This is me.

Regina Fang. 23. New York City. Chasing Dreams.

[myroaringtwentys]

Social Media's Greatest Illusion

Check out my first post for onmogul.com! Enjoy :)

[myroaringtwentys]

To my fellow dreamers, if you're ever feeling down, I hope this song can lift you up!

[myroaringtwentys]

Rut.

I have a really hard time verbalizing my feelings when I am feeling upset or discouraged. My brain kind of shuts down and is unable to process the fact that I am feeling this way. In the moment I know what it’s doing to me, but when I try to explain it someone else, my brain turns into tapioca and I physically can’t form the proper words.

The past two weeks have been pretty tough for me. I feel like I have very little control over my life therefore leading me to feel very helpless. I’ve had feelings of rejection, sadness, confusion, I hate feeling this way, I want to feel like a productive member of society, I want to be building my career, I want to be needed, I want to be making a difference, I don’t want to just sit here and do nothing.

I am now 7 months into unemployment. I know that I am not the only one, but I hate that I am a statistic. Just another member of the unemployment club. I know that I am partially to blame for my lack of involvement in activities these past few months. I waited around too long when I should have been more aggressive; proactively network, taken classes, gotten any kind of certification, something, anything that keeps me working towards a goal.

After months of no schedules and no responsibilities, my life has become very stagnant. I feel like I am constantly wandering aimlessly and I can feel my people skills dwindling. Everyone has their own lives and responsibilities that they are preoccupied with and the last thing I would want is for my problems to interfere with theirs.

These past few months have also caused me to spend a lot of time by myself. I have the tendency to be really hard on myself when I spend a lot of time alone, probably due to my ENFJ characteristics. When I am alone for too long, it feels like this dark cloud consumes me. I start to build things up to be a lot worse in my head than they actually are in real life and when my feelings of distress cloud my vision, I just want to lay in bed and listen to music until I fall asleep.

My friends have asked me to describe what it’s like and I think the closest synonym I’ve found is blackhole. As I have said in previous posts, I am usually a very optimistic person but I have my limits. It’s exhausting making sure everyone around me is happy that I have the tendency to forget about my own. That’s why my blackhole moments kind of allow me to recharge, but at the same time can be very self-destructive. I used to think that I liked to be alone, I could do whatever I wanted, I didn’t have to appoint to someone all the time, and I was independent, but as I am getting older, I realize that I seek companionship. I want someone to ask me how my day was, I like the notion of two people facing their struggles together, I think at the end of the day I am just lonely. This city moves so quickly and I can see how it can get overwhelming; this in addition with unemployment is not ideal. I want to get out of this seemingly endless rut, but I don't know how.

[myroaringtwentys]

Transition.

I am in an extremely awkward phase in my life right now. I have my masters degree, but no full-time work experience. I have moved to a new city, but am still relying on the help of my parents to get by. I am trying to be an adult, but do not feel prepared for the responsibilities. I want to focus on my career, but am having a really hard time finding an open opportunity. I want to start personal projects, but do not feel confident enough to move forward.  

Nothing is going my way and I don't seem to have any control over any of it. I hate it. I wake up most days feeling helpless and lost. I don't have anywhere to be. I don't have anyone to see. I don't have anywhere to go. I feel stuck watching everyone else move forward with their lives. 

I spent the last two months of 2014 drowned in these emotions and vowed to myself that 2015 would be different. I am proud to say that January went quite well. In terms of the job search I reached out to all of my contacts again, I emailed recruiters, I stalked professionals on LinkedIn, and I found a shadowing opportunity. In terms of relationships I went on a few dates, met some nice guys, and realized that dating is kind of fun. In terms of challenging my thought process I made sure to read theSkimm every morning to stay up to date on current events, I kept to my promise of reading at least one book a month, and started listening to podcasts in my spare time. In terms of health, I made better food choices, I tried to exercise more, I lost weight, and I have been going to sleep/waking up at a reasonable hour. I felt like I was taking all the right steps in the direction of becoming the person I wanted to be. 

Then...BAM. Like a ton of bricks, I once again felt powerless. Hopeless. Incapable. Undeserving. Not good enough. There are so many things that I want to do and make happen in my life, but for every step forward, I felt like I was being pushed 20 steps back. Being in your early 20s does that to you, it makes you feel as though you can conquer the world and feel extremely insignificant at the exact same time. 

