Gorgeous Chaos

[mygorgeouschaos]

To love so deeply also means to crave deep love. The problem is not everyone is comfortable with the depths inside themselves and can't tap into that kind of love. It will leave you empty and oh so lonely loving deep. A space like that is hard to fill back up. That love is attainable though, it's out there. You don't have to pull back because you feel too deep, you just have to find the people who are comfortable with the depths too.

[mygorgeouschaos]

I have a love I could never have dreamed of, but it doesn't hurt any less missing all of you, missing my childhood pet who saw me to adulthood and motherhood and happiness we never could have imagined when I cried to him in my childhood room. Missing my grandma that left when I was 2 weeks away from becoming a teenager. Missing the grandma that left her body a decade after her mind. Missing the grandpa I never met. Missing the one that showered me in the love that only a granddaughter among many many grandsons can experience. Missing the great aunt and uncle that were my grandparents long after I'd lost all mine. I am soaked in love, bathed in happiness but the missing you weighs me down some days. The grief is always sitting there, sometimes I can find the sweet within the bitter. Some days I can piece together all the love you left me with. Some days I miss my sister who is very much still here, just not with me. I miss the love my parents gave me growing up, and also the love they weren't capable of giving. I miss my babies actually being babies. I know we must keep going forward but I still miss you.

[mygorgeouschaos]

This grief feels silly sometimes, you were just a cat. You also saw me in all stages of my life, you saw a few boys break my heart before you moved across the water with me for one that didn't. You saw me become a wife, a mom. You left me in love because when you found me it was darkness. I know you had to leave, I know you wouldn't have left if I'd still needed you. You were my closest confidant, you knew all my secrets, you saw all my heartache, you helped me pick myself up millions of times. You consumed the darkness and illuminated the happiness. You were just a cat, but you were also everything. And I'm struggling to do this without you my soul cat.

[mygorgeouschaos]

A step away

When I look in your eyes I’m reminded they aren’t mine. When I look at your hair, I’m reminded why it flows differently. When I see you smile, I’m glad it reminds me of your brother, because at least he is mine and somehow that connects us. When I listen to you speak with such stubborn insistence, I’m glad you learned that from me. When I listen to your heart break because she can’t give you all the love you so rightfully deserve, mine breaks a little too. I’m reminded you aren’t mine when your voice shakes and your eyes water because she wouldn’t hug you a second longer, even though you asked so nicely. I promise that I’ll hug you twice as long, even though I know it’s not enough. I promise to remind you to breathe a little deeper even though your lungs I did not create from scratch. I know no matter what I do you’ll never be mine, but I promise to love you like you are. Even if most days it isn’t enough, I hope it makes your heart even the smallest bit happier. I’ll be here, always even if you always reminds you that you aren’t mine. I’ll always be yours. 

[mygorgeouschaos]

I can't talk to my mom especially in the cases where people want to just call up their moms and rant about life. That's not because she isn't alive, it's because that isn't how our relationship works. I don't do the venting, she does. That's how it's been since I was little. I want to tell her "I'm exhausted, being a mom is exhausting how did you manage it?" But she didn't. I managed it for her. She leaned on me. Now as a full grown adult I still don't know how to stop and let myself breathe because I was taught at a young age that I must always keep going for everyone else. I just want to rest, to recharge but I can't. I don't know how, she never taught me.

[mygorgeouschaos]

I’m sorry

I want to tell you I can’t help anyone because I can’t help myself. I want to scream out that I’m drowning and have been for years. I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath. I’m sorry I’m not who you need me to be. I’m sorry I’m not who I need me to be. I’m just so sorry. 

[mygorgeouschaos]

My hopes for my step-daughter

I just want you to be happy, I hope you grow up to learn that everything I have done and said was for you. I also hope you never ever have to realize the toxicity that is your biological mom. I hope that her words never cut you as deep as they have me. I hope you get to learn to feel and think and breathe for yourself. I hope I can unravel some of the damage that gets done. You're so little now but I know you have potential to be an amazing, loving, caring adult because you are already all those things and so many more. I hope you love with your entire heart and heal with it too. I love you more then I will ever be able to express, I physically hurt when I see all the pain you have to go through because your mom has taught you to walk on egg shells around other peoples emotions. I hope I never make you feel that way. I hope you grow up and fall deeply in love, I hope you never have to learn how hard it is to be a step-parent. I love you through and through but I wouldn’t wish this life on anyone else, especially not you. I hope you become the mom you always say you want to be. I hope you find something you are passionate about and follow it to the ends of the earth and never give it up. I hope you know I fight for you everyday to be who you need to be. I hope you know your dad is the best dad in the world. I hope when you're heart is heavy that you can always lean on me. I hope you become everything you ever wanted to, more than anything I hope you let me love you through all of it. I hope you grow up happy. 

