ASIAN CUPCAKE . XXIX

➸ adventures, fun, love

[nikeypapi]

6ix

[nahcoko]

nahcoko: studio ghibli movies +  favorite inspirational quotes

[mylesish]

"Are you asking me to hang out as a friend or because you think I’m available?”

I’m annoyed that variants of this question has inevitably seared itself into my brain when a guy asks me to hang out or join him during an event or whatever. I’m always initially wary, especially if it’s a random invitation/we’ve never spent quality time together/we don’t know each other well, but I’ll also say yes because I assume that I’m being approached with platonic intentions.

I’m all for having new guy friends, if they genuinely want to be my friend and only my friend, but that appears not to be the case thus far. And the ones who think they’ll get anywhere if they’re persistent enough are the worst.

I don’t immediately pose this question, but I do err on the side of caution. Ultimately, however, the guy starts saying things that imply other intentions or expectations, maybe even subtly flirting which makes me deeply uncomfortable, and I somehow feel bad for deciding it’s a good time to put the wall up (which is my issue alone but still frustrating).

This post is backpacking on what happened with this one kid yesterday, although the overall primary sentiment has been bubbling from my experiences of the last several months. 

[mylesish]

“I’ll love you for as long as I can.”

That’s what I wanted to live up to. Even when I’d been drained dry, I’d somehow find slivers left here and there and made it grow, and I suppose it’s that effort and determination that’s made the love I have for this person so valuable and significant, and not necessarily because the relationship itself was amazing. I have never done this for anyone, and I know without a doubt that this is the last time I expend this much energy on someone.

If this relationship is teaching me anything, it’s that I like keeping broken things around that are probably broken beyond repair because in my mind, if I look hard enough, I’ll find the thing that fixes it.

So I stay in spite of. I let things hurt. And because I’ve let it go on for this long, this has become my standard. I expect the high when it gets too low, and I expect things to crash when things are going too well.

This whole thing sucks.

But I still love him. And I’ll think the world of him for as long as it takes before time starts to take a bit of the edge away. He knows this, and I always tell him, but I hope his absence this summer helps me because I need to realign myself and figure out if trudging on is still worth it.

Whenever I’m ready to meet someone new, they’re going to have to inspire a love harder and stronger than this one. But for now, I just need my friends.

[souhailbog-deactivated20240510]

[mylesish]

There’s a part of our conversation that I keep turning over and over in my head, and it’s driving me nuts. We’re fine for the the most part, but it only serves to highlight how our thoughts weren’t even remotely aligned and how awful we’ve been at communicating anything to each other.

[mylesish]

I want to take a day trip to Oregon, get some donuts and see some sloths.

[jehovahhthickness]

[reneegabriela]

[mylesish]

I’m an impulsive dumbass, and Mistakes is my middle name.

[nylonpinksy]

[sweetoothgirl]

Whipped Cream Cheese Stuffed French Toast with Raspberries

[caitlinfrisk]

I hope you all fall in love with someone who never stops choosing you and I hope you feel at home when you look at them

[words-of-emotion]

“To love a person is to see all of their magic, and to remind them of it when they have forgotten.”

—

Unknown

(via words-of-emotion)

[mylesish]

Have I mentioned that this feeling of drifting away from each other is weird? In all previous instances, we’d always find a way to readjust things back to its familiar place, follow the same pattern until something gives again (usually my feelings, derp). But now it’s like—I don’t know. There was a recent opportunity, but I fell asleep and couldn’t take him up on the offer (even though—surprise!—I totally would have). Sometimes I wish I had stayed awake because that would have easily been what it took to right things back in order, and yet... there’s that part of me that knows this is the right course of action to take, even if it’s the most painful. In all honesty, I’ve been in a fog this past week. I’ve been fighting my usual urges to reach out to him because I’m so tired of being the first one to do so every time we butt heads like this. I know breakups are often compared to drug withdrawals, but it’s just hard for me to un-love someone. I also know you can still love someone and not be with them, but I feel like I’m wired in such a way where that’s not possible. I have never stayed friends with old lovers. Ever. I have no idea what to do.

[1010ll]

[pnguye]