Just Me, Myself and... You

[myrandomthoughts29]

I'm Here

It's been so, so long. Other mediums have come and gone. The broken heart I gushed about long since healed many times over, with stronger love in its place. But some things don't change, like the way the depression sinks in through my chest, leaving knots in my stomach and swirling thoughts in my head I try drowning out by reading books. Some things don't change, like my ability to connect and maintain more than a handful of meaningful relationships. It can't be them, it must be me. It's a mystery I'm not sure I'll ever solve - why I seem plagued by a sea full of people that maintain such a distance. I'm a tangled web, a hurricane of emotion, but I believe im worth the investment. 

[myrandomthoughts29]

The Post He'll Never Read

It's so funny the way I became so close with him. Eight months of giving someone every drop of my being, every ounce of love and truth and affection. To imagine I knew him, that he had actually given himself to me, too. So much time has passed and it's so apparent how his promises of not disappearing completely were just empty and meaningless, like how he must have truly felt toward me. I have moved on, sure, but there's a section of my heart that is forever carved with what our relationship meant to me. A small part that still, however sadly, wishes that he would make his way back. I know he won't. I know he won't even read this. But I don't believe in anger, or bitterness, or getting even, or any of that kind of thing. Maybe that makes me naive, a fool, but I am being true to who I am and how I choose to look back on things from my point of view. I wished him happiness and it looks like he's found it. Without me.

[myrandomthoughts29]

For You...

Hearing from you, however indirectly? Best Christmas gift ever. Thank you <3

[myrandomthoughts29]

For You

Today I read through the book of our correspondence, allowing me the guilty pleasure of remembering what it was like to exchange sweet words with you. It turns out you were right - I'm leaving, after nine and a half years. When I think back through the memories of my time during this phase of my life, it's impossible to do without pausing for a moment to remember you. Our bench may have been demolished, but my heart remains polished with whispers and hope that I'm not forgotten.

[myrandomthoughts29]

Change crashes around me like waves beating mercilessly upon the sand. Where I once wished for love and companionship, I am slowly resigning myself to finding peace within myself, by myself.

[myrandomthoughts29]

[myrandomthoughts29]

[myrandomthoughts29]

Speaking in Tongues

"Speaking in tongues" Refers to alternate dialects, But I seem to recollect Entire dialogues with you - Words drifting through our eyes, Passing quietly through lips  and radiating long past our goodbyes... Yes, this catchphrase still applies.

[myrandomthoughts29]

No, I haven't forgotten about you. I've made peace that I'll always carry you around in my heart, even as the days grow into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years since I last saw your face or heard your voice. You are tucked away in the history of my heart. Perhaps I sneak into your thoughts every once in a while, perhaps you'll never read this or know that I've thought about you, perhaps you packaged up everything neatly and have never looked back - I don't know. I just wanted to say hello.

[myrandomthoughts29]

It appears to me I seem to be About a half a step too late. Somewhere between A five and an eight, Is treading in my fate.

[myrandomthoughts29]

...and with a glance to the moon she thought, "Fuck you, world" and buried herself in a book...

[forgottenfeeelings]

[myrandomthoughts29]

A long, slow pull from my cigarette... An action once romantic, Since deemed tragic, Leaves me peaceful for a moment. The nod of a fellow smoker, An underground interaction An unspoken understanding A conversation that would otherwise not take place - This is our space.

[myrandomthoughts29]

"Hello?" I call out meekly from underneath my sheets. The lights are off in the house, the sun is beginning to set, and I am in a dark place that has no reflection on the absence of physical light that is descending. The same girl that sings and laughs through half marathons is lying lethargically with nothing but a meek "hello" to offer to the empty house. My mind is firmly split in two pieces - one that reflects hopelessly on past decisions, my position of going it alone in this world, and a steady onslaught of negative self talk, while the other piece looks down, arms firmly folded, insisting that nothing productive will come from the position I find myself currently laying in. I am depressed, clear as day - long past the steady warning signs of weight gain, separation from others, lack of enjoyment in things that I usually take pleasure from. I barreled past every warning sign and find myself picturing leaping off of a bridge into the abyss below. I won't do it - no need to panic. It is escapism from where I lay. I dream of getting in my car and driving across the country, putting thousands of miles between me and that which surrounds me daily. My journey is a life of consistently being inconsistent and it shows. While I'm rarely alone, I am always alone. Many love me from afar, but few love me up close over extended periods of time. By now, at 33, I have a firm understanding of who I am and how I operate. I know my intentions are good, but my delivery is usually quite off. I am blessed and cursed within the Jekyll and Hyde of my thought process and struggle to make sense of it all, let alone find the courage to share it with others. I am a part of the online community that feels so separate from society... I think I may even be outside of the outsiders, as my writing doesn't seem to stimulate interaction with others as much as it does a conversation with myself. It's just me and my thoughts on this journey, me and that side of my thoughts that I need to cling to for a safe way out. It appears it's time to start writing again.

[maxmundan]

I want to forget my name inside the sweet confessional of your pussy, baby fuck me, baby fuck me, please your hips, pounding hard, against mine your lips, biting down, on my tongue ‘til the blood flows between us Smother my ego with your beautiful tits the avalanche of your orgasm entombing my restless mind beneath a mountain of your moans and sighs fuck me, baby fuck me, please your mouth, around my cock your fingers, squeezing my ass, squeezing the fight right out of me ‘til the cum and the love flows between us I want to leave myself beside your bed drop my worries on your floor slide inside and lose myself in you

Max Mundan, Lose Myself in You

© David Rutter 2013

Follow me on twitter @dmr226

(via maxmundan)

This.

[myrandomthoughts29]

I just wanted to say hello. So... Hello. Let's catch up - what's new? How have you been? Oh, you know... A little of this, a little of that, Sorry to hear about your cat. Cordial words to choke on, I am drowning in thoughts of what we were, Wearing a smile betrayed by the lost look in my eyes. You shattered my heart like broken glass and lay my trust on the pavement in the middle of the highway... Me, who you said was so good, so deserving of everything good in the world. Me, who believed you all the way. Me, who still wonders where you are, what you're doing, if I ever Mattered At all.

[myrandomthoughts29]

A great sorrow, and one that I am only beginning to understand: we don't get to choose our own hearts. We can't make ourselves want what's good for us or what's good for other people. We don't get to choose the people we are.

The Goldfinch