Vanitas

“Love me as I am, with all my imperfections. Burn your existence into me— etch in a story of us worth remembering. Even if we fade away into nothing, our spark will burn bright among the stars.”

[my-dearest-aster]

Masterlist – TO BE REMADE

This blog is dedicated to the fleeting stories, moments, thoughts, dreams, people and emotions— all from the eyes of a transient, incomplete observer.

* Excuse the discombobulated mess of the current contents. It's a work in progress. (¬_¬")

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Abyss

Garden

070624 — Aster 041224 — Hydrangeas 210824 — Orchid 130724 — Red Spider Lily 230325 — Wisteria

Letters Unsent

Of Love

Portraits

Reveries

Seasons

Tales of the Chestnut Tree

The Self

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[my-dearest-aster]

[260625]

Summer heatwaves Drunken, dizzy tunes In discordant love songs Moans behind the microphone

Red, intangible lines Timeless mirages Strings of fate cut By the harsh saltwater vapor

All melts in concrete Like a gasoline puddle In diluted rainbows Familiar, acrid sweetness

Frozen cherries Against hot, starving tongues Rhythmless reverence Of graceless poets.

[my-dearest-aster]

[080425]

I was born on a Tuesday

In a sense, I am just another day

That gets skipped over

In a brief week 

A calendar date

That never comes circled

A meaningless holiday,

Irrelevant ache 

Though not a Sunday,

The sun burns much brighter 

Blessed by the God of War

Struck by stillness of his waking

I'm alive forevermore 

From searing flames

To golden dust

Arbitrary arbitration

A judgement turns all stars to ash

Longing for some cruel salvation 

On a Tuesday, 

The flowers bloomed wider

The snow fell harder

And my love for them grew 

Linden taste whispered,

Teased the strands in your fingers

With doe, hickory eyes

And lips wet from dew 

...And while I've never seemed

Like I'm the safest option

I somehow still wish

To be noticed by you.

[my-dearest-aster]

[230325]

Wisteria, I fall

Under your gloomy gaze

Through soothing spring winds

And your wuthering breaths

Seldom catch I air

Of beauty deep as yours 

Eyes that know all of 

My still evening blues

Your gaze is forgiving

Lips, heaven's light

I pretend I don't notice

You hold my wrist too tight

Wisteria, I fall

In the shrubs 'neath the trees

Curled up in a storm

Of your petals and dreams

I long to awaken

But deep down I know

You cherish me, somehow

But never say so

Your bark is still chilling

But I love your face

The rustle of flowers

And the cold of your gaze

Wisteria, I fall

For the thousandth time

...And I'll wait for the day

I get to call you mine.

[my-dearest-aster]

[160225]

I thought of you again

Though I wish I hadn't

Like a sense of heimweh

It crept up on me

The night concealed it well

The thread was thick enough

To hide traces of you

And sneak to my fingertips

It's still in the air

Heavy garments replace your touch

Accidental

We both knew it wasn't

Yet I convinced myself

In an indifferent lie

It's been long since those times

Isolated uncertainty

In all warning shots—

I'm the collateral.

[my-dearest-aster]

[070225]

I have my mother's hands

And my father's chestnut eyes

Elegance should be my name

But in me only barrenness lies

Buried with someone 

Who wasn't meant to be

Maybe it is my blood,

Or the sweat and tears

And the resentment

In whose shadow I grew

I am still myself

So much

That I wish I wasn't 

Now that cold hands 

Grip my throat

Forcing down all circulation.

[my-dearest-aster]

[270125]

I have my mother's fair lips

My father's crooked teeth

I am a composition

Of everything there was

And everything that will ever be

It's not just in my blood

Or sweat, or set of genes

Nor the love

In which I've been nurtured

I am so myself

In fact, 

I've never been more myself

Than to know I dearly love

All that is a part of me.

[my-dearest-aster]

[140125]

The pits of my stomach boil

I look around

And you're not here

Waiting for your hands to coil

'Round my neck and make me real

Make a toast to some new love 

If I make it to next year

Clench my fists and tear apart

All of which I held so dear

I drink more and more and more

Feast the fire of my heart

Break down, curl up on the floor

Take the pain and make it art

And I'll wait and wait and wait

Hardly lucid, waging war

Knowing you will never come

Stare like death at my locked door

Endlessly

Ceaselessly

Hopelessly

Fearlessly

Sitting and suffering 

Cackling and blubbering

You've gone away

I've gone mad for you

Crackling and thundering

Silently pondering

Cupid impaled me 

With my own sword—

Left me a hole 

In the image of you.

[my-dearest-aster]

[070125]

I know death 

And many of its forms

It's no reaper or an old man

Nor a child, or any face at all

It's all but a living thing

A looming presence under whose wing

Even a giant covers alone

It's a lingering smoke

And an ashtray full at home

A burnt out candle

And cigarette butts.

I know death

And its many cruel faces

Like a whisper at night

Or the news on the phone

In letters 

That never found their recipient

And orphans in houses 

That never found a home

I know death

And the rhythm it follows

Its oppressive air finds its way to my lungs

It settles in each corner

Where life isn't worth living 

And snakes its way 

To the simplest of thoughts

And I say I know death

It's all natural order

Even the sun dies at the end of each day

But there is something bigger

Of which I'd say I know nothing—

How is it so easy that life slips away?

And I'll say it again, 

Though I'm sick of it calling

Why does life make it

Just so hard to stay?

