So, I SUCK at expressing what I want sexually. I mean, in the moment, I’m good to go. I’ll tell you how to fuck me all day long once I’m wound up. But, in the calm of the day, it makes me PROFOUNDLY uncomfortable to say what I need. I think it stems from the idea that desiring sex, particularly kinky sex, is dirty and wrong. There is also a healthy dose of wanting to please my partner to the complete exclusion of getting what I fantasize about in my head. Somewhere along the line I made up “rules” for my sexuality and amongst those rules was the idea that I should find more pleasure in pleasing my partner than in ANYTHING they can do for me. This causes me some huge challenges when I’m desiring something I’m not getting. So I’ve been kinky, in my head, since I started forming an idea of sexuality. I remember being a young kid and LOVING the damsel in distress role in our backyard games. Even better if the other kids were holding me down lol. It wasn’t sexual at the time but I remember it being strongly pleasurable. Anyway, as soon as I started having sex I started experimenting with kink. By the time I was 28, I was allowing my partner to use medical staples to adorn my body with ribbon and tie those ribbons to things to restrain me. The release I experienced in going to the extremes of kink was nothing short of life altering. You can’t experiment with such extreme physical sensation and not have your perspectives change. At least in my humble opinion.
Anyway, when I met G I was participating in the most extreme kink I’ve ever tried out. It certainly isn’t the furthest you can go, but it was further than I’d imagined I could go. It was liberating. Pushing my mind and body became a journey into seeing what I was capable of. It might seem odd to say that being a submissive and giving my body over to another person is powerful but it made me feel intoxicatingly powerful. And, in my case, I knew my partner was equally invested in how far I could go. Anyway, that is where I was when I met G. G wasn’t kinky. That’s DEFINITELY not to say he can’t be kinky but he wasn’t born knowing he was kinky, the way I was. So, when I would come home those first few months bruised and a little bloody I’d be desperately worried what he thought of me. He never reacted poorly or said anything negative but I was falling madly in love with him and just didn’t want to live both lives anymore. I ended things with that other partner. Honestly, in a way I’m really not proud of. I decided I didn’t need kink and instead focused all my energy on what was (and is) a very intense relationship between G and I. For the last four years that hasn’t really changed.
Then the last few months happened. Those months have included some extreme external stressors as well as a very stressful pregnancy. And, I realized all I wanted was a break. I so desperately needed permission to let myself take a mental break. At the same time I began desperately trying to figure out what had worked for me in the past. I can’t drink (pregnant) and that’s not my favorite outlet but it sure as hell helps sometimes. I had weight loss surgery so I can’t eat myself into distraction, not a good choice anyway. I’ve been on gym restriction due some complications with the pregnancy. How did I relax in the past? And it hit me. Kink was my drug of choice. The brain chemicals, the power, feeling so in touch with myself, they all help me relax and feel grounded when nothing else does. Frankly, I also love it. So, after this realization, I sat with it, for a week or so. I kept trying to muster the courage to talk to G. Here I am a very confident grown woman afraid to talk to her partner about sex. Sigh. I’m embarrassed by how hard it is for me. About a week later, in bed, without looking at him, I started in on the conversation. How do you tell someone you’re madly in love with you need more without making them feel like less. And if he can’t go here with me what then?! All these things were running full steam in my head. But I finally spoke, out loud, about what I desired. He was so patient and let me be clear, I was barely making sense I was so flustered. He acknowledged my desires and didn’t make me feel badly, told me he was willing to try going there while also acknowledging his own uncertainty. It was a hard conversation for me but he was wonderful.
Now he’s reading a couple of kink books and practicing tying me up. It’s one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me. A few nights ago he did a sort of body harness with rope on me and teased me and fucked me and made me cum and for the first time, in a very long time, I was able to fly away for awhile. It astounded me how easily it came to me with him and, frankly, without anything super kinky on his end. I ended up sobbing while he was still inside me and he wiped my tears away and snuggled me close. It was exactly what I needed and, in those moments I wasn’t even worried if he was only doing this for me. Two really amazing things came out of that too. First, they showed both of us a glimpse into what might be possible between us. And, I won’t lie, I’m so curious to see how far he will want to go and where that will lead us. Two, he discovered he found as much joy in our experience as I did. I’m not sure which one of us that was more important to and I’m nothing short of eternally grateful that I asked for what I wanted.
I hope, someday, to not feel shame in my desires but, in the meantime, I’m so grateful to have a partner who is willing to step out of his comfort zone for me. The possibilities are endlessly exciting from here.
