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@myreality333
Where do I belong...
What am I doing here still? This isn't where I belong. I will never be enough. This ocean of sadness sits in my stomach and is flowing up to my throat. I can feel it burning the edges of my tonsils as I struggle to breathe. This pressure on my chest as I try to bear through this day. Constantly an imposter in my own life. Where do I belong? This isn't it. This isn't love. This isn't what I hoped for.
“But every time I think about not having you in my life I literally break into a million pieces.”
— Unknown
“I can’t go to yesterday because I was a different person then.”
— Lewis Carrol, Alice in Wonderland
I wish you needed me in the way I need you.
“It was all she ever wanted: to dwell in peace, without the shadow of her past hunting her.”
— Sarah J. Maas, Kingdom of Ash
Took me years to get this
10 Years Gone
How has it been ten years? Ten fucking years. I just lost you yesterday but somehow that yesterday was ten years ago. You are still a constant in my life. Even though you are no longer here. When you left this world, for the longest time, I stopped living too. I let myself just be content with things instead of being happy. What was the point of living? I did my responsibilities most days and that was it. Why should I live when you died? Why should I live when you deserve it more? I've never stopped loving you after all these years. For all these years, I have continued to make sure my heart beats because yours stopped. Sometimes I want to join you. More than sometimes I want to join you. But I know you wouldn't want that. I know you'd be mad at me. For ten years, I have been taking a breath every day for you. I don't know if I will come to the point where I finally take a breath just for me. I love you, my SSS. I promise I'll never stop.
Hot & Cold
Such a stupid title but nothing fits you better. One minute you act like you love me and the next you act like I don't exist. You show me no consistency, yet, here I stay begging. Begging for you to act like I matter to you. Begging for any of your time. Begging for just a text back. Begging for you to show that you fucking love me. But if I'm begging. I guess that already shows that you don't love me. So what am I doing.
“I want to feel my life while I’m in it.”
— Meryl Streep
Placeholder
You are leaving soon. I knew it was coming but I still feel this loss. I finally found you and here you go. I know you'll eventually come back but what will that look like and with whom. We aren't an item. It would be nice to be but we aren't. You aren't looking for anything. I don't know why you chose me. It is like we are playing house. You cook for me and have me over. Take care of your daughter. Sleep together in both ways. I am just filling this empty slot for you, I guess. As much as it hurts to say. I probably am just your placeholder. It is nice to be your placeholder for now. When you leave, it will hurt but I am expecting it. Sometimes expecting the pain, makes it hurt a little less. I guess we will see.
Still Hers
I know who I am to you. I know you still want her. You have your pictures with her still up in your room. Yet, you have sex with me in your bed. You hold me after and stare at me like I am the only thing that matters. You cradle me in your sleep. You hold my hand when we are in public. You kiss me in bars. You hug me in the hallways of your home. You are giving me what I want in a man. But I know you're still hers.
What the fuck am I doing
Why am I doing this to myself? Fuck. I know I am being hot and cold with him. It is the only way I know how to slow down my feelings. I cannot fall for the stupid boy with the big blue eyes. I cannot. I am just his temporary fix. And that is what he should be to me. Any moment she could come back to him and I would be the one to leave. Because I know he would choose her. Why am I putting myself in this situation? This super fucked up situation. Do I like fucking hurting myself? What the fuck is wrong with me? Calm your stupid ass down. You are not together. You are just his distraction. It is temporary. Do not fall. Do NOT fall. Boys are never what they seem. Maybe you need some space. Stop messaging for awhile. Not see him for awhile. Be distant. But then what if I am just self-sabotaging. What if the reason we don't work is because I self-sabotaged. Fuck. Take a breath. Take a fucking breath. One more. Fuck. You can do this. He is just another male. But you are powerful. You are magical. You are strong, gifted, amazing, and beautiful. He does not control that about you. You are all these things despite anyone. You have grown with resilience and strife. You are everything you are meant to be and that is beautiful.
I am currently listening to this song by Taylor Swift. Last Kiss. Now I am bawling. I never thought you'd leave. You were the one I would of put all bets on. You are the one I did put all bets on. I told you things I'd never tell anyone else. I behave like my full self in front of you. I didn't need a filter for you. I thought you were my person. But now, I only get to see you in my dreams. I sleep all day just to see your face. In my dreams, you still love me. In my dreams, you didn't leave. In my dreams, we haven't had our last kiss.
“Standing alone is better than standing with people who hurt you.”
— Unknown
Benadryl
I stare at this bottle of Benadryl. Thinking about when I was 15. I took 12 of them so I could "sleep". I stare at this bottle of Benadryl. Telling myself it would be easier this time. I can take more this time. Once I am done with the Benadryl, I can move on to the rest. I have the Advil and Tylenol. Then I have Naproxen if I still need it fixed. I stare at this bottle of Benadryl. I wonder if it can cure this sickness. Because I haven't eaten in days and my body aches. I stare at this bottle of Benadryl. I hope it can take the pain. I hope that my heart stops hurting. I hope that it makes everything go away. I stare at this bottle of Benadryl. Telling myself it's not the answer. But I can't help but wonder if it is. I know this bottle won't bring him back. But it can at least take me away. I know this bottle won't make him stay. But at least I won't be in pain.
Come Home
Why are you pushing me away? I just want you to stay. We can work through this together. Please don't give up on us. You are my whole heart. Now that you are gone, I feel empty. I feel myself slipping away and deteriorating. I just want you home. I love you. It doesn't have to be this way. It doesn't have to be like this. I just want to hold you. I just want to have you near. Please don't go. Please don't leave. Every part of my body and soul are screaming for you. Please come home. Please.
Your Sister
I am your sister. I am your sister that never truly got to be your sister. I cared for you once you were born like my own. I gave your bottles and changed your diapers. I sung you to sleep and you slept in your bed next to me. When you started to walk, I chased you around. I brought you to places to play. You had a smile as big as the sun and you always lit up my day. I was a child taking care of a toddler but with you, it never felt like a chore. Then I was taken from you for so many years until I was able to find you again. I blamed myself for so long for being apart even though it wasn't in my control. Once I found you, I felt so guilty and thought you wouldn't know who I was. But you lit up and loved me instantly, then some of that anxiety was gone. Even though we lived separately since, I try to care for you still. I struggle to provide you with the things you need and struggle to be a step-in-mom. I take you to doctors and handle your schoolwork. I try to be the parent you need. I try to fill in the placeholders but there is still so much more you need. I love being your sister. I love being your support. However, I wish that you could have the other things you yearn. You don't speak it but I know you wish dad was around and that your parents were sober. I know you wish you got attention at your home and felt cared for. I try to fill those voids for you as much as I can not just because I am your sister. I love you with all that I am and I will always be your supporter.