I feel like I am constantly straddling the fence with one leg on each side and I'm going to be really honest here, my crotch is starting to hurt. I am tired of sitting on this fence. I want confirmation. I want stability. I want acceptance. I want to stand on firm ground. 

I hope that in a few months when I (hopefully) have a job, gain a bit of my own financial stability, and figure myself out more, I will look back at this post and laugh at how dramatic I am.  I don't think these feelings of uncertainty are going away anytime soon, but I know that I need to make sure these feelings don't consume me. 

This is usually the point when my "positivity" starts kicking in and I begin to feel more motivated. That's the funny thing about my personality, I can go from feeling really low to really high in a short amount of time. It's both a blessing and a curse. I am also blessed with a very loving friend who dropped everything at work to grab coffee with me in the middle of the day to keep me in check and remind me of my worth (thanks P). Never forget the importance of a really great friend.

To be honest, I don't really know how to end this post. I don't really have any words of encouragement of how to get out of the lull because it's what I am going through right now and I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I do however have a list of thoughts that I am going to use to motivate myself to keep going: I am not going to let this chain of rejections hold me down. I refuse to let these emotions get the best of me. I will be fine. I am not going to be discouraged. I will create my own success. Until then, I need to remember to work hard and be patient.  

[myroaringtwentys]

Inspiration

I am an individual that gets inspired very easily. It's probably why I love quotes so much. I'll be minding my own business when I walk into a coffee shop and see a quote on the wall that says "live the life you've always imagined." My eyes light up as I think to myself, YEAH! I WILL live the life I always imagined! And then proceed to spend the afternoon day dreaming about all the great things I'm going to do, how I am going to change the world, what my TV show will be about, and what color Amy Poehler and I will choose when we get manicures together.

The great thing about inspiration is that it comes easily, the bad thing is that it slips away just as easily as it came. Staying inspired and staying motivated is probably the most difficult thing to do, but inspiration is what drives us to fulfill our dreams.

I like to collect things that I draw inspiration from. Whether it's a little postcard with a cute picture on it or a keepsake candle from my 18th birthday (yes, I'm a hoarder and I can't help it), I believe that they keep me grounded and focused on what I want, where I came from, and what I hope to achieve. If you were to walk into my room and look around, you would gain a pretty good understanding of who I am. I have little knickknacks from my travels, I save sappy letters from my friends, my favorite shoes/make up/purses are proudly displayed on my shelves, I have a collection of books that show that I'm trying really hard to like reading by collecting books my friends have recommended, the list goes on.

So how does one stay inspired? I don't think I am justified to answer this question because I'm still learning, but my biggest take away from my past few months of unemployment is that you cannot stay still. As tempting as it is to sit in your room and just binge watch television or browse the internet all day, it is important for you to keep yourself accountable and to fill your days with activities you enjoy because that is what keeps you motivated. I have spent the past 3 days coffee shop hopping, dedicating myself to blogging, job hunting, etc. and this is the most motivated I've felt since I graduated last year. I spent my earlier months in New York in my apartment waiting for something to happen, and to my dismay, nothing did. I hate looking back at those months knowing I don't have much to show for it, but instead of dwelling on the past I used this as motivation to make a change. 

I want to proactively make things happen in my career, relationships, hobbies, etc. Everything that you could have possibly imagined is within your fingertips, but it is up to you to just do it. Spending these past few days out of my apartment has made me feel extremely inspired by the environment around me. I have been actively job searching and collaborating with others who share my passions to take on new projects. Life will never hand you things directly, you have to go out and work for it. It is up to you to find your own inspiration and keep it. 

[reginafang]

Nothing better than a morning in bed with Amy Poehler, pineapple cakes, and snow falling outside your window📚🍍❄️

[myroaringtwentys]

Relationships.

I have never been in a serious relationship. There, I said it. I've been on dates, but I have never had a boyfriend. It was actually one of my biggest insecurities because for the longest time I thought it was because I wasn’t pretty enough. This of course was back in middle school and high school when Seventeen magazine was equivalent to the bible and a date to the dance was the most important thing on my agenda. Forget college applications, I wanted to know who I was going to prom with. 

Eventually I got to college and some boys started to show interest. Slowly I realized that it probably wasn’t my looks, but I started to wonder, what else could it be? What if it’s because I have a dull personality?* What if I emitted a smell that only repulsed boys? What if I wasn’t smart enough? What if I just constantly had mascara goop that grossed boys out? What if I wasn’t good enough? We all know the list of “what if” is a dangerous path to slip down because all you need is a tiny pebble that will cause you to fall flat on your face down a path of dark despair. I had so many questions but no answers so for a really long time I just had to accept my singleness. 

