I know that this post won’t mean much, probably won’t be read, probably will be judged if it is. But maybe if I get it all out there I will feel better. Because this is a big secret, that I haven’t told my friends, my mom (who is my everything and I tell anything and everything to), no one. This picture is a few days past a year old. My marriage was ending, and this guy, we will call him Wolfy, invited me out with his friends to a renaissance festival. My husband wouldn’t go, (again we were on the ending of our marriage) so I went without him. This day started something that would turn my world upside down. I felt like myself for the first time in months, after my husband had controlled me and pushed me around, told me he wanted a “proper southern wife”. I got to dress up as a fairy and be my true self around new people. It was incredible, and I felt myself coming back to life. After a perfect day, Wolfy and I exchanged texts of excitement and happiness. We started writing together and it was… amazing. I felt the real me coming back from a coma. Time went on, Wolfy and I delved deeper. We shared the black spots on our souls, the unforgivable things we told no one that we had done or endured. For the first time in my life, I was absolved of guilt, understood, and made to feel precious but not damaged. My husband remained distant, aloof, uninterested in me, would not speak to me, and proceeded to drink up all of our money. Wolfy became a haven as a friend and confidante. Nothing more. But when my husband moved out, I was left alone and abandoned. Scared. I’d never totally been on my own. But there was Wolfy, to console me, listen… everything. When my husband called it quits and moved out, Wolfy and I proceeded to take our relationship to the next level. We made love… a lot. Passionate love like I’d never felt, his touch was warm and soothing. He kissed my eye lids like I’d read about in all my favorite romance novels. And from that point on I could do nothing but love him, deeply and passionately. Because I’m not that girl who can sleep around, I get attached from sex. But this time it didn’t matter. I didn’t want to hold back. I’d spent 6 years with someone that could barely love me, and now that love had presented itself real and more intense than I’d ever imagined, I gave no thought to holding back to save myself. Hindsight is 20/20. We spent all last summer, sharing poetry, books and movies, songs and stories. And every chance we had that love making where I could feel our souls binding together. We had this saying, that we are one another’a Star dust. Because when a star dies, it scatters and plants seeds across the universe to create new stars. And he and I were born from the same star. He could make me laugh until my sides hurt, he could make me smile on my worst days. He was in love with my singing voice, as no one had ever been. But like Mr. Rochester had Bertha in his attic, Wolfy had a wife of his own at home, as well as her two kids that he adopted as his own. I knew about them though, they were no surprise. But his marriage made him miserable, his wife treated him like a meal ticket. I tried to leave him, told him I couldn’t be the other woman, that i wasn’t this person that wrecked marriages and tore families apart. I know you have no reason to believe me, reader, but I’m really not that girl. He assured me his marriage was wrecked, he had been wanting to leave her for some time, but he was afraid because of his kids. I told him I understood, but if he couldn’t do it, then he and I needed to end. Because I was not going to be his mistress. As you can imagine, this story goes pretty much text book from here. He told me he was ready to leave her, but then rebuked. Said he couldn’t do, and I stayed anyway. The feelings, those intense soul binding feelings gave me no will power of my own. He called, I was right there. We texted in secret, and when his wife said he was texting me too much we took to messenger. Every avenue we could we stayed in touch. But by September and October, I found myself seeking something more. As if I could find my soul mate in anyone else. But I wanted to be loved in the day light, I wanted to be loved in the sun, not just at night in secret for a few small hours. Wolfy didn’t handle it well when he found out. I hadn’t told him everything. That id sought companionship elsewhere… but he found out anyway. I’m not a good liar or secret keeper. By November I had plans to have someone move in I knew from high school, someone I thought I could one day love close to as much as I loved Wolfy. I had to try. Wolfy and I exchanged gifts for Christmas, spent every day we could together until I was to let him go forever. December 29th was supposed to be our last day. But it wasn’t, he told me he had to leave his wife, that I was all he wanted and he couldn’t be without me. We talked about living together, how happy we would be. How perfect and sweet, and loving our lives would be. There was a couple of close calls, where we were almost caught, but it didn’t matter. He and I were going to be together, be married and live happily ever after. The boy that moved in with me went back home when he realized I was not in love with him. I was in love with someone else, with my soul mate. I was working and spending time with Wolfy when I could, counting down the days until he pulled away and left his wife. I promised him I’d be so good to his kids, that I’d be peaceful with his ex and never be rude or speak negatively of her. He knew I was speaking the truth. That I would never hurt him or his family, at least not more than I already had. January came… and went. February and Valentine’s Day. That’s when it all fell apart. Wolfy got me Valentine’s Day goodies, but also got his wife flowers. I wasn’t mad or jealous just hurt, if he was pulling away and getting ready to leave her, then wasn’t that sending a mixed signal? A week later, my ex husband needed something he’d left at our home and I obliged he could come get it. He offered to take me to the book store and dinner, I went. And when we came back to the house, we had a long talk about making peace, that we couldn’t be together, but that we shouldn’t keep being so awful to each other. I agreed. There was a hug, and kiss exchange. Nothing erotic, just a letting go and making peace. Wolfy had been at the library with his kids and his wife. He’d sent me pictures of her sitting right