my mind, my thoughts, my words

Meghan // 20 // she/her // hopeless romantic This will be my space to post my writing. There's no rhyme or reason to it. Just little pieces I wrote to be able to process my emotions better. Header art is not mine.

[my-thoughts-in-writing]

eclipse

The grasp you have on my soul is comparable to the tether the sun has on the moon. With each waking moment I spend thinking of you and what we shared I feel this incredulous pull from within my being that keeps me rooted to you. You are the sun. A bright shining star that is forced into the solitude of providing light for those around you. I am the moon. Lit by the remnants of your glow. Consistently striving to be alongside you, yet rarely ever truly being in your presence. But what about that rare occurrence when I finally am with you for mere moments. It is ethereal and surreal. An eclipse. When I am finally able to allow you to dim your light. To rest for a mere moment. Our story is one and the same of the love story between the sun and moon. Where I am constantly chasing and you are blissfully unaware of my presence until the striking moment when I block your light and give you a shred of peace. The part that saddens me most is that you do not get to see me when I am glowing at my brightest, as I do you. For we are on opposite sides of the world. For we are distorted reflections of each other's pain and healing. I wonder if we are bound to stay this way forever, or if the sun and moon will finally be able to settle into space together and remain by each other's side until their light and darkness fade simultaneously.

[my-thoughts-in-writing]

His Eyes

Looking into his eyes was like looking into a deep forest

Where the sun rarely peaked through the thick canopy of leaves and branches

And the trees created a mirage of every shade of green and brown known to man

Looking into his eyes brought me peace

It made the world around me disappear as if I was in an enchanted forest with only him

I felt safe and loved

The pure, unadulterated adoration and tenderness made me weak in the knees

Thawing the frost from my once broken heart, melting me from the inside out

The warmth from his gaze radiated through me like a summer breeze flowing through the branches of a willow tree

It was singlehandedly the best felling I've ever felt

Well, that's at least what my mind imagines it would feel like

The truth is I've never experienced this with him

Only through the screens and cameras of our phones and pictures he'd send from across the world

The ocean that separates us is my worst enemy

But it's hard to be upset when his love travels to me and through me from afar

The universe is cruel

Making me fall in love with a man with whom I've never met

Sending me into spirals of joyful euphoria

I yearn to feel this again

Not with anyone else

Just him

[fromdarzaitoleeza]

He's more myself than I am ,whatever our souls are made up of , his and mine are the same

-Wuthering heights, Emily bronte

[my-thoughts-in-writing]

Reading these makes my soul ache

[xiaq]

[anitahailey]

Lost in nature💚✨

[my-thoughts-in-writing]

You are not welcome here anymore

Do you still believe that we are friends?

Do you truly think that I want to share my life with you?

Let you in and allow you to know me.

The real me.

My answer is no.

I am done letting you walk in and out of my life as if you own it.

Knowing me is a privilege that you no longer have.

I may have loved you once, but that was a long time ago.

You came into my life and I believed that you were going to be my best friend until we grew old.

I even believed that we would get married at some point.

I let you come into my life

And you got too comfortable.

Constantly throwing all of your problems onto me when you had too much to drink.

Never answering when I needed to do the same.

Making excuses and stringing me along

Making me think that you loved me.

Honestly, I don't think you're capable of love.

Not the kind of love that I needed from you.

So no.

You are not allowed to know me anymore.

You are not welcome in the safe space that I created for myself after you broke me into millions and billions of pieces that my true friends and family spent time helping me pick up and put back together.

I no longer need you to feel whole.

Or worthy.

Or enough.

I am all of those things and more without you or anybody else.

You hurt me.

And I took that pain and turned it into independence, self love, and so much more.

So thank you for tearing me apart so I could build myself back up with a stronger foundation.

Thank you for showing me your true self before I gave you too much of me.

Sometimes I wish I could hate you.

I want to just be angry and lash out on you.

It would be easy.

But hate and anger take too much energy.

And frankly, you don't deserve my time nor my energy.

So, once again

No

You are not welcome here anymore.

[quotemadness]

“Note to self: You’ve gotta do this for you. This is for you. This isn’t about anybody. Live for you. Honor you. Never lose sight of that.”

— Unknown

[my-thoughts-in-writing]

A letter to the boy I loved, but never met

Dear you,

I want you to know that I loved you. Truly. Deeply. Excruciatingly. I loved our FaceTime calls that lasted for hours and watching movies together from different rooms; homes; cities; countries; continents. I loved how you called me baby and whispered i love you over and over again through the phone. I loved when you'd ask me to sing your favorite slow songs as you tried to fall asleep. I loved that you always stayed up when I wasn't tired so I wouldn't be alone, even though you were seven hours ahead and had to wake up in a few hours. I loved when i could hear your breathing even out when you finally fell asleep at night. I loved that you drank your tea from a yellow mug and wore yellow when you missed me because it was my favorite color. I loved that you talked to me as if you were right next to me. I loved when you called me beautiful even when my hair was a mess and I was clad in sweatpants. I love that you taught me what love felt like. 

I hated when I had to hang up the phone. I hated that we weren't watching movies off of the same screen. I hated that I had to hear you say i love you through the phone rather than hearing you softly whisper it into my ear. I hated that we couldn't sing our favorite songs while slow dancing in the refrigerator light at 3am. I hated that we had to fall asleep in separate beds with nothing to hold but our pillows. I hated that you were seven hours ahead and lost so much sleep to stay up with me. I hated that I couldn't see every ounce of stress and worry leave your body as you fell asleep at night, softly snoring. I hated that we couldn't sip tea together as the morning sunrise shone across our features in a sea of yellow and golden hues. I hated that I had to listen to your voice through a speaker instead of feeling the vibrations of your words as I held you close and carried on meaningless conversations. I hate that I couldn't hear the words you're beautiful roll off your tongue in your accent as we laid in bed wasting the day away in our pajamas. I hate that I took all of your love and gave so little back. 

Our love story was a tragically beautiful poem that was ahead of its time. Written too soon. My heart loved you from across an ocean, but my brain couldn't even think of the beach. 

I was a seventeen year old girl who fell in love with someone she'd never met. Yet, when I think back to that time, as I sit in my room nearly three years later, I know that I have never felt love the way I felt it from you. So why is it that I decided to break your heart. I was scared. We were getting so serious and I was scared that we would meet and you wouldn't want me anymore. I was young and insecure. I was selfish. I shattered your heart into a million pieces to ensure that you wouldn't have the chance to break mine. 

Sometimes when I think about you, I wonder if my decision to leave you was good for you. I think I always knew deep down that I was a hinderance on your growth. I knew that you needed to sleep more. I knew that you needed to go out and party. I knew that you needed to focus on your school work. I knew that you needed to become your own person. I knew that if you were dating me, none of that would be possible. Is this an excuse for my selfish, toxic behavior? Or is this me being an adult and knowing what's best for other people's interests?

I lay here thinking about how you fought so hard for me to stay and I realize that the day where I forgive myself for the way I hurt you will never come. No matter how many times I apologize, it will never be enough for the boy I loved and never met.

With love,       The girl who loved you  and broke your heart