I want to be clear on one thing though, just because I have never been in a relationship doesn’t mean that I haven’t been treated like shit by guys. Truth is you don’t need to be in a relationship for a guy to treat you like shit, they give it generously no matter what the status of your relationship is.** It sucks. And that’s all I really have to say about that matter…for now. Back to the point.

Throughout the years I have watched many of my friends get into and out of relationships. I was the friend who would tell them everything was going to be okay, I was the friend who told them there were better fish in the sea, I was the friend who would pick up the 3am phone calls to talk over their woes. I have never been in a relationship, but most of the time it doesn’t feel that way because I feel like I went through all of my friend’s relationships. 

I have always been an observer. I watched my friends fall in like, date, start relationships, fall in love, fall out of love, etc. I have also gotten used to being the third wheel, and am pretty damn good at it. Stepping aside when I knew they wanted alone time, helping them plan their special anniversaries, being the scape goat when the parentals ask about their whereabouts, etc. Throughout the observations of my friend’s relationships I learned two very important lessons. One, I really want a relationship. And two, I really don’t want a relationship. 

It scares me to be that vulnerable with someone, sometimes it sounds more appealing to jump out of a plane than to have so much riding on a single relationship. And if you couldn't tell already, I’m not so good with my feelings. I'm really good at telling other people what to do in their relationships, but a complete disaster when it comes to my own. My friends have told me time and time again that I put on too brave a face and that scares away the boys. But to be honest, when boys were interested in me, I didn’t know what the proper etiquette was. How often should I text back? Is calling even on the table anymore? What the fuck is bae? Again, so many questions, so little answers. 

Above all else, I think the thing that turned me off the most from relationships is the fact that I didn’t want to be known as the “crazy girl.” You know who I’m talking about, that girl we all know who is completely boy obsessed and always makes it a priority to have a boy on her arm. The one that would do thorough background checks and have their entire future planned by the second date. I was afraid to be that “crazy girl” that her friends would tell all her other friends about. Yet, I always kind of admired that "crazy girl," she fought for love and that's a concept I am still warming up to.

My lack of relationships caused me to sit in my room and sulk..a lot. I would clean my room and sulk. I would watch romantic comedies and sulk some more. It wasn’t until I started reading books by empowering women like Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, and Mindy Kaling did I really start being more comfortable with myself. These are women who are unapologetically themselves and people love them for it. I started looking at my past dating experiences and/or lack thereof and realized that I am the person I am today because of everything that has happened in my life thus far, with or without a boyfriend. Honestly, I was crazy insecure for the better part of my life, and the idea of inserting a boy into that picture would have probably been a really bad idea haha.

Still, to say that it doesn’t bother me today would be a flat out lie, but I think it’s safe to say that I know it doesn’t affect me the way it did in high school, college, and even last year. It of course doesn’t help that some of my closest friends have been in relationships for 3, 4, and some even 6+ years. For goodness sake I am going to be a bridesmaid in July and have been invited to another wedding in December. Seriously, everyone just needs to calm the fuck down. 

Nonetheless, I am still on a quest to find love. I don’t know what it looks like, but I am finally ready to say that I am going to put myself out there, do a little of that flirting thing that I always hear so much about, and of course, learn the proper use of the word bae. 

*obviously it wasn’t that, because I am fucking hilarious

**disclaimer: I’m not saying that girls don’t also treat guys like shit, but I am speaking from a female perspective, because I am a girl and I like boys and that is the only perspective I have on this matter.

[reginafang]

My first snow day❄️❄️ (at “The Mall” Walk in Central Park)

[myroaringtwentys]

2014.

2014 was a very volatile year. It was filled with the highest highs and the lowest of lows. It tested me in ways that I didn't expect, and more frequently, in ways that I didn't know how to deal with. I am blessed to say that I have the greatest friends in the world who stuck by my side throughout the entire process, but it still holds a very heavy place in my heart. 

The year started off strong, I was in my Masters program, I was part of the winning team for both of the big consulting projects for Target and Kaiser Permanente (won a scholarship for one and my team's ideas are being implemented in the other), I went on an unforgettable trip to London, Amsterdam, Maynooth, Dublin, D.C., and New York visiting some of the world's most prestigious corporations (becoming inspired by the success of others and falling completely in love with New York), I graduated from my Masters program with honors for the first time in my life, I turned 23, and of course, I moved to one of the greatest cities on Earth, New York City. 