beside him. He wasn’t having any contact with me, so part of me going out with my ex was revenge for him ignoring me. I was hurt, I felt betrayed. What I didn’t know was that he had eventually tried to reach me. He also drove by my house and saw Zach was there, saw us kiss at the front door. But I had no idea, so when he confronted me about it, I lied. I lied. Because I was so afraid. But he pulled the truth out of me eventually, he always does. And I cried and said I was sorry, it didn’t mean anything, I just needed closure. It was true. But he told me “I can’t destroy my kids for you when you’re willing to lie to me.” So he called it all off. Said he was done and we were done, he was staying. I was distraught. I’d made a mistake but dammit, I didn’t deserve that. But as they say, let sleeping dogs lie. So I did. I sunk into a depression, I hated myself, and I tried to reconcile my heartbreak. Wolfy couldn’t stay away, because he says he was so in love with me. So we started talking more, went back to having our days together. I didn’t know what we were, I guess just two people having an affair. He kept reaffirming to me we had no future, it was my fault, but he still wanted to see me. So I was there, every time he called or texted. For another month. Until I wasn’t. An old friend recently broke off his engagement and asked me out for a drink. I went because he seemed like a good person, and I was lonely and tired of being sad. We drank, laughed, talked, I felt like me again. But that night Wolfy knew something was amiss, and he blew up my phone well until 2 am. I was kissing this guy in his bed, but quickly backed things off. Again, not the girl that sleeps around. Plus, Wolfy was still king in my heart no matter what I did. I told Wolfy what had happened, and he told me he was reconsidering coming back to me. But I’d broken his trust again. I tried to explain my actions, that it hadn’t really meant anything, that I was so confused on where we stood. But none of it mattered. He’d made up his mind, and I readied for the blow where he would cut me off, no longer to download the texting app he used to contact me. As fate would have it, he didn’t stay away then either. And since I had hope, not much but just enough, I pushed every boy out of my life. I would show Wolfy I was good and faithful. That he was all that mattered to me and that I could be honest and trust worthy. It was all I wanted. He is all I want. This brings us to last Sunday… he arrived a little after 7 am. I was so excited to see him, I woke up well before then without setting an alarm. He was once again, in my bed, in my arms. All was perfect and well. We took my dogs to the groomer, got pizza and watched a touching movie. We took a hot bath and made love, I laid him on my bed and massages him from head to toe. I told him I’d never loved someone so much that I wanted to serve them. Not like that. He said he knew, he believed that. I brought up having his child one day, he said it might happen still. But then we went to pick up my dogs from the groomer, and his wife had driven by his work and asked where his truck was. He panicked. I had to take him back to my house to shower, change and leave. I whip the car around and gun it. The last thing I wanted was to get him caught. And that’s when he tells me: today is our last day together. I lose it, sobbing and hiccuping. I didn’t just feel my heart shattering, no this time I felt my soul shredding apart. It wrecked me. I was pressed for time, I had to get my dogs, so we said farewell. He called to tell me he’d left things at my house. He meant to do this properly, so we could have a clean break. So he left things to come back for. So we could talk and end things on a different note. And here I am… barely surviving. I’m so distraught. I don’t know how to deal with these feelings. Feeling like my love isn’t good enough, knowing he’s done. He can’t do this anymore, because I’ve lied too much, he can get over last fall. Over lying about my ex. It’s over. I’ve barely heard from him all week. A close family member died of his, so I’ve tried to put my pain aside to be there for him. I drove to his house Tuesday to bring him his necklace he left at my house. He needed it for strength, Thor’s hammer. He told me he loved me, kissed me and hugged me. I cried all the way back to work. I don’t know how I’ll get over this, how I will deal with this. Soon I’ll be living closer to him, in a town painted with memories. The vet where he picked up his dog after vacation and we met up and made love in my car. The lake where we would sit on the dock and kiss and talk, so many places. So if anyone has any advice on how to get over it, how to turn off that love, how to heal, I’ll take it. Because right now I feel like I’ll never be okay again. Like I’ll never find my soulmate again. I’ve lost everything, because I gave someone pieces of me that I can never get back or replace. Heartbreak is no joke, it’s not fair… the pain alone isn’t worth it.
I wanted to add to this post before I take it down for good. So, I have fully moved on with my life. Clarity came and I was able to tear myself away from this toxic situation. But heavy on my heart was the other person in this situation, his wife. So against my better judgement, I realized I had her number in my phone and texted an apology. A heartfelt sincere apology. The best I could. She asked me a lot of things, because apparently her husband never had and never would tell the truth of what happened. I couldn’t either. She told me she wanted to beat the shit out of me, she said it years ago when we were almost caught and reminded me of it yet again. So I tried to skate around things and just say sorry. It worked. At the end of the day, that isn’t my business anymore. I attempted to atone for what I had done, and if he wants to come clean that is on him. Besides, how could I tell her that I didn’t try to steal him? That he manipulated me? That he brainwashed me? That he said he didn’t want her and was staying for the kids? That’s not fair and who would believe me? I’d sound like the other woman scorned right? So let lying dogs lie I guess. I did my best. I have my own little family now to protect. I’m not a fighter. I’m just a girl who made some bad choices, but good things came my way eventually too. So if you’ve been where I’ve been, I hope this helps you. Absolve yourself of the guilt. It isn’t all your fault.
