Mur_Riam

[TW:SH/ED][Minor][They/Them][Infp][Aquarius]

[murriam]

<3

ABOUT ME --

I’m 15 years old and nonbinary. I decided that I wanted to make an account and to vent, find people like me, and to cope with my disordered thoughts. I’m not pro ana, I just do this to myself and will never wish this upon anyone else. Anyways, I enjoy anime, art, writing, reading, vintage knickknacks, and learning/exploring goth culture/lifestyle.

STATS --

HEIGHT: 5′6

SW (7/29/22) : 144lbs

GW 1: 140 lbs 🔒

GW 2: 130 lbs 🔒

GW 3: 120 lbs 🔒

UGW: 105-110 lbs (might change)  🔒

[murriam]

I’m alive from the dead after months…Good news is I’m determined to get back on track..Bad news is I’m officially qualified as fatsp0 😭

[murriam]

Hi guys im coming back 🕺 I was like “omg im totally not sick anymore” for a month and a half 🤡😝 and now im coming back on Monday!!! Why Monday?!? Cause its the start of the new week 🥰 anyways i might document my week like what im eating and stuff..I might also start blogging my day but im not sure 🤔 anyways im not gonna be inactive anymore 🙅🏽😘

[murriam]

Note to self: do NOT take laxatives the night before school.. Shits hard to hold in 😭😭

[murriam]

Is anyone else having trouble with restricting?…I’m so disappointed in myself because I know I can restrict but i choose not to..like my god I’m so mad at myself but I don’t hate it? Like school started for me again and it’s sucks ass but now I just eat..hopefully next week is better or he’ll even next month..I know for sure I gained 10+ lbs this month..Ughhhhhhh I can’t stand myself

[murriam]

TW: ED

I’m so tired..I have really really strong binge urges for no reason..the fact that school starts next Monday, my sister is going back to the hospital, my mom yelling at everything, and my grandma is watching me and my siblings is stressing me out.. Ive been crying all week cause I’ve been overwhelmed which is taking a toll on me..I really really want to cave in and go to the store to buy my foods. Not only that but because school is starting soon, my brain feels like I need to binge “one more time” like bruh. We did that all last week! Calm the fuck down. Idk I just felt like I had to get this out. I know I’m not gonna go cause i need self control but my god do I want it badly..

[ijswannabpretty]

diet where i dont eat until i finish a book

[murriam]

Okay I’m saving this for September 😚😚

[murriam]

OMG GUYS I FINNALY DID IT!! I SUCCESSFULLY PURGED :DDDDD even though it was a small chunk..I finally figured out how to trigger it 😄 I managed to purge some of the apple I ate today!! Whooooooooooooo!!!!

[murriam]

Nothing like the strong urges to add more damage to your already scarred skin 😜 But like if it stops a binge then I’ll do what I have to do…it’s the only way to make up for my inability to purge 😒😋

[murriam]

Bro i tried to purge and was unsuccessful but besides that…I scratched my throat and it’s bleeding…😒😒 how do you make purging easier?? Also I know it’s addictive..trust me I rely on laxatives and abuse them..I just need this right now…

[murriam]

I’m so fake like honestly..today I’m going to a quince and I just know I’m going to overeat..I feel very bad that I’m gonna break my 132 hour fast just because of a party..But I wanna enjoy myself and not be so focused on disordered thoughts when I’m with my friends..I don’t deserve food but I did everything I could this week to compensate for today! I want to seem “normal” and “recovered” to them so they don’t say anything about my eating habits either so yeah..anyways I’ll let you guys know how it goes!

[murriam]

Bro my family always get fast food on fridays (today) which meant I had to get something to eat so I chose chipotle 😒 BUT I’m not eating it until tomorrow because I don’t want to break my 120+ fast 😝🙏🏽 they also didn’t notice btw so I got away with not eating and if they do say something they don’t force me to eat, which I’m grateful for 😇

[murriam]

Skinny fat and Dr office

I hate how i'm considered skinny fat because I didn't lose weight the "right" way.. My arms, stomach, and thighs are big and flabby because of my weight loss..In the beginning of January I think I weighed around 190-210lbs...I started dieting and being a basic ass bitch with my methods, which ofc wasn't enough. I think my ED truly started in April because when I went to my Dr appointment I was 154lbs.. I was proud of myself, but that quickly went away after my Dr told me I wasn't Obese just overweight and that I needed to lose more weight..I was crushed..So now here I am trying to get to my UGW and tighten my fucking skin.

[murriam]

My lowest weight :(

You know.. 2 months ago I was at my lowest weight which was 138 lbs...That was before discovering the ED community on YouTube, before knowing what binging was, before being so self aware..those were also the months where I lost my period temporarily because of my restricting. I really miss that because I felt so proud and happy for once. However, Summer hit and everything went south...I started binging almost everyday without purging because I didn't know what it was...fast forward to the end of June and I was at 142 lbs...And now I'm fucking 144 lbs. I know it might not seem a lot but it really is.. I miss my naive clueless self...

[murriam]

TW: B/P & disordered thoughts

I hate the fact that i’m unable to purge.. No matter what I do, the only thing that comes up/out is mucus and saliva. I’ve tried so many different things to help me! I’ve drank a shit ton of water before attempting, chugged salt water, attempt to purge almost immediately, exercised while still digesting, and even squeezed my stomach hard.. Nothing fucking works! The only thing I get from doing that shit is a sore throat/scratched throat, immense guilt, and pain in my stomach/chest. Does anybody else have this problem, or am I just not trying hard enough? Im just sitting on the floor for 15+ mins just gagging and spitting...fuck im useless..

[murriam]

I need you guys to be really mean to me because I’m really wanting to eat 40 hours into my fast 😕 so please I beg you go hard on me..point out every wrong thing about me!!

[murriam]

❄️Ｃｏｏｌ ａｎｄ Ｗａｒｍ☀️ #advancedart #art #artclass #artist #artwork #drawingsketch #sketchbook #sketching #prismacolorpencils #prismacolor #drawing #coolcolors #warmcolors #sunandmoon #sketch https://www.instagram.com/p/CGggChvhGY6/?igshid=6rzo4lntdl9y