The second half of the year, however, did not go as smoothly as it had started. I moved to New York in July with bright eyes and my head in the clouds believing that great things were to come. All the signs in my life seemed to point me to New York so I felt confident that this was where I was meant to be. Slowly but surely, the city began to wear me down. Very promising opportunities would open up, but time and time again doors kept closing right in my face. Though I am lucky enough to have some of my best friends in the city, they were soon busy with their own ventures while I was stuck in the rut of unemployment. Soon, things back home weren't going too well either. My grandmother found out she had 3 forms of cancer back in December 2013, so by August 2014 her condition was getting much worse forcing me to fly back and forth between New York and LA until she passed in October. I had no problems with flying back and forth between New York and LA, but eventually neither place felt like home. There were still so many things in New York that I had not found routine with, and the things that used to be routine in LA seemed unfamiliar now. I was stuck in this awkward, uncomfortable transitional phase that made me question whether or not I had made the right decision to move across the country at the prospects of pursuing my dreams. Maybe I was too starry eyed. Maybe I was too much of a dreamer. Maybe I needed to be more realistic. Maybe New York wasn't for me.

I ended the year with a trip back to Asia with my parents. There were a lot of things that they needed to take care of for my grandparents and since I was still unemployed, they decided that this would be a good opportunity for me to tag along. The trip is impossible to describe in one word. It was beautiful, it was sad, it was fun, it was intense, it was extremely memorable. The emotions varied day by day, so I have a really hard time explaining it when people ask me how it was. First of all, out of the 12 day trip, I had a fever of 104F every night for 6 days. But despite my falling ill, I was able to go parasailing and see beautiful beaches in Thailand, I was able to visit some of my favorite places in Hong Kong and Guangzhou, and the best part was that I was able to spend time with family that I don't get to see very often. It was fun because I got to experience places that I had never been before and revisit old ones; it was intense because I had to face harsh realities like my great-aunt telling us that the good-bye we said to each other after our family dinner will most likely be our last.

To say that 2014 was whirlwind is an understatement. I used to be so carefree, but the responsibilities and realities of life are slowly starting to creep up on me. I guess that's what it means to be an adult. I always thought that I enjoyed spontaneity, but the spontaneous act of your parents telling you to buy a plane ticket to fly home the next day because your grandmother is not going make it is not the type of spontaneity I signed up for. 

I know this post has been very solemn, but to tell you the truth I don't mind solemn experiences, I feel like it makes you a stronger person. I now feel more responsible, wiser, I am more in tune with feelings and my understanding of the world, I feel more like an adult. I am nearing my mid-twenties now so it's time I stepped it up. 2014 was an emotional roller coaster, but I know that it has prepared me well for what I plan to take on in 2015. And though it was a tough year, it doesn't make me lose my starry eyed glow one bit, it actually makes me more motivated to do bigger and better things and I can't freakin' wait. 

[myroaringtwentys]

Redo.

Hello! It's been a while, I apologize for my absence. I've been really wanting to blog over the past 7-8 months, but it has been hard to sit down and really reflect over my thoughts. Part of it is because I have been really busy, but the bigger part of it is because I really didn't want to face the reality of life. I have been all over the place and things are only starting to settle down now so I decided that this would be a good time to get it all out of my system.

2015 is a new year, and I really want to commit to this blog. I want to start posting every Tuesday and Friday about my life, my thoughts, my friends, and everything in between. Life is passing by so quickly and I feel like if I don't write down my thoughts they're going to be lost forever (dramatic, I know). I also think this will give me a sense of purpose during this seemingly aimless phase in my life; and as I said when I started this blog, I want to record all of my thoughts and experiences as a 20 something year old, so here's to 2015! And to being a more active blogger. 

[reginafang]

Remembering 9/11.

[reginafang]

So proud of this future doctor! 🙌👏🎉 (at Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai)

[reginafang]

"No one does summer like New Yorkers." (at Main Beach in East Hampton)

[reginafang]

"I travel not to go anywhere, but to go. I travel for travel’s sake. The great affair is to move." (at The Standard, High Line)

[reginafang]

Only in New York. (at The Standard, High Line)

[reginafang]

I LOVE care packages! Thanks @ivanajoys for these goodies from Indonesia!

[reginafang]

I can get used to a view like this 😆😄🌃🗽