I miss you.
I miss you so much it literally hurts. I don’t understand the reason why. I keep looking back trying to figure out where it all went wrong. I keep trying to figure out what I could’ve done better or different. I blame myself, when I know that’s not fair because we both could’ve done things differently and better. I don’t understand where/when everything went south. How as I was falling deeper and deeper in love with you, you were pulling farther and farther away from me, yet you were always there. How could you have promised so many things and change your mind in what seemed like a second. What can others give you that I couldn’t? I know I wasn’t perfect but I tried so hard to be the best Version of myself for you. I tried so hard. I made you my number one priority, above ALL things. And maybe that’s where I was wrong. Because I would put your comfort over my own and it seemed like that was never reciprocated so I grew frustrated and angry yet I still kept making your life comfortable. You were my best friend, I loved spending time with you because that meant new memories, even if they were of us just laying in bed watching a movie or falling asleep. Sleep, the best I ever had when I was with you. I felt safe, I felt loved, I felt cared for, how did that all change? Were you just hugging me and not feeling anything? I wonder. When we made love, was it just sex? Since when? I saw it as a connection, & it was just humanly pleasure for you. I was at my most vulnerable, me entregue completamente, for what? For you to decide you were not in love with me anymore? I wish this was all a bad dream, every single day I wish you would realize that I am here for you and I would do anything for you & to make this whole thing work. It’s this weird pain you know, you can literally feel it everywhere, you’re heart literally hurts. I can’t get you off of my mind, I think of you constantly, I wonder how it is that you’re SO AT PEACE & it hurts me, it hurts me that you are so okay with cutting me off completely. What happened to wanting to work things out? What happened to you felt so lucky to have me in your life and weren’t going to give up? WHAT HAPPENED? I don’t understand. I was willing to put myself on hold for you, to help you figure whatever it was that was going through your head. Because I LOVE YOU & that’s what love is, putting the other person in front of them. I love you so much and as mine kept growing yours kept diminishing. It’s been so hard not talking to you, I’m scared because I know as I grow used to it, so do you. As I find ways to have fun so do you & that is something that I’m not prepared to see. I want you to see the type of pain I’m in, to feel this anguish to feel so low when it really wasn’t your fault. It upsets me because we started dating because YOU wanted to, YOU pursued it and you knew how I was. You were my friend before that, so you knew how I was. And that’s not fair that you’re the one who gets to change their feelings. Saying “I’m not in love with you” feels like a deep ass cut in my heart like there’s no way to describe it. It hurts so much that the person you love, are in love with tells you “I am not in love with you any more” you start to blame yourself, trying to figure out what it is that you did wrong when in reality it wasn’t you, it was them. Because when you love someone you look past all that, you decide to WORK through it ALL! I worked through your insecurities and all the makeup scenarios in your head of how I would one day be unfaithful, how I would one day breakup with you. And look what happened, the complete opposite. How the tables have turned. I did not deserve that, whatsoever, I had my fault like everybody else, but I did not deserve to have my heart broken like this. The thing is, you knew how in love I was with you, & you knew that your weren’t yet you decided to jus string it along. Such an asshole move. I appreciate your honesty even though they wounded me like no other words ever have. I’m just trying to accept it, because at the end of the day it’s a loss. I lost a friend, a partner, a confident, but so did you. You lost one of the only people that were ALWAYS going to have your back no matter how crazy or unrealistic things were. ALWAYS! I wish I hated you, because that would make everything so much simpler, it would make moving on a piece of cake. BUT I don’t, even through all this shit you’ve put me through I LOVE YOU & I love you so much & I grow so mad at myself for doing it. I grow so mad at myself for not being able to say FUCK YOU. I hope one day you fall as in love with someone, truly in love with someone as I did with you and that person does not let you down the way you did me. Through our fights, I stuck around, yes of course I would be mad but that gave me no reason to break up with you/ “fall out of love with you” because I loved you, I was willing to work though it all… all your perfectly imperfect self I loved, I cared for, I thought was the most amazing thing. I felt so lucky to have you in my life you know, I felt as if you did so much for me, not saying you didn’t do things for me but in the “box” I put in way more than what I took out and you took out a lot more out of the same box but didn’t put as much in. Obviously this is where self worth comes along because I see how selfless I am when it comes to you. And that’s just who I am, that’s just how I love. I wish everyone loved the same way, I wish they didn’t give up on the person they loved, they didn’t wait until it was too late to realize they made a huge mistake. Heartbreak wouldn’t be an issue then. I’m tired of crying over you, I’m tired of being this upset, because you are perfectly fine while I’m over here shredded to pieces. I wish you would teach me to be like you so I don’t give a fuck.
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