In cold, empty sighs

And a pictures' worth reminiscing 

I remain with this countdown;

Waiting for the day

There won't be a smile

Or a single goodbye

All voices are lost

In favour of a cry

And I am not yet sure

Of which stance I'm to take

Once all time slips away

Leaving grief in its wake

And I know death

I know each ending

But it is that sorrow 

That I am still fearing for

Once there is lament

With its hollow presence

The ghost of its memories

Will swallow me whole.

And I know death, and its eyes that I'm facing

But what of a life that was left behind?

[my-dearest-aster]

[311224]

I thought of writing myself a letter

Too late

Or perhaps too soon 

It's more than hard to tell

At 21:42 not much means more

Than olden reflections

Caresses of ice and concrete and mist 

Reveries, memories

They're all the same

Forever gone once

The next morning comes 

Fallen in frost

Pictures pale with snow

Faded with kisses

Smiles borne anew

Though cold fog

And fire in the sky 

Is it a gunshot,

Or the ever-festive silence?

Or the ringing of bells

Of imaginary reindeer 

And cellophane-wrapped elves

Rhinestone flowers that adorn

The front of your TV screen 

Wondering why my breath falls so leaden

Like the last moon

In the late polar winds

The final resolution

Of all years passed 

I've made my peace.

[my-dearest-aster]

[251223]

Between every paling page

And yellowing edge

I weep

For I seek countless worlds

So distant from the one

Outside the covers

Dimming lights

And another reverie in denial

Of all we suffer day-to-day

And in thousands of wishes

We come up with every year

How come there is no consciousness of

Ever-present despair

That lives on

In every war

Child

Beneath every door

That makes way for those who

Play gods on Earth and

Tarnish the image of

The one they have long since stopped representing?

Repressed and alone

Another social tragedy

Though, is it merely social if it regards all of mankind?

In chests, where a heart refuses to beat

In faces, that become

More alike to beasts and swines each day

Stone, Lead, Iron

All rust and moss,

Ash and decay.

To live at last is to die

But we have never lived at all

Existence, Existence

Too long have we hoped to dream

With our gouged-out, open eyes

So just sleep

Sleep in a lie and die.

It’s not so bad

«What do you know if not misery?»

[my-dearest-aster]

[231224]

I use you 

In the most innocent of ways

You're no good for me

But I carry you with

When the days are bleak

Or when I bleed in writing

When I am hopeless

Again and again

You strike into the 

Heart of the issue

The core of the problem

The dead centre of my heart

Reappearing like a stranger

In ceaseless repetition

Slipping down 

Or arising anew

Our eyes will meet

But we'll never say a word

Drowning in the air 

That both we exude 

Too drunk on your gaze

While yours devours mine

No, Amore

We cannot be friends

We're not even lovers

Just at our wits' ends

Perpetually coveting

What we mustn't crave

« So meet me with a kiss

The next time you leave. »

And we'll stay like this, in silent yearning 

Lost together, decades-bound

Our worlds remain like oil on water

A lingering heartache 

When you're not around 

[...And I'll never say it.]

[my-dearest-aster]

[141224]

I am a parasite

I sleep and eat

And crawl in your floorboards

My hair is seaweed and moss

A festering corpse on the bed

That you oversee

From the head of your high table 

I am a disease

The sight that plagues you 

The one that never gets better

Illness that creeps under your skin

Feeds on your sweat and tears

Boils in your blood 

It would be much easier 

If I was not alive

If I didn't breathe

Or speak

Or make any noise at all 

Yet

The silence is too loud

You wish me gone for it too

Out of sight, out of mind

Like a chirp of morning birds 

An obnoxious pitch of

Your voice in my mouth

Or, perhaps a reflection

Of myself in everything

That only ever ailed you 

You don't remember feeling so lost

You buried yourself 

A long time ago

But the symptoms spread

Gnawing away at your wits 

Through whatever eyes

You try and see me now 

You still forget

that 

I am just your daughter.

[my-dearest-aster]

[041224]

The wounds you inflict on me

Are a crystal chandelier 

A kaleidoscope

Of my heart's fragments

Hydrangeas feel bitter

in the wake of your dawn

The blueing of my soul

Is just another dress or bruise

You couldn't tell

One or the other apart

You'd just be appalled,

Fascinated

That I had even dared

Utter a word.

[my-dearest-aster]

[011224]

I haven't quite mourned myself

Since the day that you left

I keep clinging to hope

Like a liar, a desperate child

Missing you is just

Another way of saying goodbye

To myself

And my façade

Since

I have never been the same.

I will never be the same.

Bliss is just 

Another rope around my neck

A name left unspoken

A call I don't heed

What aids me is what ails me

I don't get to make a call

Or say farewell

To what I am now

Or who I might have been

And I don't blame you

I just wish

The pain wasn't ours to bear.

[my-dearest-aster]

[211124]

I'd wake up again and again

To the face I wish forgotten

Lament my own loneliness

Like a myriad of lost kisses

Coffee at your place

Dinner made at nine

Long conversations

I'd lose track or time

We both crash on your couch

That looks terribly like mine

My heart flutters each second

As I meet your eyes

Your voice is as I'd remember

A softer-than-spring tone

Perhaps you're the soulmate

I never wished was born

But then I always wonder

Do you dream of me, too?

Or am I just biting off

More than I could chew?

Do you seek me out

Each morning in your room

Once you, yourself, awaken

And see you're lonely, too?

[...Or is it just me who suffers?]

[my-dearest-aster]

[191124]

I am infatuated

With a man that calls me hate

The one I see occasionally 

Refuse to recognise my face

Or maybe can no longer

For my image was sheer cold

Once he tried to beckon over

What I've long cajoled

To let go and find anew

Somewhere in a dream

Perhaps at once will my eyes forget

The image I had longed to see.