It has been said that if you love someone, set them free. I never really knew what that meant up until very recently. To me, it has a two-fold meaning. On the one side, by setting the one you love free, you are opening them up to other incredible experiences that maybe you were not able to give them. On the other hand, by setting them free, you are also freeing yourself. You free yourself from the pain of loving someone, or in my case, multiple someones, who does not love you back the same way. You free yourself from that daily torture of wondering why it never worked out, or why it worked out with someone else. It's time that I actually do that. So as of today, I am setting free two men that I have come to love. Part of me will always love both of them, but another much wiser part of me knows that ultimately, nothing will ever culminate from my holding onto this love. I need 2015 to be the best year ever for me, and I think that by doing this, it will be a very big step in the right direction. No, not think. KNOW. I know that this will be a good move on my part.
Let's start with guy #1. We will call him FRM. I met him in 2011 when he was a barista at the Starbucks that I would eventually work at. He was always kind to me. He would smile at me anytime I walked into the store, and he always wrote my cup before I could even order my drink, It was a very small gesture. If you know anything about me, you know that I very much appreciate and hold onto the little things in life. The simple fact of him remembering my drink order, and making small-talk with me was enough for me to think that this guy was someone I would like to get to know more. When he started to give me my drinks for free, that was when I started thinking that maybe he felt something more for me. On his last day at Starbucks, he slipped me his phone number on a coffee sleeve, which I thought was not only incredibly adorable, but a definite sign that he might have more than platonic feelings for me.
Over time, our friendship developed into one of such closeness, that we were hanging out practically every single day, whether it be spending a day at Disneyland, or sitting at Starbucks chatting over coffee for a few hours, or at small get-togethers, where we were always seated next to each other. It did not take long for our mutual friends to start thinking that we were actually a couple. I was really starting to think that something more than just a strong friendship could develop. One day, I finally worked up enough courage to tell him how I felt about him. I was willing to put myself and my heart out there on the line, hoping that he would reciprocate my feelings. This was the response that I received: "I truly appreciate your honesty, and I feel that it is only fair to be honest with you in return and say that I do not feel the same way." Keep in mind, this was done over text message, as he was working at the time. We met for coffee later in the day to discuss the matter in person.
That conversation went well at first. We had both said that we did not want things to change. So I continued to act as if we were best friends. I continued to ask him to hang out, and grab dinner, or coffee, or go to Disneyland. As time started to pass, I noticed that he started to say no more often than yes, and he also started to cancel on the times he did say yes. We went from hanging out every single day, to hanging out once or twice a week, to currently not having spoken in over 3 months. From what I can see, he has a boyfriend now. I am legitimately happy for him. He was able to find happiness with a man who appreciates everything he has to offer. I'm finally comfortable with accepting the fact that I was not meant to be that person. I'll always love FRM, as he taught me a lot about how to cope with really crappy situations. As much as I had gone through with him, nothing could have prepared me for what was to come with guy # 2.
I don't even know where to start with SEP. He kind of came out of nowhere. We met on Grindr of all places in the fall of 2012. Neither of us were really using the app to try and hook up with other guys, and we realized that we had a mutual friend. He was not out at the time, which I was ok with, and he was also referring to himself as bisexual. We also had a love of theatre, along with other commonalities, and I was immediately drawn to him. It took us a bit of talking online before we finally met in person.
I was at Disneyland with my friend LauraBeth, and he and I were texting. He told me that he was at the park with his aunt. He said that he would try to sneak away so we could meet. He managed to pull away, and we met at the gift shop outside "It's A Small World." To say that attraction happened instantly would be a severe understatement. He was so much more handsome than any profile picture could ever hope to produce. He had classic movie star good looks, and a smile that could melt the polar ice caps. I probably sound like I'm still carrying a torch for this guy, and to some extent, I kind of am. But this is where the fairytale ends.
As time went on, I fell harder and harder for SEP, and the more I did, the more and more he pulled away. He swore that he was not ready for any sort of relationship, and that he was not even comfortable calling himself gay. I silently understood that, and told myself that I would wait for him until I was ready. I realize now how foolish that really was. Even after one night in March of 2013, where we were finally intimate with each other. God he had the softest lips I've ever kissed. I left the next morning, and then did not hear from him for a solid month and a half. I finally sent a text that said something along the lines of "Hey, if I did something to bother you, please just let me know, and I can stop texting you." He finally responded, but by this time I was getting ready to move to Chicago, so no hope of romance there, right?
I moved to Chicago in May of that year, and he and I kept in contact. He even talked on the phone with me for a solid hour and listened to me vent about how homesick I was. I said to myself, no guy does this unless he is interested in something more than platonic. He told me that he also had finally come out to his family, and that it had not gone very well. I told him that I would be there for him in any way that I could, and he said that he appreciated the sentiment. When I moved back, we continued to talk, and hung out a little. At this point, my feelings had evolved well beyond just a little crush, or even intense like. I was so in love with this guy. And for what? He made it perfectly clear that he did not love me back, nor did he have any intention of being anything more than just friends. Oh, but don't worry, the best is yet to come.
November of 2013 rolls around, and I am waiting to see Catching Fire with a couple of friends. As I am sitting in my seat, I see SEP walk in, and he had a guy with him. At this point, I can't even focus on the movie I was there to watch. All I could do was stare down at SEP with a guy leaning his head on his shoulders. My stomach literally dropped. I was so incredibly heartbroken. I just could not fathom how or why he did not feel the same way about me.
I still am not completely over SEP. There are times when I will text him, just because I want to talk to him. But, hindsight is always clear, right? I now know that he was not meant to be in my life as a significant other. I don't even know if he is meant to remain in my life at all. Only time will tell. The point of me recounting all of this was not to revisit something that caused me deep pain in my life. I finally realized that these two men were meant to come into my life to propel me forward into something better. I think I am finally to a point where I am ready to let them both go. They both deserve every happiness in the world, and so do I. I don't deserve to stay sad over something that will never come of anything. So, FRM and SEP, I am letting you both go. Know that I will always love both of you.
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