the open book.

I’m an open book with thousands of pages. I’m ripping them out for all to see. - numbers 6:24-26 -

[mynameisnotcelia]

-hubris-

In the early morning darkness,

A false sunrise

From the fog and industrial lights

In the distance

It cannot pretend

To be the sun,

But it tries.

somewhere in my heart,

i wish for a place far

Far away

from industry

and business

and progression .

some days, i think

our best work is behind us

though i know

nuance is necessary.

We can’t pretend

To be the sun,

But we try.

[mynameisnotcelia]

-no holiday pt 2//lights-

Another year

My own place

I’m still trying

To find Christmas

In this place.

Wondering where

The magic went

Wondering how

To cultivate it

Wondering why

It’s so easy

To forget.

Nothing feels right

Nothing hits home

Everything is heavy

And I’m not alone

“I’m pulling all the pieces

I’m holding on so tight

But nothing feels completed,

Not even the night—“

I’m turning on the lights.

They twinkle blue and white

I’m reminded of the past

And it does not fix anything

But I’m turning on the lights,

And the ones in the tree.

I put up as much garland as I could.

Every time my heart

Goes dark

I linger, in thought

And soberly

Turn on the lights.

Maybe it will

Bring some life back

Maybe it will

Maybe it will.

[mynameisnotcelia]

-tactile-

I remember

Unwashed hair

And the smell

Of human,

Not a bad kind

Of body odor, just

Un-perfumed

And the stuffiness

Of your apartment.

There was a certain stagnation

In the air as we sat

At your table in the kitchen

By the window

Drinking coffee

In silence, or little words,

Watching the parking lot.

In the moment

I thought it was peace

But now I think

It was just silence.

Not a good one or bad one

But a silence nonetheless

A space I couldn’t fill

A pain I couldn’t heal

A scar I couldn’t see.

And even now I doubt every memory.

[mynameisnotcelia]

-good man-

If I start by believing

He’s a good man

Instead of assuming he isn’t

Then he’ll rise to the occasion of being one

Because faith is powerful

And we all want someone

To love us

And believe in our best

Instead of point out our worst

He already knows his worst

And so do I.

who am I

To point at the specks in his eye

As a plank-eyed saint?

So if I believe

He’s a good man

Instead of assuming he isn’t

Then he’ll rise to the occasion of being one

Because he IS a good man

Just not a perfect one.

[mynameisnotcelia]

-worthwhile-

I don’t feel like I’m enough

For any of the things

I ask of me

But I keep asking

Because it seems worth giving

And I keep giving

I don’t want to come back

Empty.

[mynameisnotcelia]

[mynameisnotcelia]

-obsess-

Go over it again

Read it again

Type it again

Look again

Do again

Look again look again look again

Is it the same?

Are you sure?

Did you say the right thing?

What did they say?

What did they say?

What did you say?

What did you say?

Read it again

Go over it again

Look again again again

Is it the same?

Did it change?

Listen to your thoughts

Think again

Think again

Think again

Play the thought over

Again like a song

On repeat, flowing

One time to the next, repeating

Repeating repeating repeating

Seeking comfort in the knowing

But there is no knowing

There is only madness

In repeating repeating repeating

And despite everything

Look again.

[mynameisnotcelia]

-back then-

I loved with all my heart

And didn’t read the signs

It hurt so much to grow

That I couldn’t recognize

All the ways the people around me

Were changing and evolving

I was deciphering

My own language

So I couldn’t read theirs.

Everything revolving

Around my emotions,

My thoughts,

My spirals

How did I survive

The endless spiral?

I was always dizzy.

Is that what being young means?

[mynameisnotcelia]

-thank goodness-

I still harbor this silent fear

Of your judgement

Afraid of being too much

Because once

Upon a time,

I was.

…

But within these moments

We are learning who we are

And what it means

To be friends

The voice of that fear

Is so much quieter

Than it used to be

It’s not as heavy

Because your character

And time

Have stripped it

Of credibility.

..

I just want to cherish

The miracle it is

That we can share this life

With mutual respect

And care

That we can look across the table

And not see the past,

But just another person

Another friend.

