yes, hi!

my diary—

[mvzng]

so, no. i can’t clearly remember you with just happiness and love. it was full of burden, sadness, and traumas.

[mvzng]

i’ve been surrounded by narcissists

over the years, i really don’t know why i always have a thing with these people. even worse, i love them. i have loved them so much. i analyze and come up with these feelings by being with them:

1. I get more stressed: Every-time I am stress and needed someone to talk to, i get more stressed and even questioned myself for being stressed.

2. I am not good at anything: I got support and greetings from everybody except from them (which i have mentioned, to someone i have loved). Instead, they would tell me I should have done better or they can also achieve what I just achieved. (I believed them)

3. I was weak: When I told them that their thing is not my thing, they’ll assume and express that I am weak, for not just doing what they can do.

4. I was too kind for people who don’t deserve my kindness: They told me that being too nice would just make me more miserable and that I am afraid to lose the people around me.

5. I have to over-explain: I tend to explain all over again just to prove a single thing. I have to over explain just to make them understand me.

6. I need to be the apologetic one: They’ll make me realize that I am the suspect and I needed to say ‘sorry’.

7. I will never be successful without them: They made me think that I need them to be a better person and be successful.

8. I overthink a lot: Before I make a move, I have to think 10 plans just for them to feel overly validated.

These are just some of it. While writing this, I am glad and proud of myself for keeping myself from these kind of people.

I finally realize that I wasn’t weak, that being an over-thinker is really not in my character, and achieving something is not because of them.

It takes a lot of courage to let go these kind of people because they really do shows that they are dependable, they are kind of people that we adore, they are the kind of people that we can learn a lot.

A gentle reminder that, a narcissists people would never realize their fault, they are lack of self-awareness, and the only just and right are themselves.

Always prioritize yourself. Always prioritize your mental health.

[summa-rieth-deactivated20260511]

ARREST BATO. IMPEACH SARA.

[mvzng]

cloud nine

Sometimes, I feel like I’m stepping on a cloud. I scroll through my social media, looking at the photos I’ve posted and the unposted videos in my gallery. I don’t know how it all happened, but I do know that I was brave enough to live through every one of those moments.

Sometimes, I’m still shocked to remember that I experienced everything alone. I ask myself, 'How did I do that?' All I know is that I showed up for myself, even when it was hard. So hard.

[mvzng]

i just met the boy version of me

[mvzng]

"mahal na mahal kita"

it keeps repeating in my head kahit tatlong taon na nakalipas ko yan huling narinig. parang kahapon lang.

[scorpionlafemme]

[mvzng]

"sana magkatagpo ulit ang mga landas natin."

[mvzng]

i met your friend

yesterday, in an event, I met your friend from college. i haven't seen her ever when we were together. she asked how's life after when we broke up. she even told me that she thought you found "the one" and you're really ready to settle down.

sabi pa niya, "akala ko okay na si Troy. tapos, nagulat kami break na kayo. hindi na siya sumasama samin before tapos nung pinost niya yung picture with car, sobrang na-happy kami para sa kanya. akala namin okay na siya."

"kumusta ka? masaya ka naman?" sumagot ako ng labas sa ilong haha kasi parang ngayon lang ako natanong ng ganon. i can't say I'm happy. pero oo, nae-enjoy ko yung mga bagay na ginagawa ko ngayon. pero on a deeper level of happiness? i really don't know.

before writing this, hindi ko alam kung bakit ako malungkot. pero ngayon alam ko na. parang somehow, nagsisisi ako sa mga nagawa ko. hindi ko alam kung kailangan ko na lang lunukin lahat ng ginawa ko. lahat ng nasabi ko. am i really too late? hindi na ba talaga ako pwede bumawi? hindi na ba talaga pwede?

masaya ka na ba?

kaya mo na ba sumaya na hindi ako kasama?

kumusta ka na?

naiisip mo pa rin ba ako minsan?

"ako yung nag-initiate ng break-up idea" kung hindi mo pa ako npapatawad, sana dumating na yung panahon na mapatawad ko na yung sarili ko.

[mvzng]

i don't know how to grieve

many of the closest people in my life have passed away, and I don't know how to grieve.

i have experienced pain and sadness all my life, but the feeling of grief is different.

alam ko lang na malungkot ako, but i don't know how to express it. ibang lungkot pala yung grief. yung pakiramdam na malungkot ka at kailangan mo lang mabuhay kasama yung lungkot na yon, kasi yung taong dahilan ng grief mo ay wala na. tapos, wala ka nang magagawa don kundi tanggapin at live with it.

ang hirap kasi parang sa dami ng sakit at lungkot na napagdaanan ko, yung mawalan pa ng tao sa buhay yung madaling tanggapin para sa akin. which is really frustrating to think about.

bakit naman mas nauna ko pang naranasan yung mga yon, kaysa sa ganitong pagkakataon.

sa totoo lang, nagu-guilty ako kasi alam kong malungkot ako, pero bakit ang dali sakin tanggapin na may mawawala na namang importanteng tao sa buhay ko?

is it because of the pain and sadness I've experienced, or is it because of my support system, or is it just because that's how I think?

i hate adulting.

[mvzng]

i can't stop

thinking about you was the easiest thing to do every day, but it was also the hardest thing to think about.

every day, I hope and wish that you'd ask for me. I lied when I said I didn't want you to ask me, but I always love it.

why do we love drama? why do we love to make ourselves sad and let each other long for our presence?

you make it so hard for us.

i bet you really want a messy, challenging, and noisy path.

i hope we meet someday, where we love the path we chose differently.

[mvzng]

i'm tired. really so tired. but, what's this feeling of i have to be strong and show that i'm not tired

[landsccape]

[natureell]

[000l]

honestly, my main priority right now is getting my life on track and becoming a better me. i couldn't care less who stays or who goes, this chapter of my life is for me.

[mvzng]

i feel so empty right now and decided to write.

i feel so empty, unfamiliar, and lost. i miss the feeling of comfortabilty, familiarity, and constantly feeling of contentment.

damn, those feelings were so hard to find.

[stricatul]

I think true love is when two people make each other love themselves more.