[mygorgeouschaos]

Slow beat

Drag me down, drag me through the dirt. I promise you won’t be able to cause me any kind of hurt. My heart beats slow, it’s ready to go. It’s the only thing still going, the rest of me gave up so long ago. I’m defeated, I promise I won’t put up a fight, I’ll go with you. Drag me down, I’m used to being low. 

[mygorgeouschaos]

Step parenting without the marriage part

Does it get easier? Because I feel like every step I take, we take, ends with 5 steps backwards. I fight tooth and nail to make sure everyone is happy and getting along. However I also have depression/anxiety so I never know if the set backs are my fault or not. I'm convinced they are, but I'm also not sure if that's my brain on its own or if that feeling is with the help of my mental illnesses. I try to create a safe place for my (step) child. I take her to work with me, I drop her off at preschool half way through the day, I try to understand her emotions. But I also know I yell sometimes, I know having her all day, most days a lot of the discipline falls on me.

[mygorgeouschaos]

Always there

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety 9 years ago. I've battled with it everyday since then. I've been suicidal. I fight so hard to live a normal life, to be a normal person. My dad always talks about how proud he is and how far I've come but I always feel like I'm stuck, like I'm always sad, I'm always ready to die. I don't tell him that of course, I wish I wasn't afraid to tell him I'm not okay. Because he needs for me to be okay, he needs to feel like I'm safe and happy. I just wish I could be without it being fake...I hate feeling like a burrden

[mygorgeouschaos]

Loving someone who isn’t blood

Raising a child who isn’t my own makes me worry how I’ll feel when/if I have a child of my own. The thing about dating a single father, moving in with a single father, is you become responsible for their child. No one confirms it, because as far as the rest of the world is concerned its your own fault for taking on that responsibility. I had to learn to love a man and his child, because they are a package deal and I’m not blind to that fact. And I never try to put my emotions about the situation I’m in, into words because I’m sure it just comes off as whinny. But it’s hard, it’s hard raising a child like there own but at the end of the week she goes to her moms, its hard feeling like I never do anything right with her and I’m always the bad guy. Because I’m supposed to raise her but I have minimal say in how she grows up, so why even try? But when I stop trying I’m not being good enough for her. I’m sure I could just walk away and never look back, but that would of worked 2 years ago, now I’ve learned to love her like she’s my own. But it’s not lost on me that I’m not her mother, I’m reminded every time she tells me “mommy lets me do this” or every time I’m trying to put her to bed or comfort her when shes sad, because she never asks for me, she tells me she just wants mom or just wants dad. But I’m not allowed to be upset when she rejects me, because she doesn’t know better, because shes not mine, even though she wasn’t even 1 when I met her and I’ve raised her to this point. But if I show a lack of emotion I don’t care enough. It’s hard raising a child that isn’t yours because you’re supposed to raise them like your own but every circumstance in your life you encounter with them will remind you that you are not their parent and you never will be, no matter how much you do for them.

[mygorgeouschaos]

Best friend

I lost my best friend years ago. We got in a fight and never solved things, frankly I miss her most days but I also know I wouldn’t be content if we were still friends. She was toxic and I didn’t realize until after the fact. It still feels weird though when people ask about my tattoo and I have to explain that my “ex best friends sister drew it for me” I suppose I could just say a friends sister drew it, but I know that isn’t true and I don’t see the point in lying. I know I should just let it go, but you were once there, and I know I wouldn’t be who I am without our friendship, even though it’s gone now. You dragged me to some dark places that I thought were normal, until you we gone and I realized I was safer without you. I guess it’s true that some people are only in our lives to teach us things.

P.S thanks for the birthday wish, even though you had to go through my brother because you were too afraid to say it directly to me.

[mygorgeouschaos]

goodbyes

Rough hands on soft skin, my heart beats a little quicker knowing I may never see you again. Because memories fade, but so do tears. I'm not sure I can live without you this year. Tired eyes look upon a young face. I can hear your heart slow as you try to hide the pain.