You are just

A dear friend.

[mynameisnotcelia]

-hibernate-

The world turned white

So suddenly, as I was just content

With orange

So I put out the tablecloth

And the wreath

And all the lights

To bring some kind of warmth

Back in.

We’ve hung the garland

Decorated the tree

We aren’t singing the songs yet,

But soon we will be.

And every day I look out

From my heated cage

(Of my choosing)

It’s whiter and colder than yesterday.

I’d like to hide away

Take me under

The covers

And don’t let go.

If I let it take me

This mundane sadness, I fear

I will drown

Without moving

A single limb

In protest.

The snow has won

I lay down

I do not get up.

I do not get up.

wake me with the sun

[mynameisnotcelia]

-a better friend-

In someone else’s life,

I left such a mess.

In someone else’s life,

I was so selfish.

In someone else’s life,

I was a terrible friend,

So in yours I will be

The person I wasn’t

In someone else’s life.

I cannot make up for what I’ve done

I know you don’t believe me,

You look and see the flower

When I didn’t used to be this pretty.

You think I’m so gentle

You think I’m so kind

But you weren’t there for the lessons

That shaped this mind

I’m flattered by what you think of me.

And shattered by the past when I see

This is not who I used to be.

[mynameisnotcelia]

-the last telephone pole-

I have learned to trek past

The last

Telephone pole.

Where the signals can’t reach me

Leave me alone to dwell in what could be

The sweetest moment

I’ve ever had

Of self-acceptance.

It has always begun with me.

(10/05/2021)

[mynameisnotcelia]

-eye contact-

I avoid eye contact

Like an Olympic gymnast

And it’s pretty naive of me

To think no one notices

It’s utterly ridiculous

How afraid I am

To look in a stranger’s face

For fear of looking too long

For fear of their thoughts,

“Why are you staring at me?”

I thought that’s how it’s supposed to be.

It’s a problem when

I’m supposed to check their ID and

I have to consciously tell myself

“Look at their face”

I can’t remember that customer’s face

Because I never saw it, I just saw

From the neck down. Maybe I saw hair

Looking at a point beyond them to their right

Or left, unable to bring myself

To see the eyes of the person

I’m talking to, unable to

For what reason?

What reason do I have

To work this hard

To avoid someone’s gaze?

But the closer I am to you

The more likely

I will look you in the eye, unfazed,

Is it an intimacy thing?

Do I require closeness

To dare knock

On the “windows to the soul”?

[mynameisnotcelia]

-pushing through-

I want to help—

I don’t want to hurt.

I want to advise—

But I know you know this,

But I’m here to remind you

I don’t want to chide you—

Validate and console

But let’s focus on the practical—

Running from the problem?

Shutting them up because it’s hard?

No, just trying to focus

On solutions not problems—

But the problems need a moment

Did I give it a moment

To breathe?

Let’s acknowledge this is hard

Hard, so hard,

I’m so sorry.

Now let’s move on

To ideas for improvement

Without condemning

Or belittling

Or invalidating

Or blaming

The books fill my backpack

I’m bent over from the weight, still typing

An hour later, trying and fighting

To tell you all the right things

And comfort you with the love that I know

You can feel but now I’m tasked

With demonstrating it

Properly.

This is the weight I carry

The weight it takes to love someone

In storms as often

As clear skies.

I don’t believe in empty platitudes

I don’t believe in false hopes

I don’t believe in hollow promises

I want to get out my calendar

And plan things with you as soon

As I think of it, not

Later when I forget.

I won’t tell you “it’s all gonna be okay”

Unless I mean it, unless

I know it truly will.

And if your mind is lying to you

I want to tell you the truth

I want to tell you the truth

Till the Lord takes us,

If that’s how long it took

For you to believe it

I want so much

For you to believe it.

[mynameisnotcelia]

[wolvenwalker-deactivated2025121]

Yahweh is the ultimate frustrated idealist.

No. Not the evangelical egregore. I mean Yahweh.

I mean the Canaanite God of war and storms.

I mean the one who fights like hell for widows and orphans.

Who is kind of a dick but owns up to it.

