. I'm tired of Hollywood just giving us the most banal experience possible for whatever reason.
Munch and Biscuits out, yo.