the fellowship bbq:
gandalf: arrives last (a wizard is never late), brings the most bizarre things with him. seven hot dogs buns (the exact number needed), a pepper shaker, (they ran out of pepper mid bbq) and fourteen napkins (there was a spill)
gimli: brings the beers. he has a giant ass cooler covers in rock (ha) band stickers as well as national parks. brings like,,., artisanal, local shit. unheard of brands and always fantastic. also brings homemade lemonade which is unironically the best shit ever. (the secret is he adds a pinch salt. the second secret is that the salt is “home grown”
legolas: oh boy legolas. really doing his best to master the art of pasta salad and it’s not going great. has brought: loose, uncooked penne mixed in with oak leaves, a ziplock bag of wet spaghetti and a separate ziplock bag of ranch dressing, three and a half raviolis on a bed of lettuce, and most recently, four different boxes of mac’n’cheese, unopened, and arranged artfully in a stand mixer bowl.
frodo: brings jello. every time. box-ready, red dye 40, un-name brand, jello. it’s the only thing he can reliably make and bring. it’s weirdly a hit every time. mostly because legolas and pippin play a game where they see how much random shit they can stick in it before the jello collapses.
sam: would love to bring the pasta salad but legolas says he has that covered. instead, brings potato salad and fruit salad. also brings the plates, forks, table cloth, condiments, seasonings and fly-covers. also bakes brownies with sprinkles themed per season.
merry: also brings brownies. do not eat merry’s brownies if you are driving or plan to drive within the next three days. pays sam like 20-50 bucks cash (whatever he can grab from his parents before he arrives to the function) because he wants to contribute more but hasn’t figured out how.
pippin: well,,, pippin. if you’re lucky with a giant ass watermelon, uncut. now your job to prep it as you see fit. also has a basket of loose produce he picked from his neighbors garden. there’s like,,,, sixteen cherry tomatoes and a fist full of mint.
boromir: is very protective of his grill. this does not stop merry and pippin from sneaking bites of of the cooking meat. has various “kiss the cook” aprons he cycles through. has a smoker and a grill, separate, brings both if not hosting. serves everyone else first. makes his patties from scratch.
aragorn: (?????) jerky. deer, probably. trail mix, fruit leather, mushrooms. all home made and foraged. sometimes brings baskets of wild blackberries. is more suited to picnics than barbecues. would like to one day man the grill- he can cook meat decently- but boromir won’t let him because he’s to light handed with the seasoning.
Oh come on!
Legolas would bring a full stag deer, hunted in his own forest, and proceed and proceed to skin and slice it up then and there before putting it fresh on the grill. He'd figure a BBQ was much like the feasts his father throws (see the Hobbit) and so want the best, freshest meat. He proceeds to tell stories of his sightings of that particular deer before and/or how the hunt with. And he details how he had a nice time petting and hand-feeding a fawn and his mother.
Don't ever try to pretend that Legolas and Mirkwood Elves were ever vegetarian again.
oh boy here we go again,,,,
on elves being vegetarians: nature is incredibly important to elves. while hunting may have been reasonable and accessible in the past, due