He wants the absolute best. For everyone. And he has this idea of how he perceives peace and love, ultimately.

But we humans are flawed. We make mistakes. And, being the short-tempered war God that he is… “YOU FREAKING IDIOTS! STOP KILLING EACH OTHER. STOP MISTREATING PEOPLE. WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL???”

He has mercy on addicts, sex workers, the homeless and people society looks down on, but will CUT ANY BITCH who harms them.

Because, see, God gets angry. He has wrath. But it isn’t directed at the ones rejected and neglected by society.

It’s to the elite. The rich. The wealthy and powerful. The judgemental. He. Hates. That. Shit.

Yahweh does care about his glory. But guess what yall? WE are his glory. When he says he does things for his glory? It’s selfless humility directed to loving and helping us. He’s not a prideful monster like the egregore. Oh he can be an ass. But he’s a CONSISTENT ass.

God loves you. Go take your meds and drink some water. Eat a vegetable. And fight like hell for his glory (the poor and needy).

[mynameisnotcelia]

I don’t really reblog anymore because I wanted my blog to be primarily poetry, but as a Christian I cannot let this slip past me. Yahweh is a sacred name for God, the God that created all things and existed before time itself; the one who created Adam & Eve, who orchestrated the writing of the Bible, who sent his son Jesus to die for our sins. Equating him to some tiny Canaanite god of war and storms is exactly the kind of thing that got Israel in so much trouble in Biblical times. This is the some of the sin they were punished for in the time of Judges when they worshiped false gods. This is how false narratives circulate: with a grain of truth sprinkled in. Yes, God’s anger is a big deal. He hates sin and wants us to be freed from it, that’s why he sent his Son to pay off the debt so we’re free to approach him and be forgiven. He does get righteously angry about the mistreatment of the poor and needy, “the least of these”. WE are not His glory. We exist to glorify him, but we are not the center of his glory. He doesn’t need us, but he loves us and wants to have a relationship with us.

Trying to fit God inside your occult and esoteric confines is a dangerous game to play. He does not take kindly to being misrepresented. Read the Bible for yourself, really study it, and you will see how God goes to great lengths to differentiate himself from the pagan gods of the surrounding nations to Israel in the Old Testament. This was because of things like this, where people would try to blend beliefs and claim congruency where there was none. God cannot be compared to any other, and I will not sit idly by while someone does so.

[elbys-hysterics]

scholarship does say that yahwistic worship was polytheistic for a while, this is attested in scripture too. The earliest parts of the Hebrew Bible, while being henotheistic, also makes sure to paint YHWH like a powerful (the most powerful) ANE God, because (obviously) the Hebrew Bible was composed in the ANE, by a people who were at the time enslaved in Babylon. They needed to show that God was Great, and so used the religious language and imagery of Canaan, Assyria and Babylon.

Think about the early narrative of Creation, the cultural motif of the Flood, YHWH as Lord of Hosts, YHWH commanding the destruction of nature and even the world in anger.

It doesn't need to be said that being henothistic, the early parts of the HB do proclaim YHWH as singularly deserving of worship ("Thou shalt not have any other gods before me")

[mynameisnotcelia]

So, I took a long time to consider my reply just to finish this discussion. But please, feel free to message me if you want to continue talking about this, I’m happy to chat!

I don’t deny that Hebrews practiced polytheism throughout much of their early history, because that is well documented. However, God abhorred this practice and consistently condemned them for it.

I don’t know what you mean when you say ANE and I couldn’t find anything when I looked it up, but concerning the statement of using the religious language of the surrounding nations… the law was written before their enslavement. The first 5 books are commonly understood to have been written by Moses. From the beginning, God has declared himself the Almighty and the only.

I don’t know what point you’re making about the motif of the flood and Lord of Hosts thing, maybe that it supposedly proves a henotheistic worldview? Let me know if that’s what you were trying to say. Personally, it doesn’t matter to me if there are minor deities. It changes nothing about how God called us to worship him and how he described himself. Whether other gods exist or not, God is above all creation and any other powers. If you’re trying to prove the aspect of his wrath, then I’ll reiterate that I already believe in his wrath towards sin and injustice. That’s not a point we disagree on; God clearly calls for us to feed the hungry, minister to the sick, care for the poor and needy. He shows righteous anger towards the injustices of the world, and also at the sin in our lives. The entire point of my original reply was just about the first couple sentences: equating the sacred name of Yahweh to a Canannite god. That is the part that is wrong and spoils any good idea that might have been said. Because the name Yahweh has deep roots in the Hebrew language, it’s not even the full extent of God’s name. It’s literally an attempt to pronounce the abbreviated version of the name they would write that lacked vowels, because they thought it was too holy to write fully. It’s an unthinkable insult to say that the name God spoke to Moses and the Israelites to reveal his omnipotence and omnipresence to them is the same thing as some Canannite god. This was the entire issue I took with the post.

[wolvenwalker-deactivated2025121]

Even though I totally disagree with you, I do like that this is sparking discussion.

As for Yahweh being a Canaanite God…Like Chemosh, he was a national God. Originally he was associated with the God El but was absorbed into Yahweh.

The ancient Israelites would have been monolatrists rather than monotheists as well. So their battles they believed were Yahweh fighting actual deities. So when they fought the Moabites, they truly believed that they were also fighting Chemosh.

This is an interesting article:

https://repositorio.uca.edu.ar/handle/123456789/15051

Another. It’s Wikipedia, but check out the citations and external links.

Yahweh - Wikipedia

Yahweh - Wikipedia

Also just something cool. Believed to be the only depiction of Yahweh.

God on the Winged Wheel coin - Wikipedia

God on the Winged Wheel coin - Wikipedia

[mynameisnotcelia]

Thank you for the information. It doesn’t change my beliefs at all. It doesn’t surprise me that the name Yahweh is found in other cultures, but that doesn’t mean it originated with them. But I’m sure we’ll never agree to that point, since you would probably argue that Yahweh was adopted by the Israelites from elsewhere, rather than the other way around. I’m not here to change your mind, because you probably don’t want to change it, so we could never convince each other that the other is right. I’m stating my ideas, and you’re stating yours, and anyone else reading this can decide how they feel.

As for the idea of monolatry, this was already brought up earlier and I’ll say once again that it truly doesn’t matter to me whether other gods exist. What does that change about how God describes himself in the Bible or how he calls us to worship him? It changes nothing. I see this on the same level as people who want to say extraterrestrial life is out there somewhere in the universe. Could God have just not told us about that, because we didn’t need to know? Yeah he could have, and I have no right to judge that decision as a mere finite being. I’ll find out someday when I die if there was life elsewhere. I don’t personally believe there is, but I hold space for the infinite possibility of God’s creation. It’s the same idea to me; I don’t believe that other deities exist besides God. But could there be others and they’re just lesser than God? Sure, there could. I’m still called to worship Him alone, and I’ll continue to believe in his sovereignty no matter what. This faith has been in my bones for my entire life, and nothing has shaken it because I’ve experienced God personally. You will continue to have your own ideas about spirituality and that’s fine. I still hold to everything I’ve already said, and I have no ill-will towards you for what you’ve said.

[wolvenwalker-deactivated2025121]

Yahweh is the ultimate frustrated idealist.

No. Not the evangelical egregore. I mean Yahweh.

I mean the Canaanite God of war and storms.

I mean the one who fights like hell for widows and orphans.

Who is kind of a dick but owns up to it.

He wants the absolute best. For everyone. And he has this idea of how he perceives peace and love, ultimately.

But we humans are flawed. We make mistakes. And, being the short-tempered war God that he is… “YOU FREAKING IDIOTS! STOP KILLING EACH OTHER. STOP MISTREATING PEOPLE. WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL???”

He has mercy on addicts, sex workers, the homeless and people society looks down on, but will CUT ANY BITCH who harms them.

Because, see, God gets angry. He has wrath. But it isn’t directed at the ones rejected and neglected by society.

It’s to the elite. The rich. The wealthy and powerful. The judgemental. He. Hates. That. Shit.

Yahweh does care about his glory. But guess what yall? WE are his glory. When he says he does things for his glory? It’s selfless humility directed to loving and helping us. He’s not a prideful monster like the egregore. Oh he can be an ass. But he’s a CONSISTENT ass.

God loves you. Go take your meds and drink some water. Eat a vegetable. And fight like hell for his glory (the poor and needy).

[mynameisnotcelia]

I don’t really reblog anymore because I wanted my blog to be primarily poetry, but as a Christian I cannot let this slip past me. Yahweh is a sacred name for God, the God that created all things and existed before time itself; the one who created Adam & Eve, who orchestrated the writing of the Bible, who sent his son Jesus to die for our sins. Equating him to some tiny Canaanite god of war and storms is exactly the kind of thing that got Israel in so much trouble in Biblical times. This is the some of the sin they were punished for in the time of Judges when they worshiped false gods. This is how false narratives circulate: with a grain of truth sprinkled in. Yes, God’s anger is a big deal. He hates sin and wants us to be freed from it, that’s why he sent his Son to pay off the debt so we’re free to approach him and be forgiven. He does get righteously angry about the mistreatment of the poor and needy, “the least of these”. WE are not His glory. We exist to glorify him, but we are not the center of his glory. He doesn’t need us, but he loves us and wants to have a relationship with us.

Trying to fit God inside your occult and esoteric confines is a dangerous game to play. He does not take kindly to being misrepresented. Read the Bible for yourself, really study it, and you will see how God goes to great lengths to differentiate himself from the pagan gods of the surrounding nations to Israel in the Old Testament. This was because of things like this, where people would try to blend beliefs and claim congruency where there was none. God cannot be compared to any other, and I will not sit idly by while someone does so.

[elbys-hysterics]

scholarship does say that yahwistic worship was polytheistic for a while, this is attested in scripture too. The earliest parts of the Hebrew Bible, while being henotheistic, also makes sure to paint YHWH like a powerful (the most powerful) ANE God, because (obviously) the Hebrew Bible was composed in the ANE, by a people who were at the time enslaved in Babylon. They needed to show that God was Great, and so used the religious language and imagery of Canaan, Assyria and Babylon.

Think about the early narrative of Creation, the cultural motif of the Flood, YHWH as Lord of Hosts, YHWH commanding the destruction of nature and even the world in anger.

It doesn't need to be said that being henothistic, the early parts of the HB do proclaim YHWH as singularly deserving of worship ("Thou shalt not have any other gods before me")

[mynameisnotcelia]

So, I took a long time to consider my reply just to finish this discussion. But please, feel free to message me if you want to continue talking about this, I’m happy to chat!

I don’t deny that Hebrews practiced polytheism throughout much of their early history, because that is well documented. However, God abhorred this practice and consistently condemned them for it.

I don’t know what you mean when you say ANE and I couldn’t find anything when I looked it up, but concerning the statement of using the religious language of the surrounding nations… the law was written before their enslavement. The first 5 books are commonly understood to have been written by Moses. From the beginning, God has declared himself the Almighty and the only.

I don’t know what point you’re making about the motif of the flood and Lord of Hosts thing, maybe that it supposedly proves a henotheistic worldview? Let me know if that’s what you were trying to say. Personally, it doesn’t matter to me if there are minor deities. It changes nothing about how God called us to worship him and how he described himself. Whether other gods exist or not, God is above all creation and any other powers. If you’re trying to prove the aspect of his wrath, then I’ll reiterate that I already believe in his wrath towards sin and injustice. That’s not a point we disagree on; God clearly calls for us to feed the hungry, minister to the sick, care for the poor and needy. He shows righteous anger towards the injustices of the world, and also at the sin in our lives. The entire point of my original reply was just about the first couple sentences: equating the sacred name of Yahweh to a Canannite god. That is the part that is wrong and spoils any good idea that might have been said. Because the name Yahweh has deep roots in the Hebrew language, it’s not even the full extent of God’s name. It’s literally an attempt to pronounce the abbreviated version of the name they would write that lacked vowels, because they thought it was too holy to write fully. It’s an unthinkable insult to say that the name God spoke to Moses and the Israelites to reveal his omnipotence and omnipresence to them is the same thing as some Canannite god. This was the entire issue I took with the post.